Savage Love Podcast
Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at email@example.com.
Savage Love Archives
The Boys in the Bandwidth
More from Dan Savage
SL Letter of the Day: For Better or Worse
Where Did the Missing "Jesus Festival" Money Go?
The First Church of Cocktails Before Services
"Five cops go drinking and shoot at a middle class black couple—whatever."
SL Letter of the Day: Judgment Daze
Books by Dan Savage
- American Savage
- It Gets Better: Coming Out, Overcoming Bullying, and Creating a Life Worth Living
- The Commitment: Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family
- Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me
- Skipping Towards Gomorrah
- The Kid: What Happened After My Boyfriend and I Decided to Go Get Pregnant
Want a Second Opinion?
Contact Dan Savage
Meet Brent from Miami
September 5, 2002
First of all, that I only did it because you left and I missed you and wanted to feel special even if only for a moment line is a CROCK OF SHIT. Christ, I hope you didnt fall for that.
As for the rest of your letter
Heres the problem: You love this woman, she cheated on you, and she is going to cheat on you again. To her credit, your girlfriend put all her cards on the tableshes messed around on every guy shes been with and, whats more, she doubts shell ever be able to stop. Lets read between the lines, shall we? When she says she doubts she could ever stop cheating, what she means is, I like cheating, it turns me on, and I have no intention of ever being faithful to you or any other man. Is she a terrible person? No. Should you dump her? Depends. She leveled with youwhich is more than most serial adulterers ever doand now you get to make an informed decision: Do you want to be with the most amazing woman in the world, COD, even if this amazing woman cheats on you regularly? Or do you want to dump her and go ﬁnd someone less amazing but more faithful?
Reading your letter reminded me of a desperately sexy guy I met last year when I was doing some research for my next book. Zacan amazingly good-looking 28-year-old guywas going out with Megan, a 32-year-old lawyer. After they had been dating for six months, Megan laid her cards on the table: As much as she loved him, Megan could only be with Zac if she could have sex with other guys once in a while. Not with tons of other guys (were not talking Catherine M. numbers), but Megan would sleep with at least two or three guys every year. But there was more: Despite the fact that she had no intention of being faithful to Zac, she could only be with him if he promised to be faithful to her.
Was Megan being unfair? Yes. Did Megan have a double standard? You bet. Was she doing the right thing by Zac? Absolutely. She was straightforward: He could be with her and be cheated on, or ﬁnd someone else. Most men wouldve walked out the door (She can cheat on me but I cant cheat on her? Fuck that!), and at ﬁrst Zac was pretty upset by Megans ultimatum.
After the shock wore off, Zac told me, I admitted to myself that I didnt really want to sleep with other women, so I told her okay. He doesnt get jealous? I did at ﬁrst, but when she did sleep with other guys, she would come home and tell me about it, and I would get so fucking horny-slash-angry that we would have the most amazing sex. Pretty soon I wasnt angry when she fucked around, just horny.
It was a good thing that Zac was just horny by the time he proposed to Megan, a year after her ultimatum. She agreed on one condition: The mutual friend who introduced them, a man with whom Megan regularly cheated on Zac, would be Zacs best manand on their wedding night, Megan would fuck the best man, not the groom. That Zac agreed to it kind of sealed the deal for me, Megan told me. I knew that he was the right guy for me.
Our deal is weird, Zac told me when I called recently to ask how things were going. She has total sexual autonomy, but I dont have any at all. I guess Im submissive to her, even if I dont have to eat dinner out of a dog dish or anything freaky. Guys who read this will think Im a freak, but it turns me on and it turns her on, so fuck what other people think.
So whats the lesson here for you? If ﬁdelity is important to you, break up with this woman immediately. She may be amazing, but shell never, ever be faithful. But if youre crazy in love with her, and you can stand the thought of sharing her, well, fuck what other people think. And maybe with time and reasonable safeguards, you guys can turn this amazing womans need to cheat on you into something that enhances your shared sex life, just as Zac and Megan have. Unlike Megan, however, your girlfriend may agree to a co-equal, even-steven open relationship; perhaps you could go to swingers parties together, and she could screw around with other guys while you mess around with other women. Or if swingers parties hold no appeal, you would be free to cheat on her when you go out of town since you know for a fact shell be cheating on you.
Good luck, COD.
Dan! Whatever happened with the tighty-whities contest? Two weeks ago you said you were having trouble contacting the winner, and theres been no update since. What gives?
Love Em Tight and White
And the winner is BRENT, of Miami, Florida.
Brents picture was entered in the contest by his boyfriend, without Brents consent. Brent and his boyfriend broke up during the contest, which is too bad for Brents ex-boyfriendﬁrst, because Brents fucking hot, and second, because Brents boyfriend wont be going to Vegas with Brent.
Ill get him a nice present, Brent told me when I ﬁnallyFINALLY!got him on the phone. But I think it would be awkward if he came along.
Here are some fun Brent facts: Brent grew up on a dairy farm in Wisconsin, he works in mergers and acquisitions, hes gay as a goose, he says hes shy, and his big unrealized fantasies are taking part in a SAFE orgy and getting tied up sometime. Brent prefers TWs because boxers bunch up, and he intends to wear TWs for as long as hes thin. Brent got half a million votes, but swears he didnt cheat. Someone was stufﬁng the ballot box for me, he says. But it wasnt me!
Finally, since Brent and his boyfriend broke up, Brent needs a date for our trip to Las Vegas. That person could be YOU. No, no, no: Its not another contest. God fucking forbid. If you want to be Brents date in Vegas, all you have to do is e-mail your picture, a nice letter, and three references to firstname.lastname@example.org. Brent will look through the mail and pick someone to accompany him to Vegas. Good luck, guys. n