http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2012/12/11/sl-letter-of-the-day-i-dig-chicks Comments On: SL Letter of the Day: I Dig Chicks by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2013 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Sat, 25 May 2013 00:00:01 -0700 Sat, 25 May 2013 12:00:00 -0700 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss
Nobody is making her do it, and in the meantime, the outcome of that particular lie is that she is treating him better than she otherwise would. The only reason it would turn out badly is if she were to eventually turn around and tell him, "Actually, no, you aren't irresistible at all, you're fucking homely and I've been faking the whole time." You will notice that I didn't anywhere suggest that she should do that. I only ever suggested that if she felt like treating him extra nice, that's hardly a violation of his rights.


Posted by avast2006]]> Sat, 15 Dec 2012 23:27:38 -0800 The Stranger deserves to "be able to keep your ex, his family, and your mutual friends in your life." Please note, by the way, that this not any variety of assuming desert that would suit the Prince of Arragon; in my rewrite, the lead casket was a pretentious bit of inverse snobbery, and the third and correct choice was the silver casket, but from the correct point of view.

The concluding pair of questions was also interesting. I can't decide whether she wanted to be told that she deserved to have it all or to DTMFA.
Posted by vennominon]]> Wed, 12 Dec 2012 18:16:20 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Clayton]]> Wed, 12 Dec 2012 05:39:28 -0800 The Stranger Posted by K3]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 22:28:56 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Sasa the Banded Mongoose]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 20:29:25 -0800 The Stranger
Wow, you are a shitty partner.
Posted by lie lie lie lie]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 20:09:43 -0800 The Stranger
YES YES YES for crying out loud, because it's pretty much the opposite of wrecking his life. Continuing to cheat on him would be wrecking his life.
Posted by how can i be selfish without feeling guilty?]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 20:03:46 -0800 The Stranger
If she was doing all this extra sexing (and Ha! @15, yes definitely no kids) with a bunch of guys, the correct framing of the problem would not be Why Do I Have To Dig Guys?
Posted by IPJ]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 18:50:40 -0800 The Stranger I think Dan is making a little joke about Evergreen being the type of politically-charged environment where LTG culture might have happened. I have no idea whether it's still happening, because my experience is from the '60s.
Posted by crone]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 16:24:53 -0800 The Stranger
I gotta get some sleep.
Posted by LateBloomer]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 16:22:37 -0800 The Stranger Posted by LateBloomer]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 16:21:23 -0800 The Stranger
Well, other than cheat on them at the same time I guess.
Posted by LateBloomer]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 16:19:08 -0800 The Stranger
I hope to hell she came clean. 30 is way too young (hell, so is 60) to live a lie, deceive someone whom you love, and make him live without sex with a woman he loves.

As non-monogamous as I am, and as much as I believe in having fun sex without love, can we not just cavalierly discard the whole sex with someone you love thing? Yeah, maybe he'll go for an open relationship (doubt it), but getting to have sex with someone you're in love with is a pretty big thing to sacrifice for the rest of your life. That whole "making love" thing matters to most of the non-monogamous people I know. Definitely way too big to be decided by anyone but him.

And, you know, her self-actualization and all that. Her right to live out loud who she is, and to be in a full and complete relationship. I can't imagine how hard it is to come out, let alone while you're in a straight relationship, but I also can't imagine willingly choosing to stay in a relationship that can't give you what you need, and making that choice for an unwitting someone else, to boot.
Posted by secretagent]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 16:12:21 -0800 The Stranger
Ohhhh I know. No kids, right? I get it.
Posted by LateBloomer]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 16:09:30 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Ross]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:54:18 -0800 The Stranger
That is very true about small towns. The pressure to pair off is huge, especially if you have been dating for a while and don't have a big obvious reason not to. It is all part of the "high school sweethearts" Hollywood myth. It is easy to allow yourself to drift along into a marriage with someone who is not Mr/Mrs Right, just because they are not Mr/Mrs Oh-So-Wrong.
Posted by geminilee]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 14:40:44 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Mattini]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 12:17:43 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Lance Thrustwell]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 11:48:03 -0800 The Stranger
As weird as it is to date someone from ages 15 to 30 in the city, it is even weirder to have done so in a small town. The social pressure to get married is unbelievable. If they'd been in a small town in Nebraska or Iowa, they should be married and divorced by now.

Unless they're meth addicts. That's a whole different culture.
Posted by wingedkat]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 11:05:51 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Hernandez]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 11:01:56 -0800 The Stranger "the right (1) not to be lied to for the rest of his life

Well, it kind of depends on the lie. If the lie is "I find you irrresistible," and she can fake it convincingly, that's really her burden to bear for as long as she wants to bear it, more than it is his right to not be lied to in that particular way. If, on the other hand, the lie is "I'm faithful to you," then no, she needs cut it the hell out.

"and (2) not to be cheated on for the rest of his life"

See above.

"and (3) to be with a woman who actually wants to have sex with him"

This one is a bit complicated. Yes, he has that right. However, that right might be expressed in a way that preserves your relationship. In other words, he MIGHT go for an open relationship with you, if he also gets a woman (or more than one) who actually wants to have sex with him. If the rest of your relationship is really that awesome, he might elect to keep it, provided you don't deprive him of that very thing (sexual satisfaction) that you yourself have been taking for yourself by stealth outside the relationship.

Bottom line is the same though: You have to tell the truth, even if it means potentially wrecking what you have. You can either keep what you have, or you can get what you want, but you cannot do both by stealth.
Posted by avast2006]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 10:59:26 -0800 The Stranger
This is a perfect storm for a clean break - young "puppy love" and compatibility before realizing the opposite sex attraction. He and his family will much more easily accept you leaving due to being a lesbian (who truly loves him, more like a sister) than the more typical "I'm just not physically attracted to you anymore and want other men". Drop him gently, come out, be happy.

(I'm in the middle of a mediation so lots of free time on my hands to SLOG comment today - sorry for the long posts.)
Posted by Jaymz]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 10:59:26 -0800 The Stranger
I'm actually not convinced there's much choice involved in any preference, let alone orientation. I don't decide what I dig; I discern what I dig.

Then again, maybe we're all just misunderstanding the verb "to dig," with some using it as a being verb and others as something more active.After all, "lying next to a woman after we have gotten each other off for hours" is certainly a choice.
Posted by thelyamhound]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 10:56:43 -0800 The Stranger
15 years is a pretty strong and invested relationship to give up, so I can see why it would be hard. Of course, lying and sleeping around behind his back isn't just giving up on it, it is sabotaging it to the point where it will be destroyed beyond all salvage and recognition. Making a decision without actually deciding.

I do wonder if they couldn't try an open relationship first. She says she "no longer" wants to have sex with her boyfriend, which makes me think she used to want to have sex with him. If she's bi and bored, cheating exclusively with women could just be a way to avoid laying blame on herself or her boyfriend: "I love you, but I can't help it! I'm a lesbian!"

Posted by wingedkat]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 10:53:48 -0800 The Stranger Posted by brandon]]> Tue, 11 Dec 2012 10:40:51 -0800 The Stranger