commented on The Worst Place On Earth
Good heavens there are some nutjobs on this thread. But I was wondering why I panic when I think about people with bodies which developed as male using female toilets. (Totally my issue, yes. But I do panic a little bit when I think about it.)
I think it's because I am a woman with relatively low strength and mobility, and I have to employ cognitive dissonance to feel safe using a public toilet. I really don't want to recognise that anyone bigger and stronger than me can just walk in and attack me, in a place from which I could not escape and where nobody would see.
All my life I have thought of ladies' toilets as safe spaces, because all other women, like me, think of the toilet as a safe space and would not violate that; and because all men were conditioned in their youth to feel horror and shame at entering ladies' toilets. Of course neither of these things are true. But opening up the idea that there is nothing to stop someone bigger and stronger than me coming into a closed-off public space does create fear and anxiety.
Rightwing political arseholes therefore have a brilliant way to whip up unifying rage and fear among women, and among some men who see themselves as women's protectors. They can 'defeat' a 'threat' which everyone can safely get worked up about, because it's nowhere near any of the real issues about attacks on women, and because the victims of their 'solution' are a much-misunderstood minority.
God I feel depressed now.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: My Best Guess
@29 - great response. The husband is talking about sex but really seems worried by the loss of connection with his wife. These do not have to be the same thing. By focusing on sex he may be demanding too much of her, so she tries to deflect. Lots of people talk about the feelings of mothers with small children that everyone wants their body all the time.
The connection can come back in other ways, especially if sex needs more energy than she can give at the moment. Sometimes all one can cope with is a fleeting and kind moment of intimacy, like an understanding smile or a kiss on the cheek.
Delving into everything is important some of the time, but other times you just need to stop making it all about you - whyyy are you having these problems? I need to understand them! Let the other person know you're there for them even if you don't understand.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Missing Condom
Good answer, Dan. But is there something else, about her having a level of trust in this guy that wasn't a good fit? What happens going forward - how can one to learn to trust/distrust people the right amount for casual hookups?
Pedantry corner - you can't usually see whether or not a condom is on when someone is penetrating you. You can check with your hand, of course, but again, you'd have to not fully trust the person.
commented on Advice Cop: Prudie Blow a Tiny Dick...
Strap ons are all very well, but it is really about confidence. I would always have said I couldn't cope with a micropenis, but I dated a guy who had one which didn't even function properly, and had a marvellous time. He was genuinely OK with it and genuinely into tongues, fingers and everything else. He got so much pleasure from sex, and from being with women, that it was all great fun, and on the rare occasions that I managed to make him ejaculate I felt like I had won the World Cup. A man who can communicate that he finds you immensely sexy, and doesn't have anxieties around sex, won't have trouble. And if it's a question of 'fake it till you make it', why not?
commented on SL Letter of the Day: The Big Finish
Do you think she makes these subtle attempts to 'cure him' of things she doesn't approve of in other areas of the relationship? I have those tendencies, and this letter was a wake up call to look out for when I'm being insane and knock it the f*ck off.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Sample Sizes
She's in her early 20s, which could mean she has a little way to go in learning how to have orgasms. Dan could also have recommended she spend more time learning more ways to get herself off and passing that knowledge on to her boyfriend.
But yes, @30 has it right - the boyfriend sounds like he doesn't care about getting her off and never has. There are plenty of men whose sexual satisfaction is locked into making a woman come. Why not try one of those? They're not all that hard to find.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Plan Ahead and Plan B
@7 - I wonder whether she added the bit about waiting for Dan's decision to get Plan B to be sure of a response. The rest of it seems more convincing. It's a really annoying issue - have too much fun, and suddenly the evening gets a lot more stressful. I guess female condoms would solve the problem?
commented on Savage Love
Jeebus, I am amazed at the number of people being pro-IUDs, despite experiencing what sounds like horrendous insertion processes and side effects. Why would anyone put up with that unless they are in a long term relationship where condoms are not also needed?
Condoms (male and female) are great if you're not in a settled relationship, and how about not defaulting to PIV? Any kind of hormonal or inserted birth control has problems, and they need trying out to find which suits an individual. Committing to one which will last years before becoming sexually active sounds like taking on an extraordinary burden.
The morning after pill is available very easily where I am, and although it's not to be abused, on the rare occasions where condoms have come off it has been a simple and easy solution.