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June 6, 2002
I am a 21-year-old girl who is very much in love with a 24-year-old boy. When we first met, he was very sexual and easy to please. We had a lot of fun back in the day. But now, almost two years later, he is seriously lacking lust. I have to BEG him for sex. I am a very young, attractive girl. I love to try new things! I love to suck cock and I have very big, perky breasts. You'd think he'd be all up on that! I feel so ugly and unloved because he is constantly turning me away.
He says I am a nympho and tells me he'd rather jerk off. I was on tour with a band for a while and met a roadie who is absolutely in love with me and he's asking me to hook up with him. It's really tempting because he is very good-looking. I don't know WHAT to do. I love my man too much to cheat, but a girl has needs! Is there any way I can spark his old flame? I've tried everything!
-Nympho On Shaolin Isle
You love your man? Whatever for? He neglects you, calls you names, would rather jerk off than "get all up on" your perky breasts (and tells you so!), and hasn't been much fun since "back in the day." Dump the jackass already, you idiot. While you're off writing letters to advice columnists wondering what you can do to spark his old flame (there's nothing you can do), the man you "love" clearly wants out of this relationship and doesn't have the courage or the decency to put you out of your misery and end it.
Like a lot of wants-out-but-gots-no-balls types, your boyfriend has decided to make himself so unpleasant that you'll have no choice but to dump him. So dump him already. Sexually speaking, you've got a lot going for you--perky breasts, a passion for sucking cock, a willingness to try new things--and you need to get away from this grumpy wanker and find yourself a guy who both appreciates your perky breasts and puts your cocksucking skills to productive use.
So, yeah, hook up with the roadie you met out on tour. And hey, if he's really all that good-looking, tell the roadie he has me to thank for all the head you'll be giving him. As a token of his thanks, the roadie should pose for a series of nude digital photos--photos that you'll e-mail to me at firstname.lastname@example.org, okay?
I know that this is going to sound very petty, but... I've been going out with this cute guy for the past few weeks. There is just one problem: He wears "underpants"--as in "tighty-whities." The first time we had sex, I was not aware of his "underpants" until I noticed them on the floor. I thought to myself, "Hmmm... perhaps he ran out of boxers and is only wearing 'underpants' because he needs to do his laundry." However, subsequent sexual trysts have resulted in more "underpants" on my floor.
Dan, it freaks me out. "Underpants" are not sexy... and he is not sexy in them. No one is. They are for five-year-old boys, not 35-year-old men! And he would look unbelievably HOT in boxer briefs! I discussed the "underpants" situation with a girlfriend, and she said that she felt like it would be an attack on his sexuality if I mentioned his "underpants." What do you think?
-Suffering Latent "Underpants" Trauma
I think you're cheap and horrible, SLUT, and I think your opinions about tighty-whities are dangerous and inaccurate. On the right guy, tighty-whities are infinitely sexier than boxers--but only on the right guy. Men between the ages of 18 and 30 who are boyish and slim and hairless (or willing to become hairless) look FUCKING HOT in tighty-whities, and I don't want a single one to stop wearing t-w's because some SLUT made fun of their underpants in Savage Love. Fellas, if you meet all of the above, please keep wearing tighty-whities and, for the love of God, keep taking pictures of yourselves in them and posting them online. Better yet, e-mail them directly to me at email@example.com. Thank you.
As for you, SLUT, if your boyfriend isn't boyish and slim and hairless, then I agree that he doesn't belong in tighty-whities. But instead of attacking his taste in underpants, why don't you buy him a selection of boxer shorts? Don't say, "You look ridiculous in tighty-whities, so I bought you some boxers." Instead say, "I think men look so fucking hot in boxers, so I bought you some. Please wear them, honey, because they turn me on like fuckin' crazy." To seal the deal, you might want to add, "If you put them on right now, I'll suck six layers of skin right off your dick." Good luck.
Help me! I've been going out with my boyfriend for two months and he's in a sh*tty band. A really sh*tty band full of retards who can't play their instruments and lack stage presence. The problem is that somehow this band still gets gigs in pubs around town, so the whole town has seen my boyfriend in his shitty band.
Now another problem is that my boyfriend is not only in this incredibly sh*tty band, but he looks like a complete tw*t onstage. Everybody knows he's my boyfriend and they don't even try to conceal how utterly hilarious they find it that the little guy jumping about onstage is actually my boyfriend. And I actually have sex with it. He does have a big d*ck, so I was considering making him get it out for all my friends, so that I am then known as "the girl who goes out with that idiot boy, but he does have a big d*ck so it's ok." Is this a good idea?
-Sh*tty Banded Boyfriend
P.S. I have to censor all my swearing cos I'm on f*cking AOL.
First of all, e-mail a picture of that big dick to firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you.
Moving along, I shared your letter with my friend Jennifer Maerz, a rocker chick and music critic. "Anytime you have a boyfriend with embarrassing 'built-in qualities,'" Jennifer said, "you can do one of three things: you can be a real bitch and tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to change this built-in quality or you're gonna dump him; you can just accept that he's musically retarded and not give a shit what your friends say and love him for his really big cock; or, finally, you can be really passive-aggressive and buy lots of great music and play it really loud all the time and give him presents like band bios and magazine subscriptions to good music rags and hope it brainwashes him into liking bands that can actually carry a tune. That's what I'd do." Thanks, Jennifer.
Finally, it's feeling a lot like summer, isn't it? To honor the coming of summer, I'm inviting my female readers with boyfriends who look good in tighty-whities to e-mail me pictures of their boyfriends in their underpants. Only good-looking guys, please. Yes, yes: I'm being shallow and lookist, but it's summer and it's my column. The woman who sends me the hottest picture of her boyfriend in a pair of tighty-whities wins a $100 Toys in Babeland (www.babeland.com) gift certificate.