Feeding Time

October 15, 2009

By Dan Savage

I'm a 25-year-old girl dating a 26-year-old guy. My boyfriend identifies as sexually submissive. He likes to be tied up, put in women's underwear, and locked in a chastity device, and he has a strong urge to please. I hate the term, but I suppose you could call me a "feeder." I am turned on by the idea of someone eating a lot of food, usually junk food, and putting on weight.

It's probably related, but I'm also a bit of a fitness nut. Consequently, I feel somewhat guilty about indulging my fetish, but I figure every now and then shouldn't hurt. Thing is, he's started to eat too much to please me. He's put on weight, and while the libido part of me finds it hot, the logical part of me wants him to be healthy and stop before he gets, like, actually fat.

Thing is, it's hard enough to convince your partner to work out when it will lead to your being more attracted to him. It's nearly impossible to convince your partner to work out when it may lead to your being less attracted to him. So what do I do? I could say he knows the risks, and I'm not forcing him to do anything. But I would still feel bad knowing that he was essentially worse off—less healthy—for having dated me. I don't want to give him a complex.

Fat Admirer Troubled

Your boyfriend is a submissive crossdresser who's into bondage and chastity, FAT, so he came to you with a complex—two or three at least. Not that there's anything wrong with that: His complexes, and the fetishes and kinks they've sprouted, give him a great deal of pleasure, FAT, and it sounds like you're enjoying 'em, too. We should all be so lucky to have such complexes.

So get off the rack already—that's where the boyfriend belongs—and negotiate an explicit "power exchange agreement" where his diet and weight are concerned. Explain to him that having a dominant feeder girlfriend doesn't give him license to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and put on however much weight he wants. You're the dominant, FAT, you're in charge, so you get to determine what he eats, when he eats, how much he eats, and ultimately how much weight he gains.

Luckily for him, FAT, you're a conscientious, ethical dominant feeder. You're not one of those evil feeders who wants to do lasting harm to some poor gainer; you don't want to feed your boyfriend into a weight-related disability and/or an early grave. You're interested in feeder play, not murder-by-cream-cheese-frosting.

So order the boyfriend to eat junk food, sit on his ass, and gain weight for a few months, FAT, and then order him to eat healthier food, get off his ass, and lose the weight. Don't let his weight go more than 30 pounds over his ideal weight and you won't be doing him any real or lasting harm.

And FAT? Even if indulging your fetish shaves a year or two off his life, well, people throw away decades of their lives for lesser pleasures. People smoke, ride motorcycles without helmets, and stick their rear ends in the air in skank-ass sex clubs. Our bodies are our own, FAT; they're ours to use, abuse, and, since we're all going to die one day, they're ours to use up. Sane adults strike a balance between taking care of our bodies—eating right, drinking in moderation, getting exercise—while still allowing for pleasures that require us to eat poorly, drink in excess, and lie motionless for days at a time while we recover. The better care you take of yourself—the more time you spend eating right, drinking in moderation, and exercising—the longer you'll live, of course, and the more pleasures you'll get to enjoy before you inevitably croak.

It's ultimately up to your boyfriend to determine whether the pleasures of submitting to you—including the pleasure of indulging your fetish—are worth the risks to his health. Is having a kick-ass sex life with you in his 20s—and possibly in his 30s, 40s, and 50s—worth shaving a year or two off his life in his 70s or 80s? If he decides that the answer is yes, FAT, be a gracious bondage/chastity/feeding top, take yes for an answer, and shove a doughnut in his mouth.

A question in the spirit of the season: Can zombie sex ever be consensual? Because I think if confronted with a zombified Zac Efron, I might go for it if he were properly restrained. Can you teach a zombie a safe word? Does it count if it's "braaaains"? It's not necrophilia with the WALKING dead, is it? What would you say is the sexual morality of this situation?

Hope In Zombie Zac If Ethical

If you'd seen Zombieland, HIZZIE, you'd know that a hot person, once transformed into a zombie, isn't hot anymore. A pretty girl falls asleep in the arms of Zombieland's nebbishy hero and awakes as a thoroughly hideous flesh-eating monster. Even a zombified Zac Efron—I'm going to resist the obvious joke—would be too repulsive to fuck. Think of the gore, the viscera; think of the Axe body spray.

As for the morality of the situation, fucking zombies is still necrophilia, technically speaking, but practically speaking, it comes closer to bestiality. A human being who has been zombified is nothing but an animal, hungry for brains, incapable of thought, much less consent. We can kill animals for their flesh, but we mustn't fuck them, HIZZIE; we can kill zombies for wanting our flesh, but likewise we mustn't fuck them.

Met a super-hot boy—straight!—at Pony. Nice, familiar with my work (I'm an artist), thinks I'm all great. Talked, kissed. Exchanged numbers. Made plans. For a date. Dinner. He tells me he's married but in an "open relationship." What do I do? Do open relationships really exist?

She Lusts Until Truth

Yes, SLUT, open relationships exist. But the only person who can confirm that this boy—straight!—is actually in one, SLUT, is his wife. Ask her. Before you kiss. That boy some more. Or go. On. That. Date.

I came up with an amazing word, and I have been trying like hell to get it into the dictionary: procrasturbation. It means "to waste time pleasuring yourself." I wrote Merriam-Webster back in 2004—here is the response I got: "Your coinage is clever, but I'm afraid that cleverness is not the criterion on which a word is entered into our dictionaries... For 'procrasturbate' to be entered, it will need to appear in a number of well-read print sources for a good number of years. When we've collected enough citations for the word, we will enter it into our dictionary."

Help me out, Dan, by using "procrasturbate" in your column.

Organically Enters Dictionary

"Procrasturbate" is genius, OED, but appearing in my column isn't going to get it into the dictionary. "Santorum" has appeared in this space and other well-read print sources for years, and it hasn't seeped into Merriam-Webster's yet. I call shenanigans. recommended

mail@savagelove.net

 

Comments (101) RSS

Oldest First Unregistered On Registered On Add a comment
1
great!
Posted by alosha on October 13, 2009 at 8:24 PM · Report
2
I hadn't before considered the morality of zombie sex. Once again, this column enlightens.
Posted by Makenna on October 13, 2009 at 8:30 PM · Report
3
I love zombies, and I love Dan for seriously answering that question.
Posted by irsmurfette on October 13, 2009 at 8:32 PM · Report
4
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.ph…
procrasturbate has been around for at least 5 years... like hell he came up with it
Posted by google is your friend on October 13, 2009 at 8:34 PM · Report
5
Sex with a zombie would be beyond gross, because the male zombie's --ahem--appendages would probably decompose and fall off anyways. GROSS!! You'd be left with an oozing empty space there.
Posted by vivi43 on October 13, 2009 at 8:35 PM · Report
6
that's define.php?term=procrasturbate
Posted by preview is your friend on October 13, 2009 at 8:36 PM · Report
7
Procrasturbate is hilarious, even if she/he didn't come up with it first. But he/she did write to Webster's in 2004--and probably put it into the Urban Dictionary as a step in getting it into common usage.
Posted by ratty rat on October 13, 2009 at 8:42 PM · Report
8
Oh yes, I love procrasturbation! It regularly occurs in my life.
Posted by lizza on October 13, 2009 at 8:51 PM · Report
9
I'm procrasturbating right now!
Posted by Yawgmoth on October 13, 2009 at 9:06 PM · Report
10
Zombie sex - this is a burning issue? I hate to break it to people but zombies aren't real, and Dan's response wasn't funny enough to make it worthwhile. Procrasturbation sounds like someone who's too lazy to masturbate. Disappointing column this week.
Posted by JS on October 13, 2009 at 9:15 PM · Report
O my Captain 11
It seems like zombie sex would run the same risks as sex with a lepper...they might leave a tip behind!
Posted by O my Captain on October 13, 2009 at 9:18 PM · Report
12
In response to #10, procrasturbation is masturbation, but used in order to procrastinate from doing something else. Just clarifyin'.

And did Hizzie never see Planet Terror? Yes, these creatures aren't necessarily zombies, but seeing Quentin Tarantino's goopy junk falling between his legs was enough to turn me off any zombie/deteriorating once-human...even if he was an adorable Dylan Moran from Shaun of the Dead.

This week was an interesting one Dan, but still great. I loved your response to the first question. Keep up the great work!
Posted by bea_rose13 on October 13, 2009 at 9:37 PM · Report
13
Procrasturbation! Now I know what to call it when I put off something important for some self indulgence. As soon as I saw the word, I knew that it filled a void in my vocabulary. Although if I call it "procasturbation" instead of just plain "masturbation" I'll have to start feeling guilty about it.
Posted by Brie on October 13, 2009 at 10:17 PM · Report
14
Definitely people's bodies are theirs to abuse or use in sexually productive ways, fine, and the minute to minute risk of carrying 30 pounds of extra fat around may be small (especially if he stays fit), but it'd be a mistake to suggest that's negligible weight gain. BMI wise that's about halfway to obese, and there is a substantial and measurable increase in everything from diabetes and hypertension to knee arthritis. If the whole country gained (another) 30 pounds it'd be an disaster. It's not negligible.
Posted by yonush18 on October 13, 2009 at 10:32 PM · Report
kim in portland 15
"Procrasturbate" is genius. It made me smile.
Posted by kim in portland on October 13, 2009 at 10:59 PM · Report
16
@14, it was my impression that Dan was saying that 30 lbs. was the max that the boyfriend could ever pack on during a series of binging/feeding sessions - not that he should put on that much and keep it permanently. He specifically mentioned gaining 30 pounds *and then* loosing it again through diet and exercise - 30 was the limit to how high he could climb at any one point.
Posted by lymerae on October 13, 2009 at 11:03 PM · Report
17
Never thought to leave a comment before but just had to given the brilliance of the responses. What a masturdebater..!
Posted by deathbear on October 13, 2009 at 11:19 PM · Report
18
All these comments must have been made by very cunning linguists.
Posted by rach3l on October 13, 2009 at 11:57 PM · Report
19
Meh. I've been using procrasturbate since at least 2001, and I started using it after hearing a friend do so. That letter writer needs to get his hand off it and stop trying to claim credit for a word that's been around for ages (and is an obvious portmanteau).
Posted by wordnerd on October 14, 2009 at 12:51 AM · Report
20
Procrastibate also appeared in McSweeneys Brocyclopedia. Agree with google is your friend. This guy didn't come up with it.

http://mcsweeneys.net/2009/10/8young.htm…
Posted by Whiskey Wednesdays on October 14, 2009 at 1:00 AM · Report
21
Procrasturbate is genius? Ha ha, usually I agree with Dan, but this time I think the coinage is a bit too clunky and obvious. Santorum, on the other hand -- that's genius.

Right on vis. the zombies as well. Since when is decomposition sexy? Methinks the writer might have been thinking of vampires... Or just havin' a little fun. :)

http://fasttimesinpalestine.wordpress.co…
Posted by Pamela River on October 14, 2009 at 1:46 AM · Report
22
FFS about the feeding thing.

Actually, being 30lb "overweight" is probably healthier than yo-yo dieting. Sudden weight gains and losses put a hell of a lot of pressure on your body. There's also quite a bit of research that seems to indicate that yo-yoing your weight tends to make you put on MORE over time.

It would make a hell of a lot more sense if b/f maintained a constant weight by eating whatever and exercising consistently. And it'd be a fuck of a lot better for him.

(I admit to having a prejudice against this particular kink - because controlling someone's food intake seems fundamentally screwy to me - but that has no bearing on my remarks)
Posted by Trix on October 14, 2009 at 2:00 AM · Report
23
I know this.... it is a whole lot easier for people (me specifically) to get fat than it is to get skinny! Caveat Emptor applies in this case I think. Be careful of what you ask for you may get it. From FAT's description it seems that this is enjoyable now, but it could turn out badly if one or both of them lose sight of the "spirit" of this dom/sub thing.
Posted by stormblade on October 14, 2009 at 2:11 AM · Report
24
procrasturbation - on the slipperly slope towards loserdom and being the guy (usually always "he")who cant get it together because he avoids dealing with real life issues by self medicative wanking. Of course, its all fine and fun if you keep it check to a level but where is the line? Depends for each person, I guess. But its a fine line and easier than one may think to allow the line to slowly move toward the region where it becomes a crutch to relieve anxiety and avoiding facing challenges head on.
Posted by bagel on October 14, 2009 at 2:28 AM · Report
anh 25
@4, he did say that he contacted Merriam-Webster's 5 years ago. Of course, you'd have to know how to add in order to know that 2004+5=2009. Regardless of whether or not he invented the word, my guess is that he only wants it to get into the dictionary so that he can sound half as cool as Ashton Kutcher when he uses "I invented the word 'procrasturbate'" as a pick-up line. Sadly, it will be just as effective as any other pick-up line and will only work on the deaf, dumb, or blind.

@10, Clearly you take yourself and this column too seriously. Learn to laugh a little. Life is much more enjoyable for the easily amused. The zombie thing was a joke, even though some part of your post suggests that you don't ACTUALLY believe that zombies are not real.

Personally, I loved the zombie question and the response about the Axe body spray! Hilarious!
Posted by anh on October 14, 2009 at 3:11 AM · Report
26
Yo-yo dieting seems like really bad advice to me. Not to mention, most research shows that each successive diet tends to be less effective - i.e. it's harder to lose that 30 pounds when you are trying to do so for the 10th time. Better advice would be to let the boyfriend decide what he is willing to do to his body for the sake of sex, and then let him eat what and how he chooses to. If he keeps up the exercise and makes sure he's getting some good nutrition (vitamins, enough protein, etc) on top of whatever else he eats, he should stay pretty healthy even if he does end up fat. Fat people can be healthy too, you know. And chances are, his metabolism will even it out eventually so he'll balance out at a new stable weight and not keep getting fatter and fatter forever.
Posted by RachelH on October 14, 2009 at 3:52 AM · Report
27
Procrasurbate. Nice neologism. Of course, it could easily have been thought of by multiple people.

(Or is that a...neolojizm?)
Posted by zzakk on October 14, 2009 at 4:16 AM · Report
28
@27 - a good sexual neologism is a neologasm. Duh.
Posted by whadonna on October 14, 2009 at 6:26 AM · Report
29
Anh, you're an ass. I'm gonna have my deaf and blind friends (and a couple big, dumb ones, too) come smack you upside the head.

LOVED today's column. Perfect freewheelin' fun. I don't get y'all who aren't just having fun with the zombie debate. Hilarious question, and a straight-man (sorry, Dan) answer was the perfect reply!
Posted by sintx on October 14, 2009 at 6:42 AM · Report
30
I was surprised to see Dan Savage get a mention in the Canadian show 'Being Erica' on CBC last night. The characters on the show where looking for someone to write a sex book. Dan Savage was the first name mentioned, Sue Johansen was second I think. The only follow-up reference to Dan was being a newspaper columnist from Portland. Guess they figured you were well enough know to the general public that no further explanation was needed. COOL!
Posted by Fritz Kat on October 14, 2009 at 6:56 AM · Report
31
Yo-yo'ing in weight is far less healthy in the long term than carrying some modest extra weight. Is yo-yo'ing less healthy than continuing to gain weight medestly until you are huge? I doubt it.

The boy clearly needs to decide what risks he'll take with his health. The she can manage the situation as she sees fit, with the handling thereof and reponsibility for taken out of his submissive hands.

Personally, I think this feeder needs to add a new fetish as a drill sarge and get the best of both worlds.
Posted by Lostmyloginagain on October 14, 2009 at 8:27 AM · Report
32
"If he keeps up the exercise and makes sure he's getting some good nutrition (vitamins, enough protein, etc)"

Whaaa? When was the last time you met a fat person who wasn't getting enough protein? This isn't subsaharan africa; we get tons. And vitamin deficiency? Why would this be a concern when intake is only being increased? US diets are full of fortified foods, although we should all know a doughnut with vitamins isn't any healthier. Unless he lives in Seattle and needs D, he's only got to worry about the fat.

"Fat people can be healthy too, you know. And chances are, his metabolism will even it out eventually so he'll balance out at a new stable weight..."

Fat people CAN be healthy; you can take bareback cock and not get HIV. You can ride a motorcycle without a helmet and remain uninjured. You can fail to exercise and not have a heart attack. But it's not good advice. And what reason do we have to believe that his weight will just even out? Getting fat does several things to make us keep gaining: we learn bad habits, its harder to exercise, your body "defends" the new weight, and you tend to obtain fatter friends / make your friends fatter (see JAMA article on fat friend networks), and its much harder to lose than to gain if just for the simple reason an extra slice of pie is nicer than starvation daily for months to years to lose.
Posted by yonush18 on October 14, 2009 at 9:14 AM · Report
33
Dan. I. Love. The. Punctuation. Parody. Thanks. For. Making. Me. Laugh. Out. Loud. At work! Now. Everyone. Thinks. I'm. Even. Weirder.
Posted by TaniaLeeKarate on October 14, 2009 at 9:35 AM · Report
Trinabeana 34
Hey SLUT, it's true, there are married people in open relationships. Obviously Dan's advice is good, check with the wife, then go have fun! It's possible his wife will enjoy/get off on hearing all the juicy details later.
Posted by Trinabeana http://www.facebook.com/trinabird on October 14, 2009 at 9:53 AM · Report
35
@32, you can be fat and still have nutritional deficiencies. It's easy, if the majority of your calories come from pop, chips, cookies and french fries. I've met a lot of overweight poeple who never touch a vegetable that doesn't come on a burger, and only eat fruit if it is in a pie.
Posted by diane b on October 14, 2009 at 9:58 AM · Report
36
Isn't the 30# mark what actors/actress' use for weight gain/loss for film roles?

@14 A person's weight gives you absolutely no clue as to what that person's BMI is. Weight is a very, very poor measurement to use for comparison. 30# will mean very little to a person who is tall and fit where it means a great deal to a person whom is short and not very active.

I also think the 'yo-yo' dieting worries are a bit of an over reaction. Aren't we expected to fluctuate 5-15# on either side of our ideal as a part of normal metabolic cycles?
Posted by AhmNee on October 14, 2009 at 10:08 AM · Report
37
Dan, HIZZIE's letter is the stupidest one you ever indulged, ever. Why did this one make it to your column?
Posted by RDM on October 14, 2009 at 10:46 AM · Report
38
He didn't make up procrasturbate, or procrasturbation. I've been using it for years. And I didn't make it up either. My friend Sara may or may not have made it up. Most likely not.

It's been listed in the urban dictionary for a while, and the website has been sold (dammit!)
I was convinced I'd made up 'vagenda: A list of men you want to fuck, but haven't yet'. And then found that the website was already taken and it was listed on the urban dictionary. Double Dammit!!!

Great minds just think alike.
Posted by godsnaughtymonkey on October 14, 2009 at 11:19 AM · Report
39
i've got one too.... Oblication. it's when you get stuck using vaca time from work to visit family members that you don't particularly want to see but you have a responsibility to visit them.

"So, you're going on vacation eh? Have fun!"
"eh... not vacation - oblication. visiting my mother in law. wish me luck."
Posted by justme on October 14, 2009 at 11:29 AM · Report
40
oh, dang, guess i wasn't the first to invent mine either...
Posted by justme on October 14, 2009 at 11:50 AM · Report
41
Don't know if justme came up or is just passing along oblication, but I like it!
Posted by freshnycman on October 14, 2009 at 12:19 PM · Report
anh 42
@29 I'm curious what makes you say that I'm an ass? Because I made a comment referring to deafness, blindness, and dumbness? In case you haven't noticed, I was referring to a social situation, not making derogatory remarks about social classes or persons with actual disabilities. There are plenty of people in this world that act figuratively blind and deaf. Whether or not they really are is irrelevant to how dumb they are. Not to mention that I said nothing about believing that just because someone is deaf or blind that they are dumb. I know very well that is not the case. There's always three fingers pointing back at you when you point the finger at someone else -- such as calling someone an ass and then threatening them. Try paying attention to the context more than just the words.
Posted by anh on October 14, 2009 at 12:22 PM · Report
43
I wish santorum were in the dictionaries. Then I wouldn't have offended my (sadly) republican husband when I exclaimed that we had gotten it on the sheet last night. He accused me of maligning an actual man's name, rather than of using a word in the correct grammatical context. I maintain that I did both, but at the time I honestly wasn't thinking of Rick Santorum. The word has flipped in my consciousness, from a proper noun to a very improper one.
As for procrasturbation, I'll try to throw it around. It's as good a word as any.
Posted by charlie on October 14, 2009 at 1:13 PM · Report
44
Yo-yo weight gain/loss is worse for your health than substantial weight carried around throughout a person's life. You'd think Dan might consider actually consulting a medical professional before dispensing irresponsible advice, but I guess Mr. Savage is yet another Credulous Fucking Hack.
Posted by keshmeshi on October 14, 2009 at 1:51 PM · Report
45
This actually raises an interesting philosophical question: is it wrong to have sex with something that doesn't exist? After all, if it doesn't exist, it cannot consent, and therefore any putative sexual action would necessarily be rape.

On the other hand, since it doesn't exist, it can't be harmed in any way (including emotionally or developmentally) from being fucked non-consensually, and therefore passes the campsite rule.

Quite a conundrum!
Posted by Rene Descartes on October 14, 2009 at 2:03 PM · Report
46
My friends and I were using the word "procrasturbation" in the mid-1990s (and I have the emails to prove it), though with us it meant something closer to "procrastinating in a self-indulgent [i.e. masturbatory] way". I doubt we were the only ones -- it's a pretty obvious coinage.
Posted by Still procrasturbatin' after all these years on October 14, 2009 at 2:37 PM · Report
47
Shenanigans? Oh boy! Lemme get my broom!
Posted by drew1982 on October 14, 2009 at 3:16 PM · Report
48
For serious consideration of Zombie sex, I suggest one watches "I, Zombie" first. Some things to porder there...
Posted by 100yrsofjune on October 14, 2009 at 3:47 PM · Report
49
The Axe Body Spray -- my girlfriend works at a middle school and they can tell when a young man hits puberty as they seem to take hourly flea baths in Axe Body Spray !
Posted by H-Bob on October 14, 2009 at 4:40 PM · Report
50
they had emails in 1990?
Posted by LOL on October 14, 2009 at 5:15 PM · Report
Uriel-238 51
My current going word is fuckery, an alternative to the gerrund, fucking to indicate a conceptual or metaphoric equivilant to fucking. Used typically in compounds.

For example: Phillip is really into buttfucking. means that Phillip literally likes anal penetration during sex (most likely providing, but not necessarily).

On the other hand: Phillip is really into buttfuckery. means that Phillip enjoys worrying about others who might or might not be buttfucking each other.

Inspired by past SLOG exchanges, and the Jon Stewart's recent meal of rump of CNN which featured goatfuckery.
Posted by Uriel-238 on October 14, 2009 at 5:23 PM · Report
52
my only objection to procrasturbating is that, while it bills itself as a particular KIND of procrastinating, it's not -- it's just plain old procrastinating, under a new name. Pretty much all procrastination is procrastination to please oneself. If it's for another reason, you're not really PROCRASTINATING x-ing, you're just too busy to x.

So "procrasturbation" isn't really a useful addition. It doesn't really mean anything different from "procrastination."
Posted by cephi on October 14, 2009 at 6:19 PM · Report
Milbury 53
@58

"Fuckery" isn't a new word. I can remember more than a few occasions during my childhood in which my cousin and I would take things just a little... too... far...

And suddenly, my uncle would yell, "Stop all of this fuckery right now!", at us. We'd stop, because he was (and still is) a very large Jamaican man.
Posted by Milbury on October 14, 2009 at 6:35 PM · Report
54
"What kind of fuckery is this?"
- Amy Winehouse
Posted by Playing in Peoria on October 14, 2009 at 6:55 PM · Report
55
Riding without a helmet will not shave decades off your life unless you crash. If you don't ride Dan then you can't evaluate how pleasurable a rider might find it. Zombies? Really practical subject for the lord of sex advice. I guess you can't be brilliant all the time, eh?
Posted by Red on October 14, 2009 at 7:29 PM · Report
56
I'd say to SLUT... if the wife says yes enthusiastically, go for it... if she gives any indication that something's rotten in another nation... then run. Just run. He's not worth it.
Posted by LynnInDenver on October 14, 2009 at 8:56 PM · Report
Nic32 57
Great advice to FAT, Dan! As usual, you understand the issues involved and how to make them work.

But to SLUT, how does someone read this colunn, and not know that open relationships exist???
Posted by Nic32 http://expressionofhope.wordpress.com/ on October 14, 2009 at 9:06 PM · Report
58
Hey Dan,
Did you at least get paid for the Zombieland plug? Product placement hits the columnists.
Posted by look at the pepsi in my hand on October 14, 2009 at 9:13 PM · Report
59
The weight advice is awful. He'll gain the 30 lbs, and he probably won't lose it again. It is much, much easier to gain weight than to lose. 30 lbs is actually a pretty substantial amount of weight. Many women will gain that, or a little more, in pregnancy (including weight of baby, amniotic fluid, and placenta)--and look how many fail to lose it afterward. When you gain weight, your metabolism adapts and learns to maintain that weight. Losing weight is, for most people, the metabolic equivalent of walking up the down escalator. The only surefire way to avoid being a failed dieter is to not gain weight.

This was a ball drop, Dan.
Posted by Your Ad Here on October 15, 2009 at 12:44 AM · Report
60
re reply to SLUT: Ha. ha. ha.
in other words, what TaniaLeeKarate @33 said.
Posted by amused lol on October 15, 2009 at 6:31 AM · Report
Helgaleena 61
My authors and I have debated the zombie sex issue extensively. To see what came of it, check out some of our books this Halloween.
http://www.darkroastpress.com

Meanwhile, the ethics of sex with imaginary creatures? I have to take this up with my incubus, obviously!
Posted by Helgaleena http://www.darkroastpress.com on October 15, 2009 at 10:50 AM · Report
62
You know, in Graveyard Alive: A Zombie Nurse In Love the chick actually gets HOTTER after she becomes a zombie.

Otherwise? Fantastic column this week!
Posted by MLClark on October 15, 2009 at 12:26 PM · Report
Donut 63
thanks for the mental image of 'seeping' santorum...
Posted by Donut on October 15, 2009 at 3:17 PM · Report
BenDeLaCreme 64
I'd like to chime in on this important zombie issue. I feel I have a uniquely pertinent perspective as the only individual, to my knowledge, who has actually had public canoodlings with the reanimated corpse of Zac Efron. Just last Friday, in fact! On stage at Trannyshack, Seattle!
Is this reader's question a few days later a mere coincidence?
Probably.
Or perhaps we share one mind!
In any case, my conclusion on zombie romps-in-the-hay is that they are super gross, but CELEBRITY hay-romping is the trump card to end all!
If YOU are curious about the mechanics of cadaver courtship, come see me and my new boy-toy, zombie Zac Efron, in our new romantic musical act!
We'll be at the PINK DOOR in Pike Place Market this saturday at 11pm or at Hard Times' Halloween Hootenanny at THE WAR ROOM on wednesday 28th.
Hope I can continue to join Mr. Savage in providing clarity on these pressing issues.
Sincerely,
-Ben DeLaCreme, Star of Stage and Street.
check my performance calender at http://www.myspace.com/bendelacreme
Posted by BenDeLaCreme http://www.myspace.com/bendelacreme on October 15, 2009 at 5:52 PM · Report
slomopomo 65
64 would have been funnier if it were "Clem de la Creme," but then again, maybe Clem isn't such a good stage name on the Coast, after all.
Posted by slomopomo on October 15, 2009 at 9:49 PM · Report
OutInBumF 66
@48- Another excellent flick to ponder re: sex with the re-animated- "Otto-or Up With Dead People". Fascinating and the corpse-sex is almost (but not quite) hot.
Posted by OutInBumF on October 15, 2009 at 11:57 PM · Report
67
Well, the creepy neighbor guy in "Fido" had a teenage zombie sex slave. The girl died suddenly of an aneurysm or something and he just happened to have a zombie capture collar on him at the time. She wasn't falling apart, but getting oral sex from her seemed to be on the same level as sticking your dick in a motorized nutcracker on speed.
Posted by DigitalCoyote on October 16, 2009 at 12:16 AM · Report
Rev.Smith 68
dear FAT: perhaps faux bulemia, post-coital and out of your sight, could be your mutual friend? Is it the feeding or the weight gain that turns you on (i.e. do you love stuffing his mouth, or get wet when he steps on the scale/has to try on new clothes?) If it's facestuffery, then the boy could learn to gag.

@11, and 27: Oh my. That was Pungent.

28: Better.

@14: "If the whole country gained (another) 30 pounds it'd be an disaster"

I think the phrase you're looking for here would be "...it'd be 2020, give or take a year".

@29 / @42: the "dumb" in that cliche doesn't mean stupid. It means mute. (Like Lavinia in the later acts of Titus: Tongue gone. Hands optional.)
Oy! Kids these days.

@55: w/r/t zombie sex advice crit: It's october, there's pagan holiday coming up, and some zombie sexplay will be ensuing, at least in Seattle.
I suppose you also believe every word you read in the Stranger when it comes out on the first day of April?
Posted by Rev.Smith on October 16, 2009 at 2:05 AM · Report
plainwater 69
Dan, your response to FAT was such a breath of fresh air. I would like to point out that research (see Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon & junkfoodscience.blogspot.com) shows that the health risks commonly linked to obesity have also been linked to yoyo dieting. Continually gaining and losing weight is harder on the body than just being fat. So it might not just be a year or two shaved off of FAT's boyfriend's life, but chronic illness as well.
Posted by plainwater on October 16, 2009 at 7:54 AM · Report
70
speaking of procrasturbation.....
http://kevo-rulez.myminicity.com/

that's what i do in my free time. i need a life.
Posted by d.corley on October 16, 2009 at 9:34 AM · Report
71
@35, yes you can be fat with nutritional deficiencies. Almost al of these people had gastric bypass which deliberately creates malabsorption (other causes include sprue, lots of women lose iron, obviously; old people often run low on B12 and folate, people who only drink ethanol get thiamine deficient, etc). Otherwise, it is breathtakingly difficult to get a vitamin deficiency in the USA--eating only vegetables that come on a burger, and only fruit in a pie is sufficient. It might not be optimal, but we already knew that. Case in point: some vegans do ok without b12 pills and b12 ONLY comes from animal sources--there's enough animal crud and insect parts in the PB to meet their need. And most fat people aren't just eating crisco, they're getting their MacD's and Cheesecake Factory and Crappo Cereal and there is plenty of variety and fortification to get along. Trust me I've worked in medicine 8 years and I've never met someone with a nutritional deficiency that wasn't from a specific disease state or was mentioned above. Show me a fat guy with scurvy and I'll change my views.
Posted by yonush18 on October 16, 2009 at 11:52 AM · Report
72
OMG - i use to procrasturbate ALL THE TIME in high school -- especially my senior year. i'd come home from school, set all my homework on my desk, and then watch tv and procrasturbate until dinnertime. so happy to finally put a word to my fav way to NOT do what i'm supposed to. :)
Posted by Ms MRS on October 16, 2009 at 12:55 PM · Report
73
"dear FAT: perhaps faux bulemia, post-coital and out of your sight, could be your mutual friend? Is it the feeding or the weight gain that turns you on (i.e. do you love stuffing his mouth, or get wet when he steps on the scale/has to try on new clothes?) If it's facestuffery, then the boy could learn to gag. "

Worst advice i've heard in a long time. Its spelled "bulimia", can become incredibly addictive, and is significantly more unhealthy and life threatening than weight gain.
Posted by graffitipassion on October 16, 2009 at 1:25 PM · Report
74
PROCRASTURBATION doesn't exist. There is no time WASTED in pleasuring onesself.
Posted by RawForReal on October 16, 2009 at 5:10 PM · Report
75
this is my official 'help me I am in hell' comment for this time of year. fuckery aside, but the necrophetishism that I highly recommend for the straight boys is, I know I will be booed and rightly so, is Zombie Strippers, Rbt. Englund, Jenna Jameson, et al. I have *never* wanted to use a baseball bat on a zombie so much so as Jenna when she did the undead pole dance. thanks for the column, continue the promcrasti-whatever.
S
Posted by Unremittance on October 16, 2009 at 5:32 PM · Report
Rev.Smith 76
@73:
Bulimia, or more specifically, purging, is merely arguably more unhealthy and not at all more life threatening. Way to overstate: only the dehydration and electrolyte imbalances are deadly effects of purging (and could be partially mitigated by Gatorade, no?): the rest are tame compared to the cascade effects of obesity (apnea, renal failure, stroke, diabetes, heart failure, infertility, ...to name a few).

I'd hoped Faux-bulemia would be acceptable by the stranger.com community to spell incorrectly, since it's, you know, faux. However, thanks: correct spelling duly noted.

By the way, Dear GrammarCop:
Nice glass house you have there. The contraction for "It is" is spelled It's.

"Kettle, hi this is Pot: you're black!"

At least you spelled/used 'than' correctly.
Posted by Rev.Smith on October 17, 2009 at 3:42 AM · Report
77
Neojism, neologasm, "I created the word 'procrasturbation'" as a pickup line?? The responses to this column were more fun than the column!

On a serious note, as a large guy who has serious trouble LOSING weight, and a far easier time gaining, I disagree with the advice given. Consider, Dan, what your response would be if the dom wanted him to have his legs cut off or his nose removed. Would it be "well, if the sex is hot now, maybe you should consider it"? I doubt it. So, considering the health risks--even the minor ones--I'm calling "bad advice".
Posted by Jim L on October 17, 2009 at 9:58 AM · Report
78
"Its spelled "bulimia", can become incredibly addictive, and is significantly more unhealthy and life threatening than weight gain."

Does anyone not know that all the bulimics are FAT anyway? It doesn't work for weight control very well because it takes the brakes off consumption.
Posted by yonush18 on October 17, 2009 at 2:49 PM · Report
79
Wait...is sex with a vampire necrophilia?

Posted by Scarlet on October 17, 2009 at 2:49 PM · Report
80
I'm surprised Dan would support a word which places a negative slant on masturbation as a time wasting activity.

As for the zombie question, I was surprised to see Dan answer this. Because it will only encourage people to send in bogus questions, yet he still managed to answer it in a way that gave clarity and substance to his previous statements on bestiality and consent. So... a wise and intelligent answer to a silly question, in knowledge that many people love zombies.
Posted by Maria Sensible on October 17, 2009 at 5:47 PM · Report
81
gotta agree with rdm @37. the zombie letter was pure stupid, and if it hadn't been for the chance it provided you to "resist" poking fun at zac ephron you would have shit canned it.
Posted by ellarosa on October 17, 2009 at 8:25 PM · Report
82
"Even a zombified Zac Efron�I'm going to resist the obvious joke�would be too repulsive to fuck."

What's the obvious joke?
Posted by youyouyou on October 17, 2009 at 9:59 PM · Report
bishtraining.wordpress.com 83
My advice to FAT would be to get a convex mirror, the kind that you get in 'Hall of Mirrors' at fairgrounds and rubbish museums and the like. Then watch your man in the mirror eating some healthy snacks (I recommend carrot sticks and hummus) and imagine that he is getting very fat.

Posted by bishtraining.wordpress.com http://bishtraining.wordpress.com on October 18, 2009 at 1:28 PM · Report
bishtraining.wordpress.com 84
My advice to FAT would be to get a convex mirror, the kind that you get in 'Hall of Mirrors' at fairgrounds and rubbish museums and the like. Then watch your man in the mirror eating some healthy snacks (I recommend carrot sticks and hummus) and imagine that he is getting very fat.

Posted by bishtraining.wordpress.com http://bishtraining.wordpress.com on October 18, 2009 at 1:31 PM · Report
85
Having sex with a flesh-eating zombie gives a whole new meeting to the term "eating someone out."
Posted by Anna from Orlando on October 18, 2009 at 2:20 PM · Report
86
My advice to FAT would be to dump her current squeeze and get a fat boyfriend, if she prefers that body type. She might even be able to find one who likes to eat a lot of junk food (not all fat people do, in spite of all the assumptions that are being thrown around here).

Feederism is a dangerous fetish. It's a bad idea to f*ck around with someone's weight regulation system. It's not the weight gain that's the problem. It's the overfeeding itself. Look what happened to the guy who wrote/filmed "Fast Food Nation." He made himself must more unhealthy than someone with reasonable habits would be at his (heavier) weight.

A lot of fat people are healthy. People (whatever their size) who yo-yo diet or who eat huge quantities of junk food generally aren't. And, I'm pretty sure that barfing it up - as some people have suggested - would only make matters worse.
Posted by Dee on October 18, 2009 at 2:34 PM · Report
87
Thank you Digital Coyote for remembering the Fido scene. I was going to post about it, but then I saw your post, of course eventually he trainied her not to use the "teeth" and played with taking off her collar during BDSM scenes while she was tied up, so it was more than that. I'm sure there has got to be ways to keep your zombie "fresh". Perhaps talk to a mortician. You could always offer to "crack open a cold one" after work and get him to share some of his necrophilic secrets with someone who likes the "jello" version. Heh, Halloween is cumming up, so it's all in good fun!
Posted by Talyn on October 19, 2009 at 8:34 AM · Report
88
#76

Ah yes, I forgot an apostrophe. Good point calling me grammar cop when I was correcting bad spelling.

But you sure did sound smart in your comeback...so you win!!

I suggest you take up bulimia immediately and test your theory for yourself.
Posted by graffitipassion on October 19, 2009 at 1:00 PM · Report
89
Also, to #76:

An imbalance of electrolytes is not the only side effect of bulimia. This imbalance can actually kill someone who has purged immediately via a heart attack. Also, there can be a stomach rupture or the esophagus can rupture. These are immediately life threatening.

In the long run, there are consequences just as severe as you mentioned accompany obesity. These are:

Internal bleeding and infections
Loss of tooth enamel
Suicidal depression
Esophageal reflux
Anemia
Depletion of calcium
And the list goes on...

So, sure, it is "arguably" more dangerous than being fat...but ask almost any doctor and I assure you that the consequences mentioned above will kill somebody FAR before they should expire.
Posted by graffitipassion on October 19, 2009 at 2:00 PM · Report
90
@89, yeah, bulimia is terrible for you. But while throwing up can cause your stomach or esophagus to explode causing terrific mediastinal infection, or cause a life ending hypokalemic ventricular arrhythmia, we all know that's not common. You've thrown up, right? Me too. Here we still are. It's not different when you're bulimic. The consequences are largely due to the chronicity of it all.

And I think the mood "consequences" of bulimia are an impossible to sort out chicken and egg problem. You think perfectly happy people people eat 6000 calories of crap and puke it all up??
Posted by yonush18 on October 19, 2009 at 4:36 PM · Report
91
@79 It would be, technically. But it gets dicey as far as philosophy goes. Zombie's technically don't have souls, while a vampire's soul is trapped within his body, which is why impaling them kills them, and usually can't cross running water. Vampires are also capable of self awareness and thought, so you may be able to argue you're way out of looking like some kinda sexual deviant for screwing a vamp. . . lol then again maybe not.
Posted by Mythologically Inclined on October 19, 2009 at 6:18 PM · Report
92
I understand that there are many fetishes out there, but how on earth could someone get turned on by watching their partner gorge and get fat?
Posted by weird on October 19, 2009 at 9:43 PM · Report
93
Holy SHIT Batman, I LOVE this column!!! Dan the Man, you continue to ROCK!

Procrasturbation!! I love it!

Here's hoping Tim Eyesore gets hit in the SANTORUM and I-1033 loses, and Referendum 71 passes for equality for all!
Posted by wileEcoyote on October 19, 2009 at 10:38 PM · Report
94
"A zombie's sex life is actually pretty good for the first few weeks, but then it drops off."

http://twitter.com/serafinowicz/status/4…

Gotta love serafinowicz (comedian and voice of Darth Maul!)
Posted by redbeard on October 20, 2009 at 6:34 AM · Report
95
'procrasturbation'? I call that 'working from home'!
Posted by Val Kendal on October 20, 2009 at 10:50 AM · Report
Coggie 96
Dammit. Why are all the gay guys who are into feeding fat lovers all, like, gay, and shit?!
Posted by Coggie http://milkineggs.blogspot.com/ on October 20, 2009 at 6:54 PM · Report
97
I think. Dan, you are. Terribly funny. On top of being. A bit smart about things. Thanks!!!!
Posted by Silentkid on October 21, 2009 at 8:37 PM · Report
98
dude, procrasturbation!! omg now i can finally put a word on something i seem to always do!!
Posted by aklez on October 22, 2009 at 6:08 PM · Report
99
I've never considered the ethics of zombie sex before because, well, ew. But I guess you learn something new every day. I like the word procrasturbate a lot because I do that sometimes. I'll help put it into every day use.
Posted by Carmilla on October 24, 2009 at 1:50 AM · Report
100
Hmmm, as it's so close to "procrastinate", I'd say this "creator"'s use of the word is off. To procrastinate is to put something off that needs doing, not waste time. I'd say procrasturbation is more along the lines of "well, I'd like to date...but ya know, I'd have to find a club to go to, or take a shower to go out to the bar...and I could use some new clothes first....I think I"ll just stay home and procrasturbate instead!" :)

As for zombie sex, I don't think I could fuck anything that was rotting. What if his junk snapped off in your vag????? EWWWWWWWWWWWW. And some dude that wants to eat your brain isn't gonna make sure you get off before he does so! Doubtful that zombies are considerate lovers.
Posted by Snappher on October 24, 2009 at 7:27 PM · Report
101
I sure engage in a good deal of procrasturbation.
Posted by XiaoGui17 on October 29, 2009 at 11:59 PM · Report

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