commented on Savage Love
When I see these conversations it actually makes me stop caring.
In every day life I try to treat everyone equal. I make an active effort to not let race, gender identity, sexuality, whatever influence how I treat people.
But in dating / romance even the suggestion that I can't feel how I feel pisses me off, and when I get told I shouldn't feel a certain way, or can't like what I like and not like what I don't like without being a bigot of some kind my reaction is not to justify but to say, fine, I'm a bigot.
If not being a bigot means having to lie about how I feel then call me a bigot because I'm not dating someone I don't want to just the same, and I am going to feel about people and my interactions with them how I feel.
If I dated a person who identifies as male for months, and engaged in some kind of sexual activity, and found out afterwards that they didn't have a penis but had a vagina, I would be pissed off. Because it is not unreasonable to assume that a person who identifies as male, and is persuing a romantic and sexual relationship with you, has all the commonly expected "male" stuff. If they don't, be they trans or a cis male, then they are intentionally withholding something that is typically seen as important in such a relationship.
And that is manipulation. Someone said the trans guy in the letter wasn't mainpulating. Of course he was. He intentionally withheld information in the hopes that the LW would eventually deveop feelings and decide to stay with him regardless.
That's pretty much the definition of manipulation, to not be honest in order to get someone to do what you want them to do.
The trans guy may not have some kind of a legal obligation to reveal, but that doesn't mean the person on the recieving end doesn't have a right to be pissed off at not being told. There are lots of things people don't have an obligation to tell, but not telling will piss other people off.
If that makes me transphobic then so be it. If the fact that I would never refuse to hire someone for being trans, that I would never refuse to be friends with someone just for being trans, that I would jump in to defend a trans person being persecuted or attacked... if all of that doesn't define my attitude about trans people more than the fact that I would feel betrayed if someone let me think they had a dick when they didn't and felt led on if that went on for months, then fine.
I'm a transphobe. A transphobe who defends, sticks up for, and would never harm or put down a trans person just for being trans.
What discussions like this and others like it have taught me is simply not to be honest. If you aren't interested in someone due to some basic aspect of them that doesn't do it for you don't tell them. Just say it isn't working. If they do something that pisses you off don't tell them and try to work through it so you can be friends. Pretend it is all find and then just cut them out of your life so you don't have to deal with them.
Because I feel how I feel and being told that feeling how I feel makes me a bigot doesn't change how I feel. So be it then. But throwing the bigot label at someone who doesn't harm anyone and would otherwise stand up for you only looses you allies.
As a gay person I figured that out and cringe when ever gay people go overboard over a misstatement or poorly chosen word by someone who is otherwise shown to be a supporter of gay people. That kind of reaction doesn't inspire people from outside the group to want to stick up for the group.
commented on US Politicians Can Ignore American Billionaires No Longer!
@23, we have a few rich Hollywood types. They have the oil companies, Walmart, the Koch brothers, Wall Street, and pretty much every other major corporation that puts the bottom line first (wich is pretty much all of them). Money wins elections, and lets face it, they have more.
commented on Do It For Denmark
Sure two men can make a baby. One provides the sperm and the other hires the surrogate. No different than straight couples who have to use egg or sperm donors to make a baby.
commented on SL Letter of the Day: Open Your Mouth
@6, I also have that reaction to the "not anyone's business" thing.
It's no one's business what, specifically, you do in bed with someone. But if you are going to have relationships with other people those relationships have a public and social component to them unless you to go extremes to keep it very secret.
The only way to make a relationship "not anyone's business" is to spend a lot of time and energy on hiding it from everyone.
But when you are dating someone in general people know, and they may not know what you are doing behind closed doors but they are probably going to assume you are doing something.
I think the "not anyone's business" reaction is rooted in the fact that, while people most likely assume that a straight couple are doing something behind closed doors, they don't dwell on what exactly they may be doing. They aren't obsessed with the details and mostly don't really care.
When you are gay and people find out a disturbingly high percentage of people don't put that revelation in the context of romance, dating and relationships. They see it first in their heads as sex. And they focus on the sex aspect of it.
I remember that shockingly clear when I came out. Many people reacted to it as some kind of revelation about my sex life, while in my head it was more about relationships. I came out not because of sex but because I didn't want to spend the rest of my life alone, but that wasn't how many people interpret coming out, even still today.
commented on People Are Upset About Bill Maher's Comments About Noah (and Copernicus)
@41, no, it is non-debatable because it is a meaningless term.
10 people say that are spiritual and they all mean 10 different things.
From having a nice time at church, to feeling a sense of awe at nature, to believing that God has spoken directly to them, and a myriad of other things as well.
You can't debate the validity of spiritual experience because no two people mean the same thing by it.
Once you actually define what someone means by "spiritual" you certainly can debate it because then you actually have something that can be comprehended to debate.
commented on Fred Phelps: Excommunicated and Near Death
I am against picketing his funeral for one simple reason.
It would send the message that Phelps mattered in some way.
He didn't matter. He was a miserable and insignificant creature and when he dies the universe, and all of us in it, will move on as if he never existed.
His death should get all the attention it deserves… none.
In truth the guy probably helped advance gay rights more than hindered them. He made the religious right look so bad that even people who probably agreed with him were reluctant about joining in.
He will be dead soon and that will be that.
I am reminded of the quote by Clarence Darrow: “I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
I look forward to the obituary. And once I have read it I will forget this miserable waste of carbon ever existed.
commented on Wanna Suck a Dick in Virginia?
When I was in college I went to a LGBT student conference in Virginia. It was the first time I knowingly broke a sodomy law, so Virginia will always hold a special place in my heart despite their crazy politics of the past few years.