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That's Leotarded

April 30, 2009

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Stop using the word "retarded" as an insult, Dan. I know it can be hard to break a verbal habit, but make an effort. Perhaps you should have a "retard jar" that you put a dollar in every time you use the word. When the jar is full, send the money to the Special Olympics.

Whatever you do, though, try to remember that you have lots of listeners and readers who have loved ones with mental disabilities, and we don't want to hear you misuse the word "retarded." Please don't tell me to read or listen to other people if I don't like what I hear. I want to read your column and listen to your podcast, but without the put-downs directed at people with mental disabilities.

The Real Other Sister

I'm going to turn over a new leaf, TROS, and make a conscious, conscientious effort to break myself of the bad habit of using the word "retard." But I don't think the "retard jar" is for me. Instead, I'm going to use a substitution for the word. From now on, instead of saying "retard" or "that's so retarded," I'm going to say "leotard" and "that's so leotarded." I won't be mocking the mentally challenged, just the physically gifted. I will pick on the strong—and the limber—and not the weak.


I've lived with my boyfriend for a little less than a year, and we have awesome sex and a loving relationship. I'm not naive, and I don't expect my boyfriend not to look at porn. However, I've made it clear that porn makes me uncomfortable (I have a weird, visceral distaste), and it makes me feel insecure (am I not enough?). All I ask is that he clear his browser history if we're going to continue sharing computers and that he keep his porn-viewing habits private.

We had a huge fight about this. He was raised in an oppressive, religious household and feels my attitude is oppressively prudish. But I don't think he should feel ashamed of looking at pornography, I just don't want to see it. Why can't he see my point of view? Is it unreasonable to expect him to keep this part of his private life private?

On The Outs

It's not at all unreasonable to ask him to be discreet about his porn-viewing habits, OTO, out of consideration for your feelings. And if he can't see that, well, then he's just being willfully leotarded.

But there are other solutions: Get your own personal laptops, change his settings so his browser history clears automatically, and if he makes an effort and slips up now and then—if you come across a porn-clogged browser history—clear it yourself and resist the urge to bring it up.

And for the record: It never even occurs to me to look at the browser history on the computer my boyfriend and I share. It wouldn't bother me if he was looking at porn—I'd be concerned if he wasn't looking at porn—but there's no law that requires you to check out his browser history. Scrutinizing browser histories is fourth-degree snooping, and only a leotard scrolls through her boyfriend's browser history knowing that what she's likely to find there is going to upset her.


I'm a 29-year-old hetero male considering breaking up with my sweet GGG girlfriend of five years. I can't find a reason to do it, though. We never fight; she loves to do all the chores I hate and vice versa; she's accepting of all my kinks, from anal to public sex; and we love each other. We've been talking marriage and family all year.

But I miss falling in love, sex is becoming boring, and my heart aches every time I hear about a girl who wishes I were single. I told my girlfriend about these things, and she (while crying) gave me permission to sleep around so long as it's on her terms, though her terms are pretty strict. I'm not happy with the restrictions, but I can't ask for more because she gets so depressed talking about it.

Am I being self-destructive in wanting to throw away the love of my life?

Let Me Have It

You're being a self-destructive leotard, LMHI, and your cliché male fear-of- intimacy issues are totally leotarded. Perhaps the marriage conversation is making you jittery—as marriage, in theory at least, means that you'll never again experience the heady rush of new love. But your odds of ever finding another girl—for a long- or short-term relationship—who loves you, you enjoy living with, and is willing to give you permission to sleep around, even with conditions, are infinitesimally small. If you weren't such a leotard, you would be able to see that you're not going to do better than this girl.

And make an effort to kick your sex life with the girlfriend into gear before you sleep with someone else. If she was sobbing her eyes out when she gave you permission to sleep with other people, LMHI, that's not a good sign. Successful and healthy open relationships rarely get their start when one partner has consented under duress. Boring can be fixed, and fixing it may involve opening this relationship up, but she's not really ready to go there.


I'm a big fan of something called the Instead cup, which might help AFTER and her hemo-phobic boyfriend who doesn't want to have sex with her at any time during her period. You can buy them at the big drugstores like CVS here in California. When I have my period, the Instead cup sits up against my cervix. It captures all the menstrual blood and keeps it away from my loving boyfriend's enormous yet fastidious cock. He often doesn't even realize I have it in. It's a little messy to take out and dispose of, but it's totally worth it. Here's the website: www.softcup.com.

And if AFTER's boyfriend still won't fuck her with one of these handy numbers in, then she should definitely DTMFA.

Cup Up Pussy

Readers: Since you're reading this in The Stranger, you might not know what CUP is referring to. Last week, I had to cut a question from the local version of this column—a question from a woman whose boyfriend refused to have sex with her while she was on her period—to make room for info about HUMP! To read the letter from Aunt Flo Terminates Erection Return and my advice to her, see last week's complete column at thestranger.com/savage.

As for you, CUP: I'm familiar—not intimately so—with the Instead cup. But, like a total leotard, I spaced it. Thanks for writing.


Longtime fan, Dan, but I don't see you on Twitter. It would be a blast! Thanks in advance.

Need More Savage Love

Writing a column and doing a weekly podcast and blogging aren't enough? Now I have to Twitter?

Sorry, NMSL, but no. The tech-savvy, at-risk youth who pull the Savage Lovecast together every week may have dragged my gay ass into the early years of the 21st century—they created a YouTube site for me (www.youtube.com/user/dansavage) and a Facebook page (www.facebook.com/dansavage)—but I draw the line at Twittering, at least for the time being, as it would cut into my drinking time.


mail@savagelove.net

 

Comments (313) RSS

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1
I just finished reading "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel. I dunno that it would solve Let Me Have It's problem, but it's an interesting read on the issue.
Posted by SteveD on April 28, 2009 at 8:28 PM · Report this
2
This product called "the Cup" sounds bizarre. Is it really all that popular, or is this a late April fools joke?
Posted by KG on April 28, 2009 at 8:30 PM · Report this
3
With you on twitter, Dan.
Posted by scopes on April 28, 2009 at 8:30 PM · Report this
4
I think if he won't fuck you when you have your period, that is one week he can do without. Try it for a coupla months, you won't need the "cup."
Posted by menrreatards on April 28, 2009 at 8:47 PM · Report this
5
The problem with the cup is that a lot of women can't actually wear it effectively due to poor fitting issues.

LMHI has a specific someone in mind he'd like to sample, I'm pretty sure. Chances are, GGG gf knows and knows who.
Posted by Sari on April 28, 2009 at 8:55 PM · Report this
6
Gee, Dan - Your response to TROS and her reasonable request re: "Leotarded" was mean-spirited. And the ongoing "leotard" comments throughout the column came off as petty, not funny. Maybe wanna think of how your response might be taken by others, and maybe throw this particular community an apology? You don't have to be universally nice to everyone, but it would be great if you weren't mean towards people with disabilities and their families.
Posted by Christopher on April 28, 2009 at 8:58 PM · Report this
7
Menstrual cups are apparently really convenient and yes, getting more popular (I have several friends who use and love them), but I hopped over to the A/V Club version of SL last week and am still shaking my head over that chick's whiny boyfriend. My husband isn't exactly adventurous when it comes to bodily fluids, but even he thinks making a big deal about what's providing the lubrication is ridiculous.
Posted by Sophia on April 28, 2009 at 8:59 PM · Report this
8
Re cup: The link takes us to this week's column. Also, why didn't your whole column appear online here in the first place? I'm so confuused...
Posted by Papayas on April 28, 2009 at 9:01 PM · Report this
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11
What you need to do is integrate twittering into your drinking time, Dan. Just get one of the TSARY to follow you around and do the typing.
Posted by xzarakizraiia on April 28, 2009 at 9:02 PM · Report this
12
I wish more people would draw the line at Twittering. God I tweeting hate it.

Avoiding browser history is easier said than done – if you want to keep yours (and reference it), you can't set the browser to clear everything. A good solution – use two different browsers. Also, find some eco-friendly, fem-positive, union-produced porn!
Posted by Kiki on April 28, 2009 at 9:04 PM · Report this
13
LMHI's girlfriend sounds perfect - and heartbroken. I hope things work out for them.
Posted by Makenna on April 28, 2009 at 9:05 PM · Report this
14
Twitter is such a fake trend. It's another case of something old people think that young people like. Stay strong, Dan.
Posted by 20something on April 28, 2009 at 9:08 PM · Report this
15
TROS - Hurrrrrr. I've got a close friend whose mentally disabled sister has been a Special Olympian so many times it'd make you blush in shame. She may not have the brain power beyond what the doctors have deemed eight years old, but she'd almost certainly point and snort at you. She will tell you that it's just so much nitpicking--and she came to that conclusion herself, no help, after seeing enough overreactions like yours. She says "They don't mean me. They don't mean people like me. Why should anyone care?" She also had probably the only sane response to that whole Obama/Special Olympics thing, as she saw right through the media bullshit. Those retards can surprise you. And they DON'T need YOU to defend them, either, TROS. Trust me.

It's called perspective, TROS. Try it. And Dan, I'd personally substitute "stupid" for "retarded" to avoid this kind of nonsense in the future. It's how I broke myself of the habit you currently have. Those who are mentally retarded cannot help it. Stupid people, however, can absolutely help it. Just remind yourself of this fact and keep using "stupid," "ought to know better" and "willfully ignorant". (You have to add that qualifier--ignorant people can't help it til they're taught otherwise, but you CAN choose to be willfully ignorant. It's all about choice here.)
Posted by yep. on April 28, 2009 at 9:16 PM · Report this
16
LMHI needs to break up with her, honestly, gently, and sooner rather than later. it's possible to have a decent break-up-- painful but with some integrity and respect in both directions. they can both figure their shit out and get back together if its right or not if its not. but dan's right about the opening thing-- a tearful and pressure-ful allowing of outside sex is not a good direction in which to take a completely loving and GGG relationship. no matter how hard she tries, if she's not actually on board its going to eat her up inside and make her insecure and all of those loving chore-sharing GGG goodnesses are going to go out the damn window.
Posted by Jo on April 28, 2009 at 9:17 PM · Report this
17
stop being an insensitive leotard, Dan
Posted by DEWULIEKMUPDIKS on April 28, 2009 at 9:50 PM · Report this
18
OTO may not be snooping on her boyfriend's web history.

On my browser, if the history is not cleared, as soon as I start typing a web address, the old web addresses in the history will appear in a drop down menu, although only the ones that begin with the same letter. I'm sure a lot of people are familiar with this.

So, even without trying, she will know what porn her boyfriend has been looking at.
Posted by clembot on April 28, 2009 at 9:59 PM · Report this
19
ok, so this "first" business is total idiocy.

OTO doesn't need to "snoop" to find her asshole's porn (assuming her asshole knows she thinks it's assholish to look at the stuff_
and they share a computer) == all she has to do is type in something that begins with the right letter, and it will pop up.

LMHI's girlfriend, DTMFA; he's a jerk.

And Instead rocks. Even squeamish boys can deal with it (unless they're really hopeless and shouldn't even try to have sex at all).



Posted by elsie on April 28, 2009 at 10:02 PM · Report this
20
Christopher is right, Dan. Your "leotard" attempt at humor came across as trying to have your cake and eat it too... Except who eats cake that's made of mocking people who care about mentally disabled people? Even with the tasty priviledge frosting. You'd probably not say "that's so gay" about stuff that was in fact bad and not related at all to gayness. Have some compassion.
Posted by William on April 28, 2009 at 10:04 PM · Report this
21
Sounds to me like LMHI is simply not ready to settle down; maybe it's his maturity level (29 is not that old, and he's been coupled since age 24), maybe it's not the right relationship -- but his gut is speaking clearly, and there's no point trying to rationalize the situation based on how good it SHOULD be.

If he does not feel a wholehearted desire to be in the relationship, then he will continue to make them both miserable.
Posted by Your friend in SF on April 28, 2009 at 10:21 PM · Report this
22
*I* think "leotarded" is hilarious Dan. Don't let leotarded people push you around.
Posted by CuterThanYou on April 28, 2009 at 10:25 PM · Report this
23
Ladies, we need to get something straight here (yes, I'm a lady too). The vast majority of men in "committed" relationships cheat to one degree or another. If they don't, it's usually because they can't or it's not very easy for them -- they're not attractive, for example. If you have a desirable man, sooner or later either there's going to be some form of affair or he's going to leave you. What to do about this? It's surprisingly simple, actually: Rethink your need for commitment. Yes, I'm serious. Instead of demanding that you be enough for him, realize that your demand itself makes you his ball & chain, his prison, and thus guarantees his need to escape from you. Instead, be the woman he comes to of his own free will every time out of desire, not out of some kind of resignation or duty. This way YOU, not all those other women, get to be the not-quite-attainable object. Get your own house. Get your own life. As long as you don't need him, he will never tire of you.
Posted by happy old lady on April 28, 2009 at 10:39 PM · Report this
24
The "Instead" menstrual cup rocks. My husband and I are both squeamish about sex during my period, so that hasn't come up, but I love that I can put one in and leave it there for hours, even if I have to use the bathroom a lot. It's especially great for travel, when I used to dread fussing with feminine hygiene products in an airplane john. And after the first day (when my cervix is tender) it's so comfortable I sometimes forget it's there.

They advertise it for sex. You'd want to change it shortly before sex, but I'm sure it works great.
Posted by married with kids on April 28, 2009 at 10:40 PM · Report this
25
You're a dick, Dan.
Posted by Leotard on April 28, 2009 at 10:47 PM · Report this
26
Agree with clembot: you don't have to consciously look for browser history to reach fourth-degree snooperdom: browsers 'conveniently' auto-complete for you when you start typing an address, or a Google search, etc.

Also (not to knock on porn sites), many porn sites are notorious for filling your browser with crap, especially if you browse in Internet Explorer. While clearing history (and hopefully cookies, at least) won't do a whole lot, it's better than nothing.
Posted by paul on April 28, 2009 at 11:00 PM · Report this
27
Papayas: Click on the Portland Mercury link on the bottom of the page, and navigate to Dan's column that way.

I used to have the same problem as AFTER. No sex on the rag, whatsoever. Actually, my last and current SO were not into it at all, condom or no. It really pisses you off knowing that you get to clean their spunk out of you (monogamous and on hormonal b.c., not being irresponsible) after they finish, and yet they won't just buck the fuck up and put on a condom and get the job done.

Gentlemen, a few things to note: your love nog exiting the vagina does not feel ANYWHERE close to as pleasurable to us as it did to you putting it in there. Imagine thick snot running out of your asshole, that you have no control over. God forbid you cough or sneeze. Also, it is much easier to wash blood off than to clean come OUT.

(To all my bleeding ladies out there: I feel ya. I solved my issue by getting on a b.c. method that stopped my periods completely. Not for HIM, of course, but because of other health issues.)

In conclusion, all of the menstruate-phobic men out there can spend THAT week fucking themselves. Leotards.
Posted by Teabagged Laura on April 28, 2009 at 11:05 PM · Report this
28
Papayas: Click on the Portland Mercury link on the bottom of the page, and navigate to Dan's column that way.

I used to have the same problem as AFTER. No sex on the rag, whatsoever. Actually, my last and current SO were not into it at all, condom or no. It really pisses you off knowing that you get to clean their spunk out of you (monogamous and on hormonal b.c., not being irresponsible) after they finish, and yet they won't just buck the fuck up and put on a condom and get the job done.

Gentlemen, a few things to note: your love nog exiting the vagina does not feel ANYWHERE NEAR as pleasurable to us as it did to you putting it in there. Imagine thick snot running out of your asshole, that you have no control over. God forbid you cough or sneeze. Also, it is much easier to wash blood off than to clean come OUT.

(To all my bleeding ladies out there: I feel ya. I solved my issue by getting on a b.c. method that stopped my periods completely. Not for HIM, of course, but because of other health issues.)

In conclusion, all of the menstruate-phobic men out there can spend THAT week fucking themselves. Leotards.
Posted by Bitchy Laura on April 28, 2009 at 11:09 PM · Report this
29
Hear hear, Christopher--you said it better than I could. Using 'retarded' as an insult is no better than 'gay' or 'faggy'. And it's wonderful that yep.'s friend's sister can shrug off ableist language, but it is still very hurtful to many people.

Seconding the use of "stupid" / "willfully ignorant" as a reasonable replacement, however.
Posted by Ellen on April 28, 2009 at 11:26 PM · Report this
30
It's retarded to change it to leotarded.
Posted by TG on April 28, 2009 at 11:40 PM · Report this
31
LMHI seems to be an arrogant and selfish douchebag- his girlfriend should break up with him and find another dude who is worth her time!
Posted by bleep on April 28, 2009 at 11:41 PM · Report this
32
I'm feeling rather underwhelmed by the whole "leotarded" bit. How exactly is "that's so retarded" any more acceptable than "that's so gay"? Would he be mocking people who pointed out that "that's so gay" is offensive?
Posted by anne on April 28, 2009 at 11:44 PM · Report this
33
LMHI: I am many years older than you, a divorcee who's lost it all, and I will say with all the wisdom of my years that you would be a fool to break up with this girlfriend of yours.

Your problem is not that the sex has gotten boring. Your problem is not that you miss falling in love or that other women wish you were single.

Your problem is you. Your problem is that you don't appreciate what you have. And you will not have any clue how good you had it, until you've lost it all.
Posted by PWD on April 28, 2009 at 11:49 PM · Report this
34
OK, here's the thing. I, myself, routinely use a browser history as a shortcut to sites I've visited recently. Yes, I bookmark, I have bookmarks organized in nested folders. But sometimes using the browser history is just quicker.

I, myself, once got an eyeful of porn on a campus library computer when taking a turn after someone who had come to the US from a repressive country the day before and hadn't learned how to close a browser properly yet. And I can't say that he and I had similar tastes in porn, either.

So, she isn't necessarily snooping when she sees the porn URLs in the browser history. That's all I'm saying.
Posted by iFull on April 28, 2009 at 11:53 PM · Report this
35
You don't have to snoop to stumble across someone's browsing history's. When I was typing in "www.craigslist.com" one day my history suggested "www.californiahotties.com". I think it's only natural to be curious. I don't care if my boyfriend looks at porn, I just prefer not to know about it. I just don't need to questions that brings up. Because I love and trust my man, and understand certain things intellectually, but I have a jealous gene. So I set up separate user accounts on our computer. No big deal.
Posted by Coco on April 29, 2009 at 12:03 AM · Report this
36
Meh, I, for one, have never been too bothered about the "retarded" thing, and I have four retarded brothers (three of whom have less than 15-word vocabularies). Calling something stupid "retarded" is not like calling something stupid "gay". Retarded people are stupid; that's the definition of retarded! Not to mention the fact that words like "idiot", "moron" and "imbecile" all used to be correct, clinically precise terms for the mentally disabled. Are we to not use those, either? Even "dumb" is more offensive, when you think about it: it acquired its current meaning from the idea that mute people couldn't speak because they were too stupid to do so!
Posted by thecheesegirl@gmail.com on April 29, 2009 at 12:40 AM · Report this
37
Is Dan behaving like a teenager with 'leotard-gate' or is this some sophisticated irony? I don't find it offensive, I find it embarrassing. What drew me to this column was the adult, balanced and intelligent advice - seems this has been replaced with adolescent drivel. Shame...

OTO - set up user accounts on PC!
Posted by Rapidly losing interest on April 29, 2009 at 3:01 AM · Report this
38
Has AFTER's boyfriend ever had anal sex with her, or with anyone else, really? I find it absolutely bizarre how many men are all gung-ho to try anal, but balk at having sex while she's on her period. Apparently, they've seen too much porn and think the anus is squeaky clean.
Posted by reality on April 29, 2009 at 3:03 AM · Report this
39
The instead cup is a pretty good product, definitely worth a try, but might not work for intercourse. It certainly doesn't fit me well enough for that; I'm sort of jealous.
Good luck!
Posted by alex on April 29, 2009 at 3:30 AM · Report this
40
Relationships run their course and love (most of the time) fades away. LMHI might have put it in a slightly gauche way but why stick around for fifty more years of a dead relationship? Besides, it sounds like he needs someone to challenge him, not a doormat.
Posted by britwrit on April 29, 2009 at 4:12 AM · Report this
41
I really couldn't believe your use of leotarded either Dan. While I understand the point that cheesegirl makes about common word usage, that's not really my issue. My problem is that as a journalist you need to be held to a higher standard. Imagine the Christian right getting ahold of this column. Their response headline would read, "Miserable 'laggots' can dish it out but not take it!" And they'd be right. How dare we, as a group who advocates removing gay slurs from our culture, turn around and make fun of another group who was just "born that way?"
I know you do a bunch of columns that end up replying to/recanting something you said in your last column, but they are generally just pithy retractions with some sort of back-handed "I was still sort of right" thrown in there. Please don't do that here. Either agree, or don't apologize.

Posted by UK Chris on April 29, 2009 at 4:49 AM · Report this
42
What's so hard about having separate logons for the computer? He does his thing, logs out, she logs on and does her thing. Simple.

To be honest, using a shared computer without separate accounts squicks me. More than menstrual blood during sex (yes, I'm a bad lesbian - I don't want to fuck when there is a lot of blood around).
Posted by Trix on April 29, 2009 at 5:10 AM · Report this
43
Good way to avoid the browser history problem. Use Google Chrome as your browser. It has a feature called incognito that doesn't save any browser history at all. Whenever he wants to porn it up, just open up an incognito window and he can do whatever he wants without it showing up in the history. It's basically the porn feature of Google Chrome.
Posted by google chrome to avoid browser history problems on April 29, 2009 at 5:49 AM · Report this
44
The girl who doesn't like her boyfriend's browser history could just set up a seperate user account on the same PC, rather than getting different laptops. A lot cheaper and it just takes a few seconds.

My girlfriend uses the cup and we're happy with it.

Last, but not least, the leotarded comments were a bit silly. Dan, a while back you urged a fellow who wrote in to stop using the phrase, "That's gay". One would hope you'd give other groups similar respect. Couldn't you just say, "That's so stupid"?
Posted by Ben on April 29, 2009 at 6:13 AM · Report this
45
Leotard isn't working, Dan. Why not just use 'idiot', 'moron', or 'fool'? Those once-clinical terms have receded far enough into the past that offense is unlikely to be taken.

Ray
Posted by Ray on April 29, 2009 at 6:27 AM · Report this
46
Is it still OK to say "fucktard"?
Posted by Anne on April 29, 2009 at 6:30 AM · Report this
47
Actually I think "Leotarded" is a bit sexist, as it conjures the image of ballet and dance classes, which, arguably, are "feminine" in our culture. On the other hand I applaud your finding a rhyme, witty, but like Christopher (above) I agree that it's mean. Now the problem is finding a suitable alternative. I thought immediately of leg warmers (as they are undoubtably the stupidest apparel yet) but again the problem of sexism.

So what about just plain old "stupid"? I think as a culture we've lost our appreciation of "stupid". It's such a throwaway word. Still, as an intelligent person I can think of nothing more denigrating than telling me that I'm willfully not using brain, or using it in a self-destructive manner. Unlike, sadly, our less fortunate mentally challenged friends who are probably using theirs just fine but encountering problems that may tax their capability. In fact we could probably learn something from them and uncomplicate our lives a bit if we weren't so stupid. Even Whoppi Goldberg made a good case for "stupid" being a better insult.

In your tradition of creating words, like "saddlebacking" and "santorum" I would like to see you bring back "stupid". It should be something deeply associated with boneheaded moves and that dumb face I make when I cum.
Posted by I'm with stupid on April 29, 2009 at 6:44 AM · Report this
48
I almost peed my leotard laughing so hard!!!!
Posted by kiDDnApGurl on April 29, 2009 at 6:51 AM · Report this
49
Why don't you use "lomo" and "ligger" as terms of derision? Oh yeah, because you're too much of a coward to put your money--and I mean your future book royalties, honoraria, etc.--where your mouth is.

Being white is no longer a qualification for being president, and being straight is increasingly not a qualification for getting married. This country is on the move, and you're disparaging my adorable little daughter on the basis of her having a genetic disorder.

Well fuck you. The times are changing and you're getting left behind. Enjoy hanging out with neanderthals like Ms. California. The rest of will enjoy living in 2009.
Posted by Dan on April 29, 2009 at 6:58 AM · Report this
50
Using "Retard" as a synonym for stupid is a good idea. It would be different if the mentallly challenged embraced the term retard as positive, but they don't. Every time some refers to a stupid person as retarded the wrod is that much closer to changing it's association.

If you use gay as a negative term it's offensive because gay is a positive term embraced by a community. As long as you don't want to be referred to as retarded, let it mean something else.

Rememember, "Idiot" and "Moron" used to mean retarded, but we changed their association.
Posted by Lathlas on April 29, 2009 at 7:01 AM · Report this
51
I doubt On the Outs was rooting around in the web browser's history files. Instead, she doesn't want the porn site addresses popping up when she starts typing in the addresses of websites she wants to visit. Most browsers attempt to guess which site you'll want to go to, and they start filling in the addresses of previously visited sites.

Changing the browser settings to clear out the history files when it's closed would be one way to deal with this. If they use Firefox, they could set up separate profiles with their own sets of preferences, too.

They should also make sure their computer is protected from viruses and malware. Porn sites are notorious sources of computer bugs.
Posted by My Name Here on April 29, 2009 at 7:06 AM · Report this
52
personally i love riding the red river: I like to cover myself in it after I go down and we're having sex; she gets off licking it back up from my face and chest.

You all are such prudes.

Blood is awesome. I honestly don't get the gross out factor given all the other fluids people share. I might not jump in the first time with a stranger due to disease concerns, but my lady and I are both clean and free to bleed all over one another.
Posted by redriversurfer on April 29, 2009 at 7:13 AM · Report this
53
didn't we JUST have this discussion about the word retarded on slog? i swear i was defending it's use in the same manner as Lathlas.
i personally don't see the big deal. i have mentally disabled family members, and i can't help but recall the times people get yelled at for calling the actually mentally disabled "retarded"
so if we can't use retarded to mean people that are handicapped, how are we to consider it offensive to them when it's used in a different manner? it's like trying to stop the word's use entirely. keep using retard, dan. people's rules about words are their own business. it's unfair to try and force their vocabulary beliefs down our throats.
as for TROS, how can she write into your column, basically demand that you cease to use a word, and then comment how she'd rather not go elsewhere? listen, sister, if you don't like the way the man writes, DON'T READ THE MAN. geez.
Posted by franky on April 29, 2009 at 7:32 AM · Report this
54
OTO doesn't need to do anything difficult like get different laptops or set up multiple user accounts, just download two different browsers. One person uses Firefox the other uses Opera, or Chrome, or (if you must) IE. There are a lot of really good choices out there that only take a few minutes to download and have all kinds of neat features.
Posted by chaosgasket on April 29, 2009 at 7:36 AM · Report this
55
LMHI will be in love with his wonderful gf again once she dumps him and starts dating someone else. But she has to dump him, he can't dump her. He's clearly a guy who needs head games to feel love. What a catch.
Posted by Karey on April 29, 2009 at 7:38 AM · Report this
56
In addition to Chrome's Incognito Mode, Apple's Safari web browser also has a Private Browsing mode, but this has to be turned manually as well.

Probably better to set the preferences to clear history upon closing.
Posted by lurker on April 29, 2009 at 8:02 AM · Report this
57
YES!!! 54th!!! I rule.
Posted by Horace on April 29, 2009 at 8:04 AM · Report this
58
Actually, Dan's point about "leo-tarded" is a good one about language. He did PRECISELY what you asked...yet it wasn't enough. You want to police his language in a way that is never sufficient. You actually want Dan not only to stop SPEAKING in a way you find insulting but to stop THINKING in a way you find insulting. If Dan said, "Ok, I'll stop saying retarded, instead I'll say Rolos, i.e., stop being such a Rolo" you'd clearly interpret Rolos = retarded. So give it up. Oh yeah, and "Dan" the respondent...you're claiming "Dan The Columnist" is a bigot? Do you know who you are talking about? What world do you live in? Rolos, I swear.
Posted by You're Lame on April 29, 2009 at 8:18 AM · Report this
59
Dan, I was born in August so I take offense to your use of leotard.
Posted by The Lion on April 29, 2009 at 8:18 AM · Report this
60
The Period Cup looks and fits like a diaphram, for those who are still confused. Personally, I recommend the Mirena(sp?) IUD. My Finacee has one and she hasn't had a real period since she got it put in a year and a half ago. There's a trickle of spotting every now and then, but it's negligible. The best part about the IUD is that it's as effective as getting your tubes tied and it's maintenance-free for 5 years.
Posted by gonepostal42 on April 29, 2009 at 8:45 AM · Report this
61
Were you drunk when you wrote this column?
Posted by Charlie on April 29, 2009 at 8:49 AM · Report this
62
My roommate works with mentally retarded adults. She says a few of her clients love the free city weekly that syndicates, you guessed it, Savage Love. So never mind about readers who have loved ones who are retarded, there are plenty of retarded readers out there, as well.
Posted by Una on April 29, 2009 at 8:51 AM · Report this
63
Give the guy a break. Some people really can't stand the site of blood, let alone on their crank.

There are many ways to get each other off that don't involve penetration. Seems like those 10 days could be 'inventive' instead of just one-way blow jobs.

Of course you can also fuck in the shower or tub at the beginning/end to minimize any fear of having to 'deal' with it.

Posted by George on April 29, 2009 at 9:05 AM · Report this
64
Way to take a stand against Twitter, Dan. I also think it's leotarded.

A cheaper option for OTO would be to set up separate accounts on the same computer. I occasionally like to search porn, gossip sights and other things that might be embarrassing if anyone were to see, so I have a guest account set up for privacy. I had an embarrassing moment when a friend and I were searching for movie listings and the wrong thing came up, so I consider it essential to have a "clean" account that is never used for porn, TMZ or any of the blogging I do. Not that there is anything wrong with a little porn, etc, I would just rather not have that conversation with out of town relatives, mom, dad or my orthodox virgin friend.

Also, OTO isn't necessarily being nosy. If her boyfriend googled "shoe fetish" and then she later googled "shoes", she would probably be confronted with his web search habits for shoe fetish porn, because the cookies would bring it up. Or it could show up if she accidentally clicks on the wrong thing from her browser history.
Posted by leotardo da vinci on April 29, 2009 at 9:39 AM · Report this
65
I dont twitter either. Who the heck wants to be followed or follow other people? Do these people have no regard for their own privacy and personal time? Yuck!
Posted by carrieocity kills on April 29, 2009 at 9:47 AM · Report this
66
@ George - yikes! A 10 day period? If mine lasted 10 days (instead of 5-7) I'd be squirrely and wanting sex too.

But, I agree with you, there's much more fun to be had than penetration alone. I don't particularly enjoy sex while I'm having my period so that week becomes more of a fun experimental week.

I use the Diva Cup (similar to instead but sits lower so you can't use it during penetration) which is made of silicone and allows natural wetness to still be present so manual stimulation and great orgasms are still possible.

And while I highly enjoy giving blowjobs, most of the time my male partner and I would start off with oral but finish with penetration. Period week means I get to give blowjobs to completion. Yum.
Posted by Diva on April 29, 2009 at 9:52 AM · Report this
67
According to cartoonist Natalie Dee, "...the word retarded is played out, and there is nothing more retarded than a Kia Rondo, so [rondo] seems to lend itself quite nicely."

Plus it's verbally satisfying to say "That's totally RONDO!" or "You're so rondo." It might even be better than retard, and will only offend car dealers and soccermoms who drive a kia minivan.

Posted by Annie on April 29, 2009 at 10:00 AM · Report this
68
I doubt that the actually mentally challenged care all that much. Or should we eliminate "baby" as a word with negative connotation - as in "stop being such a baby" - because babies and their loved ones would be offended?
Posted by i.c. on April 29, 2009 at 10:09 AM · Report this
69
RE: Let Me Have It

I couldn't resist responding to you, Let Me Have It. You remind me of too many of the lame guys I dated in my twenties. They too were commitment-phobic, self-centered dorks, and I hope their miserable, beer-belly ridden, 40-year-old single asses are all somewhere perched on bars stools chain smoking Camel Lights and reminiscing about their lost loves and glory days.

That said, I went on to become a successful professional, marry a sexy, successful (and happily monogamous) guy, and have two beautiful kids. And if you aren't careful, LMHI, 15 years from now, your awesome girlfriend is going to be writing the same thing about the wonderful husband who appreciates her, and the loser boyfriend who dumped her in her late twenties so he could chase pussy. And you are going to be sitting on a bar stool somewhere with your pack of stogies wishing you could travel back in time and make things right.

So get with it, LMHI. You have nothing to complain about. The truth is that long-term monogamy is a sacrifice of sorts, but when it's a requirement of great relationship (and it sounds like it is in your case), it's a small price to pay for all that you receive in return. Honestly, there will come a day when hot chicks aren't going to look at you anymore, and that day isn't as far in the future as you might imagine. And when that day arrives, you will be much happier with your awesome girlfriend/wife at your side. So apologize to your girlfriend, take a weekend getaway, do something romantic for her, and don't lose the best thing that ever happened to you.
Posted by getwithit on April 29, 2009 at 10:10 AM · Report this
70
Please go back to using the word retard Dan. Leotarded is retarded. You are funny when your offensive. I think a lot of your readers like that. I do. Offensive can be funny when done right. And as a straight man, Dan, I have to say, you do it oh so right. But if you are going to lose retarded, please don't use Leotarded. Maybe you should put it to your fans for an alternative?
Posted by Special Needs on April 29, 2009 at 10:25 AM · Report this
71
In addition to the Instead cup, sea sponges are another option.
http://www.gladrags.com/jade-pearl-menst…
AFTER's boyfriend won't even feel it.
Posted by Cristina on April 29, 2009 at 10:27 AM · Report this
72
LMHI - take a look at this book: Mating in Captivity - Esther Perel.
Posted by Fragglerock on April 29, 2009 at 10:30 AM · Report this
73
Dan - right on to Let Me Have It. He's being kind of a douche looking for a reason to break-up with his girlfriend. That said, my guess is she'd be able to find another GGG kinky boy who'd take the arrangement described. I'm not sure if he'd have such good luck.

Let Me Have It - realize you are SUPER lucky. A kinky girlfriend who is awesome in most ways? That's great. Own your desire to sleep around and figure out a way to do it so you can both have fun with it.

I understand the desire for novelty, but she is letting you sleep around. Have some sex on the side on her terms and be responsible, and my guess is she will open up more as she sees you aren't going to run off. But DO NOT use this opening as a chance to audition other girls.

And finally, give her your permission to sleep around and don't be a jealous twit if and when she does!
Posted by plinky on April 29, 2009 at 10:48 AM · Report this
74
From what I understand, "retarded" isn't politically correct anyway, so he isn't really "misusing" it. A the word literally means to hinder, impede or hold back. So you people automatically associating that word with the mentally disabled are the only ones giving it power. Its hateful because you say it is. Its just a word, let it go.
Posted by Katie on April 29, 2009 at 10:49 AM · Report this
75
I kind of agree with Lathlas. As he said, it's not exactly a term embraced by the mentally challenged (is that really the correct term now?). But also, unlike using "gay" to mean "dumb," which doesn't have any etymological similaries, at least retarded does relate to dumb.

BTW, you can twitter while drunk. But it usually really isn't a good idea. Trust me.
Posted by RS on April 29, 2009 at 11:03 AM · Report this
76
Reply to: "I doubt that the actually mentally challenged care all that much. Or should we eliminate "baby" as a word with negative connotation - as in "stop being such a baby" - because babies and their loved ones would be offended?"

O.K., at risk of being accused of political correctness, use of the word "retarded" is very offensive to high functioning folks with cognitive disabilities. They DO care. Sure, a guy in a persistent vegetative state doesn't give a rat's ass what you call him, but the vast majority of folks with cognitive disabilities are high functioning. And that means that they understand most things. While they may lack the ability to grapple abstract concepts like mathematics, etc, they sure as hell know that's it's not nice to be called a "retard." But being called a "retard" hurts them just as much as being called a "nigger" by a white guy hurts a black person, or being called a "faggot" by a redneck hurts a gay person.

And how do I know this? Well, I used to work with people with cognitive disabilities, and you wouldn't believe how sensitive they are to name calling. I mean, they are just about the last minority group that you can still make fun of in public without being called a bigot. They are, therefore, very accustomed to stares and cruel words. One guy I worked with would actually cry when someone called him a retard. He couldn't read or write, but he lived on his own, cooked his own meals, and was a very pleasant, polite person. He did nothing to deserve the treatment he received from many members of the general public.

Part of the problem is that people with cognitive disabilities are treated like babies, even when they are adults. That treatment is discriminatory. It says that since babies don't mind if you call them babies, mentally disabled people won't mind if you call them retards because they aren't any more cognizant of reality than babies are. Well, that's just not true.

And Dan, as much as I love you, I don't think you should use the word "retard" either. You don't belong to the named group (at least I don't think so!) so you don't have to the standing to own the word the way you did with "faggot."
More...
Posted by callmepc on April 29, 2009 at 11:24 AM · Report this
77
I agree with Christopher. "Leotarded" is an obvious and poor substitute for "retarded." It's distracting and annoying. Come on, Dan. Your refusal to back down from using junior-high putdowns--first "gay," then "retarded," now "leotarded"--is becoming a ridiculous one-man crusade. Why not save your efforts for something important, like educating us about sexbots or marshalling us against sexphobic teeveenewz reporters?
Posted by Amy on April 29, 2009 at 11:25 AM · Report this
78
LEOTARDS!!!!!!!!!! PERFECT DAN!!!!!
Posted by Sapa on April 29, 2009 at 11:44 AM · Report this
79
Leotarded?! That's Gay.
Posted by NOT AMUSED on April 29, 2009 at 11:50 AM · Report this
80
Granted, there are plenty of other words that better describe someone who is being silly or immature in their relationship behavior. However, no matter what alternative weekly you read there's often someone writing in to complain about the insensitivity of using a certain word. "My niece is insane so I would appreciate it if you wouldn't use words like 'crazy' to describe someone who isn't clinically so." It gets to be a bit much, especially when a group of people with a condition get a euphemism handed to them annually by those concerned. "Retarded" has been out of vogue for decades now. "Handicapped" was the it-word for a while, and recently up was "differently abled," interchangeable with "developmentally delayed," which is oddly enough the very definition of "retarded."
Posted by Jeremy on April 29, 2009 at 12:02 PM · Report this
81
OTO: separate logins. Create your own user account and quit obsessing.
Everyone else on Twitter: http://bldgblog.blogspot.com/2009/04/how…
Get over yourself.
Posted by usagi on April 29, 2009 at 12:02 PM · Report this
82
I think it is time to stop defending the indefensible. For fuck's sake, just stop using the "r" word.
Posted by None on April 29, 2009 at 12:09 PM · Report this
83
Christopher - I disagree, I thought Dan's response to TROS was pretty sincere, and his use of "leotard" throughout the column was not excessive. Realistcally, I think that's as close as Dan Savage can get to sincere.

Dan, you made a very good effort there. Now, KEEP IT UP! And BE FIRM!
Posted by Chris in Vancouver WA on April 29, 2009 at 12:15 PM · Report this
84
Yeah, I agree with Jeremy. First n-----s was in vogue, then coloreds was the it-word for a while, then blacks, then African-Americans. Black, oddly enough, is the very definition of negro. So everyone should have the right to select the most disfavored of the alternatives to describe people of African descent.

Right Jeremy?
Posted by Anon on April 29, 2009 at 12:16 PM · Report this
85
I love the word RETARDED! How could you not? I don't understand why being called retarded, which refers to being slow, is any more offensive than being challenged- talk about kid glove condescension.

For example: I wish my boyfriend's cock was retarded sometimes so I could get off without extra manustimulation.

I wish my boyfriend was not retarded so we could ever get anywhere on time.

I wish this debate was not retarded so all the retards who are giving too much of a shit would shut the fuck up.

I wish someone would call me a retard and smear shit on my tits.

I wish the retards of the Comment section would shut up. Oh wait, I said that already. Boy, was I retarded for that!

Retards, the whole lot of em. I'll stand by you Dan.
Posted by jenc01 on April 29, 2009 at 12:28 PM · Report this
86
I love Twitter. It's myspace and facebook that I can't stand.
Posted by sangfroid on April 29, 2009 at 12:31 PM · Report this
87
Also, I personally have made inroads to reclaim "Bitch" for women. I know the older femlibs disagree, but if you own it, the power is diminished. Maybe retards should make it a self-applied term.
Posted by jenc01 on April 29, 2009 at 12:31 PM · Report this
88
Viva Los Retardos!!!!
Posted by foodiefresh on April 29, 2009 at 12:36 PM · Report this
89
Stop being so fucking retarded Chris.
Posted by Mongo on April 29, 2009 at 12:37 PM · Report this
90
My sister is disabled but I don't take the "retarded" comments seriously--unless someone were to say it to her to deliberately try and hurt her. I recommend we all lighten up a bit. I have met many funny, warm, and wonderful mentally-retarded people because I am related to someone with physical and mental disabilities. Changing it to leotard makes me think of dear old Phil Leotardo from The Sopranos. Now will all the Leotardos take offense...will it ever end?
Posted by MissionBird on April 29, 2009 at 12:37 PM · Report this
91
I believe that retards make the world go round. Self-esteem boosters for everyone else. How's a boozehound like me supposed to feel good about anything without having the retarded around to make me smile?
Posted by fattyboombaladdy on April 29, 2009 at 12:38 PM · Report this
92
Mongo is the biggest fucking retard ever!
Posted by Mongo the retard on April 29, 2009 at 12:39 PM · Report this
93
You know what's retarded? All this ado about retarded retards. They don't really have feelings, anyway. They are called retarded for a reason- they're retarded. You must be retarded to think that they're not retards. Really people need to stop this retard madness and get upset about something less retarded.
Posted by liberal... but not retardedly so on April 29, 2009 at 12:43 PM · Report this
94
Google's Chrome browser (not yet available for Macs) has an incognito mode. Works brilliantly.
Posted by I Got Nuthin' on April 29, 2009 at 12:46 PM · Report this
95
OK, this being uber-geeky Seattle, I have to comment that On The Outs and anyone else that shares a computer with their significant other should just make separate user accounts on the damn thing. Otherwise, it's likely you'll get on and find yourself already logged onto your parnter's Twitter, YouTube, Facebook, Gmail, and other personal accounts, which seems to me seems like dancing with danger.
Posted by hotmess on April 29, 2009 at 12:53 PM · Report this
96
wait a minute, dan is gay?
Posted by big tony on April 29, 2009 at 1:06 PM · Report this
97
See? See where your reaction to "retard" has gotten us? If you had just let Dan say retard or leotard or whatever we would not have LBBRS up there making ironic quips about the non-feeling, inhuman nature of actual disabled people. Whenever you try to police language, it gets worse. And let's not get into to this "it's the same as the N-word" bullshit. Each use of a disparaging word is specific--you can't really latch one derogatory onto another. The "N-word" represents anti-black culture. Does anyone here seriously think Dan's (or anyone else here) use of retarded refers to a culture of anti-mentally disabled people? No, and if you do, you know what you are.
Posted by Backfire on April 29, 2009 at 1:11 PM · Report this
98
Why is it so horribly terribly unacceptable for kids today to say "That's so gay" meaning lame, bad, pathetic, stupid? I mean, if retard and retarded are perfectly acceptable and if only an oversensitive asshole would ask you to please no expose thousands of readers and listeners to your use of them?
There's no difference between gay=stupid and retarded=stupid. Except that in one case it's an entitled jerk who thinks he's superior based only on one happenchance of birth (his heterosexuality) and in the other case it's the exact same thing based on his (perceived) mental accuity. You're glad you're not retarded so you can throw the word around as an insult, but somehow it's completely different for those who are glad they're not gay to do the same with the word gay. Hmmm. Pretty hypocritical.
Posted by charlie on April 29, 2009 at 1:16 PM · Report this
99
There are tons of great alternatives to pads and tampons. Check out the links below:

http://www.divacup.com/?gclid=CMX0q9L2lp…

http://www.mooncupsandkeepers.com/

http://community.livejournal.com/menstru…
Posted by anon on April 29, 2009 at 1:34 PM · Report this
100
TROS did NOT make a reasonable request. As someone with mentally challenged people whom I love, it is absolutely ridiculous to say you can't call someone retarded.

Humans need to have the ability to insult each other. "idiot", "Moron", those words have the exact same root meaning as retarded, they were originally terms for specific levels of retardation. Should we ban those too? Get over it, its not Dan Savage's responsibility to coddle your sensitivity. Guess what, it's not a hate crime to call something "gay" if you want. And calling a guy a "fag" is not a hate crime if you're just making fun of your straight friend, or, conversely, if you yourself are gay and making fun of your gay friend.

Stop censoring language, no one is yelling "Retard!" at an actual retarded person, so don't get all indignant when someone calls Antonin Scalia retarded.

Sorry, leotarded
Posted by sirus on April 29, 2009 at 1:36 PM · Report this
101
For OTO, if the notebook she is sharing with her BF is running any recent version of Windows, they can create 2 separate accounts. She logs in with hers and he logs in with his. Separate browsing histories. Problem solved.

I assume Apple would have a similar feature.
Posted by Charles in DC on April 29, 2009 at 2:11 PM · Report this
102
I love "leotarded" and will adopt its use myself. It's funny - as are most people wearing leotards - and does not completely cave to the whiners who have nothing better to do than rally against words not intended in that context anyway. So gay? So what. Last thing I knew, Dan didn't rant about that use of the term either. Actually, I think I recall something on his podcast rather the opposite of that.

And, "retarded" is not the same as the N-word. It was a clinical term - mentally retarded - that was changed to "mentally disabled," which some now wish to change to "mentally challenged" and so on. Where will it end? "Retarded" simply meant that their mental development was halted at an earlier stage - that's what retarded means. That's why "retarded growth" means "stunted growth" in plants and so on. It's just a description, and rather than blowing rainbows out their butts while demanding that people use happier and happier sounding words for every freaking thing on the planet, why don't people focus on actually being constructive if they really care about the wellbeing of that particular population of people.
Posted by DrReality on April 29, 2009 at 2:11 PM · Report this
103
Not using the word retard is the gayest shit I've ever heard. My eyes want to roll out of their sockets.
Posted by JF on April 29, 2009 at 2:16 PM · Report this
104
The happy (as in GAY) people of the world were probably similarly offended when homosexuals co-opted the word for their own usage. So homosexuals can just suck it up now that people have started using "ghey" to describe things as lame or stupid. That usage of the word has nothing to do with actual homosexuality anymore, and as such gay folk shouldn't get upset at the usage. Same goes for retarded. We're not talking about retarded people here, we're simply using the word as it's defined in the dictionary. Keep using the word retarded, Dan.
Posted by ghey retard on April 29, 2009 at 2:52 PM · Report this
105
Who the hell checks their boyfriends brouser history? Psycho.
Posted by Cam on April 29, 2009 at 3:05 PM · Report this
106
"Instead" is evil! It's meant to go in at an angle and sit around your cervix. However, I tried it a few months ago, and during sex it got pushed up so that it was completely horizontal! It hurt like a motherfucker, took almost 1/2 an hour to get out, and I couldn't have sex for 2 days after. never again.
Posted by rien on April 29, 2009 at 3:11 PM · Report this
107
LMHI do not break up with this girl! i understand where your coming from. i made a huge mistake in my life and dumped my ex because i was bored, we had some past issues i "thought" i couldn't get over, and other girls kept beckoning me. it was the absolute worst mistake Ive ever made. not only did i loose the mother of my child, i lost my best friend and lover and there is not a day goes by i don't regret it. life is NOT better outside of your love. to quote the shittiest hair band to ever exist... "you don't know what you've got... till its gone."
Posted by KEEP HER! on April 29, 2009 at 3:13 PM · Report this
108
Two browsers, or two users. All operating systems let you login with your own password and have your own private things.

But Kiki's right: it's hard to avoid browser history. When I type in my address bar, there's always a list of a bunch of sites I visited. And although I try to hide them with that "Stealther" plugin, there's also a few porn sites. Urgh.

On the other hand, Dan's comments don't address OTO's boyfriend's own fears: that his sex life would be branded as shameful. OTO needs to take care of that.

She should stop trying to give reasons to her disgust ("alright, it's ridiculous for me to feel jealous, but it's still downright disgusting to me"), maybe make him feel that disgust ("imagine seeing two hot guys with huge dicks and huge muscles - awhhh! - having sex together". Or show him that sounding image from Dan's post) and then make the necessary adjustments to make it easier for him not to forget his porn (don't forget that a male post-orgasmic brain isn't the fastest thing around).
Posted by Mokawi on April 29, 2009 at 3:20 PM · Report this
109
wait I thought "mental disabilities" WAS the solution to "retard"? AKA: people with mental disabilities are people with mental disabilities. People who need to get a clue are retards, idiots, imbeciles, morons, brain dead, etc...which all used to be synonymous with "retard" in a quasi-medical sense before they became insults.

re: retard v. gay. We want to keep "gay" because otherwise it messes up the abbreviation and no one's coming up with a better-sounding word to refer to dudes-who-like-other-dudes. Or should we be "Heterosexually challenged"?
Posted by a.james on April 29, 2009 at 3:30 PM · Report this
110
Well fuck my ass silly! Those retards are crazy. They'll put just about anything in their pants to slap their spanky/ spank their slappy. Let the retards be in peace with their weiners.
Posted by poboy3337 on April 29, 2009 at 3:54 PM · Report this
111
I've been using my diaphragm for years as a mechanism for both contraception AND my period -- two birds with one stone! Why buy some Instead Cup when you can get a diaphragm that's much more functional, and form-fitted to your vaginal size? (I guess price must be lower?)
Posted by marnee on April 29, 2009 at 4:02 PM · Report this
112
Let Me Have It, you are a total jackass. The people urging you to get your shit together and redevote yourself to your gf are far too kind -- she deserves better.
Oh, and Dan is 100% right -- she agreed to the sleeping around thing under duress, which is of course obvious to you, but because you can only thing of you and your precious wang, you don't give a shit.
Posted by you_suck on April 29, 2009 at 4:52 PM · Report this
113
AFTER's situation calls for DTMFA. He won't go near her pussy but she is obliged to give blowjobs? That's rich...
Posted by Sue on April 29, 2009 at 4:55 PM · Report this
114
I don't think anyone can be blamed for not wanting to have intercourse with a woman while she is on her period, aka, BLEEDING from her vagina. I'm a woman, I have periods, and I've had intercourse during menstruation. It's kinda messy.
My current boyfriend doesn't like to have sex while I'm on my period. He has explained that he thinks it's a time when a woman's body "cleanses" itself and doesn't think it should be interfered with. Of course, I think he's also disgusted by the idea of having blood all over his penis, but whatevs.
I just don't think you can force someone to get over being grossed out by this. Hell, sometimes I even get freaked out by the sight of the blood and I know it's perfectly natural.
Posted by CQ on April 29, 2009 at 5:17 PM · Report this
115
Great column Dan...

As for OTO, I dont think there's anything wrong with bringing up the porn issue with your bf if he fails to meet your completely reasonable request. One slip up? Okay, fine. But, if he's a dick about it, I think it indicates a strong immature and selfish streak and I would consider other options...
Posted by Arlen Specter on April 29, 2009 at 5:37 PM · Report this
116
Firefox 3.5 has Private Browing mode too.

Anyone who isn't using some kind of privacy mode to browse porn on a shared computer is either inconsiderate...

or they have very specific preferences for which they need the web browser history.
Posted by ted on April 29, 2009 at 6:02 PM · Report this
117
All Dan's answers are a little wonky today.
1. The leotard/retard thing is passive agressive.
2. He doesn't get that browser history also includes the address bar (i.e. www.meluvabukakke.pron)
3. He's encouraging an ass stain to stay glommed onto a perfectly loving human being.
4. He confused us all with the Instead cup thing.
5. He doesn't get the benefits/ease of Twitter.

That is all.
Posted by CM on April 29, 2009 at 6:44 PM · Report this
118
OTO, Dan is wrong and very dismissive of your values. Your values are that porn is wrong and portrays women in an unhealthy way. Not only does your BF not share your values (which I think is very important for a relationship to work), he wontonly rubs your face in it. You need to DTMFA. You can do way better than him.
Posted by Writer on April 29, 2009 at 6:57 PM · Report this
119
All the guys who refuse to have period sex are a bunch of fucking pussies. I fucked my ex every chance I got, and thank god she was cool with period sex. Otherwise that's at least a week without sex -- fuck that. It's not even that bad to clean up, just use a fucking rag afterwards. Man up, for chrissakes.
Posted by Al Tilley on April 29, 2009 at 7:27 PM · Report this
120
"Leotarded" was a brilliant one-time joke, and I suspect that's all it was meant to be. But I agree with yep: if you want to change the habit (and I understand that's a big if), use something like "stupid." It's the willfulness of leotards -- the fact that they have it well within their power to be otherwise -- that makes them so leotarded.

So yeah, funny stuff. But I don't suspect I'll be using it tomorrow.
Posted by James, who is an asshole on April 29, 2009 at 7:30 PM · Report this
121
I like replacing the word "Retard" with "Leotard". I'm amused at the use of it in this column as well. After all, when I add a new word to my active vocabulary, I find myself using it a lot at first to get a "feel" for it.

I myself had been trying to remove "retarded" from my vocabulary except when I refer to something or someone with arrested development. I had weeded it out of the "Insult" category, because I had been a champion of repurposing the words "Faggot" and "Gay".

However, I didn't have a word that rolled off the tongue easily to replace "retarded" or "retard" in my own active vocabularly. "Leotarded" and "Leotard", however... are gorgeous. I have never cared for leotards. Heck, I am a costume designer and I still don't much care for actual leotards.

So I intend to adopt your new idea and spread it far and wide!

Thank you, Dan! Thank you for Santorum, Saddlebacking, and now Leotards!
Posted by TKO on April 29, 2009 at 7:32 PM · Report this
122
You called OTO out for "looking at" the browser history, but when a girl types a few letters into a URL bar and gets a slew of pornage in the dropdown history, what is she supposed to do? Close her eyes? I have to agree with the idea of getting two browsers! Much easier solution.
Posted by Neptune on April 29, 2009 at 7:54 PM · Report this
123
LMHI, you are a total fucking dipshit. Your gf would be a lot better off without you.
Posted by assistantrachel on April 29, 2009 at 8:18 PM · Report this
124
It would be great if I could introduce you to my sister Susan who was "diagnosed" as mentally retarded in 1966, when she was just six years old. When she was 16 or so, her IQ was determined by the Department of the Navy to be 80. This was awesome for them, because if she had tested at 79 they would have been legally responsible for her medical care for the rest of her life.

I have no idea what her real IQ is, but I do know that there is nothing in the world that causes her more pain than to be called a retard.

She has been called a retard her entire life - most memorably and painfully by most of the supposedly "normal" classmates who attended all of the various schools where Susan attended special ed.

As a 46 year-old lesbian, I have lived long enough to have witnessed the successful co-opting of the terms gay and queer by my well-educated and politically-savvy brethren.

Unfortunately, retarded people don't have the same ability to co-opt language. Every new generation of retarded people starts fresh - dealing with hurtful words and ignorant biases without any sort of shared history. There was no Stonewall Riot of the retarded population and there never will be.

Sadly, my sister and her peers rely on the mercy, charity, and decency of us "regular" folk. Which means that as a result they are the victims of our willful ignorance.

Dan, you are a gifted writer. Your power with words and language is a rare gift and you normally wield that power with effective and devastating effect.

You are also a clarion voice for the misunderstood and unheard. Plus you're gay! Considering all of that, I feel as though you, of all people, must understand the power of language to affect or prevent change.

Why not take the Hippocratic oath when it comes to those among us incapable of mounting a coordinated defense - first do no harm.
More...
Posted by I'll comment on the sex stuff next time on April 29, 2009 at 8:30 PM · Report this
125
Not digging the "leotard" thing.
Posted by misswrong on April 29, 2009 at 8:48 PM · Report this
126
I don't think anyone can be blamed for not wanting to have intercourse with a woman while she is on her period, aka, BLEEDING from her vagina.


Maybe you missed it, but the guy won't even touch her when she's spotting, which extends her period to ten days. Unless he's an Orthodox Jew, there are only two explanations: he's a pussy or he's looking to get free blowjobs for 1/3 of the month. If he doesn't get over himself, he'll deservedly get his ass dumped.
Posted by keshmeshi on April 29, 2009 at 9:24 PM · Report this
127
In defense of OTO, I request my bf do the same thing-cause w/ our computer, when you go to type in a url, it brings up sites you've visited-when I'm trying to go to seriouseats.com, I really don't need "serioustits" coming up as an option :P
Posted by Grace on April 29, 2009 at 9:34 PM · Report this
128
Well, that's a bummer. I was all excited about the Instead cup thingie, but it turns out you can't use it when you have an IUD.
Posted by IUDs are worth it, though on April 29, 2009 at 9:44 PM · Report this
129
I love Instead (the cup) - so much more convenient and comfy than tampons. Yes, there are occasional leaks, but honestly, I have the same problem with tampons. They're a little weird to insert/remove at first, but after the first couple of times, I actually find it easier (and have I mentioned WAY more comfortable) than tampons.
Posted by Instead Rox on April 29, 2009 at 10:04 PM · Report this
130
I thought "leotard" was a slam on Leonardo diCaprio?
Posted by kinda slow on April 29, 2009 at 11:16 PM · Report this
131
Don't know if anyone's said it (I'm not about to read 127 comments to find out), so... Another solution for OTO is that they set up separate accounts on the same computer; their mutual privacy can be assured that way.
Posted by Matt from Denver on April 29, 2009 at 11:23 PM · Report this
132
I don't really care about policing language. There's not much point to that, and besides, every word has its place. It's not TROS's place to demand Dan to change his language. Regardless, Dan's response to TROS was trite and embarrassing.

I read Savage Love because it is (often) an intelligent and witty column. This week it read as a sophomoric exercise of a person's right to say whatever. The column has lost some respectability and moral weight for me. I don't really look forward to reading future columns. I can't say I'm angry, just disappointed.
Posted by Peter S. on April 29, 2009 at 11:42 PM · Report this
133
A diaphragm also works in place of a cup... does anyone use those any more... I've done so for years!
Posted by Liana on April 29, 2009 at 11:51 PM · Report this
134
They could have a Mac and each have their own account and password when they sign in, hers would be the default.
Posted by digidigido on April 30, 2009 at 12:15 AM · Report this
135
I definitely think that Let Me Have It should break up with his girlfriend. She should find another guy who will appreciate her embracing his kinks and doing the chores he hates. There's some guy out there who will think she's amazing, and if he's not it, let her go. I agree with Dan, though, a woman like that is not going to show up again anytime soon. But if he needs to grow up, he should do it on his own time and stop wasting hers.
Posted by DCKathy on April 30, 2009 at 12:43 AM · Report this
136
my brother is mentally, emotionally, AND learning disabled. after the fourth grade he was kicked out of public school for being out of control and had to go to a private school for pretty extreme cases- after which his use of the word retarded picked up about 400%. Jimmy was retarded because he called Ben retarded and they watched Napolean Dynamite in class and almost everyone agreed it was the most retarded movie ever except for maybe the retard that brought it in.
My point being no one has used the word retarded to describe someone with a mental disability in ages, and retarded has instead come to mean something that is dumb, obnoxious, ect. Language changes.
I for one thought leotarded was hysterical- but that could be because I'm retarded.
Posted by glasseseater on April 30, 2009 at 2:43 AM · Report this
137
GREAT JOB DAN! you're helping alot of people become more comfortable with sex and also opening people up to being more accepting of to many things to list here.
Posted by jesus on April 30, 2009 at 4:57 AM · Report this
138
my ex-wife used the cup; I found it abraded my penis and back when using it with a condom, actually tore a hole in it. Beware.
Posted by ellian on April 30, 2009 at 6:16 AM · Report this
139
This "leotarded" thing sounds idiotic. There are a million other words that convey roughly the same meaning as "retarded" without abusing a group of marginalized people.
Posted by Tom on April 30, 2009 at 6:28 AM · Report this
140
Dan I have to say I love "leotard". I found its use hilarious!! And I have to say all this talk about female issues makes me ill just makes me that much happy to suck cock.
Posted by alansidney on April 30, 2009 at 6:48 AM · Report this
141
Gee, Christopher - skin a bit thin?
Posted by Simon on April 30, 2009 at 6:50 AM · Report this
142
Hey, BAGGOT! Hey, DOCKTUCKING CASSHOLE! Substituting a soundalike word (Leotard) for the word people know you mean (retard) doesn't work because people just make the swap in their heads - so the offense stays the same. Try again, Dan.
Posted by SC on April 30, 2009 at 7:05 AM · Report this
143
LMHI, it doesn't sound like you're just looking for sex outside the relationship - you mentioned that you "miss falling in love." Have you also asked your girlfriend for permission to fall in love with someone else?

Here's an technique I employ whenever I think I might be acting like a selfish douche: I imagine that my partner is telling me the things I am considering saying (or, unfortunately, just said) to him. Try it. If it hurts like hell, it's time to seriously reconsider your proposal.

Posted by a truly compatible partner is a rare gem on April 30, 2009 at 7:49 AM · Report this
144
Oh - and by the way, LMHI - if seeing other people is your only solution, you might want to consider a trial separation. Your girlfriend should be able to fuck other people too, or at least have the chance to find someone else while you're out learning how shitty the dating scene is.
Posted by what's good for the gander... on April 30, 2009 at 7:53 AM · Report this
145
Many people here have been asserting that no one has used the label "retarded" for "ages." Um, as a special education teacher, I know that this just isn't true: the accurate label for students whose IQs are below 70 and who are delayed socially and adaptively in addition to their intellectual delays are diagnosed with "MR" - "Mental Retardation."
Posted by K on April 30, 2009 at 8:07 AM · Report this
146
Dan...wtf. You really should have advised LMHI to dump his girlfriend - he clearly doesn't deserve her.
Posted by jabuhrer on April 30, 2009 at 8:47 AM · Report this
147
I thought being drunk on Twitter was kinda the point.
Posted by Lenny on April 30, 2009 at 9:08 AM · Report this
148
Re the cup: Those who have a contraceptive diaphragm can use it instead; I used to wear mine during my period to avoid staining the sheets. On light days it was sufficient to obviate the need for tampons.

And On The Outs creeps me out. It would never occur to me to check my husband's browser history, anymore than I would read his email or check his cell phone. The only situations under which I could see myself doing this are A) my husband calls me from work and asks me "Darling, could you go check this for me? I can't remember the URL," something that has NEVER happened, or B) if my husband were the victim of assault or murder, and the cops thought the information necessary to solve the crime.

Snooping is low, and it's death to relationships. Cut it out. If you don't trust your lover, leave. If you can't trust anyone, leave and get therapy. But don't go snooping and then whine about it.
Posted by CookbooksRUs on April 30, 2009 at 9:21 AM · Report this
149
Kiki: Firefox supports multiple user accounts, each of which have their own separate history.
Posted by Joe on April 30, 2009 at 9:26 AM · Report this
150
Here is a simple solution for cleaning your browser history (and all other stuff that your computer saves without your knowledge).

Go to ccleaner.com and check out the free download. I use it on all of my computers, and it's great for assuring basic privacy (because, while it may be embarrassing to leave behind a porn-viewing trail, confidential information like bank access codes and private client information transmitted via the web should always be protected/erased when not needed).

If you download this software, make sure to donate to the very cool guy who offers the freeware (and I have no affiliation with him, if that's an issue).
Posted by pchelp on April 30, 2009 at 9:28 AM · Report this
151
Leotarded? Come on! Given the context and the sound of the word, it will still be read as 'retarded' and you know it. It's not OK and you know that too. GTFU.
Instead of 'retarded' and 'retard', how about using 'stupid' and 'idiot', or 'foolish' and 'fool', or any of the myriad of synonyms available in the English language that don't insult people who have to put up with quite enough crap already.
Posted by tipi on April 30, 2009 at 9:29 AM · Report this
152
"I park in handicapped spaces as handicapped people make handicapped faces. I'm an ASSHOLE!"

- Name that tune!!!
Posted by freshnycman on April 30, 2009 at 9:50 AM · Report this
153
We can all stop using "retarded." But then we're going to use "special" or "challenged" in the same way, getting the same laughs as we did before with "retarded." Then "special" and "challenged" will become no-nos when the linquistic overseers decide on a new term.
Posted by berny3 on April 30, 2009 at 10:09 AM · Report this
154
People need to stop being so overly sensitive. I have a nephew who's retarded… that's right I used the word, and want to know something else? When people use the word around him he doesn't get mad about it… In fact my experience has been the only people who have a problem with the word retard, are people who are not retarded, which to me is really retarded. So stop being a bunch of retards and go cry about some other perceived social injustice.
Posted by CM on April 30, 2009 at 10:16 AM · Report this
155
Retarded means what it means. I don't think we should keep neutering the language in service of political correctness. People and things can be retarded in any number of ways. Definition of "retard":

to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede.

Dan, you could use "idiotic" instead. Though people with mental retardation used to be called "idiots" back in the day. That's fallen out of fashion, though, so maybe it would suffice?
Posted by Nora on April 30, 2009 at 10:16 AM · Report this
156
Viewing a browser history does not actually mean snooping. With modern browser auto-complete address bars she could type in a "P" and the first thing to pop up as a suggestion could be "pussy-emporium.com". In which case shes just been assaulted by his porn without snooping.

Buying a second computer in this climate is not a good solution. I would suggest setting up two different user accounts. All the software would be available to each, but the setting for each person would be different. And they autoload when you log in.

OR, at the very least every recent browser version has a privacy or "porn" mode built in. He should have the sense to tick it when he starts browsing so that none of what he looks at is recorded. Be curtious.
Posted by Mark 2000 on April 30, 2009 at 10:18 AM · Report this
157
Comment for LMHI:

My ex BF and I were equally well suited and after 5 years he broke up with me. He then spent the next 25 years regretting it.

If you really want to create drama in your life, break up with her. You'll miss her more than you can imagine but by the time you get over yourself she'll be off happily engaged to a smarter, more appreciative man.
Posted by ctmama on April 30, 2009 at 10:25 AM · Report this
158
I love the Leotarded change!
It makes me think of the 80's with sweat bands around the head and Pink leg warmers!
kelly
Posted by kelly on April 30, 2009 at 10:42 AM · Report this
159
this bad attitude about using the word 'retarded' is retarded. 'to retard' means to slow or hinder, as in 'to hinder the development of' - so someone can be socially retarded, sexually retarded, emotionally retarded, and this has nothing to do with people with other cognitive disabilities. all of these haters are lexically retarded.
Posted by dust4ngel on April 30, 2009 at 10:51 AM · Report this
160
truly. I mean, come on, how self-absorbed and available do we have to make ourselves. For the love of God (and I don't even believe in him/her), don't twitter. FB should be plenty.
Posted by Mo Rage on April 30, 2009 at 11:02 AM · Report this
161
Yeah I gotta wonder if all these guys afraid of period sex also think anal is so hot.
Posted by chi type on April 30, 2009 at 11:06 AM · Report this
162
When I was a kid growing up in Australia, our favourite term of abuse was "mong". Then we grew up.
Why are you so peevishly holding on to "retard", and so childishly switching to "leotarded"??? I just don't get it - it's offensive, and that includes your thinly-veiled "alternative".
Take my advice - drop both "retarded" and "leotarded", and grow up.
Posted by Sam on April 30, 2009 at 11:08 AM · Report this
163
I wonder how Dan feels about people using the word "gay" in the same vein as "retard."
Posted by Lauren on April 30, 2009 at 11:09 AM · Report this
164
Christopher, I completely disagree with your take. It's a word. He's using a replacement word, sure (like "heck" or "fudge"), but he's making an effort. Drop the sensitivity notch down considerably, and take it for what it is: a good-faith effort to change a habit that bothers, clearly, him and his readers.
Posted by garth on April 30, 2009 at 11:18 AM · Report this
165
Love it Dan! Keep it up! i have something similar going in a magazine called PAPEL MAG ( www.papelmag.com ) a puertorican Counterculture queer mag! check out Dr.Hetero(thats if u can read in spanish, hope u can, it would be a blast)
Posted by Dr.Hetero on April 30, 2009 at 11:29 AM · Report this
166
A gash gusher cup? That's nasty! I keep my cooter clean and stuff it with tampoonys until the flow stops entirely. No compaints from my uncle anymore about blood when he fucks me.
Posted by Hermione Hairpie on April 30, 2009 at 11:41 AM · Report this
167
LMHI should watch the movie The Last Kiss... it chronicles his situation perfectly.
Posted by Also Zach Braff is hot on April 30, 2009 at 11:59 AM · Report this
168
Hey OTO:
maybe after looking the the browser history you should look at the cookies too,
Hey OTO's BF:
maybe you should check out Mozilla or Opera and delete private data it's simple to do, oh yea, try youporn.com,
tube8.com, redtube.com, all give nice long movies to watch for free,
also youjizz.com, hotbbwsite.com
Posted by FLX on April 30, 2009 at 12:55 PM · Report this
169
News Media, not being anything like mature, have "discovered" Twitter and are promoting it like the latest Xmas toy. Dan is right for not falling for that.

Twitter is even siller than Facebook for simulated human connection. The interaction is, by its very design, virtually meaningless. Mature people quickly realize the limited value and reserve it for keeping in touch with their kids.

Applications like Twitter are just another crutch for those addicted to constant, simple-minded stimulus.

Reading advice columns might also be considered simple-minded by some, but at least one has to be literate to read Dan's columns -(hopefully also when commenting). They also promote open-mindedness and provide useful information. Things Twitter can hardly claim.

Posted by Liz1388 on April 30, 2009 at 1:04 PM · Report this
170
Agreed. Love the column, but the leotard thing was unnecessary and unfunny. It was a serious request, and as someone who is widely read, you would do well to set an example. You're accepting of all sorts of sexual kinks, why not be accepting of those who don't want to feel that their loved ones are being affronted every time they want to read your column?
Posted by Maria on April 30, 2009 at 1:37 PM · Report this
171
Regarding browser history. A couple people mentioned Google Chrome, which has the "incognito" option to open up a private session whose history won't be saved. Another plus for Google Chrome is that you can create separate *profiles* so that your browser history will be saved, but you won't have to look at his browser history. Much better than buying a second computer, logging out every time you want to switch users, or having to use two different browsers as some other people have suggested.
Posted by Amy on April 30, 2009 at 2:09 PM · Report this
172
Re: Let Me Have It

I have been in the situation a couple of times before myself. A lot of single women (or men) will flirt with you and lead you on when you are in a relationship because, well, you are not in a position to do anything about it and they enjoy the casual attention. I think you will find the prospects diminished considerably once you are actually in a position respond to their advances.

I broke up with someone wonderful for this very reason, and once I did all the women who once fawned over me scattered quickly. I still regret it.

Better to evaluate your relationship on its own merits than compare it to a dozen imaginary one. If you have perfectionist tendencies like me, you always imagine other people's lives and relationships to be much better than your own.
Posted by rdhnc on April 30, 2009 at 2:09 PM · Report this
173
Re: Browsing History and Snooping

Dan, I know you're a computer-leotard and all, but most browsers have an Auto Fill setting that makes any semi-matching websites in the history appear in the address bar as you type.

For example, the girlfriend could go to type "google" in the search bar, and when she typed "go", the website "www.gobs-of-cum.com" would appear if that was in your history.

In other words, she doesn't need to be purposely snooping to have the boyfriend's porn habits put on display. It is possible, however, to disable the "Auto Fill" feature on a browser.
Posted by Mahtli69 on April 30, 2009 at 2:26 PM · Report this
174
Maybe using the word "retarded" isn't really that bad. It's all about how it's used, right? "Retarded" literally means delayed or impeded. It can be used to describe a person's state: socially, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, etc. So let's not retard people's ability to let words evolve into new totally not offensive meanings. Saying something like "Jews are retarded" is kind of vague, and probably inappropriate. Try to figure out exactly how they are "retarded." For example, "George Costanza is socially retarded," is fine, because it doesn't allude to or offend the "differently abled", and it is fairly accurate. Be specific.
Posted by feathered whales on April 30, 2009 at 2:51 PM · Report this
175
One taboo Dan, one taboo will stop all free thought, because crossing the line into that socially punishable thought (taboo) is always possible. A single taboo retards all thought. And you Dan are so retarded.

Your advice to Let Me Have It brings to mind 1950s morality. Imagine one of a straight couple coming to realize an irresistable attraction to another of the same sex. One can imagine the charges of self destructive behaviour, of throwing it all away and then some well-meaning advice to do the best with what you've got. But we don't need to use our imaginations, you Dan, you fucking retard, you're doing it right now.

You're treating polyamory like it's some game-playing exercise, a way to fix the boredom. Is this what homosexuality is? Look, homosexuality was until very recently considered a social deviancy, and still in some spheres, considered such, considered an abomination, and yet today, gays marry, they live together in houses, adopt children as a couple, they vote republican... “Why... they're just like us!”

Thing is, polyamorists are not like “us.” They can never be like “us.” You write, “marriage, in theory at least, means that you'll never again experience the heady rush of new love.” How can this be acceptable?

Who are the most vocal and vicious opponents of homosexuality? What are the conservative institutions that need preserving? Church, Family. Why? I'm not going into some conspiracy theory. But as someone who recognized our purely physical existence, not living in the here an now is totally unacceptable. Marriage creates a “love taboo.” Sure, the chances of meeting someone and falling in love are pretty slim. We both know attractive straight single people who can't find that significant other. But if we are open to it, we sometimes do fall in love. It's rare and it's awesome. We live once, but that's no reason to only love once. The “love taboo” is constantly threatened by the slim possibility of falling in love. To avoid this dangerous other love, we avoid closeness, the intimacy out of which love might grow. Falling in love could ruin everything. What? Who wants to live in a world where the only thing worth living for is considered destructive? (probably people who believe another better world is waiting for them.)

Look at the fear-mongering going on around socialism right now. It's bordering on hysteria, very similar to the way gay marriage is considered. Socialism, too, is a threat to the church and the family. The early European socialist knew full well that the institution of family, was imposed on people by the church, and for this reason wanted to do away with both institutions. But if socialism is defined simply as the practices necessary for the full development of the entire human species, then yes the institutions that limit our ability to be fully human need to be abolished.

LMHI is like everyone in western society completely conditioned to behave in acceptable ways, these ways are unfree, but when he opens up the relationship, when his girlfriend stops crying and falls in love with another man, this is when the bonds of love are tested, and if they hold, and from the short letter it looks like they will, he'll be on his way to a totally different world. My advice would be to read and watch A Clockwork Orange together, and to really try to understand that our social conditioning is a very physical thing; that when we cross the socially set lines it hurts physically. The one try thing you said dan, was that she was not ready, and I'd say he isn't either, because once he crosses the line, she'll cross it, and he won't be ready for that. A big hurt is coming, but it'll be worth it.
More...
Posted by Freddie Engels on April 30, 2009 at 3:36 PM · Report this
176
uhhh Dan
time to grow up...stop the leotard comments. it takes a lot of energy to keep remebering to say leotard...why don't you just stop? i agree it is mean spirited. Maybe some people who thought you were being juvenile might take your sex column seriously....
because we seriously need a sex column
Posted by peaceluv on April 30, 2009 at 3:42 PM · Report this
177
PS
Having someone in your family (or a friend) who is developmentally challenged does not make you an expert on their lives or give you permission for using the "r" word...just as if you have someone in your family who is gay - does not make you an expert on the gays and give you permission to use it as a put down. Dan back to junior high.
Posted by peaceluv on April 30, 2009 at 3:59 PM · Report this
178
I'm never giving up "fucktard" or " no, you're retraded!"

(pronounced ree-trah-dead)
Posted by Retards on April 30, 2009 at 5:49 PM · Report this
179
OTO and her boyfriend need to get a geeky friend to help them set up separate user accounts on their computer with passwords. This should help keep her from snooping. Multiple accounts on windows and mac based PCs are not to difficult and even easier when you know someone with computer smarts.
Posted by S Johns on April 30, 2009 at 6:15 PM · Report this
180
in regards to the posting by "LMHI". I have to agree with Dan's comments. If all you seek is that feeling of falling in love then you will never have the home, family and kids you seem to have an interest in. On the other hand, if you feel you're missing something then you're never really going to be happy with your present girlfriend.
Posted by Cindy Irene on April 30, 2009 at 6:55 PM · Report this
181
TROS doesn't speak for everyone. I have known and loved a family member who is, well, retarded, for a long time. Not only do I not give a shit if people say "retarded," either in reference to him or to others (because what people say changes my relationship with him not a fucking iota), but I also hate to be dictated to by a holier-than-thou "retard protector" like TROS. Go your way and let everyone else go theirs, lady.
Posted by JF on April 30, 2009 at 7:18 PM · Report this
182
Loved all the other Dan-inverted or Dan-popularized terms, but the "leotard" one was mean. Add my voice to all the others politely requesting that it would go away, along with the misuse of "retard." Please, Dan?
Posted by sexy teacher on April 30, 2009 at 7:18 PM · Report this
183
I found the "Leotard" solution offensive and condescending. If a columnist was using derogatory terms for LGB or T people, I can't imagine switching to saying "bomo" or "laggot" would be acceptable. Dan should give others the kind of respect he rightfully expects for his community, otherwise it's hypocrisy.
Posted by boopredjudiceslurs on April 30, 2009 at 7:21 PM · Report this
184
Personally, I use the Boston pronunciation —retahded —as an insult. Since I'm not from Boston, I would never use this to describe someone who is actually mentally challenged. TRy it. It's wicked.
Posted by nabridie on April 30, 2009 at 7:22 PM · Report this
185
To that dude, with best girlfriend, I wanna say that if he doesn't want her- I do. I am a dyke who will treat her right. let me know, she sounds incredible. man up or let go.
Posted by Bak78 on April 30, 2009 at 8:00 PM · Report this
186
Substituting leotard for retard is R/L flippage, and could be offensive to speakers of Engrish. Herro! but still, i like it.
Posted by Sweet&low on April 30, 2009 at 8:06 PM · Report this
187
Instead of "leotard", why not try "bachmann"?
Posted by Tmaeus on April 30, 2009 at 9:01 PM · Report this
188
Lately browsers have taken to including stuff from the global history in the drop-down list of choices when you type into the URL bar. I've had a couple of embarrassing moments that way.

Another solution: IE8 and Firefox 3.5 (due out Real Soon Now) have a "private browsing mode" in which they save no history.
Posted by Z on April 30, 2009 at 9:40 PM · Report this
189
I've tried the cup... not for the purpose mentioned herein, just as an alternative choice to tampons... and I had trouble fitting it, and it turned into a mess. I only tried it once, so I'm not an expert, just thought I'd comment. If it worked for you, it could solve all your problems.

Also, what about doing it in the shower or some other kind of water-related scenario?

And, all that said, your bf sounds like a jerk... I hope he wises up.
Posted by heartsfortheemeraldcity on April 30, 2009 at 9:50 PM · Report this
190
Well... I got some of the softcups. I really really really wanted them to work. I have tried about 5 times now >.>

The softcup won't stay in!

*yosemite samming*

I'll keep trying, and if I still don't get it to work, I'll take one to my gyno and ask if I'm too small or doing it wrong. Good luck to all the others that try it!
Posted by Mila on April 30, 2009 at 9:54 PM · Report this
191
That's leotarded? Fuck you Dan. How bout if I say "That's so May?" I'm not saying gay, I'm just making fun of people who like spring.
My sister's got downs. I've kicked people like yours ass before for pushing her around.
Have a heart.
Posted by Brandon on April 30, 2009 at 10:13 PM · Report this
192
Yeah, Dan, you should just have not printed the guilt-tripping retard letter. All the veiled retard comments were just too retarded. You ended up looking like a retard.
Posted by rtrd on April 30, 2009 at 10:15 PM · Report this
193
Most of the time this column is great. But the leotard thing is barely funny at best when done once and, repeated appoximately 78 times as it is here, it's juvenile, embarrassing, and just fucking stupid ("fucking stupid" is a good substitute for the other word, by the way, especially in a sex column).

Better luck next time, Dan.
Posted by CW in LA on April 30, 2009 at 10:28 PM · Report this
194
LMHI SHOULD have an open relationship. I love it when men who want an open relationship don't even think what that means for their women. Practically every guy on earth is an immediate "yes" for sex. With 85-90% of men estimated to be straight, that's a lot of penis just waiting for a willing woman. LMHI's woman should make out with (or sleep with if that appeals) a different guy a night for a month and then ask her man how he feels about an open relationship.
Posted by Let HER Have It on April 30, 2009 at 10:55 PM · Report this
195
I tried the Instead cup a few years ago and couldn't make it not leak. Plus, it's expensive and not re-useable, so it's really wasteful. Ladies, do yourselves a favor and get a Mooncup or Diva Cup. Best thing I've discovered in years. Only you can't have sex with it in, so it won't solve AFTER's problem.

And thanks Dan for avoiding Twitter! I'm (probably naively) hoping this trend blows over soon.
Posted by Kristen on May 1, 2009 at 1:10 AM · Report this
196
About computer porn:
If you're using the newest version of firefox, the browser history just starts showing up as you type. If you're using Google chrome, screen shots of frequently visited pages show up.

The solution, I think, is for the guy to use Google Chrome in the Incognito mode which would suit their needs very well. Nothing you do in Incognito mode is logged or saved to your computer.
Posted by Mary on May 1, 2009 at 1:43 AM · Report this
197
I think it was pretty uncool of you to cut stuff out of last week's column without mentioning that you did so. I don't live in Seattle and was bored by the Hump stuff. Are you telling me I have to read your column elsewhere to be sure I'm getting the full one? Plus, you edit the paper, why couldn't you put the Hump stuff somewhere else!
Posted by vitaminwater on May 1, 2009 at 1:52 AM · Report this
198
about "on the outs"..c'mon dan. to get here i typed www.t for 'the stranger' and the fact i had been to 'thelema coast to coast' in the past was brought to my attention. OTO (there's a shitload of irony, there!) might not be "snooping". you owe her a...well, nothing what so ever. i'm just sayin'.
Posted by esp3052 on May 1, 2009 at 4:26 AM · Report this
199
Great new use of "leotard", Dan! And I'm with you on twittering.

You continue to ROCK!

I wish there were more guys out there like you.
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 1, 2009 at 5:05 AM · Report this
200
Thank God someone who is finally sane enough to realize that their every single move is absolutely not that freakin' important and refuses to twitter to the world everytime they take a crap! Sorry to offend all of you ego driven maniacs whose entire lives are spent on their cell, IM'ing, texting, sexting and twittering to world their every waking moment but you really need to get a life!
Posted by chrisM on May 1, 2009 at 5:25 AM · Report this
201
I think using the term "leotard" is gay.
Posted by sluggo on May 1, 2009 at 6:19 AM · Report this
202
Dan, I think you missed the point with LMHI. The guy doesnt want to have sex with other women, he wants to "fall in love". No woman, or rather partner, could be secure in an open relationship where one of them is looking for "love" outside the relationship. Is his plan to make other women love him and them dump them?(very mean) Because if his plan is to fall in love with them, it will end in the loss of his partner. This seems like a very red flag. And not a healthy open relationship.
Posted by jojoranting on May 1, 2009 at 7:16 AM · Report this
203
I personaly like the term Asshat. It only insults anyone who wears hat on their ass. This implies that they are stupid and a little crazy, 'cause, really, who wears an hat on their ass.
Posted by jojoranting on May 1, 2009 at 7:31 AM · Report this
204
For browser privacy, you can set your browser, and google as well, so it doesn't record everything and words from past searches don't pop up. Just go to "tools" then "options" etc. It's not very difficult to do.
Posted by pchelp on May 1, 2009 at 7:47 AM · Report this
205
LMHI-It seems that you're girlfriend is doing everything she can to keep you. She probably wants to get married to you but you realize once that happens, the kinky sex is gone. It happens all the time.

It would be best if you two split up. She will go on to find someone who appreciates her but the only way to do this if she doesn't give in to all his kinks, IMO. LMHI needs someone that won't give in that easily plus someone who has the confidence to tell him to hit the road if he keeps asking her to do things that don't appeal to her.

LMHI, if you want to keep her, realize that you will find all sex boring with anyone. Most women, including your girlfriend, don't like the creepy, kinky sex. When you get your head around that, you'll appreciate what you have. You'll have kinky sex most likely until you get married. After that, with the possibility of kids, with anyone, the sex will fizzle. So, it's good to choose someone you can live with day in, day out with some good, not so kinky sex. Trust me, you'll think missionary style is the greatest when you don't get much.
Posted by Wannabe Catholic on May 1, 2009 at 7:54 AM · Report this
206
To all of the people suggesting a replacement of "retarded" with "stupid": it just doesn't have the same zing. It's like saying "mean person" instead of "motherfucker" or "nuh uh!" instead of "bullshit!"

But if people complain, and it's really causing people emotional angst, why not "leotarded"? It's got zing, but it's also definitely retarded. It thus takes the piss out of both the original complainer and from Dan himself.

Points to Dan for leotarded.
Posted by Jack Frost on May 1, 2009 at 8:24 AM · Report this
207
While I was on the bus, I started to read the first Q&A about the word retarded. Thank You Dan Savage for making me bust out laughing! I needed that. TGIF folks!!!!!
Posted by Dancing Libra on May 1, 2009 at 8:39 AM · Report this
208
Your response to TROS and her request Re: Use of the word retarded replaced with "leotarded" was childish. So many gays are offended about how the tweens and 20 somethings are always saying, "gosh, that's so gay" etc...it's insulting to gays just as use of the word retarded(now replaced in your vocabulary w/the word leotarded - which is just a nit-picky way for you to continue using the word retarded. Grow up, man.
Posted by Trey on May 1, 2009 at 8:56 AM · Report this
209
I don't think it would be nice to put retards in a jar. Just sayin'.
Posted by tofu_flu on May 1, 2009 at 9:07 AM · Report this
210
Without reading the 207 comments posted to date, instead of saying "that's so retarded," how about saying "that's so limbaugh" or "that's so coulter"?

By the way, there is nothing wrong or limbaughed about people who choose not to have a presence on Twitter, Facebook, or MySpace. No one is required to expose every detail of one's private life every freakin' minute. The government is taking away enough of your privacy--you don't have to voluntarily surrender the shred you have left. (I had a MySpace page for one week, but canceled it when I saw they accepted ads for Palestiniansolidarity.org.)
Posted by Robin on May 1, 2009 at 9:36 AM · Report this
211
I once went through a period questioning my own use of the term "retarded." I have a cousin with Down's Syndrome, and was self-conscious about it. But I'm over it.

The thing is that while the term has a sad history of use towards challenged people as targets - the word does not inherently refer to just this group. The basic definition of the term is "limited or delayed in intellectual or emotional development." This can describe anyone or any thing fitting the definition. So, as long as I'm not specifically referring to challenged persons, and not equating any one to challenged persons, and because those people certainly do not refer to themselves as such, then what's the big deal if I use that term?
Posted by cb on May 1, 2009 at 9:52 AM · Report this
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Retard: To cause to move or proceed slowly; delay or impede. Eg. "Hurry up you retard!"

Let's take it back yo!
Posted by Scott on May 1, 2009 at 10:44 AM · Report this
213
Christopher - there was nothing mean spirited in that at all - what were you reading?

I think Prostitutes use a sponge when they have their periods...
Posted by Peach on May 1, 2009 at 11:02 AM · Report this
214
Now having read all the zillions of comments, I don't understand what people are freaking out about.

TROS asked Dan not to use retarded anymore

He agreed not to and instead used 'Leotarded" which has completely different connotations - exactly the opposite, actually - so it's actually a pretty clever pun. The word has the same phonetic qualities BUT IS IN NO WAY RELATED TO MENTALLY DISABLED PEOPLE.

So wtf is everyone's issue?
Posted by Peach on May 1, 2009 at 11:15 AM · Report this
215
I absolutely loved the Leotard answer!! And I laughed each time I read it throughout the rest of the column.... "Christopher" must just not have a very good sense of humor... I, myself, may use the term (however, each time I do, at the end of the sentence, I would ofcourse give reference to you:) )
Posted by Mayme on May 1, 2009 at 11:30 AM · Report this
216
Oh Wow.. and all this time I thought Prostitutes just took those days off... Like a mini vacation...
Posted by Mayme on May 1, 2009 at 11:33 AM · Report this
217
Have to say that your response to LMHI, the dude who can't find a reason to break up with his awesome girlfriend, was logical and reasonable but also totally off-base. I went through three years of trying to find a good reason to break up with my ex, and finally I realized: if I'm looking for a reason, it means I don't want to be in the relationship. Could LMHI be passing up the best chance of his life? Sure. But it really sounds like he doesn't want to be in this relationship, despite all her awesome on-paper qualities, and people who don't want to be in relationships shouldn't. Plus, she needs to go find someone who thinks the sun shines out of her ass. I mean, there are doldrums, it's true, but he's LOOKING for a reason to break up with her, not just saying, "It's always been so great, I just don't understand why things haven't been right between us lately. What can I do to bring us back where we need to be?" He needs to dump the poor woman already.
Posted by starfireming on May 1, 2009 at 12:07 PM · Report this
218
I think since Danny Boy is ok with using "retarded" we heteros can start saying stuff like "That's gay" or "Stupid fag."
Posted by Donkey on May 1, 2009 at 12:11 PM · Report this
219
To Wannabe Catholic:

So... the GGG girlfriend is just putting out with the good kinky sex until they get married because she wants to keep him? Because most women don't like the "creepy kinky sex". And the fact that she's "giving in" with the sex is the PROBLEM in the relationship?? You are crazy as shit, dude, and I can't speak for your "creepy" kinks but I sure as hell pity whoever you attempt to have relationships with. The very idea that women should "hold out" in order to keep guys interested makes me sick. It's the holdover from the myth that women don't like sex and will be happy when men stop "bothering" them. Yeah, she shouldn't do things she doesn't want to do- like let him sleep around- but there's no sign that she doesn't like sex and/or kinky stuff in general. Shove it up your butt, WC.

/this comment has waaay too many "quotation marks". Sorry.
Posted by starfireming on May 1, 2009 at 12:26 PM · Report this
220
Re: your response to OTO, you don't necessarily have to go looking through someone's browser history for it to affect your browsing experience. I don't know if you can change this in your browser preferences, but if you're typing in a URL, e.g. michigan.gov, and someone has used the same browser, on the same account, on the same computer to look up a website (or websites) with the same first few letters, e.g. milfs.com, a little menu will pop up under the URL bar, and voila, you get the same information you'd get from looking at someone's browser history, and deity help you if you click on it by mistake.

Also, "leotard"? Really? That's just petty, not to mention willfully avoiding the problem.
Posted by quasigreat on May 1, 2009 at 12:32 PM · Report this
221
2 things.
1. Some Browsers, like Google Chrome have a special browsing mode that wont store your history or will hide it from other users. OTO's boyfriend should look into that.

2. Instead of the "Instead" cup may I also recommend the "Diva" cup? It is a reusable cup that also sits up inside the vagina against the cervix. But it doesn't create waste! Weee and you save money in the long run. (They run you about 30 bucks initially, but you really only need one.) There is a whole live journal community for cup fans and their users. http://community.livejournal.com/menstru…

Posted by Shinobi42 on May 1, 2009 at 1:35 PM · Report this
222
KG- the Cup is real. If you google "menstrual cups" you can see other brands. I know of a few people who use them for ecological reasons (less waste and whatnot) and even had one male friend try to talk me into use them but I prefer to be the arbiter of what does and does not belong in my vagina.
Posted by jess on May 1, 2009 at 1:45 PM · Report this
223
Thanks, Dan, for being a real prick, re your response to TROS. It's the kind of response I would expect from a ten year old; not a grown man and father of a young child. As a gay man who happens to have a physical disability, I get really tired of the ignorance, especially within the gay community. You just showed the same immaturity as all the anti-gay idiots that constantly work against us. FYI, hate crimes are on the rise, thus, the need to include both GLBT AND Disabled to the Hate Crimes Bill is both timely an important. Instead of using this opportunity to champion the cause for eliminating derogatory labels from our vocabulary, you mocked TROS' request.
Posted by Michael on May 1, 2009 at 1:47 PM · Report this
224
OTO: Google Chrome and Safari have built in modes where nothing you do will be saved to local disk. In Chrome, we call the feature Incognito Mode -- selecting opens a special browser window which cleans up after itself when you close it. No passwords, history, clicked links, etc from that browsing session will be saved for later use.

Clearing your full browsing history will degrade your user experience -- the browser is there to help you do your thing, and if it can't remember which sites you like to visit and which links you've clicked, it becomes a less useful tool. With the navigation suggestion and search keyword suggestion features in modern browsers, browser history is a lot more visible to users, and embarrassing sites can pop into view without anyone having intentionally snooped.
Posted by nbc on May 1, 2009 at 2:20 PM · Report this
225
Dan Dan Dan, You were so close to the dynamite! Only one letter away.They're not leotards, they're meotards;the ones that cant get enough of themselves and their own fabulousness,desires,conflicts,belly button lint, etc etc... The me me meotards, while they could be physically gifted, strong and limber as you described them,they could even be brilliant;they should be recognized for what they are- weak. All of this world and the love that is in it is for sharing. So share- and dont be such a meotard.(not you Dan) Oh, and by the way,am I mistaken or did you refer to the mentally challenged as "the weak"? Oh Dan, that's so meotarded.
Posted by A Northern Dixie on May 1, 2009 at 3:39 PM · Report this
226
@jojoranting: I always thought "asshat" meant you were wearing as ass AS a hat.
Posted by Robin on May 1, 2009 at 7:18 PM · Report this
227
To starfireming

I happen to be a married hetero woman and I've been reading Savage's column for years. I like his responses so I keep reading. First time I responded online and I'm flamed by you. You've gotten everything wrong about me.

BTW, I've read this column long enough to see that MANY guys complain that their glamorous GGG girlfriends/fiancées becomes a 'frumpy' wife that hates sex.

I've also read recently many guy's comments about a wife that has oral sex and who eats her husband's cum but refused getting a facial. Almost every guy said that a wife eating their husband's cum was rare among wives and he should count himself lucky.

So don't get mad at me. Get mad at guys who want that stuff along with threesomes, anal, getting on with parsnips and rutabagas and expect woman to put up with that all the time just to keep them. I hate that many women would have to do the bait and switch.

I would say good riddance to them if they need all that to keep it up.
Posted by wannabe catholic on May 1, 2009 at 8:15 PM · Report this
228
OMFG...if there's a gay troglodite, it's you danny boy...I long for the days & wisdom of Ask Isadora....
Posted by IH8THISCOLUMN on May 1, 2009 at 9:05 PM · Report this
229
The computer-sharing couple should have set up separate user accounts from day one.
Posted by MarkyMark on May 1, 2009 at 9:43 PM · Report this
230
Dude, srsly ... LEOtarded?! That's just beyond the pale. Some of my best friends are Leos!!
Posted by samporter on May 1, 2009 at 9:51 PM · Report this
231
Aren't we all sick of the retarded p.c. mafia policing every syllable of the language for potentially offensive valences? Can everyone, including the mentally retarded, the physically disabled, the social minorities, the sexually marginalized, and racially "othered", just get the fuck over being traumatized by words and joke it if they can't take a fuck? There's a difference between using such words to make a clearly understood point (that the person thus tagged is behaving in a less than intelligent manner), and actually believing that mentally disable people are inferior or worthy of scorn (they aren't the people being referenced). If you can't see the difference, then you're just retarded.
Posted by jack on May 1, 2009 at 10:05 PM · Report this
232
cb wrote ..."This ("retarded") can describe anyone or any thing fitting the definition. So, as long as I'm not specifically referring to challenged persons, and not equating any one to challenged persons, and because those people certainly do not refer to themselves as such, then what's the big deal if I use that term?"

The problem is this, cb. You and the other posters that use this lame excuse fail to understand that almost all derogatory terms have more than one meaning (e.g. a "faggot" is a bundle of sticks; "fag" is slang for cigarette). When used in a negative context it can become harmful; at the very least it is degrading, and at its worse, it can lead to violent reactions. Recently two young eleven year old boys (different parts of the country) committed suicide--they could no longer take the homophobic taunting they were getting at school. And though I have only a physical disability, as a child I was bullied by kids that called me "retarded" while kicking my ass. Words can and do hurt, and it is the RESPONSIBILITY OF ANYONE OLD ENOUGH TO KNOW BETTER to set the right example for children. Some of us may be thick skinned, including those of us with physical or mental challenges. But not everyone is.

A relative of mine and his wife just gave birth to a baby born with Down Syndrome. I'd like to believe that they, and their beautiful child can go through life without having to deal with hearing "retard" or "retarded" casually thrown into conversation. They have enough of a challenge as it is.
Posted by Michael on May 1, 2009 at 10:12 PM · Report this
233
Dan---

I take it back on "leotard".
Ummmm....yeah. That doesn't work for me, either.
Like The Lion, I too, have a Leonine (late July) birthday.

But I'm still with you on "twittering", and.....you are a total STUD!
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 2, 2009 at 12:07 AM · Report this
234
The guy with the GGG girlfriend is a FOOL. I concur with a earlier posts. 1. He probably has someone in mind - so he already wants and will cheat. or 2. He will regret breaking up for a long, long time. My husband is so glad that my two, long-term ex b/f's broke up with me, because it saved me for him. (and I couldn't be happier). The two ex's both regret letting go of a GGG girl like me. They have both said it to me, or my friends, family and over the years have both said it to my husband (out of the ear-shot of their wives). So go ahead a break up with her. She will find someone better that will appreciate her.
Posted by mb on May 2, 2009 at 4:33 AM · Report this
235
The Aunt Flo article has now been added to the end of last week's column.

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Savag…
Posted by banksofns on May 2, 2009 at 6:05 AM · Report this
236
Re: Leotarded

God damn it, it’s not enough that I have what amounts to a life sentence caring for my autistic daughter (whom I love deeply), but now I have to read your wise ass comments about using the word leotard? Fine. I’m going back to using nigger and fag. If you don’t like it just don’t listen to me. Jesus, you’re worse that Rick Santorum, you’re just intolerant of different people.
Posted by Lee on May 2, 2009 at 7:24 AM · Report this
237
I never thought autistic children as 'retarded'. Some (asperger's) are extremely intelligent but aren't extremely social.

I hate casting stones at Dan or anyone else. I've used the R-bomb but only describing myself.

I have some strong views and I can see how some are offended. I don't bend easily because it's what I believe as honest. My experience is that guys don't like their women to be 'used' especially guys within their social circle. Seems desperate to me but this is the Internet and much is miscontrued.

My husband is extremely happy with me and he brags to his friends and co-workers about me over what I think are funny anecdotes but what he thinks as strength of character.
Posted by Wannabe catholic on May 2, 2009 at 8:33 AM · Report this
238
I love your column, podcast, books, everything. But, please don't use "leotarded". That is really annoying if not as offensive as "retarded". And since the sound "tard" is in there anyway, it just reminds you of where the use derives. Let's pick a better term. Instead of saying that something is "retarded" or "leotarded" perhaps we could say it's so "Prejean" after the lovely Miss California. But since that also reminds me of Sister Helen Prejean who is fabulous, how 'bout just sticking with "ignorant".
Posted by socgal on May 2, 2009 at 8:58 AM · Report this
239
Wannabe Catholic: I really don't see how I've gotten everything wrong about you. I did assume you were a guy, but I attacked your ideas, not your gender. Yeah, there are way too many women who "fake it till they make it" - to the altar, that is; but those women are assholes, and too frequently end up making themselves and their partners miserable. No one should do things they don't want to do. Period. And the GGG girlfriend is at fault here for "consenting" to opening up the relationship. Yeah, LMHI wants things that will hurt her, but not being honest about her boundaries and needs isn't going to stop that.

What I really don't understand is blaming the people who WANT kink and/or variety for having those desires. Nobody has to do the bait-and-switch. (Particularly since most guys I know are actually quite vanilla.) I don't know if you're familiar with Carolyn Hax, but she's an advice columnist in the Washington Post who preaches the gospel of finding someone who accepts you as you are. I know it can be hard when you're in love, but if there's a basic incompatibility- the "everything's great except.."- then letting go needs to be an option on the table.

So, please tell me why these women aren't responsible for pretending they like and want something they don't, knowing that their intended loves it and wants it on a regular basis?
Posted by starfireming on May 2, 2009 at 9:59 AM · Report this
240
Women are completely responsible up to a point. If their partner isn't coercing, forcing, raping them at gunpoint then it's a women's fault. I know guys will push boundaries like LMHI. If she will only open their relationship up until they're married without letting him know then she's being deceitful. But LMHI may understand this. Could be why he wants to break up. It's pure speculation but what I was trying to say is most women want monogamy and he'll have a difficult time finding someone who wants an open relationship after they're married. It may lead to a bitter divorce battle where she may acvuse him of cheating. Messy.

As for kinky sex, it's not my thing. It appears to me that once one indulges in kinky sex, the sex never goes back to where it was. It just seems to me that a partner keeps pushing the envelope until the other is gets fed up and leaves.

As for accepting others kinks and all, I agree because no-one is perfect and if one wants to be accepted, they need to accept others the way they are. But what I'm saying is that it's not healthy to indulge in every kink you can. A little restraint and moderation won't kill you. It could save your life.

You wouldn't tell someone morbidly obese to eat that entire chocolate cake (or two) that they should keep doing it just because it makes them feel good. Let's face it they aren't starving. But if one says anything, they're going to be shot down.
Posted by Wannabe catholic on May 2, 2009 at 12:39 PM · Report this
241
Heard you on this AmLife today...
Thanks...
Posted by Jake on May 2, 2009 at 1:18 PM · Report this
242
Meh, so the boyfriend has a blood phobia. It could be worse, he could faint at the sight of it.

LMHI, please break up with your girlfriend. She deserves to be with somebody better than a selfish douche like you.

RE: "Leotarded", As a former ballet dancer I am offended and demand you change it to "incognizant".
Posted by Clown Phobia In The House on May 2, 2009 at 5:55 PM · Report this
243
Maybe this makes me insensitive, but I was laughing out loud at "leotarded."
Posted by Kate on May 2, 2009 at 6:37 PM · Report this
244
I think your whole "leotard" bit was too clever by half. Being bombarded by it throughout your column was tiresome. The woman had a valid point which you never honored. Being retarded is no more a choice than being gay. I'm sure you don't like people using "gay" as an insult. I don't think retarded people are necessarily "weak" either. Ask Obama. The Special Olympian who challenged him to bowl would've cleaned his clock and it would've served him right.
Posted by Susan on May 2, 2009 at 7:50 PM · Report this
245
Fuck you, LMHI. Don't be a dick. Some of us who are nice, well-meaning, respectful, and all around decent human beings who can't find someone to save their life, and not for lack of trying. I'd kill to be in your situation.
Posted by kbw on May 2, 2009 at 11:20 PM · Report this
246
Fuck you, LMHI. Don't be a dick. Some of us are nice, well-meaning, respectful, and all around decent human beings who can't find someone to save their life, and not for lack of trying. I'd kill to be in your situation.
Posted by kbw on May 2, 2009 at 11:21 PM · Report this
247
Down with Twits! Yay, Dan!
Posted by Salty Purl on May 3, 2009 at 1:31 AM · Report this
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On The Outs isn't necessarily snooping. That pesky autocomplete feature brings up porntastic URLs enough that I use an entirely separate browser program (Safari) for porn browsing, just so I don't risk hmm-hmm moments while demonstrating things at work (I use the same laptop at work). And sometimes people do want to find stuff again in their own histories, y'know.

Definitely they should get separate laptops. Especially with Dell cutting them loose for sub-$500. Your laptop is your most intimate lover, you really shouldn't share it... unless you have an e-cuckold fantasy.
Posted by Philthy in Philadelphia on May 3, 2009 at 5:22 AM · Report this
249
Hey--here's an idea: instead of the following:

a) retarded
b) fucktarded
c) leotarded

why not replace any of the above with "George W. Bush"?
I think that fits--don't you?
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 3, 2009 at 6:14 AM · Report this
250
Dan, your funny, poignant reading on "This American Life" on Saturday was one of your best and I'd love a copy of it. Do you plan to post the text online? If so, where?

My experience with religion has been very similar and though I am moved by a stirring gospel choir, I don't believe the fairy tales any longer. Thank you for putting these feelings to works better than I could. And warm hugs as you deal with the loss of your mom.

Joe
Posted by DCJoe on May 3, 2009 at 7:26 AM · Report this
251
The cup is well loved by many ladies but let me just go on record as HATING it. Personally, I couldn't get the thing to stay put and the result was one of the most disgusting female moments of my life. If you can get it to work--groovy. If not, absolutely nothing is worth the grossness of its malfunctioning.
Posted by btownblue on May 3, 2009 at 7:29 AM · Report this
252
WOW 250 Comments and NO one, not one of you really "got" leotarded.

It didn't cross anyone's mind how offensive the suggestion of the "retard jar" was? If I write a check to the NAACP can I start throwing around nigger (I donated last year) scott free? If I write a check to GLADD can I use gay as a pejorative?

Dan caught this and instead did something equally stupid and ineffective.
Posted by I GET IT on May 3, 2009 at 9:12 AM · Report this
253
I love the instead cup! It's amazing and most men won't even know it in there. Menstrual cups are much better than tampons and pads.
Posted by Shannon on May 3, 2009 at 9:20 AM · Report this
254
Dan, I get that you're an equal opportunity offender, but as a disabled person, I think you crossed a line from mocking to cruel on this one. Believe it or not, you have mentally impaired readers for whom you are sometimes the *only* source of sex advice, because society so often assumes gimps are sexless. I'm not saying anyone *should* only get sex advice from one person (you or anyone else), but I know many people, both mentally and physically disabled, for whom that is the case. You've hurt some of those people with this column. I don't think anyone really expects an apology from you, but it would be a nice gesture.
Posted by MJ on May 3, 2009 at 9:25 AM · Report this
255
@ I Get It:
Sure, I "got it" too. I still think it was over the line. Consider: when Dan uses "gay" as a perjorative, gay people, by and large, understand that he's being his usual sarcastic, ironic, nothing's-sacred self. They may or may not agree with using that word perjoratively, but they understand that he's not insulting them simply by saying "that's so gay."

The problem, and the difference, with "retarded," or "leotarded," is that mentally impaired individuals may *not* get that. I've talked to several people who *are* honestly, deeply hurt by this column... who no longer trust Dan as a person who views them as having a right to be sexual. Have I tried to explain otherwise to them? Yes. Have they "gotten" it? No. This column was just too heavy-handed for those individuals to accept that this was just "Dan being Dan." They feel they've lost a safe space.
Posted by MJ on May 3, 2009 at 9:37 AM · Report this
256
I just heard you on the This American Life "returning to the scene of the crime" show and wanted you to know how touched I was by your comments on being a "lapsed" Catholic, your wonderful mother and her loss in your life. I was also raised Catholic, (grammar school and an all girl's Catholic high school!) and I really relate to my inconsistent faith when it pertains to the loss of loved ones. You are in my "thoughts".
Posted by Lois on May 3, 2009 at 2:08 PM · Report this
257
@I Get It and MJ:

Yeah, I got it too regarding the jar idea. The problem is that Dan shouldn't need to be weaned off his use of the word. He's agreed that he should stop using "retard" and "retarded" the way he does. The answer is simple--just stop. There was no need for him trying to be funny, which has had the effect of egging on those self-centered individuals that still think it's perfectly acceptable to be insensitive and uncaring. No need, except that it's what pays his bills. The more controversy he creates, the more we read and respond. Should he apologize? No. I seriously doubt that it would be sincere. Why? Because if he were interested in apologizing he'd have already posted it in this string.
Posted by Michael on May 3, 2009 at 3:28 PM · Report this
258
Wannabe Catholic, I respect where you're coming from, but I definitely got the impression that opening up the relationship was NOT about the fact that he can't be happy with one woman, but about the fact that he's not happy with THIS woman. He didn't indicate that he'd ever wanted polyamory before or would want it consistently; I really think it's a relationship issue, an easing towards a breakup. If you will, a "trial separation" for the lazy and living together.

And about kinky sex issues, if someone tries something, he or she needs to be able to say, "I tried it and I didn't like it and I'm not doing it again." and have that be respected. It seems to me that the problem isn't people with kinks, but people who are disrespectful of their partners' desires, and that the solution isn't to find someone who wants just the same things you do(which hasn't been totally feasible in my experience) but to find someone who cares enough about your feelings to respect your boundaries.

Plus, I'm not advocating for indulging in every sexual idea that crosses your mind. Trying things solely for novelty shouldn't be a constant need, and rutabagas really won't meet your needs, sexually or emotionally. (Oh boy, here come the vegisexuals!) But on the other hand, something that tugs strongly and consistently at you and is enormously gratifying(that isn't immoral) ought to be given consideration. Just like I refuse to marry someone who can't accept that I have my very own zoo, all of whom are treated as well as people, I refuse to marry someone who won't be my houseboy once in a while. That's just part of who I am and what I do.

Man, I feel bad for LMHI's girlfriend. It seems clear to me that he's just getting himself geared up to dump her. Now that I understand where you're coming from, though, I appreciate your advice more; if the problem isn't that he doesn't want to be with her any more but his antsiness for more sexual excitement, then he really would do better to put a lid on it. Losing love isn't worth it.
More...
Posted by starfireming on May 3, 2009 at 8:42 PM · Report this
259
Holy shit! There's a menstrual jar?

Where have I been? Would it help cure the 0 -to- psychotic nastiness I experience monthly?



Dan---I really feel for you and the loss of your mother. Please be comforted that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm not Catholic, but can relate to your painful loss: my mom passed away last summer after a losing battle with Parkinson's.



God and Goddess bless, and continue to kick ass!!
Posted by auntie grizelda on May 3, 2009 at 10:12 PM · Report this
260
Wonderful piece on the radio Dan. Thanks for writing
Posted by durham,nc on May 3, 2009 at 10:39 PM · Report this
261
The retarded don't rule the night. They don't rule it. Nobody does. They don't run in packs. While they might not be as strong as apes, don't lock eyes with them. Don't do it. Puts them edge. They might go into berserker mode and come at you like a whirling dervish, all fists and elbows. You might be screaming "no, no, no," all they hear is "who wants cake." Let me tell you something: they all do. They all want cake.
Posted by Wilford Brimley on May 3, 2009 at 10:41 PM · Report this
262
Let Me Have It needs to realize that EVERYONE, including women, including eventually his girlfriend, gets bored when the first feelings of falling in love inevitably fade. (It's a biological fact that this will always happen within 3 years of a relationship, usually much sooner.) If you dump your gf for that reason, you'll always be dumping gfs until you are too old to get a new gf. Dan is right. You are NOT going to do any better. The answer is to spend more quality time with the girl you've got and work hard to create that excitement. It won't come back without effort, and will come and go depending on how much effort you both put into the relationship, but that's just the way it is and changing girlfriends won't change the situation.
Posted by Diagoras on May 3, 2009 at 11:09 PM · Report this
263
To the browser history question, with the click of a button you can permanently prevent previous searches from coming-up when you type in a new word or a letter that happens to also start with his porn site. So, yes, an easy solution for the gf to not find what's on his browser history (unless she's looking on purpose because she's curious and wants to complain...then there's no cure for that...)
Posted by Technology made easy on May 4, 2009 at 12:53 AM · Report this
264
Calling things "retarded" is a habit I'm working on breaking too.



My husband frequently uses "that's so gay" in a derogatory way and I always correct him. I know it's a bit uptight and pc but I don't think you should use "gay" interchangeably to mean that sucks/is stupid/lame/weak. Hmm, how many more late 90's adjectives can I think of? Anyway, I suppose you have seen this campaign from the Ad Council?



Think Before You Speak - Cashier

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEpBYKOs3…
Posted by mistymar on May 4, 2009 at 8:26 AM · Report this
265
"Happy old lady" is so right! I keep telling my ex, who wants me back oh so badly "get your own life and I might consider it honestly" ... It's *so hot* to be with a romantic partner on an eye-to-eye level.
Posted by atbe on May 4, 2009 at 8:37 AM · Report this
marklar 266
Leotarded is definitely passive aggressive

Stupid works as a fine substitute
Posted by marklar on May 4, 2009 at 9:15 AM · Report this
267
How is replacing retard with leotard less offensive than replacing n----- with rigger?
Posted by Winner on May 4, 2009 at 10:32 AM · Report this
268
LMHI, I agree with Diagoras. It's what you make it. But let's be honest, you will do what you want regardless of any advice you get from this column. Shit will play out, you will learn something from your experience, you will still wonder what things wouldve been like had you chose the other. You won't be completely satisfied either way. Basically, it sounds like, you will feel like you lost something or are missing out either way. You know this, which is why you're trying to get both. Goodluck with your torn self. Let us know how it turns out. You know the situation best and I think you know how it will turn out, you don't want that to happen, which is why you asked Dan. You don't want to make the decision. Be honest with yourself and her. That's all you can do. Whatever happens, you'll find a way to justify the decision you make.
Posted by Cdubs on May 4, 2009 at 11:26 AM · Report this
269
I've been disturbed about my own use of the "R" word lately. Thanks for giving my kids and I a substitute that will suffice, although the extra syllable is tripping me up.
Posted by cze on May 4, 2009 at 12:46 PM · Report this
270
The Instead Cup hates the environment! It is a one time use, disposable product. Try the Diva Cup. It is a harder silicone and you can use it for years. Place in boiling water to sanitize. Can't have sex with it though, but I take mine out before sex. Period sex is fun, more lubed up!
Posted by enviro on May 4, 2009 at 12:59 PM · Report this
271
LMHI - That's why it's sooo leotarded get married before you're 32. (more later, more better). For the most part, people need to get all that "I want some new stuff" out of their system and become mature enough to appreciate what you have. Let her go. There is no point in getting married when you're not ready. And YOU are not ready.
Posted by Duane Dibbly on May 4, 2009 at 1:33 PM · Report this
272
Wow, dozens of posts of people reacting against the 'word police' by using retarded in an offensive way. Eeeedgyyy. How's middle school treating you, kids?

If you don't understand how 'retarded' can be offensive and perpetuate prejudice against the mentally disabled even when that's not the intent of the person using the term, then you have no understanding of language or culture. Enroll in a psychology or sociolinguistics class, kids, it'll be enlightening.
Posted by jorauk on May 4, 2009 at 2:53 PM · Report this
Suze 273
The INSTEAD cup is real! It is awesome! It is not more expensive than the other options. I love it! You can have sex with it in, though if he's very large or you're very small, it can be a little tight in there. This might be a selling point for some, though I get worried that the extra rubber-on-rubber friction might damage a condom. Another fun fact about INSTEAD: It's the best protection I've found for when I go to the gym. I can lift and do 200 crunches without ever being aware of it or worrying about leakage. It's the best thing since sliced bread. Though I don't recommend putting sliced bread in your twat at any time of the month.
Posted by Suze on May 4, 2009 at 3:11 PM · Report this
274
I don't know Instead, but I've had the Keeper for over two years, and it's awesome. An IUD keeps me from menstruating very much at all anymore, but when I do, the Keeper's my best friend. Much more comfortable and less messy than cotton alternatives, plus way better for the environment (not to mention your wallet - it's $35 and will last for 10 years)! http://www.keeper.com/
Posted by alexandrab on May 4, 2009 at 5:33 PM · Report this
275
Leotard? Are you fucking kidding me here?!?! Yeah, because i would be ok with it if people referred to my brother as a laggot. Fuck you, Dan.
Posted by Bluemoons151 on May 4, 2009 at 5:58 PM · Report this
276
I don't agree with Wannabe Catholic (#205) in that women aren't interested in the creepy, kinky sex! Who have you been dating!?!? After being in a boring marriage with a vanilla husband, I am desperate for kink!

I was in the same position as the GGG girlfriend, with an almost-perfect relationship and offered an open relationhip to my love, without all the melodramatic crying, because I knew it was a mid-life crisis and he either would grow tired of it or it would become a part of our sex life. However, the foolish boy didn't believe me when I said the thought of him kissing/fucking someone else turned me on rather than made me jealous. He chose to keep lying and seeing people in secret instead of being honest. The ex-husband still regrets letting me get away, so I'm pretty confident that history will repeat itself. I'd rather be happy than right in this instance, though.
Posted by Medusae on May 4, 2009 at 6:21 PM · Report this
277
Dan, everybody knows that you never go full retard in an advice column...
Posted by jack on May 4, 2009 at 7:24 PM · Report this
278
Re. the Instead cup - TRY IT; it's the next best thing to not HAVING a period; you change it every 12 hours, so you don't even have to think about your period all day. It can take a bit of getting used to the first couple of months that you use it, but it's so worth it. I never want to go back to other methods, so I hope a fair number of you other women out there will give it a try too.
Posted by Rachel on May 4, 2009 at 7:35 PM · Report this
279
humph. i
take sister's
point. but if i can call people bastards...which i am. Or assholes which i have.Or tell them to go fuck themselves which is on of my favorite hobbies i say i can call someone retarded if they're being really stupid. Not if they're actually mentally challanged. and not if they don't deserve it. only if they're being willfully stupid.

anne the bastard
Posted by betenoir on May 4, 2009 at 7:37 PM · Report this
280
LMHI is an idiot.
Posted by AMB on May 4, 2009 at 9:09 PM · Report this
281
But see, betenoir, the r-word doesn't mean "willfully stupid". It is a diagnostic label that is still applied to many children and adults around the world because of their disabilities. The idea that it can be separated from meaning "intellectually disabled" just because you are not using it in that context is false. If that was the case, then using the word "gay" to mean "stupid" would have no relation to the actual opinion that loving someone of the opposite sex is worthy of insult.

And really, to everyone here who thinks that their use of the word is ok because you happen to know a disabled person who doesn't mind it... FUCK YOU. There are many physically and mentally handicapped people who have been brutally bullied both by peers and government using the label "retarded". It was not so long ago in our own country that people were locked in institutions in horrifying conditions based on the attitudes surrounding that word.

The history of disabled people has been mostly one of cruelty and ignorance towards people who are just trying to do their best with the life they are given. And if you want to contribute to that, then don't pretend you are justified because you happen to know someone who doesn't mind.

*cough* Sorry about the rant, but attitudes like that make me angry x_X
Posted by Cinders on May 5, 2009 at 12:57 AM · Report this
282
It's about time Dan and everyone halted his verbal abuse of others who face discrimination. As a columnist who expects equality he has a high standard to meet.

What do I think of "Leotarted" ? I think it is still racist. It's like what the other reader said, you would not change the N word to "ligger" or call a Jew a "like". It still carries the slur and shows the speaker to be too lazy to open their mind or open a thesaurus.

Print this list for handy use anytime you need an adjective rather than insulting people who were born with a disability. Used in a sentence: Rather than use the adjective "retarded" the reporter helped someone avoid the same mistake again by calling them xxxxxx.

airhead
apathetic
ass
asshole
balky
barbarian
birdbrain
blockhead
bonehead
boob
bozo
brainless
chowderhead
chump
clod
clueless
delusional
dense
dim
dimwit
dingbat
doofus
dope
dork
dull
dullard
dunce
fool
ignoramus
ignorant
imbecile
impenetrable
inflexible
intractable
intransigent
knucklehead
lamebrain
luddite
lug
lummox
meathead
moron
mulish
naive
nincompoop
ninny
nitwit
numbnuts
numbskull
nutbag
oaf
obdurate
oblivious
obstinate
peabrain
pigheaded
schmuck
simpleton
slow
stupid
thick
twit
unimatinative
uninformed
unintelligent

PS: I just used the 2 second keyboard shortcut to open my computer thesaurus. Dan, how hard is that? The shortcuts vary a bit, but in MS WOrd for the mac simply leave the cursor on a word like "stupid" and press and hold Option + Apple then tap the letter: R

Macs with OS 10.4 come free with the amazing Oxford English Dictionary, Look under applications on your hard drive.

If you can't do that you're willingly ignorant, and all of the above.
More...
Posted by Norseman on May 5, 2009 at 1:36 AM · Report this
283
There is a self-congratulatory and covertly abusive feel to "Let Me Have It"'s letter. He is wonderful and it breaks his heart to deprive the women of the world of this wonderfulness. And yet his girlfriend is in tears and has been coerced into accepting that he cheats openly on her. Naturally, she will feel worthless for putting up with such a tool and this will reinforce the tool's opinion of himself as God's Gift to Pussy.

Y-U-C-K

Please just dump your girlfriend and let her move on. She'll cry for awhile and then in 8 - 10 months she'll thank GOD that she is rid of you.

Go. Please the countless drooling ladies awaiting you. Just let this poor girl get out there and find a real man.
Posted by Been There on May 5, 2009 at 3:17 AM · Report this
284
Dan,

This might not be the right way to post a letter, hope it gets to you. My girlfriend, whom i love with a totality I have never before experianced, occaisionally asks me to choke her while we are having sex. This scares me and it is generally difficult for me in the sense that it sorta feels like an act of violence even though it is not intended this way, it just feels like it. If I can figure out how to do this safely for her, if there is a safe way to do this, I will. If not, it is not likely to leave her disconsolate and unsatisfied so I could opt to not without losing her I think.
If I can please her this way i will, for her, is there a safe way to do this?
Posted by seeking advice on May 5, 2009 at 11:46 AM · Report this
285
My name is Leo, and I am also a Tard. And I take EXTREME offense to this! I am not a Leotarded.. or maybe I am? I hate you!!!!
Posted by Nipplestiltskin on May 5, 2009 at 12:04 PM · Report this
286
Seeking Advice: Dude, there is NO way to safely choke someone. The thrilling sensation people experience when they are choked comes from oxygen deprivation. Oxygen deprivation can cause brain damage or death. Choking your girlfriend aught to scare the shit out of you. You should go with your gut on this one and tell her that choking is out of bounds for you. But that doesn't mean you have to leave her unsatisfied. You sound pretty willing to accommodate her, so perhaps you can offer to explore other avenues of sexual adventure with her - heaven knows there are countless ones out there!
Posted by olympia1970 on May 5, 2009 at 6:56 PM · Report this
287
Sock it to all those leotards, Dan. Love it.

Hey OTO, download the new google browser Chrome on your shared computer and set it to incognito. That way it won't save anything in the browser history when you, your boyfriend, dinner party guests, or others cruise the web to indulge their porno preferences.
Posted by Lisa on May 6, 2009 at 3:34 PM · Report this
288
@KEEP HER
first off... I didn't realize you DUMPED ME, that's good to know... and secondly "girls were beckoning you"... my oh my... the wondering eye, and the good old term "the grass is always greener..."
to bad you realized to late huh!
Posted by Rawknbetty on May 6, 2009 at 4:47 PM · Report this
289
I tried avoiding using the term 'gay' in a perjorative sense for years, especially around my homo friends. Weird though: when I corrected myself, they looked at me funny. It took me a while to realise they used the word the same way. "That's so gay" when a manager makes a dumb rule, and so on.

I asked one about it. He said he just uses it like other people do, and it's just another word with two meanings. 'Homo' and 'annoying or dumb'. No big deal, and he knows, when people use it perjoratively, they generally aren't trying to associate gay people with being dumb.

Get over it already.
Posted by Rophuine on May 6, 2009 at 7:01 PM · Report this
290
Yes, Rophuine, your gay friends speak for gay people everywhere, who are a hivemind.

Also, there's no way any given gay person can be homophobic or unknowingly propagate homophobia, oh no, that's completely impossible.
Posted by jorauk on May 7, 2009 at 12:17 AM · Report this
291
Seriously, why are so many of you people dumb enough that you can't see the stupidity of this argument? "Well my gay/retarded acquaintance doesn't care about that slur, so get over it, you oversensitive PC wuss!"

Aside from the general fallacy of anecdotal evidence, there's also a massive dose of heterosexual/ableist privilege going on there. There are tons of mentally disabled and homosexual people who find 'retarded/gay' offensive. They're not WRONG just because there happen to be homosexual and mentally disabled people who don't find those slurs offensive, assuming your inane little anecdotes are even true to begin with. How about you stop telling minorities what they shouldn't be offended by, assholes?
Posted by jorauk on May 7, 2009 at 12:28 AM · Report this
Paxlotl 292
retarded people don't know they're retarded so saying they could be offended by "retarded" is retarded
Posted by Paxlotl on May 7, 2009 at 11:55 AM · Report this
293
While it is smart to take anecdotal evidence with a grain of salt--and to realise that one person does not speak for everyone--be aware that it goes both ways. Yes, there are people who know people who aren't offended by something, or who themselves aren't offended by something other people feel they should be offended by, and there are also people who are offended. No individual of either group speaks for the whole.

While we're talking about offensive terms that are used out of their appropriate context, how about bitch? Or cunt? Or the countless other sexist and degrading names we call not only women, but people we don't like. Both are taken way out of context, and are made to mean something they do not (for example, a bitch is a female dog; consider how stupid it would be to call someone a mare). Many of the insults we use today are words that take on a different meaning in the context of an insult than they do in their original form. And unless you plan on changing all of them, get with it or get over it. We hear many things we don't agree with, and many things we find offensive (which are sometimes, shockingly, not words of insult, and are in fact MUCH more important than this topic). Save your rage for those, and understand that not everyone thinks like you do. Freedom of speech can be unfortunately used, but it's there. And you have the right to be offended. But not to force someone else to be offended because you are, or to change their behaviour just for you.
Posted by Step back and breathe, people on May 7, 2009 at 3:33 PM · Report this
294
My god. Go back and read my comment. Then read it again. Where did I mention that my gay friends speak for all gay people, everywhere? My comment was an anecdote. I didn't say the whole gay community takes the same attitude.

My point was exactly what I said: people use words for multiple meanings, and intentions aren't always to hurt. Correct them, sure, but as has already been said, if the perjorative use really offends you, and everybody uses it, time for some thicker skin.

Work for change, sure. But 'get over it already'. Sorry I wasn't clear enough the first time 'round.
Posted by Rophuine on May 7, 2009 at 4:12 PM · Report this
295
If they don't speak for all gay people everywhere, then who the fuck cares what your gay friends happen to think? Why tell gay people to 'get over it already' based on your stupid anecdote?
Posted by jorauk on May 7, 2009 at 11:54 PM · Report this
296
Leotarded is hilarious, and makes me think of Leo Dicaprio and Titanic, and also of that *crazy* American Apparel ad with the leotard for pregnant chicks. Also, the movie The Night Porter with that gay ass ballet-clown-in-leotard scene. Hahaha, Leotarded!

That shit is so gay.
Posted by heatherly on May 8, 2009 at 2:16 AM · Report this
297
Instead cup user here. First time commenter because this is a great product. Since I started using Instead softcups, it's almost like not having a period. I even forget sometimes. I used to watch tampon and FDS commercials with horror thinking "women do NOT talk to each other like that!", but since I found Insteads, I am one of those women. If you want to use the other brands listed in the comments, go ahead - when you make it work you'll never be using a tampon or pad again.

To whomever can't use it right, don't be shy. The worst thing about them is you have to touch yourself. Yes, you do. You must hook it behind your pubic bone, which means you need to find your pubic bone. Try it when you're not having your period - the cup can be inserted and removed as often as you need to (unlike tampons which can't be removed without hurting until they're sufficiently saturated) so practice. My friends report it taking a couple months to get used to, so they wear pantiliners for the trial period, so to speak. I haven't used anything else in so long, I don't remember my learning curve. I remember being concerned that it would be gross. It is not much messier than tampons only the cup never smells, and it's so much less smelly and gross than pads that I will never willingly go back.

I don't know why they say the cup's not reusable. I use one per period and rinse it out in the shower in the morning. Soap it up a little, rinse and put back in and you're good to go, unless your body reacts negatively to it, and toss at the end of the week. On some heavy days its easier to just throw it out when I have to change it at work one day, so I might use two. Dump it out before sex or the gym and (after a good #2). The date knows its there, but doesn't care.

Regardless of brand, menstrual cups are the best product for periods I have ever used.
More...
Posted by CrankyOtter on May 10, 2009 at 4:53 AM · Report this
298
LMHI is having cold feet. And he's also a major douchebag.

Here's the thing...when he says they've been "talking about" marriage and such for a year, who's doing the talking? Very few women will just go and broach this subject, because we all know damn good and well that it'll generally send a man running like a bunny. You wait for him to do the talking...and here's where it gets really incredibly selfish...anyone get the feeling that LMHI is the one who brought up the M word? And is now scared shitless about the marvelous idea he had? And has now led on his girlfriend for over a year about their fabulous future, when he really just plans on dumping her as soon as he can find a reason he can tell everyone they know without sounding like a ginormous douche?

EVERYONE gets bored from time to time, and, knowing there is a last first kiss just makes all other peoples' lips incredibly tempting...but those lips, those other peoples' lips, aren't going to magically be new again all over again every day. Soon, those other lips will be boring, too. And then, after you've run through all the strange lips and are 70 and alone, just where the fuck do you think you'd find new lips to kiss? Who'll hold your hand while you're dying slowly for years? You think some little new pussy you picked up at the bar is going to care for you, accept you, and keep your kinky secrets? Good fucking luck, and good riddance.

LMHI's girlfriend should drop his pussy chasing, game playing, peter pan ass to the curb hardcore.

LMHI's girl:
Go out and find yourself a kinky MAN, and leave the little boy who is playing with you like a novelty toy (just going through his list of kinks to get them all out of the way with the person who loved him enough to indulge him...and maybe enjoyed them, too ;) ) and find someone who adores YOU and not what kinky ideas just popped into his head...you should be his goddess, not his convenience...
More...
Posted by soupprincess on May 11, 2009 at 2:08 AM · Report this
299
I am dyeing with the leotarded. Absolutely dyeing. Jesus Christ you're funny. I have the same wicked habit of constantly dropping the r-bomb. But God that's a great way of dealing with it AND it makes me crack up everytime I read it. LMHO.
Posted by bluesandteals on May 11, 2009 at 8:47 PM · Report this
300
Hmmm. I can tell gay people, people with mental deficiencies, and hell, let's throw in red-headed girls too, to get over it for whatever reason I want. If you're offended by something that's all around you, it's a pretty damn good way to stop being offended. Once you're not spending all your time untwisting your knickers, you might have time to educate people and try to stop the hate.

Just a thought.
Posted by Rophuine on May 12, 2009 at 4:17 PM · Report this
301
Give me a break, folks. My father teaches special education. And calls me a retard. The concept of calling someone a "retard" is that most severely mentally hadicapped people, in many, though not all cases, have an IQ severely lower than that of a "normal" person. Calling someone "gay" as prejorative is a different story- you're insinuating that being gay is a negative and undesirable thing, and that being called gay is some sort of stigma. Calling someone a retard insinuates that they are just not very bright... With no negative feelings directed towards mentally handicapped folks.
Posted by tlaketiger on May 18, 2009 at 3:32 PM · Report this
302
Or they could use two different kinds of browsers like FireFox and Explorer or SeaMonkey or something...... That way he has his browser, she has hers, he can look at all the porn he wants, and she doesn't need to get an entire new laptop.
Posted by SLAMB on May 25, 2009 at 6:34 PM · Report this
XiaoGui17 303
Trust me Dan, I've been to Twitter and many people and do it and drink simultaneously. In fact, it's more likely they'll Tweet (or twat, as us sickos like to call it) if they are buzzed.
Posted by XiaoGui17 on June 6, 2009 at 4:15 PM · Report this
304
I went cross-eyed reading the comments on here, but nobody seems to have made what I thought was the most important point about retarded vs. leotarded - nobody chooses to be a retard, but people *do* choose to put on leotards - and boy do those things look silly.
Posted by Emanix on July 21, 2009 at 6:14 AM · Report this
305
I agree that it doesn't make sense for you to go through his browsing history. Also, he should make effort to keep his porn viewing private and not in open.
Posted by online-dating http://hintcafe.com on September 9, 2009 at 11:50 PM · Report this
Posted by learnqurantutor on May 23, 2010 at 11:10 PM · Report this
307
"...you have lots of listeners and readers who have loved ones with mental disabilities, and we don't want to hear you misuse the word "retarded." "

Doesn't all that imply that the proper use of the word "retarded" is in reference to the mentally handicapped?
Posted by Bob bob bob bobby on February 8, 2011 at 2:27 PM · Report this
308
"I went cross-eyed reading the comments on here, but nobody seems to have made what I thought was the most important point about retarded vs. leotarded - nobody chooses to be a retard, but people *do* choose to put on leotards - and boy do those things look silly. "

I literally laughed out loud. Breathtaking comment my friend. I wore a leotard last halloween, I picked up a pretty attractive girl too - http://attractwomenx.com/how-to-attract-… - anyway, onward.
Posted by Eljay on May 8, 2011 at 1:04 AM · Report this
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310
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Posted by Rencontre on September 18, 2011 at 4:19 AM · Report this
311
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Posted by sohbet on October 9, 2011 at 6:03 AM · Report this
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I don't get the leotarded thing. Who is this Leo? And if you mean the dance apparel, that would insult refined people everywhere that love ballet and the arts et al.

Moron and cretan do not carry the same verbal currency as retarded, and yet they have the same clinical lineage. All of the above have fallen into desuetude in the clinical world. Only a churl would use them to mean an actual person with mental challenges.

Sparingly, they can be applied to those who should have sufficient intelligence, but fail to act it. However, the key here is sparingly. I wish you well on your verbal make-over.
Posted by MareRocks on April 30, 2012 at 5:38 PM · Report this
313
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Posted by GregBukowski on December 9, 2013 at 2:29 AM · Report this

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