http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/06/08/sl-letter-of-the-day Comments On: SL Letter of the Day: Pout It Out by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2013 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Wed, 22 May 2013 00:00:01 -0700 Wed, 22 May 2013 06:30:00 -0700 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Posted by sissoucat]]> Fri, 15 Jun 2012 06:37:38 -0700 The Stranger
Sounds like you just do PiV sex his way. In this case: If his big needs are always met, and your big needs are ignored or given lip service, then he doesn't value fairness and probably won't change as long as he is getting what he wants. His crying says that he cares, his lack of proposing solutions or effort says that he's happy as is. I'm not counting consent to be masturbated beforehand as 'effort'. It's hard to deal with someone who says one thing and demonstrates the opposite. If you are determined to stay in this relationship, you only have 2 options; accept that your mate will never show care for you, or draw unbreakable boundaries, like refusing to participate in unfair behavior. Can you handle the reduction in your sex life to acts that you consider fair? With a manipulator, this can be very limiting. Perhaps the only fair sex that he can handle is jacking and jilling off together at first. But maybe he'll consent to lay there as you move as you like so that you will do that for him again. He'll either learn to give as much as he takes or leave you for a doormat.

If I'm wrong and his actions and words actually match, then you can try having a second sex session a few minutes after the first, or asking him to lay passive as you demonstrate what you like, or he could read a sex manual like She Comes First, or experiment with restraining him if he's very forceful, or you could grind off on his abs as a baby step, etc.

Source: relationship with a covert aggressive personality (manipulator)
Posted by Philophile]]> Thu, 14 Jun 2012 13:57:11 -0700 The Stranger Posted by MichelleZB]]> Tue, 12 Jun 2012 21:06:38 -0700 The Stranger Posted by Registered European]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 20:06:12 -0700 The Stranger
I could have decided to just stay locked up safe in my house, and only fuck my husband. But some helpful people on Slog gave great advice, which has led to many happy escapades since then and a few less satisfying ones that were easily ended once I realized I wasn't happy.

Thanks, aureolaborealis! I'm here when I can, these days... Work gets in the way more than it used to, alas.
Posted by EricaP]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 13:31:41 -0700 The Stranger Posted by aureolaborealis]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 11:51:23 -0700 The Stranger
a) stopping paying women to fuck you, lest you end up in the news some day, with the local police excavating your back yard, AND

b) don't take it out on other women, like, say, EricaP.

And:

3) go fuck yourself.
Posted by aureolaborealis]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 11:49:01 -0700 The Stranger
Because we'd love to have sex more than we do, we're ready to go when it does.
Posted by Funky Monkey]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 11:42:42 -0700 The Stranger
@58: You make the point that each person has her (or his) own experience, and as long as we're enjoying it and satisfied, who cares how it compares to other people's.

The LW is not satisfied.
Posted by Funky Monkey]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 11:28:42 -0700 The Stranger if the pounding starts going on too long, I give increasingly explicit signals:
"Oh god yes, yes!"
"Oh, baby, I want to feel you come inside me!
"Oh, fuck, come in me!"

My god, that is sad. It's exactly like the obviously fake "encouragements" that prostitutes come up with to "get it over with". At least they are getting paid for it. Why are you even doing this?
Posted by Registered European]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 10:51:49 -0700 The Stranger Posted by EricaP]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 09:02:49 -0700 The Stranger Posted by humananimal]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 08:23:32 -0700 The Stranger Posted by geoz]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 06:26:29 -0700 The Stranger EricaP's transcript == epic).

@39 What part of my comment implied holding off between orgasms? "No need to be cruel, I'm guessing he wouldn't turn down hand-, blow-, or tit- jobs." As many others have noted, communication seems to be a big issue, with an implied element of coercion. Making a game of "this is your week to please me" seems more than reasonable, especially given the fact that marriage is on the menu.

Sounds more emotional than physical to me at this point.
Posted by x14n]]> Mon, 11 Jun 2012 01:26:44 -0700 The Stranger Posted by alguna_rubia]]> Sun, 10 Jun 2012 21:55:26 -0700 The Stranger
You clearly orgasm, because the fiancé helps get you off by licking your nipples while you use a vibrator (and why you aren't having him use it escapes me....)

But you start out with "He doesn't get me to have an orgasm." So either nothing else works now for you but vibrator/nipples OR he doesn't do anything but hop on top OR you only mean orgasm from PiV. There's a big difference in how you would handle those scenarios.
Posted by Juliet Audobon]]> Sun, 10 Jun 2012 14:59:21 -0700 The Stranger "Oh god yes, yes!"
"Oh, baby, I want to feel you come inside me!
"Oh, fuck, come in me!"
If that doesn't work, I'll give it another minute and then I'll say, okay, that was great, wow, I need a drink of water, wow, you're amazing. When I get back to bed, I'll give him a blowjob, and encourage him to use his hand to bring himself off.
Don't mean to derail the thread; just wanted to reply to sissoucat's comment.

Posted by EricaP]]> Sun, 10 Jun 2012 11:12:48 -0700 The Stranger Posted by it's not fair to you ~or~ them]]> Sun, 10 Jun 2012 10:17:48 -0700 The Stranger
I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt if every single time he comes within five minutes every single time after a span of four years. If he hasn't done anything right so far, his "guilt" sounds self-pitying and fully unconstructive. Shit, maybe if he DID fee guilt about his actions, it'd certainly delay orgasm.
Posted by not that she's without criticism, but he has work to do]]> Sun, 10 Jun 2012 10:15:59 -0700 The Stranger
"I've talked to him about it and instead of coming up with solutions and doing them, he gets hurt and I feels guilty and I let it go. "

How does she talk to him about it? Is it genuinely constructive, or is it all about how he is supposedly failing her? He could be acting whiny and too defensive, but as others have noted, she might also be bringing it up in a less-than-helpful manner.
Posted by Morosoph]]> Sun, 10 Jun 2012 10:03:45 -0700 The Stranger Posted by sissoucat]]> Sun, 10 Jun 2012 01:21:57 -0700 The Stranger
@Erica_P remember the old question of how long PIV can last before it becomes tiring for a woman ? I thought more than 30 min for me, but I couldn't be sure because I always lost tract of the clock in the heat of the moment. Recently I was finally able to clock it, and having had good non-PIV sex beforehand, we lasted one hour at PIV without any discomfort nor soreness. Of course it's not a contest or anything, but enjoying very long PIV can happen to females, though not without non-PIV sex beforehand in my case. For comparison, if it's PIV only on the menu, I have no orgasms nor much feeling of what's going on down there, and I can't wait for it to stop ; 10 min of PIV is already one hour too long.
Posted by sissoucat]]> Sun, 10 Jun 2012 01:20:41 -0700 The Stranger
That's what a good friend of mine thought when she married this amazing guy. Fast forward 5 years and 2 kids, and they were having sex twice a year, if that ; the last two times they had sex is when the 3rd and 4th one were conceived. She was highly sexual. He was amazing. She took a lover, "fell in love" with him though he was not amazing but the sex was great, and now her 4 kids live with Mum and see Dad every other week-end - though Mum still holds Dad in very high esteem. She still likes him, if not loves him - but unmet sexual needs are a disaster waiting to happen. As for the lover he's out of the picture.

Relationship based on love without sexual compatibility end more slowly, sure. But they still end, and usually they do when the kids are young. Do you want that for your future kids ? Or do you want a relationship with love and with sexual compatibility, that will hold until the kids are grown up ?

My 20-yo self would have told you "you go, girl". My 40-yo self tells you to do the sensible thing, you may have a protracted engagement until sex becomes rewarding with him if you want, but don't have kids yet, and be prepared to let him go, for both of you to find someone more sexually compatible, when you'll find out that it's not gonna happen. You'll do both of you a huge favor.

Posted by sissoucat]]> Sun, 10 Jun 2012 00:57:20 -0700 The Stranger Posted by alguna_rubia]]> Sat, 09 Jun 2012 15:43:07 -0700 The Stranger
That worries me, because that is the reaction of a thinking head, when clearly her body is unhappy and shutting down on her responses. And imagine where that path will take you in 10 years or with a few kids. I hope you aren't planning to marry this man as soon as you graduate - please give yourself time after you graduate and away from the pressures of school.

I like the practical advice, Dan's and Seandr @13. Call him on the pouting, stop lying about coming, make him read your letter and the responses. (You are both grown-ups, right?) Maybe he is a fine and good man for you, and I hope you can can fix this. You do know that any smart man would be completely appreciative of your natural sex drive?

Good sex is cerebral too. Where is your head when he is licking you and you have your vibrator? Maybe he needs to appreciate what's happening in your head, too.

A lot of people are saying that she isn't communicating, or he isn't communicating, but it sounds like she is trying hard to communicate in different ways to make that connection. As suggested several times, it is very possible that there is manipulation or the bad kind of power games. Good luck though.
Posted by UrbanDuck]]> Sat, 09 Jun 2012 13:27:19 -0700 The Stranger