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Sex Etiquette

August 1, 2012

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I have a question regarding pornography usage and browser histories. As a matter of courtesy to my wife (and anyone else who may use our devices), I always clear the browser history on whatever device I may have used to view pornography. I have always assumed that she doesn't want to see "Teen Anal Adventures" or "Lifestyles of the Deep and Fisted" when she looks at the browser history. However, the other day, she noticed a blank browser history and berated me for "keeping secrets" from her regarding my masturbatory viewings. I thought I was following proper etiquette. Your thoughts?

Wondering Husband Always Clears Kache

If your wife enjoys porn, doesn't smut-shame you for enjoying porn, and wants to check out your browser history because she finds it titillating to review your recent porn picks, then stop clearing your browser history.

But if your wife hates porn and smut-shames you for watching porn, WHACK, then keep clearing your browser history. She's not angry that you're keeping secrets. She's angry that you're watching porn and she's trying to create a lose-lose scenario for you. Watch porn and don't clear your browser history? Get in trouble for watching porn. Watch porn and clear your browser history? Get in trouble for watching porn. The only way you can avoid getting in trouble? Stop watching porn. And we both know that ain't gonna happen, right?

So keep clearing your browser history, WHACK, which is the courteous thing to do. And ignore the wife when she tries to make you feel guilty about watching porn because that kind of inconsiderate, controlling, smut-shaming behavior shouldn't be tolerated. (My response presumes that your porn consumption is moderate, WHACK, and that you're not neglecting the wife's needs for emotional and sexual intimacy in favor of alone time with your laptop. If your habits are immoderate and/or you're neglecting her, then your wife has every right to be furious—at you, WHACK, not porn.)


I'm gay and so is my insanely attractive boyfriend. We have been dating for a year now. His attractiveness isn't a problem... until it is. You see, he enjoys getting compliments and he gets them frequently from other gay guys. I love my boyfriend and I am happy when he's happy, but the frequency with which guys make passes at him has started to make me uncomfortable. I told him this, and he tells me he isn't going to tell them to stop because he doesn't see what the problem is, and that it would seem standoffish to say anything negative about these passes. He tells me that it's not like he's making passes back and most of the time he insists I'm misinterpreting an innocent interaction. These guys are actively flirting with my boyfriend, and he takes it as a compliment! Am I being appropriately protective or am I being a jealous douche?

Scared And Protective

If your friends—yours and/or his—are making passes at your boyfriend, SAP, then you have a right to be angry. Good gay etiquette dictates that friends either refrain from making passes at insanely attractive guys who have boyfriends or that they make passes at the insanely attractive guy and his boyfriend. If your friends are making the passes at your boyfriend only, or they're making passes at him and/or you when they know your relationship is exclusive, then you and your boyfriend need to let your disrespectful and/or clueless friends know that they're being huge assholes.

But there's not much you can do about strangers making passes at your boyfriend, SAP, particularly if your boyfriend enjoys the attention—and it sure sounds like he does.

You've got a hot boyfriend, SAP, and that has its perks. But it has drawbacks, too. Putting up with other people innocently hitting on your boyfriend—innocent because they don't know your boyfriend is partnered, SAP, and because your boyfriend isn't exactly exuding a fuck off vibe—is the price you'll have to pay to be with this insanely attractive guy. Willing yourself to take these passes and your boyfriend's clear enjoyment of them in stride, SAP, is a wiser course than allowing something that's outside your control to become an ongoing source of conflict in your relationship.


Staying with friends of friends in their guest suite and discovered a "funnel gag" sitting on the floor next to the bed. (I took a picture and did a Google Images search!) My best guess is that it fell there after its last "use," as it was on the side of the bed nearest the wall and it could have been overlooked during "cleanup." Do I say something? What's the "etiquette" in a situation like this? What do people use these things for?!?

Guest Asks Graciously

People don't use them to "water" stubborn plants, GAG. And the proper etiquette in a situation like this is to ignore the mislaid sex toy. Leave the gag where you found it and say nothing about it to your hosts, your mutual friend, or any syndicated sex-advice columnists. Whether your hosts stumble over the gag after your visit or realize it's missing and slip into their guest suite to retrieve it during your visit, GAG, your discretion will allow your hosts to tell themselves that you didn't discover it.

I'm a senior in college and a lesbian, and I have a question about strap-on etiquette. My previous girlfriend and I bought one together, and I really enjoyed being on the receiving end of it. When we broke up, she took it since she felt like she had "bonded" with it. My current GF and I have been thinking of getting one, but I'm not sure how I feel about another joint purchase. I like her a lot, but I don't know if our relationship will last after I graduate next spring, and the prospect of having to get a new toy every time I break up with someone isn't appealing. Would it be reasonable, as a generally receptive partner, to buy a strap-on that I can bond with and ask future partners to use it? Is it selfish to be thinking of the eventual end of a relationship when shopping for toys?

Seeking Toy-Related Advice Pronto

A strap-on isn't a funnel gag, STRAP. By which I mean to say...

Even if a strap-on is a joint purchase, even if it was purchased for the pleasure of the person "on the receiving end," it's not uncommon for the wearer of a particular strap-on—the person on the giving end—to come to regard the strap-on as an extension of her body and bond with it. Such was the case with your ex. And even if your ex had allowed you to keep that strap-on, STRAP, odds are good that your new girlfriend would also have seen that old strap-on as an extension of your ex's body and insisted on it being replaced.

My advice: Go halfsies on a new strap-on—on the harness and the dildo—and one or two other sex toys of comparable value and utility. If the relationship ends, your new ex-girlfriend keeps the strap-on, you keep the funnel gag.


Programming Note: "Chick-fil-A" is an obvious synonym for "pegging." I mean, obviously, right? I shall now use Chick-fil-A in a sentence: "Her boyfriend's kinda homophobic, but I hear he loves Chick-fil-A."


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Comments (228) RSS

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1
Now if only "Chick-fil-A" catches on in this context as santorum has ...
Posted by jbjb on July 31, 2012 at 6:05 PM · Report this
2
WHACK: [I have always assumed she doesn't want to see my browser history] + [she berated me for clearing my history] = have a conversation together.

If Dan is right and she is anti-porn, then maybe she is saying that an empty browser history makes it too obvious what you were doing all afternoon. So install some private-browsing software and exit out of it when you're done with the porn. But, first, have the conversation so you stop assuming you know what she wants.
Posted by EricaP on July 31, 2012 at 6:13 PM · Report this
smajor82 3
What about "Chick-fil-Atio"? That would have to be three-some I guess ...
Posted by smajor82 on July 31, 2012 at 6:15 PM · Report this
smajor82 4
Oh,and WHACK, to echo Erica's suggestion further, you can launch a private browsing session from any browser.
Posted by smajor82 on July 31, 2012 at 6:18 PM · Report this
mr. herriman 5
I have to google funnel gag now?
Posted by mr. herriman on July 31, 2012 at 6:28 PM · Report this
6
WHACK - Google Chrome has a way to browse the internets without leaving tracks on your computer. It's called incognito - Ctrl+Shift+N.

After you talk to the wife, of course.
Posted by ElleP on July 31, 2012 at 6:29 PM · Report this
7
Whack,

It sounds like she wasn't aware of this "courtesy" you were performing for her. Missed communication.

Posted by Hunter78 on July 31, 2012 at 6:36 PM · Report this
8
***Programming Note: "Chick-fil-A" is an obvious synonym for "pegging." I mean, obviously, right? I shall now use Chick-fil-A in a sentence: "Her boyfriend's kinda homophobic, but I hear he loves Chick-fil-A."***

Dan, I love you. I. JUST. LOVE. YOU!

Is there any possibility of a website, ala SpreadingSantorum.com, where commenters could post pictures and/or stories of chicks filling A's? This is too perfect not to share with the entire universe!!!!!!!

I believe you have surpassed yourself, sir. Well done!
Posted by CA Mom on July 31, 2012 at 6:36 PM · Report this
9
You say "Good gay etiquette dictates that friends either refrain from making passes at insanely attractive guys who have boyfriends or that they make passes at the insanely attractive guy and his boyfriend." I have a boyfriend and am apparently attactive and have had drunken friends make passes at me that did not involve my boyfriend (incomplete passes, btw). I did not realize that was a breach of etiquette. I figured the sexual tension and occasional pass was just part of gay guys being friends.
Posted by WestSeven on July 31, 2012 at 6:53 PM · Report this
10
I really don't think Mrs WHACK should be insisting on seeing her husband's browser history, no matter what her attitude on porn is. That sounds really controlling and creepy to me.
Posted by Howlin' Jed on July 31, 2012 at 7:09 PM · Report this
11
Clearing the ENTIRE browser history is a great way of sowing distrust in a relationship. It's sketchy, and more importantly, it's rude. It's the virtual equivalent of scrambling to hide something every single time someone else enters the room, or singing "I have a secret, and I'm not gonna tell you!" Everyone is entitled to privacy, but it becomes rude when the very act of keeping something secret becomes an exercise in ostentation.

WHACK, you need to download Chrome or Firefox and use the "private browsing" mode, ASAP, please.
Posted by abbw12 on July 31, 2012 at 7:15 PM · Report this
12
I don't understand why people share computers. She should have her own, and then she wouldn't be checking out his browser history.
Posted by abrock_ca on July 31, 2012 at 8:12 PM · Report this
nocutename 13
@12: The kind of controlling, anti-porn, (probably) "masturbation=cheating" person whose portrait was drawn by WHACK's letter would undoubtedly at least try to check the history on his own personal, separate computer.
Posted by nocutename on July 31, 2012 at 8:35 PM · Report this
nocutename 14
@11: You make a good point. WHACK's wife might be wondering what he is looking at that could be so disturbing he needs to erase the evidence.
Posted by nocutename on July 31, 2012 at 8:43 PM · Report this
15
What's becoming of Dan? There was a time he would have demanded a photo of SAP's insanely attractive boyfriend.
Posted by Crinoline on July 31, 2012 at 8:59 PM · Report this
16
@ amajor82, Chick-fil-Atio is obviously the dude fellating the chick's strapon.
Posted by tantdetentation on July 31, 2012 at 9:23 PM · Report this
17
@ smajor82, Chick-fil-Atio is obviously fellatio performed by the fellow on the girl's strapon.
Posted by tantdetentation on July 31, 2012 at 9:26 PM · Report this
18
WHACK - every modern internet browser now has an "incognito" (Chrome), "private browsing" (firefox) or "InPrivate" (internet explorer) modes. These modes temporarily do not keep history, and are perfect for your porn viewing (or researching birthday gift ideas which is how they are marketed). Learn to use them and your wife will never have to be concerned because the rest of your history will stay the same.
Posted by deanCommie on July 31, 2012 at 9:33 PM · Report this
19
WHACK - every modern internet browser now has an "Incognito" (Chrome), "Private Browsing" (firefox) or "InPrivate" (internet explorer) modes. These modes temporarily do not keep history, and are perfect for your porn viewing or researching birthday gift ideas (which is how they are marketed). Learn to use them and your wife will never have to be concerned because the rest of your history will stay the same.
Posted by deanCommie on July 31, 2012 at 9:34 PM · Report this
20
WHACK -- Google Chrome has really easy privacy browsing-- Ctrl Shift N

SAP -- If I understand correctly, it's not the attention your bf is receiving that bothers you, but the way he responds. He should be aware and respectful of your feelings, but still able to enjoy the attention-- appreciate the sentiment, and acknowledge that he is off the market. My stand-by response whenever I get a comment about how pretty I am or whatever is generally along the lines of "Thank you. My boyfriend is a lucky guy ;)".
As for people who know about the status of your exclusive relationship, shame on them, and possibly keep your eyes open.
Posted by omgtoast217 on July 31, 2012 at 9:40 PM · Report this
21
i'm all for chicks fil-ing a(holes) -- yea!

'your chick is hot, but does your chick fill A?' -- i love it

also by the way, if i'm into a dude, i think it's super-hot for him to reveal what porn he watches to get off.

actually even if i weren't that into a dude, i still might find this hot.
Posted by dicksy chick on July 31, 2012 at 9:47 PM · Report this
yookah 22
WHACK - google chrome has an excellent incognito funtion. look into it.
Posted by yookah on July 31, 2012 at 9:57 PM · Report this
23
i'm all for chicks fil-ing a(holes) -- yea!

'your chick is hot, but does your chick fill A?'

i love it -- go dicksy chicks!

also by the way, if i'm into a dude, i think it's super-hot for him to reveal what porn he watches to get off.

actually even if i weren't that into a dude, i still might find this hot.
Posted by tenderhook on July 31, 2012 at 10:03 PM · Report this
24
WHACK -- Google Chrome, all the way. Ctrl Shift N.

SAP -- If I understand correctly, it's not the flirty comments that bother you so much as the way your bf responds. He should be allowed to enjoy the attention, but still make it clear he is taken. You’re not asking him to hide under a paper bag or to be rude whenever someone pays him a well-intentioned, well-deserved compliment on his appearance—just that he lets them know without a doubt that he is off the market so that they don’t get the wrong idea, and to stop them if they take things too far.

My general stand-by response is along the lines of "Thank you, my boyfriend is a really lucky guy ;)"

As for anybody who still insists on actively flirting with him-- that is to say, expecting flirting to lead somewhere in spite of you-- those are the ones you need to keep an eye on.
Posted by omgtoast217 on July 31, 2012 at 10:04 PM · Report this
25
i'm all for chicks fil-ing a(holes) -- yea!

'your chick is hot, but does your chick fill A?'

i love it -- go dicksy chicks!

also by the way, if i'm into a dude, i think it's super-hot if he reveals what porn he watches to get off.

actually even if i weren't that into a dude, i still might find this hot.
Posted by tenderhook on July 31, 2012 at 10:17 PM · Report this
26
Private browsing might be a good solution, but what on earth are you and your wife doing checking each other's browser history? Get separate computers, and leave each other's computers alone. I would feel really violated if my husband went rummaging through my browser history, and my posting here is about as embarrassing at it gets.
Posted by mother of two on July 31, 2012 at 10:17 PM · Report this
27
WHACK is right. If other people use the computer, besides himself and his wife, they don't need to see his porn habits. I really don't see what the big deal is about the browser history, why that is even an issue. Why does his wife care what he looks at on the internet? People must have awfully boring lives if they have nothing better to do than check their browser history. WHACK needs to take the advise of previous commenters regarding private browsing, or set up his own password protected account on the computer. Then he needs to inform his wife that marriage doesn't invalidate your right to privacy.
Posted by tachycardia on July 31, 2012 at 10:20 PM · Report this
28
Ms Crinoline - I think all the letters about birth control have dulled the Savage edge. If I were more awake than I am, now that it is officially August here, I'd say something witty in that line, but you'll have to make do with imagining something witty and pretending I said it.

Mr Toast - That's actually quite clever of you to use such an LMB line to deflect attention to which you aren't free to respond and turn it to nausea. Quite a good analysis - Adonis would rather have an uncomfortable boyfriend than appear standoffish, which was not high on the calendar of Deadly Sins the last time I wrote a novel about them.

Personally I'm not sure whether SAP is more jealous or envious. Maybe it will come to me in my sleep.

Dormez bien.
Posted by vennominon on July 31, 2012 at 10:31 PM · Report this
Griffin 29
I figured Dan had read Houseplants of Gore somewhere along the line. Glad to know I was right.
Posted by Griffin on July 31, 2012 at 10:45 PM · Report this
30
CA Mom beat me to it, Dan----WELL DONE on Chick-fil-A!!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on July 31, 2012 at 11:06 PM · Report this
31
@3: LOL!!! Chick-fil-Atio!!! I LOVE it!!
I think you've got a winner (or is that weiner?)!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on July 31, 2012 at 11:39 PM · Report this
32
WHACK should have his own password protected account on the computer. This will allow him to not only keep his browser history private, but he can bookmark his favorite sites and keep that private too.
Posted by juan mas on July 31, 2012 at 11:50 PM · Report this
growler 33
Holy shit, it's amazing how many people don't bother to look at even a couple comments before posting their advice about GOOGLE CHROME. HEY GOOGLE CHROME!!!! HEY YOU KNOW GOOGLE CHROME CAN DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO WITHOUT YO BITCH FINDIN OUT!!!!!!

Got it.
Posted by growler on August 1, 2012 at 12:14 AM · Report this
Sandiai 34
Oh Please set up a "Chick fil A" = "pegging" site so I can Google-away on the link like I'm rubbing a button. Or something.

Which reminds me, we have a little protest tomorrow (counter-protest actually) in Arlington at our only Chick-fil-A. Should be a hoot. Word has it that the "anti-" Chick-fil-A protesters will outnumber the bigoted chicken supporters 10 to 1. I'm so proud of my fellow Northern Virginians (not so much the yokels in the Southwest part of the commonwealth, however). Thanks again, One Million Moms, for the info!

As far as the browser guy: he could try not erasing sessions that were on the milder or romantic side, and reliably erasing the somewhat sicker (not judging) stuff. Then, see what she likes. And talk to her about what is bothering her exactly. I don't like that she "berated" you for something that gets you off, without just teasing you about your sexy strangeness, or expressing curiosity.

Funnel-gag people should have shoved the gag into the back of a closet or cabinet, so that the owners would think it was lost for a while, and (whew!) our guests never stumbled upon it. People never remember where they put their funnel-gags, anyway, amiright?
Posted by Sandiai on August 1, 2012 at 12:28 AM · Report this
35
BTW, have you heard about Google Chrome, they do this private history thing.
Posted by Azy on August 1, 2012 at 1:18 AM · Report this
sissoucat 36
@12, 26 I understand why people may share the same computer. It's called money.

They can still set separate accounts on the same computer, though. With passwords.

Deleting the entire browser history seems a bit too much - if both share the same account, the wife may want to use the browser history to check links she has previously visited and may be pissed off to see that everything she counts on periodically disappears.
Posted by sissoucat on August 1, 2012 at 2:26 AM · Report this
sissoucat 37
Chick-fil-A(ss hole) and Chick-fil-Atio are brilliant.
Posted by sissoucat on August 1, 2012 at 2:28 AM · Report this
38
I like that GAG used Google reverse-image search to determine what a funnel gag was.

I just Googled what a funnel gag was myself. On Google chrome. Which, just for your interest #33, has a great Google Incognito browsing function.
Posted by 5ht on August 1, 2012 at 2:58 AM · Report this
shurenka 39
After reading about the funnel gag I was really sad that the little cartoon for this week didn't incorporate it. Aw, shucks.
Posted by shurenka on August 1, 2012 at 4:09 AM · Report this
40
I don't live in the US... and I saw a article title that mentioned that Chick-fil-A wasn't going to open in Boston. I figured that it was a rapper. Come on - there must be a rapper that has taken that moniker.

And in the merging of two of the letters, I now have to wipe my cache as I had to search for funnel gag. Jesus Christ- the things Dan's column makes me search!
Posted by Vivic on August 1, 2012 at 4:15 AM · Report this
41
WHACK if you're on an apple product, in safari you can set your browser history to PRIVATE BROWSING. It does not record your sites or cookies that way and leaves the rest of the history in tact. Turn it on before looking at the porn sites, then turn it off after.

Problem solved!!

Or divorce her. Your choice. This way might be cheaper and less hassle.
Posted by Digitalphotoguy on August 1, 2012 at 4:43 AM · Report this
42
The "funnel gag" was in the guest suite, right? Could be it was left by a previous guest, and the host is going to assume that it was GAG's!
Posted by fubar on August 1, 2012 at 5:25 AM · Report this
AFinch 43
I'm with @10 - this wife sounds creepy and controlling - nosey. Yes, the complete clearing is kind of indiscreet just as leaving the history is, and like everyone else has said: private browsing is the answer. Still, I've had nosey girlfriends and every time it's been controlling behavior driven by insecurity. I've also had non-nosey ones...they just out and ask what I am reading or looking at, mainly because they might agree it's hot. Yes, they should have their own computers (if they can afford it), but expecting that neither will ever touch the other's computer is a bad idea.
Posted by AFinch on August 1, 2012 at 5:39 AM · Report this
44
Following on 11's point, what if WHACK's wife suspects the browser history keeps disappearing because of an online affair? As Dan hints, a history of WHACK's suggesting she do something by herself, he's just going to, umm, look at some work stuff on the internet--basic 'the computer is more interesting and attractive than you' stuff--could raise her suspicions and get her checking browser history, only to find he doesn't want her to see it.

And I agree with Sissou about the shocking thought that some people can't afford multiple computers, or have a home desktop and work laptops and don't want to get multiple home computers.

Online privacy in a relationship is a balancing act, both on what to give and what to expect: the person who hides the screen when their partner sits down next to them because they're flirting with an old flame should cut out the flirting, not whine about the sacrosanct nature of their FB chats.

Finally, am I the only person to see certain adjective-noun combinations in Savage Love and conclude, "Well, no way am I googling that"?
Posted by IPJ on August 1, 2012 at 5:51 AM · Report this
45
So, I think this is a case-by-case issue, and what needs to happen before any conclusions are drawn is to have a conversation. All the people being super-judgey about the wife -- you don't know what's going on in her head.

My husband and I are both turned on by knowing what the other was looking at, and neither of us has ever been creeped out by the other taking a quick peek at the spank-memory-bank. In fact, it's quite fun. I did it just last night, and we had very hot sex afterwards. I would be weirded out if he cleared the entire history for no reason, because that would imply something other than porn-looking. We share a computer, and it's just not a problem. Because we, you know, are open and communicative.

When we know strangers will be visiting/in proximity to our computer, we clear the cache and use private browsing until they're gone.
Posted by what's the big deal? on August 1, 2012 at 6:35 AM · Report this
crivins 46
Okay, it's sad that I knew what a funnel gag was, but had no idea you could browse in private. I agree - she may not be pissed about your probable porn viewing, but because all of her auto-complete links are disappearing. I know that would burn my ass, given how pathetically I rely on it every time I launch my browser (not to mention my complete failure to remember anyone's email address beyond the first two letters). Private browsing and a conversation about what she's actually angry at you for are musts.
Posted by crivins on August 1, 2012 at 6:55 AM · Report this
AFinch 47
@45 - you are right, we don't know what's going on in her head and we don't know that his version of it is correct. However, the implication of the fact that he clears porn surfing history at all is that she is not, like you appear to be, a porn fan.

@44 - The funnel gag isn't so suggestive or wild by itself, only when in use I think. Truly the advice on that one is unarguable: you must simply block it out and pretend you've never seen it. Really, easier for you and for them, all around...unless of course, it kind of gives you a Chick-fil-A tingle and you want to feel them out about playing together!
Posted by AFinch on August 1, 2012 at 6:59 AM · Report this
mydriasis 48
sissou

"@12, 26 I understand why people may share the same computer. It's called money."

THANK YOU.
Posted by mydriasis on August 1, 2012 at 7:15 AM · Report this
49
Download a browser she won't use. Use that for porn.

Tor bundle works great insofar as if you don't deliberately point it out and she's not a nerd she probably won't even realize there's a browser to be found in there.
Posted by sd111111111111 on August 1, 2012 at 7:17 AM · Report this
50
how about the STRAP buy her own harness for a strap on, and the new partner buy her own dildo? that way the new partner can take the dildo with her if they break up and STRAP has the harness. It doesn't seem weird using the same harness with other partners.
Posted by Renah http://awkwardsoul.wordpress.com/ on August 1, 2012 at 7:26 AM · Report this
51
WHACK -- get tricky and browse all the soft, vanilla, or slightly-scandalous stuff all you want. Leave the private/incognito setting for the freaky shit. It'll give her just enough to satisfy her suspension of disbelief that you're not looking and porny-porn, just some harmless NSFW fun. Meet her half-way.
Posted by AC on August 1, 2012 at 7:38 AM · Report this
52
So, yeah, communication = good. The wife obviously wants to talk, lets hope it isn't some shaming trap. I also really hope she doesn't think she owns his thoughts. Let the man be private as he wants on the computer.

Because, really, are we all supposed to dance around naked for google and microsoft? Broadcast our browser history as some sort of proud personal statement of identity? Submit to even more directed ads, and stupid attacks because most people can't even set their privacy settings? (I thought people were getting over the 'this is what i had for breakfast' twitter stage.) Good gods, let introverts be introverts, even on their computers, please. Granted, this man is 'caught' because he changed his normal laissez-faire browser history routine, so his situation is a little different.

The other duck in my family is a scary(skilled) computer guy - so I know nothing is truly private. I do like to make the people writing the software work a little harder.

Posted by UrbanDuck on August 1, 2012 at 7:44 AM · Report this
53
WHACK: Ctrl+Shift+N
Posted by ScoutX on August 1, 2012 at 7:45 AM · Report this
gttim 54
Kick the funnel gag under the bed and forget about it.
Posted by gttim on August 1, 2012 at 8:16 AM · Report this
55
We want pictures of SAP's boyfriend, just to confirm how much he has too endure poor guy.
Posted by marcosrossi on August 1, 2012 at 8:18 AM · Report this
56
Ctrl-H pulls up your Browser History so that you can delete the porn history(one-by-one) yet leave the rest. No suspicious Blank History, no Porn trail.
Posted by Drakhaun on August 1, 2012 at 8:23 AM · Report this
57
Mr. Savage with a fine collection of letters today.

Okay, I had to google "funnel gag". Okay, now I know what it is. Mark that one down as "Hey, whatever consenting adults want to do in the privacy of their own bedroom. No sweat!"

Regarding Whack, man are you treading in dangerous territory. The most honest response to wife is easy: "What do you want to know about my browsing history? I will tell you. I cleared the history because I am unsure who else will use it, and I would not want to put anyone outside our marriage in an awkward position."

But does she really want honesty? Seriously? Because even if you remind her that you are not to blame if she wants to "unhear" your answer, she may still blame you. For example, if she is 38 and not in the best of shape, she may be more horrified to find out you like porn involving 20 year old hard bodies than anything else. Dangerous territory.

Scared and Protective: dude, pull it together and then smirk and enjoy. You are living the dream, and those other guys can only look on wistfully. Smirk and enjoy.

Lastly, "I'm a senior in college and a lesbian, and I have a question...."

Was I the only one thinking she was about to ask about these sudden, odd feelings that she wanted to start dating a nice-looking guy going to med school and buy a house in the suburbs? (Running from room, ducking bricks from humor-impaired types.)
Posted by Snowguy on August 1, 2012 at 8:28 AM · Report this
58
Having an insanely goodlooking boyfriend is no fun. I've had several.

One was an alcoholic, who would get drunk and accuse me of infidelity. Meanwhile, everytime we went to a bar, there was always a line of guys waiting to meet him and cop a feel while I wasn't looking. Fortunately for me, I sobered up myself 20 years ago, and those type of relationships are a thing of the past.
Posted by Gay Movie Fan on August 1, 2012 at 8:30 AM · Report this
mydriasis 59
@ 51/AC

Will that work? Probably fairly well.

But FFS, do you really want to be in a relationship where you have to deceive your partner in such an elaborate and deliberate way. That's not just a lie of omission that's a deliberate curation of your browser history to mislead her into thinking there's NO omission when there is. Seems pretty manipulative to me.

Look, like most girls I've used my boyfriend's computer to browse the internet (with his permission, obviously) and like most girls I've seen some interesting autocompletes when typing in websites. Some of them were not just "harmless NSFW fun" ala Maxim or Hustler or whatever. But dude, lots of guys are at least CURIOUS about weird and kinky/fetish porn. Nothing to freak out about. I get that I'm a younger generation and we tend to be less scanadalized by this stuff but the more mature ladies on these message boards are a testiment to the fact that being understanding and sex positive is not relegated to my side of the generation gap.
Posted by mydriasis on August 1, 2012 at 8:36 AM · Report this
60
IPJ@44 "Online privacy in a relationship is a balancing act"

Yep.
Posted by EricaP on August 1, 2012 at 8:41 AM · Report this
61
If you can't afford two computers, two accounts on the same computer work just as well. There's a reason why computers come with account passwords now.
Posted by stomith on August 1, 2012 at 8:48 AM · Report this
62
If you can't afford two computers, then just make two accounts on the same computer. There's a reason why computers nowadays can have multiple accounts with their own passwords.

Not that I'd know. Ahem.
Posted by stomith on August 1, 2012 at 8:50 AM · Report this
63
WHACK needs to use a modern browser with a private viewing mode
http://www.sampletheweb.com/2008/09/02/g…
Posted by knickknack on August 1, 2012 at 8:51 AM · Report this
64
To kill two birds with one comment, this is to WHACK and SAP:

Trying to control another person's behavior for whatever personal/OCD need is just weird and futile.

I've been with my husband for 19 years. We have some ground rules that we worked out and we understand that being jealous and work oneself into a frenzy over what the other person MIGHT be doing is just stupid and a waste of energy.

If your partner wants to do something without your knowledge/presence, he or she will find a way to do so. Just get it through your head that there AIN'T A DAMNED THING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

If that is something that bothers you to no end, keeps you from sleeping, eating, working and just being a normal human being in general, the only option you have is to be in charge of YOUR OWN behaviour and find options with which you'd be more comfortable. One of those options might be to find someone who is more compatible/shares that OCD need for control you have.

Good luck and happy trails.
Posted by shoqfullonuts on August 1, 2012 at 9:00 AM · Report this
65
I was in a situation like SAP's although I was the hot boyfriend. When my boyfriend and I would go out, I thought it was strange that he seemed to really like the attention that was paid to me because I was so used to guys I dated getting jealous, paranoid, or resentful. Guys were always approaching me, buying me drinks, and making endless suggestions. My bf would go to the bathroom or something and sometimes the aggressiveness of the flirting would really escalate and intensify after which I would tell him, "Your coworker asked if he could kiss my labret to see what it feels like," or "Look - that DJ gave me his number," or sometimes, "That guy wants to go home with us." He thought it was hot. (My boyfriend was no slouch but there's just always been something about me that intrigued guys and made them fall all over themselves - or on top of me.)

But the thing is, we talked all of the time. I told him about the people who pursued me and sometimes we'd incorporate a little of that when we'd fuck later on. Because we were both so open and honest with each other, he didn't feel threatened which I think is the most important aspect to think about.

As well, we always talked about how although monogamy was important to both of us, as guys we recognized that we'd need to reevaluate this occasionally and discuss if we ever wanted to open it up and include some of these admirers.

That was about 15-20 years ago now. The bf and I are now spouses who still haven't opened up our relationship to include anybody else. Who knows - it may happen in the future, but it's not something that's important to either of us because we both really enjoy how our monogamous relationship has worked out. I'm not insanely hot anymore and don't have the built, young body that drove people crazy. I still get attention from time to time but I no longer feel like Jodi Foster in The Accused when I walk into a bar.

The bottom line is, if you can trust your insanely hot boyfriend and if you guys can maintain your connection and open communication with one another, you'll have lots of cool stories to think about in the future while you're blowing or plowing each other. And if you guys do break up, you can probably still use his hotness to score dates with guys who will think you must have had something pretty special to offer a guy who could pick most any guy out of a crowd to do him.
More...
Posted by Marco Macro on August 1, 2012 at 9:12 AM · Report this
66
A much better solution to the porn browser history is just to put your browser into "Incognito Mode" (Google Chrome), or "Private Browsing" (Safari). when you are going to a porn site. That way it doesn't add those sites to your browsing history, therefore you don't need to clear that history.
Posted by Guy Incognito on August 1, 2012 at 9:25 AM · Report this
67
Come on. Who--especially someone familiar with Google Image searches--decides that the best way to learn what people use funnel gags for is to write to Dan? And was there ever anyone really confused about how to act when you inadvertently witness something that's private, none of your business, and impacts no one?

Dan, if you're gonna print fake letters, please fake them better.
Posted by BostonMac on August 1, 2012 at 9:32 AM · Report this
68
Come on. Who--especially someone familiar with Google Image searches--decides that the best way to learn what people use funnel gags for is to write to Dan? And was there ever anyone really confused about how to act when you inadvertently witness something that's private, none of your business, and impacts no one?

Dan, if you're gonna print fake letters, please fake them better.
Posted by BostonMac on August 1, 2012 at 9:36 AM · Report this
69
Extreme Restraints is out of stock on funnel gags as I write this. Coincidence?
Posted by allfullup on August 1, 2012 at 9:36 AM · Report this
70
Isn't a funnel gag, er, a bit large to casually overlook? According to Google images, I mean.
Posted by Pinkerton on August 1, 2012 at 9:41 AM · Report this
71
Install Google Chrome as your browser. They have an extremely convenient incognito mode, where you can open an additional browser window, and the data is not saved, at all.

So you keep Facebook, The Stranger and YouTube on the normal browser, and cumswallowingjizzwhores on the incognito browser. Voila!
Posted by Wildcat957 on August 1, 2012 at 9:47 AM · Report this
72
Install Google Chrome as your browser. They have an extremely convenient incognito mode, where you can open an additional browser window, and the data is not saved, at all.

So you keep Facebook, The Stranger and YouTube on the normal browser, and cumswallowingjizzwhores on the incognito browser. Voila!
Posted by Wildcat957 on August 1, 2012 at 9:48 AM · Report this
73
I once stayed in a large, expensive home with a giant cross on the bedside table. I put it in the closet while I was there.
Posted by marilynsue on August 1, 2012 at 10:05 AM · Report this
74
#13 - that's what passwords are for! she can't snoop if she can't log in.

And no, people should not share their passwords with their partners - no reason for it.
Posted by abrock_ca on August 1, 2012 at 10:13 AM · Report this
75
I don't know if you want to add Chick-fil-A to your roster of re-purposed names. If you over-use this very effective shaming tool, it will lose its impact.

Besides, they've already done massive damage to their brand, I don't think they need your help. Everyone is already thinking of gay sex when they think of Chick-fil-A now, picturing man-on-man rim jobs when they order fried chicken.

Going to that from a vague image of being able to attend church instead of hocking fast food, you can scarcely hurt them more.

Posted by CBBaltimore on August 1, 2012 at 10:27 AM · Report this
76
Also, FINE you win, I can't resist learning what that is. But if my wife sees "funnel gag" in my search bar history... well I sure hope it's fun, cause she's always bemoaning the lack of sex toys for men.
Posted by CBBaltimore on August 1, 2012 at 10:33 AM · Report this
debug 77

and the prospect of having to get a new toy every time I break up with someone isn't appealing.


Seems obvious, every woman should have her own toys. When you date a new partner you can offer up your equipment. Make sure it's high quality so it can be sterilized but don't be surprised if a new partner is grossed out by the thought of being penetrated by a multiple-partner toy.

In that case she can hand you her preferred dildo or buy one that will fit your harness. I'm sure bonding with her is more important and exciting than any particular piece of plastic.

----

Oh, yeah, all modern operating systems allow for multiple user logins and all modern browsers have a private mode.

I know this has been said many times on this thread but Dan needs to learn it that so he can start giving out post-2005 advice on sharing computers.

Pro-tip for guys with insecure wives (thankfully not me). She knows you view it so you might as well browse around a few soft-core sites to leave the expected history. Then enable private mode and crank out to the freaky stuff.
Posted by debug on August 1, 2012 at 10:40 AM · Report this
78
Everyone who says that he should browse on a separate computer or immediately start using incognito mode or whatever to preserve his privacy from her: I think you guys are silly. The way he phrased it ("etiquette") makes me think that he may have never ASKED her if she would rather he cleared his browser history than see the porn that would be in it otherwise. I think he might've just assumed that she didn't want to see porn in his history without ever bothering to ask her.

If she would rather be able to see his porn sites, then he should stop clearing the history. If she doesn't want to see his porn sites, then he should browse incognito so all her autocompletes don't disappear. Clearing the history is a pretty clumsy way to hide porn usage now, though.
Posted by alguna_rubia on August 1, 2012 at 10:44 AM · Report this
79
Lame, Dan. Just tell us what a funnel gag is and describe it in all its dirty details. That's what I come to this column for! Now I have to go to Google for my sex filth.
Posted by silent on August 1, 2012 at 10:46 AM · Report this
mwdean 80
#67: A little reading comprehension might help you. The letter in question wasn't about what the funnel gag is for, it was about etiquette regarding finding sex toys laying around in somebody's house when you're a guest.
Posted by mwdean on August 1, 2012 at 10:55 AM · Report this
muzyqman 81
The second I read that "'Chick-fil-A" is an obvious synonym for "pegging'," I thought to myself, "that IS obvious." It was one of those forehead-slapping, eye-opening instances that brought clarity to something going on the world around me. Thanks for that.
Posted by muzyqman on August 1, 2012 at 10:57 AM · Report this
82
Browsing history, as well as cookies and temp files should all be cleared about once a week anyway (assuming a computer is used on a daily basis), there is nothing suspicious about that or at least there wouldn't be if that had been his habit all along. Might be helpful to remember for those not yet in or still at the beginning of serious relationships. Clean that computer up frequently from day 1 and it won't seem sneaky later.
Posted by unicornnerd on August 1, 2012 at 11:03 AM · Report this
83
Multiple user log-ins is one of those great ideas that might work for, say, a shared office computer, but doesn't relate to the casual way regular people use them. If your mom is over and says she wants to check the weather before she drives home, you don't give a martyred sigh and explain that you suppose she can do that if she waits while you set up a separate account with log-in and password for her. Thus the wisdom of private browsing *even on your allegedly personal, unshared, nonwork computer.* Because odds are, someone at some point will want to quickly look something up on the internet--whether your spouse, work colleague or boss, or houseguest--and tossing a hissy fit about them seeing your browser history is just going to make you look weird.
Posted by IPJ on August 1, 2012 at 11:17 AM · Report this
Corylea 84
On Firefox, type Control-Shift-P to enter private browsing mode.
Posted by Corylea http://corylea.com/ on August 1, 2012 at 11:21 AM · Report this
AFinch 85
Turning on the 'oversharing' light...I was going to pretend I have no advice for STRAP, but, having had Chick-fil-A, I actually have something to contribute here, and all I can say is, I'll be darned if I have figured out a way that any toy like that doesn't become too personal and too specific to the relationship to ever make a repeat appearance with a new partner.

I know you're a broke college student and all, but you might just have to suck it up and get a new toy. One can cover both ends with condoms to provide some protection against the squick of personal cooties, but it's tough to persuade folks of that. Since STRAP prefers to be the 'recipient' maybe her GF should buy her own harness and take it with her...it's more like an article of clothing than a joint toy.

Going dutch is the right way to balance the burden of the costs.
Posted by AFinch on August 1, 2012 at 11:32 AM · Report this
John Horstman 86
I'd like, once again, to suggest separate user accounts for shared computers. We use the machines for so much these days that they're functionally external extensions of our brains for many people. We don't share every thought that passes through our heads with others, and we shouldn't be sharing everything we do with a computer.

Also, I concur with the suggestion to use a private browsing session for porn viewing; this is actually a good idea irrespective of whether one is sharing a computer/user account or not, as it can cut down on tracking cookies and other malicious deliverables from the web.
Posted by John Horstman on August 1, 2012 at 11:55 AM · Report this
John Horstman 87
@78: I don't think he's under any obligation to share his browser history at all any more than he's under an obligation to share e.g. the daydream fantasy he had about fucking the cheerleader at the college football game he watched. He certainly can choose to share, if she wants him to, but private browsing mode solves everyone's problems (which is what is was made for).
Posted by John Horstman on August 1, 2012 at 12:00 PM · Report this
88
WHACK - I agree with all of the other commenters who are suggesting Google Chrome. Incognito mode is a fantastic feature. My husband and I watch porn together, so it's not a matter of clearing my history for his sake, but of making sure porn sites don't pop up in the address bar when I'm using the computer when someone else is around. (For example, if my parents come to visit and I want to show them something on the computer.)

When I used Firefox, I just used bookmarks and didn't keep a history. That was a few years ago, though, so I'm sure Firefox has some similar feature now.
Posted by Jupiter on August 1, 2012 at 12:09 PM · Report this
89
Just on SAP, a distinction definitely needs to be made on whether the bf is actively giving off a 'come hit on me and make my bf jealous' vibe, or not. It's extraordinarily easy to give off subtle, but unmistakeable signals to other guys when you're with someone that you'd appreciate their advances, and if the bf is deliberately do this, then he is more than simply the 'victim' of his good looks. If, on the other hands, he is not actively encouraging this behavior (subtly or otherwise), then then SAP needs to take it in stride. I'm willing to bet though that the bf is in fact inviting this attention through more than just his good looks..
Posted by freshnycman on August 1, 2012 at 12:19 PM · Report this
90
IPJ@83: that's what guest accounts are for.
Posted by Eirene on August 1, 2012 at 12:22 PM · Report this
91
@80, read the question again. Specifically the last sentence.

Also, for WHACK, I've come to understand that there is some way to browse on the World Wide Web without leaving a history. Is there anyone who can name one or more of the browsers that can do that?
Posted by Howlin' Jed on August 1, 2012 at 12:38 PM · Report this
smajor82 92
Has anyone told WHACK about private browsing options yet?
Posted by smajor82 on August 1, 2012 at 12:39 PM · Report this
smajor82 93
@78 I don't know how your relationships work, but I don't ask my partners if it's OK for me to have privacy. As others have said, I don't make a big show of being private, because that's rude (and usually passive aggressive), but only a control freak would demand that someone get pre-approval for privacy: "honey, I want to have a private phone call with a friend- can I step outside or would you prefer that I talk in the living room where you can hear me?"

Posted by smajor82 on August 1, 2012 at 12:44 PM · Report this
mwdean 94
@91, yeah, but that's not what the letter was about. I think #67 was out of line calling it a fake letter.
Posted by mwdean on August 1, 2012 at 12:54 PM · Report this
95
CA mum took what I wanted to say and then said it better. :-)
Posted by Novia on August 1, 2012 at 1:30 PM · Report this
96
For those who suggest two accounts on one computer so that WHACK can keep the porn history to himself - note that someone in these instances has to be the administrator. If it's the wife he is still screwed because the administrator can access all accounts.
Posted by mjesf on August 1, 2012 at 2:38 PM · Report this
97
The thing I'd be worried about with Dan's advice is if the funnel gag was left by the last guests and the hosts find it after I left and assume it was mine. Instead, I would stick it under the bed and on my way out the door, tell the host that the last guests left something under the bed.
Posted by california reader on August 1, 2012 at 2:48 PM · Report this
98
@WHACK, As a few other have mentioned all modern browsers have a 'privacy' mode (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Privacy_mod…), including Explorer 8 and above, Chrome, Safari and Firefox. If you don't have one of those it's free to upgrade to whichever one works for your computer (unless your computer or OS is particularly old and can't support it). You can always do it under the guise of "Honey, I'm upgrading the computer to the newest, fastest, etc." Presumably privacy mode was invented by those lovely but perverted nerds who write software and jack off all day for just this eventuality (wives being nosey). I oughta know, I was one of them! ;-) Go pervy nerds!

The bigger issue is, I don't think anyone should EVER check another's browser history (unless invited to or unless dealing with some technical issue that requires it and is mucking up the enjoyment of the computer for all other users), at least in a domestic setting. Businesses, schools, libraries and the like already have the legal right to and they do in most instances (so don't try this at work folks!).

@SAP - Your boyfriend is an attention whore (like me). I know this because I'm one of those hot guys that loves to be given compliments. However, he's hurting you (sorry about that). He should definitely be giving the polite but firm, I'm with someone vibe/speech/whatever. If he's not then he's probably not monogamous (like me) and needs to be up front about that with you (like I am) and give the polite but firm we come as a package deal vibe/speech/whatever and introduce you to his new 'friend'.
Posted by LAN8 on August 1, 2012 at 3:51 PM · Report this
99
Dan gives 3 possibilities for what might be the case with WHACK's wife:

1. She finds knowing about WHACK's porn hot (in which case he should stop clearing the history).

2. She finds knowing that WHACK enjoys porn horrible (in which case he should continue clearing the history).

3. She's feeling neglected emotionally and sexually because WHACK would rather spend time with his porn than with her (in which case WHACK should pay attention to his wife and their relationship).

I'm interested in how many of the commenters are answering with the assumption that the problem is #2 rather than #1 or #3. I think #1 is unlikely or WHACK would know it by now. And honestly, I do think #2 is the probable culprit, but I like to think it could be #3. I'm a sappy romantic with a good dose of optimism thrown in, and I think #3 shows the best hope for a good relationship in the future. I mean, they'd have to argue it out, but then things could get better.
Posted by Crinoline on August 1, 2012 at 4:20 PM · Report this
100
What exactly constitutes "making a pass?" This one's always been kind of fuzzy to me. I assumed some physical contact was involved. Definition?
Posted by portland scribe on August 1, 2012 at 4:38 PM · Report this
101
A note to WHACK- I avoid the "to clear or not to clear" conundrum in two ways- 1) try to remember to turn on private browsing, leaving non-porn history in tact (just remember to turn it off when you're done or else that big bold "PRIVATE" flag next to the web address will be a dead give away), 2) if I forget to enable private browsing, I clear the history and then quickly cycle through all the favorites on my bookmarks bar, clicking on various articles and links within each to fill up my history to the point that you would have to scroll down through pages of normal activity to find where the history stops. Anyone going to that much trouble is looking to bust me and I am ready for that chat because there is a far deeper issue than my porn consumption. Hope that helps.

-chick who doesn't think it's anyone's business what she rubs it out to.
Posted by cwdtiabwsriot on August 1, 2012 at 5:16 PM · Report this
102
Re: WHACK, All the people who seem to be assuming the wife noticed the empty history because she was snooping are jumping to quite the conclusion. As stated by a few previous commenters, she might simply have been looking for a link she herself had visited (I've done that myself), or was wondering why autofill wasn't working for her on links she has visited. I would be more exasperated at the clunkiness of my partner erasing the whole browser history. I've shared a computer with a partner with no seperate passwords, and it wasn't a problem, cause we weren't hiding anything from each other. I would imagine most wives know their husbands are gonna be checking out some porn, and most husbands would know their wives know that, so to erase everything might point more to affair stuff, when only intended to be a sign or consideration. Not thinking through how the actions might be construed before taking them? As stated by many, he could do a private browsing session (thanks for that tip!) or, in many if not all browsers these days, you can select which sections of the history to erase, leaving the rest behind. It definitely looks less suspect.
Posted by savage-bot on August 1, 2012 at 5:42 PM · Report this
103
Who's editing this column? Do we have to see umpteen references to private histories or alt log-ins? Whack's not talking about some girlfriend he spends a few evenings a week with. He's talking about his wife. He never made it clear to her that he was wiping his history, or why.

He didn't take leadership, when leadership was needed.

Posted by Hunter78 on August 1, 2012 at 6:09 PM · Report this
104
Boy, that's pretty degrading to pegging, Dan. Do we have to be reminded of those sanctimonious smug asshats every time I give it to my husband?
Posted by hurrdahurr on August 1, 2012 at 6:24 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 105
In 2012 there is no reason to have to clear your browser history every time you watch porn. Chrome, Firefox, and Safari all have private browsing settings that basically amount to porn mode. If you're still using Internet Explorer, then for god's sake, stop.
Posted by Sea Otter on August 1, 2012 at 6:36 PM · Report this
Sea Otter 106
Also, GAG's question is exactly like the no-brainer etiquette questions that Ann Landers used to use to fill up column space. Kind of makes me nostalgic for my preteen/early teenage years when I read Ann's column after school every day, before I grew into Savage Love.
Posted by Sea Otter on August 1, 2012 at 6:43 PM · Report this
107
My boyfriend and I share an account on the same computer, and the only problem that results when I run across his porn is that I can get very distracted by it, and end up forgetting about whatever work I've signed on to do. In some weird passive-aggressive way, I get to enjoy the fruits of his "bad behavior" while remaining innocent of the "crime" of searching for online porn. :::wide-eyed blink, blink, blink, bat lashes, bat lashes, bat lashes.
Posted by TaniaZ on August 1, 2012 at 6:52 PM · Report this
108
Dan, WHACK's letter certainly should have tripped your "How in hell did THAT happen?" sensor. I doubt that WHACK is clearing his history to protect other people's sensibilities. People with delicate sensibilities don't check browser histories--in fact, no one checks another person's history unless they're looking for dirt. WHACK is protecting himself from his nosy wife, but not very cannily or bravely. If he had brains, he'd load in a bogus history, pure as driven snow. If he had balls, he'd leave his real history there and dare her to make an issue of it. Me, I'd load it up with divorce lawyers' websites and see what she had to say about that. If he's surfing kiddy-porn sites, she should dump him; if not, he should dump her.
Posted by jmkelly on August 1, 2012 at 7:04 PM · Report this
109
Dan, WHACK's letter should have tripped your "How in hell did THAT happen?" sensor. I doubt that WHACK is clearing his history to protect other people's sensibilities. People with delicate sensibilities don't check other people's browser histories--in fact, no one checks another person's history unless they're looking for dirt. WHACK is protecting himself from his nosy wife, but not very cannily or bravely. If he had brains, he'd load in a bogus history, pure as driven snow. If he had balls, he'd leave his real history there and dare her to make an issue of it. Me, I'd load it up with divorce lawyers' websites and see what she had to say about that. If he's surfing kiddy-porn sites, she should dump him; if not, he should dump her.
Posted by jmkelly on August 1, 2012 at 7:14 PM · Report this
110
Some people in this thread are really extreme about their right to privacy, saying that no decent person ever looks at another person's browser history.

Look, if you're terrified of having your secrets uncovered, you should dump your current partner and find someone who is actually on your side.

I'm with @102: "I've shared a computer with a partner with no separate passwords, and it wasn't a problem, cause we weren't hiding anything from each other."

Dan generally says just be discreet if your wife gets icked out by your porn. You pretend not to use it, and she pretends to believe you. But porn use is not a Super Duper High Security "I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you" kind of secret.

Save that level of paranoia for when you're actually having an affair or stealing from your retirement accounts to pay sex workers.
Posted by EricaP on August 1, 2012 at 8:20 PM · Report this
111
Not everyone who doesn't watch porn begrudges other people their own enjoyment of porn. I don't watch it, and have no real interest in joining my husband when he watches it, but I've certainly never smut shamed him and I wouldn't describe myself as "anti-porn".
Posted by Amanda on August 1, 2012 at 9:15 PM · Report this
112
@99, Crinoline:

Yes, she might find knowing about his porn hot. But why does that mean he hast to stop clearing his browser history? Maybe he doesn't want her to know, for whatever reason. That's his right. We don't have to share everything with our partners just because they find it hot.
Posted by migrationist on August 1, 2012 at 9:38 PM · Report this
113
I don't know about Internet Explorer,but both Firefox and Chrome have the option for private browsing, so any website you visit while private browsing doesn't get added to the history. That way, you can visit away without having a blank history to remain as evidence.
Posted by frizzyhair on August 1, 2012 at 9:40 PM · Report this
Allyson 114
WHACK: never mind the smut shaming, I would have a serious issue with any partner who took issue with a blank browser history and expected me to be OK with being checked up on. Excuse me? No thanks...

Chick-fil-A: love it! Dan, a humble suggestion for a future book: a dictionary that lists the names of asshole politicos/companies/celebrities/etc and the new definition of their names. Sadly, there are enough to choose from to fill a book...
Posted by Allyson on August 1, 2012 at 9:59 PM · Report this
115
WHACK, your wife should not be checking your browser history for heaven's sake. I'm surprised Dan stayed on the porn issue and didn't move on to the larger issue of invading privacy and being too controlling. You can view whatever you want and erase whatever you want and if she complains again, tell her in no uncertain terms to STOP or else.

At this point with this type of person, I'd get my own computer and password protect it.
Posted by GG1000 on August 1, 2012 at 10:31 PM · Report this
116
I have three words, and three words only, for WHACK: Google Chrome Incognito. That is all.
Posted by QuixoticWindmill on August 1, 2012 at 10:32 PM · Report this
artdyke 117
As a lesbian: I think attachment to a harness is a lot more appropriate than attachment to the dildo. My wife and I own an array of dildos and it's the receptive partner (her, me, whoever may be visiting) that gets to choose the tool. It makes a lot more sense to me that the ex would keep the harness but the receptive partner keeps the dildo.

I understand that people might feel differently, but if you purchase the dildo yourself and keep it at your house and she purchases/hangs onto the harness, it will make a lot more sense if/when it ends for you to each keep what you've been holding onto.
Posted by artdyke on August 2, 2012 at 12:27 AM · Report this
118
This is not a porn problem, it's a computer literacy problem. There is a reason that all modern operating systems have multiple user accounts -- use them! Log out when you leave the computer, and then the next user (using *their* login, not yours) will never need to see your browser history or know whether or not it has been recently cleared. And even if you are not trying to hide anything, it's just better computer hygiene to have each user have their own separate account so you don't accidentally clobber each other's data or set preferences that the other person is annoyed by.
Posted by lori1 on August 2, 2012 at 12:48 AM · Report this
DAVIDinKENAI 119
Whack: You and everyone focused on hiding the porn, but she (in addition to the usual female insecurities about porn) may be worried about an affair, an expensive hobby, relapse to an old addiction, etc, etc.

But hiding all porn looks odd, if she's the sort who would stop and think about it. So use privacy mode for stuff she doesn't need burned into her retinas. But leave some history of really vanilla stuff featuring nice girls who look like her so she can think that's what gets you off in her absence. Then you choose the URLs and even the time stamps for those (apparently) infrequent events.

Yeah, hopefully she just wants to know your porn habits and will be be totally cool with it. But if she's not in that 5% of women, then how does Dan say it?, "All relationships are built on a. Solid foundation of lies and deceit."
Posted by DAVIDinKENAI on August 2, 2012 at 12:57 AM · Report this
120
Eh, I am not sure Chick-fil-a for pegging works as well as santorum worked for the frothy mix. My word nerd sense tells me that it's because pegging is a verb, and all the other words are nouns. Maybe some other noun for CFA?
Posted by kazura on August 2, 2012 at 1:07 AM · Report this
artdyke 121
@116 Or Firefox Private Browsing. Yeah, they were basically made for porn and porn alone.
Posted by artdyke on August 2, 2012 at 1:20 AM · Report this
122
112-Migrationist--- Agreed. I was only trying to sum up the 3 possibilities quickly.
Posted by Crinoline on August 2, 2012 at 3:09 AM · Report this
123
I checked my husband's browser history just out of curiosity after reading the first letter. It turns out he likes women with huge natural boobs - and watching said boobs bounce around during sex. Mine are pretty big, but these chicks make me look like the president of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee.

I'm not sure whether to feel relieved (as far as porn watching goes it's pretty tame) or insecure (my boobs aren't big enough!) I'm glad he's at least into my general body type. Maybe I should invest in some Wonder Bras?
Posted by the_spiral on August 2, 2012 at 3:41 AM · Report this
sissoucat 124
@118 I agree.

I'm very surprised that so many readers use the same accounts as their spouses, hence the browser history problems.

I haven't done that since the 90s. And I bought this computer more than 5 years ago ; I must be using a dinosaur by today's standards...
Posted by sissoucat on August 2, 2012 at 5:36 AM · Report this
125
@loril and sissoucat and others:

WHACK doesn't say they are sharing a computer.

If one needs to quickly check something I think it's quite normal in a relationship to ask to use the other one's computer if that computer is already on. It is quite clunky to change users every time one wants to quickly check train times or the weather forecast.


Posted by migrationist on August 2, 2012 at 6:24 AM · Report this
126
While I agree with Dan's advice to SAP, I think he neglected to address the main issue. SAP's boyfriend doesn't give a damn about SAP's feelings of discomfort when other men make passes at him ("not a big deal", huh?) and that's what's providing the conflict in the relationship, much moreso than the actual flirting issue. SAP should DTIAMFA (dump the insanely attractive motherfucker already) and find a boyfriend who cares about mutual trust and respect.
Posted by wayne on August 2, 2012 at 6:44 AM · Report this
127
Re; Chick-fil-A. Fighting hate with hate again, I see. Rather unseemly.
Posted by Cletus on August 2, 2012 at 7:27 AM · Report this
128
What I loath about the GLBT agenda is...if your opinion is anything but 100% positive (in support of) them, then you are obviously a homophobe.

Not true.

GLBT agenda supports must have really thin skins and a praise complex.

How did GLBT people live in this world before the agenda yahoos???

Oh, and I have gays in my family, friends, co workers, the people living their life with a minimal amount of parading have my respect vs. the other flamers.

The agenda-ers want 100% acceptance when themselves are nowhere near that level of acceptance.

Whining hypocrites
Posted by osage2112 on August 2, 2012 at 7:38 AM · Report this
129
@osage:

Who are those mysterious "GLBT agenda-ers"?

Is someone who wants to be able to marry someone of the same sex automatically an "agenda-er"? Is someone who wants to legally have sex with a consenting adult of the same sex an "agenda-er"? Is someone who doesn't want to be discriminated against because he/she loves someone of the same sex an "agenda-er"?

So, please explain who the "agenda-ers" (great neologism, by the way) are and what their agenda is.
Posted by migrationist on August 2, 2012 at 7:58 AM · Report this
130
@119 "All relationships are built on a solid foundation of lies and deceit."

You got a cite for that? This is what I've seen Dan say: "A successful marriage is basically an endless cycle of wrongs committed, apologies offered, and forgiveness granted, all leavened by the occasional orgasm."

http://www.thestranger.com/slog/archives…

Recommending that people be discreet about their porn use (you pretend not to use porn; she pretends to believe you) isn't the same as promoting a foundation of lies and deceit.
Posted by EricaP on August 2, 2012 at 8:53 AM · Report this
131
Regarding your 'programming note'- Dan, I love you!! Chick-fil-a = Pegging! Go, Spread the Word!
Posted by Wolfbitch on August 2, 2012 at 9:01 AM · Report this
nocutename 132
I'm feeling hopelessly out of it: I have never checked the browser history on a computer: not to see what my ex-husband had been doing, not to check up on my kids, not to check up on my ex-boyfriend, not to check up on my parents. It would never occur to me to do so--it would be like wanting to read someone's mind.

Maybe I'm unimaginative, but I don't see what on a browser's history would link to an affair (unless maybe the spouse was buying gifts online for the person s/he was cheating with, or the cheater was using an online dating site. In that case, that much stupidity deserves to be caught). Most computer-based "evidence" of an affair would be on email.

As far as people's porn-watching habits go, if the idea of your spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend watching porn bothers you, or the nature of the porn watched when alone bothers you (unless you have real reasons to suspect that the porn is illegal/unethically made), don't try to poke around to find it so it can upset you!

I love sex; read, write, and publish erotica; have no issue with any boyfriend watching porn; but do not like visual porn at all, myself. So why would I want to see something that will turn me off, but provides my partner harmless happiness?

Before there were computers, some things that went on in our partners' minds were allowed to stay private.
Posted by nocutename on August 2, 2012 at 9:37 AM · Report this
133
As someone who has more than once learned far too much about the sexual preferences of a friend or coworker that I'm not romantically involved with because I borrowed their computer and AutoComplete + failure to clear browser history suggested some unmistakably pornorific choices for web viewing, I urge everyone to please clear your browser history or use private viewing unless you ever, ever let anyone else use your computer. Most of us are sexual beings and most of us have kinks; I've got plenty of my own! I know my married-with-a-kid coworker has sex. But I absolutely don't need to be privy to knowledge about what kind of sex he's into.
Posted by TMI on August 2, 2012 at 10:17 AM · Report this
134
Well get Chrome or most any browser, use the incognito feature which leaves no cache memory unless you are dealing with an Uber geek girlfriend, and use that to do the Porn, then keep the cache for regular browsing also one should keep the cache memory down as it can bog the computer speed down, On my mac if I do not clear the cache it will just crash.
Posted by simonlang2001 on August 2, 2012 at 10:35 AM · Report this
135
Well get Chrome or most any browser, use the incognito feature which leaves no cache memory unless you are dealing with an Uber geek girlfriend, and use the incognito browser window to do the Porn,

then keep the regular window cache for regular browsing also one should keep the cache memory down as it can bog the computer speed down.
On my mac 10 plus years old if I do not clear the cache it will just crash.

The other thing is you can set what you delete of the history, so you can choose to clear pass words, recent history, web cookies, auto fill properties all under :"chrome" and then preferences, and click "under the hood" a panel pops up where you can select what is deletable
Posted by long tall sally on August 2, 2012 at 11:00 AM · Report this
136
@tantdetentation: I would think Chick-Fil-Atio was oral sex with a chicken.

Maybe he's just overcompensating for being a boy named Cathy.
Posted by Joe in Seattle on August 2, 2012 at 11:11 AM · Report this
fannerz 137
I like pegging, I think we should use Chik-fil-atio to mean when your partner sucks off your strap on dick. Which is insanely hot.
Posted by fannerz on August 2, 2012 at 11:30 AM · Report this
mydriasis 138
"Before there were computers, some things that went on in our partners' minds were allowed to stay private."

Um, actually after computers things that go on in our partners minds are still allowed to stay private. Computers haven't magically created telepathy. If people consider the websites they visit to be somehow equivilent to the depths of their inner thoughts then they can delete their browser history. I personally don't feel that way, but I appear to be in the minority.
Posted by mydriasis on August 2, 2012 at 12:22 PM · Report this
BedlamBabe 139
I REALLY hope the gag was clean, I'm just sayin'...
Posted by BedlamBabe on August 2, 2012 at 12:41 PM · Report this
nocutename 140
@139 (mydriasis):
I meant I never check a browser history, in part because I have little interest in knowing what someone doesn't want to share with me. Also in part because most browser history of anyone I know is likely to be boring and not very interesting/revelatory!

(sigh) I am a big believer in privacy. I was being snarky for just that one sentence, but I guess it was misconstrued. The rest of my post accurately reflects my sincere beliefs.
Posted by nocutename on August 2, 2012 at 12:53 PM · Report this
mydriasis 141
@140

I think it was partly unlucky timing on your part, many people were posting rather scandalized reactions to the idea that their oh-so-private computer histories may be anything but. I was reacting less to your post itself and more the collection of posts of this nature.

I respect that everyone has their needs to privacy but people have different ideas of what that should look like. The suggestin that a married couple shouldn't use the same computer is pretty absurd in my eyes, somewhat akin to suggesting that a joint bank account is wrong and stupid and no married couple should do that. If you share a bank account, that's a los of privacy to a degree - yet lots of couples do it. There are lots of cases where intimacy and privacy conflict in a relationship and it's a very individual question how that conflict should be resolved in each case.

This one-size-fits-all "OF COURSE you should hide your internet history from your significant other" rhetoric was more what was bothering me, especially since I don't really see a need for it if you have nothing to hide from your partner.
Posted by mydriasis on August 2, 2012 at 1:09 PM · Report this
142
Re WHACK - am I the only one not buying the "I'm so considerate I always clear my browsing history" line? I would only clear my history if I were doing something I was ashamed of. If I was not ashamed of looking at porn, I wouldn't bother clearing the evidence.
Posted by EdgarECayce on August 2, 2012 at 1:35 PM · Report this
143
I think some people mentally file "browser history" along with elements of one's life that are traditionally accorded unusual privacy, like personal mail, and some people don't. I'm with nocutename: it's almost never occurred to me to check. Once or twice I've checked my kids' histories when they seemed to be using a ton of bandwidth or viruses were getting through a lot. But they're not allowed computers in non-public areas of the house until they're eighteen, so internet porn is not something I specially worry about much.
Posted by Eirene on August 2, 2012 at 1:44 PM · Report this
144
why on earth is it so important for men to look at porn day after day after day. Once in a while ok no big deal but if it's a daily habit then it becomes and addiction and not necessarily for a relationship.
Posted by rnydaygrl on August 2, 2012 at 2:15 PM · Report this
145
Chick-Fil-A FTW!

Dan, this middle-aged, midwestern, straight, vanilla, monogamously married person thinks you're a goddamn national treasure.
Posted by DanaC on August 2, 2012 at 2:33 PM · Report this
146
Clearly the solution is Private Browsing. Available on most browsers, Gives you the ability to watch/do what ever you want and while it's turned on the history won't be saved and it won't require you to erase everything creating an odd absence of browsing activities.
Posted by kahazdum on August 2, 2012 at 2:57 PM · Report this
147
@127 (Cletus)

pegging is an act of love, not hate.

we're fighting hate with LOVE.
Posted by tenderhook on August 2, 2012 at 2:59 PM · Report this
148
It seems ridiculously obvious WHACK. Just learn how to use your browser's Private Browsing setting. They pretty much all have them these days. It won't record browser history while the setting is turned on, but it won't delete the history while the setting is turned off. So no porn sites pop up, but there's no suspiciously empty history either.
Posted by private surfer on August 2, 2012 at 4:48 PM · Report this
nocutename 149
@147 (tenderhook): I first read that as "Pegging is an act of love, not haste," and I thought, "no, a good pegging should take its time!"

@142 (EdgarECayce): I agree that porn shouldn't be anything to be ashamed of--which makes me think that WHACK's wife is a bit wacky about porn and porn-viewing, if he feels the need to clear his history.

@Eirene, mydriasis, et al: I also never read anyone else's emails, or open any mail addressed to anyone else. When I was married, we had only joint bank accounts, but I understand if people want to manage their finances separately. It doesn't even necessarily suggest a lack of trust, either.
But it's one thing to have separate bank accounts, and another to have a an account in a Swiss bank that your spouse knows nothing about. To strain the metaphor.
Posted by nocutename on August 2, 2012 at 5:00 PM · Report this
mydriasis 150
@nocute

In the days of yore she would have to do snooping to realize the browser history had been cleared. But it's 2012 and it will take you about three seconds to notice that. Say I want to go to this website, I type in "the" and the website fills in for me (it's in the history). If someone cleared my browser history (it's her's too) I'd know the second I tried to lazily type in the first three letters of a website and the computer didn't autocomplete them for me.

If this were the 90's we could be asking "why was she checking the history in the first place?" but in this day and age it's unlikely that any snooping was done on her part.

I've had boyfriends casually ask me to check their texts, or inboxes for them "hey have I gotten an email from so and so yet? what does that text say? etc". Heck, I've even been given passwords to email, etc because they trust me not to memorize the password and use it at a later time. And I don't. If my boyfriend wants to look through my phone, I let him. Trust for me is a big part of intimacy. I understand if other people aren't 100% comfortable with that and I totally respect that (in other people's relationships).

I was more just objecting to the idea that it should be mandatory for couples to have seperate computers.

But to be clear, I never have (and never would) read someone's mail, texts, email, etc without permission in that instance. Every time I've done that it was with permission first and doing it without permission (or knowledge) is a totally different animal.
Posted by mydriasis on August 2, 2012 at 5:29 PM · Report this
151
All browsers nowadays have an option to open a separate session in 'private' mode. That session does not store any history, but the history of the main session stays intact.

Another option is to use an entirely different browser for porn. For example, if your girlfriend uses Internet Explorer, then install Google Chrome or Firefox, and place the icon somewhere that is not obvious. Then use Chrome exclusively for porn, and clear the history every time. She'll never know. You're welcome.
Posted by mh6893 on August 2, 2012 at 5:41 PM · Report this
152
WHACK's wife has a legitimate issue if she's upset about losing her internet history. However, the letter explicitly states that she's upset that he's "keeping secrets". Unless his masturbation is so frequent that he's neglecting her, it's none of her business. He shouldn't share any more than he feels comfortable with. And obviously, use private browsing.
Posted by DrVanNostrand on August 2, 2012 at 5:44 PM · Report this
nocutename 153
@144 (rnydygrl): You may as well ask "why on earth is it so important for people to listen to music day after day after day. Once in a while ok no big deal."
Some people don't get why _________ (fill in the blank)is so important to other people; that doesn't mean that my daily book-reading or someone's gym time is an addiction, just because you don't want to read or work out daily. Unless the porn time is actively eating into your time together, or affecting your interactions, unless his porn watching keeps him from having real, live sex with real, live you, why is a daily porn habit any different than a daily glass of orange juice in the afternoon, or time spent listening to music daily. And why do you care?
Posted by nocutename on August 2, 2012 at 5:47 PM · Report this
mydriasis 154
@nocute

Not to split hairs but one way they're different is relatability.

I don't much care if my SO watches porn daily (again, as long as it doesn't affect me) but for me "I love music and listen to it every day" is a common interest "I go to the gym every day" isn't. Neither is "I watch porn every day".

I agree with your overall point, I just think it's fair for someone to find some passions appealing and others not so.
Posted by mydriasis on August 2, 2012 at 6:03 PM · Report this
smajor82 155
@16,17: late reply, but yes, that's obviously it. I should have thought of that ...
Posted by smajor82 on August 2, 2012 at 6:26 PM · Report this
156
If something's on the floor next to the bed, it's hard to pretend that you didn't see it. Unless of course there's only a few inches of floor between the bed and a wall. But if it's out in the open, I would at least gently kick it under the bed.
Posted by Diagoras on August 2, 2012 at 6:33 PM · Report this
157
Ms Erica - The first quote sounds very Wildean. Mr Savage may have to give precedence.
Posted by vennominon on August 2, 2012 at 6:52 PM · Report this
nocutename 158
@154 (mydriasis): "I go to the gym every day" and "I watch porn daily" may not be on my or your roster, but they're neither of them uncommon. It is absolutely fair for someone to find some activities more appealing than others, and it is totally normal and okay for members of a couple to have different interests, and different routine activities. My point is that rnydaygrl is upset by the fact that the men she has known watch porn daily. She likens it to an addiction. Certainly for some people, it does represent compulsive behavior, but not every habitual activity is an addiction, and porn consumption, even if not your thing, (rhetorical "your") is not necessarily any more damaging to a relationship, even when a daily occurrence, than many other activities.
Posted by nocutename on August 2, 2012 at 7:29 PM · Report this
mydriasis 159
@nocute

Oh most definitely, I agree completely. I meant to get across that I agree with what you were saying but I wanted to add another point. I don't think there's anything wrong with watching porn daily and I think it's fairly normal especially among men. I more meant that "I listen to music ever day" adds something to the relationship (shared interests, yay!) where "I watch porn every day" adds nothing (is neutral, but not negative).

As for daily things that are damaging to a relationship? Porn, not so much. Cocaine? Beleive me!
Posted by mydriasis on August 2, 2012 at 8:02 PM · Report this
160
@mydriasis:

"I listen to music every day" only adds to the relationship if both parties are a) interested in music and b) into the same kind of music.
Posted by migrationist on August 3, 2012 at 12:16 AM · Report this
nocutename 161
@157 (Mr. Ven): It does sound Wildean. If it was set to music, it could be Cowardean (certainly not Cowardly, right?).
Posted by nocutename on August 3, 2012 at 2:15 AM · Report this
nocutename 162
@160 (migrationist): Yes, exactly.
Posted by nocutename on August 3, 2012 at 2:48 AM · Report this
mydriasis 163
@ migrationist

Yeah, I thought I was pretty clear I was using myself as an example for that? As for the second part, I don't really agree - I've never dated someone who had identical music tastes to me. I find most people who are really into music are open minded about listening to things that aren't their usual go-tos. I doubt anyone can get me into pop-country but there's definitely a lot of metal on my computer that wouldn't be there otherwise.
Posted by mydriasis on August 3, 2012 at 6:06 AM · Report this
164
Dear SAP, I was in your situation 30 years ago, and like one of the commentators, was no slouch in the looks department either. But, my ex was blond, blue-eyed and the typical boy next door. I could go on and on, but here's my advice (no where near the expert advice Dan consistently give) if your bf doesn't reinforce his relationship to you by tactile and public shows of affection in social situations , if he doesn't consistently admonished mutual friends for their passes in total disrespect to you and your relationship then the logical explanation can only be that not only does enjoy the narcissistic high from the attention it has morpth into erotic adventure and he will eventually cheat on you. It will hurt, how many of these hurts you're willing to endure is up to you. As for me, though I have moved on and enjoyed successful relationships, every now and then I remember the pain of those events and wonder if he's ever matured to realize when you're in public with your partner there are two people to think of when friends and strangers press boundaries...
Posted by rpb on August 3, 2012 at 6:29 AM · Report this
165
Okay, just googled "funnel gag" and OH MY EYES!
Posted by pjc on August 3, 2012 at 7:54 AM · Report this
hopdog 166
Whack, the browser history also is a tool that is used to keep a record of sites previously used and assists in going to those sites without having to type all friggin' day, she may not like typing, and with you always erasing the history... probably the main reason for the venting.
Posted by hopdog on August 3, 2012 at 9:20 AM · Report this
167
@117 my gf and I totally agree! We both top and bottom, and we both chose
our own dildos for when we bottom. If we were to break up, we'd each keep the toys we picked out. And we wouldn't feel weird using them with future partners, mostly because we invested in pricey silicone and Vixskin stuff--which can be boiled. So I don't think your desire to keep the toys you become attached to as the receiving partner is at all weird.

But! Neither of us really identifies with the cocks we wear--it's a way to make the other person feel good, period, for us. It sounds like your ex really got into the "this is my cock" mindset. Does your current partner feel the same way, or is it just a tool for making you feel good?

Either way, I think you should invest in something nice that you really like that you keep forever and ever. Your girlfriend, if she wants, can do the same for herself. And if/when you split, you each have your own arsenal--that's just part of being a grown-ass dyke!
Posted by doris delores on August 3, 2012 at 9:53 AM · Report this
168
"Chick-fil-A" hee hee!

@STRAP- I'm surprised Dan didn't mention that if you buy yourself a strap-on BEFORE your next relationship, with your own funds on your own time, that strap-on is and would be seen as your property by your subsequent girlfriends. Write you name on it :) And people generally enter and leave casual relationships with their property intact. As for the strap-on you and your current SO buy together, que sera, sera. There is considerable pleasure to be had in the freedom and ability to give gifts to others, so just this once, enjoy it.
Posted by KittyWrangler on August 3, 2012 at 10:10 AM · Report this
169
@132: Exactly my thoughts.

Maybe it's just because we started out with an Internet relationship, but I can't imagine rifling through my wife's browser history any more than I can image wiretapping her phone calls or tailing her when she goes out somewhere. It would seem like an unreasonable invasion of another adult's privacy.
Posted by Orv on August 3, 2012 at 2:06 PM · Report this
170
If she were in trouble, it'd be good to have access.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 3, 2012 at 2:40 PM · Report this
171
@ whack; firefox has a private navigation function and so does google chrome, one mouseclick and your browser doesnt store any of the sites you visited until you resume wachting sportsresults and/or kitty memes.
Posted by dutchie on August 4, 2012 at 9:28 AM · Report this
amyinnewyork 172
My understanding of strap-on/general toy etiquette has always been: One person pays for it, basically because both parties know that the relationship will possibly end. Whoever pays for it keeps it. This is if both people go to the sex shop together. If it is given as a gift, the recipient keeps it. I don't think who is getting fucked and who is going the fucking has anything to do with this.

I also think it is emotionally/psychologically healthiest to throw away shared toys after a breakup if you were using the toy in the context of a serious-ish relationship and only using it with the person you were dating.
Posted by amyinnewyork http://pitypageant.tumblr.com on August 4, 2012 at 9:43 AM · Report this
173
Why, yes! Chick-fil-A is an obvious synonym for pegging. Brilliant!
Posted by Nekkid Jim on August 4, 2012 at 11:25 AM · Report this
Canadian Nurse 174
nocutename: Do you publish online, e-books or print?
Posted by Canadian Nurse on August 4, 2012 at 3:38 PM · Report this
nocutename 175
Canadian Nurse: So far, just e-books. I'm trying to break into the print market. I have two or three stories out now that I'm waiting to hear back from (they survived the first two rounds of calls for submissions). Keep your fingers crossed! The very first story I ever wrote (and one that is available in e-book format), was inspired by a letter to Savage Love a long time ago!
Posted by nocutename on August 4, 2012 at 4:57 PM · Report this
176
Great Dan, thanks. No my girlfriend is going to think im secretly gay because i enjoy having my ass played with. awesome man, thanks a lot.
Posted by thanksalotdan on August 5, 2012 at 2:27 AM · Report this
177
172--I find something a little disturbing about the idea of there being a need to throw away a shared sex toy after a break-up. I'm not telling anyone how to run their personal lives so if someone thinks that's the psychologically healthy thing to do, go for it. But ... really? The toy becomes laden with so much emotional baggage that it gets chucked? Why? Because it's too potent a reminder? It's better to go out and get and get an identical manufactured item to use with the next partner?

I can understand having a bad break-up and wanting to burn all of the jerk's personal effects. Get rid of those stupid flannel shirts he wore and that aftershave you hated. Toss her black teddy that never did much for you and those ridiculous stuffed animals. But that's assuming you're not hoping that the next partner moves in with more flannel shirts and stuffed animals. Those items tend to be highly personal, not exactly unique, but it's rare that 2 people have the exactly the same taste and size in bath care products and clothing. If it's something like cookware where you like having heavy bottomed stainless steel sauce pots, something that's pricey but the same at every Macy's, why throw them away just because he/she/it left them behind?

Unless ... there's something deeply emotionally invested in the sex toy, something that transcends the emotional investment in the person, and that's ... well, disturbing.
Posted by Crinoline on August 5, 2012 at 9:49 AM · Report this
178
@Crinoline:

Don't you think that the idea that this silicone dildo was in someone else's vagina or anus is slightly gross?

I know this finger/ tongue/ dick were also there but somehow in my mind the juices seem to stick more to toys than body parts.
Posted by migrationist on August 5, 2012 at 11:27 AM · Report this
nocutename 179
Crinoline, I'm straight, but most of my lesbian friends view a breakup as time to throw out the dildos.

I don't think your comparisons of mutually-shared sex toys with flannel shirts, stuffed animals, or high-quality cookware are apt. A dildo that goes in a harness so that one partner can fuck the other with it but isn't used for any other purpose or for any solo masturbation is associated, perhaps irrevocably, with the other person and the sex between the two. If it is a substitute for a body part and "Gina" uses it on "Jen," then it comes to be seen, by both Gina and Jen, as an extension of Gina herself.

If they break up, it is easy to understand why Jen doesn't want it anymore, even if she is the one who bought it or it always stayed at her house. It is also understandable that Gina would think of it as the tool that she fucked JEN with, and wouldn't want to re-use it or keep it, either.

Some people might not get so personally invested in the toy, or might think about it from a money-saving perspective, or an environmental one and not want to waste it, but I can easily understand a more emotional attachment to it.

I have a dildo/vibrator that I bought for myself. I use it on myself, whether I am alone or with a partner, and I've used it with partners that I had short-lived, extremely casual sexual relationships with. I don't feel the need to get rid of it and replace it when I stop seeing a particular man. I see it as a tool for ME, and even if stays at someone else's house, it's my toy, not our toy (even though the man might be quite happy to see me use it or to use it on me). But it has no emotional attachment; it's just a sexual aid.

On the other hand, my last boyfriend and I had gone shopping together and bought a collar for me to wear with him, for him and him only. He paid for it and it was kept at his house. It was a highly symbolic artifact, and was deeply suggestive of the nature of the relationship between us. When he broke up with me, I couldn't bear the thought of his using that collar on someone else. I asked him to please not use it with another woman, and he said, "Sweetie, that is your collar; I wouldn't use it on someone else." But when he offered to return it to me, I declined it--I don't collar myself for solo masturbation and didn't want to wear it for someone else--it had too much significance in that particular relationship. I assume or hope that he threw it away, and any subsequent relationship he gets involved in, even if the woman wears a collar for him, uses a different collar, associated with that particular woman and the nuances of that relationship.

I assume that a dildo-and-harness is much the same, if not stronger for some people. And I don't find it disturbing in the way you suggest whatsoever--just inconvenient and expensive in the event of a breakup.
More...
Posted by nocutename on August 5, 2012 at 11:32 AM · Report this
nocutename 180
Plus the "gross" aspect that Migrationist mentioned! You can't throw away your finger or penis, but you can replace a piece of silicone or glass/metal/plastic, whatever.
I don't want a dildo that's been in someone else inside me, even if it's been boiled in the meantime. That may be irrational, but it has a deep-seated "eeww" factor anyway.
Posted by nocutename on August 5, 2012 at 11:42 AM · Report this
181
178, 179, 180-- I understand throwing away the items from a sanitation perspective. My comment was in answer to 172 who called throwing away the items healthy from an emotional/psychological perspective.
Posted by Crinoline on August 6, 2012 at 6:31 AM · Report this
182
The S.A.P. letter strikes one as fabrication.

Here's why:

First of all, most people know inherently how vast their respective leagues are as far as who's within a comfortable strata of interpersonal attractiveness.

Even upon agreeing to go out with the really good-looking boyfriend, he (S.A.P.) had to have known this sort of subject would be an issue. A whole year later and it's a problem all of the sudden...?

Bullshit.

And, unless S.A.P. is a martyr, or just a self-punishing type, there's no way in hell most people would stick with anyone who doesn't pay at least as much attention to you as they do themselves (the flattery, center of attention thing, et. al.).

The S.A.P. letter is fictional, as the order of events is unnatural and a bit hard to believe.

Verdict: Bullshit.
Posted by A Bullshitter's Bullshitter on August 6, 2012 at 12:32 PM · Report this
183
The dildo one: *of course* you get rid of the old one and get a new one with the new partner! Why does that sort of thing need in-depth analysis?

The search browser thing: your life, your business, your responsibility to maintain privacy by clearing the decks for your own protection.

The funnel gag one: it depends on how friendly you are with them. I'd say go out in their yard, grab a branch, get the funnel on the branch and ask one of the friends there, "Did anybody forget something?"

The makings for a great subsequent dinner party repartee', indeed.

And, @ 181: "throwing away the items healthy from an emotional/psychological perspective"

Texts first as has been, and then sage the phone with white sage to rid it of it's bad, outdated energy. But, mostly, just anything borne from a functional lie. Cleanse your way to enlightenment.

Posted by Bullshitter's Bullshitter on August 6, 2012 at 12:46 PM · Report this
184
AND I hope the chickens of America make like an Albert Hitchcock movie and descend upon that retarded fat slob Dan Cathy and all his ignorant cronies and peck their fucking eyes out. You assholes sell chicken, not political opinion worth a rat's piss. Fuck Chick-fil-A. Fuck inside Chick-fil-A: right there at the counter: any gender of gay couples. Freak 'em out and then tell them the rest of the nonsense they're trying to tout outside of selling chicken is about as credible and actual as the myth of the tooth fairy. Fuck every last one of those ingrates: with that accumulating pile of out-used sex toys and dildos from S.T.R.A.P.. Sounds like she's got a few extras to spare. That, all of them dildos will be doused in the hottest hot pepper sauce prior to their best use yet in humbling the most pious of all political influence: some fucking fried chicken dump from down south more. Fuck you, Chick-fil-A. Jesus liked sucking cock and you can all go fuck yourselves central, Dan Cathy Movement.
Posted by Some Gospel on August 6, 2012 at 12:56 PM · Report this
185
Tail end of 184: no disrespect to anyone who is humane, has half a clue and also happens to be religious. I would advocate telling the Chick-fil-A people that Jesus was down with male to male oral copulation. Just to freak 'em out before the much heralded flock of righteous chickens descend and make gloopy meals of the Cathy-ites retinas and whites-of-their-eyes.

Sounds like a good time.
Posted by Hosannah In The Highest on August 6, 2012 at 1:12 PM · Report this
186
@WHACK: Your wife is being a dick. Not clearing your browser cache/history is roughly akin to forgetting to flush. Even if she likes to see that sort of thing, nobody else will be happy with stumbling across the full bowl. A policy of cleaning up after yourself is just polite.

@STRAP: If you paid for it, you get to keep it. It's YOURS, even if she uses it on you, because you OWN it. This is a girlfriend, not a spouse. You don't do the joint-ownership/divvying-up-shared-possessions-on-breakup thing until you are a formally committed couple.

If you go in halfsies on the purchase, well, you just bought yourself an argument that would have been better avoided in the first place. It only takes one time replacing your half of the halfsies arrangement to cost you as much as buying the thing outright and owning it yourself the first time.

Besides, if it is being used on you, the toy is effectively fluid bonded with you. Why would the Ex'es next girlfriend want your potentially contaminated toy used on her? Ew.
Posted by avast2006 on August 6, 2012 at 1:28 PM · Report this
187
@3: LOL!!! Chick-fil-Atio!!! I'm still laughing! You are a genius!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 6, 2012 at 3:18 PM · Report this
188
Just a dumb question (again)....as long as this week's Savage Love is about Sex Etiquette---is it just me, or are a good majority of EMTs so fucking CUTE?? Is it to help ease the suffering on the way to the ER?
DAMN----they're good at what they do!!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 6, 2012 at 3:22 PM · Report this
189
Dear WHACK,

it's likely that someone already suggested this (my patience kept me from reading more than half of the (informed and well-worded)) replies sent your way, but have you considered using a second browser?

Using Safari or Internet Explorer (or Netscape...that's still a thing, right?) for non-porn and Firefox, Chrome or Skyfire (on the iPhone/iPad) for your less gf-friendly fare is an option. All have decent private browsing functionality whilst keeping your primary browser open for more chaste and/or vanilla options. It's slightly more work (and POTENTIALLY duplicitous), but it's all for saving a relationship with somebody who is awesome in every way (except her comfortability with pornography).

Again, if somebody else already suggested this: I'm sorry/thank you! The world needs more people looking at pornography. You shouldn't HAVE to live in shame or secrecy, but maintaining your relationship with your significant other (in this case) is more important than changing hearts, minds, and lady parts...

xoxo.
Posted by killertofu on August 6, 2012 at 5:10 PM · Report this
190
I want to reiterate the question: why does WHACK's wife think she has a right to his browser history, specifically with respect to his masturbation habits? Message to The Wife: you are perilously close to wanting to have control over things that are not your territory. What he fantasizes about when he is all by himself is none of your business. It doesn't involve you, and shouldn't have to. Pro tip: He's probably not fantasizing about you. If you wanted you in that moment, he could go find you and have the real thing. Just so you know. Now get over yourself.

Seriously, it sounds like the "masturbation habits" thing is a total red herring to distract from the real reason she is snooping in his computer. What are you REALLY trying to find, lady?
Posted by avast2006 on August 6, 2012 at 5:52 PM · Report this
191
Avast,

We don't know she thinks she has a right to his browser history. She was simply surprised that he erased it. If this was his "policy", he clearly hadn't informed her, or she wouldn't have bothered to look. Unprepared for this, she over-reacted.

Posted by Hunter78 on August 6, 2012 at 6:42 PM · Report this
mydriasis 192
avast,

As I said above

In the days of yore she would have to do snooping to realize the browser history had been cleared. But it's 2012 and it will take you about three seconds to notice that. Say I want to go to this website, I type in "the" and the website fills in for me (it's in the history). If someone cleared my browser history (it's her's too, remember?) I'd know the second I tried to lazily type in the first three letters of a website and the computer didn't autocomplete them for me.

If this were the 90's we could be asking "why was she checking the history in the first place?" but in this day and age it's unlikely that any snooping was done on her part.


If they're sharing a computer it's not "his" history, it's THEIR history. Maybe SHE uses the history for HER purposes. For fucks sake... I am in awe at how many people are ignoring this very very very obvious fact.
Posted by mydriasis on August 6, 2012 at 8:59 PM · Report this
193
What part of "and berated me for "keeping secrets" from her regarding my masturbatory viewings" are we failing to grasp here?
Posted by avast2006 on August 6, 2012 at 10:35 PM · Report this
194
I'm with you Avast. I am in awe at how many people are completely ignoring the sentence you quoted.
Posted by DrVanNostrand on August 7, 2012 at 12:15 AM · Report this
195
Some people dislike porn. Some people dislike porn so much it depresses them to no end. If you aren't prepared to deal with someone like this, don't marry them. Problem solved.
Posted by Liz22 on August 7, 2012 at 12:21 AM · Report this
mydriasis 196
@ avast

To be honest I took the LW's statement with a grain of salt for the reasons I explained above. I considered "um, why are you deleting the browser history all the time? Is it just because you're looking at porn? You really don't need to be keeping secrets about that" And because she was annoyed (again, if someone was deleting my browser history all the time, I'd get annoyed too) he said she was "berating" him.

I guess I found that more plausible than his wife being some kind of "ARE YOU WATCHING PORN, THAT'S EVIL AND I MUST KNOW WHAT YOU MASTURBATE TO" harpie.

Clearly other readers took what he said at face value, I just really didn't. To be fair your post was less about her "snooping" and more about her not having a "right" to know what he was looking at, so my response wasn't really relevent (my bad!).

But in the context of a relationship I personally feel that people shouldn't have to hide things from eachother. Least of all something as innocuous as porn. It's kind of weird (sexist?) on his part that he thinks he needs to hide his porn from the woman he has a long term romantic and sexual relationship with. When someone makes a conspicuous display of hiding something (and deleting your entire browser history is just that) it can make a person wonder. Maybe she was concerned about unethical/illegal porn as Dan suggested. Maybe her thought process was "if he was just watching normal porn with consenting adults he wouldn't hide that so..?"

Again, I'm just not as up in arms about privacy as all y'all. I don't equate browser history with one's diary, one's email, or the bowels of their subconscious. It's just a couple websites you visited.

But obviously you can demand whatever level of privacy you want to in a relationship (so can the LW). That's your right, too.
More...
Posted by mydriasis on August 7, 2012 at 5:51 AM · Report this
197
Your orifice, your responsibility to buy the sex toy for that use.

The whole "and (she) berated me for "keeping secrets" from her regarding my masturbatory viewings" thing: none of her damn business. Wife, gf, whoever it is. In this day and age, most people have their own computers, as well as their own sex toys for their own orifices.

That, and there's ten zillion sentences and comments within any given week. You're bound to miss a few things.

Some things should be separate and private. Everyone has a right to their own privacy.
Posted by nowhere fast on August 7, 2012 at 9:09 AM · Report this
198
@196: Fair enough, but if what she was mad about was that he was wiping out her ability to autocomplete, one would think she would be "berating" him about that, not about masturbatory habits.

That and the far superior solution is to have separate accounts on the machine. That way he can do whatever the hell he wants to his history without disturbing hers. (You also get your own bookmarks, settings, et cetera. My wife has an enormous library of bookmarks, and having to weed through it to find the relatively few number of mine would annoy the crap out of me.) Telling him not to clear the cache because she might need it is not a very effective solution.

"It's kind of weird (sexist?) on his part that he thinks he needs to hide his porn from the woman he has a long term romantic and sexual relationship with."

Or from other users of the machine, to whom it would be, as per my original post, something like forgetting to flush. If this pair is sharing an account, chances are anyone else who needed to check their email would use that account too, and get an eyeful.

True, browser history isn't exactly a personal diary, but by the same token, all of that stuff is by definition temporary and subject to deletion at any time -- not only by the user but by automated processes. Browsers can get sluggish and even crashy when the cache gets really full. I don't see why someone else should get bent out of shape because I keep my cache cleaned out.

UNLESS you have reason to suspect that I am cheating or engaging in some other unsavory activity. Hence my thought: what are you REALLY looking for, lady?
Posted by avast2006 on August 7, 2012 at 10:48 AM · Report this
hart4 199
I just want to say, why not respect your wife and stop watching teen anal adventures or fisting stuff and create a new deeper intimacy with the woman you love and stop being so self indulgent.
Posted by hart4 on August 7, 2012 at 11:09 AM · Report this
mydriasis 200
I thought it was telling that the LW put "keeping secrets" in quotes, but not masturbatory habits. Heck, for all we know she said "you don't need to be keeping secrets about the websites you're visiting" and he filled in the "obviously she knows that what I'm hiding is porn and she wants to know about my masturbatory habits!!" all on his own.

Look, to me, deleting browser history is somewhat akin to hurriedly stashing the book you're reading into a drawer the second someone walks in the room. Some privacy-protecting behaviours just come off suspicious. I brought up shared bank accounts before. Do you share a bank account? Would it concern you to know that your wife had a secret bank account that she never told you about? Is there truly NO point where a need for privacy becomes alienating in your mind?

"I have always assumed that she doesn't want to see "Teen Anal Adventures" or "Lifestyles of the Deep and Fisted" when she looks at the browser history."

In other words, yeah he's concerned about others seeing it, but he also assumed that she'd have a problem with coming across his porn. Which (unless they explicitly discussed it, and it seems that they haven't) seems like a weird assumption to make. Although not weird in light of the fact that she's a woman and oh right, women hate and are offended by porn so we must hide it from their delicate eyes.

So in other words - I might not think you're cheating, but if you start acting like you have something to hide I might become suspicious?
Posted by mydriasis on August 7, 2012 at 11:41 AM · Report this
hart4 201
why didn't GAG just ask where the lost and found was?
Posted by hart4 on August 7, 2012 at 11:50 AM · Report this
mydriasis 202
@201

cute
Posted by mydriasis on August 7, 2012 at 12:23 PM · Report this
203
@ 200: "unless they explicitly discussed it, and it seems that they haven't"

The whole crux of all of this. Makes you wonder how well they know one another or even feel comfortable enough to allow it. And all that good stuff.
Posted by the ballad of strange intimacy on August 7, 2012 at 1:06 PM · Report this
204
@200: "and oh right, women hate and are offended by porn so we must hide it from their delicate eyes."

Hahahaha. Someone needs to consult the archives and remind herself how often men get chewed a new one by their SO's for the crime of looking at porn, and how often Dan tells the women to get over it.

Posted by avast2006 on August 7, 2012 at 1:10 PM · Report this
mydriasis 205
@avast

Hahaha. Someone needs to learn not to stereotype an entire gender based on the extremely skewed sample of people who get complained about to Dan Savage.
Posted by mydriasis on August 7, 2012 at 1:22 PM · Report this
206
Thank you, 199.
Posted by Steph36 on August 7, 2012 at 1:27 PM · Report this
207
@123. Forget WonderBras. Try Wacoal. They're sold at Nordstrom up to 36DD. Their pushup is really wonderful, even for my D cup.

Otherwise, please try not to compare yourself to the women in porn. You'll never win. Maybe you'd win on other measures (maybe this is the time to ask your boyfriend what else he appreciates about you). But porn stars' job is to be prettier, skinnier, nastier, and larger breasted than us mere mortals. Your post made me sad to think of someone feeling ugly because of a guy's viewing habits.
Posted by wxPDX on August 7, 2012 at 2:06 PM · Report this
208
@200
So you're completely ignoring the letter and inventing your own situation. Good to know, though I still don't see how berating him for "keeping secrets" is at all reasonable, even in your imagined scenario.

@199
That kind of idiocy is why he clears his internet history and why private browsing (which he should be using) was invented.
Posted by DrVanNostrand on August 7, 2012 at 2:09 PM · Report this
209
@123. Forget WonderBras. Try Wacoal. They're sold at Nordstrom up to 36DD. Their pushup is really wonderful, even for my D cup.

Otherwise, please try not to compare yourself to the women in porn. You'll never win. Maybe you'd win on other measures (maybe this is the time to ask your boyfriend what else he appreciates about you). But porn stars' job is to be prettier, skinnier, nastier, and larger breasted than us mere mortals. Your post made me sad to think of someone feeling ugly because of a guy's viewing habits. It strikes me as just sad that a masturbatory session lasting half an hour can make a partner feel rotten about herself for days or weeks. This is one of the few things where ignorance really is bliss. If I were you, I wouldn't look again.
Posted by wxPDX on August 7, 2012 at 2:10 PM · Report this
210
Sorry, double post w/edit.
Posted by wxPDX on August 7, 2012 at 2:11 PM · Report this
mydriasis 211
"So you're completely ignoring the letter and inventing your own situation. Good to know, though I still don't see how berating him for "keeping secrets" is at all reasonable, even in your imagined scenario."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grain_of_sa…

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Unreliable_…
Posted by mydriasis on August 7, 2012 at 2:17 PM · Report this
212
@211
Smut shaming is not at all uncommon. His situation, as he describes it, is an unremarkable example of it. Your insistence on considering him an "unreliable narrator" seems arbitrary.
Posted by DrVanNostrand on August 7, 2012 at 2:47 PM · Report this
213
205: It happens often enough that if he said it happened to him, you have no reason to counter that no, that never happens and it's just sexist of him to think that. See #199 and one or two others on this very thread for examples of that attitude.

If you want to disregard what he wrote and instead respond to your own imagining of how the scenario played out (complete with your own invented version of the dialogue including tone of voice), be my guest. I don't see a lot of utility in that, personally.

Whether she thinks she was being reasonable about it or not, it's still none of her business. His fantasy time is his own, goes on inside his own mind, and she does not have a right to it. If he wants to share, great; if he does not feel like involving her, that's his prerogative, and also is fine. For her to characterize it as "keeping secrets" -- no matter how calmly and sweetly articulated -- is still out of line.

If she thinks he is hiding something nefarious, she should say that. If on the other hand she honestly thinks it's just about his masturbatory habits, she should butt out.
Posted by avast2006 on August 7, 2012 at 2:52 PM · Report this
mydriasis 214
@212

Anyone who writes into Dan is by definition an unreliable narrator. That's what happens when you hear only one side of a conflict. It's not arbitrary.

We don't know she's smut shaming him, how can she possibly be smut shaming him without there being any smut to shame? He doesn't even imply that she objects to him watching porn (note that he suggests that she wouldn't want to see his porn, not that she would object to the very notion of him watching porn)

@avast

He actually didn't say it (smut shaming) happened to him (see above).

Also, by the way "no that never happens" is not the same as "it's sexist to assume that she will feel this way because some women in savage love letters feel that way".

"Hey, it's racist to assume that guy's a criminal just because he's black" is not the same as "no criminals are ever black". This is seriously grade school reasoning at this point.

As for "disregarding" what he wrote, I didn't disregard it. I interpreted it less credulously than you did.

Oh and also: "hey uh, this behaviour's suspicious can we talk about it?" is not the same as "I have a right to your fantasy time". Frankly, that reading sounds a lot more like your own imagining. In fact, even if you look at Dan's answer, he didn't assume the wife was smut shaming either (the first scenario he proposes paints her in a positive light).
Posted by mydriasis on August 7, 2012 at 3:18 PM · Report this
215
@213, Yes, she should butt out. But she can't unknow what she knows. She can (and should, for her own benefit) work on feeling less bad about it. That is hard work against a life time of negative body messages from without and within, but it is hard work worth doing. A good therapist can help. In the meantime, she will know what she knows and feel what she feels. She can try to hide what she feels, try not to say snarky things, and try not to let it influence her enthusiasm for sex. Generally try to suppress the way porn makes her feel about herself. I think that is what you want to happen?
Posted by wxPDX on August 7, 2012 at 3:18 PM · Report this
216
@214
"However, the other day, she noticed a blank browser history and berated me for "keeping secrets" from her regarding my masturbatory viewings."
The LW clearly did say that he was smut shamed. Dan did acknowledge that there were other possible interpretations, but he spent a lot more time dealing with the most obvious one: smut shaming. You can consider everyone that writes in to be an unreliable narrator, and then invent whatever scenario pleases you, but I don't consider that kind of unfounded speculation useful.
Posted by DrVanNostrand on August 7, 2012 at 3:41 PM · Report this
mydriasis 217
@216

1. If you're not capable of distinguishing from "why are you keeping x a secret" and "x is bad you should never do it! and you're bad and don't love me and are horrible if you do it!!!" then I can't help you.

2. So one second Dan is pointing out "that there were other possible interpretations" which is fine but when I point out another possible interpretation I'm "inventing whatever scenario pleases (me)". Ugh, please.
Posted by mydriasis on August 7, 2012 at 5:35 PM · Report this
218
@214: Oh for fuck's sake. The man used the word "berated." I expect that means he felt "berated" by his wife. And yes, getting berated by your wife for porn use is a very common scenario. You are seriously overthinking this.

Why on earth would someone write in saying, "Here's my scenario, what should I do about it?" knowing that the truth was something completely different? The result would be getting advice that completely does not apply to the actual situation. Complete waste of time. That's why I take him at face value: because otherwise I would be answering a different question than the one he asked.

If I have to choose between two potential unreliable narrators, it's a safe bet I will choose the letter writer's version of events over yours, because you weren't there at the time. It's not like he was claiming he was abducted by aliens. And it's not sexist to believe that his specific wife did what he specifically claimed she did, given that it is a very, very common attitude.

@215: What I think she should do is get her own account on the computer, so that she doesn't randomly notice when her husband deletes his browser history, and she therefore doesn't take it personally. By the way, she basically asked that he NOT delete his browser history, which would imply that she is asking to be exposed to all the porn sites he visited. Don't you think that would be considerably harder on her than a simple blank history, if porn is in fact hard on her psyche?

Again, my opinion in a nutshell is that the clearing of a browser cache is a complete non-event, and does not merit a discussion, let alone a berating.
Posted by avast2006 on August 7, 2012 at 5:55 PM · Report this
219
@217

1. If you're not capable of distinguishing "why are you keeping x a secret?" from "berating me for keeping x a secret" then I can't help you.

2. Dan addresses the most straightforward interpretation of the letter (i.e. the situation actually described in the letter) in the greatest length, while acknowledging that some other possibilities exist. You completely ignore what the letter actually says, and the likelihood of smut shaming, and invent all kinds of subtext to justify the wife's berating. There's a difference.
Posted by DrVanNostrand on August 7, 2012 at 6:02 PM · Report this
220
I've figured it out! It's all a grand analogy, isn't it? WHACK doesn't want to show his wife his browser history because, while he's sure there's nothing wrong with it, he's afraid she'll find something to pick at if she knew.

Romney doesn't want to show the public his tax returns because, while he's sure there's nothing wrong with them, he's afraid the dems will find something to pick at if they knew.

The dems/wife's argument is that if there's nothing to be ashamed of, you'll let us know. WHACK/Romney's argument is that there's nothing the matter so trust us, you shouldn't have to know.

It all comes down to what one considers to be shameful.
Posted by Crinoline on August 7, 2012 at 6:22 PM · Report this
221
Hello all of the "more computer literate than thou" posters. WHACK's problem is not his browser history. It's that his wife thinks she has some right to know what he's doing on the computer. That's overly invasive and controlling. He can look at porn if he (*&^ well pleases and she doesn't need to know or say anything about it. THAT's the problem to address - not the stupid browsing mode. And if he sets up private browsing, I predict his wife will demand access to some other part of his privacy. They need to address that issue between them.
Posted by GG1000 on August 8, 2012 at 7:05 AM · Report this
222
@220: Bwahahahaha! That was great.

I am also reminded of the countless letters that follow the pattern of "Dear Dan, I was briefly using my (someone)'s computer when I came across stuff in his/her history/autocomplete/etc., and now I'm completely freaked out. What should I do?"

The responses to those letters invariably contain many calls to "for god's sake will somebody discreetly teach that idiot to clear his cache?"

Letter Writer is not in the wrong for clearing his cache.
Posted by avast2006 on August 8, 2012 at 10:34 AM · Report this
223
@218 I love how taking a few minutes to offer a counter narrative of how porn affects women to balance the unrelenting "men need porn" narrative earns me a "for fuck sake" for "over thinking". Fantastic. Men watch porn. Women feel shitty about that. The intellectually honest thing is to admit that both are true, like it or not. The dishonest, intellectually lazy thing to do is to minimize/ignore/demonize the woman's perspective and anyone making an attempt to represent that perspective. Congratulations, you've very efficiently shown your intellectual laziness and unwillingness to actually understand the relationship issue you are discussing at length. I can now comfortably tune you out.
Posted by wxPDX on August 8, 2012 at 8:41 PM · Report this
224
It should have said "most men watch..." "most women feel..." . No need for false generalizations to make my point.
Posted by wxPDX on August 8, 2012 at 8:42 PM · Report this
225
@223: I was talking about the experience of the Letter Writer, not the world at large. Myd is the one who seems hell-bent on making the point that it can't have been reasonable for Letter Writer to have felt berated, or that his wife couldn't possibly have actually meant what she said in a berating fashion.

I'd say you comfortably tuned me out before you ever started reading, because what you seem to have read bears very little resemblance to what I wrote.
Posted by avast2006 on August 9, 2012 at 1:25 PM · Report this
226
@220 Crinoline: Thank you for the spot on analysis, and another good reason NOT to vote for Shitt Romney!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 11, 2012 at 1:59 AM · Report this
227
Chick-fellate is a natural. How did we not see it before?
Posted by Teddifish on August 15, 2012 at 3:51 PM · Report this
228
Disagree with Dan re:The Strap On.
And suspect this is an area he doesn't have much experience with.

Lets posit that not all lesbians use strap on's. Correct?

Of those that do, there are people with kinks for *using* a strap on - these people usually have their own, or are still developing their kink. These are the people that Dan was thinking of.

Then, there are the people with kinks for being *fucked* with a strap on, like your writer - and these people should have their own!

If their partner likes using a strap on so much that they become one of the people in the top category? Then they can get their own damn strap on.
Even more common, they get their own harness - the dildo itself, is usually interchangeable.

There is no point buying a new harness and dildo for every new girlfriend, when they may not ever use it with their new partners.

Further, with penetrative sex toys, even used with a condom for hygiene, the sex etiquette I've always known, is that the penetrative toy stays with the 'penetratee'. Way less mess, and fuss.
The actual dildo is usually bought according to whether it gets the penetratee off or not. If it's the wrong shape, a dildo will not get me off. What is the point in the dildo going off with the partner who isn't on the receiving end?

Further example, most of the guys who I've gone out with, who have enjoyed being pegged, *owned their own strap on*, ie adjustable harness and dildo.
And that is what I used on them.

Most lesbians I've gone out with, or know, who really liked fucking others with a strap on, had a harness that was non-adjustable, or was permanently adjusted to their settings.

STRAP - get your own adjustable harness and dildo, make it clear they are yours, and enjoy.
More...
Posted by sangrail on August 20, 2012 at 7:53 PM · Report this

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