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Jun 28, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Old Dirty Pics Piss Off Sex-Starved Spouse.
One more thought. My husband gets upset that he is making my pain worse by having sex with me. Possibly some deep-rooted gender stuff going on. I have to keep reminding him that I am making my pain worse by having sex with him. It's not his responsibility. I will not give up intimacy and pleasure just because I'm going to be tortured for it later. That's my choice. To feel that he's doing something bad to me is denying my agency.

Also, this kind of illness is degenerative, and it can seem that nobody is able to help. But (in my case) you can get treatment and make changes which massively improve one's quality of life. If this is at all an option for NHS's wife, this is going to be a vital direction to pursue, in addition to everything else.
Jun 28, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Old Dirty Pics Piss Off Sex-Starved Spouse.
I think I have the same condition as the wife, or one very similar. And yes @16, bizarrely missionary is the only comfortable position. Bodies are weird. I really hope the LW reads the comments, because I want to plead with him to take a moment and grieve for all the things that are making his and her life so hard. And then hopefully bring his head up and decide to take the best out of what is in front of him.

Someone else I know with this condition said that you can't just take joy in the easy moments. When so much of life is pain, fatigue and unpredictable failure, there won't be enough easy moments to make your time together bearable. You have to do your best to take joy in everything.

It would also be useful to make things more honest and more fun, or everything will just be a grind. I can't tell the LW how to do this in the context of his relationship, but acknowledging how painful it is to constantly see a loved one suffer may be the first step. I know my husband resents me at times for causing him so much mental pain in witnessing my physical pain. But all we can do is face it, name it and choose to move through it together, appreciating how much love there must be for him to stay.

If you can no longer bear it, don't stay, or take a break - but do everything you can not to let this situation turn you bitter against your partner. If you can manage that, I think the sex will become wonderful again. Opening the relationship may be a practical stopgap, but it won't heal the situation on its own and could make things worse, if that's all that changes.
Jun 22, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
Isn't the key to Spike's situation that his coworkers know his name is related to a fetish? If Spike had kept quiet about being a puppy and just presented coworkers with a new name, there would be no issue. But that's not what happened. If the married woman changed her name and explained it was also her slave name, everyone in the office would recoil because TMI.

But if someone changed gender identity and launched a new name, it would be wrong not to honour that name. Neither puppy play nor BDSM nor gender transition are necessarily about sex acts, so that's not the source of the squickiness. What is making me go 'eww, no,' about calling someone Spike 'cos he's a puppy, compared with him just changing his name and leaving his coworkers in blissful ignorance?
Jun 22, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Target Engaged.
I think Corydon @5 and EricaP@15 have it. As far as the mortgage payment goes, can't they set up a legal agreement setting out their rights? This is normal in the UK if people aren't married. They need to be clear whether she would pay rent to him, or whether she would be purchasing a proportion of the property's value, that he would buy back if he kicked her out (in either case, she'd probably develop tenant's rights just by living there a while).

If he's willing to involve her in a property that he is buying, and has thought through the implications, that is a much bigger commitment than getting engaged. She may want to reflect on that.
Jun 21, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: New Father Wants a Threesome Right Now.
In a year or so, when the wife comes out of the fog of exhaustion and upheaval of new motherhood and thinks for a minute about what just happened, she is going to be seriously pissed off.

Pre-empt that now, FATHER, by apologising to her in the most grovelling way possible. Explain that the pressures of new fatherhood may have brought on a ridiculous attack of age-related panic. But you've woken up and you feel like an idiot. Say that although you would still like a threesome at some point, she and your baby are more important than anything and you can't believe you came close to jeopardising her security in this new family.

If you can't make a heartfelt commitment to those statements, get some counselling, or some sleep, and think about the dead marriage or bitter divorce that are now much bigger possibilities.
Jun 8, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
TINY needs to have a very serious conversation with his fiancée. It should be possible for him to explain that his kink and his earlier anxieties are two sides of the same coin. But he has to say he's just putting his cards on the table, and has zero expectations of her. If she doesn't want to engage with his kink, no problem. If she's happy for him to outsource it, great. If not, also no problem - he'll content himself with fantasy and the occasional website (not camming, if she's not happy with outsourcing). And an enormous apology for not being honest with himself earlier.

All this assumes TINY can be happy if his fiancée doesn't want to be involved with his kink, and doesn't want him to outsource it. He needs to do some very clear thinking before the big conversation. He should not be marrying her if he needs to make their marriage all about his penis, because she's probably pretty tired of that already.
May 24, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
@4: yes, indeed. But it's hard to tell from the letter whether the LW's friends are assholes, or whether Dan's snark is justified and the LW is a snob. Having cis het male friends doesn't mean having to put up with being talked over or patronised - if most of the boyfriend's friends are like that, the LW has an asshole problem (and perhaps a boyfriend problem).

On the other hand, I side-eye the LW's implication that the women freeze her out because she loves equality so much. Could it be that the ladies see she's making unfounded assumptions about them, and resent it? Been there, on both sides. Making a bit more of an effort would be advisable before she gives up completely.
May 11, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
LW1 wants the kind of sex you have to put imagination and effort into, or he doesn't want any. He clearly isn't as tired as his wife. Fix that first - arrange things so that she's less tired and you're more tired - and see whether things improve.

But don't be so daft as to continue married without having sex, when you have a choice. The physical intimacy you get from sex is vital for helping you get through the rest of life without wanting to tear each other's heads off.

Alternatively, maybe having vanilla sex with his wife is an awful experience for LW1, rather than just boring. In which case the marriage has serious problems, and it needs to be opened or ended kindly and respectfully.
May 3, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love.
Accidental buttsecks happens to me quite a lot, but never for so long or with so much force that it hurts. Using a buttplug could be avoided by the boyfriend learning better control. Or avoiding that position. If the LW's boyfriend has been telling her these two other options aren't feasible, I'd move straight to the thumbtack.
May 3, 2016 misspiggy commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Soft Serve.
Adding my voice to the chorus saying, 'arrgghh, no, do not mention jerking off'. Don't create that image of you in her head. Just keep it sweet and explain you were so delighted to be with her that it made you a little nervous. Ask for another date soon. This happens all the time (at least, in my experience) and it's unlikely to be a problem.