Achieve the Four Modernizations.

Jan 2, 2012 giddy commented on Savage Love.
On this Bombast thing - I'm AMAZED that everyone still, even here, automatically jumps to "she has a lower libido than him, and must be a crazy bitch for being upset about his masturbating."

The handsniffing, yes... wacky.

But beyond that, it sounds like he is leaving out, or oblivious to, his roll in their sex life!

He even says "She often says she wants to have sex, but come 9:30 p.m., she's ready to get in bed and watch TV until she falls asleep."

He doesn't say: WHAT does he do or say to try and have sex with her?
Is he just presuming by her body language, or is he trying and getting rejected?

Maybe she's super passive. Sure sounds like he is.

Maybe she's getting in bed hoping he'll join her, shut the TV and jump her. Or maybe she's getting in bed depressed that there was no romance, yet again, and depressed thinking he'd rather jerk in the bathroom than seduce her when she gets home?

If she's truly too tired or too full, has he tried to have lighter dinners, or work her up as an appetizer?

Is he actually not doing anything to increase the mood after work, to lead up the them having sex?

BOMBAST, Maybe try unleashing your horniness on her every few days.

Then she won't think (or care) if you've been masturbating, if she's getting enough of your sexual outlet to not think it's going elsewhere.

Seems to me she'd only care if she's feeling undesired or neglected.

And sounds to me like Bombast is a passive guy, blaming girl. And she's passive too, and they have some shitty communication.
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Sep 15, 2011 giddy commented on Savage Love.
The reason it needs to be said to a guy (don't do it if you don't want to be a daddy), is due to guys being the ones that push for it with no protection! Guys need more reality check from the outside.

Girls are in the more vulnerable position (stereotypically speaking) -- where despite the monthly reminders of how their body works, and what the consequences of sex are, they also are at an internal war all the time that guys DON"T DEAL WITH.

Culturally bombarded by imagery and products telling you that 'pleasing the guy' is a priority (I don't think I need to point out how our culture does this)... then being pressured by the guy you like who doesn't want to wear a condom, a teenage guy with his testosterone going... while your horny too... and having to fight both the emotions and cultural messages and chemistry, to do what you know is right for your body, despite what it's telling you....

This is why girls mature faster than boys.
And why the message needs to be stated to boys in strong language... to break through the testosterone and inspire some manning-up.

Whereas you do Not need to berate girls, because they've got enough internal struggle going on on the matter. Encouragement and empowerment like Dan gave -- YES! But there's a lot of factors at play for the sexes when it comes to this, so it's not so black and white/hypocritical sounding as Avast wants to paint it.
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Aug 31, 2011 giddy commented on Savage Love.
It seems people in this thread aren't grasping the distinction of how being 'turned on by' or 'arroused by' porn, or other people, is different from the next step of following that arousal with 'fantasizing about fucking someone else' instead of actually physically engaging with your partner.

Also there seems a general idea that anyone who's upset about their partner hiding sexuality from them is insecure and jealous, as opposed to GGG and honest.

damn. Glad I'm not dating any of you.
Aug 31, 2011 giddy commented on Savage Love.
mr. 'I hate screen names', a little dark and bitter are you? Presuming everyone lies or feels they have to, is what I took issue with.
You totally ignored how I pointed out it's NOT what is thought about, but how it's channeled (acted upon).
Using porn to spice up your actual relationship is totally different than using it to get off in hidden ways, when you have a partner you could be doing it with.

It's not jealousy, not sure where you got that from.

I was pointing out that a person hiding and wanking rather than sharing their kinks with their partner, is a betrayal.
If a partner is horny, GGG, and willing to explore porn and kinks, but you don't give them the chance because you don't have the balls to communicate or figure out how to share your kinks with your partner, then yes, that's a problem, and unfair to the partner.

Some people are just insecure and jealous, yes.
But some are actually confident and capable, and rightfully pissed off when their partner hides things from them, and blames them for their OWN insecurities that make them hide things rather than find a way to share them to strengthen their mutual sex life.

Big fucking difference.
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Aug 30, 2011 giddy commented on Savage Love.
Just gotta put it out there that Dan's a little over-zealous and I think defensive on the "Everybody thinks about it" thing.

To quote: "Jealous types, please note: Your partner sometimes thinks about fucking other people, just like you sometimes think about fucking other people."

Honestly, I don't. I've got a partner I find hot and sexy for nearly a decade, and my daydreams are about what he'd do to me, and vice versa. Not intentionally... it's just what happens.

Not to say I'm not energized by the attractiveness or appeal of others, men and women alike, or being turned on by porn, but when mental push comes to shove, sexual energy gets channeled back to my partner. I'm fantasizing about him and us doing whatever things I'm inspired to think about.

Maybe I'm a freak, maybe I'm lucky, or unlucky? But I think for monogamous-minded folks, the idea of having your partner literally fantasizing about fucking others feels like a small step away from betrayal and is a big turn off.

Not porn itself mind you. Use the porn to spice up your sex life with eachother! That's honest, and hot.

But if the way the porn is used means you're taking care of your fantasies in the bathroom, leaving your interested partner in the other room with nothing, that's grounds for a major problem, and justified for the partner to get upset about.
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