Mar 15 slinky commented on I Don't Think Those Forever 21 T-Shirts Were Rapey Either.
@6 MonkeyFetish....are you a man? Your comment about "It was startling that the women who should have been telling this guy off" and how the dude didn't do it to you makes me think so.

Here's the thing. When women give a soft "no" rather than an outright rejection, it's partially because woman are socialized from a young age to not dent the pride of men, but also partially because women know that when we say a flat-out no (or even a soft "no") to a man, there's always a risk that he will respond to being told no with violence.

Case in point: http://unwinona.tumblr.com/post/30861660…

and this: http://whenwomenrefuse.tumblr.com

Most likely, those women weighed the options and chose to let him save face while they ran away, because at an event explicitly related to sex, they didn't want to put themselves in danger.
Mar 13 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Coworker Is Vetting Sugar Daddies!.
#20 nailed it. Coworker is using time that she is being paid for Job #1, and presumably resources from Job #1 (phone most likely) to solicit and arrange business for Job #2. In the meantime, when she's giving tours to these men (who, let's be honest, are most likely NOT going to buy a membership), there are presumably other work tasks she could be doing.

Meanwhile, if LW has noticed inappropriate-for-the-situation behaviour (sales /= flirting), then other folks are likely to have noticed as well. Some might not be as cautious as the LW in their reactions. If LW thinks it is appropriate, a word to Coworker saying, "Look, you're using the spa time and resources to support your side job, don't do that, please knock it off" might be the best way to go about the situation.
Mar 11 slinky commented on Savage Love.
@96, after reading and re-reading and thinking a bit, there are two major postulates here:

1. He does not want to rape his wife, or even "merely" traumatise her further than she already has been.

2. He does not want to find himself in a situation where he is accused (falsely or not) of raping his wife.

The two can actually coexist and can do so quite easily. The most immediate and obvious thing that comes to mind is, she stops consenting to sex but does not give him any unambiguous signal that she no longer consents (such as safewording or tapping out)...AND he's not actively polling for green instead of waiting for red. If she is no longer consenting but there is no clearly understood thing for him to stop, well, there you are.

Friend of a friend (yeah, yeah, I know) ran into a similar situation in a BDSM scene. The sub said the safeword and the dom stopped instantly....but, he didn't stop when she wanted him to. He stopped when she said her safeword. There was a liminal space in which she wanted him to stop but before she safeworded. In the cold, clear light of day, the dom had a yes, was going on a yes, and stopped once he had a no. It didn't stop the nasty emotional fallout, because emotions are not logical or rational, even if the dom had no possibility of reading the sub's mind.

The answer ends up being the same as what Dan said: communicate, communicate, communicate, and be prepared to deal with shit. When you are in a stressful situation, you default to your level of training....and both of them are right now at a low level. This is a hard-core kink and needs to be treated with as much respect and caution as knifeplay, fire, suspension, or any other seriously hard-core kink. I think the advice of working their way up to a hard core scene is an excellent idea, especially practicing both polling for safe-words AND saying them.
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Feb 28 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Box Under the Bed.
@51...yep. My point was, in my experience (as a cishet woman), if somebody is going to give you a bullshit answer like that, it's a cishet man. Gay men and trans men understand what it means to have somebody holding a hammer over your head like that (outing and violence, including sexual violence).

Notice I didn't use the phrase "common sense." There exist plenty of cishet men like yourself who have more than half a teaspoon of critical thinking skills and empathy and understand. There also exist more than plenty who do not, or who, like the hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-friend, have critical thinking skills but just cannot connect the dots about how predatory people can simultaneously never bother them AND be a huge threat to other people. I spent the better part of 6 weeks in December and January educating one such person, a coworker, about sexism, discrimination in the workplace, and cultural mores that contribute to both still exist in 2016. It wasn't until he had blatant, irrefutable evidence of sexism in his face where he could see it and where everybody else could see it that he was willing to admit it existed. He is a very intelligent, very sharp minded individual and it took a metaphorical hit over the head with a hammer to believe the women telling him something.

As for Uber, Lyft, etc, I know that with a taxi driver I have some risk. I also have somebody who is licensed, bonded, carries insurance to make sure I'll get fixed up if we're in a wreck, and where I have a fighting chance of getting some legal recompense if something goes wrong. I also know that if I call a cab, I'll pay a set fare, where it can't jump once I'm booked, and where I have a way of identifying who will be driving me. There is a reason all those things exist. There are some things about getting the medallions that need to change (cost, barriers to entry, etc), BUT, again, effectively setting up a guild happened for a reason.

The sharing economy has its advantages. It also makes itself much less expensive by taking out the safeguards and stopgaps that other industries put into place for a darn good reason.
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Feb 28 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Box Under the Bed.
It's not JUST that he cleaned up her box of toys (which would have required work to find) and that he left her a note, it's that he messaged her directly with his contact information. Along with the first two, it's all but impossible to see this as anything other than him soliciting her for sex.

Somebody I hire to do a job, be it fixing the plumbing or cleaning or what have you, will find their ass fired and a terrible review on Yelp, Angie's List, and every other service I can think of.

LW, was the friend who gave you that awful advice a cishet man? I bet it was. It's not as common for straight cis men to have creepers come on to them as it is for women of all stripes to have men come on to them. He's talking from the point of view of somebody who never had anything like that happen to him, therefore, stop being such a prude! If it's not somebody you want to kick to the curb over that, show him Dan's response and this string of letters and show that it's not just you who thinks what the cleaner did is creepy, inappropriate, terrifying, and gross, AND, if he brings it up again, shut the conversation down. Otherwise, yeah, DTMFA.

Finally: things just like this are 50% of why I refuse to use Uber, Lyft, AirBNB, or other such apps. The other 50%, of course, being that they are rent-seeking parasites.
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Feb 25 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Career Counselor Is In.
@20 brokenmandrax there is college and then there is college.

Getting a 2-year associate's degree in a field where he can have a reasonable likelihood of getting work that is in line with his abilities and the limitations of his illness is still going to college, and far, far, far less expensive than a 4-year degree.

Depending on where he goes to study, it can get him into a place that is better for being young, queer, and ill than Mississippi.
Feb 20 slinky commented on Hillary Wins Nevada, Donald Wins South Carolina.
OriginalAndrew @16:

"Sanders is a solid candidate and his integrity and earnestness are admirable, but that can get lost in the noise of advocacy.

Tucked among all this Bernie-splaining by some supporters, it appears to me, is a not-so-subtle, not-so-innocuous savior syndrome and paternalistic patronage that I find so grossly offensive that it boggles the mind that such language should emanate from the mouths — or keyboards — of supposed progressives."

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/02/11/opinio…

Feb 20 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Career Counselor Is In.
Another person riding the autoimmune train here, although nowhere NEAR as severe as LW.

LW, I've found significant and long-lasting relief from the Autoimmune Paleo/Autoimmune Protocol dietary changes. Lots of physical relief and it got rid of the brain fog and evil temper completely. AIP works by removing the most common foods that can cause inflammatory responses in the gut, which in turn helps calm down the rest of the immune system. It is not a cure--it is a therapeutic lifestyle modification. If you're lucky like me it will put your illness in remission, but even if not it may help bring your symptoms to a level that you're more comfortable.

If that is something you've not heard of, you might google it and do some reading. If it sounds like something you're interested in, DO NOT START DOING IT RIGHT AWAY. Instead, talk to your primary care physician. It might not be a good idea for you, or it might not be a good idea for now, or it might be a good thing but require some significant changes to your medication routine.

Now that I have your attention, and all of SLOG is (justifiably) giving me side-eye for armchair diagnosis.....

If you find that AIP works for you, then that opens up a whole 'nuther list of things you have to consider. It is a lifelong regime (unless they find a way to make the autoimmune antibodies just go away already) and you have to be aware of everything that goes into your mouth. Eating in a cafeteria at a dorm might not work. Living in a communal situation where you might experience food contamination may not be the best arrangement for you.

Again, this is where your medical team comes in. Your regular physician and immunologist can make a list of what accommodations you need in order to do your schooling successfully. Note that this is not the same kind of accommodations you need to do high school: on a university campus, you might have 10 minutes to walk a half mile to go from one class to another. Will that be possible for you? Even if it's possible, will you be so shagged out at the end of it that you can't stay awake in class? If not, you need an accommodation. Does your illness preclude you from doing certain kinds of classwork, such as being in a biology lab where you might be exposed to pathogens while you're immunosuppressed, or an art class that might require more bodily movement than you have the spoons for? If so you need an accommodation.

By law, the university must provide reasonable accommodations for you. Don't be shy in asking for what the law says you must get.

Finally, you started playing the game of life on Hard Mode. Autoimmunity is no joke and it just sucks your mind and body dry. Being queer (which is normal and a normal mode of human sexuality) unfortunately means you will get social pressure on top of the social pressure you get for being disabled but not visibly disabled. Both of those combined are going to make having a decent living more difficult. So, do something that interests you well enough that you stay focused in class, but don't pick a field of study where it's difficult even for a cis het able-bodied person to make a living (such as music or psychology). And, as others have said, move to a state where the Medicaid expansion has already happened so that you don't go bankrupt with medical bills.

Good luck.
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Feb 20 slinky commented on Tim Minchin Goes Where No American Artist Would Go.
I continue to be amazed that the Catholic church has any moral authority left at all. After massive abuse and molestation in country after country covered up and hushed until it couldn't be any longer, after the Magdalene Laundries, after symphisiotomies done to women in Ireland, after the schools of the Sisters of Mercy, after the cult of suffering that Mother Teresa set in place in Calcutta, after the role they played in the Residential Schools in Canada, and now with mounting evidence that an illness can cause a life of suffering for babies born with a congenital infection, it's hard to look at them as anything other than a malignant force on life that is more interested in preserving its own power than it is in alleviating the suffering of life (something they profess to care deeply about) in any meaningful way.

In a more petty way, these are people who will censure the Nuns on a Bus because what the nuns say embarrasses the powerful, even though it's the nuns who are actually involved in feeding the poor and caring for the sick while the priests just talk story.

And the nuns....a relative used to inspect family planning health facilities and they never, ever had anything nice to say about the ones run by nuns. Trying to point out that having the partners of pregnant women who were at high risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease could not possibly be seen as birth control because *the women were already pregnant* was like shouting into a hurricane. It took a threat of having their clinic license pulled because they were practicing bad medicine to get them to change.
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Feb 20 slinky commented on Tim Minchin Goes Where No American Artist Would Go.
I continue to be amazed that the Catholic church has any moral authority left at all. After massive abuse and molestation in country after country covered up and hushed until it couldn't be any longer, after the Magdalene Laundries, after symphisiotomies done to women in Ireland, after the schools of the Sisters of Mercy, after the cult of suffering that Mother Teresa set in place in Calcutta, after the role they played in the Residential Schools in Canada, and now with mounting evidence that an illness can cause a life of suffering for babies born with a congenital infection, it's hard to look at them as anything other than a malignant force on life that is more interested in preserving its own power than it is in alleviating the suffering of life (something they profess to care deeply about) in any meaningful way.

In a more petty way, these are people who will censure the Nuns on a Bus because what the nuns say embarrasses the powerful, even though it's the nuns who are actually involved in feeding the poor and caring for the sick while the priests just talk story.

And the nuns....a relative used to inspect family planning health facilities and they never, ever had anything nice to say about the ones run by nuns. Trying to point out that having the partners of pregnant women who were at high risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease could not possibly be seen as birth control because *the women were already pregnant* was like shouting into a hurricane. It took a threat of having their clinic license pulled because they were practicing bad medicine to get them to change.
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