Follow Dan

Facebook    Twitter    Instagram    YouTube
Savage Lovecast
Dan Savage's Hump
It Gets Better Project

Savage Love Podcast

Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.

Savage Love Archives

More in the Archives »

More from Dan Savage

More in the Archives »

Books by Dan Savage

Want a Second Opinion?

Contact Dan Savage

Savage on YouTube

Loading...

Work Your Way Up to the Fucksaw

January 16, 2013

  • comments
  • Print

My name is Nancy, and I'm 19. My boyfriend's name is Carl, we have been together for almost a year-our anniversary is actually February 14!-and we have great sex frequently! I want to do something sexy for us on our anniversary. I plan on being with Carl for years to come, and I don't want the sex to become monotonous. For a while, I've wanted to go to a sex store to purchase a few things to spice things up. I found a supportive, nonjudgmental friend who wants a few kinky things for her and her boyfriend. As you can imagine, we're both excited to go on this adventure, but there's just one problem: I have no idea what to buy! Neither does my friend! I was hoping you had a few essentials that my friend and I should know about or consider purchasing. My boyfriend and I have never used such things, but I'm positive that with your help making the right purchases, he will be all for it! Both my friend and I are college students, so we're on a budget. I'm hoping to stay under $100! I just want to keep our relationship going strong and keep things interesting between us sexually. Thanks, Dan!

Needs A Naughty Connection, Yo!

One man's scorching-hot sex toy is another man's boring old roll of duct tape, NANCY. By which I mean to say...

Turn-ons are subjective. Not all women are to all men's tastes, not all men are to all women's, and not all sex acts appeal equally to all. Likewise, sex toys that I might buy for my partner—sex toys I might be inclined to mention when asked to recommend one or two—might not appeal to your boyfriend. I'll go further than that: The sex toys that turn my husband on would either terrify or stump your boyfriend. Instead of buying the sex toys that turn me or my husband on, it would be better to go shopping and find a few things that turn you on. And instead of shopping with your friend, you might want to go shopping with your boyfriend.

But if you want to surprise your boyfriend—and that's legit, and lots of people surprise their partners with sex toys on Valentine's Day—I asked a few sex-toy merchants I like and trust for recommendations for you.

Jennifer Pritchett from Smitten Kitten in Minneapolis, Minnesota (smittenkittenonline.com): "The variety of sexy gadgets and orgasm-promising gizmos can be overwhelming even for an experienced shopper. Don't fret! Smart sex-toy shoppers use a process of elimination. First, commit to a budget that you are comfortable with. Second, ask yourself what you want to do with it. Penetration or no? Vibration or no? Unsure? Then go with the most versatile toy possible. Try out the vibrating dildo by Pleasure Works called the Right Spot. This affordable toy is great for g-spot or prostate stimulation, comes with a removable vibrator, and can be sterilized easily! The Right Spot will keep up with your changing sexual tastes for years to come!"

Claire Cavanah from Babeland in Seattle and New York City (babeland.com): "Nancy sounds like a great girlfriend—she's taking responsibility for maintaining the hotness in her relationship. Bravo! She asked for the essentials, and that means vibrators and lube. We offer a kit called the Babeland Vibrator Starter Kit for $45. It consists of three vibrators: the Orchid G, which is great for, you guessed it, g-spot stimulation; the Silver Bullet, a standard vibe that has served as a gateway toy for many thousands of sex-toy lovers; and a Sonic Ring vibe, a stretchy cock ring that holds a vibrator on top of the penis or dildo for clit stimulation during penetration and gives the penis a good buzz, too. These rate as good starter toys because they're easy to use, they're unobtrusive and friendly looking, and they deliver a lot of power. She should take home a hardy lubricant like BabeLube or Sliquid as well. Happy anniversary!"

Evy Cowan from Shebop in Portland, Oregon (sheboptheshop.com): "I could give Nancy some suggestions on a starter kit, but I think it's much more fun to explore and decide for yourself what would work for you and your partner. Don't be scared to pick things up and turn things on (that's if the shop provides floor models like we do). It's really important to be able to feel the material and what levels and types of vibrations different toys produce. Don't be afraid to ask the staff questions—that's what we're here for. If the sex shop in your town is not very helpful when it comes to questions, then do some research before you go shopping. On our blog, we have a great guides section that gives advice, from choosing your first vibrator to detailed instructions on how to use a cock ring. Last but not least, make sure the toys you are buying are body safe—there are lots of toys out there that you do not want to be putting in your body. Check out the 'Safe Sex Toy Shopping Guide' at Badvibes.org to get the basics."

Tynan Fox from Twin Cities Leather in Minneapolis, Minnesota (facebook.com/TwinCitiesLeather): "The other contributors have given you some spectacular answers, but as Dan alluded to, don't forget to think outside the box. Our advice: Don't let the gas masks and floggers and cock locks (oh, my!) scare you away from leather/fetish shops or gear. It's okay to start small and simple. Consider buying two blindfolds—one for each of you—and go at it while you're both wearing them. The feeling of having sex with all your other senses heightened may just ignite a new kinky spark in your love life, and that would definitely fight off routine, monotonous sex. Who knows? Maybe one day, rather than thinking outside the box, you'll be keeping your boyfriend's cock locked inside one! But start small. You want to work your way up to the Fucksaw."


How long should a person wait to "get back out there" when his wife has been eaten by a zombie? Asking for a friend.

Sheriff Rick Grimes (via Twitter @RickGrimesATL)

Not too long—life is short, particularly during a zombie apocalypse, and your friend shouldn't waste what little time he has left. And remember: During a zombie apocalypse, all relationships are rebound relationships. So your friend should get out there.


CONFIDENTIAL TO EVERYONE IN OR NEAR SEATTLE: We're doing a very special live taping of the Savage Lovecast for SINGLE PEOPLE ONLY at Seattle's Neptune Theater on February 14. Me and the Tech-Savvy, At-Risk Youth want to make sure that single people have as much fun on Valentine's Day as coupled people. There will be free lap dances, a bondage demo with Twisted Monk, music courtesy of DJ TROUBLE, sex advice from me and Mistress Matisse, the Human Cupcake, and much more. Doors at 7 p.m., show at 8 p.m., 21+. A limited number of discounted advance tickets are available from Stranger Tickets (strangertickets.com). All other tickets can be purchased through Seattle Theater Group (tinyurl.com/savlov). Again: This event is for SINGLE PEOPLE ONLY. Lap dances! The Human Cupcake! Be there! (Of course we can't stop couples from coming, as that would be discriminatory, and discrimination is always wrong, so coupled people are welcome to attend so long as they don't gloat.) recommended

Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

mail@savagelove.net

@fakedansavage on Twitter

 

Comments (80) RSS

Newest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
80
@64: Hell, it's just basically target practice with guys, anyway, isn't it?
Posted by auntie grizelda on January 26, 2013 at 2:32 PM · Report this
79
The Smitten Kitten is one of the many reasons that Minneapolis is the best.
Posted by Natalieee on January 21, 2013 at 9:08 PM · Report this
78
Red, red wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine........stay close to meeeeeeeee......
Posted by auntie grizelda on January 21, 2013 at 9:03 PM · Report this
77
I may not ever quite go for a fucksaw in my lifetime, and I'll gladly take a nice, juicy steak over the glowing red penis in the Smitten Kitten ad any day, but good golly, Miss Molly----nothing like a recent red meat diet change for the better! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Posted by auntie grizelda on January 21, 2013 at 9:02 PM · Report this
76
Crin,

I kind of agree with you. But I thought she deserved a straight answer.

She's concerned the sex will become monotonous. And she has plans for their future.
Posted by Hunter78 on January 21, 2013 at 4:55 PM · Report this
75
For a couple's sex toy, how about some bondage tape, a blindfold or some rope. A vibrator is fun to play with, but I feel like the question was asking for more of a couple's experience purchase.
Posted by dootsie on January 21, 2013 at 10:22 AM · Report this
74
NANCY!

How about a Hot Carl!
Posted by TheBadSeed131313 on January 21, 2013 at 12:27 AM · Report this
73
@7 (again), but since you asked (in an implied way anyway). You know what a "sawsall"™ is (http://www.google.com/search?q=sawsall&h…)

Well, it's that with a dildo on the end.
Posted by LAN8 on January 20, 2013 at 1:41 PM · Report this
72
@7 No.
Posted by LAN8 on January 20, 2013 at 1:37 PM · Report this
nocutename 71
Nancy, I'd save the toy-buying for another occasion, and do it with Carl, so you can have the fun of shopping together and pick out something you both are interested in using. For an anniversary/Valentine's Day gift that I'm assuming you want to be a surprise, I'd suggest something more in line with giving yourself as a present.

This could take the form of a (homemade) coupon/voucher book, with things you already know he thinks are sexy or that you know he likes. It could also be some new lingerie if he likes lingerie. If you don't already know any of his fantasies, ask him and see if you can find a creative, playful way of making one come true as an anniversary present. If you really want to buy a toy, and you two have never used any before, I'd suggest starting low-key, and non vibrating, because you can always raise the bar and that way you've got something to add to escalate things later. Maybe something more couple-y, this time, considering the occasion.

Then, since you and Carl plan on being together for a long time, you two can browse some sites together or go to a shop together and buy some toys. Everyone should probably have at least one kind of vibrator and one good cock ring in his/her bag o'fun.
Posted by nocutename on January 20, 2013 at 9:24 AM · Report this
70
For Nancy: How about a Hitachi Magic Wand? (Google Betty Dodson) This is a cool, industrial strength vibrator that you can use to give massages, and that also works super great for getting females off. I own one and I love, for instance, having sex rear entry while my partner holds the wand against herself and comes. Another activity I enjoy a lot is when my lover gives me a blow job as she uses the wand to stimulate herself so she cums while sucking my cock.That usually puts me over the edge. I think most guys love seeing their woman have an orgasm and this device makes for more of them and can add them to a variety of situations. Costs about $45 on ebay. Could get some bondage stuff as well if she's determined to spend the whole $100.
Posted by EastCoastDude on January 20, 2013 at 8:27 AM · Report this
69
The vulva looks like a Martian-designed landing place for a bag of balls.

Posted by Hunter78 on January 20, 2013 at 7:08 AM · Report this
68
I like the dorsal and ventral language. It likens an erect cock to a snake or a fish.

Posted by Hunter78 on January 20, 2013 at 3:52 AM · Report this
67
When the cock is in the cunt, it's not contacting the clit at all. Sensations the clit is perceiving are transmitted movement, not direct. The man's lower abdomen ("pubic bone") can directly contact the clit at full penetration.

In front-to-front non-penetrating positions it is the "ventral" side of the cock that is likely to make contact with the hood of the clit.

In back-to-front positions the dick's dorsal side can make non-penetrative clitoral contact. In the (evolutionarily) classic back-to-front doggie style, the balls can make actual direct slapping contact with the clit while fucking.

When I say "clit", I mean the exposed hood and its perceptible shaft. I appreciate the modern understanding that the roots of the clit wrap around the vagina, but, geez, we had to wait until the 21st c to find this out?
Posted by Hunter78 on January 20, 2013 at 2:45 AM · Report this
66
@63 When inserted in a vagina, the dorsal side that was against his belly, is now against her clit:)
@65 I also think superior and proximal are more appropriate terms, see my previous comment re. animal toys, lol, probably because I learned dorsal and ventral with rostral and caudal, and in physiology we more commonly use superior, inferior, proximal, distal.
Posted by tachycardia on January 19, 2013 at 8:33 PM · Report this
mydriasis 65
@63

I think the joke was that he was imagining the penis as it's own entity, with it's own anatomical axis. I mean, we don't use dorsal/ventral as much as anterior/posterior outside neuroanatomy in my own somewhat limited experience.

I'm kind of rusty, but I think "superior" is more appropriate in this context. The superior, most proximal aspect of the penis is most in contact with the clit.

/nerdalert.
Posted by mydriasis on January 18, 2013 at 7:51 PM · Report this
mydriasis 64
@61

Haha, I appreciate the shoutout.

I will never forget the anatomical mneumonic for remembering the autonomic control of male sexual functioning.

"Point" and "Shoot". :)
Posted by mydriasis on January 18, 2013 at 7:44 PM · Report this
63
@52 Not to get waaay too technical, but the anatomical position presumes an erection, so the dorsal side is touching his belly and it's the ventral side where a clitoral vibrator would help. Just saying.
Posted by neuro on January 18, 2013 at 6:23 PM · Report this
62
Ltr 1: Not hard to answer. Dan turned it into a chance to thank his sponsors, which is commendable enough.

Ltr 2: Does Dan really want to introduce vampire talk here? Do we need that? Want it?

Savage Lovecast Ad? Misplaced.
Posted by Hunter78 on January 18, 2013 at 4:58 PM · Report this
61
@52 seandr, I love your spot on comments, and literally laughed out loud at the phrase "dorsal side of his dick". I know what that means, I'm sure Mydriasis knows what it means, but most 19 yr olds probably have no idea what dorsal is. Also, I now need brain bleach to get rid of the parade of toys shaped like dolphins and other animals marching through my mind!
Posted by tachycardia on January 18, 2013 at 4:07 PM · Report this
60
@56, not the only one. I have a countdown widget on my phone set for when it comes back on...23 days 11 hrs, 32 minutes and 50 seconds.
Posted by KateRose on January 18, 2013 at 6:39 AM · Report this
59
I know it's bad form to read too much into what's not said in a letter, but I can't help wondering what's making NANCY think her boyfriend is bored. The backstory I'm inventing is either that she's the one who's bored or otherwise dissatisfied and can't quite admit that to herself or that she's insecure in some other part of their relationship and thinking she can cure everything with better sex for him, make him stay with her forever because she's offering better sex than anyone else. Most relationships that we have when we're 19 don't last to the happily-ever-after stage anyway, so I'm pretty secure in saying this no matter what, but I think this relationship in on shaky grounds from the start. It's not just the exclamation points.
Posted by Crinoline on January 18, 2013 at 4:53 AM · Report this
58
Nancy is on the right track. There's no point in sinking a lot of money into toys and props if you're not sure they'll work for both of you. She and Carl (has anybody else noticed that the names are the same as the couple in "Eating Raoul"?) could spice things up without spending too much by, perhaps, choosing a different position and/or location, role-playing, sexy talk, etc. There are probably things that she and Carl already own that could be repurposed -- for example, a scarf/bandanna could be used as a tie-up or blindfold. Coconut oil makes a nice-smelling, good-tasting lube, and can be found at reasonable prices at most food stores (a little dab of it also works fine as a leave-in conditioner). Good luck and have fun!
Posted by Tessiee on January 17, 2013 at 9:24 PM · Report this
57
@56 Lol, I know! I laughed so hard, and I was really surprised to get this far down into the comments without anyone mentioning the Walking Dead at all!
Posted by savekerris on January 17, 2013 at 8:59 PM · Report this
56
I must be the only Walking Dead fan on here. Letter 2 is fake, but I laughed so hard. That was fantastic.
Posted by GarnetShaddow on January 17, 2013 at 7:04 PM · Report this
55
Dang it! I mean, okay, I am no longer curious. Ig.
I've gotta stop posting so late at night.
Posted by auntie grizelda on January 17, 2013 at 1:10 AM · Report this
54
@12: Okay. I am no curious. Ig.
Posted by auntie grizelda on January 17, 2013 at 1:08 AM · Report this
53
Holmes @50, you crack me up.
Posted by Machine Shop on January 17, 2013 at 12:28 AM · Report this
seandr 52
Turn-ons are subjective.

True. These days, the sex toys I like are at places like H&M, Nordstrom, Red Light, Panache, American Apparel, and various online boutiques for certain accessories. And I'm coming with on the shopping excursion. Trying on clothes is half the fun. I might even invite myself into the dressing room.

But you're 19, and you want, like, a "normal" sex toy, so I'd say get him one of those cock rings with a bullet vibrator attached. While you're fucking, the bullet goes on the dorsal side of his dick to get your clit off, and just behind his balls to get him off.

Posted by seandr on January 16, 2013 at 11:47 PM · Report this
51
I agree that the blindfold is the best suggestion. [Just turning out the lights is even cheaper. Have him lie in the dark wearing "relax in the evening" clothes, come in, undress each other in the dark while kissing/groping, explore, and have sex.]

Remember that erotic is in the mind and props are just one way to excite the mind. The toys may be physically exciting, but the danger is becoming fixated on the toys/props/scenes instead of the partner - eventually, the partner can become just a prop holder and no longer a lover. The fact that you are lovers must drive whatever you do together.

Also, as for long time relationships getting monotonous, remember that if you communicate and pay attention to each other you get very good at doing exactly the position/move/joke/caress/etc. that excites them the most. I've been in a monogamous relationship for well over twenty-five years and most of what we do is what we discovered decades ago worked for us. We still try new things and joke about ridiculous (to us) possibilities, but usually we end up with the "boring" same old things because they work so well.

Posted by bbbbbb on January 16, 2013 at 11:41 PM · Report this
Holmes 50
@34: Bought one for the wife. But she had me figured out. I was just going to swap out the dildo business end and add it to my tool collection.

Now if I could only figure out how to dress up a Bridgeport mill as a sex toy, perhaps I could bring one home.
Posted by Holmes on January 16, 2013 at 9:19 PM · Report this
49
Ms Rose - Menudo isn't a bad idea. I was thinking along the lines of linespeople or ballboys/girls at tennis tournaments.
Posted by vennominon on January 16, 2013 at 6:05 PM · Report this
48
Nancy, have you considered something as simple as lingerie and doing a little strip tease for him? I did this for my boyfriend on our first anniversary. I came up with a little dance/strip routine to a song I know he finds sexy. I was wearing nice, rather business like clothing, with my sexy lingerie on underneath. He had no idea until I sat him down and started the music. He loved it, I loved how he responded, and it wasn't very expensive.

As others have mentioned, sometimes it's the simple things that get the biggest reactions. My boyfriend also likes it when I wear stockings under my pants. Nobody but he knows I have them on and it just turns his crank to know I'm wearing them. You would be surprised how much a little goes a long way.

Finally, I also think it's not a good idea to get toys unless you go together, or you've at least discussed your boyfriend's fantasies with him. What some people find to be sexy and exciting, others find unappealing. If you want to keep it a surprise, ask him to tell you about one of his biggest fantasies. You probably can't (and probably shouldn't) make his fantasy come true, but it would at least give you some idea of what he may, or may not, like with regard to toys or sex play. Good luck!
Posted by SherBee on January 16, 2013 at 4:35 PM · Report this
47
I agree with 45. If it's not something you've done before, it should definitely be a surprise and a turn-on. Maybe try a new position or new technique. But save the toys until you've had a talk about them first, just on the off chance he could be intimidated (by the idea, if not the actual toy).
Posted by Cherry on January 16, 2013 at 3:38 PM · Report this
46
As a man the only sex toy I need is porn. Or a third partner :) Or whatever she needs to take it in the ass. Straight men are the least interested in sex toys generally (for themselves anyway). You wanna sexy surprise for your bf?? Dress up like a whore and act like one.
Posted by Chud on January 16, 2013 at 3:35 PM · Report this
45
Nancy,

Buy yourself some red-hot, otherwise totally impractical lingerie (assuming you don't normally wear such). I guarantee most guys would far prefer this gift for yourself than some sex toy for them. It'll make a good, warm anniversary date.

Posted by Hunter78 on January 16, 2013 at 3:05 PM · Report this
44
boringest column. about product. ugh. anyone here actually care about nancy! and carl? column space for a lovecast ad = boring.

long time fan.
Posted by textthatappearsbelow on January 16, 2013 at 2:05 PM · Report this
43
@41
I have wondered on a few occasions if there is a rotation of tech-savvy, at-risk youth (like Menudo, you hit a certain age, you're replaced) or if they're going to become tech-savvy, at-risk middle agers.
Posted by KateRose on January 16, 2013 at 2:04 PM · Report this
42
38--But then her vagina isn't good enough!
Posted by LML on January 16, 2013 at 1:24 PM · Report this
nocutename 41
While we're on the subject of "Me and the at-risk, tech-savvy youth," those tech-savvy, at risk folks must be pretty long in the tooth by now.
Posted by nocutename on January 16, 2013 at 12:13 PM · Report this
40
So now, after I've already bought tickets, I learn the live Lovecast gig is SINGLE PEOPLE ONLY. That would have been nice to know before. Oh well, we won't gloat.
Posted by Maybe not so single on January 16, 2013 at 11:58 AM · Report this
lewlew 39
As long as grammar correction is happening here, it's not "I and anyone" ever! So pardon me, OutinBumF, it's so rude of me to correct you.

You put other people before yourself. And if there's a "you" in the sentence, that goes before the others. The speaker is last.

"You, she, he, and I are going to speak well from now on."
Nawt furkin' loikely!
Posted by lewlew on January 16, 2013 at 11:46 AM · Report this
38
The Fleshlight is a good toy for guys.
Posted by Ecchi 69 on January 16, 2013 at 11:24 AM · Report this
37
I have a minor quibble:
Some people say Nancy should ask Carl what he would like or suggest other gifts to him.

But she doesn't want advice what present to buy for him. She wants something "fun for us". So I think she can get anything she likes or thinks it's fun and say "Hey babe, wanna try this? I think it would be fun."

And if he doesn't like it (or she finds out she doesn't like it) it's no-one's fault- it's an experience.

Posted by migrationist on January 16, 2013 at 10:47 AM · Report this
36
I'm going to agree with @29 - talk to him about it, find out what turns his crank. The kind of porn that he prefers may have absolutely nothing to do with what he actually wants to do in the bedroom. And turn-ons can be so very subjective. I had a boyfriend who went absolutely nuts when I stripped down to nothing but white cotton panties. He could barely control himself, and couldn't even explain why.
Posted by sanguisuga on January 16, 2013 at 10:47 AM · Report this
35
That first letter REEKED of fakiness. Shenanigans, Dan, im calling shenanigans
Posted by janelkane on January 16, 2013 at 10:14 AM · Report this
34
A fucksaw or fuckzall is a Sawzall (reciprocating saw) with the blade removed and a flat plate added to accept a dildo that attaches via suction cup.
Posted by choppermark on January 16, 2013 at 10:03 AM · Report this
33
Please note the the link for Twin Cities Leather was activated incorrectly. Please visit:
www.Facebook.com/TwinCitiesLeather
Posted by TCL on January 16, 2013 at 10:00 AM · Report this
32
A perhaps cheesy suggestion, but I think its sweet and is appropriate for college kids with little money, is to give the boyfriend a homemade coupon book with things like "redeem for one hour of massage", "redeem for one strip-tease", "redeem for one blowjob".

I'm also in the crowd that thinks Nancy should ask her boyfriend about what he'd like. Maybe he'd like to have a role-play fantasy fulfilled, in which case a naughty nurse or sexy French maid outfit for Nancy to wear would be the best gift.

Communicate, kids! Surprises are for amateurs--grown-ups talk stuff through.
Posted by Functional Atheist on January 16, 2013 at 9:59 AM · Report this
31
It confuses me how people who have never met Nancy or her boyfriend think they can predict what her boyfriend's reaction will be better than she can based off the short letter she wrote. So what if her prose style is a little immature? That doesn't mean that her relationship with him or that their communication surrounding sex is immature too. She's going to have a better idea of what turns him on, what's he's comfortable with, what he considers a great surprise.

To the people who think she's doing this mostly for herself, or that the sex toys they suggested sound like they would be more for her than for him, she didn't ask for sex toys that only pleasure him. She wanted things that spiced up sex for BOTH of them. In my opinion, having your partner come to you on Valentine's Day and say in the husky voice that Dan recommends a lot, "Honey, I want to try something new. Nothing too different. But oh man it would turn me on so much if you did this/used this on me," sounds like a pretty good present to me.

Finally, these days Dan rarely writes answers to letters that are meant to be applicable to that person and that person only. They are meant to help LOTS of people. Even if Nancy doesn't benefit from this specific set of advice, or it doesn't turn out as well as she'd like, I'm betting there's a lot of couples new to sex toys who just went, "ooOOOoo let's go get THAT!"
Posted by Allek on January 16, 2013 at 9:41 AM · Report this
30
People. Lighten up! From some of the comments you would think that whether the sun rises or not tomorrow will be determined by what Nancy chooses to do and how Carl reacts to it. Have fun Nancy! Even if Carl isn't wild about what you choose I'm pretty sure the sun will rise tomorrow and your relationship will be just fine anyway (unless there is some REAL reason it isn't).
Posted by gonzo on January 16, 2013 at 8:03 AM · Report this
29
My one ex was never too into the stuff from sex shops, even though he loved him some porn. However, stick my hair in pigtails, add some bright red lipstick and giant hoop earrings and he was over the moon. So freaking easy. He literally gasped when I popped out of the bedroom like that, wearing an outfit he liked (pleather pants were involved), and then he started giggling (he was a large biker-type, so that was probably the funniest part) - stopped his brother on the phone midsentence: "Yo, dude, I gotta go. No. Really. I have to go! Bye."

So his turn-ons might be very very simple. TALK with him about it. And don't save it for special occasions. Whip it out on a boring Sunday afternoon or after work on a Wednesday in the middle of a chaotic week. Everyone knows they're gonna get the special on Feb. 14. REALLY surprise him.
Posted by JrzWrld on January 16, 2013 at 7:51 AM · Report this
28
I agree with the blindfold idea. The other stuff sounds more like she's buying a present for herself. And though a prostate stimulator can be fun now and then, as for toys FOR ME I can take them or leave them. Things such as blindfolds, sexy clothing (especially something not too pricey that you can tear off), etc. seem like much more of a gift for Carl than a vibrator.
Posted by sfguy on January 16, 2013 at 7:20 AM · Report this
John Horstman 27
Wow, the The Stranger commentariat is grumpy today. Wednesday, folks! Just power through and the week will be over soon.
Posted by John Horstman on January 16, 2013 at 7:08 AM · Report this
26
@23, Thank you. I was just about to mention that, I'm glad someone beat me to it. If you're going to complain about Dan's grammar, you should probably make sure yours is correct.
Posted by KateRose on January 16, 2013 at 7:00 AM · Report this
25
Obviously both letters are fakes, not just the second one, and Dan knows it. But he answered the first one anyway because it's a valid "hypothetical" question.
Posted by Insert Clever Acronym Here on January 16, 2013 at 6:43 AM · Report this
24
Obviously both letters are fakes, and Dan knows it.
Posted by Insert Clever Acronym Here on January 16, 2013 at 6:41 AM · Report this
23
@ 8 - Actually, it should be "The Tech-Savvy, At-Risk Youth and I"
Posted by Ricardo on January 16, 2013 at 6:41 AM · Report this
22
Ms Shurenka - You might not have meant me, but I wasn't being harsh. Anyway, Ms Gnot (posts 14 and 15) quite compensates in the other direction.

At first, I liked the interpretation that Hildegarde (unless we're going to make this a quadruple bluff and it turns out her name really is Nancy after all, but I am going to call her Hildegarde in hopes of inciting discussion of what is indicated by the LW's beginning the letter with their names; nobody's mentioned that yet) got all exclamatory in an effort to pretend she wasn't bored at 19 after nearly one year. That would have provided an interesting explanation for her impulse to do something sexy for their anniversary, though the concept of anniversaries for unmarried opposite-sex couples would probably run to more than one chapter in How Quinn Morgendorffer Came to Rule the World, which I hope to start writing before 2027.

It might be instructive to find the source of the "pressure to perform". One infers from the remainder of post 14 that Ms Gnot assigns the pressure to the BF. My first thought on reading the letter, however, was that Hildegarde might want to change her magazine subscriptions in order to avoid publications with such columns as "10 Sex Tips to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed". My approach might be summarized by the philosophy of Not Blaming the Serfs for the Monarchy. The letter certainly reads as if the author were a little more fond of such magazines than might strictly be good for her intellect, although the alternate explanation was certainly plausible.

It is not my place to comment on what post 15 makes admirably clear, that any opposite-sex encounter falling short of a 25 on a 1-10 scale is All His Fault. For those who like to volunteer for that sort of pressure, that is the sort of pressure for which they like to volunteer.

To return to Ms Shurenka, though: if you are willing to allow Hildegarde a bit of age-related immaturity (reasonably), you might decline to raise the bar rather higher for the BF - unless #17 was a deliberate attempt to redress the balance of agency.

But I want to close by emphasizing my intended disdain for Anniversary Pressure, especially when combined with Valentine Pressure. If Hildegarde and Miguelito don't find a way around that in four weeks and a day, they are quite likely in for a major disappointment, perhaps of breakup proportions.
More...
Posted by vennominon on January 16, 2013 at 6:02 AM · Report this
21
Nancy never actually says that Carl's expressed any interest in sex toys at all. So I'm guessing that this trip to the sex toy store is really more for her than it is for him. No problem with that, and if she wants to cover it up with an "oh, it's for my boyfriend" then that's not the end of the world. But if you're smart enough to read Savage, you should get smart enough to admit to yourself and your boyfriend that you want a little more variety in the bedroom.
Posted by Phil H on January 16, 2013 at 5:52 AM · Report this
samanthaf63 20
I especially liked where she said "I like that Nancy is taking the responsibility..."

However, I suspect the reason Dan is running this kid's question is because it's a good basic question for those folks who have never gone into a toy store or have just begun to look into non-vanilla sex.

These type of goodies, even with a discount, can be pricey. I didn't know 19-year-olds had unlimited funds.
Posted by samanthaf63 on January 16, 2013 at 5:47 AM · Report this
smajor82 19
@9 - Entirely uncalled for. Also - "the brain store"? Really?

I'm going to echo @16's comment - calm down people. Give Nancy a break. If I was dating a girl who, at 19, used a few extra exclamation marks and surprised me with blindfolds and a vibrator for V-day, I'd be ecstatic.

Final note - to all the "the dildo will make him think his cock is too small" comments: maybe her boyfriend isn't that insecure. I never was - even at 19 - always enjoyed giving pleasure using whatever (hands, mouth, nose, toes, small fruits and vegetables, vibrators, etc.).

Good luck Nancy and have fun! If you are discovered laying on the bed blindfolded playing with your new dildo by your bf, I'm sure he'll happily fuck your brains out.

Posted by smajor82 on January 16, 2013 at 5:19 AM · Report this
18
Any single folk who want to gloat should see a nice restaurant on February fifteenth. It's the annual "I swear I didn't know it was that important to you and I will make it up to you." dinner; always busy, quiet and tense.

Enjoy.
Posted by SifuMark on January 16, 2013 at 1:45 AM · Report this
shurenka 17
Also, hopefully he's not going to go paranoid that his "cock isn't enough" if Nancy wants to use a vibrator/dildo/cock ring. But if he has that hang up the LW would do well to break him of it now, anyway.

Posted by shurenka on January 15, 2013 at 11:31 PM · Report this
shurenka 16
Wow, why is everyone being so harsh to Nancy? Yes her prose style reads a bit immature but she's only 19. (Had to resist adding an exclamation point there.)

I also don't necessarily think it's a bad idea for her to surprise him (even if asking what type of porn he likes might be best, to narrow the selection), although it might mean money wasted if he's uncomfortable with the toys she picks out.
Posted by shurenka on January 15, 2013 at 11:28 PM · Report this
15
con't from 14 - forgot to mention. If he isn't getting you wound up enough before actually inserting his penis into any part of you that the intensity of your personal sexual savagery should be actually a bit frightening, he's doing it wrong. Correct this early for him, and he'll be adored by the ladies for life.
Posted by gnot on January 15, 2013 at 11:18 PM · Report this
14
I'd say the sex toy store purchase for boyfriend is a bit of a mine field without his input.

-get a dildo or vibrator = my cock isn't enough
-get a cock ring = my cock isn't enough
-even a vibrating cock ring = ditto
-butt toys = (possibly) terrified boy
-restraints - maybe. Handcuffs, blindfolds, pretty vanilla and non threatening. But you'd have to be into it, cause guess who's getting tied up? The person who bought it.

Go to the toy store together. If he shows no interest in going, drop it. Go yourself, buy yourself something to use on your own, but don't get stuff for him.

Are you bored with sex at 19 after one year? Don't give in to the stupid pressure people feel to "perform" or be the "perfect girlfriend". Just have fun together, play, learn each others bodies. If he doesn't know how to please you, teach the boy. They sure as hell aren't born knowing how. If you don't know how, find out yourself, then show him. He'll like that part. If still no improvement, open the thing up, or get out. He might make a better friend than boyfriend.
Posted by gnot on January 15, 2013 at 11:15 PM · Report this
13
@6

Thank you so much for putting the image of Tigger shopping for sex toys in my head.
Posted by Howlin' Jed on January 15, 2013 at 10:04 PM · Report this
12
See, at quality Universities you learn about things like fucksaws: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/02…
Posted by adam.smith on January 15, 2013 at 9:53 PM · Report this
11
@2: LOL! I was just going to ask that!
@7: I share your fucksaw curiosity, too.

Dan----THANK YOU and your sex-toy merchants for offering wonderful sex toy purchasing suggestions! I'm taking notes!

I agree: Nancy sounds like an incredible girlfriend for Carl!
Happy Anniversary and congrats!
Posted by auntie grizelda on January 15, 2013 at 9:15 PM · Report this
10
This was the worst column ever.
Posted by nyker on January 15, 2013 at 9:08 PM · Report this
Helenka (also a Canuck) 9
Before making a visit to a toy store, Nancy, how about making a visit to the brain store. After only 11 months, monotony or the need to spice things up should be the last thing you need to worry about in your sex life.

#4 linked to a toy but I'd forget the extended url and simply go to http://www.sexinfo101.com. Don't bother buying toys and simply enjoy all the fabulous sex positions you can get into (with or without laughing your asses off). IMO that's a far better Valentine's Day surprise than something that may make Carl suspicious ("Is she bored with me?" / "Am I not enough for her?") or resentful (because you brought a vibrator or dildo to bed).

If you do look at the various toys, then do it together with Carl and choose something that both of you think you'd like. Then, shop in person - because what looked good in a video demo may squick you OR HIM out in person.

I would hope your goal would be to make Carl happy and that he'd want to do the same for you. Especially if you don't want the money you spend to go down the drain or create misfired communications, do your shopping with Carl and not your female friend.
Posted by Helenka (also a Canuck) on January 15, 2013 at 9:02 PM · Report this
OutInBumF 8
Pardon me Dan- "Me and the Tech-Savvy, At-Risk Youth" should be "I and the Tech-Savvy, At-Risk Youth". Just sayin'.
Posted by OutInBumF on January 15, 2013 at 8:56 PM · Report this
lolorhone 7
Should I even ask what a Fucksaw is?
Posted by lolorhone on January 15, 2013 at 8:46 PM · Report this
6
So, are all the people who know what to buy non-supportive and judgmental?

People who go heavy on the exclamation points so often remind me of Tigger.
Posted by vennominon on January 15, 2013 at 8:22 PM · Report this
5
Ummm...

If you don't know what he likes and wants, maybe you should ask him to show you the porn he finds hottest. It will give you both the opportunity to discuss what makes each of you hot, and you can find out what kind of sex fashions (clothes etc.) turn him on.

There is no way I would buy sex toys for someone if I didn't know what they liked.
Posted by Richard Cranium on January 15, 2013 at 8:13 PM · Report this
Posted by v-man on January 15, 2013 at 7:53 PM · Report this
3
Some of the professionals' advice is terrible. A guy buying for a girl gets a vibrator, not the other way around. But if you do get a vibrator and/or dildo, make sure it is SMALLER than your boyfriend in length and girth--guys can be really sensitive about that kind of thing.

I'd get some light bondage gear--those stretchy things that tie your wrists to your ankles-- and a blindfold, but that's me.
Posted by Marrena on January 15, 2013 at 5:58 PM · Report this
scary tyler moore 2
is the human cupcake cream filled?
Posted by scary tyler moore http://pushymcshove.blogspot.com/ on January 15, 2013 at 5:55 PM · Report this
1
I hope nancy writes back and lets us know what their first sex toy is.
Posted by yeah091873029 on January 15, 2013 at 5:46 PM · Report this

Add a comment