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Jun 8 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
TINY needs to have a very serious conversation with his fiancée. It should be possible for him to explain that his kink and his earlier anxieties are two sides of the same coin. But he has to say he's just putting his cards on the table, and has zero expectations of her. If she doesn't want to engage with his kink, no problem. If she's happy for him to outsource it, great. If not, also no problem - he'll content himself with fantasy and the occasional website (not camming, if she's not happy with outsourcing). And an enormous apology for not being honest with himself earlier.

All this assumes TINY can be happy if his fiancée doesn't want to be involved with his kink, and doesn't want him to outsource it. He needs to do some very clear thinking before the big conversation. He should not be marrying her if he needs to make their marriage all about his penis, because she's probably pretty tired of that already.
May 24 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
@4: yes, indeed. But it's hard to tell from the letter whether the LW's friends are assholes, or whether Dan's snark is justified and the LW is a snob. Having cis het male friends doesn't mean having to put up with being talked over or patronised - if most of the boyfriend's friends are like that, the LW has an asshole problem (and perhaps a boyfriend problem).

On the other hand, I side-eye the LW's implication that the women freeze her out because she loves equality so much. Could it be that the ladies see she's making unfounded assumptions about them, and resent it? Been there, on both sides. Making a bit more of an effort would be advisable before she gives up completely.
May 11 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
LW1 wants the kind of sex you have to put imagination and effort into, or he doesn't want any. He clearly isn't as tired as his wife. Fix that first - arrange things so that she's less tired and you're more tired - and see whether things improve.

But don't be so daft as to continue married without having sex, when you have a choice. The physical intimacy you get from sex is vital for helping you get through the rest of life without wanting to tear each other's heads off.

Alternatively, maybe having vanilla sex with his wife is an awful experience for LW1, rather than just boring. In which case the marriage has serious problems, and it needs to be opened or ended kindly and respectfully.
May 3 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
Accidental buttsecks happens to me quite a lot, but never for so long or with so much force that it hurts. Using a buttplug could be avoided by the boyfriend learning better control. Or avoiding that position. If the LW's boyfriend has been telling her these two other options aren't feasible, I'd move straight to the thumbtack.
May 3 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Soft Serve.
Adding my voice to the chorus saying, 'arrgghh, no, do not mention jerking off'. Don't create that image of you in her head. Just keep it sweet and explain you were so delighted to be with her that it made you a little nervous. Ask for another date soon. This happens all the time (at least, in my experience) and it's unlikely to be a problem.
Feb 2 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Crying Game.
This is an awful situation. By stating that the nine month old baby in the house is competition for his fetish, the husband is revealing, as others have said, that this is not just a sexytimes thing. This seems to be about wanting to ditch all responsibility and be the baby. I can't imagine much worse from a partner when there are three children needing care.

Pursue divorce with him taking custody of the older children? Sounds like a practical solution, but would he accept that, given his apparent desire to avoid caring responsibilities? If he earns a lot of money, accepting custody and plenty of cash could be sensible, particularly if that cash is enough to cover a lot of professional childcare. But if vast sums of money aren't there it would be tough at first. Accept an open marriage? That could quickly become a resentful, toxic setup, particularly if he's off with various mommies while she can't date because childcare. I think Dan's advice is the least worst option - pursue a divorce which at least supports the LW's financial interests, and gives her the chance of finding someone equally lovable who doesn't bring all this hassle to the relationship.
Jan 30 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sexless, Nearly Sexless, and Formerly Sexless Marriages, Ad Infinitum.
CIBC's partner seems to be under the mistaken impression that sex can only happen when he has a boner. She should do her best to correct that. They may find that if she's getting more fun times in the evenings, she'll be keener on morning sex. My hubby and I are on similarly incompatible cycles, but if he keeps me happy in the evening, I'm more revved up in the morning to cater to his needs.
Jan 29 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Debt and the Maiden.
The poll, while an excellent idea, is rather unbalanced. Being cheated on financially has a large material impact as well as the loss of trust. A better comparison would be being cheated on without protection and catching a serious STD.
Jan 27 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Another Sexless Marriage Question.
BDF@10 is so right. The only thing holding LW1 back appears to be a fear of being judged by his wife. Why, when she is treating him unfairly? All he's got to say is that he doesn't want a divorce, but he will get his sexual needs met if she's not willing to. Write her a letter if she won't talk about it. Yes, divorce could result if the wife decides she doesn't want to stay in the marriage on those terms. But the LW is doing his best to get his needs met and stay in the marriage - he's not the bad guy.

If the LW decides to cheat - have sex with someone else without telling his wife it's likely - then he loses the moral high ground.

I'd love to know if any divorce lawyers have seen cases where one partner opens the marriage rather than cheating, and gets a better settlement as a result.
Jan 23 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Who's Your Survey Monkey? I'm Your Survey Monkey!.
Squidgie@40: excellent analogy. As a haver of both types of physical pain, this helps explain why I chose B. Acute injury pain has an end point; once it happens you can take action to treat it; and you generally get more sympathy from society. Chronic pain grows, and you have little control over it.

Where the analogy falls down is that with option B you might look back and recast your happy life as a flawed one, but one doesn't necessarily have to react that way.