May 3, 2016 DRF commented on Savage Love.
Been thinking about WWWM. Maybe she'd do well in a situation in which she could get to know guys for long periods outside of a romantic relationship before suggesting they enter one (meet guys at a volunteer organization or join some kind of athletic group that's mostly guys), but that makes me wonder about a female version of Nice Guy syndrome. She'd basically be pretending to be just a friend (or actually being a friend and pretending not to be anything else) while surreptitiously evaluating guys for Mr. Right-ness.

Thoughts on whether it'd work? Thoughts on the ethics of it?
May 3, 2016 DRF commented on Savage Love.
@6 EricaP, yeah serial killers, but maybe trust that he's being sincere, that not going to run around and tell all her friends and coworkers what a big slut she was or maybe trust that he's not just pretending to be nice to her so he can sleep with her and planning to drop her like a hot potato right after. Maybe she had a friend in high school or college who had a guy pull one of those; plenty of women do.
May 3, 2016 DRF commented on Savage Love.
I don't think Mr. Savage's advice to the first LW is that great. She said flat-out that she's invested in holding off on sex until she finds someone she likes and--this may have been buried--knows she can trust. Trust might be the most important issue. Jumping into something that diametrically opposed to her current strategy and values, sex with strangers, isn't likely to be something that this particular virgin will be willing to try. What EricaP recommends is more likely to be this LW's speed, activity-wise, maybe not oral but something more than kissing, but the real problem is one of two things:

Either this LW has a social or psychological issue that makes it hard for her to connect with people emotionally, and that's why the guys are leaving, or she's only dating guys who expect to have sex shortly, who interpret "she hasn't had sex with me in two weeks" as "she doesn't like me" or just don't feel like waiting for sex.

Problem #1 isn't going to be solved here. Problem #2: Meet guys from outside the hookup culture. Are you picking them all up at clubs? Stop. Are you picking them all up at the same website? Stop.
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Jan 13, 2016 DRF commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Same Old Question, Different Kind of Response.
@9 if it's worth wasting years in a sexless marriage, it's worth spending two hours reading the book

PREACH.
Jan 12, 2016 DRF commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Same Old Question, Different Kind of Response.
Thirty is too young to give up on sex for someone who clearly wants more of it. I wouldn't say jump into an open relationship, but definitely couples counseling and making sure nothing is medically wrong. Though I'll add that this person seems more into a non-copulatory life than most other such writers. He actively described a few upsides, and we don't usually see that in letters from sexless relationships.
Dec 23, 2015 DRF commented on SL Letter of the Day: End in Sight.
LONE never said whether he or she was male or female. But let me add this: Since the age of four or five, you have spent at least six hours a day around people in your own age bracket and (maybe it shouldn't matter but it does) social class, and you had the social infrastructure to learn things about them. Anyone who can get into your same school is probably your age and, regardless of background, almost certainly your equal. Once you leave school, unless you enter a highly age-stratified field, that's over. Depending on where you live and what job you land, even finding people your own age will take a lot more work then it did during your school days.

Focus on your goals. Graduating with decent grades is clearly one of them, but if finding a long-term relationship is another and your weekends leave you with time to spare, maybe ask a friend to fix you up. If nothing else, some casual dating will be good practice for later when the pressure's on.
Dec 10, 2015 DRF commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: My Fuckbuddy, My Cousin.
I wouldn't go that far, venomlash. One study showed that a fifteenth cousin is exactly the right genetic distance for maximum health in offspring. But yeah, reproducing with a non-first cousin shouldn't be that big of a deal so long as it isn't a multi-generational habit (check out the Hapsburgs).

But all that's about having healthy children. Who says that this divorced person wants children (or wants more children)?

Does anyone else here think that maybe it was the incestuous-but-not-really forbidden nature of this relationship that was what kept LW so interested?
Dec 10, 2015 DRF commented on Savage Love.
@47, it's the combination of sex with money that's the problem. Like I said, there have been psychological studies showing that people put action-for-money in one category and action-for-loyalty/other-emotional-reason in another. Maintenance sex would be in the second category, not the first.
@49, actually selling the work of one's hands is more common than selling the work of one's brain.
Dec 10, 2015 DRF commented on Savage Love.
Two amendments: "SpRankle," sorry.
Social conservatives probably engage in more wishful thinking than social progressives, but is that really where we want to copy them? "The world should work this way, so let's ignore how it does work" usually doesn't help, no matter whose red or blue mouth it comes from.
Dec 10, 2015 DRF commented on Savage Love.
Once again a social progressive says "Well we really shouldn't think this way, so let's pretend it's not true!" Spankle is engaging in a huge amount of wishful thinking. Prostitutes face violence and stigma because sex is different from other services and while I can't speak for this particular client, the whole culture is conditioned to believe that people who perform sex acts for money deserve to be treated like property ("I'm paying you, so you have to do X and Y and I don't have to show you any respect, the way I would if this were a favor or subject to prevailing etiquette"). Thousands of years of culture don't go away. Also, let's say that sex should just be considered just another saleable service: Consider recent psychological studies showing that people place emotionally motivated and payment-motivated services in two different categories. (Example: You'd pick up a friend at the airport for free, but you'd be insulted if they offered to pay you $2 for it.)

Like it or not, introducing money into sex or sex into money changes the experience, and telling SOTEMPTED to act like the stigma is solely a silly holdover is reckless and could do him considerable harm.
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