Alison Cummins
Montreal QC
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Recently hit the big Five-O Lives in Montreal with her beloved and two dogs Fantasizes… more »

Apr 13 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Safe Play During Moresomes with Strangers.
RE being taught to be nice:

It’s a little more complicated than that. There’s some strategy behind it.

Ordinary Rando Hello pretty lady, may I grab your pussy?
Pretty Lady Thanks for the offer, but no.
OR Okay then. Just thought I’d ask.
PL No worries! How ’bout them Cowboys?


Persistent Dick Monster [grabs pretty lady’s pussy]
PL [grins nervously]
PL Oh my! You are forward, aren’t you? Here, hold my drink for a moment while I pop into the little girls’ room to freshen up. I want to be able to give you my full attention, sweetheart!

When someone isn’t behaving normally and respectfully, you worry about what will happen if they get upset. (They might, for instance, break your nose, or your friend’s nose.) So you try polite avoidance. Paradoxically, the worse a guy behaves, the more delighted you might [superficially] appear.

Depending on your history, priorities and ability to defend yourself in the moment, you might even decide to agree to sex with PDM just so that you can get away from him safely afterwards.

RE evo-psych and reproductive strategies: OR in the first scenario just got turned down, but he handled it graciously. He demonstrated himself to be safe and respectful. He has actually passed a test. PL made an effort to make him feel comfortable and continued the interaction. It’s very possible that OR will get another chance with PL, or with one of her friends.

PDM, on the other hand, by ignoring boundaries might succeed in getting laid that night... but will not easily get access to PL or her friends again.
Apr 7 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: After 15 Years, Her Husband Still Looks Like A Child & She's Not Into It.
No, the depression did not get cured. You are still depressed. Maybe you don’t recognize it if what signaled ‘depression’ to you and got you into treatment was suicidality and you are not suicidal right now, but you are definitely depressed.

Talk to your doctor. Find an online or telephone therapist.

Depression kills libido and so can antidepressants. There’s not an easy way out of that dilemma, but being undepressed with no libido is better than being depressed with no libido. Plus, when it’s the meds that are killing your libido they can be tweaked.
Apr 7 Alison Cummins commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Hunger.
I’m (very) occasionally still here, nocutename. I just don’t have the bandwidth to participate in more than one forum at a time and right now that forum is FetLife.

My beloved accidentally discovered a kink last year, I have discovered that liking to hurt people can be prosocial, we go to dungeon parties most weekends, and I am developing my domme persona and networking with other local dommes.

Having a blast. Sex after 50 is the best.
Apr 6 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love.
AIG: Before your wife leaves, she has a word with the housekeeper. ‘My husband may have a friend over while I’m gone, and that’s fine. You don’t need to worry about secrets.’
Dec 21, 2016 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Open & Free (But What About Money?).
I like ‘More Than Two,’ and Franklin Veaux would have something to say about Dan’s unclear use of the word ‘boundaries.’

These days the formalized body of knowledge around sexuality, consent and relationships distinguishes carefully between boundaries (for oneself; good) and rules (for other people; bad). In this framework,
• ‘I will not date sex workers’ is a boundary, and good;
• ‘You will not accept gifts of money from your sexual partners’ is a rule, and bad.

This avoids hand-wringing about exactly what it’s acceptable to tell other people to do (the answer is always ‘nothing’) and the endless arguing and processing that ensues when someone doesn’t do what you tell them.

Personally I might be disappointed in my young partner’s lack of imagination. I would imagine him laid off (ESCORT says he was fired -- for an offense or display of bad judgement?), lying around the house smoking weed, watching porn and thinking, I Know! I’ll Blow Some Hotties For Money! Which is the kind of low-level thinking I might expect of someone depressed or fearful or otherwise lacking in ambition. (I do know people who have deliberately chosen sex work as a career and who work hard at it. This doesn’t seem to be the boyfriend’s approach.)

It’s possible that ESCORT is less worried about the industry and more worried about the boyfriend not being on a track in life that parallels his own, or of not sharing important values like ambition. It's possible that the boundary ESCORT needs to define is,
• I will only date men with similar levels of motivation and ambition to mine.
Nov 30, 2016 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love.
RE: “It’s my house and I’ll fiddle with my dick if I want.”

Sounds kind of like the “It’s my house and I’ll walk across your nice clean floor in my muddy boots and smirk at your helpless protests if I want” of yore. Don’t know if that’s what’s going on, just something to think about.
Nov 30, 2016 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love.
RE squeezing: If a guy’s dick isn’t that sensitive (say, circumcized and condomed) and he gives himself most of his orgasms so is used to his own firm grip, it’s totally possible that he needs a tight squeeze to come.

Alternatives to the ultra-kegel:
• Hold your legs together.
• Reach down and grab the base of his cock between two fingers.
• When he wants to come, have him pull out and jack off.
Nov 17, 2016 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love.
Sep 16, 2016 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love.
Thank you, Jina.
Sep 15, 2016 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love.
Fichu @79,

In my mid-twenties I was repeatedly and politely mistaken for a sex worker. It wasn't a problem and was reassuring rather than unsettling. I worked a late shift and would sometimes end up walking through the red light district at 2h30. A van might pull up, I’d get a gruff “baby are you dating” and reply with a “nope,” the van would leave. No fuss, no muss, purely professional.

In my early twenties though, someone treated me like a sex worker even though it was clear I wasn’t one. That was scary. I put up classified ad for a roommate and said “call Alison at ____.” I got a big load of crappy calls from lingerie salespeople wanting me to try on their samples, men with foreign accents hesitantly enquiring whether sex was included in the rent, the usual. And one man who used a confident, pleasant voice to make me an offer. We could meet, and if we got along he’d pay my rent and I’d have sex with him. I could clearly use the money so it would be a really good deal. I said no, I wasn’t interested. He argued: how could I know I wasn’t interested if we hadn’t met? I hung up and he called back. Repeatedly. He accused me of being unfair and irrational for not considering his perfectly fair and rational offer. I tried to be pleasant and well-mannered, but finally resorted to yelling at him and telling him I’d call the police if he called again. He stopped.

No, not polite. Not polite at all.

In the first case, I wasn’t dressed like a typical sex worker but I was in the right place at the right time, so an honest enquiry was not misplaced.

The second case was just entitled and manipulative. Talking to someone who used very polite-sounding language to reveal that he couldn’t imagine that I might value my independence made me feel really gross. He demonstrated repeatedly that he thought that his interest in having a student mistress was more important than my right to say no. Really, really upsetting. And not at all polite, no matter what he might have thought.