Aug 21, 2013 sfguy commented on Savage Love.
The guy who lost his fingers may sound like a whiner, but I can relate. I'm a gay guy and had testicular cancer so lost one of the boys in my mid-20's. It fucked me up in the head more than in the body.

It took me a year before I would date someone, and whenever someone broke up with me I assumed that was the reason, which was stupid because people broke up with me before it happened and I broke up with them so what's the difference.

My misfortune was that I ended up dating a psycho who was hot as hell and would always say stuff like "You're lucky I put up with a defective guy like you". I don't know if there are equally cruel women out there, but DIMI should be ready just in case. My fucked up young mind just thought "oh well, this is how it's going to be" until I dumped the asshole.

It was a psychological struggle but I met the coolest guy ever BECAUSE I STARTED ACTING LIKE IT WAS NO BIG DEAL then eventually came to believe it was no big deal then, and only then, did I stop feeling sorry for myself. Long story short, we got married when it became legal again after 15 great years together.

P.S.: GO SEE A THERAPIST DIMI. A COGNITIVE therapist can help you reprogram your brain. Shit happens to us in life that we can't do anything about. You're wasting too much time on something you can't change.

Jun 12, 2013 sfguy commented on Savage Love.
WHAT, I've been in your situation before and can tell you right off this is a guy who is insecure and wants you around as a "backup", but as long as he can have someone else, he will. Learn to value yourself so that you can be someone's first, someone who will tell you that you are attractive--not another person's backup.
Mar 22, 2013 sfguy commented on SL Letter of the Day: Gay Husband Single On Grindr.
Your husband wants the best of both worlds: as much sex as he can get with strangers *and* the security of having you at home looking out for him. You sound like you agreed to be open more because he already was rather than a mutually agreed upon decision.

But, Dan is right, too. IMO 23 is too young to get married, especially given today's longer lifespans. People do marry that young, it's true, but the marriage age has been steadily creeping up. I think that it's because, in the past, it was mostly because they were so horny they couldn't stand it anymore and marriage was the socially acceptable outlet.

I say this as someone who has been happily partnered and monogamous for 10 years now. We both met in our early 30's so had our fill with the anonymous stranger sex thing. Do we still look--DUH, of course, we're guys--but, on such a major issue, don't feel pressured to do something you don't want to do to please your partner. It will only cause resentment in the long run.
Jan 23, 2013 sfguy commented on Savage Love.
Destination wedding--depends on the destination. We're eventually going to get married, and would love to do it at a bed and breakfast along the California Coast where we've been going for years. OF COURSE we will pay to rent out the entire place.

Since it's a three hour drive from where we live, though, I'm a bit torn about offering people gas money. One part of me says yes, don't make people pay for anything. The other part says people might be insulted if I hand them each $30.
Jan 16, 2013 sfguy commented on Savage Love.
I agree with the blindfold idea. The other stuff sounds more like she's buying a present for herself. And though a prostate stimulator can be fun now and then, as for toys FOR ME I can take them or leave them. Things such as blindfolds, sexy clothing (especially something not too pricey that you can tear off), etc. seem like much more of a gift for Carl than a vibrator.
Jan 15, 2013 sfguy commented on Lady Gaga.
So what if she was born in to a rich, or even upper-middle class, family? No one chooses the family they're born into. And just because your family gives you piano and voice lessons doesn't mean you don't have to work to be any good. Seriously, she could just go sit in Crete and never work another day in her life and not give a penny to charity, but she's not--she's putting herself out there and encouraging people.

Yeah, you have to work hard to get places in this world, and some people have to work harder than others. Life isn't fair. Boo hoo.
Oct 10, 2012 sfguy commented on Savage Love.
The "one cell" argument is specious, at best, on BOTH sides of the abortion debate. A single cell is not a person, but nobody gets an abortion when the fetus is just one cell, or even just 1 million cells.

There are a lot of people who fall within what I call the "abortion spectrum" (think Kinsey scale).

For example, I totally and completely 100% support abortion during the first trimester. During the third, however, I think it's wrong unless the mother's life is in danger or it's obvious the child won't survive. If a child can survive prematurely outside the womb, at that point abortion *is* indeed killing a person.

So the argument for me comes down to the second trimester, and since I don't know enough about that, then I defer to the judgment of each individual woman.

As for the line that men shouldn't be telling women what to do with their bodies, that's also specious. Female legislators vote all the time on things that affect men's bodies.
Sep 12, 2012 sfguy commented on It’s Time to Freak Out About Climate Change.
The elephant in the room that is constantly ignored is population growth. If each person cuts their energy use by half, and the population doubles again, which it's predicted to, we've accomplished nothing.
Jun 27, 2012 sfguy commented on Savage Love.
If you're not into bars, there are still many other options, depending on where SAFF's brother lives: gay biking clubs, hiking clubs, gaming clubs, etc. etc.

As for not finding a connection right away, welcome to the club. I dated until I was almost 30 before meeting "the one"

Another thing that Dan didn't mention is DON'T COME ACROSS AS DESPERATE. To me, and I'm sure to others, there's nothing that's a bigger turnoff than someone who seems clingy and desperate to be in a relationship with me. I'm not saying to be an aloof a-hole. If you find someone intersting, by all means show them interest, just don't smother them or they'll view you as a controlling, smothering person and leave.
Apr 4, 2012 sfguy commented on Savage Love.
@4 is absolutely right. We've had the cat jump on one of our backs in the middle of sex, or head butt us, or some such nonsense. That's the nature of cats. When they want attention, they want it NOW.