Home of the Whopper.

nocutename
Berkeley, California
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Apr 12 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Mr. Ven, I guess I tried and failed to make an analogy regarding paid sex and assisted erections. I did a poor job and accept that it was a failed effort.
But I have absolutely no idea what I could have said that made you think I only think that "men should accept being judged on the size of their bank balances alone." Since I never said anything even remotely of the kind, I don't understand why you could say I made a "disturbingly strong case" for that judgement.

If you're basing your assessment on my post @175, I was responding to Really Now . . .'s post @172, wherein she said that she could only think of having received some licorice from a man with whom she had sex. I thought that unusual. I don't think it's uncommon, even in 2014, for a man to pay for a woman's drink or two tickets to the movies. I'm not saying it is right or wrong or to be advised or that a woman shouldn't put out until he pays up--I was just expressing a bit of disbelief that Really Now . . . appears to never have gone on a traditional date, in which the man pays for at least some of the activities, and later there is sex.

It seems that I have a hard time making myself understood here.
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Apr 12 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@176 (Registered European): I have a friend who's a sex worker and she specializes in "the girlfriend experience." She also has several long-term clients (as in once a week or twice a month for years and years). I have never asked her how much like the "girlfriend experience" the "g.e." is, but maybe it's less businesslike than you've experienced. Have you looked into hiring someone who advertises that service?
Apr 12 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@172: Really? You've never been taken to dinner or had a dink paid for? You've never gone somewhere that needs to have an admission or entrance fee paid and had your date pay? He's never bought you a cup of coffee? How about flowers or a little gift after you've been dating? Some women factor some of those things into the calculation, too.
Apr 12 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@AFinch: I've had sex with men I'm absolutely sure didn't care a whit whether I was getting any pleasure out of the experience. I'm sure that there have been plenty of times when a woman having sex with a man didn't really care about giving him pleasure. Whereas I think that a professional sex worker cares very much whether s/he gives the client pleasure.

I get what you're saying, but to me this attitude is similar to the one in which a woman is insulted if a man has to use Viagra to get hard--she erroneously thinks that he needs the pill to feel the desire, that she alone doesn't turn him on. But the pill isn't a libido enhancer; it's just a vasoconstrictor that narrows the blood vessels so an erection is stronger. If there is no desire, the Viagra does nothing at all. My take on viagra is whoo hoo! Better living through chemistry~any thing that helps a rock-hard erection come my way is a good thing (especially as I and my partners get older). Accordingly, I say having sex with a professional is having sex with someone who really wants to be there, having sex with you, not someone who, the next morning, in the cold light of a hangover might think, "oh god, what did I do?"
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Apr 10 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@105: I'm not advocating for anything. I'm suggesting that you're not considering other factors.

I am a big believer in honesty and in letting people make informed decisions. But this situation is far more nuanced than you're accounting for. There's not a one size fits all solution or response, and what might be a more appropriate course of action for a 45 year-old may be not as fitting for a 72 year-old. And I don't think that introducing a sense of anger, hurt, outrage, and disillusionment is doing anyone any favors. The world isn't always black and white, and given the age of this couple, I think this is a grayer area than you seem to acknowledge.

It's not merely a question of "strength." There are practical economic considerations, too. At their age, divorcing or separating might not be a feasible solution, but now the problem of how to stay married might be introduced.
Apr 10 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@101: I guess my point is that although you might consider yourself better off without a husband such as SOS, the wife herself might feel differently. It's presumptuous for any of us to decide we know what she'd want, what has gone on in this marriage, what they should do. It's entirely possible that the husband knows whereof he speaks. He knows his wife and his marriage; we do not.

You are free to prefer to blind yourself rather than be touched for money or to leave a long-term marriage if you find out your husband has sought extra-marital, paid sex. But not everyone would do the same.
Apr 10 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@101: Most sex workers have lower rates of STIs than you seem to imagine. Not to mention that if they're not having any sex, there is virtually no way for the husband to infect the wife.

You say "she'd be better off without him." She's likely to be in her late 60s to mid 70s--hard to find a job, assuming she's not already employed. They'd be splitting pensions, retirement accounts (his draining theirs to pay for sex is a far greater concern than him bringing back any STIs), likely selling their no-doubt paid off house, and having to maintain two households on what is the same (presumably) fixed income. At the age she's likely to be, it's going to be hard, if even possible, for her to find another romantic relationship to provide her the affection and companionship that she's honestly getting in her marriage. And then there's the sense of loneliness, the change in social status, the loss of a sense of who she is in the world, the addition of feelings of betrayal, anger, sadness, humiliation, distrust, disgust that the ending of this marriage in this way would bring about.

Yep; she really would be better off without him.

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Apr 9 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@29: Possibly you're right about whether or not this was a quasi-proposal. The main issue is not really whether it's a proposalish or not; he's into her and she's not into him. She needs to break things off so

A) he can find someone who will be into him.
B) when she's ready she can look for someone she's into.
C) she doesn't feel guilty for stringing him along.
and
D) she doesn't have to endure a relationship she's not enjoying.

The sooner the better, and without douchery.
Apr 9 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Thank you, Mr. Ven. I'm feeling particularly blue today and a quick dose of Mitford was a good treatment.

SAP, it sounds like you got into something on the rebound and also because you two had bonded over shared interests. But you need to end it now, because Mr. 40ish is looking for a wife and babies, and since you know that won't be you, it's unfair and pointless to drag it out. But don't tell the insulting lie "it's not you, it's me" (which everyone knows means "it's not me, it is absolutely you"), and don't say "I'm not ready for a commitment" because that either leads to false hope that if he hangs in there, you'll be ready, or it will hurt him more still if in two months time you meet someone else you are ready to commit to and he sees or finds out about it. Just tell him that it's not working for you; you don't feel the way you should feel to be in a romantic, sexual relationship--let alone about how you should feel to even consider marrying and having kids with someone.

Tell him you'll always be grateful that he was there when you were dealing with the turmoil of the demise of your last relationship, but you think you made some rebound choices and that you two are better off as friends only. Or don't even tell him all that last stuff. But don't lie, because those lies are immature and you're at an age to form your adult self. They're also transparent and fairly insulting, and if you're trying not to hurt the person you're breaking up with, that won't cut it. You can be truthful and still be tactful, and you can be truthful without being brutally honest and over-sharing (don't, for instance, mention how much you still miss the amazing sex you had with the ex). Good luck!

Bathroom dude: All I can think of is how gross most public bathrooms stalls are and how much I'd hate to be naked in one. Especially: Bare Feet! But whatever. As long as no one really knew, they aren't really being invited into his sex life (hmm . . . would they notice the bare feet and wonder what else was bare?), and as long as no one needs to use that toilet and is being prevented because some naked guy is hiding out in there, turned on and waiting for the others to come back and return his clothes, I guess no harm is done. When they came back with his clothes, did they have a threesome in the bathroom? Seems to me that the most interesting part didn't make it into the letter.

As far as the geezer is concerned, jeebus, Dan, didn't we flog this one to death just last week in the SSLOTD? If you're going to repeat a letter, can't you pick a more interesting one?
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Apr 8 nocutename commented on Bigoted Anti-Gay Moms Should Want Their Sons to See This Play.
My high school did Deathtrap in 1979 before the movie came out. I'll never forget the first read through when the kid who was going to be playing Sidney said the line, "you know I love you, Cliff," and then immediately said: "what is this fag play?" Our drama teacher gave a little speech about tolerance and humanity and good drama, and the show went as written, except the two boys hugged instead of kissed. And this was conservative Orange County more than 30 years ago!
 
 

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