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Feb 16, 2013 smidgebean commented on This Is What Parental Rejection Does to Gay Kids.
@5: my god, why don't we have that?! Dan, can't we do something about that?

Austin, I'm sure we would have been friends in school, but now I'm (probably) old enough to be your mom, and I sorta wish I were. In my house, you'd get hugs and love and support for being the sweet, thoughtful, authentic guy you are. I'm beyond sorry for what your mom did to you. It's inexcusable. She is choosing some crazy ideology over the human in front of her. It is pitiable. But you are not pitiable. Hang in there, Austin. There are so very many fantastic people out there who would count themselves lucky as hell to have you in their lives. Believe it. And stick around so you can meet us. *Love*
Jan 9, 2013 smidgebean commented on Savage Love Episode 324.
@20, yes. And also, female masturbation isn't really analogous to PIV. So whatever feels good solo isn't necessarily (or at all) going to be mimicked by actually having intercourse with a man. It takes a while, for HER, too, to figure out how to make it happen if she's one of the 75%. Add to that the general prioritization of male pleasure, and you sometimes get a woman who is embarrassed that she's not coming, thinks she's "broken," and says "oh, it's ok, it still felt good even though I didn't come." And while that last part is probably true, she'd still rather be getting off. In general, I would like for more women to be "hung up on coming," and going after what makes them feel good. I don't know any guys who'd be ok with regularly not coming during sex, except maybe if he has physical issues that prevent it.

@18: was it clear from the call that she used the "fail" word to his face? She did call him a selfish lover, IIRC. Not nice, but what if he is? There are guys who make a half-assed attempt for a couple minutes, get bored or "tired," and give up. Those guys need to be pulled up short or dumped. Or both.

I had an LTR when I was a teen, and we spent tons of time on the phone, and we talked about sex a lot. We had amazing sex when we were together, and I think it helped a lot that we could talk about it NOT in the moment, with a bit of distance. It was almost philosophical, and in that way our egos weren't as involved, but we both knew that we were really learning about each other. It also helped that he was a fantastic guy.
Oct 24, 2012 smidgebean commented on Savage Love Episode 313.
Also, re: the guy who loves his boyfriend's smell. Maybe the caller's BF just thinks he's a stinky guy (maybe even been told that by others) and kinda hates it, and it doesn't compute that you dig his stank. More "I really don't get it" than "you're a gross creepy guy for liking it." That said, he needs to know how you're perceiving what he's saying, that you're feeling very judged by him. That's the thing that needs to stop. He thinks it's weird or doesn't get it? So what? Like so many of our kinks/fetishes, it's not up to others to "get" it. It's not rational anyway. It's up to him to accept that you like smelling him (it really isn't that weird... most of us have sniffed the pillow of a lover who was out of town) and indulge you in it (which it sounds like he does). Now he just needs to learn to keep the comments to himself.
Oct 24, 2012 smidgebean commented on Savage Love Episode 313.
I was surprised Dan went so easy on the cross dressing dad. If he were into doing drag shows or cross dressing in his everyday life, I can see why it'd be important for his daughter to know, but that's not the case. He was telling her how he masturbates. What on earth for? So he tells her once (which I think is inappropriate), and it's come up a LOT since then? Again, why?

Sounds like he married two women without disclosing his cross dressing, and maybe that's a large part of why those marriages ended (Dan posited this, but I'm not sure the caller did so.). And in the wake of his second divorce, he is looking for validation of his sexual practices from his daughter? She seemed so concerned that he would feel rejected by her. It's not up to her to reject or accept his sexual practices; that's the job of a lover. Speculation: he's now scared to tell any prospective partners and is talking about it with his daughter as a sort of substitute, and that isn't cool. Gives me a creeper vibe, not because of the cross dressing at all, but because of the over sharing.
Oct 18, 2012 smidgebean commented on Savage Love.
@176. You do see that I'm not in total disagreement, unlike many others in this thread. I may take exception to your tone, but I, in the scenario I laid out, would allow the guy to be off the hook. Why are you arguing with that, when it seems to be what you want?
Oct 18, 2012 smidgebean commented on Savage Love.
@164: that was almost exactly my point. If the child couldn't be well cared for in a way that I was comfortable with, then I'd have to make the choice to adopt out or terminate. Because I personally wouldn't be comfortable putting someone else in the position of committing, if only monetarily, to a child he didn't want. If I could give a child everything she/he needed, what would be the point of going after more? If there's enough, why does it matter who's paying? And if I couldn't, well then maybe what I want isn't the most important thing here. Maybe a compromise is in order that tries to be cool to everyone, including the child. As you say, it's about the child's needs. It's more my idea of course correcting for that one extra choice that's just mine.

I agree that kids should ideally be supported by both parents. And I'm not advocating any get out of jail free cards for men either. I'm reasonably sure that holding men accountable financially and legally in these situations is the law's way of trying to even out the disproportionate burden women bore before Roe gave us that extra choice. Just trying to game out what course I, as one person, would likely take.

I don't get your last paragraph. I never said anything about the parents not liking each other; it has nothing to do with that and frankly that didn't enter my mind. My scenario was one in which the father wasn't interested in having a child, not one partner trying to deny access to a parent who actually wanted access.
Oct 18, 2012 smidgebean commented on Savage Love.
Does the law go after unmarried men for child support as a matter of course, or is that done if the mother chooses to pursue that option? I'm sincerely asking. Because as a woman who has never wanted kids and who takes all reasonable precautions to ensure that an unplanned pregnancy won't occur, here's what I think I'd do if I were faced with an unplanned pregnancy and for whatever reason I didn't want an abortion (reasonably certain I would terminate, but who knows). Talk to the dad. If he's in and I'm in for keeping it/ adoption, great. If I'm in and he's not, then I consider whether I could raise the child on my own. If not, I would not keep the baby and would revisit the abortion decision and seriously consider adoption. Because the thing is, we both had the sex, we both went into it with the same knowledge of risk (we're using contraception, but hey, nothing's foolproof). I simply cannot fathom asking a man who didn't want a child to commit to one anyway. I won't go so far as to say it's *wrong* for other women to go after that child support; I just simply cannot imagine doing that, because at the time of conception, we both made the same choice. But now, with an unplanned pregnancy, I do get one extra choice that he doesn't get. It's an inequity that must exist because of biology, but its still an inequity. So if I'm broke/ill-equipped but still reeeeally want a baby and the guy reeeeally doesn't, seems to me that's a moment where I probably need to be an adult and make a decision based on what's best for the situation.

I really can't imagine I'm the only one who feels this way.
Sep 5, 2012 smidgebean commented on Savage Love Episode 306.
To the woman whose fiancé ""threw her under the bus": it sounds to me as if you care what she thinks of you. Why? Sure, no one likes being called a stuck-up jealous bitch (and I hope your guy stuck up for you), but seriously, who cares what she thinks? And also, you know that statement was a ploy on her part, right? It says more about her than it does about you. Let it roll right off.
Dec 1, 2011 smidgebean commented on Savage Love Episode 267.
@14: Precisely. And I would be willing to bet that @4's heart is in the right place, but that s/he does not actually behave this way in a relationship (ie, asking permission for every touch before it's initiated). It seems a bit willfully obtuse to me.
Nov 29, 2011 smidgebean commented on Savage Love Episode 267.
@4: I get your impulse here; really I do. But perhaps the problem is the term "implied consent." That, to some ears, may sound like "implied consent for sex whenever the other person wants it." But Dan's example is clearly more along the lines of "implied consent to make a move." And that is perfectly reasonable in an LTR, it seems to me. If a long-term boyfriend of mine grabs my ass, it's fine even if he doesn't ask first. If I tell him to knock it off, he should, of course. Same goes with sex. Each person has a right to make a move (again, these people are in a relationship) to initiate sex, even physically. If the other person says no, the initiator should stop, but the move itself is not assault or anything like it.

As for making a move when the GF is sleeping, well, presumably she wakes up pretty quickly, right? At that point, she can go with it or say no. I can't imagine this guy is having sex with her and she never wakes up. And if she doesn't want him to wake her up for sex, talk to him later in the day and tell him that.