Follow Dan

Facebook    Twitter    Instagram    YouTube
Savage Lovecast
Dan Savage's Hump
It Gets Better Project

Savage Love Podcast

Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at

Savage Love Archives

More in the Archives »

More from Dan Savage

More in the Archives »

Books by Dan Savage

Want a Second Opinion?

Contact Dan Savage

Savage on YouTube


Hurtful Questions

February 5, 2009

My girlfriend and I are into male-orgasm denial. We've recently tried putting Orajel on my cock and then covering it with two condoms so she can use me as a dildo without me getting off or even feeling anything. It works great. Is there any chance of long-term health issues if we do this once a week or so?

Numb-Dicked Dude

You didn't say which kind of Orajel you are using, but I hope it's not Orajel Advanced Tooth Desensitizer. Its active ingredient—created to treat sensitive teeth, not desensitize cock—is something called "2-hydroxyethyl methacrylate," which sounds like something you might find in baby formula that was made in China. The stuff works, according to Orajel's website, "by blocking dentinal tubules, preventing excitation of the tooth nerve." And, hey, if it's safe enough for your mouth, it's probably safe enough for your cock and for newborns, right? Well, maybe not. A very quick search of the interwebs using that Googlemajob turns up a paper in the Journal of Dental Research with this rather alarming title: "2-Hydroxyethyl Methacrylate (HEMA) Is a Potent Inducer of Apoptotic Cell Death in Human and Mouse Cells."

Any responsible sex-advice professional would read the paper in its entirety and inform you about the likelihood that you're killing off cock cells when you smear them with Orajel Advanced Tooth Desensitizer. But I'm an alarmist sex-advice professional, not a responsible one, so I'm just going to lay that title on you one more time: "2-Hydroxyethyl Methacrylate (HEMA) Is a Potent Inducer of Apoptotic Cell Death in Human and Mouse Cells." I don't know about you, NDD, but I've always erred on the side of not smearing my dick with shit that kills mice. (Not all brands of Orajel contain this ingredient, but a boy can't be too careful.)

It seems particularly foolish to smear any kind of Orajel on your cock when there are products on the market specifically designed for desensitizing cocks, things like Mandelay gel and Proloonging's "penis desensitizing aid delay spray." These products are marketed to men who suffer from premature ejaculation, even though numbing the dick doesn't really cure premature ejaculation. They sound perfect for you and your orgasm-denying girlfriend.

I'm a gay guy, 25, in great shape, no STDs. To make me happy, any long-term relationship will need to have a strong BDSM element to it. And I'm having a lot of trouble finding a BDSM relationship that makes me happy. If I mention my BDSM needs up front when I meet a guy, I get the "never done it, never will" response or the "ew, gross" response. When I date a guy before I mention it, the guy is usually willing to try it (even difficult stuff like CBT and e-stim), but it's always because he likes me and wants to get me off. So while I'm feeling the pain, I'm not feeling dominated. And when I try to find guys specifically into BDSM (leather bars, fetish websites), I only find physically unattractive guys.

I know I'm not the only young, attractive gay guy in Chicago into restraints and pain. But how do I find the others?

Finding Extremely Deficient Erotic Xcitement

Go to, FEDEX, and search for profiles featuring guys who included "S&M" among their interests. You'll find tons of guys under 30, many of them very good-looking, and lots in Chicago. So keep looking, FEDEX. Very few gay guys your age, kinky or not, have managed to find a person they can see entering an LTR with... so no more whining, mmmkay? Continue to search online and in leather bars, continue to be honest with the guys you date, and sooner or later you'll meet someone who's as anxious to introduce you to his parents as he is to torture your cock and balls.

I'm a 27-year-old bi girl, with a lovely fiancée. I'm a top; she's a sub. I'm trying to be responsible, so this weekend I sat down and wrote my will. I hope I won't need it anytime soon, but it makes me feel better to know friends and family will get what I want them to have before the IRS can take the rest. You have to specify each item and its recipient, and that's where I ran into trouble. I want to leave my fiancée's collar to her, rather than Uncle Sam, but wasn't sure how specific I could be without either of us being prosecuted for practicing S&M, which is illegal under current laws in the state where I live. So I can't say, "I'm leaving the S&M collar to my fiancée." We don't have a dog and aren't going to get one, so writing "leather collar" looks strange and makes me nervous. Do you have any advice?

Needs A Good Lawyer

Most people into S&M have a touch of the drama queen about them, I realize, but let's not be ridiculous. If you should precede your sub in death, NAGL, I promise you that Uncle Sam is not going to take possession of your widow's dog collar. But to set your mind at ease, I called a very good lawyer and annoyed him with your very stupid question:

"No, no, no, no. A gift from one person to another is not illegal—that's the bottom-line answer," said D. J. Rausa, a lawyer in California I found via the "Kink-Aware Professionals" listings at the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom. "The government is not going to be interested in a gift, in any gift, unless they can tax it." Unless that dog collar is solid gold and the word "slave" is spelled out on it with big fat diamonds, NAGL, the IRS doesn't give a shit.

And since you don't file a will with the state, but with your lawyer, the odds of being prosecuted for engaging in S&M—already infinitesimal—are nil. Worry about the fact that you can't legally marry your fiancée, NAGL, and not about Uncle Sam swooping in and stealing your sex toys.

RealTouch, the new sex toy for men that you wrote about recently, is a porn-marketing device, not a sex toy. Note that it says on their website that the first "30 minutes [are] free" (translation: You'll have to pay the rest of the time) and that the FAQ says explicitly that it cannot be used by itself. It's a scam, IMO.

Not Buying One

"RealTouch is only activated by the... movies in our video-on-demand library," says Jim McAnally (a pseudonym, I'm thinkin') at RealTouch HQ. A per-minute price has not been established, as the toy is not yet being sold—a detail I would've included last week, had I known—but "the device [will be] activated with 30 minutes when it is purchased."

So you're right, NBO: RealTouch could be considered a porn-marketing device. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a scam, and neither would Mr. McAnally: "The device is driven by a haptic data stream that we have to encode with a lot of detail," he added. "To give you an idea, it takes eight hours to encode 15 minutes worth of content. And that data stream doesn't exist outside of the video that has been encoded."

Good to know. But many men will be disappointed to learn that they can only use this toy when they're watching porn. Here's hoping that RealTouch 2.0 has more functions.


Comments (88) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
Never in all my days did I think I'd be reading about apoptosis in Savage Love.
Posted by Kristina on February 3, 2009 at 8:15 PM · Report this
NAGL is an ass. Seriously.
Posted by irsmurfette on February 3, 2009 at 8:20 PM · Report this
Excellent advice for NAGL, Dan. You combine some solid advice with a little humour, a willingness to go out of your way to find a sufficient answer, and a great message at the end. That's why they pay you the big bucks!

Also I think you're really cute. No, make that sexy. What a lucky boyfriend you have!
Posted by davie on February 3, 2009 at 8:30 PM · Report this
"RealTouch is only activated by the... movies in our video-on-demand library"

If this device is any good at sucking dick, hobbyists will amend this deficiency in no time. First, the software guys will break the encryption on the videos. Not to be out-done, the hardware guys will rip out the micro-controller part, replace it with an Arduino running open source dick-sucking algorithms, and post instructions any horny high schooler with a soldering iron can follow. IF this device is any good at sucking dick.
Posted by Drew on February 3, 2009 at 9:10 PM · Report this
Great advice to NAGL. I never tire of your relentlessness towards the ridiculous. This lady needs to get a grip.
Posted by LoyalSavageLover on February 3, 2009 at 9:23 PM · Report this
Dan, you may have just given me the ultimate professional networking tool. You're the man.
Posted by L on February 3, 2009 at 9:40 PM · Report this
Dan, I am not criticizing the lawyer you consulted, but I have two observations: 1) you don't file your will with the state, but your heirs do file it in court once you are dead. It does become a public document and it might embarrass your heirs. 2) Under the logic of Lawrence v. Texas, it is very dubious that S&M is "illegal" in any state when practice between consenting adults in private.
Posted by Rob on February 3, 2009 at 10:17 PM · Report this
Re: the podcast.

The activist 20-something dating the older guy? I guarantee the sex has always sucked. Guarantee. Dan bullied her into calling it 'awesome,' but I'm sure that was just relative to its general crappiness. You can hear it in her voice-- this guys is so perfect in every way, she wants to pretend the myths are true and that women can forego good sex for a great guy. They're not and they can't.

As for the first-timer using condoms– 'virgin' by whose standards? This guy could be saddlebacking and getting BJs from wart-throated rented boys and still call himself a 'virgin.' Use a fucking condom.
Posted by Kiki on February 3, 2009 at 10:56 PM · Report this
Oh, and it's a 'leather necklace.' The end.
Posted by Kiki on February 3, 2009 at 10:57 PM · Report this
We use Maximum Strength Orajel. The active ingredient is benzocaine just like many products marketed for premature ejaculators. Though the concentration is 20%, whereas most products marketed for use on the penis are 3-7.5%.
Posted by Numb-Dicked Dude's Girlfriend on February 3, 2009 at 11:58 PM · Report this
For FEDEX; is an even less inhibited "social networking site" tailored to his requirements (from leather to lycra and BSDM to WAM). Might be worth a try as well!
Posted by Slippery when wet on February 4, 2009 at 6:29 AM · Report this
FEDEX should try putting an ad in the "X-matches" section of the Chicago Reader. Yeah, he'll get responses from some guys who only think they're hot enough for him, but if that's the biggest problem he's facing, he should count himself lucky.
Posted by My Name Here on February 4, 2009 at 6:48 AM · Report this
FYI...Boy Butter makes a desensitizing great and comes in a very handy "pump" dispenser! I don't recommend it for masturbation purposes though. It's very slick but it stretches the tugging into an olympic event. For anal it's wonderful because it numbs both parties :)
Posted by Brian on February 4, 2009 at 6:51 AM · Report this
I work with Jim, and that's actually, fer realsies, his name. Amusing, but true.
Posted by Liz on February 4, 2009 at 8:13 AM · Report this
re Podcast: Hot 22yo dom woman disappointed with the offerings at BDSM clubs may not be finding the right guy because she's kind of dim and unpleasant (based on the phone call).
Posted by MarcParis on February 4, 2009 at 8:24 AM · Report this
My suggestion to NAGL is to store the collar in a metal box, such as a portable cash box, with a lock, and specify in the will that the box, and its contents, go to sub when NAGL dies. sub would need to know the location of the key, of course, or the combination if they use a combination lock. This is easier and cheaper than putting it in a bank safe deposit box, which would also limit the collar's usability. And they could put other things in the box that are meant for sub's eyes only.

As for the Orajel, cocks don't have dentin, let alone dentinal tubules, so I don't see what the big deal is.
Posted by Robin on February 4, 2009 at 9:47 AM · Report this
Apoptotic cell death (a.k.a. programmed cell death) is not the same thing as a dead mouse. Just ask Golob!
Posted by Nick on February 4, 2009 at 9:49 AM · Report this
I would think NDD and his honey would enjoy prostate milking more than having a numb dick.
Posted by suzy homemaker on February 4, 2009 at 10:00 AM · Report this
Nagl = retard
Posted by GigantoSausage on February 4, 2009 at 10:23 AM · Report this
Seriously, MarcParis. I wanted to seek that girl out and punch her in the face. Not only was she vapid-sounding, she also had an extremely annoying voice. By the end of the phone call, I was hoping Dan would get as frustrated as I was getting and say something rude. In the future, I'm gonna need a picture before someone starts boasting about how hot they are.
Posted by Stupid girls are not rare commodities in the dating world on February 4, 2009 at 10:52 AM · Report this
NDD and his girlfriend could bypass the Oragel altogether and do what my pet and I do: he is only rarely allowed to have an orgasm, and he has to hold it back most times. Of course, after a lot of denial and teasing, his fuse is pretty short, which is where the strap-on and vibrator come in handy! They're for him to use on me and to deny him further pleasure, while still turning him on. It's a lot of fun being a mistress with an obedient pet! And orgasms, which he can earn after serving his mistress properly, become an eagerly-sought reward.
Posted by MissG on February 4, 2009 at 11:11 AM · Report this
NDD needs Indian God Lotion. Find it online. He won't be able to get off for at least a day.

Works better than anything else out there.
Posted by RC on February 4, 2009 at 11:34 AM · Report this
For BDSM people, whatever you do, do NOT go to alt dot com - it is the WORST place - trolls aplenty, psycho people who are horridly abusive (and that is just people posting comments - and it is NOT policed (apparently, they think the drama and threats just keeps bringing people back), bad advice, and you are automatically listed on adultfriendfinder, whether you want to be or not, then they use your pic for ads on other websites. I'm not kidding. Imagine your pic showing up on youporn (or some other site) with a caption under it that says "fuck me tonight" and lists where you are - which is the city you are listed as on your profile. It is vastly disturbing.
Posted by Diva with Cleavage on February 4, 2009 at 11:41 AM · Report this
I hope that NDD and his soul mate are using industrial-grade rubber gloves when rubbing that Maximum Strength Orajel® (MSO) on his dick and then encasing it in two condoms. If either one of them inadvertently spreads that MSO on the soul mate's clit or slit, then she won't be getting off any time soon, either.

If NDD can't feel anything, then his numbed dick is going to become flaccid...and it just might decide to stay that way. Dildos don't really cost that much, so why risk losing the iron in your rod for an under-$20-buck item (and just think of the money you'll save on condoms and Maximum Strength Orajel®)?
Posted by concerned on February 4, 2009 at 11:46 AM · Report this
Hey Fedex, I'm GL, under 25, a dom, very kinky, and would love an open LTR with a hot 25yo sub. We do exist...I just happen to be in MA. Too bad I'm not in Chicago.
Posted by bihedonist on February 4, 2009 at 12:26 PM · Report this
@Stupid girls...

Wow, so much anger there. I wonder what could be the source of that? Hmm?

The caller raised a legitimate question: Why so many unattractive people in BDSM? It wasn't "I'm so hot and you guys are so ugly, boo hoo for me!" In my area the BDSM group is composed entirely of overweight to seriously obese people, none of whom I find physically attractive, but all of whom are some of the nicest people I've ever met. I enjoy socializing with them but I would never want to play with them. I'll look elsewhere for that. None of us are crying over that. I does make me wonder though.
Posted by kresblamania on February 4, 2009 at 12:40 PM · Report this
Maximum Strength Orajel would, presumably, numb the bum of overly sensitive bottoms.
Posted by goodog on February 4, 2009 at 12:51 PM · Report this
Podcast girl seemed to be either hopelessly moronic or F A K E.

Non-pro Dommes are the rarest commodity in perveland. (Well, maybe not THE rarest - I did once meet a woman who had a slug fetish.) Consequently, I find it difficult to believe that, if she is an even halfway competent dominant, she would not be suffering from over- rather than underwhelming.

But then she didn't really sound particularly dominant. She might be Domme, she might be sub. I am a bi-switchy sub and wouldn't go near anyone who sounded as vague and vapid as that.

Her problem really isn't that the BDSM world is full of mooses.

I have never used clubs for d/s hookups. The sinternet has been very good to me: 4 LTRs - 3 sub, 1 domme - and a sprinkling of pleasant, briefer encounters in 15 years. Some have been with breathtakingly beautiful men and women; others: not so much eye-candy.

I can't comment on whether or not there are more ugly people at d/s clubs than elsewhere but it may be that their kink value makes up for their lack of pulchritude and so they are more likely to find a partner there than elsewhere.

Personally, I am more concerned with the inner than the outer beast - call mine a grey matter fetish - so the caller, to my palate, approaches troll-like hideousness, no matter what her skin-deep is like.
Posted by haughty kitten on February 4, 2009 at 1:56 PM · Report this
@Brian - Thanks, we'll check that out. By the way it's generally not recommended to use numbing gels for anal. Pain during anal is your body's way of saying slow down or stop.

@suzy homemaker - We've tried that. Unfortunately I've been unsuccessfully so far. I'm still working on my technique.

@MissG - Using the orajel is the only way he gets to fuck me when I'm in control. He's on orgasm denial already. I just tease him and make him use various toys on me. And when I'm feeling nice I give him a quick rub here and there for some pleasurable stimulation. If he's extra good he gets stroked to the edge of orgasm by me or is allowed to stroke himself. :)

@RC - Thanks for the suggestion.

@concerned - I make him rub it on himself and clean his hands. Then we put on a couple condoms. We are very careful not to get it on me. He doesn't have a problem staying hard because arousal is mostly about keeping the mind engaged. That is pretty easy to do with several choice phrases whispered in his ear while he's fucking me. ;)
Posted by Numb-Dicked Dude's Girlfriend on February 4, 2009 at 2:03 PM · Report this
@suzy homemaker - Unsuccessful, even. I forgot to proof read. :p
Posted by Numb-Dicked Dude's Girlfriend on February 4, 2009 at 2:05 PM · Report this
@Brian - Thanks, we'll check that out. By the way it's generally not recommended to use numbing gels for anal. Pain during anal is your body's way of saying slow down or stop.

@suzy homemaker - We've tried that. Unfortunately I've been unsuccessful so far. I'm still working on my technique.

@MissG - Using the orajel is the only way he gets to have intercourse with me when I'm in control. He's on orgasm denial already. I just tease him and make him use various toys on me. And when I'm feeling nice I give him a quick rub here and there for some pleasurable stimulation. If he's extra good he gets stroked to the edge of orgasm by me or is allowed to stroke himself. :)

@RC - Thanks for the suggestion.

@concerned - I make him rub it on himself and clean his hands. Then we put on a couple condoms. We are very careful not to get it on me. He doesn't have a problem staying hard because arousal is mostly about keeping the mind engaged. That is pretty easy to do with several choice phrases whispered in his ear while he's going at it. ;)
Posted by Numb-Dicked Dude's Girlfriend on February 4, 2009 at 2:12 PM · Report this
Hey, the Orajel stuff kills cells in a dish, not whole organisms. So worry not humans and mice! (Finally this fucking PhD I've been slaving for has paid some dividends--woohoo!)
Posted by meh. on February 4, 2009 at 2:56 PM · Report this
"The device is driven by a haptic data stream that we have to encode with a lot of detail"

Oh, a 'haptic' data stream! Well shit, here I was thinking that motors/servos were controllable by electricity! I feel like a fool.

I could be wrong here, but it sounds like you could bypass the whole 'haptic data processing' chipboard and put an on-off switch on there, then add your own controls pretty easily.

Or you could build your own with a couple of handheld fans, a dimmer switch and a couple of toy tank treads...
Posted by Stoppin ze throwinze on February 4, 2009 at 3:26 PM · Report this
Jesus, slather it on, then! Have you tried smoking it????
Posted by womp on February 4, 2009 at 3:58 PM · Report this
If you are a gay man into BDSM and live in Chicago and you don't know about IML then you are doomed to be alone. It is the largest gay BDSM beauty pagent in the USA. Every leather man will be there. Just google IML stands for International Mr Leather. Enjoy
Posted by Jennifer on February 4, 2009 at 4:04 PM · Report this
@Numb-Dicked Dude's Girlfriend…

You've probably already got it covered but, a little less preparation and a little more spontaneous - maybe it will help.
Posted by 0.02 metric currency unit's worth on February 4, 2009 at 4:41 PM · Report this
Is NAGL's fiancee not living with her?
how is this even an issue, if you live together and you die then i don't think her parents are going to be demanding your assorted sex toys/bondage gear.
and if you don't live together then maybe consider giving your sub/fiancee her collar as her own. make a ceremony of it if you must
Posted by webothhavecollars on February 4, 2009 at 5:01 PM · Report this
Oh god, the fucking podcast. Dan, you went on waaaay too long with that activist girl and her boyfriend. No one wants to hear about her unsexy boyfriend issue, the history of the relationship, PLUS her birth control problems, PLUS her lesbian porn fetish, PLUS her issues with not being good at hitting on women, PLUS her issues with identifying as a swinger...holy fuck woman, shut up shut up shut up!! Maybe the sex would get better if they tried some bondage, where she's gagged and unable to speak.
Posted by TeaHag on February 4, 2009 at 5:58 PM · Report this
@0.02 metric currency unit's worth

Actually, having me rub it in works very well as part of the scene. Thanks for the link though. They have come up before but we want total numbness if it can be safely attained.
Posted by Numb-Dicked Dude on February 4, 2009 at 6:01 PM · Report this
Never deny your lusty side, little leather lovers..... just shoot your own sigh....
Posted by daniel on February 4, 2009 at 6:18 PM · Report this
Does a chemically numbed dick stay hard?
For how long?
Posted by jnonymous on February 4, 2009 at 6:52 PM · Report this
from MSDS for 2-hydroxyethyl methacrylate, retrieved from
Potential Health Effects
Eye: Causes eye irritation.
Skin: Causes skin irritation. May cause skin sensitization, an allergic reaction, which becomes evident upon re-exposure to this material. May be harmful if absorbed through the skin.
Ingestion: May cause irritation of the digestive tract. May cause a narcotic effect with possible coma. May be harmful if swallowed.
Inhalation: Inhalation of high concentrations may cause central nervous system effects characterized by nausea, headache, dizziness, unconsciousness and coma. May cause respiratory tract irritation. May be harmful if inhaled.
Chronic: Prolonged or repeated exposure may cause nausea, dizziness, and headache. Repeated exposure may cause damage to the spleen. Chronic exposure may cause liver damage. Adverse reproductive effects have been reported in animals. Laboratory experiments have resulted in mutagenic effects. Chronic exposure may cause blood effects. Repeated or prolonged exposure may cause allergic reactions in sensitive individuals.

also, apoptosis does not mean the mice died, just some of their cells. apoptosis is actually going on all the time throughout your body. if it didn't, you would have lots of cancer.
Posted by meha on February 4, 2009 at 9:50 PM · Report this

Yes, for as long as the situation stays erotic. Which is longer than I can fuck when she teases and humiliates me. I'd say I've stayed hard for over a half an hour when numb. I fuck a lot harder and don't slow down like I do normally since I don't have to control my thrusting to keep from cumming. It's a work out!
Posted by Numb-Dicked Dude on February 5, 2009 at 12:04 AM · Report this
Hey Dan, you rarely miss anything, but you might want to emphasize that numbing one's parts is generally a terrible idea. Like, probably not in this particular instance, which must be why you didn't bother. But it's scarily overused for anal sex (where pain is the most important way of telling you when to slow down and use more lube, so as not to damage yourself), because people still think that anal sex is supposed to hurt. A sentence would cover it, so please don't pass up this teachable moment!

Also, my sex ed class was woefully inadequate, but I remember that they mentioned that using two condoms at once mainly increases the chance of them both breaking. If this is true, it's something for NDD to consider.

How about NDD invests in a nice strap-on to wear for her, instead? Then, as he watches her get off on all her other first- or second-favourite toys, he won't feel anything at all, except frustration...
Posted by strappy strappy on February 5, 2009 at 12:36 AM · Report this
To the people reacting to the podcast: I don't believe Dan reads these comments. If you want him to know that segment sucked, shoot him an email instead.
Posted by My Name Here on February 5, 2009 at 6:11 AM · Report this
Estate taxes don't kick in until you are well over a million dollars, so that would have to be a pretty damn fine diamond encrusted gold dog collar.

OT, but how long until we also see "EXsaddlebacker" shirts, too? One can only hope.
Posted by Elvin Poots on February 5, 2009 at 8:24 AM · Report this
What I would put in the will is, a list of everything that you don't want to go to your fiancee, then, leave the rest of your personal effects to your fiancee. This would include the collar and any other toys you have, but they wouldn't be specifically listed. You could appoint her as executor of your estate, and then no one else will even see the collar.
Posted by sf gal on February 5, 2009 at 9:25 AM · Report this
If you were killing skins cells on your penis you would be able to tell by seeing the dead skin on your penis. If you do not see dead skin cells on your penis, then this cream is not killing the skin cells on your penis. Simple.
Posted by Psilly Cybin on February 5, 2009 at 10:46 AM · Report this
or you could just rely on the fact that no one cares about the collar except you and your fiance so when she's over there picking through your stuff with your mom or whoever - after you overdosed on pretention and died - she can just go, "oh, that's my collar," and grab it.

it's not like you're going to add every five dollar object you purchase to your will. oh wait, you probably actually will do that, so you can write in next week and ask, "i just bought one of those flashlights that powers by cranking instead of with batteries cause i'm so ECO FRIENDLY and i just wanted everyone to know that about me, so umm, i'm wondering, when i die, can i leave that to my FEMALE fiance? (hey everyone, i'm Bi! how unique and awesome of me!) will it be breaking any laws or anything? i mean, i'm just wondering if it's legal to be this progressive and cool?"

Posted by devon on February 5, 2009 at 11:13 AM · Report this
although, I guess they must have already thought of strap-ons
Posted by strappy strappy on February 5, 2009 at 11:21 AM · Report this
@ strappy strappy - Thanks for the info on condom breakage. We've got the birth control covered with an IUD and we're in a long term monogamous relationship so STDs aren't a concern.

We're really going for the psychological effect of not being able to feel which wouldn't be as intense if he were using a strap-on with me.
Posted by Numb-Dicked Dude's Girlfriend on February 5, 2009 at 11:44 AM · Report this
.re the podcast. My husband and I have been using the withdrawal method of birth control for 7 plus years. It's not for anyone who doesn't mind getting pregnant (ie, I'm in my 30s and married) but it definitely does work.
Posted by KateC on February 5, 2009 at 12:44 PM · Report this
NAGL, you're an idiot. What a stupid question. No one else, much less the government, is gonna want the fucking collar. Get a grip. When people write wills, do you think they endow every one of their possessions to someone? This fork goes to uncle Frank and my alarm clock to aunt Judy. No. The family will take what they want and leave the will to actual significant items such as a car or know, the kind of things people fight over. Besides, the last thing your family wants to hear about is who you left your sex toys to. Christ.
Posted by beep on February 5, 2009 at 12:56 PM · Report this
Just FYI:

In some jurisdictions (notably MA and CT), same-sex marriages are legally treated identically to heterosexual marriages. In other jurisdictions (such as NJ, MD, NH, and VT), civil unions are granted which provide, among other things, the right to inherit from spouses who die intestate and the right to leave items to partners in a will.

NAGL may be writing from such a jurisdiction.
Posted by K on February 5, 2009 at 1:41 PM · Report this
Now taking bets on how long it takes horny nerds to hack the RealTouch and make their own open-source haptic feedback controls.
Posted by lilzilla on February 5, 2009 at 4:21 PM · Report this
Two condoms at once will rub against each other and break. Every sex ed class I've taken/book I've read has implored us to never use two condoms. Unless STIs and pregnancy aren't an issue, obviously.
Posted by Abby Spice on February 5, 2009 at 6:13 PM · Report this
I have no idea what the hell "haptic" is supposed to mean in terms of that porn-activated fake vagina thingie, but I'm doubtful that any stream so information-dense that it takes eight hours to encode fifteen minutes of content could possibly be sent over even high-speed Internet connections in real time. My consumer-grade laptop can turn an MPEG into a DVD in about two or three times that it takes to watch it, by comparsion. I smell bullshit.
Posted by jfruh on February 5, 2009 at 7:48 PM · Report this
Somebody wants attention. (PS: Its NAGL).
Posted by tinyspark on February 5, 2009 at 8:26 PM · Report this
Actually, Mr McAnally's last name could easily be legitimate. I worked with someone with the same last name, very handsome and with the NICEST happy trail....
Posted by USBear2009 on February 6, 2009 at 4:23 AM · Report this
This is "Not Buying One".

Dan made a few edits to my email; that's mostly for the better, but I'd prefer he'd left in the last sentence, as it explains *why* I think it's a scam:

[original] Scam, IMO. Sex toys should be bought, not bought-but-actually-just-rented. [/original]

I'm not accusing them of fraud, as the edited version implies, but rather of deliberate deception and unethical lock-in. They should sell the physical toy as an independently usable product that's just as useful as any other sex toy (e.g. with dial control like on vibrators), and the videos that sync with it separately.

If the video sync really is as awesome an experience as they claim, then the free 30 minutes should be enough to sell that. If not, then at least they just sold a $150 sex toy (presumably at a healthy profit).
Posted by Not Buying One on February 6, 2009 at 4:27 AM · Report this
@My Name Here - Dan definitely reads the comments at least sometimes. A couple times in the column he's made passing references to commenters. No way to know how much or how often he reads, though (hey Dan, tell us in the column if you do :-P), and he never responds here AFAIK.

@jfruh - What they mean is that it takes them a while to code the video. Same as e.g. with adding closed captioning; they have to make everything sync up on timing and degree of stimulation yada yada. I can believe 8h/vid to do that, especially in early stages.

The bullshit is that he tries to imply that this precludes manual control. Most likely the 'haptic data' that results is simply a continuous input of a two variables: how fast the drive spins and how tight the sphincter clenches.

Both of those could be manually controlled just like any vibe, eg with a dial or slide control.
Posted by Not Buying One on February 6, 2009 at 4:38 AM · Report this
@My Name Here - Dan definitely reads the comments at least sometimes. A couple times in the column he's made passing references to commenters. No way to know how much or how often he reads, though (hey Dan, tell us in the column if you do :-P), and he never responds here AFAIK.

@jfruh - What they mean is that it takes them a while to code the video. Same as e.g. with adding closed captioning; they have to make everything sync up on timing and degree of stimulation yada yada. I can believe 8h/vid to do that, especially in early stages.

The bullshit is that he tries to imply that this precludes manual control. Most likely the 'haptic data' that results is simply a continuous input of a two variables: how fast the drive spins and how tight the sphincter clenches.

Both of those could be manually controlled just like any vibe, eg with a dial or slide control.
Posted by Not Buying One on February 6, 2009 at 4:38 AM · Report this
Re: S&M's legality: In MA it is impossible to consent to physical assault. That means anyone engaging in even light spanking could be prosecuted. We in MA need to go to CT to attend a legal kinky/percussive event. It's not hard to imagine a situation in which someone with an axe to grind reports the goings on of a kinky couple as abuse. Isn't that what happened in the Texas case?

Psilly Cybin: The upper layers of the skin are dead. If he's looking at his dick, he's seeing dead skin. That said, applying something meant for a small area (your gums) to a large area (a dick) is probably not great for absorption. I'm wondering what sort of toxicity is building up down there.
Posted by DaiGaKu on February 6, 2009 at 8:09 AM · Report this
IMHO the best thing for NDD to try would be to abandon the chemical route and work on controlling himself via breathing, sending the energy up his spine, and having his partner work with him on pacing...condoms are very useful, tho, especially since partner is likely to be horniest when she's fertile...but there are times in her cycle when it's safe to ride bareback--and it's a great way to surf...that's what this is like, is surfing, really...the object is to ride in to shore w/o wiping out...enjoy!
Posted by Tennessee Ladysurfer on February 6, 2009 at 9:43 AM · Report this
Posted by . . on February 6, 2009 at 11:14 AM · Report this
Advice to NAGL on transferring your collar: It can be done without triggering federal gift taxes or federal estate taxes, AND the transfer could be done in a manner that maintains privacy.

First of all, I wouldn't sweat estate taxes. If you died this year, you would not owe estate taxes unless your estate is valued at over $3.5M (adjusted for taxable gifts made during life).

It is true (as commented by another poster) that property transferred by will must pass through probate, which is a public process. If privacy is a concern, you should transfer the collar during your life either to your partner, or to a trust where your partner is a named beneficiary.

While lifetime transfers can trigger gift tax, you can transfer up to $13,000 to your partner every year without triggering gift tax consequences. If you go over your $13k annual exclusion in a given year, then there is a $1M lifetime exemption to soak up the excess. I'm guessing that the collar is worth less than $13k, so you can give the collar to your gal without having to eat into your $1M lifetime exemption.

In a nutshell, if you are willing to transfer the collar during your lifetime, you can achieve both of your goals, privacy and tax avoidance. And, think about it, if you give the collar to your partner during your lifetime, you could still make her ask for your permission to wear it. /whispers *sizzzzleeerrrrr*
Posted by Jables on February 6, 2009 at 4:21 PM · Report this
Lament For Lost Femininity.

I have a gripe which I thought perhaps shoul be highlighted to best advantage on 'Savage Love'. I have a certain Morbid fascination for your column and never miss an opportunity to turn without preamble to the last pages of Georgia Straight where the latest weekly exposes lurks. It does seem to be a sounding board in which Mr and Mrs Average, whatever their pursuasion might air their objectionable neuroses without fear of rebuke. I am a little shocked that humanity has once more fallen into an abyss of self indulgence if not self abuse. I fully expect that Nero is poised with his fiddle awaiting another opportunity to dance and play as the west burns in homage to sublime decadence. My fear is that humanity has lost the power to imagine and to create and has instead chosen to devour stimulus regardless of its origin or nature but with little satisfactory result- but this is another gripe. I greatly mourn the loss of feminity. I recently returned to Vancouver and was greeted by an immigration official who was young and blond and quite comely but determined to be abrasive and horribly masculine. Why is it that women in this day and age of equality feel that they might achieve equality by selling out to the opposition-this is a tactic that will inevitably end in failure as women are not men and cannot compete in this regard. If only women realised that there is such supreme power in femininity. The pragmatism of masculinity cannot compare with the guile and enchantment of feminity and I am at a loss to know why women feel the need to throw such a gift away. I recently spent some time in Europe, a lot of time in Britain and was bewitched by femininity. I was enchanted by long flowing hair, bewitching cosmetic applications, flattering blouses, dresses and skirts, shapely figures, pretty legs and thrusting breasts. Women proud to be feminine and alluring and with no hint of self consciousness. Why do Canadian women who are, in many cases, exquisitely beautiful, exhibit such a lacklustre appreciation of themselves? Why do they look slovenly and unappetising, baggy sweat pants and T shirts or sweaters?, Conversely why do they dress alternately like hookers, tight jeans and high heels, underwear that looks tortuous. Am I the only male that loath;s and detests thong underwear or lycra shorts worn under short skirts. What is so magical about going out on a shopping spree and buying a new T shirt and/pr jeans? It seems to me that in this new world of female emancipation that women have actually sold out wholesale to the masculine element.They are either afraid to be themselves or are lulled into a false contemplation that to outwit a male is in fact a tactic that panders to the male expectation by attempting to become male thereby banishing all of those delicious feminine attributes. This becomes a conflict in foreign territory while quite disarmed in effect-why does there need to be conflict?. Whatever happened to individuality and feminity? Whatever happened to characters like Elizabeth Montgomery, Yvonne de Carlo, Sleeping Beauty, Grace Kelly, Jane Seymour, Marilyn Monro and so many others. Come on girls, be empowered, be sexy, be chique, be mysterious, be feline, be potent, let your skirts blow up in the wind, fizzle with artifice, crackle with conjuration and mystery but most of all be yourselves.

I am, like my name, attempting to be Frank

Posted by Frank on February 6, 2009 at 10:05 PM · Report this
you should change your name to idiot.
Posted by emily on February 7, 2009 at 12:24 AM · Report this
Lament for lost paragraphs

O, to be legible!

To have clear spacing between ideas; to end questions with ?s; to be kind to one's reader.

Alas, this loss – these poor dead newlines!

Posted by Not Buying One on February 7, 2009 at 1:04 AM · Report this
Femininity is not lost. Where have you been? Oh right, you've been busy touching yourself while thinking of all those naughty thongs and staring at the tits of security professionals instead of giving them their due respect.

Women are not feline. They are WOMEN.

Why don't you meditate on ways for men to get their house in order before you go telling off women for dressing comfortably.

And as for women abroad, where they are oh so enlightened, does that include Spanish "women" where the age of consent is 13?
Posted by kresblamania on February 7, 2009 at 7:02 AM · Report this
piggybacking on what daigaku said, BDSM activities are generally felt not to fall under the scope of lawrence v texas (sodomy laws ruling) because they are thought to violate a law that exists for a broader purpose than legislating sexual behavior. many (most) states view BDSM as illegal when there is "actual bodily harm", and no one specifies what that means, exactly. since assault is in their view inherently bad and destructive to the social fabric, it remains illegal to participate in consensual assault. however, with acts like assault, there generally has to be some kind of evidence - physical or testimony - to prosecute. furthermore, NAGL's sub wouldn't be the one on the hook, since she didn't assault anybody. the BDSM relationship isn't illegal, the more violent acts in BDSM are. be careful out there.
and to think things are even stricter in the rest of the world...
Posted by dinotopia on February 7, 2009 at 1:34 PM · Report this
As an alternative opinion to Diva with Cleavage I've had a good experience with alt dot com and with fetlife dot com .
Posted by HappySub on February 7, 2009 at 4:52 PM · Report this
I'm an attorney licensed to practice in Virginia, where the law making consensual sodomy a felony is still on the books. After Lawrence v. Texas, the only convictions under it have generally been plea deals to lesser included offenses on charges of forcible sodomy, but it's still there. (For comparison, fornication, i.e., vanilla sex between a man and a woman not married to one another, is a misdemeanor.)

Anyway, as Rob above stated, once a will is "admitted to probate" (recognized as legally valid), it enters public record. At least in Virginia, there are a few ways to get around this, some better than others:

1) Crudest version: Make your fiancee the residuary beneficiary in your will, i.e., the person who gets everything whose disposition is not specifically provided for in your will. This can be regarding your property in general or regarding a particular class of property (here, chattel property, i.e., tangible property other than real estate, money or other financial instruments, stock certificates, etc.). The point is that by describing a class of property she gets, you don't have to specify every particular thing she gets.

With this approach, there are a few catches: a) She has to be the only residuary beneficiary; otherwise -- for example, if you leave half of the residuum to her and half to someone else -- your estate's executor (or court-appointed administrator if you don't name an executor) will have to go through the property and divide everything up, and the executor will see your "gear" in the process. b) If the executor is someone other than your fiancee, s/he may see everything anyway while inventorying the property for distribution. There are advantages to just making your fiancee your executor in the first place, privacy of this distribution being among them, but if she's also the residuary beneficiary, she'll have a conflict of interest in distributing your estate and might get sued by named beneficiaries, relatives, and/or creditors, and a suit might require publicizing an inventory of your estate. c) Naming her as a beneficiary will raise the question of why you named her, putting on the public record the fact that the two of you had some kind of relationship that inspired you to leave a lot of stuff to her.

2) Next crudest version: In your will, create a "testamentary trust" via which you leave the residuum (see above) of your estate in general or of your persnal property to an attorney or trusted friend as trustee for the benefit of your fiancee. This isn't much better in terms of keeping your fiancee's name off the public record, but it makes the accounting a bit easier.

3) Best idea: Before you die, contact an attorney and establish a trust for the benefit of your fiancee. This trust's terms, which will be private, can be relatively simple and state that all property governed by the trust instrument is to be distributed to her upon your death. (You can also make the trust revocable during your lifetime in case the two of you break up and you want to give the collar, or anything else, to someone else later on.)

For the time being, put in a token amount of money (as little as a dollar) just so the trust will stay in existence.

In your will, include a clause known as a "pour-over" provision, in which you leave the residuum of your estate to the attorney as trustee with instructions to distribute it in accordance with the terms of the trust established on X date (whenever the initial trust was formed). This way, both the terms of distribution and, more importantly, the name of the beneficiary will remain private. Be sure not to explicitly incorporate the trust instrument by reference, or else it will become part of the will and enter the public record; consult an attorney in your jurisdiction to get just the right words for a pour-over clause that maintains sufficient privacy.

Again, this is how it works in Virginia; I'm not sure how it works elsewhere, and since I don't know where NAGL lives, this post shouldn't be construed as legal advice specific to her jurisdiction.
Posted by Esqueer on February 8, 2009 at 8:52 AM · Report this
oh christ- the podcast. Yes, shut up, you who are too hot for the BDSM clubs. Vain, vapid, childish. Dan, you should have slammed her a bit more.
Creepy old guys? Seriously? Welcome to dating, honey! All women, and a fair number of gay boys, not just kinky ones, have this issue, some throughout their lives- men like sex. They persue it religiousl, even up the wrong tree. It's the way the world works. Does this make these men icky? dirty? nasty? No. So stop opening the gates for the lines! Free them to find the woman/en that wants them too, but quit whining that you "have them lined up around the block." Be clear about what you want- to yourself and others. Understand that some things are trade offs- your kink is gold, but you cant find the right person because you are too needy and judgemental- Narcissistic might be the right word. And many, hordes even, kinky people don't make it to the clubs for a wide variety of reasons- there are LOTS of kinky hot folk here- I would venture more than in the regular dating scene, IMHO. But they , for the most part, are picky and thoughtful. And until you grow up a bit, you will not find them. Your whole attitude screams that you really can't be trusted to be sensitive when necessary. At 22YO you are just finding yourself- give it a little space and time, and leave the denegration of people brave enough to be themselves out of it. It is very difficult to be a middle aged guy of modest looks who is intelligent, thoughtful and sexually aware of himself and society. I have dated a few of these men, and they have a tendency to make up for their deficiencies in excellent ways. Be very careful about what you say- one day you will wake up at 47YO, still kinky, still feeling young and hot, and the words some 22YO has for you will be thoughtless and painful, and for what? So don't be such a twat.
Posted by be kind on February 8, 2009 at 10:45 PM · Report this
anybody know any good male orgasm denial sites?
Posted by tzemehrtme on February 9, 2009 at 2:53 AM · Report this
76 Comment Pulled
To FEDEX, I am frequently in Chicago on business, and I myself am a 25 y/o uber-kinky guy. I happen to know literally *dozens* of hot young kinky guys in Chicago. In fact, it is pretty much a hub for 20-something kinksters.

Check our There are tons of hot young guys on there looking to meet new guys.

Also, a bar called The Hole (downstairs in Jackhammer at Clark and Devon) tends to attract a pretty happening young kink crowd, and has an awesome... ambiance.
Posted by Inkedskin on February 9, 2009 at 7:12 PM · Report this

Don't!! Those tissues are delicate, and pain is a sign that you need to slow down and lube up. If you numb it, you could end up doing damage. Anal fissures: no fun, long term suffering.
Posted by maddy on February 9, 2009 at 9:13 PM · Report this
Hey, Frank? I don't wear jeans and tee-shirts because I secretly desire to be a man. I wear jeans and tees to be comfortable, and because doing my job every day in skirts and heels is just ridiculous. (Not to mention bad for my feet.) And it's not a woman's duty to dress like a fashion model just because you want eye-candy. Feminism is about the right for a woman to decide whatever the hell she wants to wear/do/be/think, so kindly stop thinking you're entitled to ogle.
Posted by CJ S on February 9, 2009 at 9:32 PM · Report this
Hi Frank! Sorry you think we all dress like slobs or hookers. Also sorry that I need to give you a reality pill: none of the women you see are dressing for you, and with an attitude like that, I hope none ever do!

Isn't life easier now?
Posted by Canadian Lady on February 9, 2009 at 10:03 PM · Report this
I can't believe no one's mentioned this, but NDD should also realize that using TWO condoms increases the chance of breakage due to the latex surfaces rubbing on each other.
Posted by steven on February 11, 2009 at 7:04 PM · Report this
Someone has mentioned it. Two or three times. Try reading before speaking, Steven. She has already replied that it isn't an issue if breakage occurs.
Posted by Troutdick on February 12, 2009 at 8:15 AM · Report this
DS, I worked for a company that made various creams, ointments and lubes, including ANAL EASE, and ANAL BLUE and a generic form of ORAJEL. The active ingredient in our oral jel and anal lubes was the same (BENZOCAINE). Assuming anal lube is going to get on a penis at some point or another (by barebacking or curious safer couples), and has not been a problem after over 40 years on the market, I would suggest any orajel where the destimulating agent is BENZOCAINE, would be safe for your readers' equipment.
Posted by strangedanger on February 17, 2009 at 8:17 AM · Report this
Check out the video on YouTube:…

Posted by Laughingfox on February 18, 2009 at 2:10 PM · Report this
I see a lot of broke assed McDonalds employees doing a lot of cyberboasting.
Posted by jimmcanally on February 18, 2009 at 2:15 PM · Report this
wtf mate?
Posted by Melanie on February 18, 2009 at 2:20 PM · Report this
Teddy Ruxpin was a bear. Titty 1
Posted by drae on February 22, 2009 at 9:07 PM · Report this
In response to NDD. I read that double bagging your dick with 2 condoms isn't a good idea because latex against latex increases the risk of the condoms tearing.
Posted by concerned on March 9, 2009 at 3:20 PM · Report this

Add a comment