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Apr 2 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Affairs We Don't Hear About.
@25: "So divorce and live together. "

What would doing that actually look like?

Presumably what the non-sexual partner wanted out of the marriage was to remain married while also remaining non-sexual. Instead that person finds (in this case him-)self expelled from the relationship while still under the same roof. And both would have to deal with the new relationships that the former spouse is bringing into their life. Not to mention into the house -- sure, that's going to seem really stable to the kids -- or else keeping carefully off-premises.

Meanwhile, you're still halving each person's assets such as bank account, 401K, automobile ownership/taxes/use privileges. Who pays the mortgage? Is one person now a renter while the other keeps the house?

"So divorce and live together" is an oversimplification. It would basically be retaining all the complications of being married while adding on all the complications of being divorced, while forfeiting a good deal of the freedoms that come with divorcing.

I'm never going to tell someone, "You are in the wrong for doing what works for you. You need to just divorce instead."
Mar 22 avast2006 commented on .
Friend might be right about Hubby's reaction, given the rest of his cartoonish Type-A-isms. And she may be right about subs liking that sort of thing as fitting into their submissiveness (though as far as that goes, "please may I service you?" can take any form from licking her body parts to doing her taxes).

But she's way off base regarding the rest of the male population, in terms of it being a submissive thing in its essence. Rather, it's a thing that people fit into their own worldview however they want. Including the two examples in paragraph one.
Mar 9 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Drunken Demand.
Drunky seems to have forgotten that a sexual experience involves two people, and _both_ of them have to think it's a good idea, or else it's less than consent.

Also, it's kinda important that both people enjoy the experience, not to mention and the aftermath, and it sure sounds like with her, both are going to be pretty miserable.
Mar 7 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Sexlessish Marriage Less Sexless During Affair.
@128: "Nowhere in her letter does she say she'd be unwilling to open the relationship for him, too. It doesn't read as if his having other partners has even occurred to her."

The default assumption is monogamy, or else it wouldn't be called cheating. In the absence of proactive measures to the contrary, the default monogamy rules are still in place for the non-cheating partner. If you are already having other partners yourself, but the possibility of your partner breaking the rules in the very same way you already are breaking them hadn't even occurred to you, then you are assuming they are operating under the default rules, which is to say, you are assuming monogamy for them, even while you choose the opposite for yourself. That isn't openness and willingness.

At best, you're an astoundingly self-centered excuse for a human being.
Mar 1 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Box Under the Bed.
@78: "No, it is not a crime to organize sex toys for someone who gave you a key to their house. Nor is it a crime to leave a suggestive note for said person. It is not a crime to text that someone. And it's not a crime to make that someone feel funny inside and grossed out."

No, but all of the above are a stellar way to go out of business in a goddamned hurry, because all of the above, while arguably not illegal, make your customers loathe you. For good reason. It's slimy as hell.

Are you the contractor, or the friend?

Mar 1 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
Dan! Your response to KISSES was in the passive voice! Any writer worth his salt knows that passive voice is to be avoided even more than cliches.
Feb 27 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Box Under the Bed.
I can't decide whether he's a thief or not, because it would take an exceptionally stupid thief to leave a note saying, "Hey, I went through your most private stuff." But it should be clear that he ransacked your whole place for interesting materiel. Neatly, to be sure, but nonetheless, you can be quite sure he went through everything. You probably better look for missing valuables.

Might be wise to look for cameras, too.

Friend is a moron, and needs an intervention. Even discounting (purely for the sake of argument) the possibility of the cleaner guy being a predator, leaving a suggestive note for your client is incredibly unprofessional and astronomically out of bounds for a cleaning service. That's true even if he leaves it on the dining room table, let alone tucked neatly into your stash of intimate gear. So what if the poor, hapless prankster got fired? Awww, poor him. He deserves to be fired, instantly. Also as much public shaming as you can heap on him, to save other victims from his bullshit. He needs to find a different line of business.
Feb 17 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
When someone describes her past using terms like "badgered" and "pressured" and "wanted to save her marriage," what you do NOT do is secretly hope she enjoyed it. What you do is believe her.

She was describing something that was arguably rape. You don't secretly hope, on her behalf, that being raped was actually kind of nice. That's really fucked up. I understand what you were aiming at -- nobody should actively hope someone they love had a miserable time, either -- but still, swing and a miss, Dan.

Being afraid that she actually liked the cuckolding scene is not the same thing as hoping she had a shitty time getting raped. CINOVA probably would have preferred that it hadn't happened at all. And if you take his girlfriend at her word, that's what she would have preferred too.

To be fair, his attitude does have a whole lot of wrongheadedness in it. Chiefly, not taking her at her word when she described her experience. Second, a sense of shaming her for participating in this thing that she was coerced into and which is now potentially going to cost her the next boyfriend, too. Third, that she told him about this in direct response to a story he himself was telling, about an impending threesome at some party. (Why was that line edited out in the weekly version?) She wasn't testing him, she probably thought he was testing her.
Feb 16 avast2006 commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Ex Files.
@11: "I think she may need to grieve a lost child, with his/her father"]

She's being massively unreasonable. If "a lost child" is the way she sees it, then she's trying to get him to grieve with her over the "child" that she herself would have killed, had the miscarriage not solved things for her. She told him that herself. You can't have it both ways.

I suggest she find a counselor to work this out with. Dragging him into it at this late date is fucking with the heads of everyone in the situation, especially the two new relationship partners.
Feb 12 avast2006 commented on Savage Love.
The sentence in question seems to be this one: "A trans woman active in campus queer politics confronted me today. Ze had seen my boyfriend's Tumblr (!) and recognized me (!!!)."

If one interprets the parenthetical exclamation marks as indicating dismay at being found out, then yes, one who doesn't want to be found out is kind of stupid to post their sex life on the internet. That knife cuts both ways. "If you don't want to be triggered, don't read it" is the flip side of "If you don't want to be caught, don't post it," because both hinge on the idea that the information is freely available to anyone with enough fingers to manage to type a URL.

On the other hand, those exclamation points could well be expressions of amazed frustration. The first one being expanded to ("It's not like I texted cock-shots at zir/asshat; ze/asshat had to type in the fucking URL...!)" and the second as "(ze/asshat had to do some serious sleuthing to "recognize" me from a faceless naked body shot...!!!)"