Dec 14, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Can we please stop with HRC wasn't a strong candidate? She won the popular vote by a number equal to the population of Chicago, for goodness' sake. The reason we're not talking about her transition team now is because of about 80,000 votes in three states that nobody ever thinks of when you talk about where to go on a week-long holiday and a legal construct that was put in place to convince white male slaveowners to sign on to this idea of a United States (and if you don't believe me on that, then tell me why for 32 of the first 36 years of the republic the president was a white slaveholding man from Virginia).

All the way through the general races, the standard Clinton was held to was utter perfection. Anything less meant that she was a failure and should step aside. The standard that Trump was held to was, "show up and have a pulse." Holy flying piece of crap, Batman...if you ever wanted to see clear double standards to men and to women, look right at that and don't look away. Remember all the hand-wringing about how he "didn't look presidential?" Oh dear, he doesn't look the way he should....maybe next time he'll be able to string two coherent sentences together!

By the way, once again all of the above is more proof you can't logic someone into a position they didn't logic themselves into.
More...
Dec 13, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Parkerg @3, it's the feeling or the dread that the people you're fucking, deep down inside, don't actually think of you as human.

Political outcomes are a crucible in which one's true views of society become known.
Dec 13, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
LW DONE...

Straight cis white woman here.

It's not that we didn't try. We did. It's not that we didn't offer logical well-reasoned arguments and not that we didn't go for emotional hooks. You can't logic a person into a position they didn't logic themselves into. Look at the woman in this story: http://www.vox.com/2016/12/13/13901874/o… She didn't logic and reason herself into a vote, but voted for someone who promised to repeal the Affordable Care Act even though it's the reason her husband is able to get medical treatment now...because she didn't believe he'd really repeal the law. Even though he said he would. Even though the person he's nominated for Secretary of Health not only wants to repeal the ACA, but essentially dismantle Medicare. Even though the R's in Congress have voted for almost a decade to repeal the ACA.

And if you can't logic someone into a position they didn't logic themselves into, you sure as hell can't emotion them into emotions they can't or won't process. Why are Black Lives Matter not peacefully protesting? Except when they do, or when they take a knee at a football game, or wear a t-shirt and nothing else, etc, etc.

None of the above excuses what happened. None of the above makes your reaction any less valid.

None of what I wrote, however well reasoned, will be any comfort to you at all, because there's nothing that can comfort the pain of feeling that a huge chunk of the people who you live with don't actually see you as human.

I have only one suggestion: when you tell your white partners that you need to not be intimate with them for a while (however you define intimate), tell them to have the grace to let you lick your wounds in private. We're all wounded, but it's fair to say that your wounds (a queer woman of colour in a world that kills people like you) run closer to the bone your white partners'. By telling them to give you space and privacy, you draw a big bright line that they are not allowed to use you to process their emotions for them. They can find somebody else.

I am so fucking sorry.
More...
Dec 7, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Anon...

"My main problem is the lying, although I'm not happy about the texting - the ex would try to break us up in a heartbeat if she could, and has said as much."

If you think about it, it's more than just the lying. It's the sneaking.

While everybody is allowed to have privacy, if you're sneaking around and hiding something important from somebody you generally shouldn't hide important stuff from, probably you shouldn't be doing That Thing (general-case "you" here). That can be work stuff that you're sneaking around the boss or sneaking around a teammate, sneaking around a spouse, or hiding something really important from a good friend.

Your man is sneaking and hiding stuff from you, and when you figure it out, he's lying to you about it. That's super-shitty. And he knows it's shitty, or he wouldn't be sneaking around and hiding stuff from you.

Might want to think about whether you want to stay in this relationship.
Dec 6, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
The "I got drunk and I was angry" thing? Yeah, no.

That's not flirting motivated by anger. That's a desire to injure somebody motivated by anger. "What, you're not home for (XXX) tonight? I'll show you!" And, dick pics, which is about as far as he can go without crossing a line past the point of no return. Maximize the hurt, minimize the risk to him.

LW, you're not wrong to feel like a line has been crossed. It has. It's not an erotic line, it's a punishing you for not behaving the way your husband thinks you should line. It's okay to feel like you don't trust him, because now you have a good reason to not trust him to act like an adult in your adult relationships.

Your husband needs to own up to what he did and not do that anymore. It's childish, it's gross, and it's cruel.
Dec 3, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Live In Nope.
Oh, where to start.

1. There is a difference between being FRIENDLY with an ex and being FRIENDS with an ex. You can be kind, decent, and respectful of someone you used to date without wanting any further interaction with them.

2. "That doesn't mean that she couldn't give me some peace of mind to know WHY the relationship is over."

LW, what on earth do you want to hear?

"That also doesn't mean that we can't try rekindling it, both sides willing of course. You've said in one of your posts something like "the world is full of couples that got back together.""

AH. There it is. You're hoping that through a combination of pleading, guilt, and corrosive togetherness that you can wear down your ex into starting to date you again, because that's really what you want. You're couching it in the idea of being friendly with your ex, except you don't want friendly, you don't even want friends, you want more than friends and more than friends with benefits.

That's kind of shitty, now that I think of it...you're trying to use the notion of being friendly and kind to a person she was once close to as a hammer to bludgeon her with because she's not being More Than Friends with you.

Do you want to hear her say, you're terrible in bed, you're holding back my career, you smell like cheese? Do you want to hear her say, you don't listen when I tell you things and I'm done with it? Do you want her to tell you that her chakras opened and she saw a future as a spiritual mystic that involves ritual sex with people who are not you?

No. You want her to come crawling back to you with a heavy dose of well-eaten crow in her belly and there will be love and bunnies and you got what you wanted.

Leave her be. Let her go. Ask a counsellor to help you get through this, because you are stuck on this too.
More...
Nov 5, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
@83, I'd say a mix of things.

Grad school is a commitment and eats up your time. If you meet and date a fellow grad student, and you both finish out, you both have higher degrees. Otherwise, your time to go out looking is very limited (and serious dating is time-consuming). Grad students are also typically broke, and dating is also a money suck. When your food budget for a month is $300, that $5 latte is more than 1% of your monthly budget.

I chose to stop at an MS instead of a PhD because I judged (rightly) that the added time and expense of getting a doctorate wasn't worth it for career reasons, and in fact I'd be told I'm overqualified for several positions that I would have liked. Even the entry-level jobs that I need to get experience to get better work.

Hmmm....sounds a lot like dating, now that I write that down.

So you take what job you can and hopefully you don't have TOOOO much student debt that you need to pay off. Then hopefully your career path is one that will let you have some free time once in a while.

And finally when it's all done, you're 10 years older and highly educated and that's when the pool of eligible men starts to shrink. If you met in grad school, that makes it easier.
More...
Nov 5, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
BiDanFan @79...it saves me time that they've self-selected out, but that leaves me with fewer pickings to choose from.
Nov 5, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
Venn @76, I agree.

But...I worked in a job for years where not only was I the only one in the group with a masters, I was one of only about 4 out of 30 who had a bachelors. Most of them were the kind of bright, clever sort who hawsepiped their way up.

They were the ones who believed sight-unseen that I'd be a snob to them. They were the ones who commented that "That's the second time that XXX group with all their PhDs couldn't solve a problem, it's us hairy coonasses" (that is a literal quote, by the way), when I was the one who not only figured out what the problem was, but how to solve it and the maths behind it. They were the ones who suggested that if I stopped being the smart one and focused on being nicer, I'd have more luck finding a man.

It's exhausting to deal with.
Nov 4, 2016 slinky commented on Savage Love.
@66, 67,

In my experience, social stigma plays a part in "dating down," but you also run into issues in the relationship itself.

In my adventures in online dating, I've had men message me to tell me how impressed they are by me...and then deselect themselves from my pool of potential dates because they felt too inferior. I've had men show signs of interest right up until the moment they found out I had a masters degree, at which point it was like watching the blinds roll down in an old Looney Toons cartoon. I've had men be honestly shocked that actually, no, I'm NOT a snob and won't treat them like garbage simply because I have a university education and they don't.

I also have a friend with a PhD and her experiences are the same as mine. When asked about why she isn't having any luck finding a partner, she immediately answered, "My education." Another friend with a MSc (in a culture where arranged marriages are common) has had no takers because the men who would be eligible partners otherwise see her as priced out of the market (her words).

On top of that, it's been shown repeatedly that women in het marriages who earn more than men and have more career success than their spouses are more like to do more housework at home (except cooking), are more likely to divorce, and are more likely to have their husband cheat.

Sources in the link. http://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/how-m…

There's stigma, yeah, but it's more complicated than that.
More...