nocutename
Berkeley, California
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Jan 10 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Please please run only letters from non-hetero people having non-breedery problems for the rest of the month. Just in case asshole #4--BREEDER--is still hate-reading.
Maybe only non-hetero letters all through February, too. Most of us can take it.
Jan 10 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@Philophile 129: It isn't MBTCG's right or place to disclose what his girlfriend does without her permission, and she's clear that she doesn't want to do that ("it's something she likes to keep to herself, and for good reason, obviously.")

There's destigmatizing and there's also practical reality. And maybe the gf or even MBTCG doesn't want to have his friends become her clients, which might be a possible outcome of their knowing she's a cam girl.
Jan 7 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Snooper Boyfriend Keeps Snooping Through Passed Out Girlfriend's Phone.
@DonnyK: "Outside a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read."--Groucho Marx

@Chase: I think Dan has a new, shiny toy (a couple of them, actually, because he's been pushing the "smoke weed" solution pretty hard lately, too), and he just wants everyone to love it as much as he does. I know he's been non-monogamous and smoking or eating weed for a lot longer than he's been proselytizing for both, but my theory is that

a) the book Sex At Dawn came out and corroborated his experiences and views
and
b) recreational marijuana is legal in Washington state and his mother is no longer alive

and now the bars holding him back have been removed.

I agree that holding people to lifelong monogamy in which even the simplest slip, like, say, a kiss or a drunken make-out session is seen as a relationship-extinguishing event (see the SLLOTD Newly Engaged Woman Debates Confessing Bullshit "Infidelity" Or Keeping Mouth Shut) is setting many, if not most couples up for failure over the life of a long relationship, and we could all use little less hysteria around non-monogamous lifestyles and that we sure as hell could do with more forgiveness and better communication and understanding. In ALL our relationships. But Dan now has a one-size-fits-all solution that doesn't really answer a lot of people's questions or concerns.
You're right: it's getting old and this time it really reeked of insensitivity.

P.S. Dan, it'a not a "hallelujah pass;" it's a "Hail Mary pass." I'm neither a sports fan nor a Catholic, and even I know that. (I guess if it works, it becomes a hallelujah-worthy pass, but that's a retrospective thing.)
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Jan 7 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Snooper Boyfriend Keeps Snooping Through Passed Out Girlfriend's Phone.
@35, 36, 37: Yes. Yes. Yes.

@CMD: I read Chase as saying that Dan's advice was as practicable as saying to a fish: "just start breathing air and walk on land. I do, and I've never had the problem you're describing." The lw is straight and monogamous. Chase suggests he'd have just as easy a time changing his monogamous nature as his sexual orientation. Furthermore, Chase's comment suggested the illogical syllogism: I am gay. I am not monogamous. Therefore all gay men are not monogamous." I've heard Dan say many times that he doesn't think gay men are as monogamous overall. There are lots of monogamous gay men and Dan's erasing them.

In other words, Dan was fucking up and doing disservices to more than one group.

It would be as if a skinny, flat-chested lesbian wrote to me and said: "my girlfriend promised to quit smoking, but I find lots of evidence that she's still smoking and now she's lying about that to me. What should I do?" And I answered, "I'm a straight woman with large breasts whose boyfriend doesn't smoke. So easy: just be straight with large boobs. Problem solved!"

I think you may be seeing homophobia where there isn't any. Or as Sigmund Freud probably never said, "sometimes a banana is just a banana. Anna."
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Jan 7 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
BDF: So is the hatchet buried?
Because generally I'm in agreement with you and it felt weird to be so out of sync. I guess it does come down to us all thinking of our own friend groups, though it occurred to me that CAW, the LW3, knew before writing to Dan that she didn't want to look within her own friend group for whatever reasons. Since she is quite clear that she wants NSA sex with no romance ("I'm not sure how to go about engaging in noncommittal quick sex dates. I don't know of any escort services for the ladies, but I would be interested."), I can understand why she is excluding her social circle.

I thinks there are advantages and disadvantages to both the real-life bar (or elsewhere) pickup and the online dating or hookup site routes.
In the real world, you both can see first if there's a mutual attraction and then build on that. But meeting a stranger while both have been drinking and going home with them that night has some potential for ugly, awkward, embarrassing, or dangerous scenes. Also, the chances that you'll find enough suitable partners who are both interesting to you and interested in you in any given bar on one night may be slim if you are more discerning, less conventionally attractive (which for women can also mean "over 40 years old"), or if the bar is not a popular one or one that caters to a clientele predominately out of sync with you in terms of presentation.

In the website or app world, you can look though hundreds or thousands of potential partners, giving you much more options. You can look for people who possess exactly the qualities you want (or appear to). If you make a better first impression through your words than your looks, or you are shy about approaching strangers in person, you might benefit from this technique. Writing or texting or even calling on the phone before meeting gives more chance to get to know each other than a drunken conversation in a dark and noisy bar. The downside is that is is impossible to gauge whether or not there'll be chemistry until you meet in person, and that it is very easy to misrepresent oneself online, in terms of how old you are, or how you look in general. I've had a lot of meetings with people I've connected with online at which there was no attraction whatsoever..

So neither technique is perfect and both sometimes yield great results. You pays your money and you takes your chances.
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Jan 6 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Snooper Boyfriend Keeps Snooping Through Passed Out Girlfriend's Phone.
Nope; Chase hasn't been homophobic, and his posts @2 and 3 preemptively win the thread.
Jan 6 nocutename commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Snooper Boyfriend Keeps Snooping Through Passed Out Girlfriend's Phone.
@10: I agree that there is something weird about the lw trying so hard to catch his gf in the act of cheating, though given the way communication's gone so far, I think your questions, "Do you not trust her to answer honestly if you ask her about this? Is having an adult conversation about this dude she's been texting impossible?" might be a bit naïve.
Jan 6 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
BiDanFan and Capricornius: I assume that the lw took stock of her acquaintance--who she knew was available, whom she was attracted to, how her general social circle views casual NSA sex--and made the decision to go with finding someone online to hookup with after that consideration.
Jan 6 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Sorry for all the typos and homonyms in the last two comments. I'm really too busy to be writing, and have foregone proofreading; I shouldn't be doing this.