Oct 20 Jina commented on Savage Love.
I like how Oodletrend@64 completely ignored the bulk of my post and only responded to the part that doesn't require him to actually answer any hard questions.

Ooodletrend, I would take you more seriously that you really just want to discuss if you didn't deflect and evade the hard questions. As it is, though, I see no reason to not think that you're just a troll, you made up having a daughter so you could say "see, I care about women!", and you enjoy playing a hurt victim cuz all the mean hysterical uptight hypervigilant wimminz who are blinded by their self-righteousness are ganging up on you.
Oct 19 Jina commented on Savage Love.
@57 and 59 Oodletrend - the reason you are getting so much crap for your response is because you are doing exactly what is part of the problem: brushing it off as an exaggeration, saying that everyone is overreacting, and quite simply not believing the storyteller because maybe, MAYBE she's an "uptight, hyper-freaked-out, danger-is-everywhere contemporary American parent, who completely over- and misinterpreted a harmless gesture from a friendly, slightly tipsy person." Is that what you would say to your daughter if she said to you "Daddy, some man who smelled bad touched me at the store today and scared me"? Would you tell her, "oh, sweetie, you're just being oversensitive, he probably didn't mean you any harm"? My friends didn't believe me when I said I didn't like that counselor touching me either, they just thought I was being shy and he was just being friendly, and look where that went. Their reaction - thinking it was funny and sweet - scared and confused me and made me second-guess my instincts and wonder if his behavior was really okay.

It's pretty clear that you have very little understanding of why rape and sexual assault is one of the most under-reported crimes in the US. It's because people like yourself think that it's "healthy skepticism" to question victims' accounts and essentially blame them for blowing an incident out of proportion, misinterpreting a "friendly gesture," or implying that the victim did something to incite the incident. I strongly recommend that you read the non-fiction book "Missoula" by Jon Krakauer, which chronicles several rape cases in a Montana college town over several years. The cops and prosecutors treated many of the victims exactly the way you're interpreting this story, and it affected the victims severely.

I also hope you realize that part of the reason you think everyone is overreacting is because you are male, so your chance of getting creeped on is far lower than every woman's, including your little girl's. I don't know about everyone else, but I shared my stories because I think people like you should know that it can happen to anyone and anywhere, it's a common occurrence for women, and try as you might, you can't always protect your child from such things happening (seriously, do you think I didn't have a dad who cared about me the same way you care about your little girl?). Just read the stories here. Many of them start with a similar "harmless" encounter like the one in LW1's story. And many of us perceive that the drunk man's intentions may not have been pure or friendly because we've seen it escalate when it happened to us or other women we know *so many times*. Your "healthy skepticism" reaction is like telling a doctor who has made a lifelong study of a specific disease and diagnoses it in a patient, "are you sure it's not just a cold?" And, by the way, your "healthy skepticism" defense of your first post doesn't make sense, considering you made that post before anyone wished violence on the drunk customer.

Lastly, you do know that the Daily Mail is a tabloid, not a real newspaper, right? I will agree with you that Internet vigilantism can get out of hand and threats of violence are not okay, but you don't have to imply that a woman's account of her child being made uncomfortable in public by a drunk man is exaggerated or false in order to make that point.
Oct 19 Jina commented on Savage Love.
@45 Paul231 - That's great. You should announce that when you go out in public, that you will be happy to be grabbed. Then maybe all the pervs, male AND female, will grope you to their hearts' content and leave everyone else alone.

What's that, you only wanted women to grab you? Well tough, if we don't get to choose who gropes us in public (or if we even want to be groped, for that matter), then you can't either.
Oct 19 Jina commented on Savage Love.
@34 - it's possible you haven't heard about it because your daughter simply never told you about it. I was groped by an old man on a crowded public bus when I was 12 - I was with three friends, but we were somewhat separated due to the crowd. The man grabbed me by behind and shoved his hand down my pants. When we got off the bus, we were all in shock, especially when, one by one, we found that he had moved through the bus and groped all of us. None of us ever talked about it again, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who never told their parents. It didn't help that it happened in a time and place where the culture was extremely patriarchal and victim-blaming was rampant. More than 20 years later, the only person I've told about this in person is my husband (I've mentioned it on the Internet many times, though). The subject just never comes up, and if I did decide to tell my mother, I don't even know what I'd say. Dan is absolutely right that LW1's daughter is lucky that her mother was there when it happened - how does a child even start a conversation like that when they're too young to understand what just happened themselves? If they think there's a chance they'll get in trouble because they don't know who was right and who was wrong, then they'll be even more likely to hide it and hope it just blows over.

On a side note, I wonder if Oodletrend and cockyballsup would be so quick to assume the parent was neurotic or overreacting if the father was there instead of the mother. It's sad to see that "women's problems stem from hysteria" has been used by men to dismiss women's concerns for hundreds of years, and it still hasn't gone away.

Also, particularly @cockyballsup, just because some adults tolerate uncomfortable gestures doesn't mean kids should too, even if it seems harmless. In fact, I would say it's doubly important for kids to understand that they shouldn't tolerate it, because young kids don't have the experience to know what's harmless and what's not. Hillary, for example, may not like being touched on the arm, but she also probably knows that Obama isn't likely to assault her. In contrast, one year when I went to school camp, one of the counselors would constantly walk next to me while holding my hand. My classmates thought this was hilarious - an adult (not a teenager, a 20- or 30-something adult) treating a kid like a date! They thought it was harmless and cute and so sweet that he liked me, even though I said I didn't like the attention. One day, we were in the lunch line when the counselor came in, obviously looking for me, and I hid behind someone and tried to be inconspicuous. My friend, who was standing next to me, grabbed my hand and waved it around, yelling "Here she is!" Again, she thought it was funny and harmless and cute. The guy spotted us, ran over, and kissed me on the cheek. I almost cried; I couldn't have told you why at the time, but I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. The stunned look on my friend's face told me she had finally realized that his "friendliness" was NOT harmless, and she never did anything like that again. We were nine years old.

On the last night of camp, everyone was taken out for a night hike and stargazing. That counselor separated me from my class in the dark and took me back to the counselors' cabin instead. I'm not sure what happened next, since this was in another country that I had just moved to and didn't speak the language well, but when we got there the head counselor was reading a book at the cabin. It was obvious that neither man expected to see the other there. The head counselor yelled at him, then escorted me back to my class himself. Again, I didn't understand what was going on, and I'll never know what was said that night. I just knew that I was so scared when the counselor made me go with him, and then was so relieved when I saw the head counselor in the cabin and he got so mad. To this day I wonder what would have happened if I hadn't been lucky that he was there that night.

But, according to the logic of folks like Oodletrend and cockyballsup, maybe he just wanted to give me s'mores or stopping me from walking over a cliff. Right? We should give him the benefit of the doubt. It's not like he did anything really creepy, light touching and a kiss is pretty harmless, right? Perhaps I was just an oversensitive little girl who felt that something was not right about his behavior because I was overimaginative and raised by hypervigilant parents (actually I had a pretty typical US suburban childhood where I stayed out until dark with nary an adult in sight).

Yeah, how about no.
Oct 5 Jina commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Minor Inconvenience.
Heh, I wonder if this scam is even *decades* old and pre-dates the Internet? Agatha Christie wrote about a similar scam as a short story in The Labors of Hercules - a mother and her pretty daughter befriend a single man at a vacation resort, then extort money from him under the pretense of hushing up a scandal that could damage his career.

On a side note, for the last year or so, I've been getting phone calls on and off from the IRS and a couple of other government agencies, saying I owe several hundred dollars in fines and that there's a warrant out for my arrest if I don't pay up immediately. Interestingly enough, the warrant is in my business name, not my legal name. One gentleman who called got mad and yelled at me that he was sending the cops to arrest me when, instead of offering him money, I asked him why he wasn't using the name on my tax returns, and informed him that impersonating a government entity is a crime and I could report him.

Even more amazing, who knew the IRS hired so many foreign workers? Every single person who has called me about this spoke in heavily accented English. How progressive they are!
Oct 5 Jina commented on Savage Love.
Is LW1 sure that the problem is bacterial/yeast infections? I just wonder if she could have an allergy of some kind. They had something like that on some show about weird sex problems once - a married couple was having similar problems after sex, and they found out that there was some unusual protein in the husband's sperm that the wife was allergic to. Since they were a super-religious couple that believed in abstinence before marriage, they didn't know this would be a problem until they were married and trying to conceive.
Sep 29 Jina commented on Savage Love.
@88 - I'm not sure which direction you're looking to go in when you say "how far do you go." "I murdered someone; help me dispose of the body" then certainly she should know so she can run the hell away. "I fantasized about someone else last night while we were having sex" is fairly harmless, and I see little point in disclosing.

No, I advocate that she should know because she is going through a major event in her life - i.e. marriage - without all of the information. She knows that her fiance contemplated cheating, and she forgave him for that. What she doesn't know is that he proceeded to cheat *after* she forgave him. He gave her the false idea that he was willing to accept monogamy as the price of admission to be with her, and then reneged on that as soon as he had the opportunity to do so.

In addition to that, this isn't really a "past" fault. Certainly everyone has something in their past that they haven't told their significant others, be it because it never came up or it's just not relevant to the current relationship. But this IS relevant to the current relationship. Concealing a fairly big betrayal of her trust, i.e. doing something she explicitly asked him not to do, and, it bears repeating, he *agreed* not to do, in order to keep her around, doesn't exactly scream "I'm thinking of my partner's happiness" so much as "I'm a selfish prick."

@92 - And I say it isn't. If you're going to rebut, please elaborate a little more than that. Are you saying he should wait until they're safely married and she is legally bound to him?
Sep 29 Jina commented on Savage Love.
Steamed Hams @79 said exactly what I was thinking. I think the fiancee deserves to make her own decisions, and withholding the information is selfish and self-serving. Whether she dumps him, postpones the wedding while she thinks things through, decides to give it a try and work through it, or all/none of the above, it should be her choice, because it's her life too, and he has no right to take that away from her. If he truly feels guilty about this, then he needs to come clean instead of seeking absolution from an advice columnist who is going on his word alone about how terrible he feels.
Sep 21 Jina commented on Savage Love.
Ricardo @73 "What is not valid here is you using your personal experience to vouch for all her future decisions."

Actually, I didn't say anything about my personal experience. My comment was based solely on the impressions I got from her letter. Out of curiosity, what exactly *do* you know about my personal experience? (not being sarcastic, you've really made me curious about just how much I've revealed about myself here)

Would you be happy if SNIP showed up in the comments and said that, if her husband asked her to, she would get her tubes tied or a hysterectomy or whatever it takes to render her infertile? Is that the kind of "guarantee" you're looking for? And frankly, I'm not even sure why you addressed that comment to me. I was just trying to provide an alternate explanation to "she's clearly a gold-digger" for why the inheritance is relevant to her pushing her husband to get a vasectomy. Not sure how that turned into "you're advocating the double standard she's forcing on him."
Sep 21 Jina commented on Savage Love.
I'm kind of puzzled that a lot of people are jumping to the conclusion that SNIP is a gold-digger because she mentioned her husband's inheritance. I thought she put that in there as an additional reason to worry that some woman will get "oops" pregnant by her husband, then use the inheritance to argue that she deserves huge child support payments that are, uh, yeah, *totally* for the child. That's a valid concern - look at how much Paul McCartney, or any other celebrity, has to pay in child support to ex-spouses who had their kid, in order to "maintain a comfortable lifestyle for the child." She doesn't seem concerned about keeping the money for herself, just that her husband has an extra target painted on his back for actual gold-diggers who aren't above getting pregnant for a free ride, like what happened to his father *three* times.

Personally I think she just needs to sit her husband down and have a talk about what's going on, why he says one thing and then doesn't follow through, etc., but I guess she wanted reassurance from Dan first that she wasn't totally nuts for seeing this as such a big issue.