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Dec 8, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
@206: "Marriage has already been destroyed and redfined by prenups."

Hmmm, seems like the traditional marriage of the old days (as in the days of kings and queens and kingdoms) was, at root, a BUSINESS transaction. A way of consolidating power and kingdoms. And the prenuptual arrangements were typically very elaborate.

Even for those not in the upper/ruling classes, more often than not a marriage was preceded by an agreement to exchange goods as part of the deal (which often contained clauses nullifying or modifying the deal if certain conditions were not met, such as the woman being barren or adultery.)

Most in the farmer/working class married because they needed another body (and, in time, more bodies in the form of children) to work the fields/run the family business.

The concept of marriage for romantic love is a relatively new one (less than a few hundred years old) and one which REALLY "redefined" the institution from its traditional form to the one we know today in Western culture.

Regarding this week's column...oh for heaven's sake! This seemingly unending need to label and define ourselves and our sexuality grows tedious. "LGBTQIHPetc...." God forbid we should overlook someone/some possible aspect of human sexuality in our initialism!

I had no interest in reading all the arguments and life stories of those who took Dan to task on his classification of "poly"; was just disappointed not to get a Dan Savage column to read (though perhaps Dan appreciated the time off;)

Nov 29, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
Re' the poly issue, and the first letter-writer with no interest in a long-term romantic relationship or kids, why is is so important to so many to LABEL themselves AS something, identify AS that so stridently, and (and this is the part that really gets me) go to great lengths to ADVERTISE that identity/label to any and all?

Unless I am a potential or actual sexual or romantic partner, I have absolutely no interest in or need to know WHAT your sexual orientation/identity/preferences are.

And you have no reason to explain/rationalize yourself to nosy people who DON'T fall into the above categories with anything other than "I'm happy".

Once you pass that rather tedious stage of figuring out your own identity and/or discovering Queer Theory and/or advertising your orientation/identity in search of attention or affirmation (often somewhere in the early 20's it seems, and don't get me wrong, I think this is a useful and perhaps even vital stage which facillitates personal growth and the development of a group identity and support structure within it), why not just live your life as a human being who happens to orient/identify a certain way?

Your sexuality, while obviously a huge and important aspect of who you (we all) are, does not have to DEFINE you or be the MOST important thing about you. It should probably not be the first or even only thing about yourself most others know.

I happen to be a hetero female (on the continuum, I'd have to rate myself as around 98% hetero...I've tried sex with a woman and..ehhh..not so much up my alley, nor do I fantasize about women, but always about men).

And I happen to be pretty far down the continuum towards monogamous (so was my late common-law husband of 23 years). The idea of having more than one sexual partner at a time or even having a whole string of them at different times simply does not appeal to me.

I don't think there's anything WRONG with either of the above alternatives, they just don't trip MY triggers. That is MY orientation/identity/preference.

And (this post aside, lol) I don't feel any desire to broadcast this information to others UNLESS, of course, they happen to be potential or actual sexual/romantic partners.

As for used sexual gear, if it came second-hand from a retail source, fine. But if it was carried over from a prior relationship, seems like it would be potentially loaded with associations for both parties.
Oct 3, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
#60, I happen to LOVE "doggie-style", AND I happen to have a "tipped" or "tilted" uterus...

...something I had no idea about until my midwife casually informed me during my second perfectly healthy/normal pregnancy and which has never caused any major problems, sexually or otherwise, as far as I can tell.

The most I can say is that I tend to get mentrual discomfort (when I rarely get it) in my lower back rather than my belly area and at certain times in my cycle (when my cervix is low and open and a bit tender...the rel. brief fertile times, in other words) the thrusting of a reasonably large penis attached to a reasonably aroused and eager man CAN bang up against said cervix and cause a bit of discomfort....that's when we/I have to either switch positions or take it a bit easier on the pounding.

Perhaps that's what you are referring to?

Just FTR, it's something an estimated 25% or so of women HAVE, and is hardly the "fucking tragedy" you propose, even IF the male partner in question loves the position.

I would imagine a great many women with "properly" (please note sarcasm) tilted uteruses are likewise prone to cervical discomfort from a good hard pounding in that position, esp. at certain times of the month.

Henry Miller, as I recall, seemed FASCINATED with hard cervical poundings in his fiction, and HIS (fictional) women seemed to love it, but it never did a thing for me.???

But then, I ADORE a good hard pounding from the rear-entry position when my cervix is up higher and harder/not within reach and/or tender and open!

Sep 13, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
I completely agree about being open and honest with youths (male and/or female) re' sex (and birth and death and global climate change and other inevitable aspects of LIFE as they do/will know it).

But gifting a dildo? EWWWWW!

Being an open, honest Aunt/Mother does NOT, in my opinion or experience, include coaching the youngster in masturbation techniques. I managed QUITE well on my own, thanks, and so will she.

ANY adult broaching the subject directly at 14 would have sent me into a fatal EEEEEEWWWWWWW spiral from which I doubt I would ever have recovered!

General book on healthy sex delivered discretely and without comment? Great!

Frank, age approrpriate discussions from birth onward about sex, relationships, her body/his body, safer sex and birth control? ABSOLUTELY!

Gift-wrapped dildo (who even says she is INTO penetration with a big fake dick, anyway? I never was, all my heterosexuality aside) or bonding trip to a sex-toy Please, God, NO!

I don't want to live in a world in which elders and youths compare masturbation practices in graphic me old fashioned.

Thin about it; in this forum, it is routinely assumed that the mastubation practices of ADULTS are PRIVATE and to be respected as such (whether they are beating off to porn or fantasizing about gremlins or whatever). But suddenly, because it's a "kid", HER privacy is fair game? WTF?

I THINK you can rest assured she's discovered her vagina and clit and other parts by 14. If not, the book should really help. No need for YOU to get otherwise involved. (Eewww).

Aug 30, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
#32: "...Are you serious? If the genders were interchanged, that would definitely be rape..."
How so? If a woman INITIATED sex with a man in her sleep and the man oblidged her, not realizing she was asleep, it would no more be rape than THIS was.

And the INTENT of the "rapist" absolutely DOES matter! Someone who believes they are engaging in consenual sex with someone of legal age and sound mind CANNOT commit anything other than statutory rape(say if the partner turns out to be underage).

Dan was right on, imo, in pointing out that the BF's actions AFTER the event were blame-shifting and guilt-tripping. It's A-OK for BF to FEEL violated and icky, but it's NOT OK for him to blame and punish his GF for an honest mistake. HE INITIATED THE CONTACT, consciously or not. He's being a dick.
Jul 25, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
Just a heads-up; a few have suggested different ways to track fertility as non-hormonal birth control options.

The Cycle Beads sound neat, except for the fact that they apparently operate on the same principle as the notoriously unreliable "rhythm" or "calendar" method (you know, the one so many Catholic couples with 13 kids use/d at the urging of the church?)

In order to accurately predict and/or confirm ovulation (and hence fertility) it is necessary to monitor the signs and symptoms associated with can vary from month to month and from woman to woman and no calendar or other standard calculating device can be relied upon to catch those variations.

The little sticks you pee on to check hormone levels sound expensive (have you seen the cost of pregnancy tests lately?)

Much cheaper to just invest in a basal thermometer (more finely calibrated than the regular ones) and a tablet of graph paper....take your waking (or basal/base) temp. every morning and chart it on the paper. Takes all of 5 minutes a day before you get out of bed. Also monitor your cervical mucus and/or cervix itself.
(find a good book or look on-line for detailed info on the "fertility awareness" method).

The egg only lives for 24 hours, and sperm can only live inside your body for (at most) 4-5 days. So if you use the strict method (which, when used correctly, is as effective as the pill), and only have unprotected PIV sex AFTER ovulation and the death of the egg has been confirmed via temp and other signs (and don't risk it in the days approaching ovulation) that amounts to about a week a month of either abstinence or condom use.

Also, there's an awesome little device, a small lens you hold up to the light, which allows you to check your hormone fluctuations (and hence your approaching, declining, or absent fertility) by smearing a bit of cervical mucus OR saliva on the lens and viewing it (fertile or approaching fertile secretions reveal a "ferning" pattern).

But really, I would stick to temp and cervical tracking, at least until you are really experienced and confident.

For the writer with the selfish lover who'd rather see her go through health issues and misery rather than reduce his sensation or take responsibility for his own secretions, this might be a viable option.

Go OFF the fucking pill (it messed me up big time, too, for the 8 mths I used it way back when, and I am highly sensitive to spermicide as well) and spend a few to several months tracking your cycle and learning the method. If he wants PIV sex during that time, tell him his only option is wearing a condom. As it will be later if he wants PIV sex during your fertile times.

If he refuses to support you in reclaiming your health and power (over both your fertility AND his selfish manipulations) DTMFA.

Jul 4, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
@31:"Also, the pill kills the sex drive by simulating pregnancy, which means all those horny pregnant women are figments of your imagination."

I was horny as hell both times I was pregnant. The mantra running through my head 24/7, esp. during the last trimester, was "eatsleepfuck" or sometimes "fucksleepeat" or "sleepfuckeat" get the picture.

Kate Hudson reported the same in an interview I happened upon once, so it ain't just me.

Pregnancy hormones tend to make mucus membranes was like I was constantly ENGORGED and super sensitive all the time, as if I'd been having an extended session of foreplay.

DH and I had some of the most fantastic sex ever during pregnancy!

As for the pill, I was only ever on it for about 9 months when I was 19. I hated it. My cycles were thrown off, I was moody, and I gained 15 lbs in a few months for no apparent reason OTHER than the pill and didn't drop them until I quit the pill.

DH and I used fertility awareness in conjunction with condoms on fertile days for 20 years. But as noted here, that's a luxury reserved for those in monogamous, long-term relationships, and dissing condoms and/or birth control in general without stressing that caveat is supremely irresponsible, imo.

Mar 17, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
I have mixed feelings about Second Thoughts' dilemma.

On the one hand, I think we have been inculcated with this fairy-tale idea of romantic love (the shift from the age-old marriage of practicality to the romantic ideal ala Hollywood is a well documented event, says this film major) and as a result have incredibly unrealistic expectations of what our romantic/sexual (let's not even get into the whole porn influence!) relationships should be like and DTMFA at the first indication of deviation from that fantasy of eternal rainbows, unicorns, sunshine, and mind-blowing sex sans cellulite or farting.

Relationships have highs and lows (says this woman who was in a 23 yr., common-law, monogamous relationship which ended with my widowhood) and you have to ride out the lows to get back to the many, it seems, just end it when a low comes along instead of waiting it out/working on it.

On the OTHER hand, life is too fucking short to spend it with someone who annoys the hell out of you, and if you were really "in love" (this guy calls her a "girlfriend" and gives the impression that they haven't been together all that long, not several years or a decade or anything) WOULD the object of your supposed affection annoy you? Even IF everyone else thought them the biggest asshole on God's green earth? Not in my experience; love is indeed blind and for the first decade or so, you either ignore your beloved's faults or find them charming. This guy doesn't strike me as being "in love" with this woman. He likes the regular sex and the shared long-term goals (how very practical of him) but he can't fucking stand HER! SHE should DTMFA, knowing that it ain't likely to get any better as the years roll by.

She should find someone who finds her music, her table manners, her profanities as CHARMING as her GGG sexuality and long-term life plan.

Should he settle? Should SHE? (who is presumably unaware that her intended can't stand her). Are his expectations too high (probably) or is his chronic annoyance with her a huge red flag (absolutely).

We all have faults. We all suck in some areas and shine in others. This ideal of the "perfect" person we can love unconditionally because they don't bug us in any way DOES NOT EXIST in real life. Forget about it. Love is always a compromise. But if it feels like a complete abdication, it's not "love" nor is it worth it, imo.

Mar 3, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
Very well done this week, Dan, Bravo! ALMOST as well done as using your amazing gay powers to forever associate the name of Santorum with...well, SANTORUM!

Letter no. 1: yes, the scenario as presented is nothing short of a RAPE once removed. If that were MY S.O., he'd not only never get another 3-some on my watch, he'd be fucking fortunate to get another 2-some with me.
Feb 19, 2012 AnastasiaBeaverhousen commented on Savage Love.
"3) What does it say about me--that I'm not discerning? that I have poor taste?--that I *like* a lot of vigorous thrusting when I fuck?!"

It says you're a horny little pervert who needs a good, hard rogering!

Seriously, I like it too. Just not as the be all and end all and tend to lose interest when it persists too long after I've come and the whole all the way out and back in again thing just is not what trips my trigger. (the IN and partially out hard and fast thrusting is what gets my G-spot off and the close, steady grinding gets my clit off.)