May 8
IPJ commented on Savage Love.
TSTQ: I type this as someone who married younger than you (though after a lot more time together), is still happily married decades later, and believes in marriage both in the social/legal sense and as a personal commitment. I believe the vows mean something and obligate you to try and work on things.
Leave. The marriage has been lousy from the start, and you just don't have enough positive time together--first few months of starlight and butterflies are not sustainable, even in the happiest most supportive relationship. If you'd been married 10 years to that great guy you saw the first few months, and he had an abrupt personality change AND was willing to work with you, I'd be advising you to get him to a doctor. Because he was still working with you enough to agree to do that AND because you knew what "normal" was for him. There is every likelihood that what you are seeing in your recent husband is normal for him. Biochemical imbalance or random jerkdom, you don't have enough history with him to give him the benefit of throwing yourself at a brick wall for more months and years.
More...
Leave. The marriage has been lousy from the start, and you just don't have enough positive time together--first few months of starlight and butterflies are not sustainable, even in the happiest most supportive relationship. If you'd been married 10 years to that great guy you saw the first few months, and he had an abrupt personality change AND was willing to work with you, I'd be advising you to get him to a doctor. Because he was still working with you enough to agree to do that AND because you knew what "normal" was for him. There is every likelihood that what you are seeing in your recent husband is normal for him. Biochemical imbalance or random jerkdom, you don't have enough history with him to give him the benefit of throwing yourself at a brick wall for more months and years.
May 7
IPJ commented on Savage Love.
TSTQ, consider seeing that marriage counselor on your own. It may be just the third party advice you need to clarify your situation.
Also, picture that the way it is now in your marriage is the way it will be. If it's like this in another 5 months, in a year, in 3 years, what will you have gained? Leave now. I agree with Dan: he wants out and is too cowardly to do it, so he's taking the "behave crappily until partner breaks up with me" way. Which is always bad, but especially horrible if you got the partner to marry you first.
Also, picture that the way it is now in your marriage is the way it will be. If it's like this in another 5 months, in a year, in 3 years, what will you have gained? Leave now. I agree with Dan: he wants out and is too cowardly to do it, so he's taking the "behave crappily until partner breaks up with me" way. Which is always bad, but especially horrible if you got the partner to marry you first.
May 7
IPJ commented on SL Letter of the Day: What Kind of Straight Guys Watch Gay Porn?.
In ye olden tymes, either before lesbians were as fetishized for straight guys or before it was mainstream enough for me to notice it, I found the idea thoroughly confusing: Here are two women who have no use at all for you or your dick, so what's the attraction? (Gay porn does nothing for me on the same grounds, though I'm perfectly willing to allow that sexuality is complicated and its the hottest porn out there for Kate.)
Note: 15 has a good post following up on the idea of physical vs psychological arousal in women and post 2. Worth clicking.
Note: 15 has a good post following up on the idea of physical vs psychological arousal in women and post 2. Worth clicking.
May 7
IPJ commented on SL Letter of the Day: What Kind of Straight Guys Watch Gay Porn?.
I think Dan is missing the degree to which women may put themselves into the depiction of the beautiful and desirable woman onscreen, whether that's lesbian porn (which these straight women know straight men, their target, find really hot) or an underwear ad. It's both how we're socialized and probably linked to some hardwiring as well. (e.g. It's erotic to be looked at, rather than to look. Yes yes, actual life not nearly so simple or linear.)
I think people can have fantasies (including porn scenarios, whether visual or written) that they wouldn't want to enact in real life. It's probably healthy and a sign of a good erotic imagination. Like a pirate scenario may be your favorite at the moment, but any attempt at real-life re-enactment would feel hopelessly cheesy and anti-erotic.
I think people can have fantasies (including porn scenarios, whether visual or written) that they wouldn't want to enact in real life. It's probably healthy and a sign of a good erotic imagination. Like a pirate scenario may be your favorite at the moment, but any attempt at real-life re-enactment would feel hopelessly cheesy and anti-erotic.
Apr 25
IPJ commented on Savage Love.
Kids 15, 16, 17 can be having sex with no huge consequences. Sometimes, and dependent on kid, circumstances, and luck. Because kids this age can give meaningful consent to sex with their age mates (if not their spiritual advisors or step-fathers), I think laws and social attitudes should reflect this.
On the other hand, there is something really off about a 16 year old asking, "Mom, can I stay out late on Friday and rent an R-rated movie? And then have a three-way?" Adulthood is a combination of time plowed through, brain development, and experience making and abiding by your own decisions. I am a strong advocate of the idea that 18 year olds who have finished high school should expect to act as and be considered adults--you bear the consequences of your decisions, and neither parents nor society should bail you out because you're just a widdle kiddie when it pleases you to be. And I think people make better decisions about sex when they're older--that even people who were careful, responsible 16 year olds would look back and agree they made more mature decisions at 19 or 20. The pre-18 years have too much not-really-responsible-for-yourself built in to expect fully adult behavior, on top of the brain development issues.
Sex can result in babies... but not if you're gay. Sex can result in STDs... but not if you're both genuine virgins. So set those aside, and I still think the emotional consequences of sex (for yourself and partners) are a big thing, and better handled with more maturity. A while back there was a letter from a girl of 17 or so, who'd had sex with her deeply troubled friend. (Friend's home life falling apart.) And afterward the friend was ecstatic, they had this special wonderful bond between them and it was all going to be wonderful from here forward, and the letter writer just felt awful. About the sex, the friendship, everything. Even though everything was consensual, she was too young to have a good sense of her boundaries, how to navigate them, how this would affect both of them after, and a dozen other things she might have navigated a little better if she were 19 or so instead.
I think it makes sense to assume that some 16 year olds are having sex, and not freak out about it. But I also think there are strong reasons to treat 18 as a more logical age (the age of first intercourse has in fact been going up) and have 18 or 19 be the norm, pulling up the lower half of the bell curve with it. And if you decide you're mature enough at under 18, work out the details without involving anyone but your partner. Like a grown-up. (With birth control caveat, since reality says we don't live in a world where that's readily and discreetly available to everyone.)
More...
On the other hand, there is something really off about a 16 year old asking, "Mom, can I stay out late on Friday and rent an R-rated movie? And then have a three-way?" Adulthood is a combination of time plowed through, brain development, and experience making and abiding by your own decisions. I am a strong advocate of the idea that 18 year olds who have finished high school should expect to act as and be considered adults--you bear the consequences of your decisions, and neither parents nor society should bail you out because you're just a widdle kiddie when it pleases you to be. And I think people make better decisions about sex when they're older--that even people who were careful, responsible 16 year olds would look back and agree they made more mature decisions at 19 or 20. The pre-18 years have too much not-really-responsible-for-yourself built in to expect fully adult behavior, on top of the brain development issues.
Sex can result in babies... but not if you're gay. Sex can result in STDs... but not if you're both genuine virgins. So set those aside, and I still think the emotional consequences of sex (for yourself and partners) are a big thing, and better handled with more maturity. A while back there was a letter from a girl of 17 or so, who'd had sex with her deeply troubled friend. (Friend's home life falling apart.) And afterward the friend was ecstatic, they had this special wonderful bond between them and it was all going to be wonderful from here forward, and the letter writer just felt awful. About the sex, the friendship, everything. Even though everything was consensual, she was too young to have a good sense of her boundaries, how to navigate them, how this would affect both of them after, and a dozen other things she might have navigated a little better if she were 19 or so instead.
I think it makes sense to assume that some 16 year olds are having sex, and not freak out about it. But I also think there are strong reasons to treat 18 as a more logical age (the age of first intercourse has in fact been going up) and have 18 or 19 be the norm, pulling up the lower half of the bell curve with it. And if you decide you're mature enough at under 18, work out the details without involving anyone but your partner. Like a grown-up. (With birth control caveat, since reality says we don't live in a world where that's readily and discreetly available to everyone.)
Apr 25
IPJ commented on Savage Love.
I'm glad a few people pointed out that it is physically possible to have sex during the hours of daylight. However, I think that's a reason for kids to discreetly have sex at home in the afternoon, if they're going to, rather than asking their parents to help arrange the sleepover.
I want to point out that *some* kids will have sex. Not all kids. Just like not all kids will drink, use drugs, or eat chocolate-covered bacon. It's dumb to assume that all the kids you know personally are the ones not doing any of those things, but it's wildly frustrating to have someone announce "You may not think you're going to do X, but I know you young people!!! You're totally going to do it! In exactly this one way, the one I did! So let you me tell ya what..." That's not really a helpful conversation. Or a conversation.
For me, the correct parental attitude hits something like: 1) Provide information, be willing to provide birth control; 2) Act like 18 and living out of your house is a logical time to consider sex. Mostly due to emotional consequences, their own and their partners', and allowing a little more maturing so people are better with empathy and enforcing/respecting boundaries.
More...
I want to point out that *some* kids will have sex. Not all kids. Just like not all kids will drink, use drugs, or eat chocolate-covered bacon. It's dumb to assume that all the kids you know personally are the ones not doing any of those things, but it's wildly frustrating to have someone announce "You may not think you're going to do X, but I know you young people!!! You're totally going to do it! In exactly this one way, the one I did! So let you me tell ya what..." That's not really a helpful conversation. Or a conversation.
For me, the correct parental attitude hits something like: 1) Provide information, be willing to provide birth control; 2) Act like 18 and living out of your house is a logical time to consider sex. Mostly due to emotional consequences, their own and their partners', and allowing a little more maturing so people are better with empathy and enforcing/respecting boundaries.
Apr 23
IPJ commented on Advice Cop: Wanting to Fuck 19-20 Year Old Guys ≠ Wanting to Fuck Nine Year Old Boys.
Also, age when a December-June romance started is important. 55/24 doesn't bother me, but 50-21, starting at 45-16, does. If it is sex, and he started with oh so generous older person interested in you stuff when they were in high school, a far higher level of creepiness.
And of course it could be that he's just lonely and trying to make surrogate family from neighbors, or the parents are kinda nutty and he's just a guy trying to give the kids a sane shelter. And variations, and how to address each is different.
And of course it could be that he's just lonely and trying to make surrogate family from neighbors, or the parents are kinda nutty and he's just a guy trying to give the kids a sane shelter. And variations, and how to address each is different.
Apr 23
IPJ commented on Advice Cop: Wanting to Fuck 19-20 Year Old Guys ≠ Wanting to Fuck Nine Year Old Boys.
If it is about sex, rather than uncleyness, then the whole "you, your brother, both at once, whichever" aspect is pretty creepy.
And while I hold with treating 18 as adult, 18-20 is a fairly naive, forming your boundaries time that sets off alarms if someone in their 50s looks on it as "Yay now they're legal, just barely, but still so delightfully malleable!"
And while I hold with treating 18 as adult, 18-20 is a fairly naive, forming your boundaries time that sets off alarms if someone in their 50s looks on it as "Yay now they're legal, just barely, but still so delightfully malleable!"
Apr 23
IPJ commented on SL Letter of the Day: Mate Or Mat?.
@62: Rewriting the relationship so that everything that happened is your mate's fault is a strong indicator of imminent divorce. So it contempt. This letter drips with both.
@64: Dan has a rule about having your shit together before dating. (Not being perfect, just not being inclined to blame all personal failings on "But I'm so daaaamaaaaaged you can't ask that of me... wah.") But if you find yourself dating someone who has failed to follow this rule, the correct response is to break up. Not to adopt your own "but they're so damaged I can't reason with them, can't go to counseling myself, can't break up, I'm just eternally stuck with no choices" soundtrack.
@64: Dan has a rule about having your shit together before dating. (Not being perfect, just not being inclined to blame all personal failings on "But I'm so daaaamaaaaaged you can't ask that of me... wah.") But if you find yourself dating someone who has failed to follow this rule, the correct response is to break up. Not to adopt your own "but they're so damaged I can't reason with them, can't go to counseling myself, can't break up, I'm just eternally stuck with no choices" soundtrack.
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*wild applause*