Crinoline
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Feb 2 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Crying Game.
I remember a letter from some time ago in which a woman wrote in that she satisfied her husband's diaper/baby fetish though it didn't turn her on, and all she wanted was some vanilla sex for her. Dan's answer was that he was shocked. He wasn't shocked by the baby fetish because he's not shocked by any fetish. He was shocked that the guy who had found the rare woman who was okay with the fetish wasn't doing everything he could to keep her. All she was asking was for a little vanilla sex in return, and he wasn't willing to do even that.

I'm sure someone will correct me by siting the exact column, but I think I have the basics correct. This sounds like the same thing. The LW does say that she loves her husband, but the theme this week is that love does not conquer all. Sex does not conquer all. There's still all the stuff about children, conflict, debt, housework, illness, loans, responsibility, somewhere to live, work, etc.
Feb 2 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: The Crying Game.
43 and 47 are getting at what I was thinking. My first thought on marriage is that it's 2 people going through life together meeting the needs of life. The work doesn't have to be shared absolutely equally, but it does need to be shared. That's making money, caring for children, doing housework, keeping each other happy sexually. My question when reading the original letter was was what he was doing to be her partner in life. Does he step up when she's sick? Is he contributing to her happiness in small ways? When she needs a break from the kids, is he wiping up puke, settling squabbles, reading the same bedtime story for the 40th time, doing a mountain of laundry including the poopy diaper pail? Because if she'd given any indication that he was a wonderful husband, father and friend in all other regards except for this one fetish, I'd be open to having another opinion, but as it is, I'm with the chorus. DTMFA.
Jan 31 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Debt and the Maiden.
236-- Yes, I know.
Jan 31 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Debt and the Maiden.
You're both engineers? Why didn't you say so? Engineers are an entirely different kettle of otherwise colored horses. You'll have no trouble staying married for the long term. Other than some rigidity and stubborness, engineers make the best partners. I'd say "good luck," but you don't need it. You'll do fine.
Jan 30 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Debt and the Maiden.
Dear Dan,

I'm engaged to a great guy, but when he applied for a mortgage on the house we're to guy together, he discovered that I had quite a bit of debt stemming from my college loan days, debt I didn't even know I had. I knew I was borrowing a lot for college, never dreamed I'd be in the financial mess I'm in now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to pay it off on my own. Even with him helping with his high paying job, it will take us years and years to pay this off together.

When he found out, he didn't throw a fit or anything, but I could tell he was angry or hurt. He didn't blame me for keeping it from him. I think he knows I'm just in over my head.

My question is: What do I do? I love him, but he's right that this amount of debt will significantly impact the life we had planned. It means years of paying it off and maybe not being able to afford the children we both want. I don't want to do that to him. I don't want to do that to anybody. What am I supposed to do? Never marry? Look forward to a life of slogging through paying for what I now see was a mistake I made when I was 18, 19, 20, and 21 years old? Don't get the idea I partied through school. I was a good student, maybe not the prizewinning best, maybe not Nobel prize in the sciences sort, but no slacker either. I just don't have the qualifications to get a high enough paying job to pay this off.

I wouldn't say I was depressed, but sometimes suicide seems like the only way to get out of this mess. I can't look forward to any sort of life with this hanging around my neck. Help! What do I do?
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Jan 29 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Debt and the Maiden.
A woman meets a man she has a lot in common with. He's employed, handsome, kind, smart, wants the same number of children she wants, etc. They marry, and everything's going well until the day he's in a freak car wreck which renders him disabled for the rest of his life, scarcely able to hold a conversation much less a job. Let's give this a more-or-less happy ending. Let's say she steps up, takes care of her husband while supporting the family and the kids. This isn't what she signed up for, but she knows life throws shit at us, and she does all the right things to honor her commitment to him.

That's different from going around to nursing homes to find a disabled retarded guy and marrying him because life can be tough. It's different entering into an arrangement where you have a 10% chance of losing as opposed to a 100% chance.

I hope I didn't give the impression when I wrote before that LW should go for it and marry Maiden despite the debt because life's a gamble anything could happen in the future. In this case, he has a 100% chance of knowing that she's in a lot of debt-- even if a lot of other people are in the same situation and it's not entirely their own fault.
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Jan 29 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Debt and the Maiden.
57-Cat-- Thanks. And the other thing I was going to put at the end:

PRE-NUP
Jan 29 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Debt and the Maiden.
Another consideration-- Let's say they marry and Maiden agrees to the austerity measure that will make it possible for her debt to be paid off. She got into this mess through ignorance, not malice. What's to say that she doesn't remain ignorant for the future. I foresee a situation where LW has to monitor every bit of money she has access to. He'll have to give her an allowance of just enough cash for her to be able to buy a paperback and lunch, never let her apply for a credit card, do all the planning and bill paying for insurance and electricity. Otherwise he runs the risk of her accidentally and non-maliciously coming home with a pair of outrageously expensive boots that she's really saving money on because they were on sale and will go with everything. He'll have to watch her forever.

Let's rephrase the question: Am I a bad person for putting so much emphasis on money? I kinda thought that true love was supposed to conquer all, and now I feel like a rat. Further, what if I never find someone I like as well as her? I might meet someone who's financially responsible but with whom I never feel this same connection, never have such great sex with.

Here's my answer: Life's a gamble, no guarantees. You could be unhappy no matter what you choose. (You could also be happy no matter what you choose, but I'm feeling down today.) Your fiancee could saddle you with a ton of debt and also turn out to cheat, have a temper, grow fat, become disabled due to an accident, grow disinterested in sex after the children are born. (I'm choosing random examples based on letters to Dan.) I don't have an answer.

Maybe I am just feeling down today, but I was ready to say toss a coin before deciding the thing to do is to confront her, show her the letter you wrote to Dan and pay more attention to her emotional response than to her actual answer. Does she become defensive? Dismissive? Uninterested? Find out what she thinks she's signing up for, and take your answer from there. (I suppose she could become responsible and say "You're right. This is a big deal for both of us. Show me those austerity measures you figured out, and let's get started.)

(And am I the only one who's thinking Chandler and Monica?)
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Jan 23 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: Who's Your Survey Monkey? I'm Your Survey Monkey!.
In as much as all survey questions are based on unknowable hypotheticals, I think the question is brilliant. It makes as much sense as would you vote for Candidate X or Candidate Y in the primary when none of us know how either candidate will fare in the general election or will be able to keep campaign promises or what decisions will be made in the future when the possibilities for the future keep changing in unknowable ways. I'm thinking hard about my answer to whether tis better to be cheated on or to cheat. I keep coming back to option #3, leave the relationship while stating why: There's no satisfying sex here so I'm moving out and taking my chances elsewhere.
Jan 17 Crinoline commented on Savage Love Letter of the Day: I Wanna Fuck This Guy I Work With—Should I Do It?.
44- Nocute-- Good point. They're not married. I tend to conflate committed relationships in my mind, but they're not the same. With that in mind, I change my advice a little.

LW might first imagine how she'd feel if Mr. Married had those deep emotional sexual connections with lots of women, really visualize herself as one in a long line of affairs this guy was having. I'm not saying that's necessarily the case, but it sounds like it's a good possibility.

Then she should talk to Mr. Committed Relationship and say:

We've been together for so long, but have you thought about where this relationship is going, where you'd like it to go? Do we want to stay together and marry? Should we have children, make decisions together? We get along so well, but do we want to coast along like this forever? I'm not even sure what my answers to these questions are, but I thought I'd start asking them because it's not unreasonable for people in their mid-20s to think about the future on everything whether that's career, sexual partners, responsibilities, and I don't want to wake up at 40 feeling like I let my chances slide when I haven't even thought about what my chances are."

Then, for all we know, Mr. Committed may be having his doubts too. Or maybe he wants to marry and start a family. One way or the other, this is about a lot more than having an affair. It's about everything, and he should be consulted.
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