misspiggy
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Feb 2 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Crying Game.
This is an awful situation. By stating that the nine month old baby in the house is competition for his fetish, the husband is revealing, as others have said, that this is not just a sexytimes thing. This seems to be about wanting to ditch all responsibility and be the baby. I can't imagine much worse from a partner when there are three children needing care.

Pursue divorce with him taking custody of the older children? Sounds like a practical solution, but would he accept that, given his apparent desire to avoid caring responsibilities? If he earns a lot of money, accepting custody and plenty of cash could be sensible, particularly if that cash is enough to cover a lot of professional childcare. But if vast sums of money aren't there it would be tough at first. Accept an open marriage? That could quickly become a resentful, toxic setup, particularly if he's off with various mommies while she can't date because childcare. I think Dan's advice is the least worst option - pursue a divorce which at least supports the LW's financial interests, and gives her the chance of finding someone equally lovable who doesn't bring all this hassle to the relationship.
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Jan 30 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sexless, Nearly Sexless, and Formerly Sexless Marriages, Ad Infinitum.
CIBC's partner seems to be under the mistaken impression that sex can only happen when he has a boner. She should do her best to correct that. They may find that if she's getting more fun times in the evenings, she'll be keener on morning sex. My hubby and I are on similarly incompatible cycles, but if he keeps me happy in the evening, I'm more revved up in the morning to cater to his needs.
Jan 29 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Debt and the Maiden.
The poll, while an excellent idea, is rather unbalanced. Being cheated on financially has a large material impact as well as the loss of trust. A better comparison would be being cheated on without protection and catching a serious STD.
Jan 27 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Another Sexless Marriage Question.
BDF@10 is so right. The only thing holding LW1 back appears to be a fear of being judged by his wife. Why, when she is treating him unfairly? All he's got to say is that he doesn't want a divorce, but he will get his sexual needs met if she's not willing to. Write her a letter if she won't talk about it. Yes, divorce could result if the wife decides she doesn't want to stay in the marriage on those terms. But the LW is doing his best to get his needs met and stay in the marriage - he's not the bad guy.

If the LW decides to cheat - have sex with someone else without telling his wife it's likely - then he loses the moral high ground.

I'd love to know if any divorce lawyers have seen cases where one partner opens the marriage rather than cheating, and gets a better settlement as a result.
Jan 23 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Who's Your Survey Monkey? I'm Your Survey Monkey!.
Squidgie@40: excellent analogy. As a haver of both types of physical pain, this helps explain why I chose B. Acute injury pain has an end point; once it happens you can take action to treat it; and you generally get more sympathy from society. Chronic pain grows, and you have little control over it.

Where the analogy falls down is that with option B you might look back and recast your happy life as a flawed one, but one doesn't necessarily have to react that way.
Jan 18 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: I Wanna Fuck This Guy I Work With—Should I Do It?.
What an interesting discussion. I don't think Dan is a misogynist, although it's possible Dan is missing out on some heterosexual power dynamics. But so what? Every advice columnist brings their own perspective, and none of them represent the One True Way.

A few years ago Dan might have told this LW to DTMFA, or rather Dump The Nice But Incompatible Partner Already. Now Dan seems to be giving the go ahead to cheat in more of these situations. What's the reason for the change, Dan? That would make a fascinating column.

It's interesting (and great) that most of the commentariat isn't bothered by moral issues so much as the life consequences of cheating. Should an advice columnist be required to state in big flashing letters You Will Get Fired, Dummy, or is it OK to assume that LWs are bright enough to work these things out for themselves?
Jan 16 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: I Wanna Fuck This Guy I Work With—Should I Do It?.
Dan maybe should have asked the LW more forcefully why 'I wanna' is so loud at the moment. If she forces herself to reflect honestly, it's likely to be for one of these reasons: 1) the LW has never had this type of connection before and realises she wants it to be the basis of a relationship. If yes, get out of both relationships and seek someone who offers that level of connection and is single. 2) the LW is sick of monogamy and wants to force the relationship openwards. If yes, have the conversation, and open up or say goodbye. Don't screw this guy though, because you work with him. 3) she does genuinely want the status quo to remain, but has never had to deal with temptation before. Answer: cut off all but essential professional contact with the tempter, and tell the partner about being tempted.
Jan 12 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Same Old Question, Different Kind of Response.
Wow, Plural, that video is such an excellent response to this LW, and to many of the problems that Dan addresses. Seems like the solution to LW's problem is going to require lot of openness and change, if the relationship is to survive.
Jan 7 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: An Alternate PENSIVE Theory.
Great insight. It suggests the LW should look for someone like me - I appreciate a man getting so turned on that he drops all interest in pleasing someone else and just takes what he wants. Terribly unreconstructed, and I'd probably change my tune if I often experienced inattention in the bedroom. So maybe the LW needs to find women who have got sick of his previous approach? Exes maybe?
Jan 6 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sizing the Asshole.
The only assholishness was around waiting to hear that SE returned his feelings before breaking up with LDR. If the LW had broken off the engagement as soon as he met SE, he would be in the clear.