Savage Love Podcast

Check out the all new Savage Lovecast site!

Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.

Savage Love Archives

More in the Archives »

More from Dan Savage

More in the Archives »

Books by Dan Savage

Want a Second Opinion?

Contact Dan Savage

Savage on YouTube

Loading...

Young Love

August 7, 2003

By Dan Savage
In and Out

I'm a 19-year-old girl dating a 21-year-old guy. We've been dating for a year and a half, love each other dearly, have a great time together. In bed the other night, my sweet boyfriend let me put a vibrator in his ass. He wanted to do it to me, so I told him (invoking some advice I remember you giving) that he could do it to me after I did it to him. Everything was fine until a few minutes before he came, when he started (unconsciously?) muttering something about a "big black man" fucking him in the ass.

I wasn't bothered initially--fantasies aren't necessarily actual desires, people say all kinds of weird things during sex, etc. It was only upon further reflection that it started to worry me, because he constantly teases me about wanting a big black man instead of him (nice, white, Jewish). So what's the deal? Does the whole "big black man" thing stem from penis envy, or is he projecting fantasies onto me? Is this a part of him I need to worry about? Help, please, I'm flipping out!

Freaked Out Female

Sorry, FOF, but your boyfriend's outburst isn't just a fantasy, nor can it be chalked up to run-of-the-mill penis envy. While a lot of straight guys with penis envy worry that their girlfriends would rather be with men with bigger cocks, rare indeed is the straight male penis-envy sufferer who expresses a burning desire to have a big, black cock shoved up his skinny, white ass.

So is your boyfriend gay? No, not necessarily. Your nice, white, Jewish boyfriend isn't 100 percent straight either, that we can say for sure, but whether he's straight enough for you is something you'll have to determine for yourself. Clearly some chunk of his sexual fantasies (and, sooner or later, his sexual reality) involves big black men. And why would an otherwise straight guy have fantasies about big black guys? Since his fantasies are so clearly rooted in cultural and sexual stereotypes about black men, FOF, perhaps those stereotypes tweak, in an erotic way, your boyfriend's own feelings of sexual inadequacy. But you'll have to check with him about it.

So I'm going to encourage you to be very bothered by your boyfriend's not-so-unconscious mutterings, to talk about them with him at length, his discomfort be damned. If you don't want him sneaking around your back to realize this fantasy, you're going to have to come to some sort of workable compromise, assuming you're not interested in having, say, a three-way with a big black man at some point down the road. I urge you not to take "I may fantasize about big black men but I would never act on this fantasy..." for an answer, FOF. If he's yakking about these fantasies at 21, he will be acting on them soon enough. For your own safety, you don't want him doing this "on the down low," as the big black men like to say.

Finally, I'm going to get two kinds of letters after your problem appears in my column, FOF. Black men and sensitive white men will write in to complain about the "big black man" thing--i.e., the stereotype that black men are all sexual aggressors with huge cocks just itching to rape nice Jewish boys while their 19-year-old girlfriends watch. Their complaints are justified: Not all black men are mean-ass motherfuckers with great big dicks. The other kind of letter I'll get will be from mean-ass black motherfuckers with great big dicks offering to rape your boyfriend's ass while you watch. Let me know if you want me to forward any of the second batch on to you.

After having anal sex for the first time with my girlfriend of one year, she insisted that I--a straight guy--should reciprocate by allowing her to anally penetrate me with the tool of her choosing. Rather frightened, I protested this claim and insisted that no such agreement had been made prior to having anal intercourse. This isn't something that would break up the relationship, as far as I know, but can I justify my refusal to let her peg me within the confines of a give-and-take relationship? Or, am I morally obligated to let her have her way with my rear end?

I trust your wisdom, and I will allow your decision to become mine.

No Funny Acronyms

And just how am I supposed to make an unbiased decision under these circumstances? I mean, on the one hand I don't think you're obligated to let your girlfriend fuck you in the ass... but on the other hand I think all straights guys everywhere should take it in the ass at least once. (Which is why I got cut from the cast of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.) So, gee, I don't know what to tell you, NFA. I do, however, have a few things I'd like to tell your girlfriend:

While I hope you win this argument, NFA's girlfriend (we'll call you NFAG for short), I don't think your boyfriend is obligated to let you have your way with his ass. If your getting to do his ass was a condition of him doing your own, NFAG, he needed to know that before he did your ass so that he could make an informed choice. When he first suggested anal sex, you needed to say, "I will let you if you will let me do you first." (You doing him first, of course, because you don't want him to back out after he's had his shot.) You simply can't spring "And now it's your turn!" on a guy.

Finally, NFAG, if you want to do your boyfriend's ass because you sincerely believe that your boyfriend would get off on being penetrated just as much as you would get off on penetrating him, then you should be able to talk him into it. But if you want to stick something in his ass purely to avenge your own, well, then you need to let him off the hook or I will be forced to place this curse upon you: If you stick something in your boyfriend's ass out of spite and not desire, NFAG, I hope your boyfriend enjoys it so much that you spend the rest of your life sticking things in his ass, from tools of your choosing to table legs to the occasional big black man.

In your advice to Sticky Mess, the woman whose boyfriend will only come on her belly, you missed one obvious point:

Sticky "claims" she has been on birth control for three years, but any man who takes a woman's word for that is draping his weenie on a chopping block. Granted, it is not a problem you are likely to have, but the fact is that women still use pregnancy as a way to get the man they want, and even if he doesn't marry the chick, he still might be signing up for 18 years of payments if she starts to swell up. Birth control is the dude's responsibility too, and since this guy is not wearing a condom, pulling out and splurting all over her belly (I prefer the face, but I am kinky) is better than nothing. Or better yet, roll her over and use the ol' brown eye.

Been There

Gee, BT, you're such a charmer--chopping blocks? brown eyes?--that I imagine every woman you meet is anxious to bear your child. But for the record: Pulling out is not birth control, guys.

mail@savagelove.net

Share via

Savage Love App
 

Commenting was not available when this article was originally published.

Comments (6) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
Pulling out IS a form of birth control. When done consistently, it is almost as effective as condoms.
Posted by ladynuca on October 18, 2009 at 12:29 AM · Report
2
um...while it may be a form of birht control it is not a very good one. pulling out is NOT an effective form of birth control because men have this thing call precome - I'm sure you've heard of it? While the sperm count is quite low it is still possible for this to get a girl preggers. Also, for some guys there is the small problem of premature ejaculation. If he was really worried about pregnancy he should wear a condom and have his gf on the pill.
Posted by CorrectInfo on October 25, 2009 at 5:10 AM · Report
3
Pulling out is the best idea for getting your stupid ass pregnant. I cannot tell you how many friends have had to deal with the consequences of pulling out. And beyond anecdotes, health experts put "pulling out" as only 70% effective -- so have sex once a month like that and chances are you'll conceive within the year. Compare it with the 94% condom rate.
Posted by Extuno on July 26, 2010 at 9:29 PM · Report
4
Extuno and Correctinfo, that is just not true. Planned Parenthood says that pulling out is 96% effective if always done correctly, which, as ladynuca says, is almost as effective as condoms (98%). Check it out:

http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-…

It is a widespread myth that pre-ejaculate contains sperm - I'm sure it's one that is even disseminated (ha ha) in sex-ed classes. However, it has long been scientifically proven that it does not:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286…

The only way it could is if there is still live sperm left in the urethra from a recent ejaculation which is then carried out by the fluid. But this sperm can be flushed away by urinating after ejaculation, if you plan to continue playing.

Of course it is not recommended for guys dealing with premature ejactulation, or for inexperienced guys who won't have enough awareness and self-control to pull out on time. That's why it has a bad rap in the U.S., because it's a terrible public health idea to recommend it to teenagers, people under the influence of alcohol or drugs, or people having casual sex with people they don't know and trust. But if you're with someone you trust to pull out on time, it's actually a very good method.
Posted by hedda_lettuce on December 6, 2010 at 9:56 AM · Report
5
Scientifically proven: no sperm in pre-ejaculate:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12286…

Planned Parenthood says: pulling-out 96% effective:
http://www.plannedparenthood.org/health-…
Posted by hedda_lettuce on December 6, 2010 at 10:01 AM · Report
6
I'm with the lettuce. I looked up the statistics after my friend told me she was using withdrawal only, so I could tell her she was being a fool. I was surprised to find that perfect use is actually pretty effective. The main problem with it is that huge gap between perfect and typical use, which means that most men are crap at getting their dick out in time. It's not a good method for most people, but if the man involved has the necessary self-control, doesn't leave sperm hanging around between rounds, and the couple is willing to deal with a few extra percentage points of risk, it's a reasonable choice for them to make.
Posted by iiieeeoo on December 14, 2010 at 6:00 AM · Report

Add a comment