Feb 21, 2015 Yael commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Come On, Snoopy.
There's no way she is going to be able to stop this behaviour just because Dan says so. She needs therapy to get over this obsession. My guess is that her husband's attempts to avoid being accused of anything make him look guiltier than he is.

I like flirting with other men. Then I tell my partner about it and it gets him all hot and bothered, knowing other men are attracted to me. The reverse also occurs. Jealous is a stupid, useless waste of time and energy. I feel very sorry for both of them, trapped in this ridiculous emotional torture of their own making.
Feb 7, 2015 Yael commented on SL Letter of the Day: The BIBFAULT in Our Stars.
I would have gotten there eventually by way of the great therapist I had, yes. And in an ideal world I would have realized how fucked up our relationship was, left him and then started sleeping around. But years of subtle emotional abuse (he didn't even intend it; it was just the bad combo of his personality and mine) wore away at my self-esteem and I didn't even see how bad it was until I got out.

I did also meet jerks - they were all part of the learning experience.

Generally speaking, I think cheating is a bad idea. But I also think that it is understandable under certain circumstances, and not just the ones I was in.
Feb 6, 2015 Yael commented on SL Letter of the Day: The BIBFAULT in Our Stars.
@13 I really thought everything else about our marriage was perfect except for the sex. We have 2 kids and had built a whole life. To end that just for sex seemed silly. I loved my husband. I thought if I just got that elsewhere, life would be perfect.

He was having an emotional affair with someone else at the precise time I finally snapped and decided to cheat. I didn't see it at the time but the timing was not coincidental. And as I met other men who treated me like I was smart and sexy and funny and interesting, I began to really see how badly my husband was treating me. I'd been so emotionally beaten down I didn't have a clue. So those few months I was cheating, our marriage just dissolved. I got more angry and depressed and he treated me worse in response to that. Thank god he caught me. I had just realized that our marriage would end, but I figured I'd wait until the youngest was in high school. He was 12 at the time, so I was going to wait 5 years. I probably wouldn't have made it. But this way was better. No slow descent; just done.

He moved in with the woman he was having the emotional affair with shortly after. I have a marvellous man. We get along pretty well now.
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Feb 5, 2015 Yael commented on SL Letter of the Day: The BIBFAULT in Our Stars.
Several years ago I was in pretty much this exact position and I finally snapped and cheated. I cheated exactly the way Dan suggests: repeatedly, looking for the right person. My husband found out and immediately demanded a divorce. He also told me I should go to sex addicts anonymous. I wrote Dan to ask if I was a sex addict. He wrote back that no, I wasn't and my husband was slut shaming me. He also told me I was absolutely wrong to cheat. So I guess he's evolved. :)

And he said that it looked like my cheating in the face of certain divorce should I be discovered was slamming my hand down on the self-destruct button. In retrospect, he was so right. The more I cheated, the more I realized that my otherwise perfect husband and relationship was far from it. I only cheated for a few months before he caught me, but by the time he did, I had come to the realization that our marriage was going to end eventually.

The cheating became dating and I stubbornly held out for someone with whom the sex was awesome. Not just pretty good, but completely awesome. I found him, and the rest of him is pretty awesome too. Now I have the passionate relationship that I actually cried myself to sleep over never being able to experience when I was still married.

Short version: Dan's right. She should cheat.
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Nov 20, 2013 Yael commented on Savage Love.
I wish someone had been saying this 20 years ago, when I was discounting the sexual incompatibility I had with what was then my otherwise-perfect boyfriend. We did have a mostly-great marriage (nothing's perfect!) for a while, and I also think Dan is right when he has said that we shouldn't say that any marriage that doesn't end in death is a failure. A lot of good came from our time together. But the sexual incompatibility didn't get easier to deal with. It just got more and more difficult and was a fundamental factor in our separation. It's depressing how many people my age say the same thing.

Listen to Dan. Don't discount the importance of sex in a relationship. Don't hang in thinking it will get better. Cut your losses and find someone who fits better, and let her do the same.
Nov 15, 2013 Yael commented on SL Letter of the Day: Over & Out.
I always was of the opinion that parents should suck up their own shit and stay together to parent their kids rather than put them through the trauma of a divorce for their own selfish needs. Perhaps that is why I didn't feel I had the right to complain about my husband's behaviour towards me. However, what I viewed as sucking it up, my eldest (a teenager) viewed as not standing up for myself, which made her very angry. Her relationship with her father became increasingly strained as she did the 'standing up' for me.

It is far too simplistic and easy to say that divorce fucks kids up. Dysfunctional parental relations, whether those are expressed through divorce or not, fucks kids up. I never did stand up for myself. Instead, I behaved in a way that Dan refers to as 'slamming my hand down on the self-destruct button', my husband found out and ended the marriage. NOW I am learning to stand up for myself again. And we are actually working very hard to parent together kindly, minimizing the effect on our children. They've all told people that divorce isn't that big a deal after all. The younger two are content and well-adjusted and now have a mother who is an independent and happy woman. The eldest is still kind of pissed off and has more shit to work through, but she had that *before* the split.

I'm so thankful that our marriage ended before my other two were old enough to truly become aware of the fucked up dynamic between my ex and I. WOS, congratulations on the divorce and the awesome new guy. I am sure you are not ignoring or forgetting your children, but you being happy *is* important to them, so don't listen to anyone telling you how selfish you are. You matter too.
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Oct 3, 2013 Yael commented on Savage Love: Fisting Fibromyalgia?.
@38 - Of course placebos can work, but generally speaking, studies are done on medications before the are approved for a particular use and these involve comparing efficacy with a placebo. If those patients taking the medication show greater improvement than the placebo, it is generally accepted that the medication actually has an effect.

There have been days where I have forgotten my Lyrica (I have to take it every 12 hours) and only when I start feeling really bad do I realize I've forgotten. I don't think a placebo effect would wear off if you've forgotten you didn't take the meds. It should just keep happily working until I realize I forgot a dose and only then I should start feeling worse.

I confess, I have no idea what you are talking about in your last paragraph.
Oct 2, 2013 Yael commented on Savage Love: Fisting Fibromyalgia?.
@30 - Your doctor is an incompetent boob. The spots only need to be pressed very lightly. If you have FMS, it feels as though you have been hit by a hammer. Fucking hurts, and not because anyone pressed hard.

The drug with a goofy name is a godsend, btw. And it isn't a painkiller of any sort, but works on nerve pain - it was developed for shingles. Seems unlikely that a fake disease would respond that way to medication. I agree with 26, painkillers are not particularly effective, sadly.

The fisting connection is ridiculous, though ...
Mar 27, 2012 Yael commented on Savage Love Episode 283.
Good advice for the new mom - patience. But @29 is right, it isn't all just the breastfeeding. Dan did kind of point that out, saying his sex life also took a dive after the baby arrived and no boobs were involved in his parenting. But for some women (ie. me) the renewed sex life can really take some time.

In my case, I breastfed for 2 years, got knocked up, breastfed for 3 years, got knocked up and then breastfed for 2 years. I was pregnant or nursing for a decade. And I pretty much had no sex drive the entire time. It started to return after the second child, which is what led to the 3rd child (condoms are not 100% effective!)

When my last child was about 4 years old, I went to my doctor and complained about my absent libido and she told me to wait until my youngest was in grade 1, and make sure to have pity sex reasonably regularly until then, because husbands still need that connection.

Grade 1 seemed a little nuts, but she had yet to steer me wrong, so I followed her advice. Sex didn't interest me at all, but I faked it about once a week for my husband. He knew I wasn't really interested and that not being interested very much distressed me and was a really good guy about it. A good, *patient* guy.

And, oh my god did my sex drive come back. Like a freight train. Like my body saved up 10 years of horniness and dropped it on me all at once. Even with 3 kids and busy lives, we are having more and more interesting sex than ever before.

With kids, you sometime have to take the long view.
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Oct 25, 2011 Yael commented on Conservative Elected Officials Release "It Gets Better" Video.
They did make an attempt, so it wasn't completely the least they could do, but it was a very close. As a Canadian, I was hoping, when I saw that the Conservatives had made an "It Gets Better" video, that John Baird would use the moment to come out publicly. (Although, I went to high school with Baird and, ironically, I don't remember him ever being bullied over being gay. I do remember him being harassed over the. fact that he was such an enormous political geek. At the age of 14, he'd stand up and pick fights at all-candidates meetings. We all thought he was nuts.)

What annoyed me about this video is that all these MPs read the same script: not a single personal story. The power in the "It Gets Better" videos is in the personal messages. It is in hearing people say "My life sucked as a teenager, and look at how great it is now." Even Baird could have done that and stayed in the closet. ("They laughed at me when I went around handing out Conservative pamphlets at recess and look at me now!")

The irony that none of these MPs said a single unscripted word is not lost on any Canadian - Prime Minister Harper is known to do his best to control every word out of his members' mouths. I can't imagine that a bunch of suits spouting platitudes is going to reach a single teenager in pain, gay or straight.
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