Oct 21, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Guys Keep Putting Him In "The Bottom Zone"
Looking at this from the perspective of a hetero woman, it all seems to boil down to "Your boyfriend is an asshole" - it's one of those things we het woman get pretty good at spotting.
You let him know how you feel, and he's been dismissive and defensive. The reaction of a non-asshole would be something like "I didn't realize you felt that way, of course we'll have to take turns or otherwise mix things up more" not "that's not my problem".
Oct 5, 2016
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Equilateral Triad
@ 18 Citation please.
And no, studies only looking at family models currently practiced in the US are, while part of the knowledge we have on this issue, far from the whole story, so if that's all you've got, it's not good enough.
I am a heterosexual woman, biological mother to my two children, who I raised in a traditionally-styled nuclear family. I stayed home with the kids, breastfeeding, gardening, sewing, cooking and baking while my husband went out to earn a living. Once the kids were in school, I took a part time job working in a daycare (for fifteen years) that allowed me to be home for my own kids after school.
Through my own experience, and watching and participating in the experiences of other families (both professionally and the families of my friends, in that female shary world of early motherhood) I think I have some credentials to speak on this subject. (also of course have professional training, family members and friends who specialize in this subject so we talk about it constantly, etc etc, but yeah, I do know what I'm talking about)
And hon, except for breastfeeding, which I agree is a biological function, "Women/Mothers are innately endowed by biology to be the nurturing parent." is one whole lotta hooey.
Nurturing is learned. Parent/child bonding comes through caring for the child, not through some magic of x chromosomes.
I'll assume that you're male, and that you are a father. That your wife raised your kids, and that you marvel at how she seemed to "just know" what to do. I'll also assume that she was at home with that child with the primary responsibility for its intimate care, while you were out slaying mastodons or whatever you did to bring home the bacon. So the baby is five days old, and crying, and she knows how to calm it! Miracle of biology! Well, no. Even though those five days went by pretty quickly for you, and you interacted with the baby for maybe three hours in that time, she had already, by that time, comforted and calmed that child on the order of (let's see, for a newborn say once every two hours.... five days are (24X5) 120 hours) sixty times. You'd done it, tops, ten. OF COURSE she was better at it than you, ya putz. And that gap just kept steamrolling.
Now she may have helped sell you that line. A woman right after childbirth is in a highly vulnerable condition, and if it cements her job security to make sure everyone thinks she's the only one who can do the job, I'm not gonna fault her.
I hope the way you did things in your family worked out for you, your wife, and your kids. We found the traditional family model to be, on the whole, a good one, ourselves. For us. For another family, it might have been a disaster. Please don't confuse finding a solution that works well for you with knowing how other people should live their lives.
Sep 29, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: A Tweet Storm of Excellent Advice
@ 14 "explicitly telling a woman that you're only interested in having sex with them"
A good place to start would be taking a long look at why this fits, in your mind, into the "not nice" category.
I think you might have some ideas about women and sex that were, admittedly, fed to you by the media, but that don't actually reflect reality.
Sep 15, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: He Wears Short Shorts
I'm an editor on a website that uses user-submitted content.
This is not fake. It looks like about 25% of our submissions.
And it's not foreign. On the whole, submissions from people who do not have English as their first language are on par with those of native English speakers. You get a little unusual verb usage, and that's about it.
Jul 12, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Stray Text Message Outs Wrong Parent
@4 Heh. A while ago I was making a joke while on the phone to my grown son, and said something that could have been taken to mean that I was proposing he have sex with me - which was NOT the meaning I had intended. The silence on the other end of the phone, followed by his very careful "Excuse me?" is something I'll never forget.
Jul 7, 2016
commented on Baker Refuses to Make a Cake for a Same-Sex Couple
Around here, there are a lot of semi-professional cake bakers who operate out of their own kitchens (not sure how that squares with health regulations....) They're bakers, I suppose, but they don't actually have bakeries, if by bakery you mean an actual shop with actual ovens behind, and glass cases, and middle aged women with strong accents and mustaches to wait on you..... All the girls who were really good at crafts in Girl Guides, who are now home with kids and want to make a few extra bucks now and then, seem to be doing this.
Jun 18, 2016
commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Weeded Out
It doesn't really matter if his weed use is a problem or not, because it is a problem for her. So she needs some help in finding clarity. Is it good for her to let go of this? Is there actually a problem that she isn't letting herself see about his weed use (or about his lying?)? Is the problem her behaviour, or his, or something in between? She needs to take the focus off of what he's doing, and put it on what she is doing - that will force a shift in the dynamic that will tell her a lot of things she really needs to know.