The Stranger, Seattle's Only Newspaper: Savage Love

Savage Love

Dan Savage — Wed, 15 May 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Shorties by Dan Savage

I have a mentally disabled cousin who I haven't figured out how to help. He's lived for more than 40 years in the same nursing home in a small, conservative town. His mental age is about 8, there are other mental-illness issues, and he has some physical problems. He is now in his late 60s. He has always enjoyed dressing up as a woman, but given that he's in a Christian nursing home, he must keep it fairly secret. He doesn't want to move from his home of so many years. He periodically calls me to tell me about a dress he's purchased or his monthly therapy sessions where he's permitted to dress up, and I'm uncomfortable with the sexual vibe of the conversations. I would like him to have a sexual outlet, but one that doesn't involve me. Any ideas?

She Knows It's Really Tough

Nope.

And staging some sort of intervention now—well, the effort seems about four decades late. Even if you could find a new living situation for your cousin, SKIRT, your cousin doesn't want to move. He seems to like where he lives, he gets to buy himself dresses, and he gets to dress up once in a while. He'd probably be happier if he didn't have to keep his dresses secret, but things could be much, much worse.

I have a technical butt-plug question. I'm in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. We don't use protection except birth control. Is there any reason other than sexually-transmitted-infection issues—not an issue for us—that we shouldn't share a butt plug?

Sex Toys Are Pricey

Nope.

We're a straight couple, and my boyfriend and I love playing with his butt. I love being able to ride him when he has a butt plug in, but it always falls out during sex. Is there something we can do? Do we need a different toy?

Plug Leaves Us Guessing

What you need, PLUG, is a bigger butt plug. The circumference of the widest part of the butt plug (the part that goes in his ass) needs to be four or five times greater than the circumference of the narrow part of the butt plug (the part his sphincters grip). If the widest part of your butt plug isn't much wider than the narrow part, that butt plug will fly out of your boyfriend's ass every time. Bigger butt plugs look intimidating—especially for straight boys—but the extra physical and emotional effort required to get a bigger butt plug in a straight boy's ass... well, that shit pays off in the end.

My son is 13. After I caught him with porn on his smartphone, I replaced it with a dumb phone and limited his access to the internet at home. We have talked about desensitization and the oppression of women that occurs with porn. Yet the hormones rage on. He has asked me to buy him a Playboy. I need to play this right. I want him to come to me to talk about sex, but a mom buying her son porn doesn't seem okay. If I don't buy him a magazine, he will seek porn on the non-parent-regulated internet. If I do purchase porn for him, doesn't that just encourage him to walk the path of porn?

Baffled By Teenaged Boys

If your son wants old-fashioned, preinternet porn—do they still publish Playboy?—he can acquire it in the old-fashioned, preinternet manner: He can get his ass to a bodega or a convenience store or a truck stop and steal some porn mags. My brothers and I learned important life lessons shoplifting porn when we were your son's age: to be watchful, to seize opportunities, and to run like hell.

I am one of those straight girls who like to make out with other girls when I am drunk. It's fun to get the attention of men by kissing girls! What's so wrong with that? Why do so many lesbians and bi women disparage this behavior? I guess it could be said that my behavior encourages men to objectify women who kiss other women. But I feel like that shouldn't be on me! Why all the hate? I am just an adult having sexy fun with other consenting adults!

Drunk Straight Girl

I can't believe there are still queers out there hatin' on drunk straight girls (DSGs) who make out with other DSGs to attract the attention of drunk straight boys (DSBs). Same-sex marriage is making significant gains—hurray for Rhode Island, Delaware, Minnesota, Uruguay, France, and New Zealand—but it remains illegal in 38 states, Congress has yet to pass the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, the HIV-infection rate among young gay and bi men is up, and trans people who just want to use the toilet are being attacked in schools and state legislatures across the country. (Google "rape" and "public restroom," and tons of stories come up—but they're all about straight men attacking women. Want to make public restrooms safer? Ban straight men from using them.) The queer community has 99 problems—at least—but DSGs making out with DSGs ain't one.

I'm a female in my early 20s and have been seeing a really great guy for a few months. We've been having lots of awesome vanilla sex, but I dig light spanking. I have told him this, and he talks some hot dirty talk about what he's GOING to do to me, but there's no follow-through. This discomfort is linked to some abuse he witnessed—his stepdad hurt his mother. I like him and I'm happy to wait for him to ease into it slowly, but it's been at least a month since I last brought it up, and I'll go crazy if I don't get some kinky sex soon.

Missing My Kinks

Here's what you need to tell your boyfriend: "Vaginal intercourse without consent is rape, but vaginal intercourse with consent is sex. You can wrap your head around that, right? So you should be able to wrap your head around this: Spanking someone without consent is assault, but spanking someone with consent is sexy. And you're going to spank me right now, with my consent, and it's going to be hot."

Straight guy here. No sex question. I just want you to tell me what is up with two guys at my gym. The skinnier dude does all the grunt work—sets up the weights, puts them back, wipes down the equipment—while the bigger dude stands there. The skinnier one can't be the bigger dude's personal trainer. Yesterday when the bigger dude noticed his shoe was untied, he pointed to his shoe, and the skinnier dude knelt and tied his fucking shoe for him. What the hell?

Most Everyone At The Gym Is Freaked

What you've described sounds like a not-nearly-subtle-enough, semipublic Dom/sub muscle worship scene. But I could be wrong. So if you have to know for sure what's up, MEATGIF, you'll have ask the bigger dude. If it turns out these dudes are doing some sort of public Dom/sub scene, and the point is to humiliate the scrawnier dude, the bigger dude will be only too delighted to tell you about it.

This week on the Savage Lovecast: tales of open relationships gone horribly wrong. And Vibrator Addiction Syndrome—are you at risk? All at savagelovecast.com.

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Savage Love

Dan Savage — Wed, 08 May 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Reading Comprehension Fail by Dan Savage

I'm a 24-year-old straight, married female. I have been religiously reading your column in the Portland Mercury since I was 16. Thank you for explaining things that my parents wouldn't and for helping me clear the hurdles of adolescence!

I turn to you now for advice. Five months ago, I married the man of my dreams. He was driven, hardworking, loving, and happy. We had amazing, cosmic, and connected sex, and we enjoyed pleasing each other. We have been together for a little over a year. I realize now that it was WAY too soon to get married, but I let my romantic side get the best of me, and so here we are. We are miserable. Now when it comes to sex, it's the furthest thing from my mind. When it does happen, it's very one-sided. I rarely get off, and if I do, it's on my own after he finishes because "it's too much work" to get me off. That's problem one.

Problem two is that on our wedding night, he broke his foot and couldn't work as a result. After his foot healed, he quit his job. He told me he "didn't want to do that kind of work anymore." So now I work an exhausting full-time job, support both of us on a salary barely big enough for one, and come home every day to a filthy apartment. Here's what my husband does all day: plays video games and jerks off to porn. Every time I broach the subject of him getting a job or picking up after himself, all hell breaks loose. I have brought up marriage counseling, because lately neither of us is the best at respectfully communicating, and his response is "You can go, but I'm not going." I thought about withholding sex until he finds a job, but I don't know how big of a threat that poses as we have sex MAYBE once a week as it is. I would appreciate any advice you have for making this work, as I am not ready to give up.

Too Soon To Quit

I can't tell you how much your letter saddens me, TSTQ.

Someone who started reading my column at age 16—and that's just the right age to start reading my column—should've known better than to marry a man she'd been dating for seven short months. And someone who has been reading my column for eight years should know what to do about a useless, unemployed, inconsiderate spouse: Call a divorce lawyer.

But you're not ready to give up on this marriage, TSTQ, because an ill-advised quickie marriage is one thing (crazy whirlwind romance!), and a well-advised quickie divorce is another (sober acceptance of reality). So here's my second-best advice for you: Move the fuck out. Tell your shitty husband that you're not ready to divorce him, but that you refuse to live with a man who doesn't have a job, doesn't cook or clean, and isn't interested in talking to a counselor and working on his marriage. Tell him you're moving out to preserve your sanity and whatever small chance this marriage has of succeeding.

Once you move out, TSTQ, your husband can find a job and pay his own rent, or he can sit on the couch until his landlord has him evicted. If he gets his shit together, maybe you can stay married. If he doesn't, well, then maybe you'll be ready to give up.

All that said, the fact that you're not ready to give up on this marriage ultimately doesn't mean two squarts. Because your husband has given up on it. Your husband is making himself unbearable because he wants out. But instead of being an adult and asking for a divorce, your husband is doing everything in his power to drive you away. He doesn't work, he doesn't help pay the bills or clean the house, and he would rather play video games than fuck you. This is a man who—consciously or subconsciously—wants out of this marriage, TSTQ, and I predict that his shitty, inconsiderate behavior will escalate until he gets what he wants: out.

My wife and I are bi and monogamish, and we occasionally invite other swell guys, girls, and couples into our bedroom. We're crazy liberal hippies, and thus far have fooled around exclusively with similar folks. It's difficult at the best of times to find couples where both members are bi, so when we find one, we tend to pursue them with wild abandon. We've recently been corresponding with a duo that seems perfect in every regard (bi, hot, intelligent). Our problem: In their last e-mail, they labeled themselves as "compassionate conservatives," which set off our socially progressive warning bells. Do we move on? Or do we keep politics off the table and go for it? Friends don't let friends fuck Republicans, right?

Bisexual But Bipartisan?

I used to take a hard line on sleeping with conservatives—friends don't let friends fuck Republicans and all that—but I've evolved. Today I support sleeping with conservatives... because someone has to fuck some sense into 'em. Might as well be you guys, BBB.

I have an ethical dilemma. I'm an escort and a pro Domme. I have a ridiculous sex drive (it's silly how much sex I want to have!) and I'm single. I'm also queer. But lately I find myself mostly hooking up with dudes for two reasons:

1. I think it's important to also have nontransactional sex with dudes.

2. It's easier to have casual sex with dudes because I rarely get emotionally attached to dudes. Like almost never.

If I use protection with these dudes, and I'm getting tested every three months, do I owe these onetime players the truth about what I do for a living?

Sexworker Troubled Intellectually

People who enjoy hooking up with strangers—people who have casual one-night stands with people they don't know and may not see again—should go into those hookups knowing these two things:

1. The person they're hooking up with has probably done this before. As that's the case, having sex in this context—i.e., in the context of a sleazy and fun hookup—carries a higher degree of STI risk than having sex in the context of, say, a committed relationship. Because duh.

2. They need to take all reasonable precautions while bearing in mind that condoms, even when used correctly, do not provide 100 percent protection.

So, STI, as long as you're using protection/condoms, you're doing right by your one-night stands. Your dudes are entitled to consideration and a reasonable concern for their well-being, and it sounds like they're getting both. They are not entitled to your complete sexual history or your work résumé. If someone isn't comfortable with the risks inherent in casual sex—if someone wouldn't want to sleep with a sex worker, say, or an editor at Breitbart—that person needs to inquire as to whether the person they've just picked up is a sex worker or an idiot. The onus is on them.

Publishers Weekly says my new book, American Savage, is one of the "Best Summer Books of 2013." And Amazon.com says American Savage is one of the best books coming out this month. Preorder it now!

This week on the Savage Lovecast: Why men fake orgasms (the shocking truth!) and an avalanche of calls from accidental lady-buggerers, all at savagelovecast.com.

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Savage Love

Dan Savage — Wed, 01 May 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Move On by Dan Savage

I am a 23-year-old straight male. My ex-girlfriend and I started dating in high school, when we were both 17, and continued dating until I broke up with her the summer after our freshman year in college because things felt too serious. We continued to have sex, but I blocked out all my feelings for her, while she was open about still wanting to be with me. She started dating someone else sophomore year. I realized then that I still wanted to be with her, and I broke down emotionally and made both our lives difficult while she was dating this new guy. I was a very unattractive person then.

I also found out other details by snooping. I know that during the time we dated, she faked orgasms with me. She didn't have one with me until she introduced a vibrator the year I was having emotionless sex with her after the breakup. This made me feel inadequate. Since then, we have forgiven each other and tried several times to rekindle our romantic relationship. Unfortunately, while for me there is a sexual attraction, she says she is no longer attracted to me. I'm sensitive, fashionable, and artistic, and she tells me she's more attracted to the "all-American-man" type. She is currently dating someone long-distance, and they have been together for seven months. But we still talk about "us," we still cuddle, and she'll say things like "When I think of growing old, I imagine doing so with you." She views our intimacy as "friendly," while I view it as more romantic. I try to be a good friend, but hearing emotional crap about her relationship makes me want to scream, "WTF are you doing? No guy will ever clear your bar, because I set the bar!" Do you think there is any chance that we will be together again? Am I nuts to still want this girl?

Her Ideal Mate

There are six other continents on this planet—six in addition to the one your ex-girlfriend currently resides on—and my advice for you, HIM, is to pick any other continent and move there. Get. The. Fuck. Away. From. Her. Not because your ex is evil, HIM, but because this relationship is over. She's not only seeing someone else, she's made it clear that you're not her type. She's not into sensitive, fashionable, and artistic types—she may not be into entitled assholes, either—and it's time to take the hint that she's practically pegging you with. And I gotta say...

This relationship is never going to be what it was, because neither of you is ever going to be what you were—that is, you're never going to be 17 and in love for the very first time again. The bar you're talking about, HIM? Hormones set it, you didn't.

Also: It sounds like you behaved terribly after you dumped your ex. When you wrote, "I made both our lives difficult," I read, "I stalked my ex." (Snooping after a breakup? That's a stalker move.) And having "emotionless sex" with someone who has "blocked out all [his] feelings" for you—being treated like a Fleshlight by someone you still have feelings for—is rarely a pleasant experience, HIM, and it must've been particularly painful for your ex back when she still wanted to get back together with your arty-farty ass. So perhaps she's treating you this way—keeping you on call for cuddles, dropping hints about getting back together (in old age!), dumping "emotional crap" on you about her current boyfriend—in a subconscious effort to get revenge. You tormented her then; she's tormenting you now.

But whatever her deal is, the bottom line is this: When two people aren't good to each other, when they're not good for each other, they should get the fuck away from each other.

My husband and I are both in our mid-20s. He's in the military, and our relationship, though imperfect, is strong; we're both happy with—and good to—each other. Not long ago, we decided that a "monogamish" arrangement appealed to us both, and we renegotiated the terms of our relationship. He recently got orders for a yearlong deployment, and one of the many things we need to do before he leaves, I think, is have another conversation about nonmonogamy. I think we should adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I doubt I could tolerate the inevitable stress of this upcoming year if I were expected to abstain from sex for the duration. But it's unlikely that either of us would want to hear about the other's casual hookups when we're separated by nine time zones. Yet I can't bring myself to speak up, because I'm already so jealous of the people he might fuck while I'm on the opposite side of the world and unable to fuck him myself. Suddenly, the thought of my husband with someone else is nearly intolerable. What would you do in this situation?

Worried I Fear Estrangement

If my husband were about to deploy to a war zone, I would probably do what you're doing, WIFE: I would worry about sex—I would worry about the people who might want to fuck my deployed husband—because that would provoke less anxiety than worrying about the people who might want to harm my deployed husband.

Talk to your husband, WIFE, and put that "don't ask, don't tell" policy on the table. Considering that you'll most likely have more opportunities than he will over the next 12 months, a DADT policy may be precisely what your husband wants while he's deployed. And share your feelings of jealousy with him. Those feelings are not only normal and natural, WIFE, they're a good sign. It would be more worrisome if you didn't care who he fucked and he didn't care who you fucked. And your husband may share your chief concern: It's one thing to think about your partner fucking someone else when you're around (and you're able to fuck your partner, too, and remind your partner why he's with you), and it's quite another thing to think about your partner fucking someone else when you're not around.

Feelings of jealousy and insecurity can make a person feel like she's not cut out for a monogamish relationship. But it's working through those inevitable feelings of jealousy and insecurity—with your partner, not your sex-advice columnist—that proves you are cut out for one.

Good luck, WIFE, and I hope your husband comes home safe and sound.

If you have two friends, one male and one female, who are both married (not to each other) and looking for an affair, is it okay to put them in touch with each other? May I bring them together in the same way I would two single people—throw a party with lots of alcohol? The man is in a sexless marriage and wants to get laid. The woman is getting divorced and needs to get laid. Note: The man and I have sex every few months. It's awesome sex, and he has a gorgeous body. I would like to offer this to my female friend, who could use it, but I'm not sure how he would feel about being passed around. What should I do?

Is This How Ashley Madison Got Started?

You should go to the liquor store.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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Savage Love

Dan Savage — Wed, 24 Apr 2013 04:00:00 -0700

No Problem by Dan Savage

DEAR READERS: When I sat down to write this column—while the manhunt was under way for the second bomber in Boston, while a small town in Texas was on fire, while antigay violence was spiking in France—it occurred to me that the last thing the world needs right now is more problems. So instead of the usual sex problems, CPOS problems, and DTMFA problems, this week I'm only running letters from people who don't have problems. Because we could all use a break.

No problem here. I'm a straight 36-year-old guy. My wife has always been great about my kinks—some femdom role play, OTK spankings, D/s three-ways—so when she announced at age 34 that she had a kink of her own, I regarded it as my mission to make it happen. We just got back from a trip to see a safe and trustworthy friend in Los Angeles who "paid" me to have sex with my wife. When it was over, she kept saying how much she loved me for being the person who made her paid-for-sex fantasy come true. People who stand in the way of their partner's fantasies don't realize what they're depriving themselves of—so much love and gratitude!

Her Sub Pimp

Thanks for sharing, HSP!

I just started dating a guy who seems perfect in almost every way. (I'm a guy, too.) He's cute, fun, smart, and successful. There's only one thing that's bugging me. He has a super-furry ass crack. The funny thing is, I can tell he trims the hair on his legs with a clipper. All he'd have to do is keep going up onto his ass and into his crack. Yes, I know some guys find a furry crack to be a big turn-on. I am not one of them. We've been on four dates, and actually gotten fully naked only once, so it's not like I feel so totally comfortable with him that I can just come out and say it...

Really Into Men Smooth

Your letter reminds me of a funny conversation I overheard at the gym:

Guy #1: "You should grow a goatee—it would feel great when you rim me."

Guy #2: "I have a goatee when I rim you."

Sounds like you have a beard when you rim your new boyfriend, RIMS, and I would advise you to get used to bearded rimming for the time being. You're only four dates and one fully naked Big Gay Sex Romp into this new relationship, RIMS, which is too soon to start asking for body mods. But once you hit, oh, 20 dates and a dozen Big Gay Sex Romps, I think you could offer to give him a hand with those clippers.

Whenever this female college student studies, she gets incredibly horny! At peak times during the semester, when I am constantly reading or studying, I find it almost impossible to go more than a couple of hours without having to masturbate. The more aroused I get, the less focused I am, so denying the feeling is not a solution. But there are definitely times when my productivity is negatively affected by my need to relieve myself. I have an active sex life! I am not bored sexually or mentally! Is there a physiological explanation for this?

Lady Hits The Books

Some people are turned on by completely random shit, LHTB, and no one quite knows why. Probably something to do with our big brains—just think of all those billions of nerve endings, all those synapses making connections, all those formative childhood experiences getting all synapsed up and becoming adult erotic obsessions. Think of all that, and then count your lucky stars that studying turns you on. It could've been worse. And, hey, if there were a way to bottle and sell your kink, LHTB, you would be rich and no one would ever need to take Adderall again.

I'm a 19-year-old newbie lesbian Dom starting a relationship with a smart, sexy, wildly kinky 22-year-old. Our relationship so far could not be better. One issue: She's into latex clothes. I have a severe latex allergy, to the point where I would need to be hospitalized if she wore latex clothing. She was GGG about anal, which was something I wanted to explore. I want to do this for her. Is there a good alternative to latex?

Thanks In Advance

There's no working around an allergy so severe it can land you in the hospital—and with everything else you two have going for you, TIA, forgoing latex is the price of admission your new girlfriend should be willing to pay to be with you.

No question here, just a thank-you. Last week, my 16-year-old son told me that he has a crush on his best friend... who happens to be a 16-year-old boy. I've known he was gay since he was about 4, but without your column, I don't think I would've been prepared for his "revelation." You and your readers taught me the importance of letting him know that I will always accept him, love him, and support him in any decision he makes. The best part: He wasn't really worried about telling me he's gay; he was worried that I wouldn't let his crush spend the night anymore. (And he was right to worry!)

Proud Mom

After reading that you intended to "support [your son] in any decision he makes," I started to compose a mildly scolding response in my head. ("Gay kids, like straight kids, need their parents to be their parents. Your son needs you to meddle lovingly, to criticize constructively, and to help him pull his big gay head out of his big gay ass when it needs pulling. And it will, PM, because gay kids make bad decisions, too.") But you made it clear at the end of your letter—he was right to worry about those sleepovers being over—that you aren't confusing "support my gay son" with "sign off on any damn thing my gay son wants." Well done, PM!

I am an 18-year-old British queer girl who was recently involved with an older woman while visiting the United States. She told me about your "campsite rule," and she followed it to the letter and was generally wonderful. I've since moved back to London and told everyone I know about your column. As a result, there's a small group of teens running around North London that adores you. I hope we can spread your excellent advice and make as many people as possible into GGG partners.

Thanks for the lovely note, CC, and tell the older woman I said thanks—for honoring the campsite rule and for helping to build my readership in the UK by turning you on to my column.

FILMMAKERS, SEX FANS, AND KINKSTERS: The Pacific Northwest's biggest and best amateur porn festival is back! For information about making a five-minute-max porn short for HUMP!—and potentially winning a $5,000 prize!—go to humpseattle.com.

Publishers Weekly says my new book— American Savage—is one of the "Best Summer Books of 2013." Order it now!

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Savage Love

Dan Savage — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Dick Holes by Dan Savage

I am uncircumcised, and the opening at the end of my foreskin is not large enough for the head of my penis to pass through. This means my foreskin doesn't pull back when I get an erection. The internet says this is a condition called "phimosis," and a lot of medical websites recommend circumcision. I'm not super-excited by that idea. I don't have any pain or difficulty with sex or urination, and I've never had any health problems related to being uncircumcised. The foreskin isn't stuck or fused to the glans—the hole is just small. Is there a safe, nonsurgical way to enlarge the opening in the foreskin?

Dick Hole Panic

"Tell Dick Hole Panic not to panic," said Stephen H. King, MD, a urologist in Washington State and my new go-to guy for all questions dick. "Phimosis occurs in an uncircumcised penis when a circular ring of the foreskin becomes scarred, often from prior infection, inflammation, or trauma. This scar prevents the normally elastic tissue of the foreskin from fully retracting to expose the head of the penis."

Roughly one in a hundred men have phimosis, said Dr. King, "and depending on the degree of narrowing, complications of phimosis can vary widely. These can include difficulty with cleaning/hygiene, infection, pain with erection, bleeding from skin cracking, and paraphimosis." Paraphimosis sounds like something you want to avoid: "It occurs when a narrow foreskin is pulled back to expose the head of the penis but then can't be pulled back over the head, which then constricts blood flow to the glans," said Dr. King. Paraphimosis can cut off blood flow to the head of the penis, which can cause the head of your cock to become gangrenous and die, which is why anyone suffering from it should head to an emergency room immediately. Here's something else to worry about: "Although extremely rare, penile cancer can arise, usually in older patients with recurrent infections/inflammation."

You're probably panicking now, DHP—hell, hearing about paraphimosis has me panicking, and I'm circumcised. But the doctor said your case doesn't sound serious: You aren't experiencing any pain, your dick seems to work fine, you haven't suffered from a series of infections. You don't need to do anything about your phimosis for now, said Dr. King, but if you're worried about complications arising in the future, or if you want your sex partners to see the head of your dick someday, there are nonsurgical remedies.

"'Preputial gymnastics' is one way to resolve phimosis," said Dr. King. "It sounds like an Olympic event, but it involves gently pulling the foreskin back to expose the tip of the glans to the point where the ring of scar is exposed." In other words, pull your foreskin back until you can't pull it back anymore, and you'll be looking at the scar tissue. "Hold this position for one minute and repeat three to four times a day," Dr. King continued. "In combination with topical application of a steroid cream twice daily, typically betamethasone 0.05 percent (by prescription), more than 90 percent of cases will dramatically improve or resolve within four to six weeks."

And if you're one of the 10 percent of phimosis sufferers whose case doesn't improve through preputial gymnastics?

"Then he should break out the Manischewitz for his impending bris," said Dr. King.

I have rarely ever been able to have an orgasm during intercourse. The few times it happened, I was stimulating my clit. But I think my body is used to clitoral orgasms without a penis thrusting inside my vagina. Recently, I started mixing pot and sex. I've been a pot smoker for years but never thought to have sex on pot before. It has always been just a social thing with friends. It is incredible! Marijuana relaxes my body and heightens my senses so that when my BF and I have sex, I come! And come and come—and I squirt, which I have NEVER done before! When we have sex without smoking, the sex is still great, but I don't orgasm like I do when I'm high. I feel like I need weed to orgasm the way I want to. Before I dated my BF, I smoked pot only once a month or so. Now I'm doing it once a week at least. My sex life is finally amazing AND fulfilling. Three questions: (1) Does this sound like a huge problem? (2) Should I be worried? (3) What do you suggest?

Blazing Orgasms Newly Gained

1. It does sound like a problem—a problem that's been solved.

2. Not if you live in Colorado or Washington State, BONG, where voters legalized pot use in last November's election.

3. A vaporizer.

I am in a great relationship with a very sexy and open-minded woman. Recently we were talking about likes and dislikes, and she mentioned "role-play scenes." This sent me into a little bit of a panic since this is something I've never engaged in. However, since I am more on the dominant side in our relationship, I'd rather not ask her a lot of questions. I'm hoping to take the lead and find out something about it on my own. I want to seem imaginative to her and not just copy what other men have done. Unfortunately, my web searches have been fruitless. Cosmo, Glamour, and even men's sites have articles about "role-play" from time to time, but they seem to be written for juveniles. Do you have any ideas about role-play scenarios—especially ones that could be initiated by a man?

Apprehensive About Role-Play

I have plenty of ideas about role-play scenarios that could be initiated by a man, AARP, but sexual pleasure is highly subjective—one gay man's hot role-play scenario is likely someone else's nightmare scenario. So you're going to have to talk with your woman about what kinds of scenarios turn her on.

Some people have a hard time talking about their kinks. Just saying the words "I'm into role-play" or "I want to try bondage" is such a struggle that a nervous kinkster is emotionally exhausted after the big reveal. The kinkster feels like she's done the hard part—she said "role-play" or "bondage" out loud!—and her partner should do the rest of the work, i.e., make their fantasies come true without asking them to talk about it anymore. But you can't fly blind into someone else's sexual fantasies. If she's turned on by something mild like a sexy-cop-and-speeding-driver role-play scenario, AARP, surprising her with a serial-killer-and-his-terrified-victim role-play scenario is likely to backfire. Likewise, someone who's turned on by gentle neckties-and-bedposts bondage isn't going to be happy about an intense institutional-restraints-and-soundproof-leather-hood bondage session.

She's going to have to give you more information, AARP, and you're going to have to let go of the notion that being the Dom means not asking questions. A dominant's first job—before a role-play scene begins, before anyone gets tied up—is to ask questions and find out what his submissive wants to experience. The trick is to give her what she wants while building in small surprises and gradually, over time, pushing into new territories together.

But you're going to have to ask her more questions, and she's going to have to answer them. If she's too shy to talk about her kinks face-to-face, have the convo over e-mail.

This week on the Savage Lovecast, I talk with author Emily Bazelon about sexting, slut-shaming, bullying, and suicide.

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Dan Savage — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 04:00:00 -0700

A First by Dan Savage

I'm a gay man who has been seeing a devout Christian gay guy for one year. We have a great relationship. We have many of the same interests and respect each other's feelings and beliefs. However, I am a Catholic who is not that religious, and he is an Orthodox Christian.

Some of his friends oppose gay marriage and think that being gay is immoral, and they are against our relationship. Since I am not a devout Christian, his friends say we should not get married. Other friends say he should not be gay at all and that God does not love him because he is gay. I refuse to hang out with his friends, because I think that they are narrow-minded morons. Am I wrong for thinking this?

Sadly, he sometimes thinks that God really does hate him because he's gay. I try to reassure him that God does not hate him. But he feels this way because of what his "good friends" say. I think he should dump these assholes. He is often upset by conversations he has with one of his friends in particular, who insists that God does not approve of him being in a gay relationship. The scary thing for me is he actually listens to these people.

Is our relationship going to work? Should he dump these bigots? Please respond to me. I need some answers. Thank you.

Devoutly Gay Washingtonian

We've had all sorts of guest experts in the column over the years. Sex researchers, sex workers, medical doctors, sociologists, psychologists, academics, marriage activists, trans activists, and on and on. But this week's guest expert is a first.

"As a Bishop of the Church, first let me say that I am convinced that God loves DGW's boyfriend, loves DGW, loves me, loves all of us beyond our wildest imagining," said the Right Reverend Gene Robinson, Episcopal Bishop (Retired) of New Hampshire, the first openly gay priest to be elected bishop in a major Christian denomination. (Bishop Robinson is also the first member of the historical episcopate—the first in the Apostolic Succession stretching all the way back to Saint Peter—to appear as a guest expert in my column.) I asked Bishop Robinson to have a look at your question, DGW, because I thought his advice—the advice of a fellow believer—might carry more weight with your boyfriend than the advice of a raving atheistic twatsquat like me.

"This young man faces a couple of problems in his relationship—one that touches on religion and one that touches on what it means to be in a healthy relationship," said Bishop Robinson. "His boyfriend seems wed to a religion (Orthodoxy) and to friends who espouse the Church's traditional teaching condemning homosexuality," he said. "The most alarming thing he said is that his boyfriend is listening to them. Surely this must cause him a great deal of pain."

But it's pain your boyfriend no longer has to endure.

"The Church has gotten things wrong before—support for slavery, and using scripture to denigrate and subjugate women—and we are living in a time when the Church is realizing it has also gotten it wrong about LGBT people," said Bishop Robinson. "Today, there are oases of acceptance and inclusion even in the most oppressive and condemning churches. If DGW's boyfriend wants to understand how one can read the Scriptures and believe that homosexuality is part of God's wonderful plan of diversity, he can find such a church, even in a faith that officially condemns LGBT people. Or he can seek out a different expression of his Christian faith in a denomination that loves, values, and rejoices in its LGBT members. But this is work he needs to do for himself. DGW can't do it for him."

As for your relationship, DGW, Bishop Robinson agrees that your boyfriend's inability to break from his emotionally and spiritually abusive friends is a bad sign.

"If DGW's boyfriend is listening to the condemnation of his Church and his friends, it makes me wonder how much joy he can take in their relationship," said Bishop Robinson. "How free is he to be the gay man he knows himself to be if that is accompanied by guilt and shame? It sounds to me like DGW's boyfriend needs to deal with his own internalized homophobia before he can commit to anyone."

In other words, DGW, you may need to tell your boyfriend that he can have you or he can have his orthodoxy, his awful friends, and what, at this stage of life, amounts to a lot of self-inflicted spiritual wounds. If your boyfriend can't break away from these people, DGW, if he refuses to find a church that welcomes him (and you!), then you may need to DTMFA.

Bishop Robinson's latest book, God Believes in Love: Straight Talk About Gay Marriage, is in bookstores now. Follow Bishop Robinson on Twitter: @BishopGRobinson.

I'm a 22-year-old straight girl with a lovely boyfriend of four years. We started dating during our freshman year of college, and we lost our virginities to each other early in our sophomore year. He's a great guy, we live well together, and I could easily round him up to "the one." My problem: I'm bored with our sex life, and I don't know why. He's a generous lover, he always makes sure I come (which is not always an easy task), he goes down on me more often than I go down on him, he uses his fingers, and he isn't insecure when I have to use my own fingers or a vibrator to get off. I know I'm incredibly lucky, but even after I come, I feel unsatisfied. I don't have any kinky fantasies, but the lack of passion and interest in our vanilla sex is killing me. I'm only 22, for God's sake! My sex life shouldn't be boring already!

He's voiced concerns in the past about how I don't initiate sex with him often enough. He worries that I am not attracted to him. I am attracted to him. It's just that I don't want the hassle of waiting for him to make me come when I can do it faster—and doing it myself means I don't have to worry about him getting tired or bored. Our sex drives are probably around the same, frequency-wise. I just need to know where to start to make things more interesting.

Bored In Bed

Having a partner who focuses like a laser beam on our pleasure sounds ideal. But always being the focus of sex, always being expected to come first, always being expected to come—that shit gets exhausting after a while. So order your boyfriend to focus a little more on his own pleasure during sex and a little less on yours. Tell him that, for now, you would like him to be less giving and more taking. And if he worries about being selfish, you can tell him that a study conducted at Kwantlen Polytechnic University in British Columbia found that people with selfish sex partners reported higher levels of sexual satisfaction ("Emerging Adulthood: An Age of Sexual Experimentation or Sexual Self-Focus?" by Hayley Leveque and Cory Pederson, 2010).

I suspect, BIB, that once the focus is off you—once you no longer have to live in fear of a forced march to orgasm each and every time you have sex, once you're no longer under so much pressure—you'll be able to relax and enjoy sex more. You might even initiate once in a while. Good luck.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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Dan Savage — Wed, 03 Apr 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Shorties by Dan Savage

I am trying to understand some fantasies I have. They involve having sex with a woman who has a penis. Sometimes I fantasize that my wife grew a penis. The fantasies started when we first tried pegging. We recently had a child and can no longer find time for kinky sex. These fantasies have caused a strain in our relationship, and I don't understand what I should do about them. I do not want to engage in a relationship with another person, I just want to know if it's normal to have these fantasies.

Confused But Hopeful

Normal? No, most men don't fantasize about their wives sprouting penises, CBH, so your fantasy isn't normative. But no one's sexual fantasy is. Fantasies are subjective and personal. Some are more common than others—a desire to be spanked, for instance—but even the most common sexual fantasies appeal only to small subsets of people.

Here's what you should do about your fantasies for now: Shut up and fantasize about them. Your sex life has taken a hit because you're new parents; odds are good that your wife doesn't have the time or energy for sex right now without you also asking her to do something impossible (grow a penis) or something risky (give you the okay to get this fantasy fulfilled elsewhere). And considering what that pegging awoke in you, CBH, your wife may be experiencing pegger's remorse right now. She may worry where your fantasies will ultimately lead, e.g., cheating or leaving. That's not something a new mom (or dad) wants to contemplate. So, again, shut the fuck up and beat the fuck off for now. In a year or maybe two, after your sex life has kicked back into gear, your wife might be willing to either explore your fantasies through role-play games or give you a pass to get with a woman with a dick.

To understand more about your fetish, google "gynandromorphophilia."

My boyfriend recently became interested in motorcycles, which makes me nervous for his safety. We had a talk about it, and he settled on a motorcycle/scooter hybrid that looks like a motorcycle but goes only 50 miles per hour. Now he's looking into upgrading to a full motorcycle. I don't feel betrayed, but I am genuinely worried for his safety. However, it's his life, we don't have kids, and I certainly don't control him. How do you deal with your fear over a loved one's safety when they choose to do something that makes you nervous?

Wants Improved Motor Practices

My husband recently became interested in growing a mustache, which made me nervous for my sanity. (All of my uncles had mustaches when I was a kid, and the thought of kissing a guy with a mustache... ick.) He went ahead and grew one while I was out of town for two weeks. It's his face, of course, and I certainly don't control him. But I control my face, and I refused to press mine to his—or press any part of my body to any part of his—until the mustache was gone. It was gone the next day. Maybe you could take the same approach with your boyfriend?

I am a 29-year-old straight male. I was introduced to Fetlife—and to BDSM—by my former girlfriend, who has a profile on the site. The relationship ended a year ago, and things got tempestuous. We tried to be friends, but she changed her mind, and now we don't speak. I joined Fetlife recently, and here's where it gets awkward: After our breakup, I occasionally looked at her profile. When she posted a couple nice photos of herself, I stupidly liked them. Now she's messaged me a couple times, and I am terrified. There are no pictures on my profile, so she doesn't know it's me. Do I ignore the messages, or come clean, or what?

Ex Currently Keeping Secret

We can't stop our exes from checking out our personal ads, blogs, Tumblrs, etc., but you stepped over the line when you liked your ex's photos. That act amounted to initiating contact with a woman who made it clear that she no longer wished to be in contact with you. You could respond to her messages with "Hey, it's me," but she may feel that you tricked her into getting back in contact. Having her messages ignored might also upset her, ECKS, but a nonresponse from a presumed stranger will be less upsetting than a hello from you. There are lots of lurkers and flakes on dating sites, and it's pretty common to send one or two messages to someone and never hear back. Don't respond.

I'm a 20-year-old full-time college student, studying the wonderful world of engineering. As you can imagine, I have little time to myself, let alone time to spend finding someone to share that time with. But I recently became what you would call "involved" with a member of the faculty. He's 20 years older than I am, and we have so much in common that it should be illegal! Should I cut the cord now? Or should I continue enjoying the hottest, sweetest, most thoughtful person I've ever met?

Sincerely Smitten Student Hesitates

Enjoy.

And if your hot, sweet, thoughtful faculty member honors the Campsite Rule, i.e., he leaves you in better shape than he found you (no diseases, no unplanned pregnancies, no avoidable drama/trauma), you are in turn obligated to honor the Tea and Sympathy Rule, i.e., when you speak of this in future years—and you will—you will be kind (no nuttiness, no anger that a relationship that was unlikely to work out long-term didn't wind up turning into an LTR, no sabotaging his academic career by naming names and institutions in a tell-all post on FuckedMyProf.tumblr.com). Have fun, SSSH.

You've given a lot of great advice, Dan, but I have to take issue with your recommendation to Socially Interactive Sister. She was thinking about hiring someone to relieve her 22-year-old brother of his virginity. Why would you recommend a sex worker when you could recommend the services of a professional surrogate partner therapist? These professionals work hand in hand with licensed sex therapists and have training in order to work therapeutically with folks just like SIS's brother. I don't doubt that many sex workers have dealt with these situations, and I'm sure many are good at it, but surrogate partner therapists receive training within a curriculum designed for people like SIS's brother and others. Additionally, you incorrectly associate sex work with the movie The Sessions, which clearly deals with surrogate partner therapy. Sex work and surrogate partner therapy are not the same. This will make it more difficult for those of us working in this field who are trying to legitimize surrogate partner therapy. I have no issue with sex work, but SPT is truly different. You can find more info at surrogatetherapy.org.

Advocate For Surrogate Partner Therapy

Thanks for sharing, AFSPT.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

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Dan Savage — Wed, 27 Mar 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Virgin Bro by Dan Savage

My brother is 22 years old and mentally ill with social anxiety on the scale of agoraphobia (officially diagnosed). He's made significant progress in the past few years, but he's stuck on the fact that he's a virgin and is convinced that he's not going to make any real social progress until that's no longer a fact. His particular problem makes it impossible to reason with him-he's a little Asperger's-y- and he is convinced that he will only be able to pursue a job, have a social life, and tackle other obstacles after he loses his virginity. Financially, it would be easy for me to drive him to Nevada and eliminate the virginity issue. He's asked our mom to do so. My family isn't hung up on "purity" where sex and virginity are concerned, so we're open to this. I don't have any illusions that this will solve his problems, but my mom and I are hopeful that it would eliminate an excuse that's keeping him from taking positive steps forward. Should I offer to take him? Or force him to sort it out on his own despite his crippling social issues?

Socially Interactive Sister

"I want to commend SIS for considering the services of a sex worker in such a positive and nonjudgmental way," said Siouxsie Q, a San Francisco–based sex worker and the creator and host of The WhoreCast, a weekly podcast that seeks to humanize people working in the sex industry. "And I want to reassure her that the right provider is out there for her brother."

Some will object to your hiring a sex worker to help your brother out, of course, but you can tell those people to go fuck themselves—or you can tell them to rent The Sessions. In that acclaimed 2012 film, John Hawkes played a poet who is paralyzed from the neck down. Helen Hunt played a sexual surrogate—a clinical/glorified sex worker—that the poet, with the blessing of his priest, hires to take his virginity. No one had a problem with the sex-work aspect of The Sessions because Hawkes's character is so profoundly and obviously disabled that audiences sympathized with his plight: It would be difficult, if not impossible, for him to get laid any other way.

While Hawkes's disability in The Sessions was immediately apparent, SIS, your brother's disability is no less real for being invisible. So I don't see why anyone should object to your brother getting a little professional assistance with his plight.

So hire a sex worker for your brother, SIS, if you think it will help—even if it just eliminates an excuse that's blocking his progress—and there's no need to drive to Nevada. Siouxsie suggests you look for an "experienced" (read: somewhat older) escort with an online presence in your area. A sex worker who's over 25 or 30 and maintains her own website—and has write-ups on escort review sites—is not just far less likely to be trafficked or exploited, she's far more likely to be experienced and patient. She may have even worked with men like your brother before.

"A friend had a client who used her services to 'practice' dating," Siouxsie said. "Over time, the client gained enough confidence to start dating. I hope SIS's brother has a wonderful experience, and that boosts his confidence and helps him move forward in his life, too."

So what do you do once you locate a prospective sex worker in you area?

"Send an e-mail explaining the situation and your brother's special needs," said Siouxsie. "There are sex workers out there who specialize in working with clients with disabilities, and many have experience working with clients who might be very similar to her brother," and with a little searching, you should be able to find one. If the first woman you contact doesn't work with men like your brother, she may be able to refer you to someone who does.

Once you find your local Helen Hunt, SIS, prep your brother for the experience. "Give him a pep talk," said Siouxsie. "Let him know about etiquette and protocol: no haggling, no prying for personal information, his personal hygiene needs to be impeccable, and he should know the basics on protection and STI transmission. Above all, he needs to treat her with respect."

Listen to The WhoreCast at thewhorecast.com. Follow Siouxsie Q on Twitter @WhoreCast.

I'm a straight guy who recently got out of a long-term relationship. Best sex of my life: Physically, she rocked my world. Unfortunately, she rocked my world mentally, too. It was a toxic relationship for both of us, but we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We ended things a few months ago. I finally feel ready to date again, and last week I met this drop-dead gorgeous girl. Intelligent, successful, positive—an unbelievable catch. She even pursued me! But there is just one thing, and it's killing me: She is a skinny girl. In the past, I've always dated women with curves. This girl is gorgeous and athletic but she's also skinny. Am I objectifying women's bodies here? Am I fetishizing curvy girls too much? What is my dick thinking here?

My Dick, My Annoyance

The dick wants what it wants.

That said, MDMA, sometimes the dick wants more than the guy attached to it realizes. You may discover, once you start fucking around with this girl, that your dick must have curves and this girl is just too skinny for you. Or you may discover that you want her so bad—that you're so attracted to her—that your dick can make the leap for her alone, i.e., she's the lone exception to your curvy-girl rule. Or you may discover, as so many men have discovered before you, that your dick wants more than one narrow type. Sometimes it takes meeting someone wonderful who isn't the ideal you've locked onto to realize that your dick was into more than one thing, but your brain—your bigger and more powerful sex organ—was shutting your dick down.

Here's hoping your dick surprises you, MDMA.

I'm a 23-year-old bi female from Vancouver, BC, and I've been heavily sub-identified since I started having sex nine years ago. (Don't worry—the age of consent was 14 then!) But lately, with the helpful guidance of my lovely boyfriend, I've been realizing I have a very pronounced Dom streak. Do you have any pointers on starting out? I read The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, and it was helpful, but I was wondering if you had any tips. I'm pretty uncomfortable topping my boyfriend—he's always been the top, and I'm nervous about doing it wrong.

Another Novice Top

Give yourself permission to do it "wrong," ANT. I don't mean "wrong" in the accidentally-injure-or-kill-the-boyfriend sense of doing BDSM wrong. I mean "wrong" in the go-your-own-way sense. You'll be less nervous about topping if you relax and give yourself permission to be yourself, i.e., nervous and inexperienced, a little awkward in your new role. Remember: You don't have to be the perfect snarling dominatrix the very first time you pick up a crop. You don't have to be a snarling dominatrix ever, ANT, if that's not who you want to be. Check out the wonderful Beyond the Valley of the FemDoms—beyondthevalleyofthefemdoms.tumblr.com—for some insight on being your own dominant woman, not some FemDom porn cliché. Good luck!

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Dan Savage — Wed, 20 Mar 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Gerbils? Again? by Dan Savage

DEAR READERS: I'm off this week. To tide all of your hot and/or kinky and/or sore asses over, here's a column I wrote 15 years ago. Some of you who were still in grade school, diapers, or amniotic sacs back in 1998 might have missed this, so I'm rerunning it now because I still get questions about "gerbiling" on a daily basis. —Dan

We were having a little office debate about "gerbiling." How does it work? Do all gay men do this? Does Richard Gere? Does the animal get shoved up the anus with a toilet-paper roll only to suffocate seconds later? Is it the scratching or the act of killing an animal that gets people off? Why? Can't this cause serious damage? What gives?

Curious Coworkers

Every day, my mail contains at least three questions about "gerbiling." I have never addressed the gerbil issue, but now, this week and this week only, I am breaking my silence. Clip and save this column, for I will never discuss gerbils again. Ahem. To begin, I would like to make a controversial statement:

I have never had a gerbil in my ass.

This statement is not controversial for the reasons one would hope: It isn't controversial in the "Hey! That's uncalled for!" sense, like, say, a woman at a dinner party announcing that she doesn't have a hedgehog in her vagina. That would be uncalled for, because no one would suspect her of concealing a hedgehog. But being a gay man or Richard Gere in America means always having to reassure people that you don't have a gerbil in your ass—at dinner parties, during family reunions, at funerals, on CNN, at passport control, wherever! For while gay men and, I assume, Richard Gere don't put gerbils in their asses, not a day goes by that someone—usually a straight 13-year-old boy—doesn't try to shove one in, figuratively speaking.

Hundreds of thousands of men and women in this country, my fellow Americans, leave high school convinced that gay men put gerbils in their asses on a semiregular basis. Unlike our hypothetical dinner-party guest, my denial of stuffing gerbils is necessitated by the accusation. If it were widely believed that women stuffed hedgehogs into their vaginas, then women would have to deny "hedgehogging."

Some background: Gerbil-stuffing is a sexual practice that straight teenage boys in general, and Howard Stern in particular, suspect gay men in general, and Richard Gere (who is not gay) in particular, of engaging in. It works like this: Hold a gerbil in your left hand. Using pliers with your right hand, rip off the gerbil's lower jaw. With the blunt side of the pliers, knock out the teeth in its upper jaw. Pull all four of its legs off. Leave the tail. Set aside. Take a cardboard paper-towel roll, grease it up, and insert it into your rectum. Tie a string to the gerbil's tail. Nudge the gerbil into the outside end of the paper-towel roll. If for no other reason than to get away from the person who knocked its teeth out, the gerbil leglessly scampers up the wet paper towel roll.

When the gerbil drops into the anal cavity, remove the wet paper-towel roll, leaving the string you've tied to the gerbil's tail hanging out of your ass. The gerbil, now trapped inside your anal cavity, thrashes around, desperate for air. It is this thrashing that provides pleasurable sensations. Once the gerbil is dead, remove it by pulling on the string. Repeat.

Okay, three things:

1. The type of straight person who believes that gay men engage in "gerbiling" is likely to believe other gay stereotypes: We're all prissy little swishes, for instance, with clean apartments and extensive collections of original Broadway cast recordings. Yet the same person also believes we're capable of holding a struggling rodent in one hand while ripping its lower jaw off with the other, and then tearing its legs off (think of the mess!) and stuffing it up our butts—hardly a prim pastime. This is known as cognitive dissonance: the holding of mutually exclusive beliefs.

2. There is nothing intrinsically "gay" about gerbil-stuffing. You don't need two penises—you don't actually need penises at all—or an original Broadway cast recording. All you need is one doomed gerbil and one willing butt-hole (and pliers, lube, tubes, and string). Some straight people have a peculiar need to believe certain sex acts—usually disgusting ones—are practiced only by gay men, despite evidence to the contrary. Fisting, for instance. Straight people can and do fist. I have a file of heterosexual fisting photos, anal and vaginal, that I've pulled off the internet; I keep them on my desktop to prove to family and friends that, yes indeed, straight people fist. This curious impulse to credit gay men with sex acts that anyone can perform extends to sex acts straight people themselves are the primary practitioners of. Child rape, for instance.

3. Inserting a wet paper-towel roll into your ass is simply not possible, as anyone who's ever put anything in their ass can tell you.

Now I feel I can write with some authority that no one has ever actually stuffed a gerbil up their butt, perhaps with more authority than I can write that God and angels do not exist. I've had conversations with hundreds of outrageously kinky people, gay and straight, who've told me the craziest shit: I once chatted for an hour with a guy who married his horse. (He was deeply offended when I asked if his horse was a he horse or a she horse. "I am not a homosexual," the hetero horse-fucker informed me.) Both in my professional and personal life, thousands of guys have freely admitted to doing the most out-there, dangerous, risky, stupid, kinky stuff. But not once in all these years has anyone ever told me that he, or anyone he knows, or anyone anyone he knows knows, has ever put a gerbil in his ass. Like the doomed gerbils themselves, this story has no legs. It is an urban legend.

But you don't have to take my word for it: I have proof. If gay men and Richard Gere stuffed gerbils in their butts, well, then the pet stores that serve the gay and Richard Gere communities would stock gerbils, right? I mean, everything else that a perverse gay man needs is available in your average gay neighborhood, from poppers to butt plugs to bullwhips to sofa sectionals. So if we stuff gerbils up our butts, then pet stores in, say, California must do a bang-up gerbil business.

But guess what? In San Francisco's Castro neighborhood, gay ground zero, the pet store Petpourri, "where professionals answer your every question," sells only pet supplies—no gerbils—and they don't stock cardboard paper-towel tubes or pliers, either. Animal Farm in West Hollywood, also a very gay place, sells only dogs and cats (which wouldn't fit up anyone's butt, not even Richard Gere's). And guess what? Not only do pet stores in California not sell gerbils, but it's actually illegal for them to do so. According to Marshall Meyers, an attorney at the Pet Industry Joint Advisory Council in Washington, DC: "California law prohibits the sale of gerbils because of desert conditions in that state. Gerbils were once a desert mammal, and the state was concerned that gerbils could escape and establish themselves in the wild. It is a form of animal control." It's not because gay men stick them in their asses? "No, it's strictly an ecosystem issue."

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Dan Savage — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 04:00:00 -0700

Best Foot Forward by Dan Savage

I'm an actor in New York City. A lot of people think actors are whores, but last week I almost became one. I responded to a casting call for a film project called Sniff. The ad—on Playbill's website—called for two male actors to film a short scene. The pay was $100 for a day's work. I was e-mailed the scene to study. (I've attached the script.) It starts with two male roommates chatting on a couch. The bigger, more muscular roommate confronts the smaller, scrawnier roommate about his obsession with socks. Two pages later, the smaller roommate is being ordered to sniff, lick, and caress the larger roommate's feet. The scene ends with the smaller roommate being forced to hold the bigger roommate's big toes in the corners of his mouth while smiling for the camera. Write a screenplay and hire actors—is this something foot fetishists do to make low-budget softcore porn? I'm not a hater of fetishists, but it is a little strange to see something like this in a casting ad.

Freaked-Out Oblivious Thespian

P.S. The audition was surprisingly normal. I wasn't asked to remove my clothes or lick any feet. I wasn't cast—but maybe that's a blessing in disguise. After the audition, the director requested a picture of my feet via e-mail. I did not send him one.

"Yes, I am a foot fetishist," said Anthony Fusco, the writer and director of Sniff and the person for whom you auditioned. "I'm also a theater person."

I reached Fusco the same way you did: through the contact info in the audition notice in Playbill. It turns out that Sniff is one scene in Big Naked Feet, a five-scene, one-act comedy that Fusco wrote, directed, and produced at a small venue in New York in 2008. "We got a good response," Fusco told me. "We had full houses; people walked away smiling." Big Naked Feet isn't Fusco's only play. Another of his plays—Crossing Verrazano—was produced as part of the Strawberry One-Act Festival in 2011.

I told Fusco that his six-page script for Sniff read like fetish porn (“Good dog, Paul, now take a step back and just stare at the beauty of my manly feet!”) and that his audition notice had my bullshit detectors going off. It would be a lot cheaper for a foot fetishist to pay two actors to bring his fantasies to life than, say, two male escorts. You can find good-looking actors who will work for $100 a day. A good-looking male escort, on the other hand, is going to cost you a lot more.

“Technically, any booking that lasts more than six hours is considered an overnight,” said Trenton Ducati (trentonducati.com), an award-winning gay porn star and escort. “An overnight is usually $1,500. Fetish stuff is the same price, if the fetish isn’t too extreme, but a big tip is expected. And filming it would be a problem for most escorts. At the very least, they’ll want an additional payment to filmed.” (Ducati was named Gay Performer of the Year at the 2013 XBIZ Awards. He hasn’t won an award for escorting, but he’s been nominated in four categories in this year’s International Escort Awards. You can vote for him at thehookies.com.)

Fusco insists, however, that the video he’s making is intended as promo material for a planned remount of Big Naked Feet. It’s not porn and it’s not foot-fetish fap material.

But, come on, one hot guy going to town on another hot guy's feet? Wouldn't Fusco beat off to that? Wouldn't any foot fetishist? "I'm so used to this stuff," he said, "it's nothing new to me. I'm not going to say it can't be exciting or a turn-on. So it depends on how the final product turns out, I guess, and how it looks."

And... scene.

P.S. Coincidentally, FOOT, after our interview, Fusco requested a picture of my feet via e-mail. And I sent him one—because, hey, why not?

My boyfriend is HIV-positive and I am not. We haven't been intimate yet because he's not ready. He blames his HIV for everything. I know HIV is very serious, but I have some questions. I can't ask anyone I know without spilling his secret. If he misses taking his meds by 10 minutes, will it seriously affect his health? He has forced me to leave movies early, refused to go to work functions with me, and even missed my birthday because we would miss his 10 p.m. med schedule. Anything that goes bad in our relationship, he blames it on the fact that he is positive and I am not. I feel like he manipulates me with his illness.

Positively Flustered

"My answer to PF's question—will his boyfriend's health be affected if he takes his meds 10 minutes late—is a resounding no," said Peter Shalit, a doctor, author, and public speaker who has been treating HIV patients for 25 years. "Modern HIV meds have a lot of flexibility around when they are taken. His boyfriend can also carry the meds in his pocket if he's so OCD that he has to take them at the same exact minute every day."

Dr. Shalit doesn't think HIV is the problem here.

"His boyfriend needs to stop blaming everything on his HIV, deal with it, and get on with his life," said Dr. Shalit. "My advice to patients taking meds for HIV: The daily act of taking your meds should have as much impact in your life as the daily act of brushing your teeth. How would it sound if someone said, 'I can't come to your birthday party because I need to brush my teeth'? It sounds like he is using his HIV as a weapon."

Dr. Shalit and I both wonder why you put up with this guy. "He doesn't sound very pleasant to be around," said Dr. Shalit, and I agree. End this relationship—not because your boyfriend is poz, but because he's an asshole.

I met a boy on an online sports forum, and I've fallen for him. And from what I can tell, he's fallen for me. The problem is that early in our relationship, he expressed certain attitudes about race that caused me to not be 100 percent honest with him. It turns out that he dislikes men of color and feels they are responsible for many of the problems in this world. Upon discovering this, I claimed to be white and even went so far as to use Photoshop to make myself appear white in the pics I sent him. I'm not black, but I am not white. And now that our relationship has come to the point where a meeting is planned, I am absolutely distraught. He is always so kind and loving, but when he makes comments about "ashy knees" and "big ethnic noses," I cry inside. We've been together for a while, and I know he loves me, but I fear that he might not see past my skin color. He's young and Canadian, and I believe that he can overcome this. How do I go about confessing? Do I just show up to meet him at LAX, smile, and hope for the best?

Lost And Worried

First off, LAW, you're not in a relationship. You've never met this person—excuse me, you've never met this racist piece of shit—and while two people can get to know each other via e-mail, two people who've never actually met are not "together." You were alone in your room with your laptop the whole time, LAW, lying to a racist piece of shit and deluding and undervaluing yourself.

My advice: Call off the meeting and send the racist piece of shit your actual, un-retouched pics, along with an e-mail that begins with something like "I don't know what I was thinking getting involved with you," and ends with something like "Now go fuck yourself, you racist piece of shit." Trust me, you'll feel better about this "relationship" if you dump the racist piece of shit before he has a chance to dump you.

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Dan Savage — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 04:00:00 -0800

Lockup by Dan Savage

My girlfriend and I read your column religiously, and I have you to thank for being comfortable enough with my kinks to tell her about my interest in BDSM. She is very GGG and has indulged all my fantasies and discovered some of her own. Our latest adventure has her locking up my dick in a CB-6000 male chastity device. We want to be aware of any health and safety concerns. There is no shortage of information on hygiene while locked and the effects of infrequent ejaculation. But we're most concerned about whether restricting erections with a chastity device can cause nerve damage, erectile dysfunction, or other issues. Should I be concerned about having my erections constricted while being teased or wearing it overnight? (My research tells me that in REM sleep, the typical male will get three to five erections.) We plan on taking off the device for sexual play, which we do about five times a week. Besides worrying about limiting erections, is there any issue with having the device on long-term while soft, in regards to the cock ring that serves as the back end of the device? Are there any negative effects to having this on for a day? A week? A month? I find it odd that there isn't more information about this provided by manufacturers. From what I've read online, a lot of guys stay locked way more long-term than I'm planning, and I hope they have had questions like mine answered before engaging in that.

Lock On Cock Kausing Erectile Dysfunction?

There are more sub guys out there blogging about their locked-up cocks than there are sub guys out there whose cocks are locked up.

By which I mean to say...

Whether you're talking about food, politics, or locking a dude's cock in a male chastity device, LOCKED, you'll find more anonymous liars online pretending to be experts than you'll find actual experts. Of course, there are kinky guys out there who've had their cocks locked up for extended periods. Male chastity play is a real kink, not some freaky bullshit made up by a high-school kid to gross people out, e.g., "Dirty Sanchez," "Donkey Punch," "Michelle Malkin." But the number of men who enjoy this kind of play is relatively small, and the number of chastity players blogging about their experience is smaller still. So it's probably best not to take health-and-safety advice from the anonymous chastity players you run across online. How about some health-and-safety advice from an actual board-certified urologist instead?

"I've never had a patient ask me about using, or admit to using, a male chastity device," said Stephen H. King, MD, a urologist in Washington State. "And I cannot find a single reference in the medical/urological literature."

What would Dr. King advise a patient?

"As a urologist, my primary concern is long-term health and preservation of erectile function 'down the road,' so I tend to err on the cautious side, especially in someone young with many good erections ahead of him," said Dr. King. "So if LOCKED came to my clinic with this question, I'd caution against any long-term or continuous use of such a device, anything more than four to six hours, if it places any significant compression on the tissue directly."

Some guys who wear male chastity devices for extended periods invest in custom-fitted devices, LOCKED, as a custom device is less likely to put "significant compression on the tissue" than a semi-adjustable, one-size-fits-all, easy-to-break-out-of CB-6000. The device you've got is fine for newbies and short-term play, but the expensive chastity devices they sell at steelwerksextreme.com—devices with names like "The Exoskeleton," "The Torture Puzzle," and "The Grinder"—have the benefit of being both safer and impossible for the wearer to remove without the key.

So let's say you invest in a hardcore, expensive chastity device that doesn't rely on potentially tissue-compressing rings to be held in place. What does Dr. King say now? "With no compression from the cock ring, it might be safe for somewhat longer use," said Dr. King. "Overnight use may still be problematic. Nocturnal/spontaneous erections are hypothesized to exist to encourage blood flow and stretching of the vascular and erectile tissue to keep it healthy and prevent atrophy. Like any other tendon, ligament, or muscle in the body—use it or lose it. I can't see how preventing these spontaneous nocturnal erections can be healthy. But I can't prove any long-term damage."

Of course, if we only listened to doctors, no one would ever eat sugar, smoke cigarettes, or let his girlfriend lock up his cock in "The Grinder," because something "bad" might happen. (Diabetes, cancer, impotence, respectively.) So I got a second and a third opinion for you, LOCKED.

The second opinion is mine: The manufacturers of CB-6000s and other male chastity devices don't provide information about risks because they're not required to. Male chastity devices, like all sex toys, are sold as "novelty items." They're not medical devices, and the FDA doesn't regulate them. But so long as your CB-6000 isn't so tight that it's cutting off circulation, pinching nerves, or rubbing you raw, and so long as you're not wearing it for extended periods of time (I wouldn't wear one overnight, myself), you'll be fine. There are, after all, thousands of CB-6000s in circulation—it is the most popular male chastity device on the market—and if they were injuring men or rendering them impotent, LOCKED, we'd be hearing from unhappy chastity players and their lawyers. Dr. King backs me up on this. He consulted another doctor, whose specialty is "urology trauma," and his colleague hadn't heard of any issues related to chastity devices. "Perhaps that speaks to the relative safety of them," said Dr. King. "If they were messing up lots of penises, surely we urologists would be the first ones to know."

The third opinion is from a kinky blogger. Metal served for six years on the board of Gay Male S/M Activists, an organization dedicated to promoting safe, sane, and consensual BDSM, and now runs the popular BDSM site metalbondnyc.com. He's also a keyholder to several men locked long-term in chastity devices.

"I'm not a doctor," Metal said, "so I can't speak to potential long-term physical effects. But I can tell you that many, many men use chastity to enhance their sex lives and some of the most popular entries on my site are about chastity."

None of the men Metal has locked up—some for months at a time—have had any trouble getting hard once their chastity devices were removed. "When guys are first locked up, they often complain of waking up in the middle of the night with painful erections," said Metal. "But that usually passes in a week or so. What I would suggest to this couple is to go ahead and experiment. Lock him up for a day or two initially, then a few days, and then maybe work up to a week or more. Rules are good. Maybe he gets unlocked only when he's chained to the bed. Then right after he comes—if he's allowed to come—his dick gets locked back up before he's unchained." Metal urges you to be cautious, to take it slow, but not to fear chastity play. "Think of chastity as a really, really long form of foreplay," said Metal.

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Dan Savage — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 04:00:00 -0800

Queer Goggles by Dan Savage

I am writing about a friend. By all appearances, he is straight. However, on more than one occasion, he has gotten drunk and tried to hook up with a transvestite or a person who could have been one. In one instance, he went to a club and was approached by a really masculine-seeming girl who proceeded to give him head. My friend, in his drunken state, reached into her pants and felt for a pussy only after she started giving him head. On a trip to Las Vegas, he drunkenly picked up someone who I was told looked like "Kevin Garnett in a wig" and was very obviously a man. He tried to take this person back to his hotel, but friends put a stop to it. I just received a message from a friend who is with him on a trip to Europe, who said that he just tried the same thing again with yet another manly looking transvestite type. Again, my friend was stopped before he did anything he might regret. I can understand if these cases happened with transvestites who looked like real women. It's easy to fool someone when he's drunk. However, the situations I have seen personally and have heard about all seem to indicate he is seeking out transvestites. Could he be harboring some gay or bisexual tendencies? I've never seen him act this way when sober. Or could he just have the world's thickest pair of beer goggles?

Cautious Lad Observing Developments

When we speak of "beer goggles," CLOD, we refer to someone too drunk to realize that he/she has accidentally picked up—or fucked the shit out of—a type that he/she would not normally/soberly find attractive. But I don't think your friend is getting drunk again and again and going after this particular type again and again by accident. Once? Yes, that could be an accident. Twice? That could be a coincidence. But three times that you know of? Sorry, CLOD, your friend isn't going after these types because he's drunk. He's getting drunk so he can go after these types.

Before we go on, CLOD, a word about the particular term you use to describe your friend's type: transvestite. That word? I don't think it means what you think it means. A transgender woman is not a transvestite, and a transvestite is not a transgender woman. A trans woman is someone who was "coercively assigned male at birth," as they say on Tumblr, but who now identifies and lives as female. A transgender woman may or may not have had sex-reassignment surgery—which means, of course, that a transgender woman could have a dick or she could have a pussy. "Transvestite" is an archaic term for "crossdresser" that no one uses anymore.

Now, I don't know what your friend is looking for in a sex partner, CLOD, but considering his observed pickup history ("a really masculine- seeming girl," "Kevin Garnett in a wig," "another manly looking transvestite type"), it's possible that he's not interested in either trans women or crossdressers.

I did drag for nearly a decade, and there was a certain kind of guy who lurked around drag shows. By all appearances, these guys were straight. But they weren't interested in women, they weren't interested in boys who could pass, and they weren't interested in trans women. They were interested in "girls" who were obviously men in drag. They were interested in guys like me: six foot eight in heels, big tits, 26-inch waist (thank you, waist cincher!), and a latex minidress. I was pretty—I'll tweet out a few pictures to prove it—but I didn't look like a woman, cis or trans, I looked like a great big fuckin' drag queen. (My drag name? Helvetica Bold.)

The queens I ran with called the guys who wanted to fuck us "panty chasers." It was an odd choice, seeing as none of us actually wore panties. (Trans and cis women wear panties, CLOD; drag queens wear dance belts over tights.) I didn't know at the time that there was an actual $20 term for guys who were into us: gynandromorphophiles, aka "lovers of males in the shape of females." Some gynandromorphophiles are into crossdressers, some are into drag queens, and some are attracted to trans women. While some want partners who can pass, many gynandromorphophiles do not. They want the mix to be obvious. Give the kind of gynandromorphophile who chased after me and my friends in drag a choice between a "real woman"—cis or trans—and a guy who looks like "Kevin Garnett in a wig," and he'll choose Kevin Garnett every time.

So back to your panty-chasing friend, CLOD. I'm pretty sure the reason you've never seen him "act this way when sober" is because booze provides him with the courage he needs before he picks up "Kevin Garnett in a wig" and the alibi he needs after. My advice: Stop cock-in-frock-blocking your friend and let him know you accept him for who he is, and you may help him find the courage to accept himself before his liver gives out.

I'm a straight 18-year-old female, a senior in high school, and I'm still a virgin. I'm fine with this. I'm going to a university about 3,000 miles away next fall, and I am starting to wonder about going on some method of birth control. My degree is going to take me six years to complete, and I expect that within those six years I might want to have sex with someone. Would going to the doctor and having an implant or IUD inserted be dumb? (I might want a long-term method of birth control.) I trust the doctor I have here at home; the second I turned 14, he gave me tons of info on birth control and how I can get access to it. So I would be more than comfortable getting it through him. Please let me know if I'm overthinking all of this and whether or not I should cross birth control off of my pre-college to-do list.

Thinking I Might Encounter Love Yearning

"It is in no way 'dumb' to consider contraception as a virgin," says Dr. Unjali Malhotra, medical director for Options for Sexual Health British Columbia, aka the Planned Parenthood of British Columbia. "It is actually best to get on a method prior to ever having sex to ensure she is happy on her chosen option before acutely requiring it for birth control."

Dr. Malhotra also supports—acutely supports—your preference for a long-term method.

"Although oral contraceptives are popular," says Dr. Malhotra, "they have up to a 9 percent 'typical-use' failure rate." Pills can fail a woman who forgets to take them—which is all too common—but a woman can't forget to take her IUD or implant. Which is why progesterone-releasing IUDs have failure rates of 0.2 percent, copper IUDs have failure rates of 0.8 percent, and implants have failure rates of 0.05 percent. "TIMELY can choose between a nonhormonal copper IUD, a progesterone-releasing IUD, and a progesterone-releasing implant," says Dr. Malhotra. "Timing-wise, she has options of a three-year implant, five-year IUD, and 10-year IUD. There are advantages to each, which she can discuss with her physician. And, despite myths to the contrary, there are very few risks with an IUD, and she can remove it and get pregnant at any time if she wishes."

None of these options, however, will protect you from sexually transmitted infections, TIMELY, so use condoms regardless. For more info about birth control, sexual health, and STIs, go to optionsforsexualhealth.org.

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Dan Savage — Wed, 20 Feb 2013 04:00:00 -0800

The Wedding Party by Dan Savage

A PROGRAMMING NOTE: I hosted a live taping of the Savage Lovecast in Seattle on Valentine's Day, and it went great—thanks to all who came (especially to the five boys who left with butt plugs in their butts)—but I made the mistake of having a drink or five afterward, and I'm so fucking hungover right now that I shouldn't be sitting upright, much less giving advice. But deadlines are deadlines. So here we go...

I'm a 31-year-old genderqueer in Brooklyn with a large family on Long Island. My only sister got engaged 48 hours ago, and she's moving fast on planning the wedding. I have two questions.

Number one question: I texted my sister the only date I wasn't available in the next two years, which is Columbus Day weekend 2013. I have my 10-year college reunion, which I've been organizing. My sister texted me back that they picked this Columbus Day weekend for the wedding even though they have no idea if the places they want will be booked up. It quickly came out that they didn't check with anyone about potential conflicts. She wants me to be the maid of honor, and I'm not sure what to do. She's really upset with me. Columbus Day weekend is of no significance to them (it's not the anniversary of the date they met or anything), and I can't reschedule the reunion.

Number two question: I was born female but do not identify that way. I'm genderqueer and do not look like a girl. I have not worn a dress in 10 years and feel like I'm in drag in one. In the past, my sister said she would consider putting me in a pantsuit-ish kind of thing at her wedding, which would be great, but I am worried that now I'm rocking the boat too much with this Columbus Day thing and I don't know if I should just leave it alone. My girlfriend, who is very pretty and feminine, said if I had to wear a dress, she'd go in a suit and bow tie.

Dan, help! If for some reason my sister can't get her weekend, it will be because they're rushing and everything is booked, but I have already caused trouble! Is it worth it to fight for the pantsuit thing, or should I just leave it alone and do what she wants?

Thank You So Much

Number one answer: If your sister didn't check with anyone—not members of her immediate family, not members of her bridal party—about potential conflicts, then your sister should've anticipated that some of the folks wouldn't be able to attend. Folks who aren't getting married have lives and commitments of their own, which means they can have conflicts, and your sister could've worked around those conflicts if she had cared to ask about them. But she didn't care to ask, because she seems to be one of those brides-to-be who think an engagement ring on her finger puts her ass at the center of the universe. Here's hoping your sister can't get the venue she wants and has to reschedule. If that doesn't happen, TYSM, tell your sister you'll be with her in spirit and send a gift.

Number two answer: The fact that your sister has been engaged for 48 hours and is already furious with her maid-of-honor-elect is a bad sign. You'll be doing yourself, both families, and your sister a service if you stand up to her now. A little pushback now will either prevent your sister from going Bridezilla or get you dropped from the wedding party. You literally can't lose. So tell your sister now that you're delighted to be her maid of honor, if scheduling allows, and that you look forward to shopping for a pantsuit that matches her dress and the dresses of her bridal party. If she tells you that you have to wear a dress to be her maid of honor, TYSM, then it's clear that the dress is more important to your sister than the person wearing it, and you should tell her to find someone else to model it at her wedding.

A gay friend of mine is getting married in Seattle, and we're hoping to throw him a most excellent bachelor party. However, as a straight dude, I'm fairly clueless about gay strip clubs in the Seattle area. Can you please recommend one or two good ones?

Straight Best Man

There are no gay strip clubs in Seattle, SBM, I'm sorry to say. You can blame the Washington State Liquor Control Board for that sad fact. Adults in Seattle can look at naked people or they can have a drink, but they can't have a drink while looking at naked people. While there's enough demand for naked ladies in Seattle to make non-booze-servin' straight strip clubs economically viable, there isn't enough demand for naked boys to make gay strip clubs economically viable. (And people have tried.) There is, however, a great gay strip club in Portland, Oregon, called Silverado. If gay strippers are a must, plan a road trip as well as a bachelor party.

My boyfriend and I are talking about getting married, and I am incredibly excited about marrying this awesome dude. My problem is that my ideal engagement ring is something that looks nice but is cheap. Seriously, a $50 ring would be perfect. I don't want something expensive because (A) it'll make me paranoid about losing it/having it stolen, and (B) I'd rather use the money for something else, like a house. However, my guy wants to spend about a grand on an engagement/wedding ring set. Given his income, this is far from an outrageous expense, but I'd still rather have my $50 cubic zirconia. I've talked with him about this, and we joke about how the stereotypical roles are reversed here, with me being the one who wants to go cheap and him wanting something more. But he's holding fast. Any ideas how I might be able to get my way and make him see that he's my prize, not the jewelry?

Not A Ring Girl

The difference between the engagement ring you'd prefer and the ring set your fiancé wants to buy—$950—ain't nothin', NARG, but it's not enough to buy a fucking house. I could see digging in your heels if your fiancé wanted to spend twenty grand on a ring, as that kind of money would go a long way toward a down payment; I could see going to war if he was planning to go into debt to buy you a rock. But learning to pick your battles is the secret to a happy, successful marriage, NARG, and the difference between a $50 ring and a far from outrageous $1,000 ring set isn't worth fighting about. You want to make him see that he's your prize? Let him have his way on this.

My brother and his new wife had a three-way with a male hotel receptionist while on their honeymoon. I don't have a problem with three-ways in theory, but I think it's wrong to have one on your fucking honeymoon. I was their best man. What am I supposed to do now?

Disgusted Big Bro

You're supposed to shut the fuck up and mind your own business—now and always.

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

My new book—American Savage: Insights, Slights, and Fights on Faith, Sex, Love, and Politics—comes out in May. Order it now!

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