http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2013/02/15/sl-letter-of-the-day-my-bi-guy Comments On: SL Letter of the Day: My Bi Guy by Dan Savage en-us Copyright 2013 The Stranger. All rights reserved. This RSS file is offered to individuals, The Stranger readers, and non-commercial organizations only. Any commercial websites wishing to use this RSS file, please contact The Stranger. webmaster@thestranger.com (The Stranger Webmaster) Sun, 19 May 2013 00:00:01 -0700 Sun, 19 May 2013 16:00:00 -0700 Foundation http://blogs.law.harvard.edu/tech/rss
@41, I'm also a bisexual who grew up in a religious community (pastor's daughter, actually). You haven't said whether you're still religious or not -- I realized (consciously) that I was bisexual after I stopped believing in God, so that was lucky for me. However, I still have vestiges of the shame/taboo leftover; I often have upsetting dreams about my parents disapproving of my bisexuality, and also have a fetish for the idea of sex outside my relationship (though I've never cheated).

Anyway, I've found that channeling the whole shame/taboo thing in a sexual context (e.g. having your wife "punish" you for thinking about men while you're fucking) can be cathartic, as long as you keep in mind that rationally you have nothing to be ashamed of, and of course as long as you know that she doesn't actually think that. Just a suggestion. Might help you work through some of those issues.
Posted by abstractioness]]> Thu, 21 Feb 2013 15:00:14 -0800 The Stranger Posted by abstractioness]]> Thu, 21 Feb 2013 14:51:21 -0800 The Stranger
I think you're in a good place to start working through the questions you're asking. You have a supportive partner and you're opening your mind to the possibility that there is another way to look at your bisexuality. Keep your mind and heart open and know that there are lots and lots of people who will accept you for who you are.

PS. I know Dan recommended jumping into the mix but I think that really depends on what you're ready for. In the meantime there are lots of websites where a hot guy should be able to explore the possibilities from the safety of his laptop :)


Posted by jujubee80]]> Tue, 19 Feb 2013 21:38:02 -0800 The Stranger So to dive into my mess, firstly I hope that I’m not coming off as a homophobe because I honestly don’t care at all that people are gay I’m all about live and let live, I just feel guilty that I am. Growing up god fearing has made me think that my attraction was something to be ashamed of, and I know my family and friends would disapprove if they knew. But on top of my religious hang-ups I feel guilty for having a sexual desire outside our marriage because I’ve always thought marriage was a commitment to monogamy. I am also afraid that even though she is supporting me exploring my gay side, there may be resentment from her later on, and I wouldn’t want to do anything that could hurt her or our marriage. And I couldn’t even the fields by having an open marriage – while I’m totally comfortable with the idea of her fooling around with a girl, I think I would die if she ever did with another guy. And since she is completely hetero, being with a girl wouldn’t be an option… (I’m not interested in fooling around with any other girls.)
I have always been attracted to both sexes sometimes equally and sometimes more one way than the other. My problem is I never really got to experiment with guys before we were together because I was so sure that it was sinful and ever since we got married whenever I’m on a gay kick it freaks me out that I’ll never get the chance to explore that side of me. So really I’m wondering if fooling around with guys will cure my freakouts and make me more comfortable with who I am? Is it worth the possible risks? Can I just bury my desires and hope they go away?

Thanks for all the advice so far.


Posted by the bi guy]]> Tue, 19 Feb 2013 18:05:54 -0800 The Stranger
I hope it isn't an etiquette breach, but I wonder about the circumstances under which the husband lost his virginity at age 13. That was his only experience with a man, and this seems bound up in his shame and self-loathing issues.

Perhaps there is some trauma there that might need to be resolved en route to a more healthy outlook and sexuality?
Posted by Bond Quartermaster]]> Mon, 18 Feb 2013 17:23:38 -0800 The Stranger
~ducks the flying shoes~
Posted by undead ayn rand]]> Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:45:19 -0800 The Stranger
Email: SLhottwink@live.com
Posted by SL Hot Twink]]> Mon, 18 Feb 2013 13:17:19 -0800 The Stranger I'm in awe of the LW, her confidence and selfless support of her husband are amazing.
Posted by jujubee80]]> Mon, 18 Feb 2013 05:50:38 -0800 The Stranger Posted by TenrSinger]]> Sun, 17 Feb 2013 22:39:04 -0800 The Stranger
and... for the record... i'm female, genderqueer; with one long-term male friend/lover, one long-term female friend/lover (both nearly two decades), and two kids. i'm mostly into women, and the occasional gay guy. i don't like to fall in love with anyone, ever. not because i have commitment issues(see above), but because i can't see the point. and it just looks like a mental health issue to me.
i don't identify as 'bi', partly because biology really isn't something i even consider when it comes to sexual partners - are they a good friend is more important... and partly because of the 'potential partners' assumptions that people make when one uses that term. as @20 did. my observation, in new zealand, is that there is a hetero-associated bi demographic, and a queer-community bi demographic (who you prob don't know are bi unless you ask...) and the two almost never meet. both are largely invisible, but both are in their appropriate cultural position, and tend to function according to the social expectations of that group.
Posted by sappho]]> Sun, 17 Feb 2013 14:38:42 -0800 The Stranger
On the other hand...sometimes I wonder if it might not be a good idea to develop some kind of short hand to differentiate between those (rarer) bisexuals who are actually 50/50. I've been trying to coin the phrase "heteroqueer" to refer to people like myself and my husband, but it hasn't caught on, yet.
Posted by laurelgardner]]> Sun, 17 Feb 2013 10:04:26 -0800 The Stranger Posted by undead ayn rand]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 20:54:17 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Alphie]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 19:20:08 -0800 The Stranger Posted by dreadnought07]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 15:49:20 -0800 The Stranger Posted by chi_type]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 14:26:39 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Violet415]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 13:56:26 -0800 The Stranger Posted by eclexia]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 12:53:44 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Dan's Tulane friend who's obsessed with str8/bi guys]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 12:13:13 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Ophian]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 11:41:56 -0800 The Stranger
@23 So no.

@24 So hot.
Posted by Ophian]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 11:41:04 -0800 The Stranger
The couple could look through Renboy together... that in itself would be good for a few months of hot sex after browsing. Eventually, bi husband could find the perfect dick attached to the perfect guy.

First "date", no penetration. Wife holds bi husband and plays with his body. Escort lets bi husband jack him off until he blows on husband's chest.

Escort leaves. Husband goes into post-orgasmic emotional hole for a few days, then gets horny again. Repeat. Each time, the bad post-coital feelings mellow out. Eventually, hes ready to stop with the escorts and actually find a guy.
Posted by eclexia]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 11:28:13 -0800 The Stranger Posted by Sargon Bighorn]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 10:45:29 -0800 The Stranger
She's commnicating with him about it, is open to being open, and supporting his desire to go git some. How is that cheating? Getting past that hangup, frankly, might help with getting past some of the others.
Posted by chorizo]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 10:20:26 -0800 The Stranger Posted by willing to help]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 09:48:36 -0800 The Stranger
Look, this whole thing can be reuced to a simple numbers game.

Homosexual women are only attracted to other women. That means 100% of their potential partners are women who are attracted to women.

Heterosexual women are only attracted to men. That means 100% of their potential partners are men who are attracted to women.

Bisexual women are attracted to women and men. If we use the most generous estimates of what percent of the population is homosexual, that means that roughly 15% of our potential partners are women attracted to women and roughly 85% of our potential partners are men attracted to women.

Of course, add to that the fact that there are some lesbians who won't persue a relationship with a bi girl because she is "only [going] to jump back on a dick in a couple months" and you have one helluva self fulfilling prophecy on your hands.

But hey, as long as you get to be right, right?

I will say this, though: those bi folks Dan likes to mention, the ones who "fall in love with people, not genitalia?" Yeah, they piss me right the fuck off, too. That's a rude, horrible, dismissive thing to say. In fact, it's right up there with putting another person's sexuality in quotation marks.
Posted by MiscKitty]]> Sat, 16 Feb 2013 09:40:50 -0800 The Stranger