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Aug 9, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
Unless the wife's some kind of combat expert, they could calmly stop her and tell her to leave or they'll call the cops. I'm pretty sure mall security and bouncers handle crazy women all the time.
Most of them handle it by just arresting the man:…

Simpler that way.
Aug 7, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
"This is certainly the pot calling the kettle black. ..."

I know I'm biased procrastibator (heh, great name) but to me it felt like the iron pot calling the chrome kettle black: I at least tried to stick with what the LW told us.
Aug 7, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
Maybe, in part, because her mom supported her skewed view. Funny. The people who warned her she was walking off a cliff were reviled. The ones who knew and said nothing and then rushed to console her after she hit the bottom, crushed, were treated like saints.
That's fairly common to the parental alienation cases that I've seen, Alanmt. Such conduct reinforces the bond between the enablers and the child, and the parent who tries to help is portrayed as uncaring of their feelings or pushy or demanding. It's a very effective technique, and it is very frequently reinforced by therapists because they tend to over-value the parent who listens, consoles and talks, and under-value the parent who points out a binary choice set or wants linear thinking or direct problem-solving. It's one of the reasons that men tend to fare so badly at the hands of marital or family therapists or court-appointed assessors. Put bluntly, if the issue is whether the tub is too hot or not therapists love the folks who talk about how hot the tub should be and how it feels, and hate those who say, "either get in or out of the tub" or "hey, maybe you'd be happier in the shower".
Aug 7, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
"One of my concerns is that brother25's rigid stance has made it less likely that brother25 will listen to him and that as a result brother25's valid criticisms will be less likely to sink in." On that we are in full agreement. One of the pardoxes in dealing with a teenager is that when we most clearly see a pit opening up in front of them we are at our most assertive in trying to yell them away from it, and that assertiveness just causes them to speed up rather than listen. It isn't helped by the fact that the pop- and meta-cultures for the most part encourage teenagers to believe that their parents (or elders in general) are complete idiots who will be proven wrong in the end.
Aug 7, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
@54 - Really? I would have thought it was a mistake to assume noble motives in someone who wants to fuck an underage boy when that boy is still mourning the death of his parents.

Hey, maybe I'm wrong. But if I'm wrong the lad loses out on one sexual partner. If you're wrong then you've let the wolf in the fold.

And, no, I'm not making assumptions. As with every other poster in every other thread, ever, I am going with what the LW says unless there's a reason to doubt. And I'm going with over twenty years professional experience in shitbags and liars and families good and bad and that experience is lighting up my warning panel like a fucking christmas tree.

Look, take a moment from handing condoms and best wishes to the boyfriend and use your loaf for one minute. You think that the LW is homophobic. How likely is that when the LW chose to seek out for advice one of the best known gay men in North America, a man who got famous by advocating for the widest possible sexual freedom? Seriously, Allen, use your fucking head. You're the one making the assumptions here, and in the face of the obvious.
Aug 7, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
"Dating assholes and being burned by them is how one learns not to date assholes, generally." Oh, that, but listening to people around you who are better at asshole-spotting is an even better way. Problem is, most of us (myself included and especially) suck at that for those formative years. ;)

It's one of the reasons why I have such a soft spot for brother15, Alanmt, and and such a distaste for the BF: went through a variant of this myself once, and would have saved myself a lot of grief if I had listened to the folks who cared about me rather than the sexual partner with a selfish agenda. Same sort of dynamic, too, just in a het rather than gay context: I saw the accurate criticisms of the sex partner as a criticism of my sexuality and my right to it and the rightness of it rather than being clear-eyed about the Whom of it all.
Aug 7, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
"Dating assholes and being burned by them is how one learns not to date assholes, generally."

Generally. And brother15 is entitled to that. He's also entitled to do it at a less vulnerable time, and without the asshole driving a wedge between him and the one family member that he's got left.
Aug 7, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
oh, and brother15, one other thing, if I may (and if you're reading this). Have you ever heard the Latin phrase cui bono? It means "who benefits?", and, in a wider sense, "who gets what out of what is happening?"

What does your BF get? Unrestricted access to a 15 year old emotionally vulnerable "hottie" who he can fuck without interference. What does your brother get? More responsibility and possibly more conflict with you as he tries to do the right thing. Who do YOU think gives a shit about you and who do you think is serving their own ends? And if any of this goes south or gets ugly, who do you think will be there for you?
Aug 7, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
@47: Sound advice. Brother15 needs to know that Brother25 cares about him and why he's worried. There's a world of difference between "I disapprove of your sexuality" and "your BF is a jerk who's using you".

Brother15: I think that your brother is the latter, but I'd bet good money that your BF is doing his damnedest to sell you on the former. Why? Because if you buy that then he gets to fuck you: it's that simple. If you listen to your brother's concerns then he doesn't get to fuck you, so naturally he's going to try and convince you of whatever he needs to in order to peel you away from your brother. And listening to some variant of Allen Gilliam's "oh, he's not `family'" [@8] or dismissing his new responsibilities with what is, in effect "he's not your real dad so you don't have to listen!" are both tools to that end.

Look, your brother becoming your de facto "dad" is tremendously difficult and you have my sympathy and best wishes, along with, no doubt, pretty much everybody on this thread. Well, almost everybody.
Aug 7, 2013 seeker6079 commented on Savage Love.
@45: First, brother25 is brother15's legal guardian: the legal term is in loco parentis, which means standing in the place of a parent, with all of the attendant responsibilities.

Second, I think that you're playing a get-out-of-decency free card for the BF based solely on his sexuality. Brother15 is gay, ergo his choice of boyfriend is sound, ergo the BF is good for him, ergo the BF's douchebag territoriality, discourtesy and disrespect are all a noble struggle against homophobia (cue heroic music), ergo brother25's dislike of the jerkwad with no manners is, in fact, nasty homophobia and all his other concerns are of no consequence because, hey, he's bad (cue music from Deliverance).

You're basically arguing that this douchebag should have a free and uninterrupted fuck-run at a fifteen year old who just lost his parents while he and his brother try and figure out their new and fragile relationship during that period of grief and difficult adjustment. That's not noble, AG, that's peeling out a weak and vulnerable member of the herd and running interference on the one moving to protect him. That has exactly fuck all to do with gay or straight, and a lot to do with self-centered lust that verges on predatory. If you think that a young man's being able to fuck an emotionally vulnerable boy under the age of consent is more important than that boy's family who cares about him, however imperfectly handled, then you are seriously, seriously fucked up and beneath contempt.

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