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Nov 22, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on SL Letter of the Day: Profile & Courage.
@59: You should keep trying to meet up with people, but if I were you, I wouldn't devote too much time to it. Right now, I think you're devoting too much time and energy to it, and your lack of returns on that investment is really getting you down. Don't message more than 3-5 women on OKCupid a week. The stuff about finding other poly people is probably the best advice, because there are relatively few single women out there who are really down for being someone's secondary. You might want to try doing some other kinds of activities.

As for your wife, you don't necessarily need to cut down on her extracurricular activities right this instant, but you do need to put her on notice that you'll need her to do so at some point. If you've only been doing it for a couple months, she may be going through a "slutty phase" where she's just marveling at the sheer bounty of booty. She'll probably tire of it of her own accord, but she'll cut down sooner if you let her know that you're lonely when she's out most nights in the week.
Nov 5, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on GOP Victories: One Chart to Explain Them All.
Here's the thing. People who are 60 years and older have a bunch of advantages when it comes to voting. Most of them are retired, so they can literally do nothing but vote on election day if they want to. Those who aren't are mostly in steady jobs in which they can get the time off to go vote. Then there's the fact that old people mostly don't move- they registered to vote at their address a decade or two ago and so their voter info packet keeps coming to the same place and they don't miss it.

Young people, on the other hand, are usually either working or going to school on Tuesdays, and many of them do not have the time off to go vote. Then you have the problem of the constantly moving young person. I'm 23. I've lived in 7 different places since I turned 18. Not really understanding how voting works when you move all the time cost me the vote twice. The first time, when I was a freshman in college and didn't understand that you couldn't just go vote at college if you weren't registered in that specific county, I thought I'd vote at school and then found that it didn't work like that. So I set myself up to vote absentee so that I wouldn't have to go to the polling place on Voting Day. Well guess what? After I moved, I forgot to change the address on my absentee ballot, so it went to the wrong address and got thrown out. So after that, I changed the address to my mother's house so she can just forward it to wherever I'm living, since she's one of those 60 or older people who hasn't moved in decades and isn't going anywhere anytime soon.

What I do not understand is why everyone sits there criticizing young people for not voting without realizing that the sheer inconvenience of voting is unbelievably stupid and totally unnecessary. I can register for a driver's license online. I can pay my bills online. I can register for student loans online. Why is it so crazy to want to vote online? Couldn't we make voting day a national holiday? Couldn't we make it compulsory for employers to give employees at least a few hours to vote?

These are all issues that much more effect young voters than old ones. It's not really that we're less motivated, but we have more chaotic lives than old people do. It's just much harder for us to figure out basically everything to do with voting.

And while I don't think that boomers should hurry up and die or anything, I do think that as a collective generation, they've kind of screwed us over.
Nov 5, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on SL Letter of the Day: Adventurous Parents.
This letter is kind of a Rorschach test, isn't it? People see what they think is there and ignore the other possibilities.

What I see are mixed signals. She says that there are things he hasn't done that he won't be able to do after having a kid, but she doesn't mention what they are. She also seems fixated on a time frame, which is definitely important, but isn't the most productive aspect to focus on. Really, they should focus on what exactly these things he thinks he can do now that he won't be able to do as a dad are and either figure out how long they'll take to accomplish pre-parenthood or figure out how they can be done post-parenthood.

Really, I think it's hard to tell whether he wants kids or not; he could just not want them and be scared to tell her, but he could also be freaking out about the responsibility now that it's actually staring him in the face. Maybe he feels he hasn't enjoyed spontaneity enough as a non-parent. I think one thing that people often fail to realize, though, is that yes, 18 years is a long time to be mostly not spontaneous, but usually, people live quite a few years after their children are grown and responsible for themselves, and there's no reason spontaneity can't return to your life in a major way at that point.
Oct 30, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on Interviews with Two Women Who Dated Jian Ghomeshi.
@51: When he says "punched repeatedly in the head with a closed fist," he's not talking about being punched on different occasions, he's talking about multiple punches in succession.
Oct 23, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on SL Letter of the Day: Another Polyproblema.
Man, this letter is a kind of Rorschach test, isn't it? We really needed to know WHY the letter writer doesn't want to be poly, and what his distinction is between poly and open.

My first reaction was that Dan is crazy because obviously, the letter-writer's problem is that he wanted to be the only committed emotional connection for his partner, which is a legit concern. But after reading the other comments, I've realized that I interpret the letter this way because it is closest to my own situation- that's my boyfriend's hard limit for how close I can get to a girl: fuckbuddy is fine, girlfriend is not fine. The idea that it's the girlfriend's gender that's the problem seems just as likely, as does the idea that the letter-writer might just be one of those hypocrites who is fine with fucking around themselves but doesn't like it when his partner does it. Even the idea that the relationship with the girlfriend predates the letter writer's seems completely plausible.

Luckily, all these problems basically have the same solution: figure out what it is that's bothering you specifically, figure out why it's bothering you, decide whether that's a legitimate reason, and then discuss your findings with the partner. Some of the theories are rational problems, some are irrational problems. The emotional connection one is legitimate, but strategically, the best you can hope for is that he'll agree to scale that relationship back to a less committed status. Asking for him to break it off would probably doom your own relationship. Same advice if his relationship with her predates yours and he's actually trying to tell you that you're NOT his primary. At that point, at least you'll know. If you just don't like him sleeping with someone else, tell him that you're having some jealousy problems right now and you would appreciate him coddling you a bit by not telling you so much about his outside hookups (since you could do with hearing less about it from him). If it's her gender, that's also kind of irrational, but the conversation you have needs to be a kind of Who We Are type of exploratory convo in which you find out exactly how he feels about each of your genders and again, agrees to coddle your insecurities a bit.

What an interesting letter, though. I'm kind of surprised that Dan's take on it is lacks nuance.
Oct 23, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on SL Letter of the Day: Say Goodbye To My Racist Family?.
God, sissoucat, that whole situation sounds crazy-difficult to deal with. My only advice to you is that you have to remember that your 15-year-old is acting out because he wants more power over his own life and not because he believes what he's saying. I think, after you have the discussion with all the kids that very very vera suggested above, you need to take the oldest one aside and have your own discussion about how awful his tactics for power struggling have been for you. He's old enough to decide this, so ask him if he honestly wants to live with his father (I'm guessing no). Then you have to express to him that blackmailing you (especially emotionally) is not going to get him more power over his life, because what it demonstrates is that if he gets more power, he'll abuse it to hurt you. If he wants more power over his own life, he's going to have to demonstrate that he deserves it by being responsible with the power he has now.

I think this can be partly demonstrated with your house that is a sty. In my family, my father made it very clear that children did not leave the house on Designated Chore Day (usually Saturday, but not always) until whatever tasks that were assigned were finished. All children had tasks to do, so there wasn't really a question of "ask the other one". The other one was doing something. Tell the 15-year-old that if he contributes some resources to the home he's living in (which means labor, since he probably doesn't have much cash), you will take that into consideration when he asks for privileges. Tell him that he has to make a reasoned argument for powers and privileges, using his demonstrated record of responsibility in order to receive them.

If he does say he wants to live with his father, let him. He'll come back. My half-sister did that- she left to live with her mother for a year and half, but then she came back. She threatened it again a while later, but my father told her that he wasn't running a hotel and if she left again to live with her mother, she'd have to stay there. She didn't leave that second time.

It sounds really, really rough. I can't even imagine- my mother had enough trouble with just 15-year-old me after my father died, and that was without anyone whispering against her. I think you should keep in mind that teenagers can be rebellious and difficult even if they're not being constantly armed with weapons against you.
Sep 25, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on GOP Launches Ad Campaign Targeting Women Voters.
You know, what I think is hilarious about this ad is that we're playing on the idea that women vote for the better looking candidate. There are some people who absolutely love this idea, but the fact is, they're wrong. Women went for Nixon over Kennedy. I think that kind of settles the question.
Sep 25, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on Raising Awareness of "Lopsided" Bisexuality During Bisexuality Visibility Week.
@50: Actually, she sounds tailor-made for having a girlfriend who lets her fuck a guy once in a while. People expect to regularly have sex with their romantic partners, so it's really not a good idea to have a relationship with a person of the less-attractive gender.

@49: I think that so much of the bisexual experience can be summed up by what you say here: "But men are so much easier to FIND than women". As in, yeah, some bisexuals legitimately have lopsided sexualities, but the reason why most bisexuals' experience is lopsided is because straight people so vastly outnumber queers. Though you're lopsided toward women, the fact that there are so many more straight men than queer women even appeals to you. It's no wonder that those of us who have equal attractions still end up in hetero relationships more often than homo ones.
Sep 24, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on The Dowager Duchess of Devonshire Is Dead.
@23: Hear hear! Molly Ivins wrote a great obit for Jessica Mitford as well. Seriously, saying the sisters were 2/3 fascist not only implicates two more of them to be fascist than were but glosses over how utterly interesting those two were.
Sep 19, 2014 alguna_rubia commented on Savage Love.
So, I have two pieces of advice for LTB. One is that she should look for partners in the poly community, but learn to accept that this will mean that her available partner pool is going to shrink drastically. I think this is a hard thing for a lot of less experienced bisexual women to face, because they're used to just going out and getting dates, and arbitrarily shrinking the pool in such a manner is kind of a shock to the system. It's worthwhile, but it also takes some getting used to.

My other piece of advice is to really examine what styles of relationship she could round up to "perfect." It's very hard to have exactly the same kind of relationship with two different people. She could go in either the more polyamourous direction, which other people have thoroughly explored (for example, having partners who have partners other than her as well), but she could also go in the less poly direction, meaning being fine with a primary partner and a long-term FWB. The difference might not be super obvious, but I think it is significant- the second is more of a social monogamy with activities you enjoy with a close friend, rather than really trying to make a huge romantic connection to each person.

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