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Average-sized, average-looking guy with nice eyes and a cut body is seeking a...whoops. Wrong profile.
Apr 15
LateBloomer commented on Savage Love.
@127--As per EricaP and nocutename above, "selfish lover" actually means "generous, passionate, receptive, communicative and thoughtful." That's where I was getting confused. It does not mean "self-absorbed and entitled" after all. Who knew?
Apr 14
LateBloomer commented on Savage Love.
Crinoline--that's a pretty optimistic view. A superficial search turns up the same (old) stats of 1 in 4 college women in the US being victims of assault/attempted assault, and 85% of guys who've committed the assault not knowing that's what it was. So how does that happen? I agree that most guys have no desire to rape anyone. I like to think it's tied to socialization and is not some inherent flaw in male sexuality. If that's so, then there is going to be a social consequence to telling a lot of inexperienced guys to be assertive because that's hot. Assertiveness easily becomes entitlement, and notions of consent might get a little fuzzy. More than they already are, I mean.
@nocutename, EricaP: speaking of fuzzy, I think I might be imagining something different than you when I use the word "assertive". To me it is synonymous with "pushy". Or "dickhead". What you both describe just sounds normal to me.
And Mydriasis @111, sounds great in theory, but what if you've realized that who you are isn't very attractive? Either you accept your lot in life or you try to improve yourself, for which you'll need some general guidelines. Like what women find attractive.
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@nocutename, EricaP: speaking of fuzzy, I think I might be imagining something different than you when I use the word "assertive". To me it is synonymous with "pushy". Or "dickhead". What you both describe just sounds normal to me.
And Mydriasis @111, sounds great in theory, but what if you've realized that who you are isn't very attractive? Either you accept your lot in life or you try to improve yourself, for which you'll need some general guidelines. Like what women find attractive.
Apr 13
LateBloomer commented on Savage Love.
@107 EricaP: A lot of women? Hell if I know, you're asking the wrong guy. My screen name was not chosen randomly. I do know there is at least one woman in this world who enjoys sex mostly silently, yes.
Apr 13
LateBloomer commented on Savage Love.
@104 Okay, that makes a lot of sense. So "assertive" comes with a bunch of caveats. Fair enough. And it has to be the right kind of assertive. For you.
I'm really intrigued by the various contradictory pieces of advice a guy gleans growing up and has to hammer into some sort of consistent behavior (assuming, of course, that he gives a shit, and I'm starting to wonder how many actually do). I totally identify with the boyfriend of the letter writer above. Poor bastard is probably trying to channel his sexual energy in a way that he was told is the Right Thing To Do, and it's not doing him any favors. Or maybe it did at the start but it's not now, and something has to change. But telling a guy to be selfish because assertiveness is sexy is sailing into verrrry dangerous waters. That's not really a message you want to be getting out to, say, college freshmen, or socially challenged men in general, unless you want to see incidents of date rape start spiking.
I'm really intrigued by the various contradictory pieces of advice a guy gleans growing up and has to hammer into some sort of consistent behavior (assuming, of course, that he gives a shit, and I'm starting to wonder how many actually do). I totally identify with the boyfriend of the letter writer above. Poor bastard is probably trying to channel his sexual energy in a way that he was told is the Right Thing To Do, and it's not doing him any favors. Or maybe it did at the start but it's not now, and something has to change. But telling a guy to be selfish because assertiveness is sexy is sailing into verrrry dangerous waters. That's not really a message you want to be getting out to, say, college freshmen, or socially challenged men in general, unless you want to see incidents of date rape start spiking.
Apr 13
LateBloomer commented on Savage Love.
@97 nocutename "I think unless we're talking about an extremely timid, naive, unassertive woman, she is capable of indicating her assent or displeasure with a man's behavior and style."
But part of being assertive and boundary-pushing is to be oblivious, or at least cavalier, about someone's displeasure, and rather than accepting it to try and talk them around. It's a rare dude that can both listen and push, and know when to do one and not the other.
Basically, boundary pushing is exciting unless it's not, in which case it's assault. You need the same character traits for both, and the difference in outcome is simply a matter of degree. Trouble is, guys who take a mischievous pleasure in pushing someone's limits are not well known for realizing when that line has been crossed. The difference can be very small indeed, or in fact non-existent where what was exciting for one woman is too far for another. And we're not even considering your assumption that most women are assertive enough to draw clear limits. That's a whole other can of worms.
But part of being assertive and boundary-pushing is to be oblivious, or at least cavalier, about someone's displeasure, and rather than accepting it to try and talk them around. It's a rare dude that can both listen and push, and know when to do one and not the other.
Basically, boundary pushing is exciting unless it's not, in which case it's assault. You need the same character traits for both, and the difference in outcome is simply a matter of degree. Trouble is, guys who take a mischievous pleasure in pushing someone's limits are not well known for realizing when that line has been crossed. The difference can be very small indeed, or in fact non-existent where what was exciting for one woman is too far for another. And we're not even considering your assumption that most women are assertive enough to draw clear limits. That's a whole other can of worms.
Apr 12
LateBloomer commented on Savage Love.
@79 seandr--As I understand it, it's sexy if guys are assertive and selfish, unless it's not, in which case it's entitled and rapey. Pretty straightforward. If in any given situation you don't know which one it is, you can just ask, which is unsexy, although not all the time. But that's something you have to figure out for yourself.
Apr 11
LateBloomer commented on SL Letter of the Day: Emission Possible.
I don't know, sounds like pegging him allowed you to find out quicker what a selfish dick he is, and to get rid of him sooner. I'd say that's a good thing.
Apr 10
LateBloomer commented on SL Letter of the Day: What Does a Boyfriend Prove?.
@26 Chelydra--"Trouble is, this is very easily mistaken for flirtation by someone who is attracted to me."
Whew. Thank you for that. I appreciate someone acknowledging that being friendly and at ease can be confusing to another who takes it as a sign of interest. No harm no foul, just an acknowledgment that it can get tricky. The tendency I find is to shrilly declare that no one owes anyone anything and it's up to the interested party to refrain from acting on non-verbal cues which are ambiguous unless they aren't.
(Btw I share your inability to act normal around someone I have a crush on. Remove the interest and I can be relaxed as all hell though--charming, even. It's annoying. Different dynamic if you're het male too, and expected to take the lead. Awk-ward.)
Whew. Thank you for that. I appreciate someone acknowledging that being friendly and at ease can be confusing to another who takes it as a sign of interest. No harm no foul, just an acknowledgment that it can get tricky. The tendency I find is to shrilly declare that no one owes anyone anything and it's up to the interested party to refrain from acting on non-verbal cues which are ambiguous unless they aren't.
(Btw I share your inability to act normal around someone I have a crush on. Remove the interest and I can be relaxed as all hell though--charming, even. It's annoying. Different dynamic if you're het male too, and expected to take the lead. Awk-ward.)
Apr 9
LateBloomer commented on Savage Love.
Hey Cocky, grab your pipe and slippers and bring your bald spot over to my place! We'll read newspapers and clear our throats a lot. It'll be a hoot! Being forty rocks!!!
Apr 8
LateBloomer commented on Savage Love.
@164 While I grasp the general point you're making, I'm saying in my oblique way that it might be worth re-examining what you consider "development". I don't believe it's as linear as you seem to think.
Or maybe it's the term "relationship" you're loading with assumptions. Hard to tell.
In other news, how thrilling it must be for you to have this discussion with someone so much older and developmentally advanced than you are. I only do it out of charity, you understand.
Now excuse me while I dispense wisdom to my kids from behind a newspaper.
Or maybe it's the term "relationship" you're loading with assumptions. Hard to tell.
In other news, how thrilling it must be for you to have this discussion with someone so much older and developmentally advanced than you are. I only do it out of charity, you understand.
Now excuse me while I dispense wisdom to my kids from behind a newspaper.
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