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Restrain Yourself

September 1, 2005

By Dan Savage

I went to a friend's wedding, a friend whom five years ago I would have called a "best friend." I don't know how to describe our friendship now because we don't talk or see each other much. I was reacquainted with her ex-boyfriend (she dated him for three months three years ago) at her wedding and now I'm dating him. She's pissed and claims that I am breaking the "Code"—the unwritten code of not dating your friends' exes. I assumed that ended if you got married. I have polled quite a few girlfriends to see what they think and most say the code is over when you marry, but some say it isn't. I am curious what you or your readers think.

Ending The Code

Where I come from, you're considered a model of self-restraint if you refrain from fucking your friends' current boyfriends. Exes are entirely fair game. So maybe I'm not the best judge, ETC, but for what it's worth here's my take:

If your friend had been traumatized by her relationship with this man and if the two of you were still so close that she would be forced to interact with him if you were dating him, then you should have refused to date her ex. But she clearly wasn't traumatized by her relationship with this man—she invited him to her wedding!—and you guys don't hang out much anymore. Any friends-don't-date-friends'-exes fatwa would have to be considered inoperative under these circumstances. Your buddy has no right to make you feel guilty about going after her ex.

Finally, I suspect something else is going on here. Your friendship isn't what it used to be: She's not making time to see you, you're not calling. Your friend may be, consciously or subconsciously, latching on to this supposed violation of some ridiculous code as cause to officially break with you. Some people find drifting apart harder to accept than blowing apart, hence your soon-to-be-ex-friend's manufactured outrage. She wants to make herself feel better—heck, feel superior—about the end of your friendship, and your supposed violation of this goofy code is the best she can come up with.

The attached picture is the cover of a recent local magazine here in Boston, MA. My girlfriend says the image is violent because the girl is tied up. I say it is not violent because the context (the alluring half-smile on the girl's face, the hearts on the wallpaper) suggests consent. What do you think?

Dave

First, anyone curious about the image we're discussing can go to link.thestranger.com/1154 and check it out.

Okay, Dave: Whether this drawing represents an act of consensual bondage or an incident of sexual violence is a question only the artist who created the image can answer. We could hunt the artist down and ask him, I suppose, but it's more interesting and more revealing to look inside our own hearts. When I see someone, a man or a woman, tied up with what looks like red electrical tape—available at your finer fetish shops—and that person has a half-smile on his or her face, I assume it's consensual bondage play, not violence. You clearly had the same reaction. To the enigmatic smile and heart-patterned wallpaper we can add the complete lack of any signs of visible stress. Her forehead is unlined, there is no fear in her eyes. She's clearly enjoying an intense sexual experience, not dreading what comes next.

But your girlfriend can't see past the bondage. While it can't be denied that consensual erotic bondage is a kind of ritualized sexual violence, consent transforms even seemingly violent sex acts into hearts-and-bunnies-and-flowers sex. On the flip side, a lack of consent can transform the dullest vanilla sex into an act of sexual violence. Consent is always and everywhere the magic ingredient, and your girlfriend's inability to see the implied consent in this image betrays her discomfort with kinky sex.

I'll be blunt: I'm straight, I'm smart, I'm funny, and I'm cool. I appreciate art, I'm good at talking to people, and I'm the loneliest damn bastard I know because I refuse to tolerate people who aren't as good as I am. Also, to my misfortune, I'm quite young—18 years young, in fact. This brings me to my questions: Thing 1: Where do I start the search to find my dream girl? Simply waiting around has not worked for me so far. Thing 2: How do I while away the time? I've tried burying my troubles in the random, pretty little bubbleheads that annoyingly populate my tiny, tiny world, but it just makes me that much lonelier when they can't talk about Foucault when we cuddle. Should I abstain until I find someone I can appreciate?

Awaiting your response with bated breath,

Studied Thoroughly Under Der Derian

I'll be blunt: Why would I give useful advice to an insufferable little shit like you? I may not want to sleep with women, STUDD, but I don't have anything against them as a people. And while you claim to be straight, smart, funny, and cool, I have only your word on those qualities. I have in my possession, however, absolute proof in the form of your letter that you are an unbearable twat and an intolerable dickweed. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I gave you advice that might result in you actually landing a girl.

Your saving grace, STUDD, is your age. An 18-year-old asshole is just as repulsive as a 38-year-old asshole, but there's still a chance—a slim one—that an 18-year-old can outgrow his assholery. There's still time for you to learn that no one is perfect, yourself included, and that we are all damaged goods. Tolerating others is the price we pay for being tolerated ourselves. If you don't learn these things, STUDD, and learn them soon, you deserve to be utterly alone.

I am a 21-year-old single mother. I'm about 5-feet, 6-inches tall and weigh 103 pounds. I run every day and generally try to take care of my body by eating right. My problem is that I hate the way I look. I am actually repulsed by my body. I try to take very brief showers and avoid the mirror when I can. I'm not a prude. The sight of naughty bits doesn't repulse me. But my avoidance of all nudity hinders my sexual encounters. I always want to wear a shirt or have the lights off. This is a problem with my current boyfriend because he says that if I trust him enough to sleep with him I should trust him enough to let him see me naked. He also has told me that we can't continue seeing each other if he doesn't get to see me naked. I have let him see every part of my nude body—just not all at once. So he knows I'm not hiding some monstrous deformity from him. I guess I thought my boyfriend would be more sensitive to my fear and let me stay covered up. Do I owe him nudity?

Wrapped Up

You see your boyfriend's insistence on seeing you naked as evidence of his insensitivity, WU, but I see it as proof that he cares about you. Your hang-ups about your body are irrational and they're something you need to get the fuck over. Hopefully his ultimatum will motivate you to get your ass to a shrink already. For while you don't "owe him nudity," WU, you do owe your boyfriend a partner who isn't a complete nutcase.

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1
A damned good way to get over insecurities about your body is to compare it to the bodies of other people--REAL people, not those airbrushed covermodels who spend three hours in Hair and Makeup before they ever confront a photographer.

Make it a habit to compare your own body to all those fat, pasty, acne-riddled, greasy-haired, dirty-clothed, stinky-pitted bodies you see around town. Go to Walmart, Kmart or a truck stop if you have to. Do this regularly, and it's a lot easier to not to hate your own body.

I'm 5' 6", 130 lbs, and an uninteresting B-cup: But I'm pretty damned fine compared to the average, obese, out of shape, apathetic American.
Posted by NotBadBodChick on September 23, 2008 at 12:14 AM · Report
2
If you are a woman out there that wants to appreciate her body naked, try watching How To Look Good Naked (the UK version, because the US one is terrible). Every episode has women from all around England in their underwear. Most of them aren't the prettyyoungthings from magazines either, they are real women of all shapes and sizes that appreciate themselves. You might find some of the advice useful as well. They get the woman to compare her least favourite body part to a range of women and place themselves by size. Usually they find that they are mentally carrying around an extra few dress sizes.
One woman hated the sight of her legs so much that her husband had never seen her naked and she wore tights during sex. The info and advice they gave her might help you too.
Posted by Naked Advice on November 1, 2009 at 1:11 AM · Report
3
It seems to me like wrapped up has a severe case of body dysmorphia -- and at 5' 6" and 103 pounds, she is definitely underweight. I don't think her "hang-ups" about being seen naked are the whole of it. Unless she has some medical condition that prevents her from gaining much weight or she is genetically REALLY skinny, she's probably anorexic, and that is another reason she needs to get some help.
Posted by not just shy on March 8, 2011 at 2:16 PM · Report
4
Many, many years too late, but WU's revulsion towards her body and her very low weight band together to scream eating disorder. I hope she got the help that she clearly so desperately needed.
Posted by TheRecklessRoute on September 4, 2012 at 4:41 AM · Report

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