balderdash
Austin
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balderdash has to maintain a solid record of terrible, useless comments. Consistency is professionalism!
Aug 5, 2015 balderdash commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Shitty GF #2.
I just came in here to say what @2 said. "In fact, I fell in love with her the moment I set eyes on her." You're 36, man. Slow your roll a little. Get to know someone before you pledge them your heart forever.

Look, I'm comfortable predicting that until you learn how to date people without immediately staking the rest of your life's happiness on a successful relationship with them, you're going to continue to find yourself in these bad places. Dating isn't the process of finding one decent person amidst all the human trash heaps, it's the process of trying out decent people until you find one that you're actually compatible with. It takes more than a decent person to make a relationship work. Slow down. Love at first sight is for teenagers.
Aug 1, 2015 balderdash commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Fully Weaponized Kink.
Ugh, what a fucking trainwreck. Glad you're finally out of there, LW.

You made a few mistakes, but he was the bad one here. Don't get hung up on it or take the blame. Just work on moving on and do your best to keep this guy out of your life while still doing your best for your kids. I'm sorry you had to go through this, but you're going to be okay.

And if you fight for your kids, don't feel bad about that either. This guy clearly has no goddamn personal boundaries or respect.
Jul 29, 2015 balderdash commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping.
Nope, not budging from my position that this is an ordinary kind of human screw-up, especially since your upset over it brings it into the spotlight. People make dumb, self-serving mistakes, and that is just how life is.
Jul 26, 2015 balderdash commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping.
Aw yiss, propelled this motherfucker to #1 most commented.
Jul 25, 2015 balderdash commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping.
@44 We do not have transcripts of their conversations. We only have what CETI reported about her expectations and feelings. I am generally assuming that everyone involved was attempting to act in good faith and made mistakes. If anyone - as you suggest, the boyfriend - was simply willfully breaking clearly stated rules, then what is there for Dan to answer? Why write in at all? I'm not answering the hypothetical in which the boyfriend is a colossal dick, because plenty of people have already said DTMFA and I don't really need to repeat it. This situation reads to me like they came away from their conversation about boundaries and "making out" with very different impressions of what was allowed.
Jul 25, 2015 balderdash commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping.
@41, granted, and I may be underemphasizing the boyfriend's insensitivity and, at best, wishful thinking in my effort to present a perspective that isn't exclusively focused on those failings.
Jul 25, 2015 balderdash commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping.
@32, sorry, I don't mean to pick on you, but I also have to ask if you've ever had anyone walk out on you because their partner demanded it. It's not a good feeling. It's dehumanizing. You, and a lot of others, assume the boyfriend stayed and finished with the other girl purely out of his own cock-forward selfishness, but up and ditching someone in the middle of an encounter so you can go pay attention to someone else is in its own way at least as cruel and selfish as making the girlfriend wait a little while to talk. Assuming he only stayed to get himself off is either objectifying the other woman in exactly the way I was warning about, or, at best, assuming some pretty ugly things about the boyfriend's character and mental state.
Jul 25, 2015 balderdash commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping.
@32, @34, yes, spoken like a man, but one who has more experience being in CETI's position than the boyfriend's. I try to speak from my own mistakes.

And if you take a look at what I said, @32, I deliberately did not blame anyone for either person's actions once the situation had already become become complicated and there was no way out of it without hurt feelings. Again, my primary point was that the failure here was one of communication, and focusing on that, rather than on the fallout after it, is the best way forward for all concerned.
Jul 25, 2015 balderdash commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Gone Camping.
This situation seems to me like it went to a really damaging place, and put the boyfriend in a really shitty no-win position, because of poorly-formulated rules. That doesn't mean he's completely exculpated, but it does mean that by the time the shit hit the fan he didn't have a way out and I don't think continuing with the other woman was really the offense here.

Here's the thing: that other woman? She is not an object or a concept. She does not represent some abstraction of him breaking the rules; she's a person. She has a right to expect decent treatment and decent treatment does not include coitus interruptus because you walked up and couldn't respect their privacy. You will never have healthy open relationships if you can't accept that your partner's relationships with other people are real too. Even swingers with strict no-romance rules have to respect friendships and the basic human dignity of the other people they interact with.

Yes, your boyfriend broke the rules. His real infraction was not talking to you about his desires and expectations up front, and taking your limited permission and extending it in his mind, perhaps unconsciously, to include stuff he wanted to do but probably wasn't comfortable talking to you about. He's gonna have to get over that, or this is never going to work. But do try to keep your focus on that, too. Don't fixate on uncomfortable mental images. Don't fixate on the specifics of his behavior once he was already in a no-win situation and trying to make the best of it.

I'm sorry you had to go through this, CETI. It does suck. It hurts, and awkward sex-related feelings can touch off really deep, distressing reactions of disgust and betrayal. For your own sake, though, try as hard as you can not to get wrapped up in those. You can ask your boyfriend for validation and comfort regarding the feelings you're struggling with, but when it comes to negotiation, and to making the decision of whether or not you can stay together, remember that the problem here was a lack of communication. As the partner who was actively engaging in activities with someone else, the onus for that does fall somewhat more on him, but you also cannot reasonably expect him to respect boundaries that you don't make clear to him, or to attend to needs you haven't asked him for. Y'all have got to get comfortable talking in as much detail as is necessary to establish boundaries that work for you both, and you have got to make sure that you either voice any expectations you have of your partner, or be prepared to accept that if you don't, they will not always meet your expectations. In this case, unless you discussed in advance that you wanted to spend the whole weekend together, it is reasonable to expect that you're both adults and quite capable of entertaining yourselves; his "ignoring" you on Saturday could very easily have been avoided had you brought it up earlier, or even at the time, instead of waiting to pick a fight about it on Sunday.

You'll have a lot easier time getting over this if you look at it as a misstep during the learning period of your newly open relationship, rather than as a sin against you that rests on some deep character flaw in your boyfriend. Even if he did wrong, you can still choose how you react to it, and it'll be better for you in the long run if you choose a way that leaves you less angry and hurt, no matter how it goes between you and him.

Good luck.
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May 18, 2015 balderdash commented on SL Letter of the Day: Squirt Toys Incorporated.
Oh, yeah, and OMFG? You're a true American hero and I hope this worked out for you, but come on, man, it's been four years! Why isn't this on the market yet?