commented on Savage Love
TWTQ, I am in agreement with what @35 & @36 said.
I, sadly, am in a similar marriage. I knew him 2.5 years by the time we got married, but never lived with him, which was a big mistake. I wasn't happy, but figured things would change. They did, and it would get better for awhile and then just revert back.
I made the mistake of buying a house, fortunately, in my name only as his credit is a joke. However, I was not smart and did put his name on one of my credit cards, which he ruined. He lost his job, though I had been begging him for months to find something else and after it happened, he admitted I was right.
He, too, lay around the house, doing not much. He admits to depression, but there is no money for him to get help and he won't look for free help. He didn't work at more than the smallest part-time job for two years. But I was too much of an idiot to do something about it. Because I didn't want my friends and family to think I was a loser. But I am a loser because I have tolerated this so-called marriage for 10 years.
I pay for 85% of our expenses. I work 80 hours a week at two jobs. He has managed to find some more work, but it still isn't much and I constantly have to give him money, so I guess I end up paying for most of our pathetic lifestyle. Our sex life has deteriorated to nothing and I have no desire anyway because all I do is work with a broken down house to show for it.
I wish someone had told me to move out in the early months or years before things got so difficult to separate. I agree that you should kick him out, though first you should call a legal hotline or ask some free legal service what kind of shit you can expect by doing that. I do agree that he may be clinically depressed, for the variety of reasons you gave AND because the reality of marriage is pretty overwhelming.
Maybe he does want out like Dan said, but I don't really think that is it. Some people are just like him and my husband. They are seemingly good people, but they are lazy and will just go along doing WHAT THEY WANT. It doesn't matter how much they love you, it never will. You shouldn't be married to someone that will not hold up at least 50% of expenses and housework. That I can say with complete authority.
Before you do anything else, tell him you think he is depressed and needs to seek help. If he still blows you off, then at least you tried. Kicking him out will be a good shock to his system. You didn't marry him to be his mother. Let him pay his own way or live in his car. It will be kinder to do this to him now that let the years roll by like I have. Maybe he will snap out of it eventually and you won't have to divorce him. But don't take him back until he gets a decent job and admits he is depressed and/or an asshole AND goes with you to talk to someone about what marriage should be. Good luck.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: They Make Vibrating Hairbrushes?
@6 - totally agree. Few teenagers want an adult, no matter how beloved, to help with their sex life. If they do, then they will ask.
I make an exception, however, when they leave for college. I packed two boxes for my twin god-daughters full of college care package-type things. The boxes were not small. At the very bottom (easy to overlook if parents' snooped) I included a variety box of condoms, variety box of lube (I wrapped these two) and "Savage Love: Straight Answers from America's Most Popular Sex Columnist." I told them very emphatically not to open it around their parents, to wait until their parents left their dorm rooms. I got thanked for the boxes, but there was no discussion of the contents by either side. I like to hope the copy of "Savage Love" was thoroughly read and made the rounds of the dorm.
I have another god-daughter going to college in two years and I plan to do the same thing for her.
commented on Where's Woofus?
Thanks for letting us know. And for going to so much trouble to make sure Woofus got what he needed.
commented on Today In the East Carolinian
Ain't it the truth, Dan, ain't it the truth.
I wrote at least two awful things when I worked for the college newspaper, God forbid the archives ever get digitized...of course, one of them didn't have my name on it, but if it had been written today, I have no doubt I would have been hunted down and lynched.
commented on Slog Poll: Are You a Super Reader?
@4 - Thanks for this, I understand now why a lot of my friends say they read their books on their phones. I just didn't get it before. I understand e-readers, but phones are tiny...? but if you're reading on the sly, using your phone, then, hmm, maybe I need to upgrade my phone. Genius.
@6 - If you're still in school, you get a pass and an automatic "I've read" 50 books a year credit.
@7 - No, picture books don't count, however, have you considered reading "chapter books" to your kids at bedtime? "Little House on the Prairie" books? "Land of Oz" books (there are 10+ of them)? or Beatrix Potter (can buy big book with all of them in it).
@16 - Yes, I think graphic novels count, manga, etc.
commented on Cardinal Dolan to Gay Couples: "You're Entitled to Friendship."
@17 - maybe Newt went through/paid for the Catholic procedure to have previous marriages annulled. Yes, it is possible. You fill out a bunch of paperwork, pay money for it to be reviewed, beg your friends and family to also fill out reams of paperwork explaining what they witnessed and you can have your marriage annulled! I have a friend who wanted to marry a Catholic and so she had to do this. In her defense, her first marriage had a lot of things wrong with it which she did not know when she married him (closet gay and an alcoholic), so she gets a pass, but I doubt Newt could could up with anything to invalidate his first two marriages.