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Jul 3 commented on Savage Love.
As a former sex worker myself, I can say with sincerity that the old adage ' One doesn't pay the hooker for sex, one pays the hooker to leave' is indeed true. The client pays the hooker to gather her things and leave after sex without asking for anything else, sticking around to nag the client or harbor expectations in the future. If the LW is concerned she'll feel like a sex worker at the end of a sex session that consists of everyone avoiding eye contact, dressing and heading off in their own homes' direction uncomfortably, and never speaking to each other again, then I guess I can understand her reluctance. I think her her concerns stem from a lack of imagination and the fact that she seems to be unacquainted with the concept of the friendly, intimate and long-lasting relationship that is possible between a unicorn and her funny, attractive married couple friends. I was lucky to experience two such relationships in my younger years and found them quite rewarding. All three of us learned a great deal from one another and had many fun nights together. Its important for everyone to establish boundaries before embarking on this journey, but as Dan mentioned you all might just blend well and establish a mutually rewarding relationship of sorts. You won't feel like a hooker if you 1) don't accept payment, and 2) wait to develop a genuine connection with these people before jumping in the sack.
Jun 19 commented on Savage Love.
#10, you said:
"I wonder what POLY means when he says "I would like to have a main, fulfilling, and committed relationship without limiting myself sexually or emotionally."
I think what the LW meant is that he wants to have a committed primary relationship with an arrangement that allows him to remain open to pursue opportunities for sexual and emotional connections outside of said primary relationship. There's a really great book called "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy that details the many difficulties that Poly lifestyle can present, and offers strategies for those who are attempting to explore sex and intimacy beyond the limits of conventional monogamy, albeit without the dishonesty and feelings of betrayal that sometimes accompany attempts at non monogamy. @11, you really need to read this book. Your comment seemed massively insensitive. "an adult understanding that people get to make their own decisions in life" is all it takes? I doubt you have managed to maintain a loving and supportive non monogamous relationship with that attitude. People getting to make their own decisions doesn't absolve them from the responsibility to do so ethically while being mindful of the needs, rights, and feelings of all others involved.
Jun 12 commented on Savage Love.
@64, In college in our 20's is a time of experimentation which can result in some vey exciting sexual experiences. When women say they 'hit their stride in their 30's' What they often are referring to is the time when she really knows what works for her an is fully comfortable with her sexuality and asking for exactly what will rock her world, often is able to orgasm continuously, and knows how to reciprocate effectively to earn those fantastic orgasms. It's referring to the height of a woman's sexual satisfaction. The sex in the 20's is often better for him than her as she is not yet well versed in her own needs/desires. This is the age that young men in their early 20's should be so lucky to experiment with because the match-up would be near equal in term of libido and the length of the sex session(women who are able to orgasm continuously tend to want to go for hours just like men in their early 20's
Jun 11 commented on Savage Love.
@24 I'm with you! Those nasty, nappy, smelly, stupid looking, bacteria infested beards have got to go!!!
We need Dan to invent a word!!!

DIGS, I too was eager to rid myself of my virginity on the night of my high school graduation. Always a kinkster and a bit of a sex obsessed freak, I bided my time so that my sexlife would not interfere with my focus on the goal of graduating high school. I only participated in oral exchanges before accepting that diploma. The night of the graduation I ended up at a party where the parents of the host-kid provided the beer and wine coolers and took everyones' car keys at the door. I didn't have a specific boy I was after. I had been crushing on several boys in my class, and guarding my virginity until I was sure I would not ruin my educational aspiration.(I 'd correctly predicted that once I popped I wouldn't stop) as in non-stop pursuit of sexual satisfaction with many of my other priorities neglected. After 2 or three wine coolers at this graduation party, I flirted with the hottest boy at the party, and suggested that I'd like to go somewhere private. We had some of the hottest sex I've ever had. and I say this now at 38 years old and having had a VERY active and adventurous sexlife particularly in my 30's. I don't regret that decision one bit. I feel that I would have regretted not having done it since I always would have wondered how that would have gone. Throwing out conventional frigid expectations and breaking out of my shell had a positive impact on my life. Its not the worst thing in the world to be horny and know it. Not all of us can be satisfied by our own hand beyond 16 or 17 years of age. Some of us need to express ourselves sexually so as not to lose our minds.

Jun 5 commented on Savage Love.
I was married to a guy who only came with the death grip, whether he or I applied it. He wasn't always that way, He fathered 2 kids with me after all. He told me that it was years of porn addiction and frantically beating up his dick 20 or more times a day (squeezing hitting, punching it) that desensitized his dick enough that years after the kids he was unable to come from oral/vaginal/anal stimulation alone and instead required FIRM manual stimulation to finish. I think its not always just a variance in the way men were made, but rather sometimes men do need to take responsibility for numbing themselves with this type of abuse. Men do need to vary their techniques when masturbating if they want to still get enjoyment out of other forms of stimulation. Just like if I over-use a strong vibration on my clitoris, I'll be less responsive to penetration for a few hours or even days. This also goes to all you women commenting about the relative merits of clitoral vs. vaginal orgasms. They're both fantastic!I have been lucky to enjoy both quite easily, and yes, you can train yourself to come on command in either fashion, or at least I did. I even learned from my first lesbian lover how to master female ejaculation using tantric techniques. Just like with men, however, we have to remember to switch it up frequently to avoid getting in a rut where we become nearly completely insensitive to any but one style of stimulation to get off.
May 31 commented on Savage Love.
Right @13!!! divide by 2 twice was the only math in there. Shame on @1, and @3. More adept at math? after dividing the number of times they have sex per month, (which sadly for most LTR couples is frighteningly simple math) The rest of the proposed arrangement is 1 for 1. He forfeits a chance to top if he declines to bottom, and she agrees to the same. that's not math, that's even Steven!
May 4 commented on Savage Love.
GBP should read "The Ethical Slut" a fantastic book about managing polyamorous and open relationships ethically and respectfully. Dan has recommended this handbook repeatedly,In it, the authors outline suggestions for types of arrangements between couples in alternative relationships that underscore the emotional health of all parties involved while accommodating potentially complicated differences in preferences such as the LW who only is comfortable with annonymous hook-ups and his partner who only wants to hook up with people he is familiar with. I think everyone could benefit from the wisdom that the Ethically slutty alternative relationship counselors impart in this book. It's a great book to read with one's lover to spark the healthy discussions that are so necessary when navigating a complex relationship.
Feb 27, 2013 commented on Savage Love.
Progesterone releasing iuds last 5 years, copper last 10 years @6. And I can say having experienced both, the copper one caused exessive bleeding and debilitating cramping while the progesterone releasing plastic one I have now caused my mothly period and accompanying pain to cease without putting me at risk for bloood clots or stroke like the other hormone birth control methods would have. I was happy with the Nuvaring for 6 years until I had a stroke at age 31 which may have been in part caused by the estrogen in that birth control option.
Nov 14, 2012 commented on Savage Love.
I don't know why everyone automatically assumes the woman must have body issues or hang-ups. I never had either of those but my ex going down on me often made me laugh because I was uncomfortable with him in general. I found him to be unattractive and annoying unless I was really drunk, and the giggles were a product of my embarrassment. I had to laugh to keep from crying. He should assess whether theres anything he's doing, or not doing, that is making her uncomfortable. Beard stubble is an obvious first issue to consider.-That shit either tickles or hurts, depending on how hard he buries his face in it.
Aug 11, 2011 commented on Right Wing Haters Bring Guns to Knife Fights....
@11, Thank you for clearing up the fact that 'it's not the product of "gay sex". It's the product of anal sex which is practiced more by hetero-sexuals than homosexuals.' So true! However, I've been reading Dan Savage's work for 10 years or so and I have to say the term Santorum as describing the frothy by-product of anal sex is not as 'newly coined' as some may think. He's been using the word in that application for most of the last decade.

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