nocutename
Berkeley, California
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Nov 3 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Husband-To-Be's Porn Use Causes Ex-Christian Bride To Despair.
@31: DonnyKlicious, that was so much better than what Dan said and the way he said it, that it would be great if he'd run it in a column. It's exactly what the lw and probably a lot of other women need to hear and she or they may not make down here into the comments.

Thank you.
Oct 31 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Sanguisuga, maybe being left unsatisfied make you feel like you're tingling, but I've heard Dan take about how hard it is on a vagina to be fucked before, always when telling men to consider acts other than PIV as constituting "sex," and he's generally not talking about being left unsatisfied, so much as he seems to assume that it takes a lot out of a vagina to be fucked. I will concede that I could easily be convinced that WOES' wife isn't orgasming every time they have sex, and the letter as written doesn't make it sound as though WOES cares if his wife is satisfied or not. But there's really no reason to conclude that his wife is tingling with frustration any more than Dan means that all women are "tingling" after having sex.
Oct 31 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@97: StrangerMyself, I don't understand the piling-on on the second lw, either. STUCK says "I am really ground down by this. The prospect of breaking up feels like it will be an ordeal. I feel trapped." I think Dan's response was perfect, and I don't see the point of telling STUCK that she is partly responsible for her situation. She may well know that or feel that. The point is that she does't need her bf's permission to leave or break up--she just goes. Maybe she goes after he has left the house and he finds out via a one-sided piece of communication, like a letter that he can't argue with. Then for a while, she blocks his calls and texts, blocks him on social media, doesn't read his emails, and waits until she's less susceptible to be argued back into a dysfunctional relationship to have any communication--if ever.

@98: BiDanFan, that is what I meant when I wrote my post @29. Not having a vagina himself, I think Dan frequently overestimates the severity of the after-effects of PIV sex on the vagina.
Oct 29 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: Let Me Be a Part of Your Pissing Experience!.
@21--oh that man lived his life in a constant state of arousal.
Oct 29 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: Let Me Be a Part of Your Pissing Experience!.
I understand that wanting to watch her boyfriend pee could be about the intimacy and trust for the lw as much as about a more overtly sexual fetish. I once had a boyfriend who wanted to watch me pee--naked--because to him the fact that I would suggested a level of openness and intimacy and trust and intertwined-ness that was important to him and which he found erotic.

But I am not especially pee shy, and he made it clear what the source of his interest was and was eloquent when asking.

The lw's obtuseness (maybe her bf's just as pee shy in public bathrooms, or maybe he only relaxes because he's not being scrutinized) coupled with her inability to explain to her boyfriend why this is important to her and her explanation that she wants him to overcome his shyness because she's "BORED" just make me lose patience with her and feel sorry for her put-upon boyfriend. Mr. Ven's got a point. This lw's boyfriend and WOES' wife from this week's regular column should consider getting together and forming a support group.
Oct 28 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@GhostDog: I'm sorry you had those experiences. They sound awful.
@Hacksaw: Sending virtual hugs. That shouldn't have happened to you.
@sb53: I am glad that you and your Miss M have arrived at something that works for both of you and keeps your marriage intact.
Oct 28 nocutename commented on SL Letter of the Day: Let Me Be a Part of Your Pissing Experience!.
Because she's BORED?
What the hell?
Oct 28 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@72 (in-frequent): Those people that WOES' wife had sex with more than once a week? They were boyfriends, not husbands. Woes' wife and those guys were dating, not married, working full-time, and raising two kids under the age of four. The sex people have when dating or courting is generally more plentiful before several years of marriage, and certainly before people have two kids under four years old. If WOES' wife had married one of those guys and had young kids with him and worked full time and they approached her for sex late at night when she was likely utterly exhausted as a way for them to fall asleep and refused to use porn or masturbate and then fought with her, I'm pretty sure that she and he would be having sex only around once a week, as well. I will bet any amount of money that the sex that WOES and his poor wife had when they were dating, or at least before they were parents of 2 young kids, was more frequent and better than the sex they're having now.
Oct 26 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
I have often heard Dan talk about how hard PIV sex is on the ol' vagina and say that one reason that women may not be up for it all the time is to think of how you (man) would feel if you got boned in the ass every day. Then he recommends that the person who wants more sex ask for "an assist," or to be allowed to go down on the woman while jerking himself off or to have her watch him and hold him while he masturbates.

These statements bother me for several reasons.

I can't speak for anyone else, let alone every woman. Already this thread has had contributions from a woman who seems to share Dan's attitude about how much PIV intercourse takes a toll on the vagina-haver (Big Hug Mug @16), and several people have recommended the "hold him while he masturbates" technique. But for me, the reason I might have for not wanting to have sex as frequently with my male partner and why the solution offered by Dan wouldn't work, come down to the same thing: Interest in sex or the lack of it.

Unless we're talking about a man with a huge penis, or prolonged jackhammer thrusting, or a marathon session lasting over 3 hours with lots of PIV, my vagina feels fresh as a daisy and good to go the morning after having had PIV. Every day. Sometimes I might feel sore for an hour or two after waking, but then I'm fine.* The vagina is a muscle tube, after all.

No, the reason I might have for not wanting to have sex would be because I wasn't "in the mood." While this doesn't happen often and not in my last several relationships, it did happen in my long and sexually unfulfilling marriage. And not being "in the mood" generally means I'm not interested in having sex myself because I know I'm not going to orgasm or maybe even feel good at all or in seeing that my partner is sexually satisfied at the moment. Because in order for whatever sex we have to work for him, I need to be actively invested in his pleasure.

Think about it: do you want to pump away at a woman who's lying there like a cold fish or a rubber sex doll? Some men might be able to orgasm no matter what effort or apparent interest a woman puts in, but most would, at the very least, want her to seem like she's enjoying herself. For some men, the woman's obvious lack of interest is enough to keep them from coming.

Well, "holding" a man while he's masturbating isn't something that can be done--or done well--while watching tv or reading. It's not nearly as passive an activity as Dan makes it sound. When I hold a masturbating partner, he's generally masturbating for about 10 minutes at least. If I were to appear checked out or bored or uninterested, if I were just "letting him do that," his erection would almost certainly wither. I have found that in order for my partner to really enjoy himself or in order for him to come, I need to be more invested than that. Ordinarily, this is a non-problem, but I have twice dated men I wasn't all that attracted to who could only orgasm through self-stimulation. Both times, before I broke up with them, knowing this was doomed, I had to pretend to a level of enthusiasm I didn't feel, because no one wants to be with an uninterested partner. If I have to hold my partner while he masturbates for him to come, which was the case with another man i dated, to whom I was extremely attracted and in whose pleasure I was very invested, then I need to stroke his balls or shaft while he focuses on the head of his penis; I need to lick his neck or his nipples; I need to talk dirty; I might need to do a little self-stimulation, as well.
I need to be involved is what I'm saying.

Now if my partner can come from PIV and doesn't need to masturbate himself while I hold him, and if what we're looking for is only his sexual sole satisfaction, then I might as well have PIV intercourse with him, because the level of involvement required from me is exactly the same no matter what the act and my vagina doesn't feel all torn up and raw afterward and need two-three days to recover before I am ready for the next bout of PIV.

When I was married, my husband sometimes wanted me to hold him while he jerked and I did, but if I wasn't interested in PIV, I was just as not-interested in the full-on participation necessary in good holding-while-jerking. I mean, I did it, but I resented it.

*I'm menopausal now, and there are some changes. The vaginal tissue is thinner--but less so now that I'm using Vagifem suppositories--and I don't lubricate as much. So I could actually be a lot more sore now. And still, with the Vagifem and lube, and some careful mixing it up, I don't feel pain in the moment, or soreness after the fact.
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Oct 26 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Rarely does a lw irritate me as much as WOES does. So he needs to orgasm in his wife to be able to fall asleep, does he? How did he sleep before they were married or sharing a bed? I guess he just suffered from insomnia night after night, waiting until the time when he would a have a vagina next to him so he could pump away at it for a couple of minutes before coming and collapsing.

In addition to getting enough exercise, drinking warm milk, stepping away from screens or violent imagery at least an hour before going to bed, there are choices like Ambien. Or over the counter sleep aids, like Tylonal PM (or just take a Benadryl--that's the active ingredient in Tylonal PM anyway, and you don't want to worry about accidental Acetaminophen overdoses).

WOES doesn't want to get addicted to porn? Or he doesn't enjoy it? He said both those things. He blames his porn aversion on his fundamentalist upbringing. How convenient. Then someone should tell him that porn addiction, if there is such a thing, is what happens when consuming porn takes over your entire life, interfering with every aspect of it. It's not like a switch that gets activated with one use. Not to mention, that as a lot of people point out, you don't need internet porn to masturbate. You don't need to sit in front of a computer to jerk off.

I disagree with some of the advice: WOES sounds like a whiny brat (she is just so tired and busy with her career and our kids. And yes, I have talked and fought with her countless times. In weaker moments, I'll admit I have also guilted her for her more "active" sexual past (with prior boyfriends) and for her current "neglect," which I know is unfair and unhelpful.) and I can easily imagine his poor exhausted wife might not want him to start whining about wanting a blow job or wanting to hold him as he jerks off. There are countless places to go--the shower, the guest room, the living room if the kids are asleep. Their unoccupied bedroom while the beleaguered wife is showering or still in the living room watching tv after the kids go to sleep.

This may or may not be a mismatched libido situation--it's hard to tell. I understand that WOES probably wants intimacy and connection with his wife, not just the solo orgasm, but he sure doesn't convey that in his letter and it's likely his attitude of entitlement and his decision to shame or guilt his wife for her past that are making her less interested in being his Fleshlight-sleep aid.
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