percysowner
report this user
Nov 30 percysowner commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: We Will Never Get Closure On CLOSURE.
Okay, but what do you say when you just aren't feeling the relationship. You can't give reasons, because it's emotional.

I'm with Miss Manners on this, who says if you don't want to attend a function, the only thing you say is I'm not coming. In a relationship you announce you can't do it anymore and walk out the door. Any reason you give will either get an argument or hurt the person. What are you going to do with the "reasons" for leaving. Explain that the actions can be changed? Tell them you will do things differently? Even if you think you can apply it to the next relationship, you can't. The next person may not have the same deal breakers.

It would be nice to have your ex give you notice that they are moving on. It may be legally required that they give you notice so you can find an new roommate to help pay the rent. But all you need to know is that they don't want to be with you any more.
Nov 28 percysowner commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Done Dumped Me Wrong.
It's over and no, you can't harangue her into taking you back. She doesn't want you back. I don't know why she keeps in contact with you, but it's not going to work. You can't logic her into wanting you. It's over. Move on. Find someone who can love you the way you deserve.
Sep 30 percysowner commented on Savage Love.
Dan I think you blew it with the answer to LW1. She deserves to know that he went ahead with his plan to cheat on her even after he told he that he would abandon that plan. She is about to marry him, to join their finances. She is about to make a huge change to her life and she deserves to have the information that he cheated.

@88 As to what should and should not be disclosed, once your partner finds you planning to do something that is important and tells you that they don't want you to do it, then if you do it anyway, you have to disclose. This isn't a case where he "didn't know" if it would upset her, he knew damned well it would. She had been clear about that. This goes to the heart of their potential marriage and she deserves to decide if this is a deal breaker or not.
Sep 16 percysowner commented on SL Letter of the Day: What's in a Ring?.
I'll add that if someone doesn't want to sleep with a married man, they have the right to make that decision. Any person, straight or gay, wanting to swing who tries to find a partner while deceiving them about being married is sleazy, IMHO. The fact that people see you as taken and off limits is something they have a right to base their choice on. It doesn't necessarily mean that they want a commitment. I may simply mean that they have feelings (rational or not) about committing adultery. To me this is just as wrong as cheating on a spouse without their consent or at least without informing them.

When I was dating, many many years ago, I went out with a guy who dropped the fact that he was married during the date. I was horrified. I wasn't looking to get married, but I had feelings about not interfering in a marriage. It's wrong to withhold that type of information from a potential partner.
Aug 3 percysowner commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Back To the Dorms.
I have mixed feelings on this. I do think Dan was too harsh on the girlfriend, but I don't think the LW is responsible to make sure the GF can stay in school.

I suggest going with her to the school and finding out what type of housing options are still available. They may be able to squeeze her into a dorm room one way or another. At the very least get her on a list so if a freshman drops out an there is an open space, the GF can move in. That actually happened to my daughter and we ended up eating extra dorm fees because they couldn't find anyone to replace the girl who left. Then look into off campus housing. If she is really driving you nuts, it may be worth it to kick in some money to help her pay for housing for a few months. Talk to her parents and see what they can do to help. Talk to financial aid and see if there is an emergency scholarship available that can help her meet expenses.

There is a lot of room between dumping her out on her own, and living with her and being miserable. In any case, in the end, it is her responsibility to do what she needs to get her education. If you had deliberately kept her beyond the deadline, it would be different, but now, it's her job to figure things out.
More...
Jan 22 percysowner commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Who's Your Survey Monkey? I'm Your Survey Monkey!.
I was on the receiving end of being cheated on and I would have far preferred a sexless marriage. After I asked for a divorce my ex informed me that he had been seeing another woman. Note: 1) We were having sex between 1-3 times a week and 2) We were in counseling and he never mentioned the other woman. 3) He claimed that even though he set up a good cover story as to why he wouldn't be home at least one night a week, he also told me that both he and the other woman were too honorable to actually have be having sex.

As to why would I rather have been in the sexless marriage? Because then I would have had some control over the situation. If my ex wasn't giving me enough sex, I could decided if masturbation would be enough; I could have told he that I couldn't live without the sex and tried to go to counseling to see if that could change. Or I could have stated flat out that I couldn't live that way and if we couldn't reach some kind of accommodation then yes, I would have my needs taken care of elsewhere. Instead I found out that he was going to another woman and telling her what a failure I was while I tried to fix other problems in our marriage, ones I thought were more pressing.

I know there are reasons why people don't want to get a divorce OR "can't" get a divorce, but letting the spouse think the relationship is acceptable is an awful betrayal. It lets YOU stay in the marriage and get your needs met, while they think everything is okay.

NOTE: I know there are exceptions to every rule and in a few cases the only choice is to look outside the marriage (spousal illness, fear of losing children) , but as a general rule I think some people convince themselves that they could not get a divorce even if that would be better for their partner. If your partner has said having sex with someone else is something I can't tolerate, then they get to make that choice. I don't think you get to have the sex while enjoying the benefits of the marriage.
More...
Oct 26, 2015 percysowner commented on The One Guy Who Can Fix Politics Is the One Guy Democrats Won't Let You Hear About.
I wouldn't mind Lessig in the debates now that he has dropped his "I'll get this passed then I'll quit" mantra. I would like to hear his proposals. The problem is that he can't be elected president wave a magic wand and get his agenda passed. Unfortunately he has shown no interest in the rest of the job.
Sep 8, 2015 percysowner commented on Savage Love.
I agree on how to approach the funky smelling pussy. For years I could tell when my husband was getting a sinus infection just by kissing him. He didn't even have symptoms yet, but I could tell because he smelled wrong and funky. It got him to the doctor before things turned really nasty several times. Couching it in terms that it might be something to have a doctor check into may actually help ward off other nastiness.
Aug 27, 2015 percysowner commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Forgiveness and Ashley Madison's Innocent Victims.
I have no advice about going to the police. However, I think you need to talk to your siblings. The promise to not talk about this raises flags for me. You say your siblings have never seen your dad be violent, but they may be operating under the "this was only one time and please don't tell anyone" directive. You at least need to make certain that this hasn't happened before so that you can assess how serious this is.

I do go along with the people who say throwing a vase or any object through a wall is less of a problem than the fact that the father also tossed the mother around. The second is abuse and may indicate a potential issue.

In any case, my heart goes out to you. This is a horrible situation and you should not be in the middle of it. Whatever choice you make, it it goes badly, it is not your fault. You are doing the best you can.
Jul 24, 2015 percysowner commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping.
You are far more tolerant than I am. I would tell the LW to not give this guy a second chance. Not because he ignored the rules but because he's trying to guilt trip her into feeling like SHE is wrong for asking he stick by the rules. What bothers me is this My partner thinks I'm the one who handled it poorly and cannot be monogamish due to jealously. That's more than ignoring the rules or even being a dick by "finishing up" when she had clearly said no. That's attacking her by stating that her reasons for being angry are a defect in character. She's asking for different actions to make this work. He's calling her a jealous witch for holding him to the rules. To me that's manipulative and a warning sign that monogamy aside, this could easily become a bad controlling relationship. Find someone who is willing to abide by the established rules and who, if they break them, doesn't say that you have no right to be upset about it. Find someone who wants to be monogamish AND will take responsibility for his actions if he screws up.