http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/10/08/sl-letter-of-the-day-only-the-lonely Comments On: SL Letter of the Day: Only the Lonely by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2013 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Tue, 21 May 2013 00:00:01 -0700 Tue, 21 May 2013 09:45:00 -0700 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss these days i don't sleep with anyone unless i'm sure it's not about appearances. or biological sex, either, fuckit. or any other arbitrary dehumanising bullshit. if they're not into me 'as a person' - complicated, conflicted, and all that it is - they can fuck off.
Posted by sappho]]> Wed, 10 Oct 2012 15:17:43 -0700 The Stranger
If you're single and faced with a list of prospects, the natural thing to do is to decide who you like best, second-best, etc. It's about the preferences of the single person. Sounds like you think that what other people think about you is about you and not them. You should cut that shit out. If someone thinks I'm a 4, I could give 2 shits - in the words of The Dude: "That's just, like, [their] opinion, man."

@DRF - This is why I'm glad not to be single any more.
Posted by smajor82]]> Wed, 10 Oct 2012 07:36:52 -0700 The Stranger Posted by The Beatles]]> Tue, 09 Oct 2012 18:30:18 -0700 The Stranger
@7 Good point, but that only works on men. Most men can go to a gym and get hotter, where increased muscle mass is assumed to contribute to male hotness. What makes women conventionally hot is being young and flawless. That requires surgery.

@25 I read a study that showed that people's idea of beauty, their ideal face, is the average of every face they've seen in their lives. In modern times, the actors and actresses on TV would make up a disproportionate part of that. It's my hypothesis that mass entertainment and the Internet have skewed our perception of beauty far to the extreme.
Posted by DRF]]> Tue, 09 Oct 2012 14:29:40 -0700 The Stranger Posted by lepome]]> Tue, 09 Oct 2012 10:35:01 -0700 The Stranger
@30, I don't think 20 was suggesting that it's sexist to only want to date hotties since there's not much you can do to change who you're attracted to; but it's certainly *entitled* though to expect that your partner be hot when you yourself don't put in the same effort to look good for your partner.

In that vein it reflects the old sexist mentality of women have to be beautiful/sexy, guys just have to be nice and good people (to deserve to get laid). A woman who wants her guy to look good will be called shallow; but if a man does it he's just being a "visual creature"...

There are studies that show that men do in fact prize looks more than women, but appearance is a fundamental part of attraction for both sexes.
Posted by shurenka]]> Tue, 09 Oct 2012 08:21:22 -0700 The Stranger
Why can't it be both?
Posted by entitlement based on misogyny]]> Tue, 09 Oct 2012 08:04:26 -0700 The Stranger Posted by msanonymous]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 20:59:48 -0700 The Stranger
I tell myself that every time I don't feel like going to the gym. And, huh - I lost 40 pounds this year and date HOT men now. Not those "low-caliber" jack-offs I got when I was a fat girl. Sure. Blahblahblah. It's difficult to lose weight. Blahblahblah. It's simple: exercise and eat fewer calories. There are many methods, but the ones I find to be the most effective: High Intensity Interval Training (bodyrock.com is AWESOME) and eating a whole foods, plant-based diet (OK - vegan - but not Bocca burgers and Oreas. I'm talking kale and mushrooms and beans and whole grains - happyherbivore.com is also AWESOME). Know what? It's easy if you want it.
Posted by holdon]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 20:29:09 -0700 The Stranger Posted by TheLastComment]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 20:23:41 -0700 The Stranger Posted by JJinAus]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 19:23:46 -0700 The Stranger Posted by Pridge Wessea]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 19:14:13 -0700 The Stranger
- Losing weight will solve 90% of your problems. In order to lose weight, you need to revamp your lifestyle and exercise more discipline that will inherently change your mind as well as your body. It's hard as hell, but possible. Check out sparkpeople.com for community, info, success stories, etc.

- Keep trolling for skanks if you want, but if you really are on a diet and exercise plan, you'll find that the need for jacking off in some barfly's face at 3AM is not as strong as it once was. Believe me, I did the same as you with the low caliber women. Phone chat lines and S&M websites was where I got them. Dan pretty much hit the nail on the head about the self loathing element, but I have to admit, I had fun.

- High end hookers? Well they are nice, but expensive. Yeah go for it if you want to have fun, but don't think it will be the key to your salvation. While there are plenty of great, fun ladies who will rock your world like a pornstar, there is not one that will not hesitate to milk you dry of all your cash. It's a business after all. Losing weight, not banging hookers, will get you out of this.

- When with someone you give a shit about, be honest about your dick. When it comes time for intercourse, and she asks you to fuck her, say "I have a problem getting hard", then eat that pussy until there is no tomorrow. Some women may dump you the next morning, but some may not. I found one that did not, and working around this issue of mine is more of a mutual pleasure than a burden.

- Your fat is part of your dick problem, but practice is another. What you need is consistent pussy so you can get back in the groove. I say this because for a long time I thought I was "broken" either physically or mentally. You're not. Once you have found a repeat partner, it will start coming back to you.

- Just hang in there. Not everyone is destined to be fuck stallions. If you're like I was, your batting record will improve with age. Women in their 30s and 40s are vastly better in bed than women in their 20s, and they much more accepting of a less than perfect package.

Hang in there brother. I feel your pain. You're not alone.
Posted by yankpunt]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 18:24:41 -0700 The Stranger Oh, trust me, as hard as it is to be a chubby introverted guy, it's 10 times worse to be a chubby introverted girl. I have never been approached or hit on in my 27 years of life, and any time I've done the approaching, I've gotten this same response: a guy will sleep with me, but will consider me "below his caliber."

At least girls don't sleep with guys they find physically abhorrant (excluding gold diggers, of course.)
Posted by Martychan]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 18:23:17 -0700 The Stranger
- Losing the weight is key. Especially since you are in your 20s. No chick in her 20s wants a fat dude unless she can't get laid otherwise. Women are just like men. Always exceptions, but the vast majority won't. You resolve this, you take care of a good 90% of your problem. Damn near impossible, I know. But it is possible. Check out the online resources out there. Check out the success stories on sparkpeople.com

- I'm torn on your trolling for skanks. I honestly don't think stopping would necessarily improve anything about your situation. I did the same thing at your age (phone chat lines and S&M websites were where I met them). I had a lot of funky sexual adventures that I look back pretty fondly on. Stopping this will not miraculously change your opinion of women, and let's face it, plenty of hot women like user jerks so this is really secondary for you to work on. USE PROTECTION!

- The high end hooker thing. Yeah, I would recommend this...but I pretty much would recommend this for any guy just for the thrill of it. In all honesty, it will solve very little with you. It will open your eyes to the much better service of high end girls, but when you're dropping $500 on a sexy 2hr session with a total babe, you'll find yourself wanting more. Immediately. I will say that when I was having a hot session with a more upscale lady, I was sometimes able to maintain an erection during intercourse. Even if I didn't cum, it was a reminder that all was not lost. eroticreview.com is your friend. If they are not up there, don't waste your time or money.

- Eventually things do get better. You live life, become more interesting as a person because you live and learn. If you turn out like me (which I advise against, go lose weight), one day you will go from hard-up to suddenly having attractive women interested in you. It's not just because you are more interesting and more sure of yourself...women have also relaxed their criteria. They are more in tune with their sexuality and want to be fucked wildly. Divorcees and 40-somethings are brilliant and amazing in bed. In fact, look them up now as a young buck.

- All of this is crap advice, but the one thing I can say about the erection thing. Be honest. When it comes time to fuck someone you actually give a shit about, and she asks you for it, just sheepishly grin, tell her you have a hard time getting hard, and eat that fucking pussy like there was no tomorrow. I learned this lesson the hard way. Every time I tried to play it cool, it turned into a massive fail and these women didn't want anything to do with me anymore. However, the last time I was in this situation, I did the honesty followed by devouring thing, and we are still together having all the bizarro kinky sex I learned from years of dipping into the low caliber bucket.

Hang in there brother. You are not alone.


Posted by yankpunt]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 17:33:51 -0700 The Stranger Posted by Exeterite]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 16:30:16 -0700 The Stranger Posted by fix your attitude or die alone]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 16:20:24 -0700 The Stranger
What keeps you up at night?: exestential ennui
What song or movie makes you cry?: Star Wars Episode III
What movie can you recite verbatim?: The Princess Bride

well that does it, i'm straight now.
Posted by enoch]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:48:47 -0700 The Stranger These are the options as I see them:
1)Get in better shape and work on your rapport. I find that pick-up artist stuff can actually help you, just by seeing that it's not about looks but confidence and by just being bloody interesting to talk to instead of incredibly self-conscious.
2)Accept yourself as you are and look for women that you have a mutual attraction with. It isn't easy to like yourself after a lifetime of self-deprecation, but it's worth the effort.
3)Start saving up for the sexbots that will be eventually available.
Posted by niko4ever]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:36:43 -0700 The Stranger Posted by AKA "men of low caliber"....]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:12:28 -0700 The Stranger
That said, it sucks being the introverted chubby dude. It does, and there aren't many consolation prizes (I think I speak for a lot of men when I say I'd trade my straight male privilege for lookist privilege any day of the week). Spend time at the gym (recognizing that your health is probably going to improve a lot more than your appearance), find a hetero-social hobby (kickball, dancing, whatever), and try to develop a steady relationship. Find meaning and self-esteem somewhere besides your black book. Not everyone gets to be a party to hook-up culture just like not everyone gets to play college football. Yeah, it's unfair, it hurts, but there's no accounting for it. To paraphrase James Baldwin: Maturity is giving up, without bitterness or self-pity, one set of goals for another.
Posted by chaseacross]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:01:00 -0700 The Stranger
There are plenty of 10 guys who would love to hook up with a chubby chick. Check out Craigslist...muscular, attractive, young dudes who would be happy to hook up with a 50 yr old chubby woman. The relative unavailability of NSA sex with any woman increases the ability for women to be choosier. And yes, the more traditionally attractive a woman is, the higher she can raise her standards to include career success, money, etc.

As a chubby gay dude I can say I've hooked up with guys that would be considered way out of my league. There is just not the same female chaser community there that exists among gay guys though.

So yeah, chubby straight girls, chubby lesbians, chubby gay guys looking to hook up with a fit individual all have a lot better chance than straight chub guys. Dan is right: going to the gym is this guy's best option. In the mean time, personality, impeccable grooming and dressing well for your body will help too.
Posted by PoliGeek]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 15:00:21 -0700 The Stranger
I am a sex worker, and I definitely make it my priority to assist clients with confidence, and any misgivings or problems with sexuality. I am sex-positive and try to spread that positivity to as many individuals as I can. Due to the letter writers age, I am going to make a guess that he can probably only afford lower to mid-ranged priced companions. Girls in this business tend to price their work differently depending on the type of work they want to do, and so not as a value judgment but rather as a business perspective I would guess that a lot of the women he is seeing are seeing many clients a day/ week. That can tend to give more of a rushed or clinical feeling to the sessions, and perhaps give him the impression that they are not their to assist him with any of the issues he's having.

If he is interested in pursuing the route of hiring a professional who wants to offer support and assistance with his confidence and sexual issues, he should try looking up sexual surrogates or saving up and splurging on a companion who charges more and offers longer sessions. SOB can feel free to look me up if he lives in the Denver area ;)
Posted by kittenkarlyle]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:49:43 -0700 The Stranger
Raaaawr! Fat loser virgin who sleeps with prostitutes!

Raaaawr! I hate and revile and mock him because reading his question is like looking into a reflection.

Raaaawr! I don't like what I see.


Posted by Joe Borrelli]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:35:14 -0700 The Stranger
Thus the downside of the numerical rating score: does not really address that what *I* think is a 10 is not necessarily what *you* think is a 10. :)
Posted by addiemonroe]]> Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:32:59 -0700 The Stranger