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Dec 9, 2015 commented on Savage Love.
I can speak from experience about the emotional toll of sex-work. I earned quite a bit of money providing sexual services in strip clubs and at parties in my twenties. detaching and engaging in 'meta sex' was a turn-on for me. I had a really great body which I knew wouldn't last forever. It was easy to get laid in those days, but not always easy to get paid. When I did get paid for sex, it was usually a grand or two per night. I only ever engaged in activities that I enjoyed. When I walked away with the cash, I felt triumphant. Often I would have been thrilled to do these guys (frequently professional athletes) for free. But the emotional toll that it took in the long run that made it unsustainable was that I started to feel badly about myself when I didn't get paid for sex. Too many experiences started to make me feel cheap and taken advantage of: Getting manipulated into doing the act first and then having the guy tell me he only had $300, or that he didn't have any money at all. Also, I typically abused alcohol, cocaine, and pills with these men and over time, dependency nearly ruined me. Admittedly, most of what caused me to feel used was my own stupidity (neglecting to settle up first, partying too much, etc.) but the stigma towards sex work also emboldened these men in their desire to treat me as though I was unworthy of respect. The illegality an stigma creates an environment that validates dehumanizing attitudes towards sex workers. The LW should watch out for that and as Dan said, take care to protect his own emotional and physical health as well as always collecting the cash before committing the act! I don't regret having done the work, I do wish I had been smarter about it. I especially wish I had put more of my earnings toward long-term savings for retirement rather than blowing so much of the money on cocaine fueled drinking binges and air fare to Las Vegas.
Dec 31, 2014 commented on Savage Love.
While I can't speak for all feminists,as a third year university student who just completed a Women and Gender Studies class that focused on implementing feminist goals and values, I must say I don't think that all feminists would equate maintenance sex with rape (though it may be that some extreme fringe opinions veer that way). I think that what most feminists would say they object to is the archaic patriarchal notion that marriage transformes a woman into her husband's property to be used and disposed of at his whim and pleasure. The idea that her wishes and opinions are null and void after nuptials and her body is an object that ought to be available for his utilization 24/7. Obviously, in this culture with our access to information and divorce, most partners would not put up with that type of attitude. Indeed in the opinion of many feminists, humanist goals are prioritized- meaning that both men and women in any type of relationship have just as much right to sexual (and other types of) agency. In practice, in a relationship of equals, maintenance sex is more likely to be merely a low impact activity; whether manual, oral, or penetrative; that is sought by one partner (sometimes the wife!) and provided as a friendly favor by the other, sometimes reluctantly at first, but often resulting in a good time being had by all. Anyone who has been married for a year or more can attest to the fact that these types of favors are crucial to the survival of a rigid institution involving monogamy.
Jul 10, 2014 commented on Savage Love.
@42 and @61, Correct me if I'm wrong but monogamish IS a form of poly. If a couple is monogamish, doesn't that imply that they are involved in a loving primary relationship while also accepting of one anthers' satellite relationships in other words, they may appear to be monogamous to the outside world although privately they have agreed to a more open arrangement. Poly doesn't necessarily mean always making love in groups of 3 or more. Polyamory literrally means many loves, that a person or couple is open minded about pursuing multiple love connections simultaneously. I think if you want monogamish, you are asking for a poly arrangement. I'm currently reading "The Ethical Slut- AGuide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures" by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy (recommended by our wise sage Dan here) and from what I gather based on my reading and Dan's previous comments on the subject, I believe there is some confusion on the subject. Is it just me?
Jul 3, 2014 commented on Savage Love.
As a former sex worker myself, I can say with sincerity that the old adage ' One doesn't pay the hooker for sex, one pays the hooker to leave' is indeed true. The client pays the hooker to gather her things and leave after sex without asking for anything else, sticking around to nag the client or harbor expectations in the future. If the LW is concerned she'll feel like a sex worker at the end of a sex session that consists of everyone avoiding eye contact, dressing and heading off in their own homes' direction uncomfortably, and never speaking to each other again, then I guess I can understand her reluctance. I think her her concerns stem from a lack of imagination and the fact that she seems to be unacquainted with the concept of the friendly, intimate and long-lasting relationship that is possible between a unicorn and her funny, attractive married couple friends. I was lucky to experience two such relationships in my younger years and found them quite rewarding. All three of us learned a great deal from one another and had many fun nights together. Its important for everyone to establish boundaries before embarking on this journey, but as Dan mentioned you all might just blend well and establish a mutually rewarding relationship of sorts. You won't feel like a hooker if you 1) don't accept payment, and 2) wait to develop a genuine connection with these people before jumping in the sack.
Jun 19, 2014 commented on Savage Love.
#10, you said:
"I wonder what POLY means when he says "I would like to have a main, fulfilling, and committed relationship without limiting myself sexually or emotionally."
I think what the LW meant is that he wants to have a committed primary relationship with an arrangement that allows him to remain open to pursue opportunities for sexual and emotional connections outside of said primary relationship. There's a really great book called "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy that details the many difficulties that Poly lifestyle can present, and offers strategies for those who are attempting to explore sex and intimacy beyond the limits of conventional monogamy, albeit without the dishonesty and feelings of betrayal that sometimes accompany attempts at non monogamy. @11, you really need to read this book. Your comment seemed massively insensitive. "an adult understanding that people get to make their own decisions in life" is all it takes? I doubt you have managed to maintain a loving and supportive non monogamous relationship with that attitude. People getting to make their own decisions doesn't absolve them from the responsibility to do so ethically while being mindful of the needs, rights, and feelings of all others involved.
Jun 12, 2014 commented on Savage Love.
@64, In college in our 20's is a time of experimentation which can result in some vey exciting sexual experiences. When women say they 'hit their stride in their 30's' What they often are referring to is the time when she really knows what works for her an is fully comfortable with her sexuality and asking for exactly what will rock her world, often is able to orgasm continuously, and knows how to reciprocate effectively to earn those fantastic orgasms. It's referring to the height of a woman's sexual satisfaction. The sex in the 20's is often better for him than her as she is not yet well versed in her own needs/desires. This is the age that young men in their early 20's should be so lucky to experiment with because the match-up would be near equal in term of libido and the length of the sex session(women who are able to orgasm continuously tend to want to go for hours just like men in their early 20's
Jun 11, 2014 commented on Savage Love.
@24 I'm with you! Those nasty, nappy, smelly, stupid looking, bacteria infested beards have got to go!!!
We need Dan to invent a word!!!

DIGS, I too was eager to rid myself of my virginity on the night of my high school graduation. Always a kinkster and a bit of a sex obsessed freak, I bided my time so that my sexlife would not interfere with my focus on the goal of graduating high school. I only participated in oral exchanges before accepting that diploma. The night of the graduation I ended up at a party where the parents of the host-kid provided the beer and wine coolers and took everyones' car keys at the door. I didn't have a specific boy I was after. I had been crushing on several boys in my class, and guarding my virginity until I was sure I would not ruin my educational aspiration.(I 'd correctly predicted that once I popped I wouldn't stop) as in non-stop pursuit of sexual satisfaction with many of my other priorities neglected. After 2 or three wine coolers at this graduation party, I flirted with the hottest boy at the party, and suggested that I'd like to go somewhere private. We had some of the hottest sex I've ever had. and I say this now at 38 years old and having had a VERY active and adventurous sexlife particularly in my 30's. I don't regret that decision one bit. I feel that I would have regretted not having done it since I always would have wondered how that would have gone. Throwing out conventional frigid expectations and breaking out of my shell had a positive impact on my life. Its not the worst thing in the world to be horny and know it. Not all of us can be satisfied by our own hand beyond 16 or 17 years of age. Some of us need to express ourselves sexually so as not to lose our minds.

Jun 5, 2014 commented on Savage Love.
I was married to a guy who only came with the death grip, whether he or I applied it. He wasn't always that way, He fathered 2 kids with me after all. He told me that it was years of porn addiction and frantically beating up his dick 20 or more times a day (squeezing hitting, punching it) that desensitized his dick enough that years after the kids he was unable to come from oral/vaginal/anal stimulation alone and instead required FIRM manual stimulation to finish. I think its not always just a variance in the way men were made, but rather sometimes men do need to take responsibility for numbing themselves with this type of abuse. Men do need to vary their techniques when masturbating if they want to still get enjoyment out of other forms of stimulation. Just like if I over-use a strong vibration on my clitoris, I'll be less responsive to penetration for a few hours or even days. This also goes to all you women commenting about the relative merits of clitoral vs. vaginal orgasms. They're both fantastic!I have been lucky to enjoy both quite easily, and yes, you can train yourself to come on command in either fashion, or at least I did. I even learned from my first lesbian lover how to master female ejaculation using tantric techniques. Just like with men, however, we have to remember to switch it up frequently to avoid getting in a rut where we become nearly completely insensitive to any but one style of stimulation to get off.
May 31, 2014 commented on Savage Love.
Right @13!!! divide by 2 twice was the only math in there. Shame on @1, and @3. More adept at math? after dividing the number of times they have sex per month, (which sadly for most LTR couples is frighteningly simple math) The rest of the proposed arrangement is 1 for 1. He forfeits a chance to top if he declines to bottom, and she agrees to the same. that's not math, that's even Steven!
May 4, 2014 commented on Savage Love.
GBP should read "The Ethical Slut" a fantastic book about managing polyamorous and open relationships ethically and respectfully. Dan has recommended this handbook repeatedly,In it, the authors outline suggestions for types of arrangements between couples in alternative relationships that underscore the emotional health of all parties involved while accommodating potentially complicated differences in preferences such as the LW who only is comfortable with annonymous hook-ups and his partner who only wants to hook up with people he is familiar with. I think everyone could benefit from the wisdom that the Ethically slutty alternative relationship counselors impart in this book. It's a great book to read with one's lover to spark the healthy discussions that are so necessary when navigating a complex relationship.