Melissa Trible
report this user
May 16, 2013 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
A thought for BBTB, for a way she can *discreetly* get her son a few Playboys.

Go to a yard sale (without him). Get a few new-ish magazines (or just buy some from a used book store, if you can't find a yard sale with magazines). Then go buy a Playboy or 2 (used, if you can find any at a used bookstore, so they'll be the same age as the other magazines). Tell your son that you bought a box of magazines at a yard sale, and tell him to look through and take any that he wants. Don't watch as he takes the Playboys...
Feb 14, 2013 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
I have a suggested compromise on the door open/door closed thing.

DUD should tell his son something like "I know teenagers can be stupid, I was one once, and there are some things that I don't feel you're ready for yet, so I'd like to be sure that you're not doing them."

And then make a deal with him. He can have his door closed, but whenever he has a friend over, you have the right to come in at basically any time. You will knock first, and give him a few seconds... but no more than a few seconds.

That way, he can still discuss things he doesn't want to discuss in front of his dad, and he can still make out a little or whatever if he and his friend are, ah, romantically interested, but he won't take the risk of getting actually nekkid or anything. He has a fair amount of privacy, but DUD has a reasonable amount of insurance that his son isn't getting in over his head.

And if he's concerned about any premature outing or whatever, DUD can always claim he's worried about drugs...
Jan 2, 2013 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
'nother suggestion for the away partner, to avoid things like "But where is he, I can't reach him!" issues and the like.

Have the partner say something that is true but incomplete (like "I'm going to be hanging out with a friend tonight"), the jealous partner can feel free to conclude that it means "One of the guys is coming over to watch the football game" even if it actually means "I have a hot date tonight"...

Or something.
Nov 1, 2012 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
Btw... there's one possible future development that would render about 90% of this conversation completely moot.

If and when we develop artificial uterine replicators, then it will be possible to terminate a pregnancy at any point without actually killing the fetus...

that will allow men who want the unplanned child to *take* it, without having to conscript the mother's resources for 9 months...

that will let people who object to abortion put their money where their mouths are and adopt unwanted fetuses as soon as the mothers decide they don't want them...
Oct 22, 2012 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
@263... I think at least part of why it's a good idea to date (at least roughly) "in your league" is that, well, the good ones are usually taken quickly. An attractive *nice* person will often have his or her pick of potential partners among existing friends and associates.

So, that means the majority of the attractive people who are actually available for dating strangers have something wrong with them personality-wise. Maybe they're assholes. Maybe they're cripplingly insecure. Maybe they're cheaters. Maybe they have the social skills of a potted fern. Maybe they're literally insane. But, one way or another, they are rarely the cream of the crop in terms of anything besides physical attractiveness.

But if you're looking at people who are similarly unattractive (or at least average-looking), you're more likely to find people who are single only because no one looked past the zits or the crooked nose or whatever to see the wonderful person within.

Well, and also, to some extent, beauty is a skill (knowing what to wear, how to put on makeup properly, and so on). The kinds of people who develop those skills are disproportionately (not always, but disproportionately) about as deep as a puddle in the summer sun...
Oct 20, 2012 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
Suggested compromise...

A legally binding document allowing men to opt out of all rights and responsibilities of parenthood, that must be signed by *both* parties.

It can be obtained pre-conception (though with a finite window, you can't use one that was signed 20 years ago or something), or post-conception.

If you want to do someone who you suspect or know won't abort if she gets pregnant, then you can get her to sign one of those before you do anything potentially baby-making.

And, that way, the woman knows, before *she* does anything potentially baby-making, that the guy she's with will not be stepping up if a baby is made.

It allows the men who legitimately are doing everything they can to avoid unwanted fatherhood to formally, legally opt out, without giving a free pass to, for example, the male half of condomless drunken hookups.

And it would also provide legal protection for cases where, essentially, women who want kids are using men as a free one-man sperm bank--he will not suddenly find himself on the hook for progeny that the mother *swore* he wouldn't have to raise...
Oct 19, 2012 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
By the way, femwanderluster, I wasn't saying (or at least wasn't intending to say) "do you think you did anything wrong by getting pregnant as you did", I said "If you could wave a magic wand and have never gotten pregnant, would you?"...

or, to put it another way, if we had genuinely 100% reliable, fool-proof birth control with no side effects, and you could go back in time and give that to your pre-pregnancy self, so you'd never have gotten pregnant in the first place (assume paradoxes are resolved harmlessly), would you?

And, if you had to chose one or the other, would you rather women with unintended pregnancies had free and adequate access to abortion, or would you rather they had free and adequate access to that 100% reliable birth control so they'd never get pregnant in the first place?
Oct 18, 2012 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
@118: Exactly!
Oct 17, 2012 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
I see the question of abortion as a balancing act between the rights of the woman and the rights of the fetus. At some point between conception and birth, the fetus goes from a blob of cells with no rights to a human being that it would unquestionably be murder to kill.

I agree that at the beginning of the pregnancy, the rights of the mother unquestionably take precedence. At that point, the fetus is a blob of cells, and even if it was a person, the woman should have a chance to decide if she's willing to let her body be hijacked to support another human for 9 months.

And I suspect you would agree that, at 8 1/2 months, someone having an abortion for anything other than the most dire medical reasons is basically committing infanticide. There are babies who were *delivered* earlier than that who survived.

So, the question is what to do with the middle range. When it's definitely more than just a blob of cells, but arguably not entirely a person yet. And that's where I think the mother's motive for the abortion is relevant.

At the beginning of the pregnancy, I agree that a woman should have every right to have an abortion for any reason she wants. If she's having an abortion for a trivial reason (eg. "bikini season" woman) I may disagree with her choice, but I agree that she has every right to make it.

But, mid-pregnancy, it becomes a little more complicated. Unless you have an unusual pregnancy complication of some sort, you knew more or less what you were getting in for at that point. And we're no longer talking about something that can reasonably be considered *just* a blob of cells. At that point--mid second trimester or so--I think it's reasonable to require more justification than just "because I feel like it", morally if not legally.
Oct 17, 2012 Melissa Trible commented on Savage Love.
@66: If you could go back in time, wave a magic wand, and never have had the pregnancy you terminated, would you do so? I'm betting the answer is yes.

And that is (probably) pretty much what whoever said "we all want fewer abortions" meant. Not fewer abortions because women are forced not to have them; fewer abortions because women don't *need* them... fewer abortions because there are fewer unwanted pregnancies. You agree with that concept, right?

and, @58: I may never have had a pregnancy, unwanted or otherwise, but "What if I got pregnant?" is *always* going to be a purely academic question for men (barring significant advances in medical technology), whereas for a woman, it's something that, unless she knows she's medically incapable of conceiving, is always a possibility.