Nov 29, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Live In Nope
Oh, and about "compassion".
Compassion is great, but it can manifest in different ways. Compassion that allows and encourages wallowing is not really very useful, or very nice. Sometimes people need to be told "Stop flailing around with that hammer. It's hitting other people, and swinging around and hitting you - you are hurting everyone".
The sooner this guy realizes that everyone is tired of his hurt feelings he'll also realize that he too is tired of them, and will stop nursing and nurturing them and keeping them alive.
Nov 29, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Live In Nope
Hon, you're not even accepting Dan's advice, and you don't know him or feel you have any claim on him. If this is how you "accept her decision", I'm surprised she doesn't run like the wind from the sight of you.
People can, yes, be friends with exes. But not right away. First they have to let them be exes for a while. If you actually want to keep her as a friend, go away and come back in a year. Yes, I said "a year", not "a week".
Nov 29, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: She Done Dumped Me Wrong
You don't have PTSD, you have hurt feelings.
Justifiably - you've just been dumped, and that hurts. Especially when it comes from out of the blue, and you were happy.
Be nice to yourself (which includes not rubbing salt in the wound by staying in contact with her) and when it doesn't sting quite so much, get back out there.
You are hurting her, and you are hurting yourself, with your behaviour, cut it out. It's just a broken heart, we've all had them, and we've all gotten over them.
Nov 9, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Her Husband Voted For Trump (She Thinks) And She Wants Out
My tubal was an outpatient procedure - I had a general anesthetic, but the whole thing was about four hours from walking in the door to walking out. Yeah, it's more serious than a man getting a snip, but it's also not a huge big deal. And that was 25 years ago, it's probably easier now, with lasers.
As for advice, I'd say get out sooner rather than later. Don't depend on him being a partner in getting you started in a new life. If you have people who will help you, don't be proud, take their help. You can always pay them back later.
Nov 3, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: WOES Gets It, JABBER Doesn't Get It (But Doesn't Mind)
It's actually really good for your kid to see non-sexual intimacy between the two of you - there is zero need to cut back on that stuff just because there's a kid in the house.
My husband and I raised two kids, and while yes, that does mean some changes to your sex life at times, it doesn't mean you need to go straight to "nothing at all". You can have valuable one on one time with your kid, valuable family time, AND valuable sex with your spouse - you might have to choose in the moment, but over the course of the month, there is room for all. We also had crazy schedules and much travel, but all that means is that sometimes the two of you are alone in the house at two in the afternoon on a Tuesday - stop unpacking and doing laundry (things you can do with your kid around, or even with your kid) and use that time to put a little back into the intimacy jar.
Try doubling up on some of this - doing chores together also counts as family time, for example, as does snuggling with your spouse on the couch while working on your kid's exposure to classic movies.
Oct 27, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Mom's Boundless Boundary Issues
Boundaries aren't something other people have for you, they are something you have, and maintain.
So the problem here is not your mother's boundaries, but yours. Set them, and enforce them.
You don't have to answer questions that you don't want to. You don't have to tell your mother about your sex life or your drug use. You don't have to leave your phone around without password protection. You are not a child, and you don't have to act like one.
If you were staying with someone not your parents - a well off distant relative, say, who has some room and doesn't mind putting up a poor young person for a bit - you would repay their hospitality by being clean, by doing little errands and chores, and by providing a reasonable amount of companionship. You wouldn't be involving them in the details of your personal life.
You can deal with your parents on the same basis. But to establish that basis is not your parents' job, it's yours, because you are the person who wants it. Looks like your mother would be happy to have you stay a dependent child forever, so since you don't want that, it's up to you to change the dynamic.
Oct 21, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Guys Keep Putting Him In "The Bottom Zone"
Looking at this from the perspective of a hetero woman, it all seems to boil down to "Your boyfriend is an asshole" - it's one of those things we het woman get pretty good at spotting.
You let him know how you feel, and he's been dismissive and defensive. The reaction of a non-asshole would be something like "I didn't realize you felt that way, of course we'll have to take turns or otherwise mix things up more" not "that's not my problem".
Oct 5, 2016
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Equilateral Triad
@ 18 Citation please.
And no, studies only looking at family models currently practiced in the US are, while part of the knowledge we have on this issue, far from the whole story, so if that's all you've got, it's not good enough.
I am a heterosexual woman, biological mother to my two children, who I raised in a traditionally-styled nuclear family. I stayed home with the kids, breastfeeding, gardening, sewing, cooking and baking while my husband went out to earn a living. Once the kids were in school, I took a part time job working in a daycare (for fifteen years) that allowed me to be home for my own kids after school.
Through my own experience, and watching and participating in the experiences of other families (both professionally and the families of my friends, in that female shary world of early motherhood) I think I have some credentials to speak on this subject. (also of course have professional training, family members and friends who specialize in this subject so we talk about it constantly, etc etc, but yeah, I do know what I'm talking about)
And hon, except for breastfeeding, which I agree is a biological function, "Women/Mothers are innately endowed by biology to be the nurturing parent." is one whole lotta hooey.
Nurturing is learned. Parent/child bonding comes through caring for the child, not through some magic of x chromosomes.
I'll assume that you're male, and that you are a father. That your wife raised your kids, and that you marvel at how she seemed to "just know" what to do. I'll also assume that she was at home with that child with the primary responsibility for its intimate care, while you were out slaying mastodons or whatever you did to bring home the bacon. So the baby is five days old, and crying, and she knows how to calm it! Miracle of biology! Well, no. Even though those five days went by pretty quickly for you, and you interacted with the baby for maybe three hours in that time, she had already, by that time, comforted and calmed that child on the order of (let's see, for a newborn say once every two hours.... five days are (24X5) 120 hours) sixty times. You'd done it, tops, ten. OF COURSE she was better at it than you, ya putz. And that gap just kept steamrolling.
Now she may have helped sell you that line. A woman right after childbirth is in a highly vulnerable condition, and if it cements her job security to make sure everyone thinks she's the only one who can do the job, I'm not gonna fault her.
I hope the way you did things in your family worked out for you, your wife, and your kids. We found the traditional family model to be, on the whole, a good one, ourselves. For us. For another family, it might have been a disaster. Please don't confuse finding a solution that works well for you with knowing how other people should live their lives.
Sep 29, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Tweet Storm of Excellent Advice
@ 14 "explicitly telling a woman that you're only interested in having sex with them"
A good place to start would be taking a long look at why this fits, in your mind, into the "not nice" category.
I think you might have some ideas about women and sex that were, admittedly, fed to you by the media, but that don't actually reflect reality.