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Work Your Way Up to the Fucksaw
January 16, 2013
My name is Nancy, and I'm 19. My boyfriend's name is Carl, we have been together for almost a year-our anniversary is actually February 14!-and we have great sex frequently! I want to do something sexy for us on our anniversary. I plan on being with Carl for years to come, and I don't want the sex to become monotonous. For a while, I've wanted to go to a sex store to purchase a few things to spice things up. I found a supportive, nonjudgmental friend who wants a few kinky things for her and her boyfriend. As you can imagine, we're both excited to go on this adventure, but there's just one problem: I have no idea what to buy! Neither does my friend! I was hoping you had a few essentials that my friend and I should know about or consider purchasing. My boyfriend and I have never used such things, but I'm positive that with your help making the right purchases, he will be all for it! Both my friend and I are college students, so we're on a budget. I'm hoping to stay under $100! I just want to keep our relationship going strong and keep things interesting between us sexually. Thanks, Dan!
Needs A Naughty Connection, Yo!
One man's scorching-hot sex toy is another man's boring old roll of duct tape, NANCY. By which I mean to say...
Turn-ons are subjective. Not all women are to all men's tastes, not all men are to all women's, and not all sex acts appeal equally to all. Likewise, sex toys that I might buy for my partner—sex toys I might be inclined to mention when asked to recommend one or two—might not appeal to your boyfriend. I'll go further than that: The sex toys that turn my husband on would either terrify or stump your boyfriend. Instead of buying the sex toys that turn me or my husband on, it would be better to go shopping and find a few things that turn you on. And instead of shopping with your friend, you might want to go shopping with your boyfriend.
But if you want to surprise your boyfriend—and that's legit, and lots of people surprise their partners with sex toys on Valentine's Day—I asked a few sex-toy merchants I like and trust for recommendations for you.
Jennifer Pritchett from Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis, Minnesota (smittenkittenonline.com): "The variety of sexy gadgets and orgasm-promising gizmos can be overwhelming even for an experienced shopper. Don't fret! Smart sex-toy shoppers use a process of elimination. First, commit to a budget that you are comfortable with. Second, ask yourself what you want to do with it. Penetration or no? Vibration or no? Unsure? Then go with the most versatile toy possible. Try out the vibrating dildo by Pleasure Works called the Right Spot. This affordable toy is great for g-spot or prostate stimulation, comes with a removable vibrator, and can be sterilized easily! The Right Spot will keep up with your changing sexual tastes for years to come!"
Claire Cavanah from Babeland in Seattle and New York City (babeland.com): "Nancy sounds like a great girlfriend—she's taking responsibility for maintaining the hotness in her relationship. Bravo! She asked for the essentials, and that means vibrators and lube. We offer a kit called the Babeland Vibrator Starter Kit for $45. It consists of three vibrators: the Orchid G, which is great for, you guessed it, g-spot stimulation; the Silver Bullet, a standard vibe that has served as a gateway toy for many thousands of sex-toy lovers; and a Sonic Ring vibe, a stretchy cock ring that holds a vibrator on top of the penis or dildo for clit stimulation during penetration and gives the penis a good buzz, too. These rate as good starter toys because they're easy to use, they're unobtrusive and friendly looking, and they deliver a lot of power. She should take home a hardy lubricant like BabeLube or Sliquid as well. Happy anniversary!"
Evy Cowan from Shebop in Portland, Oregon (sheboptheshop.com): "I could give Nancy some suggestions on a starter kit, but I think it's much more fun to explore and decide for yourself what would work for you and your partner. Don't be scared to pick things up and turn things on (that's if the shop provides floor models like we do). It's really important to be able to feel the material and what levels and types of vibrations different toys produce. Don't be afraid to ask the staff questions—that's what we're here for. If the sex shop in your town is not very helpful when it comes to questions, then do some research before you go shopping. On our blog, we have a great guides section that gives advice, from choosing your first vibrator to detailed instructions on how to use a cock ring. Last but not least, make sure the toys you are buying are body safe—there are lots of toys out there that you do not want to be putting in your body. Check out the 'Safe Sex Toy Shopping Guide' at Badvibes.org to get the basics."
Tynan Fox from Twin Cities Leather in Minneapolis, Minnesota (facebook.com/TwinCitiesLeather): "The other contributors have given you some spectacular answers, but as Dan alluded to, don't forget to think outside the box. Our advice: Don't let the gas masks and floggers and cock locks (oh, my!) scare you away from leather/fetish shops or gear. It's okay to start small and simple. Consider buying two blindfolds—one for each of you—and go at it while you're both wearing them. The feeling of having sex with all your other senses heightened may just ignite a new kinky spark in your love life, and that would definitely fight off routine, monotonous sex. Who knows? Maybe one day, rather than thinking outside the box, you'll be keeping your boyfriend's cock locked inside one! But start small. You want to work your way up to the Fucksaw."
How long should a person wait to "get back out there" when his wife has been eaten by a zombie? Asking for a friend.
Sheriff Rick Grimes (via Twitter @RickGrimesATL)
Not too long—life is short, particularly during a zombie apocalypse, and your friend shouldn't waste what little time he has left. And remember: During a zombie apocalypse, all relationships are rebound relationships. So your friend should get out there.
CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE IN OR NEAR SEATTLE: We're doing a very special live taping of the Savage Lovecast for SINGLE PEOPLE ONLY at Seattle's Neptune Theater on February 14. Me and the Tech-Savvy, At-Risk Youth want to make sure that single people have as much fun on Valentine's Day as coupled people. There will be free lap dances, a bondage demo with Twisted Monk, music courtesy of DJ TROUBLE, sex advice from me and Mistress Matisse, the Human Cupcake, and much more. Doors at 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., 21+. A limited number of discounted advance tickets are available from Stranger Tickets (strangertickets.com). All other tickets can be purchased through Seattle Theater Group (tinyurl.com/savlov). Again: This event is for SINGLE PEOPLE ONLY. Lap dances! The Human Cupcake! Be there! (Of course we can't stop couples from coming, as that would be discriminatory, and discrimination is always wrong, so coupled people are welcome to attend so long as they don't gloat.) 
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.
@fakedansavage on Twitter
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I'd get some light bondage gear--those stretchy things that tie your wrists to your ankles-- and a blindfold, but that's me.
If you don't know what he likes and wants, maybe you should ask him to show you the porn he finds hottest. It will give you both the opportunity to discuss what makes each of you hot, and you can find out what kind of sex fashions (clothes etc.) turn him on.
There is no way I would buy sex toys for someone if I didn't know what they liked.
People who go heavy on the exclamation points so often remind me of Tigger.
8
9
#4 linked to a toy but I'd forget the extended url and simply go to http://www.sexinfo101.com. Don't bother buying toys and simply enjoy all the fabulous sex positions you can get into (with or without laughing your asses off). IMO that's a far better Valentine's Day surprise than something that may make Carl suspicious ("Is she bored with me?" / "Am I not enough for her?") or resentful (because you brought a vibrator or dildo to bed).
If you do look at the various toys, then do it together with Carl and choose something that both of you think you'd like. Then, shop in person - because what looked good in a video demo may squick you OR HIM out in person.
I would hope your goal would be to make Carl happy and that he'd want to do the same for you. Especially if you don't want the money you spend to go down the drain or create misfired communications, do your shopping with Carl and not your female friend.
@7: I share your fucksaw curiosity, too.
Dan----THANK YOU and your sex-toy merchants for offering wonderful sex toy purchasing suggestions! I'm taking notes!
I agree: Nancy sounds like an incredible girlfriend for Carl!
Happy Anniversary and congrats!
-get a dildo or vibrator = my cock isn't enough
-get a cock ring = my cock isn't enough
-even a vibrating cock ring = ditto
-butt toys = (possibly) terrified boy
-restraints - maybe. Handcuffs, blindfolds, pretty vanilla and non threatening. But you'd have to be into it, cause guess who's getting tied up? The person who bought it.
Go to the toy store together. If he shows no interest in going, drop it. Go yourself, buy yourself something to use on your own, but don't get stuff for him.
Are you bored with sex at 19 after one year? Don't give in to the stupid pressure people feel to "perform" or be the "perfect girlfriend". Just have fun together, play, learn each others bodies. If he doesn't know how to please you, teach the boy. They sure as hell aren't born knowing how. If you don't know how, find out yourself, then show him. He'll like that part. If still no improvement, open the thing up, or get out. He might make a better friend than boyfriend.
16
I also don't necessarily think it's a bad idea for her to surprise him (even if asking what type of porn he likes might be best, to narrow the selection), although it might mean money wasted if he's uncomfortable with the toys she picks out.
17
Enjoy.
19
I'm going to echo @16's comment - calm down people. Give Nancy a break. If I was dating a girl who, at 19, used a few extra exclamation marks and surprised me with blindfolds and a vibrator for V-day, I'd be ecstatic.
Final note - to all the "the dildo will make him think his cock is too small" comments: maybe her boyfriend isn't that insecure. I never was - even at 19 - always enjoyed giving pleasure using whatever (hands, mouth, nose, toes, small fruits and vegetables, vibrators, etc.).
Good luck Nancy and have fun! If you are discovered laying on the bed blindfolded playing with your new dildo by your bf, I'm sure he'll happily fuck your brains out.
20
However, I suspect the reason Dan is running this kid's question is because it's a good basic question for those folks who have never gone into a toy store or have just begun to look into non-vanilla sex.
These type of goodies, even with a discount, can be pricey. I didn't know 19-year-olds had unlimited funds.
At first, I liked the interpretation that Hildegarde (unless we're going to make this a quadruple bluff and it turns out her name really is Nancy after all, but I am going to call her Hildegarde in hopes of inciting discussion of what is indicated by the LW's beginning the letter with their names; nobody's mentioned that yet) got all exclamatory in an effort to pretend she wasn't bored at 19 after nearly one year. That would have provided an interesting explanation for her impulse to do something sexy for their anniversary, though the concept of anniversaries for unmarried opposite-sex couples would probably run to more than one chapter in How Quinn Morgendorffer Came to Rule the World, which I hope to start writing before 2027.
It might be instructive to find the source of the "pressure to perform". One infers from the remainder of post 14 that Ms Gnot assigns the pressure to the BF. My first thought on reading the letter, however, was that Hildegarde might want to change her magazine subscriptions in order to avoid publications with such columns as "10 Sex Tips to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed". My approach might be summarized by the philosophy of Not Blaming the Serfs for the Monarchy. The letter certainly reads as if the author were a little more fond of such magazines than might strictly be good for her intellect, although the alternate explanation was certainly plausible.
It is not my place to comment on what post 15 makes admirably clear, that any opposite-sex encounter falling short of a 25 on a 1-10 scale is All His Fault. For those who like to volunteer for that sort of pressure, that is the sort of pressure for which they like to volunteer.
To return to Ms Shurenka, though: if you are willing to allow Hildegarde a bit of age-related immaturity (reasonably), you might decline to raise the bar rather higher for the BF - unless #17 was a deliberate attempt to redress the balance of agency.
But I want to close by emphasizing my intended disdain for Anniversary Pressure, especially when combined with Valentine Pressure. If Hildegarde and Miguelito don't find a way around that in four weeks and a day, they are quite likely in for a major disappointment, perhaps of breakup proportions.
27
So his turn-ons might be very very simple. TALK with him about it. And don't save it for special occasions. Whip it out on a boring Sunday afternoon or after work on a Wednesday in the middle of a chaotic week. Everyone knows they're gonna get the special on Feb. 14. REALLY surprise him.
To the people who think she's doing this mostly for herself, or that the sex toys they suggested sound like they would be more for her than for him, she didn't ask for sex toys that only pleasure him. She wanted things that spiced up sex for BOTH of them. In my opinion, having your partner come to you on Valentine's Day and say in the husky voice that Dan recommends a lot, "Honey, I want to try something new. Nothing too different. But oh man it would turn me on so much if you did this/used this on me," sounds like a pretty good present to me.
Finally, these days Dan rarely writes answers to letters that are meant to be applicable to that person and that person only. They are meant to help LOTS of people. Even if Nancy doesn't benefit from this specific set of advice, or it doesn't turn out as well as she'd like, I'm betting there's a lot of couples new to sex toys who just went, "ooOOOoo let's go get THAT!"
I'm also in the crowd that thinks Nancy should ask her boyfriend about what he'd like. Maybe he'd like to have a role-play fantasy fulfilled, in which case a naughty nurse or sexy French maid outfit for Nancy to wear would be the best gift.
Communicate, kids! Surprises are for amateurs--grown-ups talk stuff through.
www.Facebook.com/TwinCitiesLeather
Some people say Nancy should ask Carl what he would like or suggest other gifts to him.
But she doesn't want advice what present to buy for him. She wants something "fun for us". So I think she can get anything she likes or thinks it's fun and say "Hey babe, wanna try this? I think it would be fun."
And if he doesn't like it (or she finds out she doesn't like it) it's no-one's fault- it's an experience.
39
You put other people before yourself. And if there's a "you" in the sentence, that goes before the others. The speaker is last.
"You, she, he, and I are going to speak well from now on."
Nawt furkin' loikely!
I have wondered on a few occasions if there is a rotation of tech-savvy, at-risk youth (like Menudo, you hit a certain age, you're replaced) or if they're going to become tech-savvy, at-risk middle agers.
long time fan.
Buy yourself some red-hot, otherwise totally impractical lingerie (assuming you don't normally wear such). I guarantee most guys would far prefer this gift for yourself than some sex toy for them. It'll make a good, warm anniversary date.
As others have mentioned, sometimes it's the simple things that get the biggest reactions. My boyfriend also likes it when I wear stockings under my pants. Nobody but he knows I have them on and it just turns his crank to know I'm wearing them. You would be surprised how much a little goes a long way.
Finally, I also think it's not a good idea to get toys unless you go together, or you've at least discussed your boyfriend's fantasies with him. What some people find to be sexy and exciting, others find unappealing. If you want to keep it a surprise, ask him to tell you about one of his biggest fantasies. You probably can't (and probably shouldn't) make his fantasy come true, but it would at least give you some idea of what he may, or may not, like with regard to toys or sex play. Good luck!
50
Now if I could only figure out how to dress up a Bridgeport mill as a sex toy, perhaps I could bring one home.
Remember that erotic is in the mind and props are just one way to excite the mind. The toys may be physically exciting, but the danger is becoming fixated on the toys/props/scenes instead of the partner - eventually, the partner can become just a prop holder and no longer a lover. The fact that you are lovers must drive whatever you do together.
Also, as for long time relationships getting monotonous, remember that if you communicate and pay attention to each other you get very good at doing exactly the position/move/joke/caress/etc. that excites them the most. I've been in a monogamous relationship for well over twenty-five years and most of what we do is what we discovered decades ago worked for us. We still try new things and joke about ridiculous (to us) possibilities, but usually we end up with the "boring" same old things because they work so well.
52
True. These days, the sex toys I like are at places like H&M, Nordstrom, Red Light, Panache, American Apparel, and various online boutiques for certain accessories. And I'm coming with on the shopping excursion. Trying on clothes is half the fun. I might even invite myself into the dressing room.
But you're 19, and you want, like, a "normal" sex toy, so I'd say get him one of those cock rings with a bullet vibrator attached. While you're fucking, the bullet goes on the dorsal side of his dick to get your clit off, and just behind his balls to get him off.
Ltr 2: Does Dan really want to introduce vampire talk here? Do we need that? Want it?
Savage Lovecast Ad? Misplaced.
Haha, I appreciate the shoutout.
I will never forget the anatomical mneumonic for remembering the autonomic control of male sexual functioning.
"Point" and "Shoot". :)
I think the joke was that he was imagining the penis as it's own entity, with it's own anatomical axis. I mean, we don't use dorsal/ventral as much as anterior/posterior outside neuroanatomy in my own somewhat limited experience.
I'm kind of rusty, but I think "superior" is more appropriate in this context. The superior, most proximal aspect of the penis is most in contact with the clit.
/nerdalert.
@65 I also think superior and proximal are more appropriate terms, see my previous comment re. animal toys, lol, probably because I learned dorsal and ventral with rostral and caudal, and in physiology we more commonly use superior, inferior, proximal, distal.
In front-to-front non-penetrating positions it is the "ventral" side of the cock that is likely to make contact with the hood of the clit.
In back-to-front positions the dick's dorsal side can make non-penetrative clitoral contact. In the (evolutionarily) classic back-to-front doggie style, the balls can make actual direct slapping contact with the clit while fucking.
When I say "clit", I mean the exposed hood and its perceptible shaft. I appreciate the modern understanding that the roots of the clit wrap around the vagina, but, geez, we had to wait until the 21st c to find this out?
This could take the form of a (homemade) coupon/voucher book, with things you already know he thinks are sexy or that you know he likes. It could also be some new lingerie if he likes lingerie. If you don't already know any of his fantasies, ask him and see if you can find a creative, playful way of making one come true as an anniversary present. If you really want to buy a toy, and you two have never used any before, I'd suggest starting low-key, and non vibrating, because you can always raise the bar and that way you've got something to add to escalate things later. Maybe something more couple-y, this time, considering the occasion.
Then, since you and Carl plan on being together for a long time, you two can browse some sites together or go to a shop together and buy some toys. Everyone should probably have at least one kind of vibrator and one good cock ring in his/her bag o'fun.
Well, it's that with a dildo on the end.
I kind of agree with you. But I thought she deserved a straight answer.
She's concerned the sex will become monotonous. And she has plans for their future.
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