Jan 15, 2014 Suzy commented on Savage Love.
I take it the unifying theme of this week's batch of letters is "complete nutters"? Oddly enough, the husband in letter one seems potentially reasonable, since it sounds like he only stopped having sex during the actual pregnancy. Perhaps he's anxious about harm coming to the baby and things will go back to normal later. (This can happen on pregnancy #3 for a number of reasons, if even if he was cool with sex during pregnancy before.) A clear conversation with a doctor or midwife should help set things right; if not, then yes, stern talk for the nutter is called for.

The Uncle strikes me as perhaps the craziest of all these folks. I can't believe this isn't receiving more comment. What on earth is a "hot steamy eye-fuck", anyway, and why does the Uncle assume his Nephew was giving him one?! Does this strike nobody else as completely insane? It sounds a lot more like wishful thinking from a person weird enough to think that big smiles at the dinner table convey the message of "my wife and I are allies!" Brrr. Stay away from your funny Uncle, Nephew!

Straight woman in letter #3, your husband has tried "games" and "toys" for you after initial reluctance, but now the slightest suggestion you might participate in dominating him is "grossing" you out? Get a grip! He was willing to be a sport for you; the least you can do is try it once or twice for him. Selfish.

The woman in #4 may be beyond help. You're 25 and you use the words "'petted' over the underwear" to describe deeds you did? You think a guy is gay when he gets hard while "petting" but doesn't "writhe" and "beg" for you? Maybe you need to call the couple in letter #3 and see if you could perform the dominatrix role they need filled, because you sound like a pure crazy natural for the job. If your boyfriend actually likes you and the relationship is going well in other respects, never, ever let him get away because I don't know where else you'll find another compatible match.

The last letter writer seems like the most normal, because at least she just yearns to have her fantasy fulfilled and merely wants to step all over a number of ethical boundaries to make it happen. Well, just don't. Don't do mean things that will hurt others, because not doing that is more important than getting one of your fantasies fulfilled. Dan is right. I grant you, that was definitely a fascinating group of letters.

Dec 22, 2013 Suzy commented on Savage Love.
Rosysunbeam said: "Before we do anything serious like having children I want an action proving that it's more than words to him. Words are easy- I need some actions."

I believe you are 100% correct to want this. I get that people might criticize the basically heteronormative, traditional gender-role cast this view seems to have, but it's not about that. It's about responsibility and commitment. Having a kid is a HUGE deal for the kid, regardless of how the parents feel about it, and every bit of research on this subject shows that it is generally better for kids to have two married parents (whether same-sex or not). Obviously, people can divorce, and obviously, single parents can do a terrific job of parenting. However, it's much harder for single parents economically, emotionally, and time-wise. So if you have kids knowing from the start that the dad isn't willing to form a legal union requiring a serious future commitment, you have to be very sure that you're happy with that situation. I think you have excellent reason to be dissatisfied with it.

I still have hope your boyfriend is planning a holiday / birthday / Valentine's / surprise proposal at some future date, but you can't wait forever. If July is the time when you're done, then before July you need to show signs that you're starting to separate from him - you're looking for an apartment with a new lease starting August 1, you're separating all your finances and possessions, and so forth. And then if he wants to act, he will, and if he doesn't, then frankly you dodged a bullet.

Dec 18, 2013 Suzy commented on Savage Love.
In response to several other comments, I find nothing wrong with wanting to make a life-commitment, buy a house, or have children without being married, as long as both parties agree to that situation. However, this woman clearly wants to be married before she does those things. It is entirely reasonable to want that level of commitment from a partner; it's not a merely symbolic gesture. In my limited personal experience, living together is in no way, shape or form a comparable level of commitment to actually proposing and getting married, and the data from several empirical studies of long-term cohabitation backs this up.

The point is, if you're the sort of person who isn't going to be comfortable having kids and a house with someone to whom you never get married, then you need a partner who shares that feeling or you're not going to be happy with your arrangement, and eventually it will be far too late to turn back.
Dec 18, 2013 Suzy commented on Savage Love.
Rosysunbeam: It is very important to some heterosexual men that they be the ones to propose. (I love Dan's open perspective on gender in theory but find it difficult to carry out in practice.) Since your boyfriend warmed to the idea of marriage for the first time in May and hinted in August that he might propose around the holidays, please don't screw it up for him or for yourself by proposing to him pre-emptively! Wait until March. He could have plans you know nothing about and both of you will feel miserable if you spoil them by being overanxious.

If he hasn't proposed by March, then your solution is very simple: continue in the relationship but begin taking all necessary steps to sever your financial entanglements with one another. No joint accounts, no mingled payments for things, and great clarity about who owns what. When he inquires about this, as he will, tell him matter-of-factly that you have to start preparing for a future separation. Explain that you don't want to break up with him but eventually you're going to have to move out, because you want marriage followed by babies and he clearly isn't ready. Proceed steadily unless he stops you with a proposal; if not, then move out and find someone better suited to your life plans.

Under no circumstances should you purchase a house with this person or attempt to start having babies with him without being married. After 3.5 years he knows the deal, period, and you know he knows it.
Dec 5, 2013 Suzy commented on Savage Love.
"I suggested that an inability to enjoy casual sex indicates learned, sex-negative emotions."

What makes you think I can't enjoy casual sex? I surely could. That doesn't address the point: I can't derive from casual sex the deeper level of connection and understanding that arises after years of a monogamous relationship. Not because I'm inherently opposed to casual sex - I'm not - but because by definition I don't find that it reaches the level of intimacy reached after years of exclusive togetherness. Being able to have all this variety of sex with different partners might be a great thing, but weighed in the scales against the benefits of monogamy, I just prefer monogamy. I don't feel particularly repressed.

It's odd that you think religion has something to do with these emotions. Perhaps for some it does, but why would that be the obvious conclusion when someone prefers monogamy? I wasn't raised religious. I was raised to fear unplanned pregnancy, which seems pretty reasonable, and that's about it.
Nov 21, 2013 Suzy commented on Savage Love.
Most of Dan's advice is great, but I still can't understand why monogamy is such a mystery to him. No, it's not that people should be monogamous "because sex is so important"! It's because the experience of both the relationship AND the sex can be really special, unique, and great when the partners are exclusive. Dan, I really think it would be helpful if you thought about monogamy as if it was Just Another Sort of Kink! Because you understand kinks. People choose them because they like them, and sometimes they have very little choice over what they like. Monogamy can be like that too. Not because it's so important to insist that nobody has sex with anyone else, but because it can be So Great when two people are only having sex with each other. For many people, monogamy is the best or only way they can experience the trust, freedom, and depth of connection needed to really enjoy sex or be themselves. Why is that such a mystery? If it's not that way for other people, no problem! But it is for some, and that's ok too.
Nov 21, 2013 Suzy commented on Savage Love.
LIBIDO's girlfriend is a virgin? It should be practically killing her to hang onto her virginity (which is a perfectly fine thing to do) in the regular close proximity of her hot boyfriend! Even with the fear of pain! Something much deeper is wrong there; they should simply break up, or else she needs to dig for some honesty about what's actually bothering her. They're so young, it could be a lot of things.

Burned seems to want out, period. Is boyfriend picking up on that and mistaking it for unresolved feelings about the burn accident? That could be why he seems so guilt-stricken still. Seems like time for major clarity about "I forgive you for the accident, really! Meanwhile, I'm unhappy about..."
Oct 17, 2013 Suzy commented on SL Letter of the Day: Should I Stay Or Should I Go Dominate Other Men For Money?.
Yes, leave that poor man alone and let him find someone who actually cares about him.
Oct 15, 2013 Suzy commented on Savage Love.
Really great column this week!
Sep 17, 2013 Suzy commented on Savage Love.
Am I the only one who has a small problem with the idea that the sex in letter scenario #1 is over when "he" comes? I get that it's supposed to be humor, but what if "she" occasionally is howling because he's going down on her or something?

I agree with the generally sound advice above: disclose due to the STI issue, and run run run from the red sweater psycho. OMG.