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nocutename
Berkeley, California
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May 17 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: I Like Big Dicks and I Cannot Lie.
@51: Oh I would never advocate dating someone you don't find attractive (or just fucking them, either). Like you, I have a type, too although there have been some people who surprised me with how attracted to them I was considering how they deviated from it. I think chemistry is a real thing--probably pheromonal--and it shouldn't be discounted.

Everytime I've tried to make something work with someone to whom I wasn't really physically attracted, it didn't work.
May 17 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: I Like Big Dicks and I Cannot Lie.
@23, Mr. Ven wondered:
" I was just vaguely floating around a couple of ideas. One is that it would have been luckier for her if her preference were for the smallest X% instead of the largest. Interestingly, and I hope Ms Cute opines on this, it might be possible that a preference for something of general *low* SMV is something one could put in a profile without earning a big scarlet AH (some members of the desired group might be put off by too blatant a chaser, of course.)" And said that SMV stood for "sexual market value."

It's an interesting thought. On one hand, I suppose that stating a preference for something ordinarily considered of less value might make you immune to the charge of being an asshole, it still seems rooted in shallowness and it still seems obnoxious to me.
Whenever I came across a profile that used itself as a sort of casting call rather than an advertisement, I felt mildly irritated. Seeing that someone has a preference for big dicks or wasp waists, or long hair or chiseled abs isn't really that different from seeing that he or she has a preference for small dicks or thicker waistlines or any other physical attribute--it still doesn't tell the possessor of the chiseled abs or the long hair who this person is, and there's something about it that says--to me--that the person who's creating the ad doesn't feel the need to offer anything, just to demand. (I've seen profiles written by men that talk only about what "she" should be, without offering one thing about who is is and what he brings. I've seen profiles that have such specific desires listed, some of which are either low SMV or irrelevant SMV for many peopel (redheads, blue eyes), but all they ever do is trumpet the shallowness of the person to me. So from my point of view, which is that your dating profile should tell who you are and what you are like, not what you like, it's not that much better. I guess it could be the difference between earning an Asshole rating and an asshole rating.

As to the idea that "some members of the desired group might be put off by too blatant a chaser," well, yes. As a not-svelte person, I am of course happy when my body type isn't a deal-breaker, or is considered attractive, even preferred, but if I sense that that is the absolute main attribute that I was sought for or if all the man can do is to remark over and over about how hot my ginormous ass is I feel like a fetishized object and I don't like that. Make no mistake: I like being objectified, but only sometimes and in a specifically sexual context. But I want to be seen and appreciated for the whole person I am, and I like to think that while some objective realities about my appearance are obviously part of what drew someone to me, they're not the only thing that matters to that someone.
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May 15 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Hunter: This is what I read:
"My wife is one of those women who need manual stimulation of her clit during sex to climax.
when we are having sex, she's so fixated on stimulating her clit, it's almost like we are in two different worlds. When she's working toward an orgasm, her eyes are shut and she's concentrating on the rubbing—whether she's doing it or I am."


I interpreted that to mean that they do other things from time to time when they have sex but when she wants to come she focuses on her clit and turns inward. I have a lot of sex during which I'm simply enjoying what we're doing or enjoying my partner's enjoyment and not necessarily working toward an orgasm. When I'm having that kind of sex, I'm much more communicative and experimental and outward-focused. But sometimes, when I want to come, I turn rather inward and I can see how I might seem to disengage. But that's not the whole time. I assumed that that's what CAYA's wife is doing. I certainly didn't read his letter as saying she won't allow him to go down on her.
I could be wrong; I could be projecting. A few months ago I briefly dated a man who was completely and solely focused on his own dick--sometimes I doubted whether he remembered there was anyone else in the room with him. It was not very appealing.
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May 15 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: I Like Big Dicks and I Cannot Lie.
Mr. Ven: What does SMV stand for in your post @23?
May 15 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: I Like Big Dicks and I Cannot Lie.
@12 and 13 are really very wise.
May 15 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: I Like Big Dicks and I Cannot Lie.
None of us can say how important something is to someone else. No one can say that someone ought to be satisfied with something just because we think that he or she should. No one gets to tell you or you or me what to prioritize. Everyone gets to set their own deal-breakers, and none of us are in a position to know exactly how important any thing is to anyone else.

All we can do is note that people are young and sometimes things become either more or less important to us with time and as we age. Sometimes people grow on us and sometimes we get more and more irritated as time goes on. Sometimes what seems crucial at 26 stops feeling so danged important by the age of 46 after life has put a lot of things into perspective; other times after years or decades of not prioritizing something, it becomes so vastly important to at least try to find that people are willing to upend their entire lives and the lives of others in pursuit of it. And only they get to decide whether that was the right decision. The results of that appraisal may change from time to time. They're only made final when we die.

All we can do here in the comments section is to take on the outward manifestations of those quests for what the letter writers have decided is important. In essence, we're reduced to giving etiquette advice. Don't say "no trans women," but perhaps try to find out in advance of the date. Don't say "little man in a boat" or "I require a bald pussy and a big clit," but do try to find out in as tactful a way as you can if your needs are going to have a reasonable chance of being met.
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May 15 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@288: I'm curious how you came up with your interpretation that CAYA's wife doesn't allow anything besides manual stimulation. Maybe they do all sorts of the usual vanilla-type things but the only way she gets off is through manual.
That's certainly how I read it.
May 15 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: Preferences.
@Cat Bro: When internet dating, I don't even correspond with someone who doesn't have a photo posted. It's a hard policy with me.
May 15 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: Preferences.
Sorry for the typos and sloppy punctuation in all these posts. I've been too rushed to bother to proofread before I post comments and that's a bad idea . . .
May 15 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: Preferences.
Look, dating is hard, when you're looking to form a real connection and if you have any kind of non-standard requirements or issues. I have been on a quest for past 6+ years to find a real relationship since I ended my 22-year marriage because of a sexual incompatibility.
I've had great email correspondences with men with whom there was nothing but awkward silence in person. I've tried to manufacture an attraction to nice guys when there just wasn't any. I've met men who would be perfect but I have kids and they didn't want to be involved with someone who has kids. I've had promising men just evaporate for no reason before we even met. I've had men who seemed so right for me, but for them, I was not so right. I've discovered that my kinks, which thanks to Dan and the Slog culture I had viewed as a Yahtzee jackpot for men, were not appealing to a lot of men. I've met men who were completely impotent, even with viagra or cialis. I've met men with whom I got along wonderfully until we went to bed and then I discovered that we were badly mismatched sexually, just somehow totally incompatible, even though we'd discussed sex and interests beforehand and seemed as though we matched up. I've met great men who only want full-on polyamory.

Yes, it would be great if we could just skip all that finding-out-if-we-are-really-compatible stuff and just know before we've put any time or effort in whether it will work. But we can't--unless we really don't care about too much. The more you care about some things, and the more those things are relatively uncommon, the longer it's going to take to find the right person and the more effort we are going to have to expend in the search. It's a bummer, but it's the way it is.

I have learned a few lessons:
1) I pay attention to my initial feeling of physical attraction or lack of it when we meet in person. If I'm not dying to get into bed with a man on the first meeting, I'm never going to be happy to get in bed with him; eventually, I'll be repulsed at the thought.
2) I've learned that initial attraction doesn't necessarily translate into real sexual compatibility or chemistry. It's merely the first necsssary component.
3) I try to have the first real-life meeting as soon as possible. Unless we live far apart--another potential problem--or our schedules are unusually difficult I don't want to invest in a long, interesting, fun, flirty correspondence that I've learned is not at all necessarily going to translate to great conversational, let alone physical chemistry in person.
4) I try to have sex as soon as possible after the first meeting. Not only because I'm a slut and want it, but because I want to know if I should cut my losses as soon as possible.

I'm not unsympathetic to CMA at all.
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