Achieve the Four Modernizations.

nocutename
Berkeley, California
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Apr 14 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@LavaGirl, I don't know about all people on all dating websites, but it's been my experience that certain sites are made to attract more vanilla people and certain ones are meant to appeal more to kinky people. Fet Life is where the really kinky people hang out online, and if you don't want to deal with kinks, simple: just don't go there. OkCupid allows for people to get as specific as they want, either in their free-written profile, where you can say whatever you want, or in the answers to the thousands of questions, many of which are about sex. There is always room to write an explanation to go with your multiple choice answer.

So not only can you check to see what others are into and/or consider beyond the pale, you can also say upfront what you like and what you don't.

Typically, if someone has a fairly extreme fetish or kink, they are pretty upfront about it or they allude pretty strongly to it. They know it's not everyone's cup of tea. A more mild or common or less-needed kink is less likely to be mentioned or alluded to in the profile, but it's also less likely to be objected to.

And then of course, there's good old flirtation . . .
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Apr 14 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
I've been on the dating website OkCupid for the past 4+ years (I recently--and hopefully permanently--turned my profile off: YAY!, but that's another post). As it happens, I've come across several trans men's profiles. And I know they're trans because they identified themselves thus. (For all I know, I have also come across trans men who didn't identify themselves on their profile.) I'm not interested in a non-cis-gender man, but I was able to either say no thanks politely (the exact phrase: "Thank you for the nice message. I don't think we're a match, but I wish you the best in your search."---This is the same thing I write when I'm not interested for any reason) when approached, or to simply not reach out and send an introductory message to someone who looked otherwise like a great guy, but whom I wasn't interested in dating for what is a completely valid reason.

I'm not pretending that my situation is analogous, but my dating profile lists my age, height, and body type accurately, and the pictures I post are always within the most recent 6 months. There's always a full body shot and one close up enough to see my face clearly, wrinkles (not too many; I'm lucky there) and all.

I don't give my income, but I make it pretty clear that if you're looking for a sugar mama, I'm not your girl (unfortunately). You can tell from the profile that I have kids, one of whom is still at home and that I have joint custody, so I'm not available 24/7 or for a longish getaway without some significant planning and rescheduling.

If someone doesn't want me, because I don't meet his physical or lifestyle needs, I don't want to waste my time. I'd prefer not to hear or read a rejection, based on my physical presence either,* so I see that disclosure and honest representation as doing what I can to head that off. I would much rather limit my pool of dates than see a look of horror or disappointment in someone's eyes when we meet in person, or have to either hear him make some lame excuse to get out of the date early, or write a mean follow-up email. In short, I disclose about myself as much as possible before meeting so as to spare myself more painful or awkward rejection and to avoid wasting my time.

I don't understand people who give a false age or post old photos or in any way try to manipulate someone who would otherwise be uninterested into dating them. i suppose they think that once someone gets to know them and see how great they are, the fact that they're 15 years older or 50 pounds heavier than they said they were will either not matter or be unnoticed.

I guarantee the difference between what they advertised themselves as and what they really are will be noticed. And while a few people may decide that it doesn't matter, most would be irritated at having been lied to and having met under false pretenses. And those original objections to the age or body type or what-have-you will still stand.

If I see someone who doesn't appeal to me, I don't contact him; if he contacts me, I turn him down tactfully. If I meet someone in person who has misrepresented himself, I'll be polite--I won't make up some stupid excuse to leave. But I won't go out with him a second time, and I'll be annoyed that he wasted my time.

*Obviously, rejections happen. There are all sorts of reasons that two people don't click, and sometimes even when everything's good on paper and the photos are honest, current, and realistic, there's just no chemistry in person. But I want to minimize that "ugh!" reaction.
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Apr 14 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@309: Grrr: wasn't obviously, not "weren't."
Apr 14 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@298: Mr.Ven, I confess that when I first read that column, I eye-rolled pretty heavily, though I also have to confess that until then I'd never heard of Wendy McElroy and had to google her.
My take on trigger warnings is that if there is no reason to expect potentially trauma-inducing material, and particularly if reading, hearing, or seeing it is mandatory, it is a considerate thing to do. So for example, if I am teaching a text about rape in a class where such a text isn't expected and where you can't tell from the title that it will be about rape and everyone is required to read it, it can be a gesture I wish to make (I'm actually on the fence right now about just that scenario, because I want to be sensitive, but I also don't want to spoil the reveal in the plot of the YA book, Speak, I've assigned for next week's class in my Children's Literature class).

But the point of a DEBATE is that opposing opinions will be aired, and by their nature some of those opinions will not be shared or will even be disturbing to people attending in the audience. And student attendance at the debates weren't mandatory, I don't believe. In which case, I think Brown seriously over-reacted. College is supposed to be a place where you learn to be an adult, among other things. Part of being an adult is being able to handle hearing disturbing things without having to resort to puppy petting in order to take the bad feelings away.
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Apr 14 nocutename commented on Today's Right-Wing Talking Point: Hillary Clinton Is Too "Hideous" to Be Elected President.
@24: Exactly. I'm nervous. Let's start working for Santorum's campaign.
Apr 14 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@305: I don't know, Eudaemonic. I came the closest to wanting to hug you than I have before . . .
Apr 14 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Wants a Gay FWB.
Hmm. A tough one. Doesn't seem reasonable to expect it could happen with a Kinsey 6. I like the suggestion that she find a bi man who is willing to talk to her about how much he likes cock while they have sex.

To me, this is another case of a woman that seems to think that since she's a woman she can't possibly be guilty of offensive behavior when it comes to sexually objectifying men--especially gay men. Think how tiresome this would be if it were the standard straight-man-fanatsizing-about-having-sex-with-a-lesbian, but add to it the arrogance to expect that a friend would indulge him.
Apr 14 nocutename commented on Today's Rightwing Talking Point: Hillary Clinton Is Too "Hideous" To Be Elected President.
Oh Lance Thrustwell, if only it were that simple. If only old women were valued for their wisdom and experience and once the fuckability factor is no longer an issue, people could take them more seriously.
If only we Americans didn't prioritize looks and youth above all else (someone upthread mentioned John McCain--well one of the things that did him in was his age) even in our elected officials.

I wish and would dearly love to believe that your vision is a true one. Instead I think you're only partially right: attractiveness and a high fuckability quotient will get a woman far--much farther then she'd ever get without them (see Sarah Palin or Michelle "Crazy Eyes" Bachman), but ultimately, it will also stop them from being taken seriously as true leader material. And old women? Our culture has never had any use for them. Not since the days of weregeld anyway.
Apr 14 nocutename commented on Today's Rightwing Talking Point: Hillary Clinton Is Too "Hideous" To Be Elected President.
@13: It's always been a fatal mistake to underestimate your opposition. And then we'll end up with President Santorum or President Cruz.
When it comes to presidential elections, no one should ever think "this is easy."
It won't be.
Apr 13 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
LateBloomer & LavaGirl: No worries: the guy's neither a jerk nor a used car salesman. Just a guy who has something in his pocket that he chose to keep hidden until after I fell for him (and he for me). We're still together. Things are just much more complicated than I'm used to or than I'd like.
 

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