Sep 8, 2010
hazmat commented on Savage Love.
Once I was house sitting for a friend and I offered another house guest some weed. Turned out he wasn't a regular smoker and he propositioned me immediately, in the boldest possible language. Despite my fondness for talking about how sex positive I am, when faced with the situation I was momentarily flummoxed. Then I remembered Miss Manners and thanked him very politely and told him I wasn't quite up to it. He apologized profusely while I measured the size of his bicep and decided I could take him if I had to. Things went on like normal. Right before bedtime, though, I did tell him, in a friendly sort of way, that if he snuck into my room in the middle of the night I would hit him.
STill ya have to cut folks a little slack if they're drunk or high, at least the first time. Especially if your history with them is otherwise good - for roommates, that would include being tactful & considerate, and paying rent on the dot.
I don't know how nutritious it is, but oatmeal without salt is pretty bland.
STill ya have to cut folks a little slack if they're drunk or high, at least the first time. Especially if your history with them is otherwise good - for roommates, that would include being tactful & considerate, and paying rent on the dot.
I don't know how nutritious it is, but oatmeal without salt is pretty bland.
Sep 1, 2010
hazmat commented on Savage Love.
The last guy who said to me as a blanket statement, "I love women," turned out to be a raging horndog whose only interest in me was as a cum sponge. AAA doesn't seem predatory but he's equally out of touch with women as human beings rather than as (unobtainable) objects of desire. Yes, he should try being FRIENDS with a woman, or just having some friends, period. Maybe he should try to BE a good friend to someone instead of thinking only about himself and his shyness.
I have to say that I find dating as a goal-oriented activity to be a horrendous bore, but having good friends who sometimes turn into love interests is not.
I have to say that I find dating as a goal-oriented activity to be a horrendous bore, but having good friends who sometimes turn into love interests is not.
Aug 18, 2010
hazmat commented on Savage Love.
There's this one killer gym exercise where you "sit" against the wall as long as you can. One minute is a really long time. Total thigh killer. First time I tried this I damn near had an orgasm after I stood up because of all that blood flow to the exhausted muscles. Didn't quite achieve one. It's interesting that others have noticed the same thing. I never quite had the discipline to hold this pose on my own for that long while masturbating furiously…
Jul 28, 2010
hazmat commented on Savage Love.
Romance novels are this particular intellectual woman's dirty little secret. When the narrative suddenly devotes an entire paragraph to describing in vivid detail the color variations of a male character's eyes, that's the clue.
Porn, meh. I find it depressing - but maybe I wouldn't if I were just watching it "for entertainment value" rather than feeling that I was expected to get off on it somehow.
What is missing for me from most porn is an element of humanity, humanness. Tenderness. There should be suspense at the outcome, at least in terms of WHEN and HOW - most porn has such a foregone conclusion that the tension of uncertainty, which is a huge turn-on for me, is missing altogether.
Adult fan fiction, yeah. I loved those Kirk/Spock cartoons. It felt so intimate to watch some character I knew from seasons on TV and suddenly I could watch his cock. It wouldn't have meant anything if it had been a stranger.
Porn, meh. I find it depressing - but maybe I wouldn't if I were just watching it "for entertainment value" rather than feeling that I was expected to get off on it somehow.
What is missing for me from most porn is an element of humanity, humanness. Tenderness. There should be suspense at the outcome, at least in terms of WHEN and HOW - most porn has such a foregone conclusion that the tension of uncertainty, which is a huge turn-on for me, is missing altogether.
Adult fan fiction, yeah. I loved those Kirk/Spock cartoons. It felt so intimate to watch some character I knew from seasons on TV and suddenly I could watch his cock. It wouldn't have meant anything if it had been a stranger.
Mar 31, 2010
hazmat commented on Savage Love.
@59 - Agreed, NORTH sounds fake and the story doesn't make sense. Why didn't she just blackmail her BF with "If you don't support me I'll have to start escort work again"? or even "We could both be living high on the hog as long as you don't mind my running around on the side all the time."
I'm envious though - $3,000 for a one-night stand? That's a lot more than I make at my day job. I think that's pretty much my net take-home pay for the month.
I'm envious though - $3,000 for a one-night stand? That's a lot more than I make at my day job. I think that's pretty much my net take-home pay for the month.
Mar 25, 2010
hazmat commented on Savage Love.
FFOFF - get over the idea that "THAT CANNOT HAPPEN UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!"
You don't have any real control over whether it happens or not. You're trying to control it by caving in to her implied demand that you remain together, even against your will. You are the one blackmailing yourself with your own thinking about what can or can't happen. Your mind is filling in all sorts of what-ifs that might not even happen! You are too afraid of feeling shame, but in this case feeling a little humiliation won't do you nearly as much damage as your own imagination suggests.
And if you have a few moments of acute eye-watering embarrassment - well I remember one time I stuck my foot so far in my mouth that if I'd had a razor I would have slit my wrists right then and there. But no matter how much you want to sink through the floor, you never actually do… and the next day everything was fine. I still hang out with all those same people and the incident is long forgotten.
DON'T let your soon-to-be-ex hold this over you. First of all, embarrassing things may come out at any point in your life and all you can do is hold your head up and walk through it. I was almost raped at age 13 and it got all over my junior high, and you know how nasty girl-gossip can be at that age. Everyone said behind my back that I deserved it - it was just trash talk of course, and there wasn't anything I could do except put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along.
I'd be tempted to blackmail your soon-to-be-ex in return, and "remind" her of all HER sick fantasies that she's "told" you. However, I wouldn't do it. The reason is, especially with dirty dealings like what she's hinting at doing to you, what goes around really does come around. It takes awhile, sometimes several years, but your own reputation will eventually be based on people's cumulative memories of you and your conduct, not on one single incident or one person's hearsay.
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You don't have any real control over whether it happens or not. You're trying to control it by caving in to her implied demand that you remain together, even against your will. You are the one blackmailing yourself with your own thinking about what can or can't happen. Your mind is filling in all sorts of what-ifs that might not even happen! You are too afraid of feeling shame, but in this case feeling a little humiliation won't do you nearly as much damage as your own imagination suggests.
And if you have a few moments of acute eye-watering embarrassment - well I remember one time I stuck my foot so far in my mouth that if I'd had a razor I would have slit my wrists right then and there. But no matter how much you want to sink through the floor, you never actually do… and the next day everything was fine. I still hang out with all those same people and the incident is long forgotten.
DON'T let your soon-to-be-ex hold this over you. First of all, embarrassing things may come out at any point in your life and all you can do is hold your head up and walk through it. I was almost raped at age 13 and it got all over my junior high, and you know how nasty girl-gossip can be at that age. Everyone said behind my back that I deserved it - it was just trash talk of course, and there wasn't anything I could do except put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along.
I'd be tempted to blackmail your soon-to-be-ex in return, and "remind" her of all HER sick fantasies that she's "told" you. However, I wouldn't do it. The reason is, especially with dirty dealings like what she's hinting at doing to you, what goes around really does come around. It takes awhile, sometimes several years, but your own reputation will eventually be based on people's cumulative memories of you and your conduct, not on one single incident or one person's hearsay.
Dec 17, 2009
hazmat commented on Savage Love.
NSIW and skittle... If it is Oberlin, I went there 20 years ago and didn't find many hot males. Would've been a great place to be a dyke, but I'm not.
I'd never even heard of BDSM in the 1980s, but yes, Oberlin needs a BDSM club, and maybe a Winter Term project. Bwahaha.
@9 who's bored in prairie country. Labeling you as a "whore" for not wanting to support yourself is a bit harsh, but I've supported myself for 25 years and was always terrified I'd end up w/someone that I couldn't leave for monetary reasons. Hence an obsession with employment. That way if I was with someone, I'd know that it was because I WANTED to be, not because I HAD to be. (Now I view this thinking as naive and unrealistic, even though I still follow it.) It's scary to break with tradition, but I wouldn't have done it any other way.
For all bored women with lackluster lovers, in this column and elsewhere. Have we considered medical issues such as depression, diabetes, heart problems, etc?
Having been in the position myself of having less libido than a partner, I can tell you that feeling pressured to put out on demand (and to "enjoy" it myself!) is a sex killer! Fear of further angering a chronically frustrated partner is NOT erotic. But, the fear is your problem, not your partner's. Once a relationship fell into this spiral, I could never get it back to where it had started... but that's my problem. Probably from dating too many 20 year olds in my 20s. A lot of men nowadays are more sophisticated and they can actually get past this problem by accepting what the other partner needs and then negotiating kindly but also firmly for their own needs. That kindness is so essential when asking for more sex from a (female?) partner.
For Dan's carpal tunnel, how about getting an "intern" who's willing to take dictation for you as part of a "service"? Get a slave for a month, heal your hands, and then take the other advice here about Dragons dictating and the other books. Maybe your intern can help set up Dragon and help you train the software.
Hah... if I weren't employed, I'd volunteer to sleep on your floor for a month, and get up to take dictation whenever you wanted, even at a bar. That would motivate you to heal since after a month you'd likely be weary of having a slave in your face or underfoot pretty much all the time. But Dan would probably prefer a guy.
More...
I'd never even heard of BDSM in the 1980s, but yes, Oberlin needs a BDSM club, and maybe a Winter Term project. Bwahaha.
@9 who's bored in prairie country. Labeling you as a "whore" for not wanting to support yourself is a bit harsh, but I've supported myself for 25 years and was always terrified I'd end up w/someone that I couldn't leave for monetary reasons. Hence an obsession with employment. That way if I was with someone, I'd know that it was because I WANTED to be, not because I HAD to be. (Now I view this thinking as naive and unrealistic, even though I still follow it.) It's scary to break with tradition, but I wouldn't have done it any other way.
For all bored women with lackluster lovers, in this column and elsewhere. Have we considered medical issues such as depression, diabetes, heart problems, etc?
Having been in the position myself of having less libido than a partner, I can tell you that feeling pressured to put out on demand (and to "enjoy" it myself!) is a sex killer! Fear of further angering a chronically frustrated partner is NOT erotic. But, the fear is your problem, not your partner's. Once a relationship fell into this spiral, I could never get it back to where it had started... but that's my problem. Probably from dating too many 20 year olds in my 20s. A lot of men nowadays are more sophisticated and they can actually get past this problem by accepting what the other partner needs and then negotiating kindly but also firmly for their own needs. That kindness is so essential when asking for more sex from a (female?) partner.
For Dan's carpal tunnel, how about getting an "intern" who's willing to take dictation for you as part of a "service"? Get a slave for a month, heal your hands, and then take the other advice here about Dragons dictating and the other books. Maybe your intern can help set up Dragon and help you train the software.
Hah... if I weren't employed, I'd volunteer to sleep on your floor for a month, and get up to take dictation whenever you wanted, even at a bar. That would motivate you to heal since after a month you'd likely be weary of having a slave in your face or underfoot pretty much all the time. But Dan would probably prefer a guy.
Jul 15, 2009
hazmat commented on Savage Love.
A life of celibacy does not mean solitude. It's troubling that CAEM can't talk about this with the other members of his spiritual community. What kind of spiritual community is that?
He says he gets solace from his religion, it's a rock, a home, and a source of strength. Dan, don't be so quick to dissmiss this side of it. But if this strength comes at the cost of his inner being, then it's not religion, it's an addictive drug, offering the same old anxiety/relief cycle as any other addiction.
Perhaps he could separate the religion from the community? Maybe it's the community that's his rock, not the belief system itself. Even if he's Catholic, there are many diverse groups within Catholicism which may be more accepting of his feelings - even if they might guide him not to act on them fully. He needs a way to meaningfully participate in this great spiritual community of his.
The Catholic notion that even thoughts are "sinful" is so pernicious I can't even begin. We don't have much control over the thoughts that bubble to the surface of our consciousness, although we do have control over how much we choose to consciously entertain those thoughts once they're recognized. Most of the thoughts I fight against are tendencies towards harboring excessive resentment - not sexual fantasies.
A better spiritual practice is one that accepts one's inner thoughts but which encourages "right action" - whatever that may be. Right action for me would include honesty, courtesy, responsibility, etc. So I can think inside my head "You are a bitch" but as long as I don't say it, I haven't done anything to regret. If I go home and brood about it all evening, that's not so great. And this can be done by atheists who only believe in psychology, just as well as by deeply devout religious believers.
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He says he gets solace from his religion, it's a rock, a home, and a source of strength. Dan, don't be so quick to dissmiss this side of it. But if this strength comes at the cost of his inner being, then it's not religion, it's an addictive drug, offering the same old anxiety/relief cycle as any other addiction.
Perhaps he could separate the religion from the community? Maybe it's the community that's his rock, not the belief system itself. Even if he's Catholic, there are many diverse groups within Catholicism which may be more accepting of his feelings - even if they might guide him not to act on them fully. He needs a way to meaningfully participate in this great spiritual community of his.
The Catholic notion that even thoughts are "sinful" is so pernicious I can't even begin. We don't have much control over the thoughts that bubble to the surface of our consciousness, although we do have control over how much we choose to consciously entertain those thoughts once they're recognized. Most of the thoughts I fight against are tendencies towards harboring excessive resentment - not sexual fantasies.
A better spiritual practice is one that accepts one's inner thoughts but which encourages "right action" - whatever that may be. Right action for me would include honesty, courtesy, responsibility, etc. So I can think inside my head "You are a bitch" but as long as I don't say it, I haven't done anything to regret. If I go home and brood about it all evening, that's not so great. And this can be done by atheists who only believe in psychology, just as well as by deeply devout religious believers.
Jul 8, 2009
hazmat commented on Savage Love.
Ethically I have an issue with advising someone online to lie to their parents - except I did it, when I was 13 years old, for much the same reasons. Anyone who'd advised me to be ethical would've gotten a very deaf ear.
It worked out OK, not the love of my life certainly, but no physical danger and it was certainly an adventure.
As a parent I'd want to know the truth, but since I've never raised a child who knows. Might depend on the kid, ya know? They'll have to learn the consequences of their own actions sooner or later.
It worked out OK, not the love of my life certainly, but no physical danger and it was certainly an adventure.
As a parent I'd want to know the truth, but since I've never raised a child who knows. Might depend on the kid, ya know? They'll have to learn the consequences of their own actions sooner or later.
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Most of the regular folks I meet who claim to be poly are just the same old horndogs as before, they get mad if they don't get laid the same night, and they don't value the companionship or feelings of their partners UNLESS they're getting laid whenever they want it. The old fashioned word for this was "cad" and it applies to women as well as men. They view sex as a commodity rather than as a gift.
For me at least polyamory, like some other forms of love, implies acceptance and even gratitude. That could mean acceptance of other people as human beings, whose company is valuable at all times regardless of activity. So I could be in a "poly" relationship with someone where we rarely had sex. But for most of us on the street outside of these poly workshops, sex seems to be the MAIN or ONLY component of the connection.