Apr 13, 2011 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
"Waking up to hard dick poking in the butt" - while this is not PATH's problem I will say that I hate to be poked for sex when I'm in the middle of a sleep cycle! Whether I'm exhausted or just down for another hour, it's annoying to be woken up to a different kind of alarm clock - someone else's. It takes me 15 mins to warm up to sex at a time like that, and I have to really want to please my male partner so I can set aside that feeling of irritation and be a GGG girl. Took me YEARS to get to the point where I could be generous and not resentful.

On PATH. Says he wanted to be the perfect husband so he stuffed down his feelings. That's so sad! Sounds like my Dad's generation, actually. Stoicism was how it was done. My Dad dealt with my Mom's rages by total denial (which really did a number on the kids) and when I asked him about it all these years later, he said sadly, "I just thought these things had to be endured."

PATH, if you have an affair you wife can soak you on alimony. But you can't force people feel a certain way, or act a certain way, if it's not their will to do so. The only thing you have control over is yourself: your actions, your attitude, your choices. While seeking solo therapy isn't going to make your wife lustful again, it might help you clarify what your next steps should be, since you seem to be in a terrible bind where you want what you can't have but you won't accept alternatives.
Mar 2, 2011 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
Thank you Dan for posting the Planned Parenthood petition link. I signed it IMMEDIATELY. I agree that PP provides much needed health care far beyond pregnancy prevention and the GOP is engaged in a total assault on women! GRR
Sep 30, 2010 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
Regarding the It Gets Better complaints here. I am a het white girl who reads this column for more than entertainment. Yes, it's highly entertaining as well. And it's free, so what are you whinging about? Go watch Friends or something if you think the world owes you free entertainment with no obligation on your part.

Dan doesn't spend all his time pimping causes but when he does it's something important.

Maybe that guy in #41 and 42 is just a troll, trying to bait us all. With a name like Happy the Homophobe he must be intentionally cruel. Well, so what. That's not most of Dan's readers!
Sep 30, 2010 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
I disagree with those who say polyamory covers casual relationships - although it can. The problem is that polyamory has been somewhat co-opted by people who want another name for "messing around without considering anyone else's feelings". Whether poly sex is casual or committed, there should be respect, and yes, caring. "Amor" means love, not "hey at least I don't have to pay for a hooker".

Most of the regular folks I meet who claim to be poly are just the same old horndogs as before, they get mad if they don't get laid the same night, and they don't value the companionship or feelings of their partners UNLESS they're getting laid whenever they want it. The old fashioned word for this was "cad" and it applies to women as well as men. They view sex as a commodity rather than as a gift.

For me at least polyamory, like some other forms of love, implies acceptance and even gratitude. That could mean acceptance of other people as human beings, whose company is valuable at all times regardless of activity. So I could be in a "poly" relationship with someone where we rarely had sex. But for most of us on the street outside of these poly workshops, sex seems to be the MAIN or ONLY component of the connection.
Sep 8, 2010 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
Once I was house sitting for a friend and I offered another house guest some weed. Turned out he wasn't a regular smoker and he propositioned me immediately, in the boldest possible language. Despite my fondness for talking about how sex positive I am, when faced with the situation I was momentarily flummoxed. Then I remembered Miss Manners and thanked him very politely and told him I wasn't quite up to it. He apologized profusely while I measured the size of his bicep and decided I could take him if I had to. Things went on like normal. Right before bedtime, though, I did tell him, in a friendly sort of way, that if he snuck into my room in the middle of the night I would hit him.

STill ya have to cut folks a little slack if they're drunk or high, at least the first time. Especially if your history with them is otherwise good - for roommates, that would include being tactful & considerate, and paying rent on the dot.

I don't know how nutritious it is, but oatmeal without salt is pretty bland.
Sep 1, 2010 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
The last guy who said to me as a blanket statement, "I love women," turned out to be a raging horndog whose only interest in me was as a cum sponge. AAA doesn't seem predatory but he's equally out of touch with women as human beings rather than as (unobtainable) objects of desire. Yes, he should try being FRIENDS with a woman, or just having some friends, period. Maybe he should try to BE a good friend to someone instead of thinking only about himself and his shyness.

I have to say that I find dating as a goal-oriented activity to be a horrendous bore, but having good friends who sometimes turn into love interests is not.
Aug 18, 2010 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
There's this one killer gym exercise where you "sit" against the wall as long as you can. One minute is a really long time. Total thigh killer. First time I tried this I damn near had an orgasm after I stood up because of all that blood flow to the exhausted muscles. Didn't quite achieve one. It's interesting that others have noticed the same thing. I never quite had the discipline to hold this pose on my own for that long while masturbating furiously…
Jul 28, 2010 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
Romance novels are this particular intellectual woman's dirty little secret. When the narrative suddenly devotes an entire paragraph to describing in vivid detail the color variations of a male character's eyes, that's the clue.

Porn, meh. I find it depressing - but maybe I wouldn't if I were just watching it "for entertainment value" rather than feeling that I was expected to get off on it somehow.

What is missing for me from most porn is an element of humanity, humanness. Tenderness. There should be suspense at the outcome, at least in terms of WHEN and HOW - most porn has such a foregone conclusion that the tension of uncertainty, which is a huge turn-on for me, is missing altogether.

Adult fan fiction, yeah. I loved those Kirk/Spock cartoons. It felt so intimate to watch some character I knew from seasons on TV and suddenly I could watch his cock. It wouldn't have meant anything if it had been a stranger.
Mar 31, 2010 hazmat commented on Savage Love.
@59 - Agreed, NORTH sounds fake and the story doesn't make sense. Why didn't she just blackmail her BF with "If you don't support me I'll have to start escort work again"? or even "We could both be living high on the hog as long as you don't mind my running around on the side all the time."

I'm envious though - $3,000 for a one-night stand? That's a lot more than I make at my day job. I think that's pretty much my net take-home pay for the month.
Mar 25, 2010 hazmat commented on Savage Love.

You don't have any real control over whether it happens or not. You're trying to control it by caving in to her implied demand that you remain together, even against your will. You are the one blackmailing yourself with your own thinking about what can or can't happen. Your mind is filling in all sorts of what-ifs that might not even happen! You are too afraid of feeling shame, but in this case feeling a little humiliation won't do you nearly as much damage as your own imagination suggests.

And if you have a few moments of acute eye-watering embarrassment - well I remember one time I stuck my foot so far in my mouth that if I'd had a razor I would have slit my wrists right then and there. But no matter how much you want to sink through the floor, you never actually do… and the next day everything was fine. I still hang out with all those same people and the incident is long forgotten.

DON'T let your soon-to-be-ex hold this over you. First of all, embarrassing things may come out at any point in your life and all you can do is hold your head up and walk through it. I was almost raped at age 13 and it got all over my junior high, and you know how nasty girl-gossip can be at that age. Everyone said behind my back that I deserved it - it was just trash talk of course, and there wasn't anything I could do except put one foot in front of the other and keep plodding along.

I'd be tempted to blackmail your soon-to-be-ex in return, and "remind" her of all HER sick fantasies that she's "told" you. However, I wouldn't do it. The reason is, especially with dirty dealings like what she's hinting at doing to you, what goes around really does come around. It takes awhile, sometimes several years, but your own reputation will eventually be based on people's cumulative memories of you and your conduct, not on one single incident or one person's hearsay.