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This Is Our Youth

February 19, 2009

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I dropped by four large universities last week—University of Lethbridge, State University of New York–Albany, University of Maryland, and University of Alaska-Anchorage—to do "Savage Love Live," the college-speaking-gig version of my sex-advice column. I enjoyed visiting all four campuses and, as ever, learned a few things out on the road. (Brinking? Who knew?)

People submit questions—the ones they don't want to be seen asking—on three-by-five-inch cards at the events. Sadly, I couldn't get to everyone's questions at the U's of L, NY-A, M, and A-A. Here are answers to some of the questions I missed.

At what point in a relationship is it "safe" to have an open relationship?

There's no standard gestation period for an open relationship, no set period of time that you have to spend in the exclusivity pod. In my experience, however, the most successful open relationships I've witnessed—with "success" here defined as "long-lasting," which is kind of arbitrary (can we all get behind the idea that a relationship can be short-lived and still be a success?)—were sexually exclusive for at least a year, sometimes longer, at the outset.

When asked, "How do you make anal sex more comfortable for women?" by Marie Claire magazine, Dr. Drew Pinsky said, "Don't do it. Your butt will leak when you're old." (I am paraphrasing.) My question: Is Dr. Drew homophobic?

Dr. Drew isn't a homophobe. He's an asshole-o-phobe—and a BDSM-o-phobe, a premarital-sex-o-phobe, a three-way-o-phobe, etc. Basically, when it comes to human sexuality, there's not a lot of daylight between Dr. Drew and Pope Benedict XVI. And I'll let you in on a little secret: Odds are good that your ass is going to leak when you're old, anyway—I'll betcha the pope's ass is leaking all over the throne of St. Peter right now—so you might as well enjoy it while you can.

I'm a 24-year-old male who has been out for 11 years. I've been into this guy "Joe" for several years, but I always assumed he was out of my league. We recently started hooking up. I'm totally into him, and it's amazing. But for some reason, I can't stay hard. I don't know what's wrong with me. Do I have ED? I have no health insurance and am not sure what to do.

If you're not having trouble keeping it up when you're alone, and you didn't have trouble keeping it up with other guys, you're probably just nervous. You like this guy, he's way hot, the stakes are high, and a little routine performance anxiety is chasing away your boners. If Joe is continuing to hook up with you despite your inability to keep it up for him, well, then he's not only a hot dude but a patient one as well—and a dude who's into you, too. So take a deep breath, try to relax, and enjoy.

When Sue Johanson was here, she spoke against trying anal sex, due to damages, etc. What would you tell people?

I would tell people to refrain from fucking Sue Johanson in the ass—and please don't fuck Dr. Drew's ass, either. They both seem as terrified of anal sex as they are ignorant about it—and tense, inept people can hurt themselves engaging in anal sex. And if their asses start to leak in old age, I don't want either of them to be able to pin the blame on anal sex.

We are a couple in a long-term committed relationship and have casually considered the possibility of a three-way. It would have to be with someone neither of us knew (or saw) to reduce any chance of an emotional attachment. Good idea?

Three-ways with complete strangers are kind of difficult to arrange—unless you're willing to go the rent-a-third route. But if you want to have a three-way with someone trustworthy and safe, you're better off doing it with an acquaintance or an ex.

When did you first realize you were LGBTQ, and how did people react to that? Did you struggle to find support?

I didn't realize I was L, B, T, and Q until I arrived in Albany. And I'm not sure how friends and family are going to react to my recently discovered lesbianism, bisexuality, impending transition, and questioning status—question: now that I'm LGB and T, what outstanding Qs could there be?—but I expect they will be supportive. Just as confused as I am, but nevertheless supportive.

Did Sarah Palin ever get back to you about your offer to be her gay friend?

No, she didn't—but the offer is still on the table. I'm here for you, Sarah.

Please assign new salacious definitions to the following terms, which are near and dear to the hearts of UM students: "Cornerstone," "Fear the Turtle," and "Diamondbacking."

Cornerstone: When you get high in order to break through a sexual inhibition—like when pot helps you "turn a corner" sexually. "Sue wanted to peg her boyfriend Drew, but he just couldn't do it until he got cornerstoned."

Fear the Turtle: What a woman experiences when she realizes halfway through vaginal intercourse that her bowels are full and her enjoyment of the sex has been superseded by her fear of crapping the bed. "Sue had to ask Drew to stop fucking her because she feared the turtle. She got on the can for a minute, then hopped back in bed, and no longer feared the turtle."

Diamondbacking: Consenting to anal sex in the hopes that doing so will inspire a boyfriend to propose. "Sue knew that Drew was totally into anal sex, so she let him diamondback her. Now they're engaged."

I'm a lesbian, and my girlfriend is bisexual and wants to have a three-way with a man. This makes me nervous. What should I do?

Get yourself a refillable Xanax prescription, or get yourself an actual lesbian girlfriend.

If she hasn't orgasmed yet, will she ever?

Yes, but probably with someone else.

Thanks again to all four universities for bringing my skanky ass to their campuses last week. My primary mission when I do these events, of course, is to undo in an evening the damage done by abstinence educators over the course of many years. But the events are always a blast. If you want me to come to your school, get in touch with Keppler Speakers at I'm looking forward to my upcoming gigs at Liberty University, Brigham Young University, and University of Notre Dame.

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I wish you did highschool tours... somehow I don't think my Catholic school admins would be groovy with that though. Which makes me sad...
Great column as always and I'm sure all of your readers support you in your newly found lesbianism. :)
Posted by bisexual and Catholic... oh my! on February 17, 2009 at 8:34 PM · Report this
i love your answer to the last question. thank you, dan, for making me laugh even on the day i was mauled by a dog (i couldn't make this shit up if i tried.)
Posted by tobes on February 17, 2009 at 8:35 PM · Report this
BYU? Since when do the mormons embrace Dan Savage? Seems like a strange speaking engagement request from an LDS-run institution... I think I would like to be a fly on the wall during that event.
Posted by ? on February 17, 2009 at 8:50 PM · Report this
I loved "cornerstone", I'm pretty sure I'll be using that on a regular basis! But Diamondbacking just didn't hit it for me. Perhaps I just can't believe a guy would FINALLY pop the question just because I FINALLY let him ride my ass?

Dan do you visit community colleges??
Posted by trish on February 17, 2009 at 8:54 PM · Report this
I'm assuming that your answer to the three-way question assumes that the couple is straight. My ex and I (both gay) had numerous threesomes with strangers while we were together---maybe every year or two over 17 years. They happened when we went out and, usually without seeking it, found someone who wanted to come home with us. Though my brother and his wife have also had a couple threesomes with strangers (male and female, and usually stranger than mine) they've met at bars.

Actually I much prefer that route to relying on an acquaintance or an ex, despite the fact that (aside from the threesomes) I rarely sleep with people I don't know reasonably well. Threesomes are about the only type of sex where I think, OK that was fun---but can we never see each other again?
Posted by Paul on February 17, 2009 at 9:04 PM · Report this
To the post by ?

It's a joke. Note the other two schools as well.
Posted by Stating the obvious on February 17, 2009 at 9:06 PM · Report this
I loved the format of this column - I think you should require, in future, that all questions asked of you need to fit on a 3x5 card. Ditch the open email address for submitting questions and instead use a character-limited web-based submission form to cut through the extraneous bullshit people include to try and tip the scales in their favor. Who's with me?
Posted by dietpopstar on February 17, 2009 at 9:09 PM · Report this
If a short-lived relationship can be a success, what about the idea that "every relationship fails until one doesn't"? I think these ideas could exist harmoniously, I'm just not quite sure how.

Great definitions. I think I would piss my pants with excitement if you came to a university anywhere near mine!
Posted by Neptune on February 17, 2009 at 9:16 PM · Report this
While I realize it's pretty flippant, the "get yourself an actual lesbian girlfriend" comment is stingy for me, and for a lot of other bisexual females I know. There is a lot of biphobia amongst the lesbian community (certainly not everyone, but it's very common). It stings to be treated like shit when attracted to someone BECAUSE of the fact that you're also attracted to people with penises. And due to that, it stings for a respected sex-advice writer to flippantly say something that on the surface looks like "Lesbians should date lesbians."

Here's some advice that is better (and that I suspect Dan would agree with really): If you're uncomfortable having a threesome with someone you're not attracted to, tell your girlfriend that. If she wanted to have a threesome with another girl that you found unattractive, you should probably do the same. It sounds like there's something that she wants sexually, but she doesn't want to exclude you by saying "Can I sleep with this guy without you?" I know some lesbians who are cool with MWW threesomes as long as they and the M are just pleasing the other girl. Maybe you would be. I know I'm not cool with threesomes if anyone involved is not someone I'm personally attracted to. Maybe you're like that. Figure out your boundaries, and if you're unsure, try it out.
Posted by lonelocust on February 17, 2009 at 9:28 PM · Report this
Fearing the turtle...that is hilarious!!! Thanks Dan!
Posted by lonnie on February 17, 2009 at 9:35 PM · Report this
To the orgasm seeker, Dan gave a too hasty reply. I know two girls who cannot even give orgasms to themselves (only one of those has slept with me), much less from any third party, girl or guy. I should advise them to cornerstone.

I also have an ex who started taking antipsychotic drugs and lost almost all sex drive - orgasms became rarer than raw steak, simply because she had so little interest in the act.
Posted by falconswan on February 17, 2009 at 9:40 PM · Report this
To Trish (@4): I firmly held anal sex out of reach until my boyfriend (now husband) told me he loved me. Not as emotional/sexual blackmail but because I had been hurt before and felt that the simplest way to at least try to ensure a slow and patient partner was to wait for a relationship where we were in love. Hook-ups can be too rough sometimes. So I can see a woman trying to diamondback a guy but I can;t see it working. I mean, he couldn't see himself with you before, but now that you're exactly the same PLUS you'll take it in the ass, he has to make this lifelong? More likely the guy proposes to get the anal sex, and then breaks off the engagement after he has what he wanted.
A better definition, imho, would be anal sex in reward for jewelry. "Susan wasn't really into butt play, but her husband had just given her a pair of earrings so she let him diamondback her as thanks."
Posted by chronicbliss on February 17, 2009 at 9:42 PM · Report this
THANK YOU for recognizing that a relationship doesn't have to last for years to be considered 'successful'.

Perhaps it ended painfully, but while it lasted... WOW!
And isn't that what life is all about?
Posted by Roy Seiler on February 17, 2009 at 10:31 PM · Report this
Thank you for answering my friend's question with naming different University of Maryland terms! (Did I mention that Fear the Turtle is also an ice cream flavor? lol)

Anyway, I look forward to hearing people talk about this on campus.
Posted by Megan on February 17, 2009 at 11:07 PM · Report this
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I listen to Dr. Drew on the radio 5 nights a week because hey, I'm bored driving home from work, it comes on right as I'm leaving the parking lot, and it's better than the shit music they play around here.

I definitely agree that Drew is a straight-up straight guy ALL THE WAY. I disagree with fully a quarter of the advice he gives. There are girls who legitimately call in asking how to make anal less painful, and his solution is flat-out not to participate... um, the anus is a muscle and muscles can be stretched and toned and taught to accept larger things in different directions than we're used to, no question about it. GET THE MESSAGE, DREW! Don't try to force people to conform to your uniminded sexual worldview =/

I respect his angle, which is that a person shouldn't participate in a dealbreaking activity (for them), but to actively discourage sexually curious young people from trying new things is never good.

I also believe he invests way too much into the notion that your childhood is entirely responsible for the sexuality you develop. Even if it is, who gives a shit? People should do what feels good, including BDSM if that's your bag. Don't spend years in therapy trying to figure out why you like being ball gagged and fucked with a strap-on. Find someone else who loves what you love and love each other.

P.S. I only get one life and I only have one asshole, and by god I'm going to use them both to the fullest possible extent!
Posted by Rachel on February 18, 2009 at 1:40 AM · Report this
"If she hasn't orgasmed yet, will she ever?"
"Yes, but probably with someone else."

- Thank you, Dan! You earn your keep! And this is a keeper!

Posted by Smith in Warsaw on February 18, 2009 at 1:49 AM · Report this
Anal sex, as you have said in your column, is not for everyone. Anal sex, especially inexpertly done or repeatly done in a rough way, can and does cause serious and potentialy premanent medical damage right now. It is wrong of you to pretend that it only happens to old people whose asses will be leaking anyway.

It seems as though straight women are now being forced by you, the porn industry and others to prove that they are worthy, skilled sexual partners only if as straight men say, "yeah she takes it up the ass". I like your column and podcasts, but please occasionally discuss the right to refuse specfic sexual acts without GGG being the one true (starting to sound religious) way to be a good, healthy, desirable sexual partner.

I hate Drew Pinsky with a passion for so many reasons. He is an incompetent doctor plagued by an obsession to be in show business. His advice on anything is usually terrible and he appears and opines everywhere. Is there any chance that he too could be gifted with a special name like santorum or saddle backing?
Posted by babette on February 18, 2009 at 2:38 AM · Report this
I've done MWW threesomes where I wasn't on the menu, but eh, WWW threesomes don't do it for me that much more. However, if some I was with really wanted it, and I didn't think the guy was too vile, I might consider it again.

Otherwise, being poly, it's a heck of a lot easier to say "buh bye hon, enjoy your fun this evening with the bloke, and don't forget the latex".
Posted by NotAllOfUsAreBiParanoid on February 18, 2009 at 5:12 AM · Report this
Hey Dan, is it possible that your opinion on anal sex causing damage to the sphincter is influenced by your like/dislike of anal sex ?

I'm not a doctor, but from the porn videos I've seen, I think I can see very obviously damaged sphincters on the girls who do anal videos.

Maybe you could get a second opinion from another Doctor ?
Posted by pj on February 18, 2009 at 5:46 AM · Report this
Seconding babette's opinion.

Having a leaky ass when you are 90 years old cannot be compared in any way to having a leaky ass when you are 35 years old.

Dan, I think you have been less than honest/objective on this answer.
Posted by pj on February 18, 2009 at 5:51 AM · Report this
I have a feeling that a lot of straight women wouldn't like the idea of having a three-way with their partner and his ex. That sounds like a mixture for trouble.
Posted by Moose on February 18, 2009 at 5:54 AM · Report this
Where I went to college the Q in LGBTQ meant "queer". Just a thought.
Posted by eranthis on February 18, 2009 at 5:56 AM · Report this
@lonelocust--it may sting for bi girls to hear that lesbians should date other lesbians, but I imagine it also stings for a lesbian to hear that her bi girlfriend has fallen into the "promiscuous bisexual" stereotype and can only be satisfied by sleeping with a man as well as a woman. That's not what some people want. Some people are into monogamous commitment; some lesbians are just really creeped out by any man in the picture.

Neither Dan nor the lesbian who asked that question were treating the bi girlfriend like shit BECAUSE she was also attracted to people like penises--but rather, because she was acting on that desire for male-bodied partners by cornering her lesbian partner into something the lesbian partner didn't want to do, after having claimed to be capable of a commitment to another woman. That seems deceitful and unfair to me.

~another bi girl
Posted by lymerae on February 18, 2009 at 6:25 AM · Report this
Right on "lonelocust".
That "get yourself an actual lesbian girlfriend" just hurt the feelings of every bi reader you have. Not that he hasn't said about the same thing before. At least you are consistent in your bigoted opinion of bi people.

Posted by KayM on February 18, 2009 at 6:28 AM · Report this
I just emailed my live-in boyfriend the definition of "diamondback". It is too good not to share.
Posted by tabby on February 18, 2009 at 7:29 AM · Report this
Sue Johanson does her sex talk show in Canada, and if you've seen it, you know Canadians are all about anal sex, particularly up in the far north reaches of the country. But everyone who asks Sue about anal is also totally clueless -- the questions they ask are the worst, 1st-grade-type of stupid ("can I put a show in there? Can I use WD-40 instead of lube? Is this gay?").

Sue knows about sex toys. That's about it. But give her a break on account of the fact her callers are pretty dumb.
Posted by JF on February 18, 2009 at 8:48 AM · Report this
Though this is completely unrelated to today's article, my friends and I were extremely happy when I was able to use 'saddlebacking' in conversation without forcing it. And if I can do it, anyone can!
Posted by grizzle on February 18, 2009 at 9:07 AM · Report this
As a UM alumni, thank you much, Mr. Dan, for your new spin on some old classics. Have tried diamondbacking and it didn't work. I did however, have some pretty crazy orgasms, so who's to say it was a total loss.

ps...if Ms. Palin doesn't want you for her gay man-friend, I do! I really need a wing-man for all the seedy bars I typically frequent and some advice on what to wear now that an I'm unemployed loser who surfs the net all day wearing sweats. Oh, no wait, that's queer eye for the straight guy. What, you mean you gays aren't all the same? BTW, congrats on coming out as a LBGTQ (lmao). I, for one, am wholly supportive of your new orientation.
Posted by candyassgrrrrrl on February 18, 2009 at 9:30 AM · Report this
White hot column Dan. You knocked the dust off that JASH. How do you feel about uptown, the wilson stop?
Posted by ? on February 18, 2009 at 9:38 AM · Report this
Good point, I can understand that. Also, LOVE your diamondbacking definition! That one gets my vote.
Posted by trish on February 18, 2009 at 9:56 AM · Report this
?, BYU wasn't the one that caught my eye, it was LIBERTY UNIVERSITY! The college started by the late Rev. Jerry Falwell! You'll want to wear a cup for that one, Dan. But don't tell them you'll be fucking butt for them, OK?
Posted by Chris down in The Couv on February 18, 2009 at 10:03 AM · Report this
My definition of "feeding the turtle" ties in with the third question. The 24 yo obviously has a "frightened turtle" (as defined by George Costanza) when he's in the sack with "Joe", and if they're going to live happily ever after (or for six months, or a year, or whatever), "Joe" needs to "feed the turtle" to bring that little guy out of his shell.

So "feeding the turtle" here is defined as doing what's necessary to help a male sex partner relax enough to get and maintain an erection.
Posted by Chris down in The Couv on February 18, 2009 at 10:26 AM · Report this
Re: Diamondbacking - my ex told me we could try anal after we got married, then said "psych"! When I playfully asked my current GF if she wanted to try it she said "if we get engaged" - is this something women discuss with each other?

Actually I've had it before, it's really not all that...
Posted by Won'tBeFooledAgain on February 18, 2009 at 11:25 AM · Report this
Would love to have you do a corporate event for my firm, but that would get my ass fired for sure!
Posted by Ted on February 18, 2009 at 12:14 PM · Report this

how about

the lets try anal when we are engaged is double diamondbacking

and then of course waiting till marriage/honeymoon (lol!) ... triple dog diamondbacking

Posted by former tri-state on February 18, 2009 at 12:32 PM · Report this
Thank you for coming to University of Anchorage, AK. I know you broadened the horizons of nearly everyone that saw you speak. Your straightforward, honest, and hilarious responses were refreshing and just what UAA needed...
Posted by UAA student on February 18, 2009 at 12:36 PM · Report this
Are you srsly going to Brigham Young??
Posted by Meganificent on February 18, 2009 at 12:48 PM · Report this

I haven't laughed out loud at a column of yours in a long time. But "If she hasn't orgasmed yet, will she ever?

Yes, but probably with someone else," made me laugh out loud.

I used to laugh a lot at things you wrote in your columns.

Did the George W. Bush administration years crush your humor a bit? I hope not. I hope it's healthy and plentiful(?) and here's to you making me laugh out loud more often in the next 4 years.

Thanks, Dan.
Posted by Jack Brabble on February 18, 2009 at 1:01 PM · Report this
Seems like anal sex is the perfect preparation for a leaky ass in old age. It'll still be flexible from use, and thus will be able to welcome a slightly squishy silicone buttplug. If a stopper is good enough for a wine bottle, a stopper is good enough for leaky old people.

I've read that some medical professionals consider well-planned, properly-prepped anal sex to be good for the muscular and vascular health of the rectum, so I hope Drew isn't deliberately misleading people.

I listened to Dr. Drew for years and I really like him, even though he's a bit of a prude and uses medical science to justify it. Didn't he post a printable prescription for EC years ago? Either way, Pinsky's advice is a good baseline for people who know they can't/don't want to properly implement Dan't advice. One could do far worse than his advice, though.

Posted by Lauren on February 18, 2009 at 1:09 PM · Report this
Regarding 'dating an actual lesbian'...

how about dating an actual monogamist?

I disagree with the definition of bi that includes the idea of needing sex with both genders.

As a bi woman, I see myself as attracted to folks of either gender.

So I'm attracted to many different types of people, this does not affect my monogamy.

The fact that my life partner enjoys role plays that include her wearing some, ur, penetrative equipment... well... that does affect my monogamy! most positively ;)
Posted by WTMI on February 18, 2009 at 1:16 PM · Report this
Lol@ babette and pj. If the combination of 15 years of anal play and the digestive problem that has prevented me from having solid poo for my entire life hasn't resulted in leakage yet, it isn't going to result in leakage. You're essentially saying, "Don't do gymnastics! You'll never walk again!"

It's unfair to claim gay men automatically advocate for anal. I like it far more than several gay men I know, and plenty of other women love it dearly, too.
Posted by Lauren on February 18, 2009 at 1:20 PM · Report this
@Rachel - Will you go out with me?
Posted by my name here on February 18, 2009 at 1:45 PM · Report this
@ lonelocust
it's so hard being bi, blah blah blah.
it's old.
Posted by lesbo on February 18, 2009 at 2:09 PM · Report this
I teach anatomy at one of the colleges you visited, Dan, and I noticed several of my students at the talk. Their horizons were certainly GREATLY broadened-- particularly with the discussion of the finer points of cock ring use! Thanks!
Posted by mixy on February 18, 2009 at 2:11 PM · Report this
Fearing the turtle is such a gay man way to think. Vaginal sex doesn't lead to frosting that's anal sex but then Dan wouldn't know that.
Posted by K on February 18, 2009 at 2:18 PM · Report this
I love Dan, his columns and his pod cast but remember he is a fag. He doesn't have sex with girls and doesn't know that much about it.
Posted by superted on February 18, 2009 at 2:19 PM · Report this
Turtles are terrifying...

And obviously the question that remains, given your "Q" status is: wait, then who am I attracted to?
Posted by Sarcasm Face on February 18, 2009 at 2:52 PM · Report this
I will try to rally a couple of RSO's to get Dan to UIUC, which I believe is his alma mater. Excellent answers incorporating Drew and Sue!
Posted by Some Grad Student on February 18, 2009 at 3:14 PM · Report this
@Stating the Obvious: I didn't get it either. What does it mean?
Posted by CQ on February 18, 2009 at 3:19 PM · Report this

It's true that vaginal sex doesn't lead to frosting, but that's not what Dan is talking about. Dan defines "fearing the turtle" as a woman's urgent, distracting, pleasure-sapping need to shit during vaginal sex.

I'd argue that the term is applicable to men and women, and also could occur while receiving oral sex.
Posted by Jim on February 18, 2009 at 3:58 PM · Report this
A friend of mine was at a Gay pride event and saw a gay guy wearing chaps and when the guy bent over to look at something he could see quite clearly the guy's stretched-out-of shape assh.ole; he said it was the most revolting thing he'd ever seen. I myself saw an older gay guy walking around wearing white pants with a BIG BROWN STAIN on the ass, obviously from LEAKAGE. So, anyone who say "anal sex doesn't stretch out the sphincter" is FULL OF IT. The anus was meant as an EXIT, not an ENTRANCE.
Posted by Dion on February 18, 2009 at 4:44 PM · Report this
On Dan's LGBTQ status: I liked the gentle sarcasm in his response. I usually get intensely annoyed by people who are both overly politically correct and overly stupid, but no harm done this time.
Posted by Mr. Judgmental on February 18, 2009 at 4:47 PM · Report this
I look forward to reading the comments almost more than reading the column now. Almost.
Posted by kamm on February 18, 2009 at 5:50 PM · Report this
Please come to Tufts University! Dr. Drew came and he was useless. We want someone who knows what the fuck he's talking about.
Posted by Sarah on February 18, 2009 at 6:13 PM · Report this
Chelonaphobia - the fear of turtles.
Posted by the outer rim on February 18, 2009 at 7:20 PM · Report this
I agree with Lonelocust. I am a bi girl, and earlier this year I was getting pretty flirty with this lesbian friend of a friend of mine. Finally she asked me (because she is apparently pretty clueless) "Are you hitting on me?" I told her I was and she asked if I was a lesbian. When I told her I was bi, it became quite clear things would not progress. Its really sad to see that in the LGBT community these days. I think it comes from the suppressed idea that everyone wants to be straight and if I can be attracted to a guy I would leave any girl for a guy, since that is more accepted. And it really is a self perpetuating cycle; I really think this is the reason most bisexual women date more men than women. Men (the ones I have dated) are usually more open to me being into chicks than vice versa. And so lesbians see bi girls with boyfriends and presume its what we always want. Sigh.
Posted by fannerz on February 18, 2009 at 7:52 PM · Report this
I found it surprising that you were dogging Sue Johanson! But you must not know anything about her, as you implied that she wasn't old (she is 79!) I grew up on the Canadian border and was raised on The Sunday Night Sex Show; she was the woman who gave us straight talk about sex when and where I was coming up. Then you came along in the 90s and I moved far from Canada, and you replaced her. I've always really admired you both.…
Posted by transient on February 18, 2009 at 8:25 PM · Report this
Don't we all fear the turtle? I mean really.
Posted by Lola on February 18, 2009 at 8:27 PM · Report this
Haha, Dan sure enjoys pissing off bi-people!

I don't know about bi guys, but it seems to me that a lot of bi women probably revel in straight identities when it suits them. And even their bi tendencies are not seen as threatening to society, so long as they eventually end up with men. But given that a whole lot of women have bi tendencies, it does seem logical that gays and lesbians would be skeptical that these bi women (who are presumably comfortable being thought of as straight in daily life) are really willing to live a marginalized and unpopular lifestyle, especially when they can leave at any time.

In other words, Dan is right again.
Posted by PS on February 18, 2009 at 8:38 PM · Report this
Yay! I hate Dr. Drew! Since when does being an "Addiction Specialist" make one a sex expert anyway? That douche should stay right where he is, publicizing junkie D-listers.
Posted by Drew Flavored Haterade on February 18, 2009 at 8:45 PM · Report this
I agree with fannerz about the how bi"phobia" (quotation marks used as I think the term's extreme, although I can see how it happens) seems to be some kind of vicious cycle; the more bisexuals feel ostracised by the LGBWTFBBQ community, the more they're going to end up with people of the opposite sex.

I also agree with PS - in my (admittedly limited) experience, most bi women are quite happy to let people think they're straight. A variation on this, especially, I think, among young women (I'm an eighteen-year-old lesbian, and this has happened to me twice; I can't speak for the habits of bi men), is to adopt the bi label temporarily (and on the down-low) as an excuse to experiment, and then abandon it again if they discover that other girls don't really do it for them. While I've no problem with experimentation when it's labelled as such, the "really, I'm bi! ...OH NO WAIT" type of girl probably generates a lot of the hostility towards bisexuals in the queer community.

Another thing is that especially for bi women, being with men is easier, because men don't tend to see bisexuality as a threat - and I'd argue that this is cultural. It's a fairly common supposition that female bisexuality doesn't really exist, so for a woman in a straight relationship to identify as bi makes her sexy and cool and funky in her boyfriend's eyes, because more often than not he doesn't seriously believe that she'd really pick a woman over him. The thing is that this supposition also spills over into the queer community - so lesbians believe it too. Thusly, if a woman in a same-sex relationship to identify as bi, the other woman is much more likely to see any man in her life as a potential threat, which I can imagine would make things pretty tough on the bi girl. Unfair? Perhaps. I'm...not entirely sure how much sense this comment makes, so I'll stop here.
Posted by Rei on February 18, 2009 at 10:02 PM · Report this
CQ: All three schools are extremely conservative. The likelihood of them inviting Dan to speak is nil.

Rei: Your (and other) comments apply equally to the misgivings gay men feel toward bi guys. They can always run back to women. I've had so many men tell me that they're more sexually attracted to men but not emotionally, or that two men can't build a life together. It's a tiresome crock of shit. If bi people are so proud of themselves, why don't they throw their own parades? Why are there no major bi rights groups? It's because they've hopped on the back of the gay rights movement and support it when it's convenient for them.

I've only ever been seriously screwed over by bi guys. Gay guys can be slutty jerks, but bi guys will treat you like you're a pile of crap once they've gotten off. Not to mention, so many bi men and women later come out as either totally gay or totally straight that it's pretty hard to take them seriously. Certainly, people can be bi. But they can also be dishonest and delusional.
Posted by Paul R on February 18, 2009 at 10:50 PM · Report this
People into scat would WELCOME the turtle.


Posted by the outer rim on February 18, 2009 at 11:08 PM · Report this
Let's say as a dyed in the wool lesbian you're on the receiving end of a really hot chick only experimenting for a time with bi-curiosity. Aren't you better off for it?

Like, as a straight guy, I can pretty much say I'd be stoked on any hot lesbians who wanted to experiment with bi-curiosity for a time.

Posted by the outer rim on February 18, 2009 at 11:14 PM · Report this
I have to agree with lonelocust about your "get yourself a real lesbian girlfriend" comment. Biphobia among the gay/lesbian community is incredibly annoying and oppressive, especially when bisexuals simultaneously have to take so much flak from the heteros. Some people truly are queer/bi, not just lesbians until graduation.......
Posted by spiderwomann on February 19, 2009 at 12:19 AM · Report this
Please video tape your stint at BYU!
Posted by Scargut on February 19, 2009 at 2:40 AM · Report this
Im Bi and I have never had a problem with lesbians not likening me because I was Bi. Maybe I am just lucky.
Posted by Sara on February 19, 2009 at 6:05 AM · Report this
The first thing that popped into mind for diamondbacking is someone who wants expensive gifts before moving into the sexual part of the relationship. Kinda like a The Rules backslider.
Posted by Bramble on February 19, 2009 at 6:06 AM · Report this
dan! the q stands for QUEER!
Posted by Your Name Here on February 19, 2009 at 7:03 AM · Report this
Sue Johanson visited Canadore college while I was there in 98/99

I remember her getting a card "Is anal sex a bad idea?" Her reply "YES! Next Question."

This put me off anal sex for years, and I was honestly concerned for the health of my bi friends who were all about the anal, and tried to explain it to me.

I used to have such respect for her since her show was really the only available information we had at the time. I thought if Sue said it was a bad idea, she must be right.

Am I ever glad Dan's out there, undoing the damage.

Posted by fd on February 19, 2009 at 7:40 AM · Report this
Damnit, why couldn't you do this when I was in SUNY Albany? :(
Posted by DvlsAdvct on February 19, 2009 at 7:56 AM · Report this
Please please please do a column about speaking at BYU; I would love to hear some of their questions...
Posted by Anon on February 19, 2009 at 8:19 AM · Report this
Maybe I stopped listening to Drew before he became anti-anal (or, whatever - from the context it sounds like he's saying these people shouldn't be having anal sex with people who don't know what the hell they're doing - not enough lube, foreplay, etc.- though I may be wrong) but I'm not sure that, as far as sex advice in this country goes, Drew should be the target of your (sigh) increasingly silly and hopelessly pointless little invectives.

Again, I haven't listened to Drew in years, but at the time he seemed reasonable, articulate and open-minded. Three adjectives, Danny, I'm having trouble using to describe you of late. Yeah yeah yeah, you were never reasonable, articulate (unless the use of the word fuck as a comma counts) and your open-mind slams shut whenever someone disagrees with you on the topic of, oh say, gay marriage.

But never mind all that. Of course gays should be allowed to marry whoever they want. And of course we should all be able to fuck just the way we want to fuck all the fucking time (see? it's just distracting). But in a country where too many states are teaching abstinence-based sex ed (yeah yeah, dumb Christian hicks, wocka wocka, just listen for a second, ok?) don't you think it may be wiser, for the sake of the long run, that you kinda-sorta embrace relatively progressive people like Drew? Especially considering the miles of difference between him, and Johanson, or the eons between him and a Dr. Laura, or a Dear Prudie?

Or would that be, y'know, too reasonable?
Posted by Angie on February 19, 2009 at 8:24 AM · Report this
I think diamondbacking was hilarious! But here is an alternative sentence to demonstrate it. "When Sue lets Drew stick in her ass, she's just diamondbacking. He shouldn't expect it to last."
Posted by Luke on February 19, 2009 at 8:44 AM · Report this
Lonelocst, I have to disagree with you. I understand that it can be frustrating for us bisexuals out there. I am currently in a relationship with a dyke and we had a rough patch we had to work out. But I don't think that Dan's advice is wrong. Is this lesbian doesn't want to have sex with a penis present, her girlfriend should decide if 1. she can do without penis for the duration of her relationship with this particular lesbian, 2. talk to this lesbian about whther she would be comfortable with the bi going out and screwing a guy occasionally, or 3. tell her that no threesome with a guy is a deal breaker. But no one should ever go through with a sexual experience that is uncomfortable to them.
Posted by ProudByke on February 19, 2009 at 8:51 AM · Report this
Whoa. Dan didn't say anything about the capricious and fickle nature of bi women. He just advised a woman who didn't want to have a certain sexual encounter that her girlfriend requested to get out. He was flippant, yes, but you guys are taking this too far.

There ARE real bisexuals out there. And, like all people, regardless of whether they identify themselves as gay, straight, trans, whatever, there are good bisexual people, and there are deceitful ones. But to say that all bisexual women really just want to make themselves more attractive in a straight relationship is ignorant bullshit. I'm bi, and I've been in a relationship with a lesbian for over two years. And I don't think that our relationship in any way prepares me to appear more sexy in a presumed future relationship. And, even though I intend to spend the rest of my life with this woman, I am not a lesbian.

Grow up! Realize that when it comes to sex and relationships, there are many people who are likely to screw you over, not just bisexuals!
Posted by ProudByke on February 19, 2009 at 8:59 AM · Report this
i will personally pay for you to go to my alma mater, seattle pacific university, where the men are closeted, the girls are 'technical virgins', and everyone's under contract to keep it that way. my sex life has been screwed up ever since.
Posted by falcon on February 19, 2009 at 10:23 AM · Report this
I think 'fear of the turtle' goes more towards George Costanza's take on it. To me it's when you hook up with a hot guy for the first time; like the back room at the bar, and as you go down on him you find out that he's uncut. You hope he knows how to practice good hygiene and that there's no 'added' flavor down there. That's when I fear the turtle.
Posted by BigBear on February 19, 2009 at 12:46 PM · Report this
Followup on lonelocust, I really dislike it when Dan turns an honest but kind of stupid question into a joke at the questioners expense. Our sexual inadequacies draw out of our fear of looking stupid. Dan, you shouldn't be making that worse.

I'm glad Lethbridge got to experience you Dan. I hope your visit can inspire some change. That cultural wasteland was a place I lost three decades of my life. Not only is it devoid of a pulse, but things you usually see in a college town like art and music and nightlife are totally perverted by the Albertan way of thinking. There is literally nothing to enrich oneself with in that town.

I hope you enjoyed my personal favorite part of Lethbridge: leaving and not looking back.
Posted by livingatlast on February 19, 2009 at 12:59 PM · Report this
I have no clue why you would come to a small art college but could you please come to PNCA in Portland. (Just a lovely three hour train ride from you!) I think that would be ridiculously awesome.
Posted by K. on February 19, 2009 at 2:01 PM · Report this
Being bi leads many of us to strange interpretations of our gender identity. I live strictly as a gay man, although I'm self-identified as bi. I'm not fooling myself. I am definitely attracted to women. However, when I was coming out years ago I found that most straight women don't deal well with their partner maintaining an interest in men. Especially an interest that they espouse an interest in pursuing. I had several female friends who wanted to pursue things further than friendship (making out was fun), but they all sort of expected you to stay hetero-monogomous with them. Wasn't going to happen with me.

I've lived 25 years in an open relationship with my boyfriend and 14 years with my other boyfriend (we all live together). I was openly poly with them both from the beginning. It caused some jealousy problems on their part initially, but they've actively come around. They had to or it wouldn't have worked for us because I've only ever concieved of myself as poly from as far back as I can remember. So, I must be the exception that proves Dan's first point about when it is safe to move to an open relationship. I never had that first year he talked about.

These relationships do make finding a female more than friend a little difficult and I can live with that. However, I'm still bi.
Posted by thomashwhite on February 19, 2009 at 2:15 PM · Report this
Dan, does anyone ever tape these Savage Love Live sessions? I'd love to see them on youtube, but maybe I just have to do more digging through the search results. It would be even better to have downloadable videos (or audio recordings) of the sessions here on slog, since I don't have an internet connection at home and can't watch them at the library without remembering headphones. Is this an idea you'd be into, or do you have enough on your plate already?
Posted by Pretty Please on February 19, 2009 at 2:43 PM · Report this
PLEASE come to UMass Dartmouth

that would fucking amazing..share your knowledge amongst those willing to learn
Posted by Maverick on February 19, 2009 at 4:11 PM · Report this
ALABAMA DAN. ALABAMA. PLEASE. You have no idea what the state of sex-ed is here. College kids are WARPED. PLEASE. Come to Alabama.

Bring a gun. <3
Posted by TheSmartestGirlInBama on February 19, 2009 at 4:49 PM · Report this
"Let's say as a dyed in the wool lesbian you're on the receiving end of a really hot chick only experimenting for a time with bi-curiosity. Aren't you better off for it?"

Sure, the outer rim, if both you and the really hot experimenting chick know and accept that she's experimenting and it may well not last. I've no quibble with that kind of experience. My problem is when experimenting people claim bisexuality - honest-to-God, this-is-how-I-am bisexuality - because they think that's somehow more okay than bicuriosity, and then drop the label once they've tried out someone of the same sex and realised they're not really that into it. That's how a lot of people get screwed over. I'd imagine the same thing happens - for argument's sake - when gay people start out bi-identified because that's somehow easier than being gay, and become involved with someone of the opposite sex.

Likewise (and I realise no one asked for my opinion on this, but here it is anyway) I know that bisexuals exist and that they are capable of committing to a partner - of either gender. I'd just argue that genuine bisexuals have sort of been lost among those who identify as bi when they're actually not - for whatever reason. I'm not saying biphobia is right. It isn't. But things like this are probably why it happens.
Posted by Rei on February 19, 2009 at 5:03 PM · Report this
I don't know how you did it, Dan, but in that eclectic group of four universities you managed to hit both of the ones I attended. I am sorry I missed you!

BTW, @? who wrote:
BYU? Since when do the mormons embrace Dan Savage? Seems like a strange speaking engagement request from an LDS-run institution... I think I would like to be a fly on the wall during that event.
Assuming Dan wasn't pulling our legs, perhaps BYU invited him to show to the fresh-faced kiddies how NOT to turn out, perhaps neglecting to imagine that for many of them it's too late.
Posted by Robin on February 19, 2009 at 5:39 PM · Report this
@WTMI, who wrote:
{snip} I disagree with the definition of bi that includes the idea of needing sex with both genders.

As a bi woman, I see myself as attracted to folks of either gender.

So I'm attracted to many different types of people, this does not affect my monogamy.

The key here, people, is "either," not "both." I prefer to use the term "ambisexual" for this reason.
Posted by Robin on February 19, 2009 at 6:03 PM · Report this
Dietposter was right. We need shorter, BS free questions here. This will allow covering more issues while still maintaining the informative and entertaining value of this column.

Check the February 17, 2009 at 9:09 PM posting
Posted by someone on February 19, 2009 at 6:08 PM · Report this
Just for the record Danno (you da Man Dan!), my buddy, a bona fide proctologist (yes, he scopes colons and rectums and so forth for a large living every day), tells me that yes, anal sex is not good for your anus. He's a doctor, he's not gay, has nothing against gays, but when gays have problems with their anuses (and he's in Miami), he's the guy they see. His conclusion from seeing his gay clients, don't do anal sex, your asshole won't like.

Hate to burst your bubble dude, but that's straight from the good ass doctor's mouth.

Onwards and upwards Dan!
Posted by The Wet One on February 19, 2009 at 6:52 PM · Report this
BTW, if you're gonna do a three way in a committed relationship I'd say do it with a pro. They are pro's for a reason, they won't rat on you (unless you're a hellfire and damnation televangelist), they're cleaner than most (because they HAVE TO BE) and make sure they are well reviewed. A good review from a reputable and reliable reviewer is a must. Also, no matter what you do, she picks not you. It's her ego and sensitivities that must be assuaged. You'll get enough joy out of it no matter what. Unless you really want to have fun in which case you pick the two girls and leave the committed partner out of it.

Also, be smart about it and do it in Montreal in a hotel room (where it is perfectly LEGAL)(this is especially critical if it doesn't involve the committed partner), and not in the crazy US of A where you can give it away all day long, but if you accept one red cent your ass is going to jail, your mugs (literally) is on the TV, the Net and the local newspaper and you have a record. Crazy place you guys live.

Heck, go to Montreal (or any big city in Canada for that matter) for all sorts of good times (even if you don't want to do a threesome). Every city is different though so do your research ahead of time.

Now that I've made Canada out as the prostitution mecca of North America (never been to Mexico in this regard, but I've heard about some good things from there too, some fucking scary things as well...) and a gay haven (hey you can get married here if you want!), I think I'll go and enjoy the rest of my fine country your good president was so kind to visit first in the entire world.

Posted by The Wet One on February 19, 2009 at 7:06 PM · Report this
"?", you have fallen into the sarchasm.
Posted by Brett on February 19, 2009 at 7:08 PM · Report this
What is "brinking"?
Posted by m on February 19, 2009 at 9:18 PM · Report this
Re: the "it's hard to be a bi woman" conversation: Yes. It is. I am, so I know. And yes, hearing about it gets old. I'm the one saying it half the time, and even I get tired of listening to me.

But here's the thing. There are layers and layers and layers of sexism and hate and repression. If you are often in same-sex relationships, for any duration, there is potentially an unbelievable amount of shit you have to deal with that people who are not in same-sex relationships do not. I have hooked up with women, am married to a man, am still deeply attracted to women, and am slowly working up the courage to open up my relationship and go after all my desires. But in the meantime, I can put my partner's picture up in the office. I can hold his hand or kiss him anywhere I want to. I get his health insurance. If one of us gets sick, the other one can make health care decisions. We can have a child together with no technical assistance of any kind, no one will ever dispute who our child's parents are, and we will have no trouble getting child care. We can go home with each other for any holiday. On and on and on.
These differences are often a matter of life and death. Lesbians do not just have a chip on their shoulder.

So bi women, I am not saying we're not closeted, misunderstood, stereotyped, objectified/exoticized by straight men, etc. But our closet is a different size and shape.

This is a HUGE generalization, but I'm saying it anyway: it'll be a cold day in hell when bi women stop pissing off lesbians (if I were a lesbian, I'd probably be annoyed with me, too) and when lesbians stop hurting bi women's feelings (I've just read all the comments here and there were definitely some owies). But I'm not sure we really have time to sit around worrying about whether there's such a thing as "internalized biphobia" when - just for one example - queer youth around the globe are at higher risk for suicide, sexual violence, HIV/AIDS, etc. etc. etc. We can have our internal conflicts and complain to our friends about feeling left out - and movements and communities have always marginalized some while excluding others.

So to all the bi women in relationships with men (especially if you have a marriage license), please find the courage to BE OUT whenever and wherever you can be. And be out in a way that acknowledges that you have straight privilege. Have sex with whomever you want, however you want, whenever you want, safely, with consent, but be out. You will be a happier person for it and you will be contributing to all of our liberation.

But let's keep our eye on the prize...human rights for people of all genders and sexual orientations (even Dan and his LGBTQ self), worldwide.
Posted by bi women on a soapbox on February 19, 2009 at 9:19 PM · Report this
P.S. To Dan - I don't agree with every single thing that comes out of your mouth. I wish you would talk a whole lot more about race. I wish you would say more about sexual violence. I wish you would talk a little bit differently about bi women. Hell, sometimes I wish you WERE a bi woman. But at the end of the day? The work you do saves lives. And - for all your sarcasm and skanky talk - I met you at the book signing after your talk at Maryland and witnessed your very deep kindness. Everyone knows you are funny as hell and don't take shit from ANYone. But you are a lifeline to who knows how many lost souls, of all sexual orientations and genders and ages, and you do this work out of love and hope. It was a joy to witness that, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the work that you do.

Also? I laughed so hard when I read the definition of diamondbacking that I feared the turtle.
Posted by bi womAn on a soapbox (oops) on February 19, 2009 at 9:29 PM · Report this
Got a better one for fearing the turtle. Turtles keep their heads inside their shells a lot, right? "Fearing the turtle" is uncut-dick-o-phobia.
Posted by coinola on February 19, 2009 at 10:48 PM · Report this
All right. What?? What's this about a TV show??? What what what??? I've been a fan on your unofficial facebook page--today a new "official page" ??? A television show???? omg
Posted by wow on February 19, 2009 at 10:48 PM · Report this
yeah, saying that she should get an actual lesbian girlfriend.... that is biphobic.... but, the point being, if a bisexual female has a lesbian girlfriend, but wants to be with a man and a woman, does this mean that the advice for bisexual women is to only date other bisexual women, who would most likely be interested in the MWW scenario? sounds like, the dating pool closes, further for bi's... and how could one assume they wouldn't practice monogamy anyway?
Posted by sophoclick on February 19, 2009 at 11:13 PM · Report this
Dan, you continue to ROCK! Thanks again for making my day.
Posted by babe on February 19, 2009 at 11:21 PM · Report this
I saw you about a year ago at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, PA, and I must say your wit and charm have not lessened! The last answer was hilarious!
Posted by RichieB07 on February 19, 2009 at 11:54 PM · Report this
Dammit, Dan, stop turning the lesbians off to the bi girls! That lesbian could still date a bisexual girl -- she just needs to find one who comprehends that she is a LESBIAN and doesn't want to fuck men under any circumstances. Some of us do understand that.
Posted by Jolie on February 20, 2009 at 5:46 AM · Report this

please don't be so clever, obviously your readers are too GODAMN STUPID to pick up on a joke.
Posted by people this stupid shouldn't be sticking things up their ass on February 20, 2009 at 6:03 AM · Report this
Dear Readers,
I wanted to follow up the asshole advice I gave earlier.
Don't bother with a condom or worry about STI, we're all going to die eventually- enjoy life while you can!
Remember, I'm a bad man!
Posted by Dam Savage on February 20, 2009 at 6:32 AM · Report this
For all of you and your proctologist friends who say that anal sex leads to loose buttholes, I'll call yours and raise you one. My proctologist (a straight woman) says there is no such issue. Therefore, you may want to consider whether your anal sex hating proctologist friends are merely anally offended and not objective in their conclusions. Oh, and BTW, men regularly recieving anal prostate stimulation are significantly at less risk of having prostate cancer than those not recieving said stimulation.
Posted by thomashwhite on February 20, 2009 at 6:34 AM · Report this
OMG I'm so mad! I used to go to SUNY Albany...I can't believe I missed Dan by 2 years!
Posted by how could I miss it?! on February 20, 2009 at 8:53 AM · Report this
Thanks for that helpful advise, thomasswipe; I feel better knowing that when the AIDS gets me I'll go with a clean prostate.
Posted by Bathhouse Bubba on February 20, 2009 at 9:02 AM · Report this
i remember when i was a wee lass hovered in the dark next to the radio listening to savage love live. i've always been sex-positive but a person can learn a lot from a skank on a radio show. thanks for all the information and sarcasm, dan. i'll go to the byu gig. *wink*
Posted by psychobabble on February 20, 2009 at 10:00 AM · Report this
Dan: I laughed so hard I feared the turtle, and I'm still laughing (oh dear, gotta go).
Posted by ac roberts on February 20, 2009 at 11:09 AM · Report this
Why would your proctologist care if you blow your asshole out? It just means more business for her. Like the dentist telling kids to eat all the candy they want.
Posted by please don't cough while sitting on the upholstery on February 20, 2009 at 11:24 AM · Report this
3-way with an ex?!
Are you serious!?
Posted by tj on February 20, 2009 at 1:07 PM · Report this
BYU is hosting you? Is this the same BYU that can kick a student out for acing in a homosexual manner? That BYU?
Posted by Bergit on February 20, 2009 at 1:58 PM · Report this
There's no particular reason to declare yourself to be "bisexual". If I'm flirting with a girl and she asks then I say "yes, I do like girls." Same thing for a guy. The other people I might want to date are not any one else's business, if we're being casual. And if we're in a relationship? Sure it comes up, but I don't allow it to be a topic of debate, and I remind my partner that it really isn't his/her place to tell me who I am allowed to like.
I think bisexuality only becomes an issue if you spread it around. Then it sounds like you are giving yourself an "out."
Posted by Bergit on February 20, 2009 at 2:20 PM · Report this
you are joking!!! Liberty, BYU, and Notre Dame?! yeah right!
Posted by jezzy on February 20, 2009 at 2:42 PM · Report this
As a long standing "Sex with Sue" viewer, I KNOW she speaks very objectively about the pros and cons of anal sex - in the case where 'she advised against it' I imagine the questioner voiced negative feelings about having anal sex.
Sue talks so positively about consensual sex - she clearly knows how to have a good time - lesbians and gays in the audience feel supported and respected.
Posted by PennyWise on February 20, 2009 at 2:54 PM · Report this
I was at the Albany talk, it was fantastic! Thanks so much, Dan, I really enjoyed it.
Posted by Clafoutis on February 20, 2009 at 3:03 PM · Report this
I fucking love this guy.
Posted by some dork on February 20, 2009 at 3:08 PM · Report this
Dan never have i laughed out loud so much as.Always great advice. Keep up the good work,who would of thought that a L, B, T could give out advice to all the straight people out there that read your column
Posted by inotnrml on February 20, 2009 at 5:25 PM · Report this
I wish you did tours in Halifax Nova Scotia! I always read your column, and love it!! It's like an addicktion of mine!! Your the best Dan! Dan you are the Man! :) If your column's ever stoped I wouldent have a reason to turn on my computer!
Posted by mindy on February 20, 2009 at 5:58 PM · Report this
"When Sue Johanson was here, she spoke against trying anal sex, due to damages, etc."

Sue Johanson has come to my school every year for the last god-knows-how-many years, and she pretty much says the exact same thing every time. I don't recall her saying anything remotely like that, only pointing out the realities of anal sex, much as Dan here does, when necessary.

Her website sure as hell doesn't sound like she thinks it's any fun, but she gives advice on how to do it if you're going to. I doubt she would do that if she was really just against it.

This is completely directed at the person who wrote the question, not Dan - witty, as always - and I know he's met her (…), so I think if he was serious, he likely wouldn't use the phrase "WHEN (she) gets old", lol
Posted by Nicky on February 20, 2009 at 6:37 PM · Report this
When will you appear at Bob Jones University?
Posted by athEIst on February 20, 2009 at 8:14 PM · Report this
I agree with lonelocust. I'm sure you're just being facetious, but it kind of sucks after being rejected on the basis of my sexuality so many times to hear the same crap in a place I usually think of as pretty accepting.
Posted by Karandora on February 20, 2009 at 10:12 PM · Report this
Come to The University of British Columbia in Vancouver (UBC). It's so close to Seattle - Just have to cross that border, D-Savvy. I have a question for you~
Posted by Jess on February 20, 2009 at 11:13 PM · Report this
Dan stated that Sue Johanson and Dr. Drew “…seem as terrified of anal sex as they are ignorant about it—and tense, inept people can hurt themselves engaging in anal sex.” But, he made no mention of any “myth of the leaky arse.” Nor, did he cite advice from any trusted medical sources on the topic. What gives? Will the average human ass be more likely to leak, or leak more often, if exposed to frequent penetration, over a long time? What do medical practitioners have to say on this?
Posted by Will it leak? on February 21, 2009 at 10:23 AM · Report this
Dan stated that Sue Johanson and Dr. Drew “…seem as terrified of anal sex as they are ignorant about it—and tense, inept people can hurt themselves engaging in anal sex.” But, he made no mention of any “myth of the leaky arse.” Nor, did he cite advice from any trusted medical sources on the topic. What gives? Will the average human ass be more likely to leak, or leak more often, if exposed to frequent penetration, over a long time? What do medical eggheads have to say on this?
Posted by Will it leak? on February 21, 2009 at 10:28 AM · Report this
Yes, your ass will leak and worse.

Dan admits it, though in a typical smart-ass don't-give-a-shit way.
Dan claims your ass will leak anyway, so it doesn't matter.
He is wrong.

How about a little "SCIENCE" about anal sex and a little less BULLSHIT?
Posted by Dan can't handle the truth and will hide it from you on February 21, 2009 at 12:42 PM · Report this
Dan, have taken to listening to your Podcasts while I work. I love everything you say and stand for...I love your being so I'm going to be upfront as well....I think you're hot as hell and would love to fuck the daylights out of you!
Oh, BTW.....what's "brinking?"
Posted by Petetown on February 21, 2009 at 12:57 PM · Report this
Glad to hear that you're preparing a Savage Love presentation for Brigham Young University. It would have saved me a lot of grief if I'd known ANYTHING intelligent about gay sex during my BYU student days. I thought being gay was about having an abnormal penis fixation, and that Jesus was pissed off about it. Turns out that my penis fixation is perfectly normal, and Jesus is thrilled I finally stopped ignoring all the delicious cock He sends my way.
Posted by squirt on February 21, 2009 at 2:25 PM · Report this
Yes Dan "U" Savage, odds are that your anus will leak at an older age. The odds are higher that your anus will contract cancer (and all of those other "fun" diseases that homosexuals contract) if you keep abusing it.
Posted by aSeattleConservative on February 21, 2009 at 4:41 PM · Report this
you are not seriously going to byu, are you? i promised myself to never set foot in provo again but if you were speaking there, i'd break that promise. this is a hoax, right? they'd never let you in...
Posted by epiphenita on February 21, 2009 at 5:48 PM · Report this
Brigham Young? That has to be a joke. Please confirm, Dan.
Posted by Stephen on February 21, 2009 at 8:08 PM · Report this
Okay, I know nothing about the other two schools, so I can be forgiven for getting the joke late.
Posted by Stephen on February 21, 2009 at 8:10 PM · Report this
whats with all the ladies who are "looking for ways to make anal more comfortable"??? if it hurts and damages you, JUST SAY NO for the love of god! you have the right to SAY NO TO ANAL! if some dude "expects it" from you- fuck him! (as in tell him to get f'ed, not actually fuck him.)
Posted by beccyjoe on February 21, 2009 at 9:12 PM · Report this
Get the diamond FIRST!
Posted by lil ole moi on February 21, 2009 at 9:34 PM · Report this
You are confused, Dan.

Just because you ARE an asshole doesn't mean you are qualified to give medical advice ABOUT assholes.

In the current oppressive PC social environment no physician is going to go out on a limb and give unwelcome frank accurate advice about anal health.
For his trouble Pinsky gets labeled homophobe. Activist gays won't accept advice that doesn't fit their view of the world. There is no room in the cult for objective advice.

Go ahead.
Blow your asshole out.
Leak like Dan.
"It's just part of getting old"

Stock up on brown pants.
Posted by and buy stock in Depends on February 22, 2009 at 6:19 AM · Report this
I have only been reading Savage Love for a couple of years now, so I am not sure if you have done so in recent history, but are you going to speak at the UW some time in the near future? I mean, for god's sake, you work in Seattle. Come on, give us some home love.
Posted by Julian on February 22, 2009 at 7:07 AM · Report this
A reply to: "and buy stock in Depends"

I bet you've never had anal sex.
Posted by Julian on February 22, 2009 at 7:08 AM · Report this
Dan, Do you actually have any real evidence that anal sex won't harm a person's asshole? I mean, whatever floats your boat. But(t) I see some pictures online that perhaps no one should ever see of people who've obviously enjoyed having things shoved up their asses a little too much, and their rectums are very much worse for the wear. Then of course there are anal fissures caused by ramming things way too large up there(see various Mapplethorpe photographs). And sometimes that gets you a trip to the emergency room... or worse, which makes for very interesting, smirky cocktail(cock tale?) conversations with emergency room doctors.

And, Dan, I pee in the shower. Regularly. Not just my own shower, but everyone's shower I use. Pee is sterile, Dan, unlike anal sex and its byproducts. I just thought I'd state this, because in the past you've expressed some revulsion at the practice. I bet if you looked at the constituents of a healthy person's urine it wouldn't differ much from your household cleaner.
Posted by Rob, MN on February 22, 2009 at 8:55 AM · Report this
@ biwomAn on a soapbox: Thanks for verbalizing what I can't ever seem to in your comments.

As a complete non-sequitir, I'm going to propose the idea of hosting Mr. Savage to my university's Q & A.
Posted by Bi Student on February 22, 2009 at 8:58 AM · Report this
While at first glance the U of L, being in the midst of a Mormon community, seems an odd host for some Savage only has to look at its past to realize it's clean cut appearances are only a disguise.

The whole city was founded on brothels and illegal booze after all.

I am having flashbacks to my own sex-ed classes many years ago, where the teachers threw out more of the 3x5 cards then they answered (with a faint murmur of "I can't talk about this").
Posted by A Non Mouse on February 22, 2009 at 10:09 AM · Report this
I have a better definition for Brownbacking-
It is when leaky ass gays wear inappropriately light colored pants;
as in;
"Marco thought he was the stuff in those white pants but he was brownbacking by the third dance..."
Posted by You can use that in a column, Dan on February 22, 2009 at 11:41 AM · Report this
It's funny, cuz diamondbacking works! I wasn't pushing to get married or anything, but I do love my boyfriend very much, and within a month of letting him know, he popped the question!! I know another girl whose boyfriend proposed to her shortly afterward too. I think the way to a man's heart is through your butt. (o:
Posted by Ilovemymanimal on February 22, 2009 at 3:45 PM · Report this
Posted by HopefulHusky on February 22, 2009 at 3:46 PM · Report this
Gee girls, a man that finally pops the question because you let him do you in the ass is a rare catch-
Posted by ...and they lived happily ever after on February 22, 2009 at 4:41 PM · Report this
lonelocust, I have never met (or dated) a bisexual grrl who didn't also want to date men -- usually at the same time.

The the "other" is a different gender is immaterial. It's like asking a monogamous person to feel totally comfy dating a person who's poly. It's just not going to work for the monogamous person.
Posted by WordyGrrl on February 22, 2009 at 4:50 PM · Report this
Dan Keep up the great work!! you bring honest, frank answers with a splash of humor I look forward to every week
Posted by abs on February 22, 2009 at 8:07 PM · Report this
"(can we all get behind the idea that a relationship can be short-lived and still be a success?)"

Thanks for that. I've wanted to hear that for years.
Posted by Dude on February 23, 2009 at 10:23 AM · Report this
re: lonelocust

I agree the "get yourself a real lesbian girlfriend" was a bit pointed toward bisexuals, which are already the lowest notch on the sexuality totem pole I think.. because apparently we are just confused, or selfish, or in transition, or blah blah. .. and that comment certainly didn't help the cause, and I would like to think in my mind it was supposed to be funny and not taken to heart. I would like to think the REAL advice would be the same for anyone who's partner is interested in having a 3some and their not game- don't do it, but don't be surprised if you're not meeting her needs and she moves on. Bisexuality unimportant.
Posted by leftRIGHTleft on February 23, 2009 at 12:21 PM · Report this
Dan, is there some sort of glossary/ guidebook/ etiquette manual for the LGBTQ community? It seems that a lot of the problems the commenters have with bisexuals are based on misrepresentation, or plain old crappy communication, rather than bisexuals themselves. I could see where a bisexual who is also poly could get into trouble for not disclosing the "poly" part, just as someone who advertises themselves as bi (or gay, or lesbian) could really hurt their partner if it turns out that "questioning," "bi-curious," or even just "experimenting" would have been more apt.
Posted by Gwyn on February 23, 2009 at 1:28 PM · Report this
Real life no nonsense Sex Ed rules.
Glad you're here now, wish you were around back when I was in college.
Posted by beachgirl on February 23, 2009 at 1:43 PM · Report this
Wow, BYU is having you out there? Go Mormon college kids!
Posted by Timmy! on February 23, 2009 at 4:11 PM · Report this
1. "Fear the Turtle" isn't any of those things, dammit! Fear the Turtle is the moment before you put your finger in a guy's butt and wonder if you'll encounter Mr Turtlehead. And then wonder what do you do/say if he's lurking.

2.3x5 cards are a bad idea because they fuck up your disk drive.

3. And yes! to short but good relationships. First, they teach you to take the focus off duration as a measure of quality. (How many of us know some grandparents who should have divorced during the Johnson Administration?) Secondly, I had a great short relationship that definitely helped my current marriage. This guy, though he dumped me three months in (bastard!), taught me (before that) what it was really like to fall in love, that I could have fun in a relationship where I was treated respectfully, be with someone who wasn't a head case, etc. I'm not in love with him anymore and don't even think of him in those terms, but I have a soft spot for him because he helped me learn some good things about myself.

Posted by robt vesco, jr. on February 23, 2009 at 5:04 PM · Report this

i heard the pres today call on a third runway from the state of


thanks to the stranger, liberalism is a brighter shade of blue....

and yes... the lips are blue.
Posted by dan on February 23, 2009 at 5:35 PM · Report this
Hey commenters! I asked Dan if he knew about brinking at UMCP after I heard about it from high school friends when we were catching up at a bar over Christmas. Brinking is short for "butt drinking" : my friends know college kids (seriously, other random people, not like "oh, this hemorrhoid cream is for a friend of a friend!") who apparently pour alcohol in their butts to get drunk faster, and girls apparently soak and insert tampons for the same purpose. Simultaneously ridiculous, kind of gross, and probably very dangerous, huh? But if Dan didn't know, I guess it's limited to Mid-Atlantic rednecks.

PS, the U of Md. definitions are hilarious! Especially when you think about Thirsty Turtle (a shady CP bar).
Posted by "SavageLove"-in' Terp on February 23, 2009 at 6:03 PM · Report this
OOooh awesome! The sex advice worlds COLLIDE! Which is so weird for me, cuz I love Dan AND Drew a whole lot!

Oh well. It was funny!
Posted by Kaitlin on February 24, 2009 at 3:52 AM · Report this
It is NOT fair to assume sexual incompetence or incompatibility is reason for a dearth of orgasms, especially if the woman in question is young. I didn't figure out how to have an orgasm until my mid-twenties. My boyfriend is a great lover and enthusiastic participant in my orgasms, but if I hadn't told him he'd never have known how it was done. On the other hand, he said in college his girlfriend had never had an orgasm before they became lovers, and they overcame that together.
It's just not as obvious for women as it is for men. You need to experiment and, if you haven't already, TRY A VIBRATOR. Of course, the woman might lying to make you feel better.
Posted by s on February 24, 2009 at 5:19 AM · Report this
Come to WVU please? I promise you, we're not *that* conservative.
[also our GLBTQ pride week is in april]
Posted by squeeks on February 24, 2009 at 5:49 AM · Report this
"If she hasn't orgasmed yet, will she ever?

Yes, but probably with someone else."

OMFG! You are a funny funny man.
Posted by Lalas on February 24, 2009 at 8:33 AM · Report this
thanks for the lgbtq comment. they push silly pc labels and propaganda on us all through college and it can be hard to get it out of your head.
Posted by Melly on February 24, 2009 at 6:30 PM · Report this
Ugh, could the Bi's stop bitching about "bi-phobia" gay people aren't afraid of bi's anymore than we are afraid of straight people. That question illustrates why people however may not want to date bi's. Gee, the woman is a lesbian and her bi girlfriend wants to bring a man into the bed with them.......Ta Da! end of story. If I was dating a bi guy and he wanted to bring a woman into the bed, I would be gone also, i'm not attracted to women. here is an idea, find another bi person to date then have all the mixed sex threeways you want!
Posted by Cam on February 25, 2009 at 10:44 AM · Report this
Fearing the turtle will absolutely catch on...
Posted by catching up on reading... on February 25, 2009 at 4:55 PM · Report this
Please, please make a webcast of the Briigham Young "happening." Lordy, it shall be just fabulous. Do remember they are really naifs.
Posted by past-prime Babs on February 26, 2009 at 12:44 PM · Report this
Thanks for coming to Lethbridge Dan!
Posted by skepchick on February 27, 2009 at 3:18 PM · Report this
Greta Christina wrote a wonderful reply to your answer about "an actual lesbian girlfriend" here:…

I think you'd like to consider it.
Posted by Ola on February 28, 2009 at 12:35 AM · Report this
I'm kind of surprised at the hostility in this article towards Sue Johanson. I have seen her show often and never heard her moralize or preach or even prohibit anyone from doing anything. She tries to provide factual information without any judgment. If there are risks or benefits to an activity, she addresses BOTH.

I would rather hear the down side to any sexual activity and then make a well-informed decision.

I usually enjoy reading this column. Not this time. It just felt bitchy and mean.
Posted by Love Sex & Each Other on March 5, 2009 at 11:36 PM · Report this
are you seriously going to BYU? can you tape every minute of it? ps diamondbacking had me rofl.
Posted by stawberry on March 9, 2009 at 7:14 PM · Report this
"can we all get behind the idea that a relationship can be short-lived and still be a success?"

Yes! Fuck yes!

Thank you, Dan, for this bit of unconventional wisdom.

As a poly person, it took me a few years to learn that a relationship can be healthy, happy, and successful, and still come to an end, just because (like any living, dynamic thing) it has a lifespan.

A relationship might last a lifetime, a year, or just one special night, but its ending is not necessarily a failure.

I just notched down from lover to platonic friend with someone after about eighteen months. It hurt when he said he wanted to change the nature of our relationship, but in retrospect it was the right thing to do. The time we were together was healthy and healing for both of us, and it came to a natural end.

This is not to say good relationships can't be broken and ended prematurely by people fucking up, because naturally that happens too. It just shits me up the wall that in mainstream society an ended relationship is always seen as a failed relationship.
Posted by DexX on March 16, 2009 at 1:00 AM · Report this
Man, I can't believe I didn't come back to read this thread again for weeks.
Posted by lonelocust on March 22, 2009 at 9:38 PM · Report this
I went to UMD. Love your definitions.

Dr. Drew sucks! He gives the worst all-around-phobic advice!
Posted by Slumdig on March 24, 2009 at 9:39 AM · Report this
Fearing the turtle is fabulous term, especially since I just feared the turtle about 5 minutes ago. I didn't know that was enough of an issue with other people to get a term! Thanks Dan! (For being entertaining and for making me feel better about my weird -- or maybe not so weird -- bed phobias).
Posted by theharewon on March 28, 2009 at 5:57 PM · Report this
Since when is Sue Johannson against anal sex? Seriously I've never heard her say anything bad about it before.
Posted by Dan2000 on April 13, 2009 at 2:20 PM · Report this
how did I miss that you were at my school?? :(
Posted by eal on April 21, 2009 at 8:04 AM · Report this
Cynara 172
Hmph, I think diamondbacking is a handy word but should be expanded past anal to mean the common practice of "pretending to enjoy your partner's kinks in order to convince them to marry you, then shutting down afterwards."

"When they were dating, Sue told Drew that she wanted to explore BDSM and swinging, but she was only diamondbacking, and since the wedding she'll only consent to missionary with the lights off once a month."
Posted by Cynara on September 6, 2013 at 7:25 AM · Report this

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