Alison Cummins
Montreal QC
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Recently hit the big Five-O Lives in Montreal with her beloved and two dogs Fantasizes… more »

Jul 16 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Crazy Soon-To-Be-Ex-Girlfriend.

I'm crazy-tolerant. But speaking from experience, there are different kinds of crazy and they affect partners differently. He appears to be young and inexperienced and the bats in her belfry appear to be of the personality disorder (harder to treat) type as opposed to (or in addition to) the mood-disorder (easier to treat) type. I would recommend that he leave her in order to protect himself.

He can offer to be a supportive friend while she gets therapy but I suspect that he would need counselling himself in order to help him assert his boundaries during the inevitable relapses.

Leaving her would not necessarily be bad for her. It would demonstrate to her that there are consequences to letting her fantasies grow unchecked. Why would she want to work in therapy to fix things if her current mode of operation was working for her?

Leaving her doesn't mean that she is a bad or terrible person for having brain cooties. It simply models healthy self-respect. "Look, I can decide to leave you because you aren't good for me right now... and neither of us die!" Someone upthread wondered whether she were an adult. It's a good question. This is exactly the kind of experience that people use to grow.
Jul 14 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love.
Can’t there be a range? Some individuals extremely inclined to monogamy, others not at all and most somewhere in the middle?

Also note the difference between social monogamy, which is more common, and sexual monogamy which is maybe less so.

Also note that by ‘very monogamous’ I‘m thinking of one’s own number of slots available for forming a pair-bond, not possessiveness or jealousy which is something else.

And then there’s serial monogamy vs strict monogamy, Queen Victoria style (assuming she didn’t have an affair with her security guard after Albert died). People who claim that scientifically there is no support for a concept of natural monogamy usually have quite a strict definition of monogamy that is very hard to meet.

I’m not brainwashed into monogamy — I’ve been actively trying to play the field since I was 13 — but really, if I have a sexual partner I have access to more than once a month it’s hard for me to get up any interest in seeking out another one. Sure, it can be fun to flirt very casually, but I’d rather use any surplus time and energy further up the maslovian pyramid once sex is taken care of.

Really. I’m not making this up.
Jul 14 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love.
Capricornius @51,

I agree that there are people who propose the dubious “marriage in trouble? Add more people!” solution too easily. But that’s not the same as mocking monogamists.

Many of us lean towards monogamy and understand it well. Still, for those who aren’t hardwired absolute monogamists, some variation on nonmonogamy can become interesting in a good, established partnership where the sex has gone stale. There’s a certain amount of hashing-out in the comment threads of whether a given letter-writer fits the criteria, and often vehement arguing. I don’t see how that translates to belittling monogamy.

As I reread your comment though, I realize that you aren’t saying that we all belittle monogamy. You’re saying that someone always points out that poly is an option, you think that nobody should ever make that observation because it’s disrespectful, and you’re telling people to shut up.

You are extremely conflict-averse. Conflict isn't always bad and is in fact an excellent way to learn. Telling people to shut up in a discussion forum seems to be missing the point of a discussion forum. What is it about conflict that upsets you? Appeals to you?

I'm pretty sure that a commenter at some point has suggested that someone simplify their life, cut down on the people-pleasing and focus on what’s important to them. There would have been discussion of whether that constituted poly-bashing or just growing up.
Jul 14 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Crazy Soon-To-Be-Ex-Girlfriend.
I broke up with my first boyfriend thirty years ago. I know what he does for a living, what city he’s living in, and something about recent drama around his romantic life. That’s because I still live in the city we met in and we know people in common.

It’s not weird at all.
Jul 12 Alison Cummins commented on Dumbest Letter Ever.
I love @DarkHorseRising.
Jul 10 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love.
EricaP @95:

That would have been Philophile @68 RE CREEP, the second LW who wanted permission to get in touch with a hookup. Dan said to send him a note. Philophile said to knock on his door.
Jul 10 Alison Cummins commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Can I Book a Session With My Friend The Sex Worker?.
If it were that easy — “I want to hire a sex worker. Hey, I happen to know one socially and I like her” — there would be no letter to Dan. He would just contact her, introduce himself and negotiate (whether an appointment or a referral).

The fact is there is a letter to Dan. That tells us there’s something else going on. He’s apparently got a good angel on one shoulder telling him not to be a creep and a rationalizing angel on the other shoulder telling him that it’s just business and businesspeople don’t have feelings.

That’s why we’re advising him to listen to whatever it is his good angel is saying.

I know a sex worker socially. They’re nice and smart and attractive and they’re the first person I would think of if I wanted to hire a sex worker. (They are the first person I refer to when friends want to hire a sex worker.) Thing is, I know their parents socially too, and it would just be weird. I respect the little “nah, it would just be weird” voice in my head and get on with my life. No letters to Dan.
Jul 9 Alison Cummins commented on Dumbest Letter Ever.
A similar incident occurred in 2008.…

Except in that case the business did agree to make a birthday cake for the white supremacists, and to write ‘happy birthday’ on it, leaving space for the customer to write in ‘Adolf Hitler’ themselves.

If the Campbells have a legal case over the refusal, it would be that the family was denied service because of race, ethnicity or religion, said Shannon Powers, of the Pennsylvania Human Relations Commission, a state agency that enforces anti-discrimination laws.

The Campbells, she said, would have to prove ShopRite didn’t make a reasonable attempt to provide service it provides others. She said the offer to make a cake with room for an inscription would probably count as a reasonable attempt.

“It sounds like they (the supermarket) don’t want to offend other patrons or do something offensive to their own sensibilities. If that’s the motivation, that’s totally different from discrimination,” Powers said.
Jul 9 Alison Cummins commented on Dumbest Letter Ever.

There is no bankrupted saintly 70-year-old grandmother. There’s LaGresha Fizer-Brown. Why are you making things up?

And why are you switching arguments? First you said that you want public amenities to be closeable at whim to any class of people because you want to be able to go to a men-only gay bar, and (weirdly) that pregnancy, childbirth and childcare have no impact on women’s health or well-being.

Now you’re saying that equal rights in a liberal democracy are exemplified by Jim Crow? No. No they aren’t. (If it’s important for every business owner to be able to discriminate against classes of people, then presumably in order for a true liberal democracy to flourish we should all be going around with pink triangles and yellow stars and so on prominently displayed so that anyone who wants to can assert their liberal democratic right to discriminate against people they don’t know very well.)

If I have a public bakery, I have to make cakes for the KKK if they hire me to. And if LaGresha Fizer-Brown has a public bakery, she has to make a birthday cake for a dyke. That’s the way it works. I tolerate them; they tolerate me. (Bonus: no pink triangles or yellow stars are required for this system to work perfectly.)
Jul 9 Alison Cummins commented on Dumbest Letter Ever.

I can imagine a few ways to protect gay men’s bars from annoying straight women.

1) Dress codes: No bright colours, no skirts or dresses, no updos. Leather dykes will be able to hang out comfortably with their leather daddy buds but I can’t imagine you seriously have a problem with that.

2) Bouncers to enforce standards of behaviour. If the straight women are being annoying, they get promptly kicked out.

3) Repeal of equal protection laws. Allow anyone to openly discriminate against any class of individual they feel like for any reason at all. (HIV meds? Really? HIV doesn’t jump out at you from the bushes and attack you. You have to go out and get it. Yeah, it’s a disease, but I don’t have to protect you from the consequences of your actions, you filthy, sex-driven pervert.) If someone has a problem with that, it’s their fault for living in the wrong part of the country and not having internet. Anyone who thinks the civil rights movement was important or necessary is living in a delusional fantasy land. Separate but equal is an unnecessarily lofty goal: separate and unequal is just fine. Also, slavery was good for black people.

Why you would choose 3) when 1) and 2) are both available I don‘t have any kind explanation for.

Look, I was a full-time, very out dyke for ten years and presented as a dyke for ten more even when my private life wasn’t pristine. I know what it’s like to pine for a ___-only space. But lesbian bars in my town operated at a loss; they only existed because they were money-laundering operations for the mafia. Today they’re gone and as far as I know the lesbian-friendly bars operate at a profit, which is a good thing. The city also actively promotes the gay village. Yes, there is a loss. But overall I believe the kids’ intersectionality has made things better.