nocutename
Berkeley, California
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Mar 20 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
I reread SHHH's letter and it seems that there are three issues:
1) Now that she has a deep and loving relationship with her bf, her feelings get hurt when he humiliates or hurts her during sex.
2) She can still enjoy BDSM with others with whom she's in more casual relationships. It's unclear whether her bf minds that she gets those needs met elsewhere. She says they're polyamorous, so presumably they're each free to have kinky sex or just kink with others.
3) Boyfriend feels slighted that she still wants the kinky sex, but not with him.

It's not clear whether the bf enjoys vanilla sex at all. It's not clear whether he's more upset that the BDSM has stopped in their relationship or that the lw still wants it--just not with him.

This is an interesting twist on a problem I've heard about from the other side. I know some people who can't inflict pain on the person they're in love with. So the relationship, which began as a BDSM one rooted in a D/s dynamic has shifted. Some people seem to be able to switch their primary relationship to a more vanilla model and allow the sex to no longer contain BDSM elements of pain and humiliation, especially, if they can get those desires met elsewhere. If he can enjoy vanilla sex, this might have a chance of working: they each outsource the BDSM. But it sounds as though BDSM is crucial to both of them.

This might just be analogous to a vanilla woman who, though feeling deep love for her partner, no longer feels sexually attracted to him. In that case, I think it might be time for this relationship to shift into a deep and loving friendship.
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Mar 18 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@118: I didn't see anything in WKW's letter to indicate he thought that the man and three women in hijabs and modest dress were accidental observers, if by "accidental," you mean that they wandered in off the street by chance and were unaware of the nature of the convention they'd wandered into. They may have just come upon that particular orgy by chance, but since they were at Dark Odyssey Winter Fire, which WKW describes as "the big kink hotel takeover event," I have to assume they knew they were attending a kink event and were there deliberately. Here is the pricing for the event. If you have to pay that kind of money, you pretty much know what you're paying for. Or if you don't know the specifics, you are at least curious, don't you think?
Mar 18 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Perhaps CMD's phrase should be: "for all time some wealthy and powerful men have been known to have one standard at home while a very different one elsewhere."

I think that men holding the women of your household, your wife or wives, children, unmarried sisters, mother, and mother-in-law to a standard entirely different to the way you perceive and treat other women is practically universal, and simply can be enacted on a larger scale the more money and power they have. It certainly cuts across religions and cultures.

The possibilities I can come up with for the women in modest dress accompanying the man to the orgy at the kink event could have been:
1) Role-playing entirely: not Muslim, not observant, but acting out either their own fetish or helping their friend or client to realize his.
2) Muslim kinksters who get off on transgressive behavior, including incorporating modest garb into sexual situations.
3) Some sort of harem, maybe kinky themselves, maybe not, who are clothed a lot differently underneath their modest outer-wear, but still go about publicly in traditional modest garb.
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Mar 17 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@tachycardia, do you wear a sheitel?
Mar 15 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Oh yeah, Jerome. What a piece of work.
Mar 15 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
Yeah, Paul's bad (I always read him a self-loathing gay man who finds it easy to be celibate where women are concerned because he has contempt for them and is not himself sexually attracted to them), but Augustine's worse. Full Christian sex-negativity is definitely a product of Augustinian teachings. Better to cut your hand off than to masturbate with it.
Mar 14 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
I wouldn't think it would be all that unusual for people who came from a culture/religion that was very publicly sexually repressed or sex negative to be particularly aroused by transgression. And what could be more transgressive than women in religiously-ordained modest dress going to a big kink convention?*

Then of course, as Dan observes, maybe wearing the hijab and modest dress, in itself, is a fetish. Perhaps for both men and women.

*This, by the way, applies to more than one culture/religion that is publicly sexually repressed or sex negative.
Mar 14 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
@BiDanFan, @CMD: I left you a comment on last week's DDD thread.
Mar 14 nocutename commented on Savage Love.
People believe all sorts of things. Doesn't mean they're true. Witness the Fox-News-watching, Trump-voting crowd.

@BiDanFan: Kudos, to you, girl. But you know, some cases are lost causes. Most of us here on this forum want to learn and to broaden our thinking. Some people just want to stick their fingers in their ears and argue for the sake of arguing. Don't waste your time and energy. Just because someone doesn't use offensive language, doesn't mean he's not a troll.

@CMD: Don't try to reason with someone unreasonable who discounts your lived experience in favor of his own half-baked, poorly-thought-out, unproved theories.
Some people have so very, very little going on in their lives that they will deliberately try to stir up shit just to make people listen to them. Sad, really.