very_very_vera
Albuquerque, NM
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Apr 4 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: After 15 Years, Her Husband Still Looks Like A Child & She's Not Into It.
I married very young, to a wonderful man. And I had a ton of issues from childhood abuse. We stayed together for four years, and I ended the marriage because I couldn't find a way to open up and talk honestly with him about my feelings. I was ashamed - I felt damaged and unworthy, although I would not have been able to frame it that way at the time. I've done s shit-ton of therapy since then, and ridden my own little roller-coaster as I've worked through that ton-o-shit. I've often wondered what would have happened if I could have just talked with him. Maybe we still would have divorced, but maybe not. There was a lot of good there.
Shame is crippling, and I sense that in the LW. I can relate to her sense of pressure and desperation, and also the lack of clarity as to what's really bothering her. My best advice would be to get some distance - maybe take a trip by yourself, and see if you can gain some clarity before making any big decisions. Then whatever you decide you'll have some trust that you're doing what's right.
All the best --
Mar 8 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Should I Warn My Mom's New Girlfriend About My Mom?.
Dan's advice is great. Definitely say something to both mom and the GF. Sometimes a passionate relationship can blur the real level of pressure. As someone who was financially duped by an ex, I really would have appreciated a heads up from people who had more information than I did at the time.
Nov 9, 2016 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Her Husband Voted For Trump (She Thinks) And She Wants Out.
Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself, your kids and you mental and emotional well-being for the time it takes for you to leave. Don't talk with him about what you're doing - he's not the person who can help you plan this, and there's no need to set yourself up for sabotage. And no, you don't owe him any conversation. You owe it to yourself and your kids to make the best life possible for your family. Can you find someone to talk with who can support you? A therapist? Maybe through a women's center or shelter? I think it would help you to have someone in your corner. Also, yes to the IUD or tubal ligation, based on whether you might want more kids in the future. You don't need his permission. Don't even discuss it with him - just take care of yourself. I'm rooting for you!!
Aug 10, 2016 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Worst Breakup Story Ever.
Custody in today's world is a very different thing than 10 or 15 or 20 years ago. LW there is no way to keep this guy out of your life if you decide to have this baby. None. NONE. Today's courts do not presume children would be better off with mom, and indeed in contested custody cases fathers are winning significant custody the majority of the time. This not only makes your life potential hell, it makes your child's life potential hell. That old Bill Engvall routine "Here's your Sign" comes to mind. He just pulled the emotional rug from under you and your main question is whether or not this is normal. Sounds like major shock to me. He just told you who he is. Believe him.
Aug 8, 2016 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Punting.
I think this is an inappropriate application of Cheryl Strayed. I think this guy has deeper issues that he isn't willing to explore or take responsibility for. LW seems to hint at deeper issues as well, but she sounds so smitten that she wants to be talked out of them. I think the guy's behavior was pretty bad/inconsiderate/asshole-ish, and after being together for two years, I think he knew she'd find it devastating. Relationships that involves repeated round and round conversations, in my experience, cost more than they are worth. If there can't be straightforward communication, clear agreements and enough maturity and willingness to follow through with said agreements, then there are mortal problems, in my opinion.
Jul 17, 2016 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Touchy-Feely Potential Fiancé.
I'm with the camp that sees sexual aggression, entitlement, and male power dynamics at play. I'm uncomfortable when this kind of behavior is written off as circumstantial social awkwardness. That's exactly how predators protect themselves/are protected. I also find the qualities of intensity and rapid push for marriage concerning. They line up with the profile of an abusive personality more closely than a socially awkward one. As far as I'm concerned, this puts him "on the spectrum" of power dynamics. Those are remarkably hard to change.
May 17, 2016 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: How Can I Be a Good Ally to My Abusive Trans Ex?.
In general, I think offering any feedback to obsessive exes is a huge mistake. Any attention will increase their emotional investment. It's for us each to decide what we want in our lives, and what we don't. If you don't want someone in your life, don't engage, and don't explain. I would be protecting myself against her/his messages, and turning them into spam.

I also agree that the LW feeling obligated to be a good person is part of what's keeping her hooked into an abusive dynamic. I think she owes herself, not the ex, and not the trans community. Protecting oneself from abuse trumps all that. She can (and obviously wants to) be a good ally in every other arena, but she owes no one anything when the stakes are her personal well-being.

As for her coming out story, it's hers, and she can tell it the way she feels is true. Whatever scars she has from this relationship are still affecting her. Figuring out
what she needs to do for herself to heal these might be a better focus for the LW.
Aug 11, 2015 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Will the Cheating Cheater I Cheated With Ever Stop Cheating On Me?.
Seems like he wants desperately to be believed, until he is. Then he immediately demonstrates that he should not have been believed. When he is exposed, he admits only to what he must, and has no qualms about leaving some continuing "secrets" for later discovery. I wouldn't trust a word that came out of his otherwise smart, stable, kind mouth. And I seriously doubt he is actually any of those things, either. He wants what he wants, and he puts on the right show to get it. Sounds like his sincerity goes about a millimeter deep. LW simply wants to know what she's dealing with, and is willing to offer an open marriage. He turned it down, and simultaneously pulled the secretary into the mix in a totally fucked up way. LW, I don't think he can give you any level of honesty. He's not giving you, or anyone else, anything but smoke and mirrors. Get yourself and your baby out while you can. And, yeah, make sure you get the house.
Aug 5, 2015 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Advising On a Tight Deadline.
@174: The word eudaemonic literally means "conducive to happiness", which has always seemed to me a strange fit for this poster. I appreciate the other options you mention - I would vote for the comic book option as well, seeing as how he specifically mentioned comics in relation to his avatar. Maybe turning into a demon is conducive to his happiness.
Aug 5, 2015 very_very_vera commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Advising On a Tight Deadline.
@168: I would say that what doesn't work is having an exchange with someone who insists on setting the terms for all sides of the conversation by invalidating any other perspective.

But, that's just me speaking for myself. And I direct my comments to everyone on this thread that is not you, Eudaemonic, because I can see that you don't need my input to come to your conclusion about what it is I'm saying.