Achieve the Four Modernizations.

Mar 9 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
I just have to say I am human. And as a human I too project certain qualities on people whether that projection is real or accurate. I think this is what humans do. Not all projections are bad or wrong and in the very least in a romantic relationship it is a starting point. Projections are more often than not are very cultural. I have different associations with different genders and different ages different body types etc. In the past unaware I would project "mother" associations onto women, which is not a good or bad thing but has some negative consequences, and women have projected father and mother projections onto me. As one girlfriend said "you are being good daddy" etc. A gay man I know talks of his partner as "the father I never had and the brother I always wanted." Projections are a part of life and a part of living and can have positive, negative and neutral effects. I often wonder if any romantic relationship is possible at all without some degree of projection and positive association. As one matures the immature projections drop and one is able to more readily see a person. But stereotypes are collective projections that are highly cultural and toxic and is why we try to undo them. What is projected onto Jews in Nazi Germany, or any Queers during McCarthy, or African Americans etc. is an attempt to expell negative attributes of oneself onto another. But the best thing anyone of us can do to create a better world is take back our own projections especially the more generalized and toxic ones on "groups" of people.
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Mar 1 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
If you must know more details the man I dated is actually a collegue and still a friend. We occassuinally work together. The issue here is you are projecting a negative stereotype. And the fact is I was pursued which felt very good to be pursued, it felt good to be the "lovee" rather than "lover". I think the word older is very much important information because the status of age created the lover/lover phenomenon. Is enjoying being the "lovee" uncommon for gay men? NO, It happens all the fucking time! Ironically one ex-boyfriend, my longest relationship with a guy, was recently in a long term relationship with a recently divorced, older and financially better off bisexual man. My friend a gay man would readily admit that he enjoyed being cared for by this older recently divorced bisexual man. Is my friend a "gay-user- of bisexual men?" because he was the "lovee" in that relationship? Are straight women "straight male - users" because they enjoy being taken out to dinner?
Feb 28 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
OK - I don't think I can explain all the details. But for the record I don't feel I ever used anyone. In fact if I wanted to I would have just called myself gay and would have had far many more opportunities to pick the pockets of gay men. Robert Mapplethorpe's relationship with Sam Wagstaff certainly fits that description. And Mapplethorpe alternated from calling himself bisexual, mostly gay, and gay.

As far as dating bi men. I have dated 3. One was out as gay and later said he was bi again when he dated women. It was good I was 19. Later a guy who would not commit ok so he fit your stereotype and was partly out. And the third Had an open marriage - he was super cool but not out in any way. The couple approached me.

But in general most bi guys actually "pick a side" what they do is pick a community and call themselves gay or straight and then stray from that community. Today I am running into more cis gendered bi men who are out are partly out. But recently I personally have enjoyed dating bi transmen because they seem much smarter and more integrated in their sexuality and personality. The big issue with biphobia if you are out is it can be crazymaking on ones psyche. If dating men I have to constantly explain "no I actual enjoyed dating women I happen to be with a guy now. Etc. or the opposite "no the men I was with were not gay experiments."

You see there is nothing more painful for me than having people tell me I did not love the people that I loved. Apparently I have phases with women (the gay point of view usually) or have gay experiments (the straight point of view). This makes having a real conversation about my life rather impossible with some people. Today I seek out other bisexual people in general for friendship and community. Oh as far as online dating bisexual guys I seem to have gone past their age requirements.
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Feb 28 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
I also think you have a very unfair assessment. I have been out as bisexual longer than many people my age have been out as gay. At my job I was called "a liar and coward and don't deserve respect" by my employer. I explained and let it go and thought things were fine. Then on my last day of work she (a straight women) said , "it looks like our closet case is finally leaving us", most of that time I was dating a woman. When I brought my boyfriend to a class A classmate said, "he's to big of coward to come out as gay he says he bisexual". I had job interview and a gay man asked my orientation (illegal) I said I was bisexual. And he proceeded to harass me in a job interview. This list as a very very out bisexual person is very very long and has resulted in depression. I also lived with 3 different partners nothing hidden. One with a gay man who is still a friend of mine. And two with "mostly straight" women. I was out to every male partner and every female partner I was ever with. But as far as the bi guy who uses gay men one of the biggest issues with bi men is it is very difficult to be out. Gay men actually have a community. I have had 3 relationships with women that gay men actively attempted to interfer with. so I have been required to judge people on a person by person basis "can I trust this gay man? Can I trust this straight person? Etc. i
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Feb 28 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
Ven - my life simply has unfolded. I spoke to Allen Rosenthal of Northwestern and of the men he studied 3 were in long term relationships with men, 9 with women, 19 were single. As far as dating bi men. I met tons of bi men who people that were "straight" who are not out. I don't want to date a not out person. I met a few out bi guys more in the gay community who are partnered with men. But it was really not until recently that I have been meeting a lot of our bi men and largely because of the Internet. I am in an open relationship and bot I and my girlfriend get emails from "straight" men and "straight" women (aka closeted bisexual people). I don't particular want to have a relationship with a closeted person. I fully understand the need to create gay exclusive and lesbian exclusive safe spaces as well as trans safe spaces and bisexual safe spaces. It has simply taken bisexual men and women a long time to get their act together and this happened fairly recently in my area and more work needs to be done. But up until this point in history there was no place to go. Over the years I found one safe enough space that was all gay except myself, it was a therapy group so if people had judgements of me I did not hear them overtly but mostly felt supported. But it has been rare to find those spaces.
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Feb 27 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
The biggest mistake bisexual men and women make is we often think we are straight because we are attracted to the opposite gender. The biggest mistake straight people and gay people make is they think we are straight because we are attracted to the opposite gender. WE ARE NOT STRAIGHT! What I needed as a young man was to be around gay people because I was not straight, I needed gay men to support me in my journey regardless of the gender I was with. Not kick me out. I need the bisexual label respected so I can find other bisexual people. That is why it is important for people to respect the label so bisexual people can live healthier happier lives as NOT straight people.
Feb 27 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
To give you a better understanding of many bisexual people think of it like this: we are gays and lesbians who are sexually attracted and desire the opposite gender. One of my bisexual girlfriends was a blissful relationship because she was a construction worker (lesbian) and I was a great housewife (gay) and we had the hottest sex imaginable. And occasionally she had sex with a woman and occasionally I blew her best gay friend! But in general it was just us licking each others genitals.
Feb 27 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
This IS how it was. It was a wonderful thing. And the woman I was with before was not a kind loving person though we had great sex. Currently I am dating a kind loving woman. Then I was dating a kind loving man. A bi woman I know had a bad relationship with a straight man and then dated a woman and is still in that relationship. And what I am describing is NOT uncommon for bisexual people at all. I will add that I prefer dating certain gay men, bisexual women, and trans people rather than many straight women. Why? Well for one many straight women (not all) have an unconcious heteronormative expectations in regards to gender roles and will often want to implement a heteronormative problematic script which I have little interest in at all. But bisexual women are far more flexible and so was the guy I was with. I recently dated a transgender man and he was highly flexible in gender role play, for example I was financially better off than he was so I am paying for tickets, dinner etc. and it didn't hurt his male ego. Sexually he preferred to be dominant but not always, he wanted to be the man in certain areas. My current girl is femme and I am acting upon her sexually playing dominate male role but we arranged a rather simple financially independent relationship. Straight women (not all) will often be rather well "straight!" Queer people in general usually see through the paradigms of gender and can negotiate roles. And I listen to many of my straight male friends and their exhaustion because they can not negotiate these things well because in my opinion they are living out a toxic script.
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Feb 27 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
I agree with you Dan it is frustrating. My co-writer is a bisexual woman who is now engaged to a man. I asked her to do piece for my bi group and she said "I am engaged I am not feeling so bisexual lately". Which is actually real in that when I was with a woman for almost five years I wasn't feeling so bisexual I was in love with a woman. A friend who is partnered to a man for 12 years also didn't feel so bisexual (partnered to a woman for 9 before him). Then he realized he was checking out women again and came out again in the gay community. It is really like that. It is so unpredictable, spontaneous, and contextual. I can think "oh I only fall in love with women really" and then BOOM the right guy comes along. And in my group their is a gay identified man who just couldn't stop getting in bed with women. HOWEVER my female friend identifies enough as bisexual to actually come out to her fiancée, so why can't she come out to the rest of the world?
Feb 27 Hermes commented on Closeted Bisexual Complains About Bisexual Invisibility.
Marrena - that is the reason most bisexual guys stay in the closet. Because the perception is that it really means "gay". The fact is I have had romantic crushes on both and pursued them both. If I was in a relationship with a man instead of a woman right now would someone say "Oh he seems as bisexual as Elton John". I actually come off rather butch and "straight" but so do a lot of gay men, while a good friend of mine wears dresses is genderqueer femme and mostly has dated women, has a girlfriend and definately does not pass. Earlier I spoke of friend who dated both M and F he now has an awesome girlfriend and reidentified as straight. But he also received very little support as he pursued the same gender and that was a big chunk of his life. A lot of this is quality of life issues. When I dated a man at age 31 after 80% of my life was with the opposite gender I really did not feel good being ridiculed by both straight and gay people because I still called myself bisexual. It would have helped if I had the gay communities support while dating a gay man. What bewilders gay men I think is this "if you can be straight why don't you be? Why would you want to be a minority? (same gendered relationship?) well the fact is I am not straight. The relationship I was in was brief BUT felt so good to be taken care of by an older gay man, after a very tumultuous relationship with a woman. We deserve to say who we are regardless of the gender we are with. We deserve to be active in LGBT without being kicked out constantly and questioned constantly. The bisexual debates really just weakens the LGBT community. And it is very male issue. My girlfriend was in a rainbow group that supporter lesbians, bi women, trans men and women, and intersex people. Gay male groups support gay men. And bisexual men are left out unless they lie and only date the same gender.
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