Yeah, it's a copy of that.

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Nov 22, 2013 SilverChimera commented on Savage Love.
@96 Suzy, Dan's not saying that people only do monogamy "because sex is so unimportant to them." He's saying that our culture pushes monogamy with the message that sex is shallow, unimportant, etc.--with the message that, if sexual variety or frequency is so important to you that you feel like you want or need multiple partners at the same time, then something is wrong with you.

You say, "People choose [kinks] because they like them... Monogamy can be like that too."

Yes, monogamy can be like that. But for many people, it's not a choice or something they do because they like. It's something they do because they've been taught that any other option is wrong. Maybe not explicitly, but it's hard to miss the "lesson" when you start telling folks about your second boyfriend, or your husband's girlfriend, and they give you That Look. (And some are taught that lesson quite explicitly, too.)

Monogamy is a choice (or natural inclination) for some people. But it's still something that's forced or pressured onto others. It's the forcing that Dan is trying to reveal as illogical with this snark (its contradiction with other messages in our culture about sex), not the monogamy itself.
Nov 22, 2013 SilverChimera commented on Savage Love.
Also, @10: You ask, "Why the monogamy snark on the first guy?"

The answer is, it's not monogamy snark. It's snark about the culture's self-contradictory messages about sex in a more general sense--that it's simultaneously the Most Important Thing (so important that, if your partner does it with someone else, you should leave his cheating ass!) and Such a Shallow Concern (one that shouldn't trump love, y'know? There's so much more to marriage than that!).

Dan doesn't bring up non-monogamy because it's relevant to this guy's case. He brings it up because it's the flip-side of the cultural coin that insists that sex is utterly unimportant compared to the "deeper things" you share with your life partner. (He brings it up for comparison, to illustrate the culture's self-contradiction.)
Nov 22, 2013 SilverChimera commented on Savage Love.
@10 "The culture tells the young and the straight that they ... shouldn't take sexual compatibility into consideration when picking a partner (because sex is so unimportant)."

Um, when did this happen? Far be it from me to prevent anyone feeling victimized, but "sexual compatibility matters, if you can't work it out break up now, this will only get more frustrating as time passes" is de rigeur mainstream advice from columnists and peanut galleries alike.

Sure, it's de rigeur... if you hang out in fairly liberal places reading advice from fairly liberal columnists, like Dan Savage and Slate's Dear Prudence. But it's not mainstream mainstream.

It's true that not a lot of folks wait until marriage before having sex, but lots of folks still hold that up as an ideal. Which means that lots of folks are essentially saying either, "Sexual compatibility is unimportant to the future of your relationship (on either a relative or an absolute scale" or "You can determine sexual compatibility without having sex."

And I've seen plenty of people making arguments predicated on the former, responding to complaints of sexual incompatibility with everything from, "The only really important question is whether you LOVE each other--if you do, you should be able to make it work" to "What, she's not putting out enough for you? And THAT'S why you're leaving? How shallow."

Regardless of what college kids are doing these days (and most of those reports are exaggerated, btw--…), promiscuity (for girls, at least) is not an accepted cultural practice. About 40% of Americans still think premarital sex is morally wrong:…
Sep 11, 2013 SilverChimera commented on Savage Love.

She's not asking him to change his body. She's not demanding surgery. And she's not saying that she has a fundamental problem with the sex that they have. She's just saying she's had sex that involves a particular sensation that she really enjoyed--which he could achieve through the use of a readily-available sex toy--and she would like to have it again.

I see no indication that she's currently miserable in bed with him and would like to fix that misery by getting him to switch to only screwing her with a sheath on. My understanding of the letter is that the sex they're having is mostly pretty good--as sex mostly is--but she would occasionally like to add something that would be mind-blowingly amazing, and that something, for her, would be achieved with a sheath.

Would you equally have a problem with it if that something was achieved with a vibrator, or a dildo, or a vibrating dildo? Or a cock ring? The sheath is just another tool in the pursuit of pleasure. Nothing in her letter indicates that it's anything more than that.
Sep 11, 2013 SilverChimera commented on Savage Love.
@21, the difference is, she doesn't say one critical word about sex with her boyfriend. "Loose and sloppy"? She says he's average, not small. She doesn't say the sex is bad. She just says there is a particular sensation she's looking for, that she would like to have again. The end.

I wouldn't be insulted if my partner wanted me to do Kegels--which is the true equivalent of the dick sheath, both being the simplest solution to achieving the desired sensation, unless you know of some exercise LW1's boyfriend could do to make his dick bigger. Why should LW1's boyfriend be insulted if she wants to try a dick sheath?

If you're GGG, you should be willing to try new things in bed to please your partner. I think this falls into that category very neatly.
Aug 7, 2013 SilverChimera commented on Savage Love.
Vennominon, I'm sorry, but I just don't see it. It's common to the point of being a stereotype for fathers to feel protective of their daughters and highly dislike those daughters' boyfriends. NPNH may be his brother's sibling, but he's in a parental role now. And his brother may not be a girl, but his boyfriend sounds a lot like the kind of disrespectful asshole any father would dislike.

"Help, my kid's asshole boyfriend is going to ruin my kid's bright future!" is a time-honored complaint. I see nothing homophobic--or even merely "gay-tolerant"--about it. Exaggerating the boy's age, even, sounds exactly like how a father would think of any of his kids' almost-too-old boyfriends.

The boyfriend might not see the LW as a father figure in his boyfriend's life. That doesn't mean the LW doesn't take his own role seriously and genuinely expect to be treated like a father. In that context, the boyfriend is more than a little rude. And the LW's concerns, even if over-protective, are understandable. Not homophobic.
May 22, 2013 SilverChimera commented on Savage Love.
#89 "She thought that she was "exploring her sexuality" on her own terms; that is, without ever actually getting close to anything resembling actual sex."

So, in your mind, it's not legitimate for a 14-year-old to want to do mildly sexual things (such as kissing) if they're not willing to do more advanced sexual things (such as dry humping)? You're not allowed to do it in steps, it's all or nothing? That's ridiculous. It's healthy for young people to take sex one step at a time, and decide for themselves (hopefully with the guidance of some sexual education) how far they want each step to go.

"When she found out that all that sexy rubbing up against each other was actually simulated sex, and that her boyfriend had had a totally unsimulated orgasm, she freaked"

"They" weren't rubbing up against each other, HE was rubbing up against her. She didn't realize that he was simulating sex until he came, and didn't consent to it before or after his coming.

She was ready for the part she consented to. She wasn't ready for the part she *didn't* consent to. The conclusion is that they should've communicated more. But while her trauma might not be entirely his fault, it's surely not *hers,* either.
May 22, 2013 SilverChimera commented on Savage Love.
I agree with #41, very much so. I don't think the boy in L1 was doing anything maliciously. But it's not too much to ask that a sexual partner, of any age, look and ask (directly or indirectly) for signs of consent.

Also, I saw someone else comment that she may have felt that she was being used as a "masturbatory aid." I agree. She was very young, she wanted to explore her sexuality in slow, gradual steps, and the next thing she knows, her boyfriend has dry-humped her and orgasmed. To a 14-year-old girl, who may or may not have ever orgasmed herself (female masturbation still being less accepted and widespread even today), this probably seemed like a huge deal. The event went from "shy, early sexual explorations" to "adult sex" in her mind.

While it seems that all of us here in the comments are aware that 14-year-old boys ejaculate fairly frequently (and often without much control), to her, it seemed like he had deliberately taken the encounter from something very mildly sexual to something quite extremely sexual. And it's silly to judge her for that conclusion. Everyone has different boundaries of comfort. But she would probably feel better if she had the opportunity to talk to a therapist. He/she would likely point out what we've all pointed out (that it was likely an accident) and help her get a little closure.

I agree with most of the commenters that she shouldn't reach out to him. I doubt it would be satisfying at all. This is really the kind of thing she should work out on her own (and/or with a little therapy).
May 1, 2013 SilverChimera commented on SL Letter of the Day: You're Doing Everything Right.
I'm adding this super late, but: as someone who once did a lot of online dating, profiles can blend into each other pretty easily. I'm no devotee, but being an amputee would've made you stand out (in a good way) to me. It suggests that you're someone who's had to deal with a certain amount of adversity and, hopefully, are more considerate and self-aware because of it. It wouldn't guarantee you a date with me, but it would definitely cause me to give your profile another look.
May 1, 2013 SilverChimera commented on SL Letter of the Day: They Make Vibrating Hairbrushes?.
I can't wait for the day that people get comfortable enough with the idea of sex and masturbation to not be creeped out by the fact that their kids masturbate and have sex, their parents masturbate and have sex, and hell, even their grandparents masturbate and have sex. It's not fucking creepy. It's healthy, normal, and awesome. And no, not every kid is creative enough or brave enough to experiment with random household products. And some kids grow up in families that don't have electric toothbrushes or detachable showerheads. And some kids--especially young women--simply cannot bring themselves to orgasm without a vibrator.

So, jeez. Get over yourselves. I'd rather just go ahead and take my daughter to a sex shop if need be, but if she'd prefer an oblique approach, vibrating hairbrush it is!

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