More than 60 years ago, in high school, my best friend was an athlete. I developed the habit of sniffing his sweaty gym clothing and/or his jock straps, which sexually aroused me. The practice was very shameful, and not once in the many years since have I done anything similar. As my life nears its end, I want to have the opportunity to engage in this activity one more time. Is there an athlete anywhere from whom I might "purchase" appropriate pieces of clothing?
Ashamed Senior Citizen
Just about every porn star and escort in North America -- male and female -- is selling dirty undies online. One notable "athlete," Scott Sloan (www.scottsloan.com), not only sells his dirty undies online but also his... well, keep reading.
In the "shopping" section of Scott's website, he let's his fans know they can purchase his dirty gym clothes. "Warrior-like training sessions leave every layer of clothing thoroughly soaked," Scott writes. "I'll peel off my workout gear and jock and toss them into a personally signed Ziploc baggy for rush delivery. It's the ultimate locker room encounter." Each item costs $40, and unlike, say, Beanie Babies or Furbies, Scott promises there's "no limit" to the number of sweaty jocks you can order.
But wait! There's more!
If a fan wants to get even closer to Scott, he's also selling -- I hope no one's reading this column over lunch -- his Bodybuilder Butt Hairs. "After a major lifting session, [my ass has] a gamy, raunchy smell that you'd wish you could ruminate in all day. After a brutally sweaty workout, I'll shave my sweetly scented crack hairs over a Ziploc baggy. Afterwards, I'll wipe my ass clean and throw in the shit-stained paper, sign it (the bag, not the paper), and ship it to you." Oh, Holy Mary, Mother of Christ, pray for us sinners. At the end of his butt hair pitch, Scott mentions that "offers like this don't happen everyday." No, they don't, Scott, and we can thank Mary's intercession for that. A baggy filled with Scott's butt hairs will set you back $50.
But if you're a rich old man, ASC, why spend $50 on three-day-old sweaty gym clothes? I mean, we have no way of knowing whether Scott or anyone else selling their undies online actually stank up those jock straps and panties personally. For all we know, Scott buys old jock straps from Indonesian sweatshops. And short of DNA testing, how can we be sure those are Scott's butt hairs? If you've got $500 or $1,000 to spare, ASC, I'd urge you to head for a big city with a large number of male escorts -- San Francisco, Los Angeles, Toronto -- and book yourself a room in a nice hotel. Better hotels have gyms, most hotel gyms have treadmills, and most hotel gyms are empty most of the time....
You can find escort ads online, or in any big city's gay newspaper. Tell the escort you just want him to come to your hotel and run on a treadmill for half an hour, then hand over his sweaty gym clothes. Don't worry about scaring off escorts -- believe me, they've all been asked to do worse. Christian has been "escorting" men around San Francisco's better hotel rooms for a year, and in that short time he's been asked to do everything from beatings ("Okay with me, but nothing too severe") to plopping down on a "feeding seat" ("No way am I doing anything like that").
Would Christian run on a treadmill for you? "Sure, I would do the treadmill and get all sweaty for him." Christian normally charges between $200-250 an hour, and can be reached at 415-699-5715. He's also one hot little number, judging from his picture in The Bay Area Reporter.
My current boyfriend's biggest turn-on is to give golden showers, i.e. pee all over his girlfriends. At first, this activity sounded disgusting, but I love him and want him to be as satisfied as I am, so I'm considering "taking a shower." According to [the Boston Women's Health Collective's Book] Our Bodies, Ourselves, one should wear goggles to protect your eyes. Do I really have to wear them? What could they possibly protect me from? He's given many a golden shower before, and I'm sure none of these other women wore unsexy swimming goggles.
Golden Shower Girl
I skimmed through the chapters on sex in my copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves -- not something I would recommend to anyone remotely interested in ever actually having sex -- and couldn't find a word about golden showers. In fact, the only listing in OBO's index under "gold" was for noted sexpot Emma Goldman. There was also nothing about golden showers in Dr. Ruth's Sex for Dummies, The New Joy of Sex, or The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex. By contrast, every gay sex manual in my library went on and on about golden showers. Considering that there are just as many hetero piss freaks out there as homo -- according to Kevin, my research assistant, a bigwig in the Piss Freak Community -- I find these omissions odd.
As for goggles, well, Kevin tells me he doesn't own a pair, and none of the gay sex manuals recommend them. However, one warned that if your partner has gonorrhea and pisses in your eyes, you're at some... slight... risk... of going blind. Instead of goggles, Kevin recommends a full battery of STD tests before you make your partner's wet dreams come true. Is being pissed on disgusting? Not really. You'll discover that clean, clear piss is just so much warm water. So long as your designated pisser hasn't been drinking asparagus smoothies -- have him drink a lot of water and beer instead -- there's nothing offensive about piss. Or so Kevin tells me.
I love sneakers, especially women's. I sometimes have sex with sneakers. I stimulate myself with them and orgasm in them. Am I the only person who likes this?
Listen up, freaks: This is the last time I'm going to run one of your whiny "am I the only one?" letters. Whatever your fetish, no matter how obscure, there are other people like you out there, and guess what? Every last one of them is online. Crush fetishists? Online. Plush toy fetishists? Online. Women-who-enjoy-decapitating-men fetishists? Online.
So, Sneaker Man, guess what? I typed "sneaker fetish" into a search engine, waited two seconds, and my Herculean efforts were rewarded with several dozen sneaker fetish home pages and porn sights. Mule's Fetish Page (www.tpe.com/~mule/fiction/fetish.htm) is pretty comprehensive and includes a "Keds Masturbation Manual." The best commercial sight was www.sneakerfetish.com, which featured many highly un-erotic pictures of naked women laying around in their sneakers. Knock yourself out.
Do you have any advice for couples in long-term, monogamous relationships? I'm tired of all the perv, kink, bisexual dilemmas in your column. Can you find it in your heart to include -- at least in one column -- some advice for keeping sex interesting for people like us?
Monogamous in Middletown
This ought to liven things up: Have your husband sniff a male escort's dirty gym clothes as he lies in the bathtub wearing goggles while bringing himself to orgasm in one of your old Keds as you piss all over him while simultaneously sprinkling your butt hairs over his head.
Dan Savage's new book, The Kid... An Adoption Story, is in bookstores now.