Follow Dan

Facebook    Twitter    Instagram    YouTube
Savage Lovecast
Dan Savage's Hump
It Gets Better Project

Savage Love Podcast

Got a question for Dan Savage?
Call the Savage Love Podcast at 206-201-2720
or email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.

Savage Love Archives

More in the Archives »

More from Dan Savage

More in the Archives »

Books by Dan Savage

Want a Second Opinion?

Contact Dan Savage

Savage on YouTube

Loading...

What's Wrong with Rufus?

October 16, 2003

You're a dick. Your reply last week to "Confused in Ohio," who was worried about her boy-porn-perusing boyfriend, is typical bi-phobia. I thought you had laid your bi-phobia to rest when you finally relented and acknowledged that yes, there are lots of bisexuals. But now you are back to your same old agenda, the agenda shared by so many other people who desperately want to make themselves "right" by projecting everyone else to be the same as they are.

The fact that CIO's boyfriend was fucking her makes it clear that he's not gay. He's bisexual! Why is that so hard to understand? Pussy good! Cock good! Love both! Bisexual! Get it?

Angry Asshole

Take off the bisexual blinders and re-read CIO's letter, AA. Her boy-porn-perusing boyfriend is cruising the Internet for gay porn and personals, obsessed with the "taboo" of homosexuality, and having sex with men. Worried that he might be gay, CIO mentions that their sex life is good, "owing to the fact that it takes him a very long time to reach orgasm. In fact, sometimes he doesn't get there at all."

For me, AA, that long-time-to-reach, sometimes-doesn't-get-there stuff was the red "not bisexual, gay" flag. One reader who agreed with my take on CIO's boyfriend chided me for not giving proper emphasis to this revealing detail: "You failed to mention, Dan, that CIO's boyfriend's sexual stamina (he takes a very long time to reach orgasm, and sometimes never gets there at all) is probably due to the fact that she doesn't really turn him on, and/or he has trouble fantasizing about his chatroom buddies when he's in bed with her and not at his PC."

So let's emphasize it now: CIO's boyfriend, unlike a truly bisexual dude, doesn't sound very passionate about heterosexual sex. The fact that CIO's boyfriend was able to fuck her does not, AA, "make it clear that he's not gay." If fucking a woman proves a man's not gay, then I'm not gay. Like almost all gay men out there, AA, I have successfully fucked women--I had to think about guys the whole time, and it didn't always work (I didn't always "get there"), but I managed.

So while I'm willing to acknowledge that there are lots of bisexuals out there, AA, you have to be willing to acknowledge that there are lots of closet cases out there too--and some are so motivated to remain closeted, as I once was, that they'll fuck women to "prove" they're straight. Refusing to believe CIO's boyfriend is bisexual doesn't mean I don't believe that other people aren't bisexual. You, for instance. You say you're bisexual and why would I doubt you? You've got the wounded tone of the professional bisexual down pat--not to mention the hypocrisy. (It's not okay for me to "claim" CIO's boyfriend is gay, but you can claim him as bi?)

As for making myself "right" by projecting my own sexuality (gay, gay, gay) onto CIO's boyfriend (gay, gay, gay), I don't see how lumping myself in with a lying, cheating, closeted coward makes me "right." To out fags, AA, the antics of closet cases with girlfriends are an embarrassment and, in this day and age, a relic. If I could avoid "projecting" my own sexuality onto CIO's idiot boyfriend, I would: It doesn't exactly flatter me or other gay men to count him in our numbers. If I thought he were bi, AA, I'd be happy to let you have him.

If "Confused in Ohio" doesn't want to listen to your advice... perhaps she'll take mine as the voice of experience. Everything she described happened to me 14 years ago. My boyfriend wanted desperately not to be gay, and did his best to convince me too. Sex was fairly decent, in part because he was very motivated to please me and he rarely came. He told me, "That's just how I am." After we got married, he told me that the gay porn I kept finding was "only a hobby." I tried for many years to be open-minded and accepting, but got tired of waking up in the night, alone in the bed, knowing that he was in the computer room masturbating to more gay porn. After 12 years of marriage and three kids, he came out and we divorced. CIO: Dump your gay boyfriend before he becomes your gay husband, gay father of your children, and gay ex-husband.

Been There in Iowa

Thanks for sharing, BTII.

I have a different take on autofellatio, autofellatio in front of your girlfriend, and swallowing one's own come than you presented in your column last week: It's a humiliation/submissive/rape-type fantasy.

Speaking strictly for myself, I consider myself straight and I can do the autofellatio thing--and the girlfriend has watched me. And it was about humiliation, being dominated, or doing something considered "gross," like swallowing my own come. Showing the girlfriend what I could do, as WAC did, was a way to get closer to my fantasy of being forced to do something "gross" in front of someone. In fact, I think that the letters in last week's column, all of them concerning straight men doing things like sucking themselves, eating their own come, and being fucked with strap-ons, all have to do with men wanting to be dominated. I don't necessarily mean a full-on, tied-to-the-wall-and-fucked-up-the-ass kinda thing; but some people--including me somewhat--are turned on by an element of embarrassment or humiliation.

Finally, like many men, I found that the second I actually came, this thing I had been fantasizing about--being "forced" to swallow my own come--struck me as not nearly as good an idea as it was the second before I came.

My Two Cents

Thanks for sharing, MTC.

What's your gripe with Rufus Wainwright? He's a wonderful singer/songwriter, he's out, and he's adorable. Why all the Rufus bashing in last week's column?

Jeff

I actually like Rufus Wainwright, Jeff. I've been a fan since Equality Rocks, a concert held in Washington, D.C., after one of those quickly forgotten gay marches for freedom, equality, T-shirts, and an end to AIDS, racism, lookism, ageism, and other bad stuff. Unlike everyone else who took to the stage that day, Rufus refrained from making a complete ass out of himself. That was then. In an interview in the New York Times a few weeks back, Wainwright discussed his recent emergence from "gay hell"--basically, he'd been using way too many drugs and having way too much sex, and made himself miserable in the process. I found Rufus' "gay hell" comments annoying, Jeff, as no one is cast into gay hell--people dive into that particular lake of fire voluntarily, which makes it hard to sympathize with guys who complain about the time they spend there. So I was just, er, tweaking Rufus about the gay-hell thing.

Hey: The Stranger is looking for two models--one guy, one girl--in their early 20s who look freakishly good in their underwear, for our 2003 Strangercrombie catalog. No pay, just glory. Send pics and info to model@thestranger.com.

mail@savagelove.net

 

Commenting was not available when this article was originally published.

Comments (2) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
I agree... bringing it up was a way of wanting you to watch, I'm betting, because that's a turnon for me also... I actually have the same fetish, oddly that its a feat that you can do by yourself... but for me, its nowhere near as good as when a lovely woman watches me do it.. something about getting a strong reaction out of her.. and being "bad" in front of her, doing something taboo... and telling her its because seeing her beauty that turns me on enough to do "the impossible"... :)
It's definitely odd enough to rarely get a consistent perspective on it from anyone, although the most widespread one is the "never leave the house" reaction...
MOst people think its by chance or biology alone that lets someone do autofellatio; but I learned how with a complete guidebook at www.SheWhoWatches.com... seriously! :) check it out...
Posted by HOwToSelfSuck http://www.shewhowatches.com on April 22, 2013 at 3:48 PM · Report this
2
I agree... bringing it up was a way of wanting you to watch, I'm betting, because that's a turnon for me also... I actually have the same fetish, oddly that its a feat that you can do by yourself... but for me, its nowhere near as good as when a lovely woman watches me do it.. something about getting a strong reaction out of her.. and being "bad" in front of her, doing something taboo... and telling her its because seeing her beauty that turns me on enough to do "the impossible"... :)
It's definitely odd enough to rarely get a consistent perspective on it from anyone, although the most widespread one is the "never leave the house" reaction...
MOst people think its by chance or biology alone that lets someone do autofellatio; but I learned how with a complete guidebook at www.SheWhoWatches.com... seriously! :) check it out...
Posted by HOwToSelfSuck http://www.shewhowatches.com on April 22, 2013 at 3:52 PM · Report this

Add a comment