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Girl Power

August 15, 2012

I've been confused about my sexuality for two years. I am a 22-year-old female. I liked guys when I was in school, but then, in perhaps the most stereotypical of fashions, I developed a HUGE crush on Tegan and Sara when I was nearly 20. I like the idea of being with women, but I have never had a major crush on anyone since. So I'm really confused over what my sexual orientation actually is. I know many hetero-identifying people experience same-sex crushes, but can someone's whole sexual orientation just change overnight? My confusion is compounded by the fact that I've never even held someone's hand, been kissed, or done anything else. I really want to experience such things, have an awesome relationship, and generally just stop feeling like a complete loser. Any help appreciated!

Awfully Nervous Over Newness

"When I was young, I dated boys," said Tegan Quin, one half of the popular indie duo that prompted you to question your sexuality. "I never thought about love or being 'in love.' And I never thought about sexuality. I was lucky to have a group of friends much more interested in each other than dating. And so I was fairly untroubled about my status. Until I kissed a girl. Then I knew who I really was. I was gay."

Oh, hey, I hope you don't mind that I shared your letter with Tegan and Sara, ANON. I figured you might appreciate getting some advice directly from your potentially life-altering crush.

Like you, ANON, Tegan used to assume she was straight.

"I'd gone most of my teens crushing on guys like Jared Leto, thinking that must make me straight," says Tegan. "Even though secretly I was dreaming of make-outs with Claire Danes. I thought my crush on Jared Leto vetoed my secret girl crush on Claire Danes. Maybe that was society weighing down on me. Perhaps it was peer pressure keeping me inside the lines of heterosexuality. Or, likely, I just liked them both."

Based on your letter, ANON, Tegan suspects that you might like both.

"Sexuality is not hard lines," says Tegan. "It's not black and white. Not for all of us, anyway. Some people know their whole lives who they are. Some people don't. My advice: Go and kiss a girl, go and hold a boy's hand. Don't worry about who you are until you find out what you like. Maybe you'll like both—and yay if that's the way it turns out, because that means you have twice as many people to fall in love with."

And while Tegan doesn't think a person's sexuality can change overnight, she believes—she knows from personal experience—that a person's awareness of their sexuality can change overnight. "You can have an awakening," says Tegan. "Like I did when I first kissed a girl. A whole new world can absolutely be waiting for you if you end up feeling up to exploring it. Good luck!"

Tegan and Sara's newest album is Get Along, and they're about to embark on a tour of North America. For info, tour dates, music, merch, and more, go to

I'm a twentysomething professional snowboarder. I have a problem that I don't really have anybody to talk to about. When I jerk it, I have to put a finger in my asshole to finish. Plain and simple, that's the only way I can come. I've tried to learn to come without the finger, but I can never reach climax. I can't even come in a girl's pussy without sneaking a finger in my back door. I go to great lengths to hide it—push her head in a pillow, etc.—because I don't want them to think I'm gay. (I have no problem with other people being gay, just FYI. It's just that you do not want snowboard groupies thinking you're gay. Girls talk, and then you never get laid again and all of your bros find out you're sticking things up your butt.) This letter is actually time sensitive. I'm pretty distraught that last night one of my regular chicks saw me do it! Today she won't return my texts. I want to convince her I was scratching an itch or something. I'm worried it might already be out there that I'm "gay." How do I learn to come without prostate stimulation?

Butt-Using Manly Man Entirely Distressed

I get a dozen letters a week from girls whose boyfriends "can't come." These girls tell me that their boyfriends get hard and stay hard and seem to enjoy fucking them—and fucking 'em and fucking 'em—but no matter how long their boyfriends fuck 'em, their boyfriends never climax. Invariably, these girls ask me if their boyfriends are gay.

Because otherwise they would come during straight sex, right?

Your letter made me wonder how many of these girls are dating guys like you, BUMMED. That is, guys who need a poke in the prostate in order to come but either haven't figured that out yet or know it but don't wanna risk it in front of their girlfriends because their girlfriends might think they were gay if they did that. But their girlfriends think they're gay anyway—because they're not poking and not coming.

So it looks like you're damned if you do, BUMMED, and damned if you don't. Stick a finger in your butt and come, and your girlfriend—excuse me, your groupiefriend—might think you're "gay." Don't stick a finger in your butt and don't come, and your groupiefriend might think you're "gay."

A few practical suggestions: Get a butt plug. It's a butt toy that your sphincter muscles hold in place—picture a small lava lamp that fits in your ass—and once you get it in, BUMMED, it won't slip out. Provided your groupiefriends aren't touching your asshole or looking directly at it, they won't even know it's there. And a butt plug might help you break the strong mental association you've made between finger-in-hole and climaxing. A few dozen look-ma-no-finger-in-hole orgasms, courtesy of a butt plug, might help you transition to look-ma-nothing-in-hole orgasms.

Get a girlfriend. I'm not a noted proponent of monogamous coupling—go ahead and google me—so please don't dismiss this as standard-issue advice-professional moralizing. But you might benefit from opening up to one person, someone you can trust with your secret—that will require an investment of time and emotional energy, however. But the payoff could be huge. Imagine having sex with someone you didn't have to hide from, BUMMED, someone who you didn't have to worry about judging you because she understood.

Get over yourself. You're a heterosexual guy who needs to be on the receiving end of a little heterosexual anal play during heterosexual sex in order to get off heterosexually. There are lots of straight guys like you out there. Your sexuality isn't the problem; your need for prostate stimulation isn't the problem. The problem is your shame and your desire to hide this aspect of your sexuality from your groupies and your bros. You may not be gay, BUMMED, but you do need to come out.

DEAR READERS: David Rakoff died last week. He was a writer, a contributor to This American Life, and an all-around spectacular human being. His books—Half Empty, Don't Get Too Comfortable, and Fraud—are terrific. If you haven't read David's books, please read them now. My heart goes out to David's family and to his countless friends. To get an idea of how many lives David touched, spend some time at

@fakedansavage on Twitter


Comments (167) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
whooooaaaaa! first?
Posted by iamthiswoman on August 14, 2012 at 6:31 PM · Report this
wowzers. after all these years of reading this and i am first :)
Posted by iamthiswoman on August 14, 2012 at 6:32 PM · Report this
Ugh. BUTT PLAY IS NOT GAY, people! If it was, straight girls and lesbians and straight guys and people who identify as anything but gay men wouldn't do it. We have some straight boys to educate!
Posted by g_l_B_t on August 14, 2012 at 6:59 PM · Report this
P.S. I'd be happy to have that boy over to my place and peg the living hell out of him. No "oh, I guess I had an itch" bullshit required.
Posted by g_l_B_t on August 14, 2012 at 7:02 PM · Report this
Posted by Hunter78 on August 14, 2012 at 7:11 PM · Report this
smajor82 6
I for one, stick a finger in my ass when I masturbate - not because I have to, but because it makes it so much more enjoyable. It's not like only gay men get off on having their prostate stimulated.

Posted by smajor82 on August 14, 2012 at 7:26 PM · Report this
I go to great lengths to hide it—push her head in a pillow, etc.

Dang. Why would anyone not return your texts after such obviously fine bedly behavior? It's a first-class mystery.
Posted by Eirene on August 14, 2012 at 7:28 PM · Report this
"I want to convince her I was scratching an itch or something."

Because that would be totally sweet if she thinks he has pin worms.

Posted by inbed on August 14, 2012 at 7:52 PM · Report this
glbt @4

I'll bet he would never agree to that. A little finger up the ass while he is fucking a girl is one thing. But pegging, now THAT would be gayer than a french horn!

Posted by lmsh on August 14, 2012 at 8:27 PM · Report this
I sometimes enjoy having a butt plug in when I masturbate. It works for women, too.

The bit about girls whose boyfriends keep fucking and fucking like the energizer bunny made me laugh. When my husband gets in that I can fuck forever mode, and I'm more than ready for him to be done, I slip a finger in his ass. Finishes him off every time.

So we both like a little ass play. I'm pretty sure neither of us is gay.
Posted by catballou on August 14, 2012 at 8:28 PM · Report this
Some gay/bi guys do not like anything in our butts. Not fingers, not tongues, not butt plugs, not yours and not mine. That does not make us straight :).

@2 -- almost. :-)

@Dan -- more of your vacation pics on SLOG, please!
Posted by delta35 on August 14, 2012 at 8:29 PM · Report this
Wow, he got the girl's famous crush to respond? I hope she's thrilled and not mortified, but I'm leaning more towards thinking she's thrilled....I hope. Dan personally knows my big celebrity crush (a certain comical fake tv conservative pundit) so maybe someday I'll get my letter tossed out to him for an opinion. I happen to think Teagan gave wonderful advice! I already love her music and now I know why.

My boyfriend hates his prostate touched. I forget that it's a thing with guys, but I would never think it was fact I think my boyfriend is a little weird! ;)
Posted by PremiumSaltine on August 14, 2012 at 8:31 PM · Report this
mydriasis 13


That first letter/response was adorbz, I must add. I also quite enjoy Tegan and Sara but my girlcrush is Aubrey Plaza all the way. I want to make sarcastic babies with her.
Posted by mydriasis on August 14, 2012 at 8:36 PM · Report this
I want to tag-team Aubrey Plaza and Chris Pratt. You have to know April and Andy are the SWINGIN'EST couple in Pawnee.
Posted by Pope Buck I on August 14, 2012 at 8:58 PM · Report this
22 y/o and never been kissed. This sounds like a more serious problem than the adoring and/or cute way Dan handled this. I assume he is trying to promote some gay singer or other and always thought that was in poor taste- promoting people just because they share your sexual functions? So it is OK if I only promote singers who are straight and only because they are straight? Didn't think so. Great advice to the letter writer anyway.

As long as I am grumping about the gays in this response then a pox on your house in the second letter for taking most of the butt play. Straight guys also have a prostate- who knew?
Posted by Professor on August 14, 2012 at 9:32 PM · Report this
Crap you can't edit when your stoned. I got it- Dan used the singer because that was the 'crush' she was questioning her sexuality about. OK, it is still ridiculous- she questions her sexuality over some singer? However it is certainly not Dan being ridiculous. He is so sweet to this confused little creature. My 6 year old learned on family guy the simple truth:
Meg: I thought being gay wasn't a choice." Lesbian Teen: Well not for guys."
Posted by Professor on August 14, 2012 at 10:00 PM · Report this
hola soy gay y quiero tener una relacion y enamorarme pero es muy dificil por que lo unico que provoco es sexo casual y no se como hacer para revertir tal situacion y siento que estoy perdiendo gran tiempo de mi vida intentando buscar al amor que en diferentes momentos logro deprimirme por tal situacion quiero enamorarme no solo sexo...
Posted by ale-jdeandes on August 14, 2012 at 11:58 PM · Report this
MythicFox 18
Honestly, I think Dan could have saved a lot of time by limiting his response to BUMMED to just that last paragraph.
Posted by MythicFox on August 15, 2012 at 1:10 AM · Report this
[Maybe you'll like both—and yay if that's the way it turns out, because that means you have twice as many people to fall in love with.]

That may get the biggest LMB I have bestowed since devising the acronym. It takes all my restraint to remember the circumstances and consider allowing the performer in question a mulligan after such biprimacism.

With numerous good reasons to cheer a bisexual identity, she has to resort to that clunker, which, if we recall the hypothetical room with 200 people from a month or two ago, isn't even accurate (unless, of course, she is advocating falling in love across orientational barriers)? I'll be inclusive and change the composition from 90S/10G to 85S/5B/5G/5A, which preserves the proportions of 9/10 and 1/10 being inclined beneficially towards a new bisexual entrant (not to suggest that the B/G/A proportions are equal, but this is a small sample size and I want to keep simple ratios), then a bisexual person will run into approximate ratios of 10:9 and 10:1, neither of which bears much resemblance to "twice as many".
Posted by vennominon on August 15, 2012 at 4:39 AM · Report this
@12 Hey, PremiumSaltine, get in line! I get first dibs on fake pundit!
Posted by Marrena on August 15, 2012 at 4:43 AM · Report this
@19: Technically, Tegan is correct. She said twice as many people to fall in love with. She didn't say that love was likely to be returned.
Posted by biggie on August 15, 2012 at 5:03 AM · Report this
Doesn't anyone else think Bummed's letter sounds like a classic fake?
Posted by unsash on August 15, 2012 at 5:33 AM · Report this
11-Delta-- Brilliant. I couldn't have put it better.

For BUMMED-- Of all the quirks that might put a woman off, yours is totally benign. You're not asking her to do anything she might find distasteful. You're not demanding role play. You're not dependent on her reaction. You're not withholding anything that she likes. You're just doing something to yourself, and even there, it's only briefly. I suppose a woman might object since it's always possible that someone will object to something, but I can't figure out why she would. The chances are excellent that she's already run into some sexual practice that she thinks is much worse.

I suppose I disagree a little with Dan. He's suggesting that a regular girlfriend is in order because it means you could open up to her. I'd say it doesn't matter. You could open up to any of the women you're having sex with anyway. They could gossip because people do gossip, but I can't see that it matters much. Your secret isn't that big a deal.

The thing I'm wondering about is what's a professional snowboarder. People pay for that?
Posted by Crinoline on August 15, 2012 at 5:40 AM · Report this
I was initially surprised that in 2012 even super-hetero-homophobic 20-something snowboarder groupies would be so backwards as to associate ass play with sexual orientation...

but just was looking at Davey Wavey's incredible youtube channel and for some reason youtube recommended a 2010 DaveyWaveyRaw video for me -- the one where he was called a faggot by a NYC street cleaner. And the homophobic troll comments are *still* pouring in on that one

And guess how the comments are presently running this week -- homophobic hater trolls associating interest in ass play, giving or receiving, with being gay! Guess this meme is not going to go away anytime soon.

DaveyWaveyRaw "Called a Faggot by Strangers":…
Posted by delta35 on August 15, 2012 at 5:44 AM · Report this
@19: yes, bi people do fall in love "across orientational barriers".

But why are you labeling a mixed-orientation relationship as a barrier?

The more important issue, as with any relationship, is whether the two people are aligned- or non-aligned on monogamy, which is not necessarily more of an issue for a mixed-orientation relationship than same-orientation relationship, nor with a partner who is bi vs. other orientations.

Please consider dropping the term "barrier" as a blanket description for bi/non-bi relationships.

Barrier is more fitting (and even then, not necessarily) when referring to cross-species relationships with a fictional immortal omnisexual like Captain Jack...…
Posted by delta35 on August 15, 2012 at 5:57 AM · Report this
@12 & 20: Surely there's enough pundit to go around. How about a nice foursome? And can he wear the naval admiral's outfit he's been wearing for Stephest Colbchella?
Posted by DrReality on August 15, 2012 at 6:23 AM · Report this
@26 I can share. :)
Posted by PremiumSaltine on August 15, 2012 at 6:56 AM · Report this
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say their may be more to BUMMED than meets the brown-eye.

Granted, kink cards don't need to be played with every random. But somehow I doubt liking to have his asshole tickled is going to kill his chances with the snowboard groupie set if it gets out.

But worrying your that your bros might think your gay? Sounds a little gay to me TBH...

Posted by stormcrow on August 15, 2012 at 7:02 AM · Report this
So did Dan split his paycheck with Tegan this week?
Posted by wayne on August 15, 2012 at 7:02 AM · Report this
Okay. I need to know: how the hell, @10, do you reach around to casually slip a finger in his ass without contorting yourself? Are my arms and fingers abnormally short? Is there an optimal position? Don't you get shit on your fingers? That would be my concern as the person being fucked by BUMMED: now your finger smells like shit!! Ew!! Clearly the assplay I've been involved in has been anticipated and cleaned up prior (and terrific that way, I might add).
Posted by Funky Monkey on August 15, 2012 at 7:20 AM · Report this
willendorf 31
I didn't know David Rakoff was also a visual artist (although his illustrations for "Fraud" should have given me a clue). Thanks for sharing that tumblr, Dan.
Posted by willendorf on August 15, 2012 at 8:10 AM · Report this
AFinch 32
Snowboarder dude is no fool - it's not so much homophobia as fear of inadequacy, but IMHO, straight girls are the biggest enforcers of 'gender normative' behavior and receptive anal play - even just one finger, like the old one drop rule - is the sine qua non of "he wants to be the receiver".

I'm sorry, this is not considered benign - maybe the ladies here on slog (rightly) see it as normal and completely benign, but they aren't a representative sample.
Posted by AFinch on August 15, 2012 at 8:32 AM · Report this
Hi. I too like some manual digital manipulation of my own, but I prefer using a vinyl glove to do that. It's smooth and clean. I don't need to tweak my prostate all of the time. Just once in a while (not that any of yas asked! lol;) ) . I have an aversion to getting doody fingers, even if it's my own. I wouldn't stress it too much, BUMMED. You like what you like. Hopefully, whoever you're with is on your wavelength enough to accept it and to help out if need be.
Posted by 101% on August 15, 2012 at 8:40 AM · Report this
@26 Did you see the dressage breeches? When he was prancing around with that horse head I was thinking it was apt.
Posted by Marrena on August 15, 2012 at 9:28 AM · Report this
And this is the real difference between the good advice columnists and the hacks.

Lesser columnists would say, "Oh no, your fellow snowboarders shouldn't believe that needing anal stimulation makes you gay. Just explain it to them." It like saying, "People who beat you up aren't your friends." It's TRUE, but it doesn't HELP. No one's going to change their minds just because they're wrong.

Whereas Mr. Savage offers BUMMED not only reassurance but also two different sets of actions he can take to solve his problem. Darn but that's why I read this thing.
Posted by DRF on August 15, 2012 at 9:41 AM · Report this
@30 In an earlier column, Mr. Savage said (to a gay man) that "stinky finger" could be solved by slipping a condom on said finger beforehand.
Posted by DRF on August 15, 2012 at 9:46 AM · Report this
@32 Chime on the straight women. However, the dude could totally do what lots and lots of other dudes do - he could own his sexual needs and say fuck off/grow up to the ladies who don't get it.

Most of the time that's not a good response, but a case like this is the exception. It isn't a complicated problem, and I'd bet some of their enforcement of "norms" comes from ignorance of the diversity of sexuality. But if he just says that's the way he's going to roll, I'm sure most of them will roll with it as well.
Posted by sahara29 on August 15, 2012 at 9:56 AM · Report this
As a straight girl, I'm pleasantly surprised when a guy asks for some anal action (fingering or rimming-never received pegging requests). It shows that he's less uptight about sex and more likely to give me what I want (also usually anal action). However, shoving my head in a pillow-shoving my head anywhere-is a no go. If a guy shoved my head around, I wouldn't respond to his texts either.
Posted by Straights For Ansl Action on August 15, 2012 at 10:12 AM · Report this
Funky Monkey @30, I'm like you. I often find myself trying to get a finger in when we're in missionary, but I can't reach far enough around. Maybe we have short arms. People have recommended cowgirl and reverse cowgirl as good positions for a finger up the guy's butt. (Also works with BJs :-)
Posted by EricaP on August 15, 2012 at 10:28 AM · Report this
@7: Yeah, I was thinking the same thing. Maybe she isn't returning your texts because you tried to asphyxiate her with a pillow.
Then she only found out what you were doing when she came up gasping for air. From her perspective it probably looks like you are trying to hide her (female) face so you can get off on your private (male) fantasy.

If any of your groupie/girlfriends think it's weird, tell her about all the female commenters on Savage Love who swear up and down that they've never come so hard as they did with that extra finger, and then offer to try it on her.
Posted by avast2006 on August 15, 2012 at 11:24 AM · Report this
Tegan & Sara crusher: Tegan is so right, sexuality is not black and white! When I was very young, my first sexual attraction was to female bodies- but as I grew older and had crush on boy after boy, I got so confused because I wanted to have relationships with boys but I really really wanted to have sex with girls. It's ok to have both! It's ok to have sex with everyone, every gender and body type, and to identify however you want to. You can be a lesbian who has sex with boys, or straight person who has sex with girls. You can be bi. I myself like to identify as just "sexual" because trying to assign a gender to my attraction is just too... complicated.
Posted by Kitten Karlyle on August 15, 2012 at 11:26 AM · Report this
Ms Delta - You picked up on what Ms Biggie missed (as I covered her point), but you misread the post. I have nothing in particular against mixed-orientation relationships, and, if you do the math, you'll see I included them. A bisexual woman entering the room of 200 people as I configured it (more or less along the lines of the debate from a month or two ago) would have for the purposes of reciprocal attraction a pool of 100 from which to draw - 85 straight men + 5 bisexual men + 5 bisexual women + 5 lesbian women. A straight woman would have a pool of 90 and a lesbian woman 10, hence my ratios of 10:9 and 10:1. I was not speaking of matching orientations but compatible ones. And, if we can be completely silly and remove selection from consideration, that would leave our hypothetical bisexual woman with a 90% chance of a mixed-orientation relationship, which I'd not describe as a barrier but as a potential hurdle, taking as an example the Podcast call this week in which the caller's bisexual girlfriend insisted that his cheating with a woman was more threatening than her cheating with a woman. Not insurmountable.

What I call a barrier would be a woman of any persuasion falling in love with someone genuinely not attracted to women (removing those who mispresent themselves, accidentally or otherwise). Granted, there are blue moon exceptions, but one wouldn't recommend setting out in search of one.
Posted by vennominon on August 15, 2012 at 11:27 AM · Report this
geoz 43
Ditto #32. Straight women re-enforce the norm as much as anyone.
Posted by geoz on August 15, 2012 at 11:36 AM · Report this
For both letters, it always boils down to me, can't people just be sexual? I mean really???? I guarantee you, that at any given moment in time, with the right person, you would be surprised what you might do. It's your life, don't let others define who you are or what you should like. Many woman can't orgasm with just a penis humping inside her. Maybe she needs a vibe on her clit or her ass spanked. How is that any different than a guy who needs his ass fingered, his nipples kissed, or his balls smacked. As long as it is safe, fun, and consensual.........have at it!!!!!!!! Enjoy yourself for once in your life, you have less time than you may think.
Posted by Bondsman51 on August 15, 2012 at 11:37 AM · Report this
Ms Biggie - Technically possible, but I thank you, for now I feel like Elizabeth Bennet when Jane suggests that Charlotte's accepting Mr Collins' proposal might have been based on regard and esteem - if I really believed that to be her meaning, I should only think worse of her understanding than I now do of her heart.

Had she said "crush on" instead of "fall in love with" I'd have had internal quibbles about biprimacy (and I lost sleep debating among several terms), but probably not enough to post. I'm willing to give her a mulligan, but I don't expect much to come of it.
Posted by vennominon on August 15, 2012 at 11:53 AM · Report this
nocutename 46
@44-I agree. Most of these problems boil down to labeling issues. Either a person doesn't know how to label herself, or is afraid of how he'll be labeled by others. Orientation, gender, kink, fetish, so many of the problems related to all these concepts seem to stem from a need on our own and others' behalf to name and identify, rather than to simply exist and experience. Even most of those of us who are accepting of many kinds of labels often feel uncomfortable if no label is allowed.

This story really gets to the heart of it. The most remarkable and impressive thing in this article is how at age 8, and even 10, the kids are so comfortable, aware, articulate, and unashamed of who they are. it's the adults who want to put them in categories or in a shame-filled or traumatic closet. I wish we all had such self-possession. I hope they never lose theirs.…
Posted by nocutename on August 15, 2012 at 12:35 PM · Report this
it makes such a big difference when dan himself is answering! they should simply suspend savage love when dan's vacationing.
Posted by fahima on August 15, 2012 at 12:55 PM · Report this
samanthaf63 48
#47 - No way!

I agree, Dan is our First Dude of Love and Sex Advice, but it's sort of nice to read a different point of view - especially since we frequently get to hear bits of these folks when they hit the podcast. It's nice to get more information from them when they substitute.
Posted by samanthaf63 on August 15, 2012 at 1:33 PM · Report this
Auragasm 49
#32, If not for Savage Love I think would be terribly uneducated about gender dynamics in the bedroom. I think people, male and female, are better for reading it, and I refer friends when I can.

#38, Agreed, I find guys who let you play with their butts are less likely to spring "surprise buttsex" (of the unlubricated sort) on you. Guys unwilling to take it slow guard their own buttholes like Fort Knox! It's all about empathy, dudes!
Posted by Auragasm on August 15, 2012 at 1:43 PM · Report this

Bi/non-bi isn't a barrier. A bi male and a straight female may pair just fine.

But bi-interested-in-straight-member-of-same-gender or bi-interested-in-gay-member-of-opposite-gender are definitely barriers.

So while bi people double the number of people they could fall in love with, they do not double the number of people they can have reciprocal relationships with. The numbers, assuming 80% straight, 10% bi, 10% gay (this is meant to be illustrative, not accurate) are:

Straight: Attracted to 50% of population, relationships with 45% of population.
Gay: Attracted to 50% of the population, relationships with 5% of the population.
Bi: Attracted to 50% of the population, relationships with 50% of the population.
Posted by biggie on August 15, 2012 at 2:07 PM · Report this
Dan is such a cool guy. The first letter is answered by a crush and the second letter is answered much more nicely than any douche like the LW deserves. (Methinks Dan is more gracious toward the boys he'd like to bugger.)
Posted by repete on August 15, 2012 at 2:21 PM · Report this
I highly recommend David Heatley's graphic novel "My Brain is Hanging Upside Down" (Fantagraphics) David illustrates his ENTIRE sexual history in tiny panels and it is funny, moving and awesome. And though Heatley identifies straight (he has a wife and kids) he cops to finger-in-the-butt in a big way.

This isn't really an obscure book either - David has at least one New Yorker cover that I know of.
Posted by blue florida on August 15, 2012 at 2:32 PM · Report this
I highly recommend David Heatley's graphic novel "My Brain is Hanging Upside Down" (Fantagraphics) David illustrates his ENTIRE sexual history in tiny panels and it is funny, moving and awesome. And though Heatley identifies straight (he has a wife and kids) he cops to finger-in-the-butt in a big way.

This isn't really an obscure book either - David has at least one New Yorker cover that I know of.
Posted by blue florida on August 15, 2012 at 2:34 PM · Report this
Rest in peace, David Rakoff!
Excellent advice for BUMMED!

@53: I'd be curious to read David Heatley's novel!
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 15, 2012 at 2:57 PM · Report this
Trinabeana 55
I'm so sad about David Rackoff's passing. Thanks for letting us know, Dan.
Posted by Trinabeana on August 15, 2012 at 3:14 PM · Report this
Trinabeana 56
Sigh. I'm such a fan, I misspelled his name. *Rakoff. While I'm here correcting myself, thank you for all you do, Dan. Humanity may be getting stupider, but not if you can help it.
Posted by Trinabeana on August 15, 2012 at 3:17 PM · Report this
So, BUMMED... I'm a twenty-something professional skiier. I understand the gossipy nature around ski hills. I get it that the cliques are hard to break into. I get the judgement and immaturity that occurs. I'm also gay, and completely out. Let me tell you - it's never been a problem, because I own it, I'm honest about it, and I treat others with respect. I don't try to be the cool guy - I just be myself. And guess what? People respect me for that. The homophobic comments you hear around a ski hill are all pretty baseless and representative of a lack of intelligence and vocabulary skills amongst your peers than an underlying homophobia. So own it. Don't be afraid to admit what gets you off. Say it with a cheeky smile, and challenge others to try it. They'll act disgusted, but I guarantee several of them will go and try it.
Posted by gavvvy on August 15, 2012 at 5:33 PM · Report this
@46 At ages eight and ten, kids are also unashamed of treating their fellows like dirt. Adults may categorize them, but they also teach them not to impose their sexual behavior on others (when they can be convinced to drop their blinders and see that that's what the little darlings are doing). Now if we could teach kids to be civilized while teaching them that cruelty is what they should really be ashamed of...
Posted by DRF on August 15, 2012 at 5:58 PM · Report this
Guys like to look at girls. That's why pornography.

Posted by Hunter78 on August 15, 2012 at 6:03 PM · Report this
nocutename 60
@58: I don't see what your response has to do with the New York Times article I linked to. The issue was with labeling gender as well as orientation.

@59: Did I miss something? Did you? Is there anything in this week's letters about "why pornography?"
Posted by nocutename on August 15, 2012 at 6:24 PM · Report this
Here reading and lusting over all skier/skater/snowboarder boys with fingers in bums, on girl, on own, on boy....

Thanks for the dreams fellas...

I think if I spent less time wanking and more time on the slopes I would probably be a much better skier:)
Posted by actionsportsbetterthanolympics on August 15, 2012 at 7:11 PM · Report this
Ms Cute - You know as well as I do that erasing all the labels ends up meaning that the dominant label wins and wins big by becoming the default nonlabel.

For instance, I can admire the spirit of Ms Karlyle's post (even without counting the points I must give her for sharing the name of my late cat; he lived up to the name quite well and had very much the temperament of an Opera singer), I must hope that her Utopia doesn't become officially postgay, as Postgay, however grand it may seem while it's still in the box, always ends up defaulting back to Presumed Heterosexuality - every, every time.
Posted by vennominon on August 15, 2012 at 8:51 PM · Report this
nocutename 63
Mr. Ven, I don't know that we should aim for erasing all the labels (I concede your point), but I think that the anxiety that the labels produce (Oh no, does this make me gay? But I thought I was gay!) is at the heart of so many of these problems, and it sometimes seems that if we could aim more for description rather than prescription, we'd be better off as a species.

I will grant you that it's not terribly productive, but just think if the first letter writer could focus on her desire for intimacy, romance, connection, and sex instead of adding "am I straight or bi or even a lesbian?" into the mix. It seems that her real issue is contained in the first part, not the "what is my orientation; why do I have a crush on this singer?" part. Or what if the second letter writer didn't worry about being thought gay and could be able to just say to future sex partners: "hey, I really like it when you stick a finger up my anus."

Your last phrase, "every, every time," is the last phrase of my all-time favorite novel, "The Pursuit of Love," by Nancy Mitford. Knowing some of your literary tastes, I wonder if it was deliberate or accidental.
Posted by nocutename on August 15, 2012 at 9:44 PM · Report this
Snow boarder dude has given me an interesting idea. I think next time I am fucking my wife from behind, I might try sticking my finger up my arsehole to see how it feels. I reckon there's a 20% chance I'll either come much faster than usual or she'll comment on how hard I get. Sounds interesting either way. Yeah I've tried the finger up the bum while wanking, but its not massively exciting, although slightly interesting. Also I'm pretty sure I'm not gay - might be about 10% bi I suppose. Also I'm pretty sure I'm 99% monogamous.
Posted by hetboywithaboner on August 16, 2012 at 4:52 AM · Report this
Ms Cute - I'll agree there are certainly times to ignore or at least avoid concern with labels.

It was a deliberate selection, but, as there didn't seem to be any connection to the letter, there seemed little point in making it explicitly clear. Perhaps, though, the LW might be inclined to take the Bolter for a role model.
Posted by vennominon on August 16, 2012 at 7:15 AM · Report this
Robin8 66
@venomminon? Ever take the Myers-Briggs test? I'm guessing you're an offscale P.
Posted by Robin8 on August 16, 2012 at 7:21 AM · Report this
AFinch 67
@37 - Yeah, he can "own it" like @57 - and I think @57 probably helps break down the walls or whatever. The thing is, really, at the end of the day, what does @57 care if the straight chicks aren't interested in him anymore?

@38 -it's a treat to find girls like you!

I think the older - more mature - men and women get, the easier it is for them to be comfortable with stepping a bit out of their norms. BUMMED is just unfortunate to be in a tight-knit, insular community of immature youngsters!

Really, at this point, @BUMMED, the best thing you can do is 'own it' and hope that your self-confident lack of shame helps open the minds of those young 20-somethings. Self-confidence is a huge turn on, right?
Posted by AFinch on August 16, 2012 at 7:29 AM · Report this
xjuan 68
Dan, as many other sexual educators are some sort of Apostoles of our time, offering the world an open and fresh view of sexuality. This forum is, in itself, proof of the immense need for appropriate and useful information and the urgency for activists of sexual freedom, ownership and responsibility. I'm glad I live to deal with my own conflicts and have the chance to confront them and get to enjoy what I really need. I know today it's easier than before, but there's still so much to do. BUMMED's question is a perfect example: all parts of the human body are permitted, none is forbidden. A finger up your ass does not define you as gay. Still, plenty of people still believe so. Ask his groupies. He should feel free to enjoy his orgasms the way he wants to but his peers seem to think otherwise. This is the sad part of the story. I guess that we will continue to gain terrain for free, honest sexual expressions but there's still a lot of work to do.
Posted by xjuan on August 16, 2012 at 8:09 AM · Report this
nocutename 69
Mr. Ven, I have always taken either the Bolter, Lord Merlin, or Davy as my role models.
Posted by nocutename on August 16, 2012 at 9:20 AM · Report this
nocutename 70
I was a lass of 19 the first time a man asked me to insert a finger in his anus during sex. I didn't for one minute wonder if he was gay. I wondered if I could reach around and do it, and I wondered if my finger would get too dirty. But gay? Even in those long-ago, unenlightened times, I knew that that being gay is not about what sex acts you enjoy, but rather who you want to do them with.

Keep up the good work, Dan, but there appears to be so much that needs to be done.
Posted by nocutename on August 16, 2012 at 9:26 AM · Report this
muzyqman 71
I have to wonder what BUMMED would do if he ever found a girlfriend who was so open to different sexual activities that she would stick HER OWN finger up his ass and help him cum! Would he think she was a slut because she touched his ass, or would he have the sense to just thank whatever god or goddess sent him such a GGG partner?! Could it be that part of his problem is his need to label?
Posted by muzyqman on August 16, 2012 at 9:35 AM · Report this

There's always room for porn in Savage Love Land.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 16, 2012 at 4:40 PM · Report this
Here is some advise on discovering your sexuality. And that advise is..... Discover YOUR sexuality. I applaud the openness and acceptance these days but think WAY TOO MANY young people label themselves homosexual WAY TOO SOON.
I had had a a very fortunate sex life. Way more than a hundred lovers of both sexes but 90% heterosexual. Nevertheless, as a virgin I had two very passionate affairs and 45 years later (yes you heard that right) I am still friends with the woman who first seduced me. Nevertheless we have BOTH been married almost 40 years.
As a dancer I socialize with many college students and many of them identify as gay. Pleazze. When I was 20 I had no idea what my sexual orientation was but the thing is..... I didn't worry about it, I just DID IT!!! Still do. My last threesome was only a year or two ago. So stop worrying about it and join the fun.
Posted by tantragal on August 16, 2012 at 4:54 PM · Report this
Roma 74
I know many hetero-identifying people experience same-sex crushes,

I'm curious...does this, in fact, happen with "many" people? And, if so, is it just as common with males as it is with females? (My guess would be that it's more common with females.)


It's just that you do not want snowboard groupies thinking you're gay.

Oh, the problem of a young snowboarder: can get laid anytime he wants but can't divulge his finger-in-the-ass requirement to the groupies.

And why is it that some women conclude that a guy must be "secretly" gay if he likes his ass touched (or he likes anal sex)?
Posted by Roma on August 16, 2012 at 6:01 PM · Report this
mydriasis 75
@ Roma (74)

See my post at 13. ;)
(I am hetero-identified)
Posted by mydriasis on August 16, 2012 at 6:37 PM · Report this
nocutename 76
@Roma: Straight woman here. Never had a same-sex crush. Ever.

Here's an idea for BUMMED: if you're worried that some girl will spread gossip that you're gay and you'll never get laid again, that presumes you're not acting the sexual aggressor ever; you just sit back and wait to get hit on by female groupies. Why don't you pursue a woman or two yourself? If you are part of an insular snowboarding community, and people have witnessed you hitting on or hooking up with women, and have conversely never seen you with a man and no man is telling people about the hot date he had with you, I should think that people will come to the radical conclusion that you're secretly straight. If a girl that you've been with tells people that you must be secretly gay because you like a finger in your anus, someone is pretty sure to point out the obvious to her: that she--a girl--was having sex with you when she discovered this, and that no one can find a man who has had sex with you.
It sounds more as if it were you that is afraid having a finger in your anus means you must be gay.
Posted by nocutename on August 16, 2012 at 7:21 PM · Report this
For those who are worried about stinky fingers, and especially @ 36: Don't waste a condom on that. That's what finger cots are for.
Posted by KDru on August 16, 2012 at 7:25 PM · Report this
Ms Robin - You may be right, but I'll never know. I swore off psychological tests after my protacted battle against the therapeutic professions.

Ms Cute - I am much more a Sticker (and here's a good one; the younger brother of two of my high school pseudo-boyfriends has just set up an office on the ground floor of my building), but I can appreciate proper Bolters with good flair.
Posted by vennominon on August 16, 2012 at 7:59 PM · Report this
Thank you, @77, for the finger cots. Yes, I already have those for this express purpose. My bigger comment was more about how BUMMER likely wasn't using finger cots if he was sneaking around his back end on the down low. (And, @38: I wouldn't answer any texts either after being shoved into a pillow, that may be his biggest problem if he thinks that's okay.)

Additionally, if I am unanticipatedly looking for a way to heighten my partner's experience, finger cots may not be my answer. By fumbling around in my side drawer for my finger cot and lube, then fumbling around his body with my presumably extremely short arms, I will have actually caused the whole episode to grind to a disappointing halt.

And lastly: in high school this het woman had a very serious crush on an amazing female classmate.
Posted by Funky Monkey on August 16, 2012 at 8:15 PM · Report this
nocutename 80
Mr. Ven--what? This is the younger brother of 2 of your high-school boyfriends? You dated brothers?
Posted by nocutename on August 16, 2012 at 9:21 PM · Report this
"...You may not be gay, BUMMED, but you do need to come out."

THIS type of comment is the main reason I am a long-time Dan Savage fan.
Posted by capricornious on August 16, 2012 at 9:26 PM · Report this
Twenty years ago I had an eight months long relation with my first girlfriend. Being a virgin, I really wanted to embrace all the sexual experiences I could get with her. After seven months, one night she asked me to have a serious talk because she can not hide any longer that there was something missing in our fucking: I had never cum inside her vagina. I got angry, I finished our relationship, we were trying to "fix" it for a couple of years, and nothing... Semen wont come out.

My issue? I did not want to get her pregnant. I did not want to stay chained to her in case of an accident. I did not want to stay with someone that I was not 100% sure I want others to see next of me. She was not the girlfriend I always imagined I would like to have. I was a total jerk to her and paid for that, even after I move on to a new relation.

It could be not so much prostate-stimulating fingering, but also so much people around you whose opinion you are afraid of.

Instead of focusing on all of them, get a girl that you can care about her opinion only. And if her opinion is that your ass fingering is not a big deal, or it is but in a positive way, you are going to be OK. If it is not, move forward.

Or try a boyfriend... if everyone around you is so interested on what happens in your bed, let them jump in and help!

PD: try to replace the finger for a second groupie's tongue. It seems there are plenty available, and the gossip's impact could be favourable to so valuable sexual reputation.
Posted by Marito on August 16, 2012 at 9:49 PM · Report this
For ANON, I absolutely identify as straight but have had a couple girl crushes that made me wonder a little. I think my confirmation (aside from fucking boys rather than girls and liking it,) was fantasy. Who do you think about when you masturbate? Boys? Girls? Both? I think it can give a fairly definitive answer.

BUMMED could try stimulating his prostate by massaging (firmly) the area between his balls and his ass hole. I'm all for the grand coming out, but along with that, he could ask a girl (or groupie) to do the massage thing for him with considerably less squicky-ness on their part and have more fun ;) Works for my boyfriend!
Posted by mxw08 on August 17, 2012 at 3:59 AM · Report this
Readers of Savage Love are a community of people who have an above average interest in sex. But why do so many people who write comments experience so much bad sex? Is Savage Love just low-cost therapy?
Posted by Amos101 on August 17, 2012 at 7:25 AM · Report this
"But why do so many people who write comments experience so much bad sex?"

Little known fact: most comments are from 15 WoW addicts pretending to be 27 year old bisexual libertines.
Posted by Snowguy on August 17, 2012 at 7:56 AM · Report this
Snowboarders are the new fratboys, and those groupies have a really high place in your culture if you are scared they will tell yer boys about your freak streak. Very sound advice to stop exclusivly banging cum dumps.
Posted by Xam on August 17, 2012 at 9:23 AM · Report this
I LOVE anal play but American men are ALL too uptight to let me play with them. VERY frustrating.
Posted by koshkamat on August 17, 2012 at 2:03 PM · Report this
Ms Cute - Call it half-dated; that actually made brothers rather convenient. Quite a lot of my life would seem unrecognizable to most people, so many things twisted into different shapes.
Posted by vennominon on August 17, 2012 at 2:56 PM · Report this
nocutename 89
Mr. Ven--It doesn't sound so unrecognizable to me. I just wanted to make sure I understood what you were saying.
Posted by nocutename on August 17, 2012 at 5:14 PM · Report this
Roma 90
mydriasis & nocutename, thanks for your responses. I've no doubt that some straight (or, if one prefers, "hetero-identified") people have same-sex crushes. I'm just wondering if it's "many", as the LW said.
Posted by Roma on August 17, 2012 at 5:50 PM · Report this
@60 re @59: Ignore him. He's trolling.
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 17, 2012 at 6:30 PM · Report this
I just heard the weirdest thing--has anyone else heard this? By now I'm familiar with lots of the rumors about Paul Rynan's kinks, but this is hard for me to believe: Ryan likes to make bulimics, regardless of gender, vomit on him from him making them gag with his dick. Is this even at thing? Is it possible that a top level candidate can get elected if this is true?
Posted by JackyB on August 17, 2012 at 9:28 PM · Report this
mydriasis 93

I have good sex - no complaints here. Oh except I think I pulled something last night.
Posted by mydriasis on August 17, 2012 at 9:53 PM · Report this
mydriasis 94
@ 90

I consider myself "straight" (I can admit when I'm boring) if you're curious to know.

I wouldn't be surprised if it was 'many'. "Girlcrush" is a relatively well-known term, is it not? Anyway short of googling you a study (which I'm sure you could do yourself better than I could) I can only tell you my impression that it is indeed common. A lot of my friends have mentioned the same sort of thing. Other comments such as "I'd go gay for her/him" or "I'd go straight for her/him" also fly around from time to time.
Posted by mydriasis on August 17, 2012 at 9:57 PM · Report this
I'm a straight woman but I've had a few girl crushes before. In the words of Jenna Mourey from Youtube "girls are just majestic fucking creatures". :)

In fact, here's a great video on the subject:…

Heh. Total scissor sandwich level three girl crush on her. <3

Posted by Nixxy3 on August 18, 2012 at 4:00 AM · Report this
nocutename 96
Roma, I think the problem is semantic. If you watched the Jennamarbles video that #95 linked to, you'll see a range of ranked girl crushes. But most of them aren't sexual or romantic, just highly appreciative.

I can't speak for mydriasis and her friends, but the use of sexualized language to describe that kind of appreciation/admiration which females have always been encouraged and allowed to admit publicly to and for other females doesn't necessarily translate to a "crush" in the puppy-love/total infatuation/all-consuming thinking way that the word "crush" implies to some of us.

I think women and girls have always been more frank, honest, and upfront about being able to pronounce their opinions that another woman is beautiful or has a gorgeous body-part asset. If we're straight, I don't think we necessarily mean we want to have sex with that woman. So maybe this is a confusion that stems from nomenclature.
Posted by nocutename on August 18, 2012 at 10:38 AM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 97
I think it would be a huge shock for BUMMED to go from passing a bunch of (I feel) much younger girl groupies back and forth with his boarding bros to having ONE girlfriend, even if she's fully on board with his particular kink.

He appears to be really into maintaining the strict culture around boarding and getting what he considers to be his just rewards, aka lots of supposedly hot (but not SLOG-level aware) young chicks who then gossip about who did whom and what happened. That's the currency the other boarders use and he seems almost terrified to lose the ability to make more transactions if everyone thinks he's kinda gay. [Insert the old Seinfeld episode disclaimer.]

I think he needs to be persuaded of the beneficial aspects of cutting some of the bonds to the boarding set and then try to find a few women (yes, the W-word) on a kink site whose profiles would be compatible with his. He could still get as much action and it would actually be something he finds fulfilling.

Now if he would only stop acting like a douche when he's having sex (because there doesn't appear to be any consideration shown for his partners) ... but I'm pretty sure that'll be another letter.
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on August 18, 2012 at 3:23 PM · Report this
Hi Bummed! I agree with Dan. I'm a bisexual sub female who loves fucking her hetero male Dom (who loves being fucked). I don't think he's gay or think of him any less for it. He's told me he'd probably be embarrassed to tell a girl he'd only recently started seeing that he's into anal sex. I'd never told any guy about my utter desire to fuck men. So when we eventually got around to telling each other our interests, we connected even more. We felt safe because we knew and trusted each other. If girlfriend life is not for you, you should perhaps check out kink sites, you might find someone who is also interested in anal play AND snowboarding whom you can meet up with. Good luck! :)
Posted by yayforanalplay on August 18, 2012 at 4:14 PM · Report this
Hey Dan,

Ordinarily I'm ALL for girl power---which seems to be the topic in this week's installment of Savage Love. But is it possible for David Schmader to find a vacation sub OTHER than Ann Romano to cover his Last Days column?

I'm asking you because I already posted on Ann's typically horrible "celebrity gossip rag" in this week's issue, and figure that maybe David's hearing from a fellow Stranger staff member might more effectively persuade him to find a better sub.

Thanks in advance, Dan, and Wayne---I don't give a shit if Dan reads this or not.
Posted by auntie grizelda on August 18, 2012 at 4:31 PM · Report this
Roma 100
mydriasis, you (and the LW) may be right and it may indeed be "many." I was just curious. Regardless of how common it is overall, as I said above, I feel that it's probably more common with females than with males.

Posted by Roma on August 18, 2012 at 4:37 PM · Report this
[Other comments such as "I'd go gay for her/him" or "I'd go straight for her/him" also fly around from time to time.]

I understand the sentiment, but what noxious phrasing, probably LMB-worthy. Could you perhaps put your dominant personality to good use and institute a less troglodytic way of phrasing?
Posted by vennominon on August 18, 2012 at 4:48 PM · Report this
Roma 102
nocutename, you also may be right in that, even if "many" people have same-sex crushes, most of them aren't sexual or romantic.

I wholeheartedly agree with you that women and girls have always been more free than men to express their appreciative opinions about members of the same sex. I think guys (straight guys) are held back from doing this by the old I-don't-want-them-to-think-I'm-gay fear.

By the way, I have a question for you. Could you email me at ? Thanks.

Posted by Roma on August 18, 2012 at 4:52 PM · Report this
nocutename 103
@102: I agree that women have been freed from the worry that they will be presumed to be lesbians if they notice, appreciate, and comment-upon another woman's looks and attractiveness. Although depending on the micro subculture of anyone's particular community, that is more or less acceptable. Many straight men seem to be crippled by the fear that they will be considered gay if they even admit to noticing whether or not another man is good-looking. Which is, I think, a tremendous shame.

Mr. Ven: From an LMB standpoint, I thank my stars daily that I don't have a social circle in which the phrase "I'd go gay for her/him" or "I'd go straight for her/him" is every uttered.
Posted by nocutename on August 18, 2012 at 10:26 PM · Report this
mydriasis 104


Are you familiar with this thing called quote marks? When you put text inside them it means that you're using words that someone else said.

In other words: no. I will not use my so-called dominant personality (excuse me?) to change a quotation of someone else's words.
Posted by mydriasis on August 18, 2012 at 11:20 PM · Report this
nocutename 105
@mydriasis: I think Mr. Ven was suggesting that you exercise your outspoken personality to suggest that your friends not use that particular locution anymore as he finds it offensive or cringe-worthy. In other words, could you prevail upon your friends to not say "I'd go gay for her."

At the risk of misrepresenting Mr. Ven's meaning or intention, I don't know that he meant it literally. I think his main goal was to convey his disgust with the phrases '"I'd go gay for her/him" or "I'd go straight for her/him."'

I don't think he meant for you to misquote or misrepresent speech already uttered.
Posted by nocutename on August 18, 2012 at 11:46 PM · Report this
nocutename 106
@Roma: I sent you an email. I await your question.
Posted by nocutename on August 19, 2012 at 12:04 AM · Report this
@22: Yes.
Posted by notfromaroundhere on August 19, 2012 at 2:19 AM · Report this

Ok, let's try to straighten this out. Your 1st passion is competitive snowboarding. Your 2nd is the related competitive snowbunny pounding. Your handicap is that you can't come without a finger in your ass. Dan calls the last a desire for prostate stimulation. How well can you finger-stimulate your prostate while fucking another person?

I'm thinking it a desire to be penetrated-- a trait shared by many women and gays. So now things pull into focus. You snowboard to be with those gnarly guys. You fuck the bunnies to maintain your position in your primary group. You're very concerned about the gay-hinting testimony of one girl, because there's probably already tinder there for that fire. I don't hear any real appreciation of women, only concern about your social position.

Posted by Hunter78 on August 19, 2012 at 5:16 AM · Report this
Oh, yes, for those who will bring it up-- A guy being pegged is not gay, but it is gayish.

Posted by Hunter78 on August 19, 2012 at 5:51 AM · Report this
"She was so dead in her fucking, I had to stick a finger in my ass to come."
Posted by Hunter78 on August 19, 2012 at 6:08 AM · Report this
Posted by Hunter78 on August 19, 2012 at 6:27 AM · Report this

What's so troglodytic about the expression? It sounds positive, gay-sympathetic.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 19, 2012 at 6:43 AM · Report this
mydriasis 113

Except ven is a stranger who doesn't know my personality.

I've dealt with lots of different kinds of people. For example, at my current job I've worked with hundreds and hundreds. Which means I've been a casual participant in lots of conversations with people I don't know very well. If I were to hear someone say something massively racist (never happened) or homophobic (I don't thinik it's happened but it may have) then I'll speak up. I don't think that makes me a 'dominant personality' it makes me a decent fucking person.

Long story short, I hear a lot of things outside the context of conversations with friends. I've never heard my friends use that expression.


Considering the fact that you have never seen me and thus have NO idea what I look like. What is up with your desire to fantasize that I am "narrow hipped"?
Posted by mydriasis on August 19, 2012 at 7:01 AM · Report this
A finger in his ass makes him cum?


I need the whole hand.

Posted by Chicago Guy on August 19, 2012 at 8:52 AM · Report this
A finger in his ass makes him cum?


I usually need the whole hand.

Posted by Chicago Guy on August 19, 2012 at 8:56 AM · Report this
nocutename 116
@94, 104,105, 113 (mydriasis):

1) You initially implied (at post 94) that the phrase which offended Mr. Ven was one spoken by you acquaintances.

2) You have represented yourself here time and again (and as recently as post #113) as someone who is direct and outspoken, not a wishy-washy, passive person. You've mentioned repeatedly standing up for yourself and others.

3) It was not unreasonable, therefore, for Mr. Ven to assume that you would be in the position to exert some influence over your friends. I'm not even sure that he really asked or expected you to ask your friends to drop an expression he finds repugnant, or merely to know that he considers the expression repugnant.

4) You appear to misunderstand Mr.Ven's request, thinking that he's asking you to misrepresent someone else's already-spoken expression. You react to that at post #104 with a tone that's barely keeping within the boundaries of civil discourse.

5) I try to clear up a misunderstanding in post 105. Sometimes Mr. Ven expresses himself somewhat obliquely.

6) You back-pedal, suddenly disclosing that in fact, your friends don't use that phrase, and taking issue with Mr. V's description of yours as a "dominant personality," in a way that does more to establish that dominant personality. You show anger at him for presuming to know how you are based on how your written persona appears.

It seems your reactions at least in this matter, are somewhat out of proportion. Hence Hunter including calling you "thin skinned" in his otherwise egregious regularly-scheduled attack of you.
Posted by nocutename on August 19, 2012 at 9:20 AM · Report this
You reveal yourself in your words.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 19, 2012 at 10:13 AM · Report this
For those interested in the issues raised by Hunter @109/112:

Imagine a straight snowboarder-guy, who found himself attracted to another snowboarder-guy. If he weren't worried about losing his straight privilege, he could just ask the other guy if he's interested in a fun sex romp. In a better world, that wouldn't destroy his life, or make him gay or even "gayish," as Hunter put it. It would just make him a 1 instead of a 0 on the Kinsey scale.

When Hunter says that wanting to be penetrated makes you "gayish," that's like people saying "I'd go gay for him." It implies that being gay is less desirable than being straight, and it implies that a little bit of "gay" contaminates your whole sexuality, the way the "one-drop" rule worked in race relations.

If I use my left-hand for something once, that doesn't make me left-handed. But thank goodness we've mostly moved beyond the prejudice against left-handed people, so no one cares whether or not I'm left-handed. I hope for a day like that in the future around gender and sexuality: when people don't both police the lines, because no one cares what other people do.
Posted by EricaP on August 19, 2012 at 10:45 AM · Report this
Edit: ...when people don't bother policing the lines
Posted by EricaP on August 19, 2012 at 10:45 AM · Report this
nocutename 120
@118 (EricaP): Me, too.
Posted by nocutename on August 19, 2012 at 11:08 AM · Report this

There was no good or bad from me, that language came from you.

However, Bummed is clearly terrified of being identified as gay. If he is, (and I think so) he needs to accept it.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 19, 2012 at 1:20 PM · Report this
It would help a lot of vaginas, if you mentioned the need for latex gloves and/or extra care when getting fecal matter out of guts, and near/in vaginas.

Gals get very unhappy with e.coli infections in their vaginas.

Be enough to have some like:
"You have to take extra care to prevent vaginal infections: http://site.tld/link"
Posted by lentower on August 19, 2012 at 1:34 PM · Report this
As might be expected of someone who appreciates the Bolter, Ms Cute has represented me with considerable accuracy. I did get the impression that the phrase was common among Ms Driasis' acquaintance (and congratulate her that such is not the case). Given that impression, and an earlier impression than Ms Driasis has a higher than average share of influence within her social circle, I did hope she might exercise that influence to make a positive change in the form of the elimination of a vile phrase.

I particularly dislike that phrasing because it was highly inspiring to the misguided works of Mr Archer, the Father of Postgay. People who have to construct whole movements every time Life contradicts Theory are usually overblown and frequently dangerous.

My analogy of choice for this one would come from My So-Called Life and the parents' meeting at the school after the gun goes off. Think of Patty before she introduces herself after the meeting complimenting Amber on being so forceful.
Posted by vennominon on August 19, 2012 at 4:09 PM · Report this
mydriasis 124

How did I backpedal??
I simply clarified that simply because I've seen something happen many times doesn't mean it was done by people who are close to me. As I said, I've met and conversed probably thousands of people that I'm not close to. A lot of people have. I can see how my original post could be misunderstood but clarifying is not backpedalling FFS.

Also I think it's quite a jump to go from "I stand up for myself" to "I dominate others".

Am I thin skinned? On some topics and in some contexts, I totally am. What I found creepy about Hunter's post was his need to describe his fictional account of my body. Gross.
Posted by mydriasis on August 19, 2012 at 4:40 PM · Report this
I have a question about the prostate thing: do fingernails help or hinder the entry? Are they like teeth during a blow-job and you have to be careful?
Posted by secretchord on August 19, 2012 at 4:42 PM · Report this
mydriasis 126
@ ven

Sorry, I clearly totally missed your meaning.

"an earlier impression than Ms Driasis has a higher than average share of influence within her social circle"

I wouldn't say this is true. I'm curious why you think so?
Posted by mydriasis on August 19, 2012 at 4:44 PM · Report this
(To change the subject)
Posted by secretchord on August 19, 2012 at 4:50 PM · Report this
Roma 128
secretchord, I don't think fingernails like these would help.
Posted by Roma on August 19, 2012 at 6:45 PM · Report this
AFinch 129
@118 - Very nicely put. I hope for that too and I Visualize Whirled Peas.
Posted by AFinch on August 20, 2012 at 6:19 AM · Report this
Mr Hunter - When you have defeated attempts to change your orientation through outward force, you'll perhaps agree that it is not the sort of thing to be treated like a change of socks.
Posted by vennominon on August 20, 2012 at 6:57 AM · Report this
Ms Driasis - There was definitely a thread of about two or three months ago that gave me the impression your friends had a mild tendency to defer to you, but I could have misread it. I'll explain more later. Ms Cute might have ideas.
Posted by vennominon on August 20, 2012 at 7:02 AM · Report this
mydriasis 132

Hm! Perhaps I mis-wrote something then too.
I certainly agree with you about the issue of sexuality. I identify as straight even though I've had sexual experiences with women (and may again at some point in my life, who knows). I think that anyone except a rabid homophobe would 'choose' to be bi if they had the choice (or pan, I suppose... I don't know much about pansexuality). But behaviour is not orientation - there are lots of people who are gay or lesbian who have sexual experiences with members of the same sex just by default - that doesn't make them bi either.

To be clear, I sympathize with why you're bothered by the terminology. I think it's meant to be a humourous way to express attraction for someone who is a gender you typically don't prefer. I think the fact that people who aren't hetero use the expression suggests that they don't find the phrase to be threatening to the concept of innate sexual orientation. But for the record, I can officially say I won't use it myself on the chance that someone takes it that way. :)
Posted by mydriasis on August 20, 2012 at 7:43 AM · Report this
I personally have used the phrase "I'd go straight for her" in jest, lately referring to the lovely miss Olivia Wilde, and so have other gay friends of mine in similar contexts. It certainly doesn't bother me when straight people use the opposite phrase either. I just don't get the apparent problem that some people have with it. We are all well-adjusted, out homosexual adults who frankly resent it when individuals who pretend to have our interests at heart are unwilling to cede to us the agency of using whatever speech we damn well please, or treat us like little brittle flowers who will wilt at the slightest insult, which in the case of this particular phrase is really far-fetched. I mean seriously, are you aware there are wars going on?
Posted by cockyballsup on August 20, 2012 at 12:16 PM · Report this
@123, venomininon, are we really going to piece by piece give up our sense of humor because bigots misuse it for evil? If that is going to be our attitude, the terrorists have already won. :)
Posted by cockyballsup on August 20, 2012 at 12:23 PM · Report this
It seems like shortly after she joined us, Myd stridently announced, in her soon to become familiar style, and unprodded as I recall, that she would never have a natural childbirth. One child by C-section. Maybe.

Why would this bright attractive young nonparous woman blurt this out? Obviously because it's deeply important to her. What tormented her girlhood? Concern about trying to squeeze a baby through her too narrow pelvis?

Posted by Hunter78 on August 20, 2012 at 3:07 PM · Report this
mydriasis 136
Wow, you really don't understand female anatomy. My apologies to any women unfortunate enough to deal with you sexually.

There are many (medical, psychological, social) reasons a woman might forgo natural childbirth beyond a small pelvic outlet. Besides, your precious evo-psych says that waist-to-hip ratio is what's important, not pelvic outlet diameter. And it turns out mine is just fine. And no, it is not any of your business why I would not choose to have a natural childbirth.
Posted by mydriasis on August 20, 2012 at 4:04 PM · Report this
I've never used the phrase "I'd go gay for her," and I don't converse with people who have, but I find the phrase inoffensive. I liken it to "I'd fuck him" to signal a humorous and over-the-top expression for liking someone a lot. That's a phrase I have used in regards to, say, Jeremy Irons or Jon Stewart. I've never met these gentlemen nor do I think it likely that I will. If I did, I'd probably chicken out on my imagined invitation. I consider it even more unlikely that they'd want to have sex with me. Going further out on a limb of unlikelihood, I make no predictions as to whether any of us would enjoy the encounter. I do like to think, however, that Stewart would get a good laugh out of the idea of his having groupies.

That's the point. It's just an expression. It's something to say. It's a way of conveying extreme admiration. It's: I like your work, think you're wonderful, and there's no one I'd like to fuck better (except possibly John Oliver).
Posted by Crinoline on August 20, 2012 at 5:15 PM · Report this
mydriasis 138

Hoooold the phone. You'd pick John Oliver over Jon Stewart? No I'm offended! ;)
Posted by mydriasis on August 20, 2012 at 5:25 PM · Report this
Yes, "I'd go gay for him" is a joke. Yes, people use it and do not mean any harm. I've also met people who say "he jewed me down in price" and they also mean no harm. Likewise with blonde jokes, or jokes about some ethnicity.

I have myself often said "Man, I got gypped." I meant no harm. But when someone educated me about the history and meaning of the word "gypped", I didn't get up on my high horse and insist that it was fine for everyone to keep using the word.

For people who would like an end to the strict gender & sexuality policing in our society, it's important to understand how language works. "I didn't mean any harm" doesn't get you an automatic pass. On the other hand, if you enjoy the strict gender policing and want it to continue indefinitely, then you're on the right track.
Posted by EricaP on August 20, 2012 at 5:38 PM · Report this
mydriasis 140

Do you really think that 'I'd go straight for him!' is equally offensive as 'What a gyp!'. I certainly don't.

I understand that some people are offended by the implication that sexuality is a choice in any way because so much of the LGBT rights movement is based on the premise that being gay/bi/etc isn't a choice. But in truth whether or not sexuality is a choice or innate truly isn't the point. If it was would it be okay to deny gay people the right to marry? Of course not, that's absurd. And for some people, orientation DOES feel more fluid - I don't think their experiences need to be silenced for the sake of posterity.

Like I said, I'm all for being sensitive and I won't use the phrase if it might offend people. But I'd feel pretty silly telling a lesbian at work that she shouldn't say 'I'd go straight for him' when she's obviously joking about the absurdity that should could ever be straight and is in fact trying to express admiration for a guy.

Also, the idea that Jewish people are stingy or Romani peoples are trying to swindle/cheat are inherently racist and offensive. The idea that sexual orientation is a choice is only offensive in the context of it's use in supporting homophobia.

But it isn't inherently a 'bad' thing. IMHO.
Posted by mydriasis on August 20, 2012 at 6:23 PM · Report this

British accent.
Posted by Crinoline on August 20, 2012 at 7:15 PM · Report this
@140 "I'd go gay for him" is offensive where "I'd go straight" isn't, at least to my ears.

To me, it's not about whether sexuality is a choice; it's about whether one fling makes you gay, and whether being gay is distasteful. The reason the phrase says a lot about how hot someone is, is because he's SO hot a man would give up his straight privilege and become (ick) gay, just to fuck him. (The phrase makes much less sense from a straight woman, because everyone assumes we're half-bi anyway.)

That's my problem with the phrase. People want to call me humorless, I can live with that.
Posted by EricaP on August 20, 2012 at 8:40 PM · Report this
If one thinks about all that "going straight" would entail - and it is a LOT more than merely boinking someone of the opposite gender - it gets much murkier.

* It completely erases bisexuality, which is one reason why "going bi" for someone is fifty times less unpalatable (I'm not entirely sure whether I'd give it a pass or not).

* It trivializes an identity to which many people are still denied easy and unpunished access.

* It mocks the experiences and struggles of those rare people who have found love across the orientational barriers but whose orientations have not changed.

* Perhaps most importantly, nobody is more viciously anti-gay than someone newly identifying as straight, to the extent that the phrase suggests the speaker would become actively homophobic, give up hes same-sexer friends, vote against equality, etc.

* With regard to Ms Driasis' point about potentially silencing those with fluid orientation, it's a bit like religion. It is generally considered wisdom to convert on one's own impetus and not "for" someone else. Besides, how long is the term for which one is contracting? Going straight is a lifelong commitment. And a lot of people do "go straight" "for" what they hope will prove a sufficient inducement. It generally doesn't lead one down the Golden Road. But my inherent response to someone contemplating "going straight" tends to be to take it seriously and ask, "Would you really?" with elaborations if there's no backpedal.

I can understand wanting to express cross-orientational appreciation. But anyone who takes it that far ought to have to go through with it, though I can't entirely settle on whether a week or a month would be sufficient.

Now I grant that most people here have probably not had to beat back an attempt to force an unwanted orientation upon them. But we are not yet in a time and place where the matter provides freedom and equality of choice.

From the other side, there is the Windsor factor that may lend an air of romance to an impulse to give up all that heterosexual privilege, although that's still inherently problematic. But I shall not presume to judge that side, although my natural response to hearing an offer to "go gay" would be to suggest that the speaker might well be unable to pass the qualifying examination.

I can sympathize with Ms Driasis' reluctance in the case she mentions. One's place is often far from clear in such cases.

But it's lazy and inaccurate phrasing with problematic implications. Just because it's commonly used doesn't mean one can't find an equally (or vastly more) humourous way to express extreme admiration without suggesting more than one would really be willing to do.
Posted by vennominon on August 20, 2012 at 9:01 PM · Report this
mydriasis 144
@ Erica/Ven

See, this is interesting.
So if a guy were to say "I'd go gay for him" Erica would take it to mean "I'd fuck him - which would then make me gay because the minute I have sex with a man I can't be straight anymore". Ven only addressed "going straight" but seemed to think that the speaker meant it quite literally.

(If I'm understanding it right)

In case you were wondering there is virtually no "ex gay"/"born again" culture where I am. I have never in my entire life met an 'ex gay' man and that kind of fundie influence is pretty much nonexistant here. In my workplace, for example, it doesn't matter how straight/macho/tough you are - you better be down with gay men. If you're not? Don't let the door hit you on the way back. We have only had a handful of homophobes (out of probably thousands of people over the years) and you can bet they shut up right quick when
1. their paycheck depends on it
2. none of the hot girls or straight dudes in the kitchen will back their play
In fact I've seen a lot of straight guys get over their mild homophobia (which I think is mainly a show anyway) and come to joke around and become good friends with the gay guys. Often to the point of back and forth joke-flirting.

Anyway, the thing is, when I hear "I'd go gay for him" or "I'd go straight for her", I always assumed people meant it as like an "I'd be straight for a night" kind of thing. Not "I'd give up my sexual orientation for the rest of my life". But obviously we all put our own gloss on such an ambigious (and illogical) statement.

Posted by mydriasis on August 20, 2012 at 9:23 PM · Report this
nocutename 145
I understand "I'd go gay for him" and its variants to mean that the object of speculation is soooo damn attractice that the speaker would even cross orientations to be able to have sex with him. I also understand it to be meant to be funny and not taken either literally or too seriously. While I don't think it represents the sin que non of wittiness, I also think it connotes a humorous attitude in a way that "I'd fuck him" does not (some folks would say of virtually anyone/anything "I'd hit that" and the point of "I'd go gay for him" is that the speaker wouldn't ordinarily want to have sex with a man, so this one is extraordinarily hot).

I get it, and I don't necessarily find it offensive. I also see and can appreciate the points that cockyballsup made in posts 133 and 134. I also don't like the trend I sometimes see toward political correctness.

But I am a big believer in being respectful towards members of one's community. And I also believe that it is always up to the person in the minority to set the boundaries around jokes which are aimed--even slightly or tangentially--at their minority group. Thus: I can't or won't instigate race jokes, but if a friend who is a member of a racial minority makes the joke, I will feel free to laugh (if I find it funny). I will make certain Jewish jokes, but not others, and if a non-Jew makes a joke that plays on a negative Jewish stereotype, I might well be a touch offended, or at least wonder what the hell is up with that person.

I know no ex-gays. I live in the liberal San Francisco Bay Area, and such creatures are utterly alien, as are people who publicly profess homophobia (which should more accurately be called "homobigotry") and for the record, I don't find "I'd go gay for him" to be indicative of homophobia, myself.


I'm not the person who was subjected to forced orientation conversion sessions--by my parents. I'm not someone who has lived with what sounds like painful experiences regarding the desire to just be myself. I am, though, in a small and virtual way, a member of Mr. Venominon's Slog community, and as such, I can respect that he finds this phrasing objectionable and offensive, and refrain from using it and, if I hear it being used by friends (which I haven't, and knowing my friends' linguistic tendencies, doubt I ever would) request that they find an alternate way of expressing extreme admiration.
Posted by nocutename on August 20, 2012 at 10:17 PM · Report this
This is disgusting. The politically-correct think they can microdictate apparently inoffensive language. This is fodder for the anti-gays.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 21, 2012 at 9:54 AM · Report this
@146 Explaining the ramifications of particular words is not dictating what anyone may say.

But thank you for letting me know my personal opinions disgust you, Hunter. Likewise, I'm sure.
Posted by EricaP on August 21, 2012 at 10:44 AM · Report this
My ex husband wanted nothing to do with anything even thinking about his asshole. No finger, no toys, no way.

My current partner takes a peg like a pro. So much fun. So great to date a guy willing to explore and find out "different" things can feel good too!

Unless it's a cock, putting something in your bum doesn't make you gay. Srsly.
Posted by cr1creed on August 21, 2012 at 1:31 PM · Report this
I don't give a rat's ass about political correctness. I like writing that's powerful, expressive, even daring. People who fear being shocked are reading the wrong column.
Posted by Hunter78 on August 21, 2012 at 3:16 PM · Report this
@crlcreed, yes, from the other side of the fence, I have been with the odd gay guy who didn't like anything going near their butt either. That didn't make them straight. Boring in bed, maybe, but not straight... There seem to be plenty of counterexamples, though, to your assertion that liking a dick up your ass makes you gay.
Posted by cockyballsup on August 21, 2012 at 3:22 PM · Report this
mydriasis 151
Middle aged white dude, "I don't give a rat's ass about political correctness"

Me, "…"
Posted by mydriasis on August 21, 2012 at 3:58 PM · Report this
mydriasis 152
@ Crinoline

Ahh fair enough. I'm not one for most Euro accents although I do kind of enjoy Russian/Eastern European ones, as well as ones from certain New York/adjacent States ones, pretty much any Carribean country, most South American countries, and a lot of African countries too.

But not so much the classically appealing ones (English, Irish, French, Australian, Southern... I actually hate Southern accents quite a bit)

Or is it the FACT that he's British more than the accent.
So longwinded sorry, I find preferences to be a really interesting thing and always wonder about them.
Posted by mydriasis on August 21, 2012 at 4:04 PM · Report this
What, I've degenerated from geriatric to middle-aged?
Posted by Hunter78 on August 21, 2012 at 4:54 PM · Report this
Hunter78: in my experience, if there's anything that "non-PC" language is NOT, generally speaking, it's daring or edgy or anything of that sort. Typically it's tired old crap that there's no particular need to hang onto anyway.
Posted by Eirene on August 21, 2012 at 5:11 PM · Report this
152 My--

Also John Oliver's sly sideways smile with the crooked tooth on the left.

New York accents appealing on men, not women.
Southern accents appealing on women, not men.

In the I'd-fuck-him category: Wyatt Cenac, Colbert, John Oliver, Kristin Schaal, Larry Wilmore.

In the unfuckable: Samantha Bee, Lewis Black, John Hodgman, Jason Jones, Aasif Mandri, Jessica Williams.

Edging towards the serious side for a moment-- Didn't you once say that you could tell if a guy was going to be good in bed by something about the way he moves or dances? I said that I couldn't. It's a toss up for me. I really have no idea what Jeremy Irons would be like no matter how much I liked him in Damage.

Posted by Crinoline on August 21, 2012 at 5:15 PM · Report this
If I wanted to discuss different categories of homos, and I might, I would like to use terms like "dyke" and "pansy" to speed up info exchange.

Many of you will not like my language. Tough. It's communication.

Posted by Hunter78 on August 21, 2012 at 5:37 PM · Report this
I would totally fuck John Hodgman and Aasif Mandvi. Check these out:……
Posted by EricaP on August 21, 2012 at 5:38 PM · Report this
157-- Give me David Tennant any day. Even Paul Dano. Definitely Peter O'Toole.
Posted by Crinoline on August 21, 2012 at 6:38 PM · Report this
nocutename 159
Peter O'Toole? Not even when he was 25 and sober.
Jeremy Irons . . . be still, my heart.

And if I wasn't prohibiting myself from a certain phrase, Kate Winslet is incredibly sexy.

As for young and cute, Henry Cavill.

Hmm . . . all these happen to have English or English-type accents, but that's merely coincidental.

Oh . . . and Alexander SkarsgardWhatshisname, you know, Eric Northman from Trueblood. He could drain me any day.
Posted by nocutename on August 21, 2012 at 6:48 PM · Report this
mydriasis 160
@ Crin


See, I like Wyatt quite a bit. Al has kind of a cute thing going on too. Colbert? Definitely bangable. I think Jessica Williams is a cutie and bonus points, she seems like she'd be fun in bed. And of course, Jon. Clips of young Jon? Uggh.

The rest of them, not so much. (For me, of course).

As to the prediction of being good in bed?

I think making out (kissing, groping, etc) is a pretty good hint as to how a guy is going to be in bed. I think what you're thinking of is I used to have a gay friend who was very promicious and claimed to be able to tell if a guy was well-endowed. I remember standing in a movie theatre with him and he suddenly turned sharply to look at a guy across the room and said "that guy has a big dick". Which I found pretty amusing at the time. I'm not what you'd call a size-queen so I've never really bothered cultivating the skill...

I think if anything I can maybe tell who'd be good for 'me' but that's more of a chemistry/preference match thing, nothing mystical.

Um... Jeremy Irons. Not so much, in my books, but I will always associate him with Lolita, so that's maybe why...

If anyone saw Requiem for a Dream... I had a huge crush on Harry in that movie. When my sister saw it she said "OMG he looks just like M's boyfriend!"
Posted by mydriasis on August 21, 2012 at 8:01 PM · Report this
mydriasis 161

I'm sorry, is there a difference? :)
Posted by mydriasis on August 21, 2012 at 8:04 PM · Report this
Roma 162
I have myself often said "Man, I got gypped." I meant no harm.

Good. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's antiziganism.
If you want to put out an excellent album about my people, fine. But no derogatory phrases.
Posted by Roma on August 22, 2012 at 5:32 PM · Report this
Regarding the guy that cums with his finger in his butt. Why is it considered gay just because a guy likes anal stimulation? It's a pretty erogenous area for guys and girls.
Posted by Fun N KC on August 24, 2012 at 7:53 AM · Report this

I hopw you come back and check old comments. You may not be a lesbian. I had all kinds of confusion in college, ended up not really being into sleeping with girls but.... oh fuck, years and lifetimes later, really like t-gurls. Sort of the combo boy-girl situation, culturally contextualized as a girl is like the magic-button answer I didn't know I had. Point being, it's complicated and especially lesbicurious women in college should keep an open mind to all the options, of which there are more than ever.
Posted by Domina on August 28, 2012 at 10:36 PM · Report this
ANON: As others said, get yourself some experience before you're 29 and panicked. Then: Never. Stop. Exploring. (safely)
BUMMED: How big is the (prof.) boarding community anyway? If word got out, this letter may just be the nail in your coffin (heh).

IMHO, though, someone is just trolling Shaun White again.
Posted by schmoopiam on August 31, 2012 at 4:52 PM · Report this
Auragasm 166
Where I live, in my social circle (I'm 24) straight women and men alike flatter each other by pretending to be gay for a split second.

Girls usually call each other sexy or hot to be supportive.
Guys put on a lisp and dry hump their friends in public, but it's all for laughs; as if they're affirming their heterosexuality by acting as over-the-top homo as they can imagine.

I do have one lady friend who actually makes me a bit tongue-tied, giddy, and at worse jealous. When I think of lezzing out, she comes to mind, but we'd have to be inebriated. No other girl has been so awesome that I'd want to kiss her, but I don't think this makes me gay, and neither should you.

That's something I'll admit only under the anonymity of the web, I'm sure a lot of straight guys feel the same for some of their male friends. But actually having FEELINGS for a person of the same gender is a LOT different than feigning gayness to strengthen your friendship.
Posted by Auragasm on September 26, 2012 at 4:12 PM · Report this
167 Comment Pulled (Trolling) Comment Policy

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