http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/09/17/the-column-in-question Comments On: The Column In Question by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2013 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Thu, 23 May 2013 00:00:01 -0700 Thu, 23 May 2013 23:45:00 -0700 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss Posted by anneathema]]> Sun, 20 Jan 2013 01:51:30 -0800 The Stranger He has magical spells and voodoos for what whatever situation you find yourself,could be for HIV, Cancer,law suit.. etc I am a living testimony to this and its so obvious that I can't keep my mouth shot, I was stunned and found this unbelievable, Now I have my husband back and can handle all my financial crisis.. I really hope he doesn't mind me advertising his contact on the internet but I'm sure any help/ extra work will benefit him. contact him at Magibarabara@gmail.com and http://magibara.gnbo.com.ng
Hope this helps everyone that is in a desperate situation as I once was.

Posted by karenschmuki]]> Sat, 22 Sep 2012 10:46:14 -0700 The Stranger
Lauren seems like the type of person who; on one hand, severely degrades the spirit of justice and integrity but; on the other hand, could be easily cured with a swift punch in the face and then be told to repent their sins and live cleanly from here forward.
Posted by fetish]]> Thu, 20 Sep 2012 21:08:20 -0700 The Stranger
It's a shame that Lauren was rewarded for her trollery. She sucks.
Posted by portland scribe]]> Wed, 19 Sep 2012 15:59:32 -0700 The Stranger
Danny;

One of your most Ardent FanBoys

(Bob. In Baltimore....)

claims to have found a secret recording of you from 2006

in which you endorse legalizing Polygamy.

He has even posted a transcript
(on Slog, for crying out loud.
Punked on your on blog!
damn- the internets are a jungle....)

"I have the same reaction to legalizing marriage for gays as I do for polygamists. What’s the big deal? Legalize it. It’s kind of like arguing against giving women the vote because then women will want to enter the work force. (Horrors!)"-Dan Savage

Please clarify.....

(we call this to your attention because we are sure you want to get out in front of this budding scandal early...)
Posted by Enquiring Minds]]> Wed, 19 Sep 2012 09:36:38 -0700 The Stranger Posted by diner mo]]> Wed, 19 Sep 2012 02:54:24 -0700 The Stranger
Sounds like you were broken well before your assault.
Posted by jfc, yo]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 21:05:02 -0700 The Stranger Posted by msanonymous]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 20:58:57 -0700 The Stranger Posted by avast2006]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 19:07:53 -0700 The Stranger Posted by Mango_Kitten]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 18:21:18 -0700 The Stranger Posted by MarquisDesMoines]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 17:25:58 -0700 The Stranger
Dan really distinguished himself from a professional therapist in this column. A professional would understand that the road to helping this woman did not involve ever talking to her like that. Also, a professional probably had to go back in and undo what he did (along with what the rapist and a lot of victim blamers also did). Because Dan has such a powerful, popular voice, and minions to agree with him, he had more power to hurt this person, which he did. He wasn't prepared or educated enough to answer this letter, and he should have sat this round out.
Posted by tinkerbell9]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 17:22:59 -0700 The Stranger "Do you love your husband? Is your marriage a priority? Then start acting like it" This goes beyond simply being blunt. He is accusing her of lying about loving her husband. "

I don't read it that way. I read it as, "You claim to love your husband but your actions are violently at odds with that claim. Time to bring your actions in alignment with your sentiments," does not mean you are lying about feeling those sentiments. "Then start acting like it" is not the same as "Then stop lying about it." It means exactly what it says.
Posted by avast2006]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 16:05:32 -0700 The Stranger distorted the contents of the original letter.

If she had said ... "the rape victim who had gone
cold on her husband but was still running hot with
a lover" that would have been an accurate representation.

I can see how rape victim might need to take her anger out on a male, and how she would want to keep a positive expression of her sexuality also. It's unlikely that she could reverse the roles (... torture the lover by withholding sex & keep the connection with the husband ...) because the lover,
not caring as much, would probably just bolt. The fact that her connection with the lover increases the torture for her husband is probably a plus for the side of her that needs this.

Having been victimized, she becomes a victimizer -
of one who really cares because he is the only one
who will hang around for it.

This is not OK.
It's harmful to her and to all those around her.

Dan was too soft on her if anything.

I hope she got some therapy that worked.
If not, I'm sure she got a divorce.

Posted by Robby]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 15:54:34 -0700 The Stranger "If her point was "you shouldn't have called her a selfish shit because she obviously was traumatized and needed counseling", okay, fine, that's a conversation that could be had."

True, it is a conversation. Personally, I think that it's entirely possible for someone to be traumatized and need counseling, and still get called on what amounts to abusive, bullshit behavior, even if that behavior is in response to the trauma. I don't think Dan needed to "pull that punch."
Posted by avast2006]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 15:28:26 -0700 The Stranger
And just like PTSD, she really needs to get her ass into therapy so that she can a) recover from her assault and b) stop going crazy at every turn.
Posted by gromm]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 13:06:42 -0700 The Stranger Posted by TheLastComment]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 12:31:56 -0700 The Stranger No, we don't know how the letter writer's husband is acting, but my experience wasn't unusual and I can understand why someone would seek as less intimate, less emotionally loaded partner for sex after a rape.
Posted by some display name]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 12:31:22 -0700 The Stranger
69: You're projecting. Your ex sounds like a giant asshole, but this isn't somehow evidence that the LW's husband is also a giant asshole and her boyfriend isn't. Husbands aren't bigger assholes than boyfriends as a rule; assholes simply vary on a case-by-case basis. Husbands are nothing more than permanent(ish) boyfriends, after all.
Posted by Bonefish]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 12:07:15 -0700 The Stranger I referred to my ex as a nice guy as he is. He doesn't talk shit about women, works well with women, his exes (including me) like him, he's a rare guy who can be friends with a woman. My point was even nice guys can handle their partner's rape very badly.
But rape fucks peoples heads up, not just the heads of the rapee, but also heads of their partners, friends and families. The emotional aftermath isn't logical or reasonable. People aren't reasonable or rational, we're emotional. His behavior wasn't great, it was selfish, irrational and absolutely typical.
What wasn't typical is that after we broke up, he owned up to what a shit he'd been, how wrong he was and apologized. For that, I still count him as a friend and a nice guy, a nice guy who really fucked up.
I like with your post about victim blaming being a result of a Just World Hypothesis. I don't think the world is just, but I do think there is ample evidence that is is misogynist.
Posted by forgot what my last display name was]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 12:06:50 -0700 The Stranger
Also, a lot of people respond to rape in self-destructive ways, and one common form of such self-punishment is to destroy your relationships with those important to you. This isn't always done consciously. When this happens, people who genuinely want to help someone recover will call them out on it. Otherwise, pretending that this person can do no wrong because they're a rape victim is a great way to ensure that their suffering extends into even more areas of life. Anyone willing to risk this so that they can LOOK like a more sympathetic person is worthless to a rape survivor.

Sympathy is extremely important to recovery, but that doesn't make it the only important factor; not by a longshot.
Posted by Bonefish]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 11:45:52 -0700 The Stranger Posted by TheLastComment]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 11:33:52 -0700 The Stranger Raped and don't want to have sex with your husband? I can understand why.
When I was raped, I really couldn't deal with my EX-boyfriends guilt trips, his questioning whether it was rape, why didn't I fight back harder, his tears, his sadness, his angry accusations, his anger and crying apologies and having to process his feelings about my rape and how he couldn't stop thinking about me "being with someone else", and blah de fucking blah de blah.
I didn't have time for his feelings, I had my own to deal with. Feelings of not being a human anymore, just some dumb raped woman. Feeling like I had no legal recourse to being raped, like I just found out I have a "free rape" sign stuck to me at all times. All the guilt for my rapeyness causing my *nice* boyfriend so much pain.
And-he's a nice guy, my ex, not a monster, just typical. His property (me) got raped, it's an insult to him and an outrage against him. Want to humiliate a man and show he is nothing? Rape his woman. Old-time tactic, biblical even. Not that he would ever admit this is how he felt, but it was how he acted and I think this is a very typical, common reaction.
If I had been in a poly relationship at the time, like the letter writer and had a husband and a boyfriend, I would have been fucking my boyfriend, not my husband. It's easier to fuck friends than husbands after your raped, it just is. A friend is there for you and doesn't have same sense of ownership as a husband does. Maybe that's fucked up, but rape is real fucked up.
Posted by sick of men's opinions on how raped women should act.]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 11:22:54 -0700 The Stranger
What the just world hypothesis means is, people assume the world is just, and things that happen deserve to have happened. If somebody is rich and successful, people give them the benefit of the doubt, even if they are an enormous cock. "Well, they must be doing something right!" If somebody is downtrodden and attacked, people assume it is their own fault for being in this situation.

When the just world hypothesis is questioned, it makes many people feel insecure. They feel like maybe they do not have as much control over their lives as they previously assumed. Maybe life is random and suffering cannot be avoided. They react to this fear by constructing a delusion of control... for example, pretending an assaulted woman had control over whether she was assaulted or not.

I think the cure of this very common and very flawed way of thinking is a more scientific mindset. People need to accept that they do not always know why bad things happen, and learn to distrust their ingrained desire to blame people.
Posted by TheLastComment]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 11:16:02 -0700 The Stranger
In my own life I noticed that when I bring up something bad from my past, people often tell me it is not an excuse. Many don't seem to distinguish between an excuse and an explanation. This attitude is annoying for people who have no intention of making excuses, people who only want to verbally express their struggles.

Dan used PTSD's love for her husband as a weapon to make her feel guilty about her behavior, intentionally trying to shame her into thinking she is not loving enough. I guess this guilt worship is the sort of behavior you learn growing up Catholic. Normally, I would not complain about this sort of attack, because over the top anger is part of what makes the column so entertaining... but PTSD is a victim. Victimhood is not an excuse for bad behavior, but I think it makes sense to avoid throwing more suffering on top of the truckload of suffering PTSD already experienced.

I think Dan Savage and his readers have biases just like everybody else. I think one of those biases is, the tendency to assume that anybody withholding sex is at fault. This assumption is a reaction against society's assumption that all lack of sex is the fault of the party who wants sex (usually the man).
Posted by TheLastComment]]> Tue, 18 Sep 2012 11:06:07 -0700 The Stranger