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December 17, 2009

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I've been married four years and have a beautiful baby boy with my husband. I enjoy sex a lot, even a bit of BDSM. My husband, on the other hand, isn't "driven by sex," as he likes to put it, and will try tying me up if that's what I "really want." You'd think if he wasn't driven by sex, the few times we did have sex, he would last for a while, but he lasts at best five minutes. On the occasional blue moon, it'll be about 10 minutes. My problem is, all I can think about is getting fucked by some stranger with no strings attached so I can get rid of this heartbreak, for lack of a better word. But I always back out, because I don't want to risk my family or my husband's happiness. I don't want to be a cheater, Dan, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life having missed out on my "sexual prime" because my husband already experienced his. I should mention that he's 35 and I'm 23. I also have a few poly friends who are kinky, and they preach to me that being monogamous is a mistake and I can seek out kinky play with others without it being sexual. Please be as brutal as possible.

Permission 2 Explore Please

Before I get to your question, P2EP, a programming note: FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! I'm suffering from some sort of carpal-tunnel/repetitive-motion/too-much-beating-off injury, and it feels like my right arm is on fire. Every letter I type sends a blast of white-hot pain up my arm and into my head and FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST! Since I'm in a great deal of pain here, I thought it only appropriate that I give the column over to letters about BDSM. That way, someone—my kinkiest readers—can enjoy my suffering.

Okay, P2EP, you have my permission. Not to explore, as it's not in my power to grant you permission to do that. You have my permission to go and demand permission to explore from your lazy, selfish, inconsiderate husband. Renegotiate your deal. You have needs, they're not being met, and he doesn't seem interested in meeting them. Tell him that you will remain sexually exclusive—only his cock gets near your holes (for now)—but you want and need and demand permission to at least explore erotic-but-not-fully-sexual kink with others. Sell it to him as something that relieves him of the burden of having to do this stuff—kink—with you and/or feeling bad about not doing this stuff with you.

I'm a straight man, age 26. I was just dumped by a married couple. The wife was very sadistic, and the husband did not enjoy pain. When we got together, she would hurt me (TT, CBT, flogging) before fucking him. The wife asked if I wanted to play alone sometime, and I said yes. When she asked her husband and told him that she had already checked with me and I was willing, he said that I had violated our agreement. It isn't easy finding people into SM where we live—the Bible Belt of Canada—and playing alone was her idea, not mine. What do I do?

Dumped Up North

You move. The husband is blaming you because it's less consequential than blaming the wife. But he's clearly not comfortable—FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST!—having your black-and-blue ass around anymore, due to the wife's actions, and so you're out. Unfair, yes, but there's not a lot you can do about it. Besides move.

I am a 22-year-old bisexual male who goes to a small, prestigious liberal-arts college in the Midwest. I've had boyfriends, girlfriends, and one-night stands, but I have never really felt like sex worked out as well as I imagine it could. I have a dominant personality, and people tend to follow me. Perhaps for this reason, I have fetishized submission. I imagine I would be into bondage and domination. I think I am a bit more attracted to women and would love to find a woman who takes a strong, dominant role in our relationship. I feel like I am always expected to make the first move with women, which has led me to prefer hooking up with men. I just wonder if there is anything I could do to find a woman who'd be into dominating me.

I don't really like making the first move, but I've found just waiting and looking pretty doesn't work too well with women. Are there some ladies I could approach, and after the initial flirting, the dynamic would change and they would take the lead? How would I know who these people are?

Not Sure What I Want

There may be one or two young women kicking around your small, prestigious liberal-arts college who fantasize about taking the lead, about tying up and dominating their boyfriends, NSWIW, but they're not going to be tottering around campus in high-heeled boots and latex and leather. And even dominant women who are out tend to observe/succumb to the same cultural norms/practices that you find frustrating, i.e., they expect the male to make the first move, even in kinky environments.

But back to the young women you're likely to encounter at your prestigious college: A lot of women with naturally dominant and/or sadistic streaks—women who will one day really enjoy BDSM—don't realize it until that first submissive boyfriend draws it out of them. So if you want to get tied up, pegged, and bossed around while you're at college, NSWIW, you need to be paradoxically assertive about your submissive tendencies. You may have to ask four or five girls, or a dozen, before you hit the jackpot (before you ask a dominant girl), but you will have to take the lead.

I am a 24-year-old lesbian who has been out for five years. I am also hot, vain, in shape, and kinky as all hell. I suppose I'm what you'd call a "lipstick lesbian." In any event, I like being thrown around, tied up, gagged, etc. One of my all-time favorite fantasies is the lesbian equivalent of pegging, i.e., being done up the ass by a hot woman with a strap-on. I like the vanilla stuff as well—holding, kissing, cuddling, dyking it up—but what I'm really into is bondage. And my last girlfriend dumped me when I mentioned that I liked to be tied up. My question is, are there other young, kinky, sexaholic feminine lesbians/bisexual women out there? Am I a complete freak? Or am I just being a sexually selfish boor? Should I just try to let go of my kinks?

Domination Yearnings Keep Encounters Stimulating

P.S. Thank you so much for all the times you've emphasized that straight men who are into pegging are just that—straight. It helped me to accept that my own pegging fantasies don't make me any less a lesbian, because so much of their appeal comes from the fact that it would be a woman doing the pegging.

Only a small percentage of women are lesbians, DYKES, and an even smaller number of that already-small number are kinky. Your best strategy is to be out about your kinks from the start, so that you don't waste any more of your time and vanity-inducing hotness on women who won't tie your ass up.



Comments (184) RSS

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Sorry to hear it, Dan. Try finding someone who does ART- Active Release Technique- basically digs into your muscles and breaks up scar tissue that usually goes with repetitive motion. Can also be done with acupuncture. Just like all other muscle use, ya gotta stay hydrated and stretch those muscles!
Posted by S-Lo on December 15, 2009 at 5:06 PM · Report this
well i just had to comment since hey I might be first! whawhoo! Yeah P2EP's husband is a dud. While she's exploring she will be basically auditioning for a new man in her life. So she needs to tell her husband to put out or shut up and start packing.
Posted by rosecantina on December 15, 2009 at 5:18 PM · Report this
darn beat by 12 mins
Posted by rosecantina on December 15, 2009 at 5:19 PM · Report this
Every time you masturbate a kitten dies, Dan. A kitten dies.
Posted by might go blind too on December 15, 2009 at 6:19 PM · Report this
Hi Dan ~
You probably get so sick of hearing it, but I just have to tell you how much I look forward to your column that is filled with words of wisdom. You bravely sing out with head, heart and body...keep it up, Dan (no puns intended) - you're a true crusader and will someday go down in the books.
Lotsa Love to you and your loved ones ~
The Queen Of Quotes (
Posted by Queen Of Quotes on December 15, 2009 at 6:37 PM · Report this
Masturbation is worth dead kittens
Posted by Surprisingly Helpful on December 15, 2009 at 6:39 PM · Report this
Only a small percentage of women are lesbians, but a lot of women are bi--espeically kinky dominatrix types. Since DYKES is interested in both lesbians and bi-girls, I think you coulda been way more encouraging. If DYKES goes on FetLife, she'll find herself snapped up nom nom slurp. And duh, she shouldn't try to let go of her kinks.
Posted by Sera on December 15, 2009 at 7:09 PM · Report this
To P2EP: get some sexual play in there BEFORE he comes! 5 to 10 minutes is LAME!!

And if sexual play means so little to him, renegotiate monogomy!!
Posted by shelldavis4 on December 15, 2009 at 7:19 PM · Report this
I agree with 4 - her husband is a dud. If he isn't willing to put in the effort it takes to get her off, and she is able to support herself and her child, she should leave him. He is being sexually lazy and selfish, and it won't get better. Trust me.

I happen to be with a man just like that (only he is 4 years older, not 12). The difference is that we DO NOT have children together, and I happen to be unemployed and in school right now. If I could afford to leave him without worrying about leaving school and moving back in with my mom on her po-dunk farm, I'd leave him in a heartbeat. He changed his mind about having children with me 6 months ago due to a recently developed (within the past year) medical condition that zapped him of his energy, but even before that he had a low sex drive. I feel like he doesn't love me anymore (if ever), and that I've wasted 7 years of my life with him.

What do I do about this? Can any of you sloggers give me some constructive and helpful advice about what to do? Do I stick it out until I'm done with school? Do I leave him now anyway? Cheat? What is a girl with a high drive, currently between jobs, and still in college to do?
Posted by don't wanna disclose my name on December 15, 2009 at 7:20 PM · Report this
PS - Is it fair to impose a OPP (one pussy policy) if he has a low sex drive and little interest in sex, but you have a high drive and are very interested in sex and want to be non-monogamous?
Posted by DWDMN on December 15, 2009 at 7:23 PM · Report this
To DUN: Dude is acting like you already had alone time with the wife, not just agreed that you would be ok with it... it might be worth making sure he knows what really went down.... (knowing that you would only be ok with it if HE is ok with it might put a new perspective in his head) otherwise, he is just making an excuse to move on. If closure is what you want, go ahead and call him out on his assumptions.
Posted by shelldavis4 on December 15, 2009 at 7:25 PM · Report this
P2EP is Exhibit 925325325 in "why it's maybe not a great idea to get married at 19."
Posted by Stating the obvious on December 15, 2009 at 7:42 PM · Report this
You are a wh&%e. Literally. You are remaining in a relationship for money (housing is money). Using someone for money is never ok. It is his right not to "put out." It is also your right to give him an ultamatum, or just leave him. But if you stay with him for money, and cheat on him, then your a b&^!@.
Posted by nobody on December 15, 2009 at 7:47 PM · Report this
Dan, my ART guy has a 95% success rate with Carpal Tunnel/Repetitive Stress blablabla, usually after only one treatment. I was happy to see that your first commenter mentioned the ART. Go find one, keeping in mind that like all skilled professionals, the quality and expertise can vary...
Be well soon, and try using your non-dominant hand for typing, jerking off, brushing teeth and hair, etc. Helps alot.
Posted by ethicalslut on December 15, 2009 at 7:49 PM · Report this
O my Captain 15
Is there REALLY a Bible Belt in Canada? If so, where? This sounds like a put-on to me, Dan.
I'd REALLY like to know more about this region.
Posted by O my Captain on December 15, 2009 at 7:57 PM · Report this
@9 - your education is important, but I have to agree a bit with @13 - it's really unethical to stay in a relationship with someone you're not into just so they'll pay your bills. How did you get into this mess? Why are you so financially dependent on him to begin with?

At this point, I would say look into student loans and part-time work, and as soon as you can be financially independent and self-reliant again, go it on your own. But I don't... really understand how you could bear to be leaching on him up until now. It's one thing to be financially interdependent when you're married and you're both bringing certain skill sets to the table in order to create a life together; it's quite another to have one-sided, total financial dependence while you're in college. That doesn't seem self-respecting to me.
Posted by lymerae on December 15, 2009 at 8:18 PM · Report this
Regarding P2EP's letter... Pretty tenuous scenario to uphold, in terms of hubby, first of all, agreeing to her exploring kink with others, and, secondly, that the kink would remain "not fully sexual". It's fairly likely the kink will progress to full-on sex being part of the action. As #2 stated, she'll be basically auditioning for a new man to be in her life.
Posted by Kinky Girl on December 15, 2009 at 8:25 PM · Report this
I'm with DYKES on the p.s. i'm so glad that my wife understands that my desire to have her peg me doesn't make me gay.i just like ass play like that. it's what's in our heads and hearts that makes us what we are.
Posted by naked chilli on December 15, 2009 at 8:29 PM · Report this
Allyson 19
@ #9
As important as your education is, your self-respect matters more: I agree with #16 that your current situation does not seem self-respecting. The contempt you have for your partner will lead you to hate yourself for staying with him, even if you are doing so only for the sake of getting a degree.
So, since you asked for advice: get student aid. If you cannot get enough aid to move out, look for a job. Take the first job you can find that will enable you to move out--even if you have to live in a closet and eat ramen noodles. Switch to part-time status at school if necessary. Do *not* cheat: you are in no position to take the risk of being kicked out if you are caught.
Yes, this will all be difficult and painful, but in the end, it will be less painful than staying in a relationship with someone you do not love, or lust after, or respect. Good luck.
Posted by Allyson on December 15, 2009 at 8:39 PM · Report this
Indeed - DWTDMN - get the fuck out of that relationship. Move in with Mom drop out of school, get a job, take out loans ... whatever ... Apart from getting out, It honestly doesn't matter what happens.

You will be fine, you will recover and it'll all take about a year till you're actually feelin like you're, maybe, starting to have your shit together again. Or at least I figure that's how long it'll take... I'm only on month number 9 myself, but I'm really starting to feel like I'm getting there.

Finally... Where the fuck is this Canadian Bible belt?
Posted by Back Home Too on December 15, 2009 at 8:41 PM · Report this
behold the bible belt of canada:
Posted by MassTheDutchie on December 15, 2009 at 8:44 PM · Report this
13 - How does having my husband support me make me a whore? How is it any different than any other "home-maker" who just happens to dislike her husband?

I pull my weight around the house: I take care of all household chores, the dogs, my step-daughter, and pay for my own schooling through working temp jobs, but the temp work isn't regular enough to maintain financial independence. I know I asked for advice, and while I appreciate the fact that I asked and people answered (without knowing all the facts), your assumption of my being a whore is inaccurate. Just wanted to clear that up.
Posted by DWDMN on December 15, 2009 at 8:47 PM · Report this
@ 15, 20 - everything between Toronto and Vancouver.
Posted by UnoriginalAndrew on December 15, 2009 at 8:56 PM · Report this
Wait, there's bible thumpers in the Canada's maritimes provinces as well!
Posted by Kinky Girl on December 15, 2009 at 9:09 PM · Report this
fannerz 25
Hey DYKES, I am a bi-girl who is (relatively) feminine, in the classical sense, and would LOVE to tie you up and fuck you up the ass....

So long as you return the favour!!
Posted by fannerz on December 15, 2009 at 9:44 PM · Report this
fannerz 26

Alberta!!!!!! (I know because my family is from there)
Posted by fannerz on December 15, 2009 at 9:47 PM · Report this
When are people gonna learn that the bible is made up of a bunch of interpretations of "events" by a bunch of old, dead guys?
Posted by Nikki in MN on December 15, 2009 at 10:03 PM · Report this
Dan, DMSO (roll-on version) on absolutely clean skin rid me of carpel tunnel.

(It'll sting a bit on wet skin, if you apply right after washing up, but that's okay, as long as your skin is clean.)

You're not supposed to use it more than once a day, for three weeks at a time -- but whenever I've used DMSO for anything, it's cleared up whatever within a couple days.

Alternately: acupuncture.
Posted by judybrowni on December 15, 2009 at 10:21 PM · Report this
Can we please stop labeling people who have low sex drives as "lazy, inconsiderate, and selfish"? That idea is damaging and it's a one-sided perspective.

Dan, you're recategorizing P2EP's husband's low sex drive as a lack of care and concern for her needs. I wonder if you would likewise attribute her desire to go out and get kinky with other people as a lack of affection and respect for her husband. There's a double standard here.

While it's true the wife's needs are not being met, the husband has needs, too, which are not being met. When he desires to *not* have sex, he should be able to do as he wishes and *not* have sex. It is only half correct to say that everyone should have as much sex as they want, whenever and however they want it. The more inclusive point of view is that everyone deserves the right to have *as much sex as they desire*--even if the amount of sex they desire is little or none.

I have a very low sex drive and have come away quite emotionally damaged from relationships in which I was the lower-driven partner and felt I needed to force mysef to have sex when I didn't want to. I wasn't getting my needs met--my needs for physical affection and closeness that didn't involve sex--but since society told me that my needs were wrong and selfish, I ignored them.

It may help the husband to check out He should understand that it is no more his fault that he has a low sex drive than it is the wife's fault she has a high one, and he does not need to accept being made to feel guilty for the way he is.

Let me end by saying: Dan, I'm glad you celebrate and encourage P2EP to live her life the way she wants. I wish that you would give people like her husband the same encouragement.
Posted by ChicagoSparky on December 15, 2009 at 10:26 PM · Report this
Life long Albertan here... I live in the Bible belt do I?... That is news to me.
Posted by HenryDearHenry on December 15, 2009 at 10:59 PM · Report this
I'm kinky, bisexual, and feminine. Naturally speaking, I'm a sub, but all my relationships end up being with other subs, so I gave being a dom a try. I really have fun playing the dom now. My advice? We're out here! You'll just have to keep asking people about their kinks.

Though some may be too shy to admit to being a dom. No one I know would guess me to be one upon meeting me. So just make sure not to assume that someone who's into kink is going to act that way all the time.
Posted by Shy and Nervous on December 15, 2009 at 11:05 PM · Report this
@29 Marrying someone much younger is a deal with the devil. You get all the excitement of being the object of her youthful desires, but it is also your sole responsibility to satisfy her appetites. All of us who have done so are aware of the terms of the bargain. The dude isn't lazy and selfish as much as he is dishonest and a malingerer.
Posted by OldFogey on December 15, 2009 at 11:29 PM · Report this

He IS lazy and selfish in that he won't make the effort to pleasure his wife even when they do have sex. That's the main problem, not his low sex drive.
Posted by blah on December 16, 2009 at 12:15 AM · Report this
XiaoGui17 34
Unfortunately, it's become really politically incorrect in certain lesbian circles to enjoy strap-ons or BDSM because it's reminiscent of "patriarchy" and popular feminism is on the warpath against kink at the moment. Leaves a lot of unhappy, horny lesbians in its wake. :(
Posted by XiaoGui17 on December 16, 2009 at 1:13 AM · Report this
Dan you are in your mid 40s I believe, maybe you have begun anti-aging therapies such as HGH? If so, then it (or even testosterone shots), can cause CTS. I so, just back off on the injections for a week or two and the CPS should go away.
Posted by bagel on December 16, 2009 at 1:17 AM · Report this
There would be several regions in Canada which would qualify as bible belt country - but I think traditionally it would be my old area - Central Alberta, home of old time tent revivals in the 20s and 30s. Now, not so much, I'd say, but still pretty high church to person ratio.
Posted by bagel on December 16, 2009 at 1:39 AM · Report this
@28: Dimethyl sulfoxide (DMSO) is the chemical compound with the formula (CH3)2SO ... it has a distinctive property of penetrating the skin very readily, so that one can taste it soon after it comes into contact with the skin. Its taste has been described as oyster- or garlic-like. Other reported side effects include stomach upset, sensitivity to light, visual disturbances, and headache. Skin irritation can develop at the site where DMSO is applied topically.

Ugh, or maybe not.
Posted by anne on a mouse on December 16, 2009 at 1:44 AM · Report this
To DAN-- Find yourself a physical therapist who can teach you some "nerve flossing" exercises. Ten minutes a day and the pain will go away.

(I went through six months and many $$$s to learn that it's probably not carpal tunnel. If you ignore it, it will only get worse. I went from ignorable pain to not being able to hold a knife or a doorknob, much less type.)
Posted by katk on December 16, 2009 at 1:51 AM · Report this
I'm a chick with a really high sex drive, and I agree with ChicagoSparky all the way nonetheless.

NOT everyone can have a relationship that is perfect in every way. I think emotional needs are as important as sexual needs (for most people, anyhow) in determining the "success" of the relationship. Your column gives people the idea that they SHOULD be prioritizing sex above all else.

Surely you know, by now, that you are a real cultural influence. You not only reflect the realities of popular culture, but you really have the ability to influence young people's beliefs... I see it in my friends. So sometimes I think it would be nice if you could show more of a balanced, nuanced perspective, instead of just always going for pithy and to-the-point.
Posted by EC on December 16, 2009 at 2:23 AM · Report this
Dan, I read your column every week. Please, if not for your sake, for all of ours (and all the people you help get their shit together): if it hurts - at all - STOP TYPING.

If you type with the hand that has carpal tu nnel it will get MUCH WORSE VERY QUICKLY and will take ages to get better. If you rest it you may be able to use it again in a week or so. For now, you'll just have to type and wank with just your left hand, slow and frustrating as it is.

And see your doctor.
Posted by IanJ on December 16, 2009 at 2:53 AM · Report this
Carpal Tunnel is no excuse for crappy answers!
Turn your column over to trusted experts for the week and recover!!
That letter to the P2EP was crappy, and so was the one to DYKES.

P2EP wants to get fucked and will get fucked. Her husband needs to fuck her, invite a third, allow her permission to sleep with others AND WHY DIDN'T YOU QUESTION WHY SHE'S MARRIED AT 23??? 23 is WAY TOO YOUNG to miss out on sex! Jeez. Fail, Mr. Savage. Fail.
Don't you have some tech-savvy-at-risk youth to do your bitchwork like typing for you? Or some speech recognition software? come on now.
Posted by Caralain on December 16, 2009 at 3:43 AM · Report this
You're a whore.

"If I could afford to leave him without worrying about leaving school and moving back in with my mom on her po-dunk farm, I'd leave him in a heartbeat. "

Your main motivation for staying with your husband is the money. You can try and do revisionist history in other posts, but you're the worst type of person. You admit, up front, what you're all about because you're so callous that you don't realize how wrong you are. Then, when everyone calls you out on your bullshit, you try to pretend that's not what you *really* said. Try to fix it or break up with him.
Posted by greenterror on December 16, 2009 at 4:20 AM · Report this

Yeah, yeah. If your partner wants more sex, and it is just not your thing, no sweat. Give the partner permission to have another sexual partner(s) on the side, without any complaint by you. You both win! You get your affection, they get their sex. To paraphrase Mr. Savage, if sex is just not that important to you, but it is to your partner, surely you will not mind your partner doing that unimportant thing with someone else, right? I mean, your lack of interest and refusal to simply take a few minutes of your time to get off your more interested partner, could never be about, oh, CONTROLLING them, could it? Oh no, never that...


You said, "If I could afford to leave him without worrying about leaving school and moving back in with my mom on her po-dunk farm, I'd leave him in a heartbeat."

Um, perhaps whore is a bit strong. But you are a pretty unappealling person for staying in this situation without telling him what is going on. People like you are toxic. You are the stuff the relationship horror stories are made of.

"What do I do about this?" Move back in with your mom. Get some lousy jobs. Pay your own bills. Let this guy move on, and move on yourself. But you knew that was the right thing to do, you are just hoping people will say, "Oh, you poor wounded bird of life, do what you must to survive! Fly free, song bird, fly free!!!!"

You should get honest with him. And get out. Good luck. I understand that just because it is simply stated, that does not make it easy. Welcome to life.
Posted by Fly, nah, sack up on December 16, 2009 at 6:36 AM · Report this
@9 (DWDMN) Your comment in @10 shows that you are selfish and inconsiderate. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You don't get to have sex with many people, but expect your husband to remain monogamous and waiting. And if any other homemaker is staying with their husband just for the money, whore may be a harsh term, but the only other one I can think of is "gold digger." Do yourselves both a favor and leave him on honest terms. If you're truly living on your own, without financial assistance - that's why schools have financial aid programs and work study.
Posted by gold diggah on December 16, 2009 at 6:42 AM · Report this
"Give the partner permission to have another sexual partner(s) on the side, without any complaint by you. You both win! You get your affection, they get their sex"

What makes you think that person would get their affection if they let their partner have sex with someone else? Wouldn't a more sensible parallel suggestion be to say that the person who craves more affection than they're getting can go find THAT from someone else? Oh, but then if one person is getting their emotional needs met outside the relationship, and another is getting their sexual needs met outside the relationship, it kind of ceases to be a relationship, doesn't it?

Bottom line is the one who wants sex ouside a relationship but still wants to stay in that relationship, is emotionally satisfied. But the other person may not be, and that may even be part of the reason why they are not wanting to have more sex. Stuff gets tricky when two people who aren't terribly compatible get deeply attached to each other.

Oh also, this idea of looking for sex outside of relationship is also interesting because a lot of men AND women can't have sex without getting emotionally attached. I imagine a lot of people just don't have it together enough to make a scenario like that work out for long.
Posted by EC on December 16, 2009 at 7:09 AM · Report this
Dan, you need to become a dictator, at least until your hand heals up. Pain is not a trivial thing, and it can become a habit of your nerves if it goes on long enough. So grab unpaid intern and dictate, pretend you're Perry Mason and ze is Della.

I find Advil or Aleve also helps the healing process.
Posted by SpookyCats on December 16, 2009 at 7:40 AM · Report this
Wow, for a second, I thought P2EP might have been me. I'm a gay dude about her age, and my boyfriend is around her husband's age. Our sex is infrequent (but it is very good when it does happen), and even though he has verbally expressed interest in helping me explore my kinky side (he even used to be kinky himself) our sex remains pretty vanilla. He tells me he wants to tie me up one day when he's really horny... except he's never really horny. I really am not that interested in sleeping with other guys, but like P2EP, I don't want to feel robbed of these experiences in my sexual prime.
Posted by Locano on December 16, 2009 at 7:49 AM · Report this
a kitten dies??? I'm off to the bedroom to solve the unwanted kitten problem!
Posted by auntielarrie on December 16, 2009 at 7:51 AM · Report this
It sounds like you and your husband are not compatible anymore. At the very least, tell him how you're feeling and move out of the bedroom. Tell him it isn't working and ask him for a month to find a job and move out. You've been together quite awhile, and it sounds like you don't have much family around. If he's a decent guy, he'll give you a month to get a job and find a place to live. Worst case scenerio, you get a couple of crap jobs and have to take out loans for school and live on an air mattress on the floor of a tiny apartment. People have survived worse. Stop being a princess and start taking care of yourself. It's about personal responsibility. This guy is your husband, not your parent. He isn't obligated to take care of you and love you unconditionally.

Divorce is hard, and yes, you might be making a mistake, but if you aren't happy you really need to think: Is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? My guess is no. It isn't 1950 anymore, and you don't have kids with him. You sound relatively young. You'll be OK, and you'll find someone else. Time to step up and be an adult, princess.
Posted by Nikki in MN on December 16, 2009 at 7:53 AM · Report this
"What makes you think that person would get their affection if they let their partner have sex with someone else?"

Because relatively few letters show up complaining "(s)he doesn't hold my hand enough, tell me (s)he loves me enough, or cuddle enough." At least not relative to the number of "(s)he won't have sex with me" letters. That is because most people *will* without too much griping hold hands more often, tell people they love them more often and cuddle on the couch while watching television. If someone's partner told them that holding hands, saying I love you or cuddling was too much of an imposition, then it is a DTMFA situation, most likely.

But get real, okay: most partners will provide additional hand holding, cuddling, etc. when asked and without much complaint.

By contrast, however, too many low sex drive people seem to not want to similarly provide sexual release for their higher-drive partners, despite the fact that the partners would be really, really happy as a result. Rather, they put it back on the partners for being high sex drive and too demanding.

Given how much fun it is (or should be, in a healthy relationship) to watch a partner have an orgasm and get that stupid post-coital grin on their face, what would people rather do with their free time than take those few minutes to make their partner happy? Seriously. What is so important that you cannot take a few minutes to do that?

The low sex drive folks seem to think that doing such things for their partners is a burden, not a loving gesture to an important partner. That strikes me as someone who is using their partner's normal sex drive in a passive aggressive way.
Posted by Fly, nah, sack up on December 16, 2009 at 7:58 AM · Report this
As for dominant lesbians being out there, oh, I know there are. I was at a gay leather bar in Toronto this summer (the black eagle) and there were three lesbians into a hardcore spanking session there - admittedly, us men were a little put out. The dom was really beating the **** out of her sub, and the other woman was just watching and loving it!
Posted by topcub on December 16, 2009 at 8:00 AM · Report this
Fly free - this is a *SEX* column, not advice on how to get your emotional needs met.

Poly is only the answer when both partners are accepting of poly. The fact it solves one of the partners issues is not relevant.
Posted by UKGuy on December 16, 2009 at 9:05 AM · Report this
Dan, re the carpal tunnel, have you tried Dragon Naturally Speaking software, or any of the other dictation programs? They require some training to get used to your voice, but will relieve you of a lot of the typing and give your hands a rest. Probably not recommended for use in public places though, due to the nature of your column. You'll still have to type on planes and at the coffee shop.
Posted by kpao on December 16, 2009 at 9:17 AM · Report this
Dan, there's a software program called Dragon Naturally Speaking; it lets you speak your text into documents; I used it when I had shoulder surgery. It's a little glitchy sometimes, but works well enough.
Posted by Illinois on December 16, 2009 at 9:31 AM · Report this

I am also a lesbian into kink - I want to be tied up and dominated. After a very satisfying session with the new girlfriend who EXCELS at dominating, we had a conversation on why it's not demeaning for me to be fucked in my mouth by her because I wanted it. And she wanted it. And that makes it okay :D

Have I been judged by others for my kink? Yes. But, I'm also 30 and I don't care anymore. Fuck me in the ass, the mouth, and any other hole I deem necessary at the time. I am still a dyke!

Power to the kinky lesbians!
Posted by Kinky Bottom on December 16, 2009 at 9:32 AM · Report this
Damn, here I am a male with a "high" libido with a wife with a "low" libido. It appears from the boards there are a lot of ladies with the high sex drive and here I want what you have. Oh well, story of life (not just mine).
Posted by McLovin' IT! on December 16, 2009 at 9:39 AM · Report this
I don't recommend DMSO...not really at all. There is a reason why the MSDS for DMSO says to wear gloves at all times. As was mentioned above, DMSO penetrates the skin readily. Unfortunately, it is also a great solvent, so anything else that may be on the surface of your skin, or anything that has gotten into the DMSO container, will also go right through your skin, carried by the DMSO.
Posted by Nidularia on December 16, 2009 at 9:52 AM · Report this
You know, I am a male with a very high sex drive. I also love kink. I was married to a good looking woman with a high sex drive. However, I did not want to have sex with her because it sucked. We just did not click sexually. We seemed to like different things. I liked to kiss, she didn't. She liked to be on top to get off, but I did not enjoy HER on top as opposed to other women- always felt like she was going to break my dick. No matter how much we talked about improving it,it just didn't. She was frustrated with me not wanting to have sex and I was frustrated with not enjoying the sex. We got divorced. So not every non-sexual spouse does not enjoy sex. They might just not enjoy sex with who they are married to.
Posted by NoSexTonightDear on December 16, 2009 at 9:55 AM · Report this
I just want to let you know that there are women out there that can satisfy your needs. My girl "pegs" me anytime, every time. I think Dan is right, it's about being open and honest about your needs and desires upfront. If someone doesn't want to be with you after finding out what you like, then they've done you the favor by breaking it off, cause you don't want to be with someone that won't meet your needs and desires.
Good luck!
Posted by jojo99 on December 16, 2009 at 10:01 AM · Report this
P2EP -- (from the perspective of an age 35 woman with a high sex drive, a young child, and an age 36 husband) your husband isn't "past his sexual prime." He's only 35, for Christ's sake. Maybe there are medical or personal issues behind his low libido--not enough testosterone, a stressful job, weight gain (maybe yours), etc. Urge him to get those checked out. Having a baby can wreak havoc on the married sex life for all kinds of reasons. Was the sex always paltry? Or is it a new problem? Also, the info that you like being dominated and your husband is much older than you suggest to me that perhaps you are not communicating your needs forcefully enough. How often do you initiate sex? Did you get rejected a couple of times and quit trying? You owe it to your baby to sincerely try working this out with your husband, do you want him or her growing up without a dad so you can fulfill your spanking fantasies? BTW, Dan's advice is absurd and unworkable unless your husband is one of the tiny minority of men without a jealousy gene.
Posted by mommabear on December 16, 2009 at 10:18 AM · Report this

I think saying P2EP's husband is lazy, selfish and inconsiderate isn't entirely fair- we aren't getting both sides of the story, and it sounds like he's willing to try, he just isn't able to satisfy her for whatever reason. The situation could be very hard on him as well, and until we get his side just blaming him is too simplistic.

If he's particularly vanilla, I doubt any amount of trying would make him comfortable with kinks. I know a decent amount about BDSM and certainly know enough to know I couldn't satisfy a partner into it no matter how hard I tried.

She shouldn't have to go through life unsatisfied, but he also shouldn't be demonized for not being as into sex/kink as his wife.
Posted by Plain Vanilla on December 16, 2009 at 10:34 AM · Report this
There's plenty of gay women who are into strap-ons and light bondage; I'm not sure that this counts as all that kinky. (Maybe I'm just a freak.)

"Unfortunately, it's become really politically incorrect in certain lesbian circles to enjoy strap-ons or BDSM because it's reminiscent of "patriarchy" and popular feminism is on the warpath against kink at the moment. Leaves a lot of unhappy, horny lesbians in its wake. "

Do 24yos actually believe in the patriarchy? I have read about women who don't do penetration for that reason, but I've never met one, and I'm a lot older than 24. And a feminist.
Posted by CleverScreenName on December 16, 2009 at 10:35 AM · Report this
To add to what 53 & 54 said, Dragon Dictate (a version of Dragon Naturally Speaking) is available as a FREE iPhone app and is available on iTunes now.
Posted by DelmarvaDan on December 16, 2009 at 10:50 AM · Report this
@41: P2EP got has been married for four years, meaning she got married to a 31 year old when she was only 19. Seems too waay to young to be making a commitment to a man with a low sex drive who's 12 years your senior.
Posted by mixedup on December 16, 2009 at 12:04 PM · Report this
Dan--this book is on sale for just over $9 at Amazon and I have friends who swear swear swear by this guy.

"Pain Free at Your PC" by Pete Egoscue…

I've a friend who is a technical writer and suffered severe pain for two years, had to take a leave from work--was worried about her future employment. She had a whole series of different types of treatments. But she said after doing the simple exercises in this book her pain was gone totally gone two weeks. This author has a series of books dealing with pain and coincidentally,totally unrelated to one another, I've had other friends mention fantastic results.
Just passing the word along, as I've not the personal experience with this.But my writer friend is pretty damn bright (and left wing atheist), but talks like a miracle happened or something--she is so astounded. Might be worth a try for 9 bucks and doing some at simple stetch/alignment exercises you can do at home.
Posted by alion on December 16, 2009 at 12:12 PM · Report this
John Horstman 66
@16: Don't kid yourself; marriage has been about women swapping sex and domestic labor for total financial support (as well as the only way for men to be "assure" paternity) or political alliances (wealthy families and royalty) in most cultures since the beginning of "civilization". The idea of love and sexual fulfillment (particularly for women) in marriage is only a recent (last one to two hundred years) development in Western and (some) Eastern societies, although the serf classes typically had more freedom to pursue whatever partner they found emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Of course, the fact that societies have done something for thousands of years doesn't make it right (e.g. slavery), but what DWDMN is doing isn't particularly unusual, even if she is misleading her husband.

@9 (DWDMN): What you're doing IS unethical if you're misleading your husband into thinking you love him when you don't. However, it would be even more unethical to implicitly agree to monogamy in exchange for financial support (among other things) and then not honor that commitment. If you want the support, you need to live up to your end of the deal, though this isn't the healthiest option. Your best course here is to divorce your husband (with whom you should not have entered into a monogamous marriage given that your sex drive is much higher; too late now) and find someone or several someones with whom you're sexually compatible to fuck, date, and potentially marry and reproduce. You probably want to find a job before you leave, but you should stop taking his money for college; you can always take a few semesters off while you get the rest of your life together. Anyway, I agree that you qualify as a prostitute, but then I don't think sex work is "wrong" in any sense as long as you're up-front, and you should ignore everyone who says "you're the worst kind of person" etc. because, as I stated above, your situation is still extremely common. Our divorce rate here in the States is above 50% for a reason; your extreme detractors have an unrealistic idea of what marriage is and historically has been for the majority of people the world over.

On the other hand, many people manage to get along just fine without relying on others for all, the majority, or even any of their sexual needs/fulfillment; that's why god invented masturbation. If you can manage, and you want to stay in your marriage for whatever reason, buy yourself a good vibrator (of course if you want kids and he doesn't, that could well be a deal breaker). The question you need to ask is whether it's worth going the rest of your (or his) life without the partnered sexual fulfillment you desire.

@29: There's no double-standard; the husband wants to not have sex, and DWDMN isn't forcing him to do so. He's perfectly free to not have sex if she's having sex with other people; THE SEX THAT SHE'S HAVING DOESN'T HAVE TO BE WITH HER HUSBAND. The fact that people with low sex-drives expect to be able to meet their low-sex-drive needs AND prevent higher-sex-drive partners from meeting their own sexual needs is what makes them inconsiderate. If you have a low sex-drive and want a monogamous relationship, date and marry other people with low sex drives; don't use emotional abuse to coerce people with high sex-drives to not fuck as much as they want. It was wrong of your partners to coerce you to have sex you didn't want to be having; it's just as wrong to coerce a partner to not have sex s/he does want. The problem here is the presumption of monogamy.

"I wasn't getting my needs met--my needs for physical affection and closeness that didn't involve sex". This is what friends are for; if you want affection without sex, DON'T ENGAGE IN (exclusive) SEXUAL RELATIONSHIPS; especially don't pretend that you WANT a sexual relationship when you don't. Cultivate a group of close friends instead.

@39: I agree that emotional needs are at least as important as sexual needs for one to live a happy life. It is, however, a gross misconception to think that we can only meet our needs in either of these areas in partnered, exclusive sexual relationships. It's quite possible to live a happy life by meeting emotional needs through friends and sexual needs through one or several spouse(s), fuck-buddy(ies), partner(s), etc. There's no particular reason that the same person or people NEED to fulfill both of these simultaneously, although logistically, it tends to be easier.
Posted by John Horstman on December 16, 2009 at 12:17 PM · Report this
tjc 67
I always remember the line from lesbian comedian Lea DeLaria:
"It's not that I don't like penises. I just don't like them on men."

So if you want to get pegged, go for it!
Posted by tjc on December 16, 2009 at 12:25 PM · Report this
Neptune 68
Someone probably already said this, but it sounds like you have tendinitis, Dan!
Posted by Neptune on December 16, 2009 at 12:32 PM · Report this
I'm not sure what's more boring: these whiny self-indulgent letters, or Dan's whiny self-indulgent carpal tunnel kvetching. I am, however, excited to be #69 here, so as my grandma used to say, thank God for small miracles!
Posted by wayne on December 16, 2009 at 1:25 PM · Report this
lewlew 70
Every time you eat a hamburger, a cow dies.
Posted by lewlew on December 16, 2009 at 2:04 PM · Report this

I'm just such a woman -- bisexual, feminine, beautiful, young, and into bondage and biting. We're out there. Good luck!
Posted by legs on December 16, 2009 at 2:14 PM · Report this
My husband is perfectly fine in bed. And I mean fine in the blandest sense possible. Five minutes at best, little to no foreplay, and a jaw that seems to get tired after ten minutes. But, he's kind and generous and a great provider, father, confidant, shoulder to lean on, and all around best friend. I know it seems like he couldn't be generous without being equally giving in bed but he is. He just believes somehow, no matter how many people tell him otherwise, that the women in porn are accurate representations of the female arousal cycle and that all the one night stands who told him they came and that he was great were speaking the unabridged truth. But you know what? I'm happy, and still faithful and monogamous after years with him. I come regularly (in just about every shower) and I love my husband. There's no reason to let sex become the defining factor in your marriage. A single factor, yes, but not the defining one.

You can make it out to be about his selfishness or his unwillingness to communicate or whatever but at the end of the day, if you divorce a guy for being unenthusiastic about tying you up, you're choosing a kink over your husband. And there is the option to make a sacrifice and choose your husband over your kink. After all, he does tie you up, he just doesn't get excited by it. And judging him for being too quick is just as bad as when men judge women for "taking too long." If his human cock tires too soon, hand him a dildo and tell him to finish you off that way.
Posted by charlie on December 16, 2009 at 2:26 PM · Report this
DYKES here - first off, thanks so much for answering my question, Dan! I've been hesitant to bring up my kinks early into a relationship; I'll definitely keep the advice in mind in the future.

Also, thanks to the commenters for all the supplemental advice given in the comments. Something which Dan had to edit out of my letter for space is that I'm more than happy taking on the dominant role sometimes, but I'm primarily submissive. But hey, I'm flexible.

And of course I believe in the patriarchy. But I also believe that, as an young woman, I shouldn't let concerns over the admittedly sad state of gender relations in this country make me afraid to pursue my sexual desires/needs. Isn't that, after all, just allowing yourself to be subjected to patriarchal norms? What could be more feminist than claiming the right to enjoy taking it up the ass without having a man involved?
Posted by DYKES on December 16, 2009 at 2:27 PM · Report this
Breklor 74
Re. DUN: I don't know which "Bible Belt of Canada" he lives in, but I live near one (Abbotsford), and it seems like half the kinksters I know are coming in to Vancouver from there. He should check the Internet before packing up house.
Posted by Breklor on December 16, 2009 at 2:41 PM · Report this
Dan, walk away from the mouse. And the keyboard. mmmm, jack off with your left hand. And ice, for crying out loud, ICE. And when you come back, use BIG, ARM and SHOULDER movements to move your mouse... not tiny, wimpy, wrist movements. Sending advice right back atcha, Savage.
Posted by dorcas on December 16, 2009 at 2:48 PM · Report this
Hey Dan,

I promise I'm not shilling, or anything, but as someone who just came down with repetitive strain, you might find using Workrave helps - open source thing that sits on the PC and reminds you to take a break from using the keyboard. links through to it.

(If I'm honest, I mostly ignore it, but at least it's a reminder I shouldn't type for six hours solid)
Posted by Quatermass on December 16, 2009 at 3:27 PM · Report this

Another dyke here. Most of my queer women friends are kinky, so I wonder where the hell you're living that you're having a hard time finding another kinky woman.

Did you bring up how hot you were at the beginning of your email to demonstrate that it should be easy for you to find dates, or that you're picky about them? From what I've found, kinky dykes tend to fall into the "alternative" category, and not everyone is going to be fit like you.

Don't overlook your fellow femmes as sex partners! I find a femme, most other femmes prefer butch/androgynous/gender-queer or some other iteration of queer masculinity in their partners. Gender and sexual identity doesn't correlate to sexual preferences - basically butch does not equal top. Femme cock may be your way to go.

Oh, and I say this all as one hot (and curvy) femme dyke who would tie you up, slap you around, and fuck your ass in a moments notice.

We're out here!
Posted by femme cock on December 16, 2009 at 3:43 PM · Report this
On the mousing side, I've eliminated pain by switching to a rollerball. I use a Logitech Cordless Optical Trackman. It has a big ball that I move with the third and fourth fingers of my right hand. There are buttons for my thumb and pinky, and a wheel under my index finger for scrolling.

For the keyboard issues, speech-to-text software sounds like a good solution. Aren't you the editor of The Stranger? So you prolly have an office, and can shut the door as you "write."
Posted by Rolling the Big Ball on December 16, 2009 at 3:49 PM · Report this
Sorry to hear about the carpal tunnel. That really is a bitch, and not any any good way.

My ex at one point went to using voice activated software when his carpal tunnel got too bad. That's my busybody 2 cents worth.

Get better, If you need to take a break from blogging, or need to get someone to pay for someone to transcribe tapes to blog & column you have my support (for what it's worth).

Posted by Enzymer on December 16, 2009 at 4:00 PM · Report this

It seems that you stress looking "hot" a lot, both on your end and on your partners. I do think that being attracted to your partner or potential partner is important, and everyone has standards and/or a type when it comes to looks, but it seems to me that since you are so "vain" and in your own eyes so very good looking, you may be shooting yourself in the foot by focusing too much on looks, and you may not be considering a lot of people because in your own mind you are so hot that only someone equally perfect will do you justice. An older male friend of mine was lamenting the fact hat while he loves his much younger (almost 20 years) girlfriend and is glad he can land young hotties, he wishes that he could find an older woman who is just as "hot" because he could have more relatable conversations and a more mature partner.

I think if you got to know a person who may not immediately strike you as the pinnacle of hot-ness, you may find that they begin to look more and more beautiful to you as you see who they really are, especially if they are willing to fuck you in the ass all kinky-like.
Posted by openminedmama on December 16, 2009 at 4:34 PM · Report this
@9/10/22 While I do see the logic behind it, I think that those calling you a whore were off the mark. Most arrangements that are optimal while together don't work when you're separating and it is difficult to undo seven years of entanglements.

However, I don't think the harshness leveled at you should be considered undeserved. The guy developed a medical condition and now you want out. You wrote you'd leave your drained husband in a heartbeat if it just wouldn't inconvenience you so much. Apparently, that is who you are.

Remember that one time when you pledged eternal love and fidelity to each other, in sickness and in health?

Look, marriages fail. The problem here is that you don't get to decide your husband doesn't love you and perhaps never did, just so that you can feel good about leaving him under these circumstances. If you want or need out, fine, but the way you're justifying it here makes you look like a self-serving bitch.

I acknowledge that you did write that you don't have kids together, but after seven years, you might also want to consider breaking up with your step-daughter amicably.
Posted by Whore with a heart of gold on December 16, 2009 at 4:46 PM · Report this
I Hate Screen Names 82
I've never understood why low-libido partners don't just put out for their partners.

I've been on both sides of that relationship divide. When I was the high-sex partner, I felt constantly rejected by my girlfriend, who would apparently rather watch TV than be with me. After all, when you reject your partner's advances, you're effectively telling them "I'd rather do what I'm currently doing than have sex with you." Being continuously informed that you rank below some goddamn sitcom rerun does not build positive self-esteem.

Now that I'm the low-sex partner (in a different relationship), I try to make sure my girlfriend does not ever feel that way. So even on days that I'm tired, stressed, distracted, whatever, I just use my hands, mouth, etc. to get her off. And sometimes, I discover I now *am* in the mood, and my dick joins the party. Either way, she's taken care of.

I look at it this way: I'm willing to rub her back if she tells me her back is sore. Why shouldn't I be willing to rub her clit if she tells me she needs an orgasm?
Posted by I Hate Screen Names on December 16, 2009 at 5:01 PM · Report this
women hit their sexual peak at 30 lol, so you're not really out of the woods. And what's with the age thing? I've met 20 year old guys who can't keep up with me...sexual interest (or lack thereof) is not age related.

I know my parts didn't dry up at 30 :S
Posted by oldhagapparently on December 16, 2009 at 5:18 PM · Report this
Dexter 84
P2EP: How about counseling? Is there any chance that these sexual hangups are manifestations of other issues which might be addressed and managed with the help of a professional, thereby allowing for some solution which doesn't involve the dissolution of an otherwise happy relationship?

Find a sex-poz therapist before you throw everything at the wall and hope something sticks.
Posted by Dexter on December 16, 2009 at 5:26 PM · Report this
I hate to break it to all of you, but your personal sexual fulfillment isn't the most important thing in the world, or your life. And if you get married and have a baby, you are committing to put that child's needs before your own -- especially your own sexual fulfillment. If you were prevented from ever eating ice cream again, and in order to eat it you had to tear apart your child's secure world, you ought to damn well deal with not eating ice cream. And if your sexual fulfillment is so central to your human existence that lack of it is destroying you, then you're a shallow, pathetic, selfish person.
Posted by Sagamore on December 16, 2009 at 5:34 PM · Report this
I wonder why this chick's husband doesn't feel like sleeping with her. All I hear is her calling him an old guy who is "past his prime" and trying to describe herself as a nubile young slut to anyone who will listen.

Maybe he's already cheating on her with a more nubile, younger slut, how do we know? And apparently, we are not supposed to care.

You should really stop encouraging people to cheat. Maybe you should let your boyfriend do the writing when these "give me permission to cheat" letters come around.

And frankly, some real advice from an older person who happens to have married someone "way too young" for me....grow up, dumbass! I don't hear him saying anything about me being "old", "past my sexual prime", or any of the other nasty implications nubile slut is making....although I do hear him complaining that I should slow down and let him catch up once in a while....(he's laughing as I write this, cuz he knows it's true). Sex drive has nothing to do with age...I unfortunately know that my parents were having sex well into their sixties, when he finally died (I can only assume of extreme happiness). My mother's husband was fifteen years older than her.

Maybe you're just not that attractive to him. With an attitude like that, I can't see you being very attractive to anyone in a relationship. (hubby is nodding enthusiastically)
Posted by justcuzudontwanttoseeitdoesntmeanidontdoit on December 16, 2009 at 5:40 PM · Report this
As hubby of justcuzudontwanttoseeitdoesntmeanidontdoit, I have to say that I agree wholeheartedly. You shouldn't be advising people to ends up being hurtful to both parties because, speaking as someone who has been cheated on and has cheated on someone in the past, no matter what you do you are going to get hurt. If you're cheating on someone, you feel ashamed of yourself because you can only justify it for so long before you realize you have no real reason to be doing it. If you're being cheated on, well, I guess it's pretty obvious.

I used to appreciate the advice in this it's just you telling a bunch of people they should cheat on their wives, girlfriends, husbands... it makes me wonder if you're not just using this as a way to justify your own desire to cheat.

Not everyone feels the same way.
Posted by thehubby:) on December 16, 2009 at 5:45 PM · Report this
I Hate Screen Names 88
@85: "If you were prevented from ever eating ice cream again..."

Nice use of the passive voice there. But it isn't some almighty, impersonal force preventing you from eating "ice cream"; it's your allegedly loving spouse. And eating ice cream does not have any impact on your child's secure world, but your spouse's reaction to that consumption may.

If one spouse really really likes ice cream, and the other spouse doesn't care for it, then the decent thing for the ice-cream hating spouse to do is let his or her partner find other people to eat ice cream with.

Let me guess: ice cream is trivial and sexual monogamy is really really important? Then don't trivialize a high sex drive by comparing it to eating ice cream. That metaphor cuts both ways.
Posted by I Hate Screen Names on December 16, 2009 at 5:50 PM · Report this
why do these people wait so long to discover/admit that they're TOTALLY not sexually compatible? Aggghhh!!!

Also...35 is suddenly old? You lose your sex drive? Christ, my boyfriend is 4 years away from 35. NOOOO. I really think all this "sexual prime" stuff is bullshit, unless you're 80.

@29, I agree, it does suck being the person who doesn't want to perform. Though I don't have a low sex drive, there were/are times when the last thing I want to do is give my bf a blowjob, due to depression, fatigue, stress. I usually suck it up and get him off, but there have been a few times I've said no. I feel guilty, but I'm not quite sure the guilt should be there...

@21, hahahah!

Posted by hai on December 16, 2009 at 6:23 PM · Report this
#9 What woyuld you call a sexually unsatisfied man who would leave his wife 'in a heartbeat' if he wasn't financially dependant on her?!? A sponge, a parrasite, leach? How about invertebrate?
Posted by timbeecharmer on December 16, 2009 at 6:33 PM · Report this
If I wasn't totally happy in my relationship with my bf, I would totally ask you out. You fucking ROCK!!! Your comments continue to provide me giggles and today's are no different. In your honor, I bring back the pain I was under when I had Carpal Tunnel Syndrome as I type this response FUCKOUCHDAMNCHRIST

Keep up the AMAZING work :)
Posted by AiYahh on December 16, 2009 at 6:46 PM · Report this
"Because relatively few letters show up complaining "(s)he doesn't hold my hand enough, tell me (s)he loves me enough, or cuddle enough." At least not relative to the number of "(s)he won't have sex with me" letters. That is because most people *will* without too much griping hold hands more often, tell people they love them more often and cuddle on the couch while watching television. If someone's partner told them that holding hands, saying I love you or cuddling was too much of an imposition, then it is a DTMFA situation, most likely.

But get real, okay: most partners will provide additional hand holding, cuddling, etc. when asked and without much complaint."

Umm, yeah. This is a sex column. And also, on one level you're wrong, because a lot of people DO have trouble getting the affection they want from their partner. If you have to ask for it EVERY time, instead of it being voluntary, it doesn't help much. My mother I know feels this way.

"By contrast, however, too many low sex drive people seem to not want to similarly provide sexual release for their higher-drive partners, despite the fact that the partners would be really, really happy as a result. Rather, they put it back on the partners for being high sex drive and too demanding.

Given how much fun it is (or should be, in a healthy relationship) to watch a partner have an orgasm and get that stupid post-coital grin on their face, what would people rather do with their free time than take those few minutes to make their partner happy? Seriously. What is so important that you cannot take a few minutes to do that? "

You speak as though someone who has never been pressured into doing something that made you uncomfortable, sexually. Overall, giving someone a hug because you felt pressured does not have the same negative psychological ramifications as having sex because you felt pressured. That may be in part because of how much importance and weird values our culture attaches to sex, but none of us are living outside of that. For some people, having sex when they're not feeling enthusiastic can make them feel really cheap -having a partner who'd WANT that can make them feel really cheap and underappreciated. Different people have different ideas of what an ideal sexual relationship should look like.

I have a high sex drive, but I also don't feel awful when I have to go without it for extended periods, because I was never raised to believe that I should expect or deserve sex whenever I want it. Your body craves sex the way it craves food, but you don't physically suffer without sex the way you suffer without food.

And if I'm simply going to be a pragmatist, all of the people who are sexually unsatisfied could leave their partners and go look for someone else, and A) not all of them would manage to find someone they were more sexually compatible with and B) the ones that did may find themselves less emotionally satisfied than they were in their previous relationship.

It's the one-size-fits-all answers that bother me, and IMO make this column not a whole lot more intelligent than Cosmo

"The low sex drive folks seem to think that doing such things for their partners is a burden, not a loving gesture to an important partner. That strikes me as someone who is using their partner's normal sex drive in a passive aggressive way. "

There is no "normal" sex drive. It varies widely from individual to individual. Second of all, I don't follow your logic in the least. Sex is better when both people want it. If only one person wants it, then the other person forcing themselves to put out can breed resentment over time, in either partners. (I for one can say that when I had sex with a guy and then later was given reason to suspect that wasn't really what he wanted, I felt deeply embarassed and hurt.) Again, this comes down to different people holding different ideals when it comes to the interactions of emotions and sex in sexual relationships.
Posted by EC on December 16, 2009 at 7:30 PM · Report this
saxfanatic 93
@1 and @14: I agree!
Posted by saxfanatic on December 16, 2009 at 7:44 PM · Report this
Hey Dan. You really should try speech recognition software. I work with a guy who uses speech recognition software almost exclusively when he writes (he and I are both technical writers--FUCK OUCH DAMN IT CHRIST). I think he uses Dragon Naturally Speaking.

I mean, you gotta save yourself for the beating off, right?
Posted by dmorton on December 16, 2009 at 7:52 PM · Report this
I must must MUST re-emphasize the call for Dragon NaturallySpeaking. You've gotta be patient with training it, and you've got to remember to correct entire utterances instead of single words, but it is fantastic.

I'd advise you to splurge for the Professional version, though. Not only will it allow you to create macros and scripts to automate repetitive tasks, but you're going to need to do some create scripting to get Dragon to adapt to your particular professional vocabulary.

Out of the box, Dragon doesn't acknowledge naughty words. How puritan.
Posted by Speech computing or bust! on December 16, 2009 at 8:12 PM · Report this
@ 4

Oh fuck off, masturbation is not a sin and kittens are killed for other reasons by people.... NOT BY MASTURBATION. Don't be a dumbass... seriously. That really peeved me off.
Posted by atheism on December 16, 2009 at 8:22 PM · Report this
Do you happen to go to a small, prestigious liberal arts college in a lovely little town called Oberlin?

Whether you do or not, I know that as a straight girl here at a Small Prestigious Liberal Arts School, romantic or sexual play outside of hooking up or being in a serious long-term relationship can be really difficult. I can and have been relatively forward, but it's also not really reasonable to assume that anyone at my college is straight; hence, I tend to not make a move unless there's some signal that it's a wanted move. Not sure that helps, but perhaps it's nice to know that kinky straight girls in college do exist - it just might take some looking, and some talking.
Posted by skittle on December 16, 2009 at 8:59 PM · Report this
DWDMN: High sex drive and you need money? All those stupid "your a whore" flames aside, have you thought about becoming a call girl? Two birds with one stone...
Posted by Diva on December 16, 2009 at 9:05 PM · Report this
Toasterhedgehog 99
Isn't premature ejaculation a medical problem that can be fixed?
Posted by Toasterhedgehog on December 16, 2009 at 9:38 PM · Report this
NSWIW and Anyone Else Into Kink at Prestigious Midwestern Liberal Arts Colleges: I went to college at a small, prestigious, Midwestern liberal arts college -- oh hell, I went to Oberlin -- and when I was there, they tried to start a BDSM club. The faculty senate shot it down, but this was in the late 90s, so perhaps they've relaxed since then. Best of luck to NSWIW, and if you're at Oberlin, check the archives (e.g. Google "Oberlin BDSM club") and read up on the glorious history of BDSM club failure, and then see if you can get a charter for the "BDSM 2009 Club." Succeed where my compatriots failed!
Posted by oberlin_alumnus on December 16, 2009 at 10:38 PM · Report this
#96: You are a moron. Do you know what "sarcasm" is? Or "irony"? Or "a joke"?
Posted by Jeez Louise on December 16, 2009 at 11:51 PM · Report this
i hate canada. and canadians. with exceptions. smarmy contrary dickheads with an America complex.
Posted by shoobop on December 17, 2009 at 12:39 AM · Report this
I dont call it pegged, I call it getting fucked in the ass. but whatever, there's lots of kinky lezzies and bi girlz out here, keep looking! sometimes you have to help bring it out in them. and be willing to switch it up, top, try new things, maybe go out with someone who isn't so very good looking on the outside, but an amazing fuck. big cities and the internet help, we're out there. I've been a kinky dyke for 25 years and "some find me attractive".....
Posted by colocha on December 17, 2009 at 2:30 AM · Report this
FYI, truly dominant women do not play shrinking violet when it comes to taking the initiative with men, sexually or otherwise. That's BS, cultural expectations who CARES? If I want to do something to a guy I'll tell him. If he wants to, fine. If he doesn't fine. If he has a problem with me being dominant then he hits the road. I can't and won't live with any man who can't respect my dominant side. I can be nice, sure, but I can also be sweet and nasty if I need to be and I don't care if my partner knows it. If I am sleeping with him he already knows I can be a kink in bed and probably likes it. If he doesn't then he's not with me for long. Enough said on THAT.

As for your little problem?

3 magic lil words...

Voice type program. They do work these days, but you'll need a decent headset. Save the hands for what's really important, grin, and skip the typing already! You don't need to be able to type anymore to write! Technology is a beautiful thing!

Posted by Itsa on December 17, 2009 at 3:05 AM · Report this
tinuviel 105
justcuzudontwanttoseeitdoesntmeanidontdoit and hubby;

Dan isn't advising this woman to cheat - he's advising her to NEGOTIATE. There's a big difference between saying 'sure - sneak around behind his back and hope he doesn't catch you', which is how you seem to be reading the advice, and 'ask him if you can reach a compromise that will allow you to explore your kinky aspects without guilt-tripping him into playing games he's not into.'

It's not exactly cheating if you have permission, you know?
Posted by tinuviel on December 17, 2009 at 4:08 AM · Report this
NSIW and skittle... If it is Oberlin, I went there 20 years ago and didn't find many hot males. Would've been a great place to be a dyke, but I'm not.

I'd never even heard of BDSM in the 1980s, but yes, Oberlin needs a BDSM club, and maybe a Winter Term project. Bwahaha.

@9 who's bored in prairie country. Labeling you as a "whore" for not wanting to support yourself is a bit harsh, but I've supported myself for 25 years and was always terrified I'd end up w/someone that I couldn't leave for monetary reasons. Hence an obsession with employment. That way if I was with someone, I'd know that it was because I WANTED to be, not because I HAD to be. (Now I view this thinking as naive and unrealistic, even though I still follow it.) It's scary to break with tradition, but I wouldn't have done it any other way.

For all bored women with lackluster lovers, in this column and elsewhere. Have we considered medical issues such as depression, diabetes, heart problems, etc?

Having been in the position myself of having less libido than a partner, I can tell you that feeling pressured to put out on demand (and to "enjoy" it myself!) is a sex killer! Fear of further angering a chronically frustrated partner is NOT erotic. But, the fear is your problem, not your partner's. Once a relationship fell into this spiral, I could never get it back to where it had started... but that's my problem. Probably from dating too many 20 year olds in my 20s. A lot of men nowadays are more sophisticated and they can actually get past this problem by accepting what the other partner needs and then negotiating kindly but also firmly for their own needs. That kindness is so essential when asking for more sex from a (female?) partner.

For Dan's carpal tunnel, how about getting an "intern" who's willing to take dictation for you as part of a "service"? Get a slave for a month, heal your hands, and then take the other advice here about Dragons dictating and the other books. Maybe your intern can help set up Dragon and help you train the software.

Hah... if I weren't employed, I'd volunteer to sleep on your floor for a month, and get up to take dictation whenever you wanted, even at a bar. That would motivate you to heal since after a month you'd likely be weary of having a slave in your face or underfoot pretty much all the time. But Dan would probably prefer a guy.
Posted by hazmat on December 17, 2009 at 7:50 AM · Report this
@85, You're absolutely right. Leaving someone, or breaking the expectation of monogamy your partner walked into the marriage with, because you're unwilling to become solely responsible for your own orgasm and somehow feel that your own happiness in having others do it for you trumps your partner's happiness in not being fucked around on, is a shitty thing to do. You get married for better OR WORSE. The fact that this is one of those worse parts doesn't invalidate the promise you made. And if you're such a selfish prick that your child's security and happiness rank below you getting off then I pity whoever happened to marry you as well as your kid(s). But be honest about it when asked. When your kid says "Why did you divorce my dad?" at least say "Because my orgasm trumped all else and the ability to have kinky sex on demand was worth the fact that you now come from a broken home and split holidays between your parents." Be honest. Don't say it was about personality clashes or age differences or intimacy and communication problems. Say that you were sexually selfish and refused to compromise or buy a vibrator and that's why you gave your child relationship issues for life. Because trust me, you will. I have never met a child of divorced parents with much faith in the ability to make a relationship last.
Posted by charlie on December 17, 2009 at 8:06 AM · Report this
@99: There are ways to help improve it. Jacking off before the main event helps quite a bit.

I don't understand why some women complain about it, I actually love it when a guy comes quickly. I know logically it's just their biology, but I feel super sexy and like I'm a superstar in bed when guys come right away. As long as they don't roll over and go to bed and help me to get off as well, it's really an awesome thing.
Posted by RWgirl on December 17, 2009 at 8:37 AM · Report this
in regards to DYKES, i'm a feminine bisexual girl dating a lesbian and we are both into tying up, anal play, dom/sub fun, etc. and my past gf also got into it when i started sharing some of my fantasies with her. so don't let your past gf make you think that there's not more ladies like you out there! some women/people are close-minded unfortunately, but many people are into the same things, and many other people will get into it once you propose it and ease them into it. so go for it!
Posted by frostee on December 17, 2009 at 8:49 AM · Report this

The people who want to call you a whore or a gold digger won't be talked out of it, but I wanted to let you know not everyone agrees. I think if you're pulling your weight around the house and treating him with kindness and respect, there's nothing so terrible about hanging on a little longer until it's more advantageous for you to leave. You didn't marry him for his money, did you? You just found yourself out of love but kind of stuck. If divorce is inevitable, putting it off a while doesn't really change anything. Just be good to him now and generous with the settlement.

I don't think I can agree with cheating, though. Maybe get yourself a vibrator and some porn. There's LOTS of time for good sex later.

At the same time, if you're really unhappy in this situation now and want out as quickly as possible, then go. Don't let worries about money or education make you miserable. It'll all work out. Bottom line -- as long as you're not wildly deceiving him and are conscious of his needs, I think it's okay to do what you think is best for yourself.
Posted by Call me a whore, too. I don't care. on December 17, 2009 at 9:08 AM · Report this
luvzhappyboy 111
Dan... R.I.C.E: Rest, Ice, Compression, Elevation. Mostly, get a compression wrap and wear it night and day. Plus take Ibuprofen for the inflammation. It's either that or surgery. Good luck!
Posted by luvzhappyboy on December 17, 2009 at 9:44 AM · Report this
tinuviel 112
Perhaps if people were encouraged to do what Dan so often advises us to do, and got out of mixed-libido relationships early on, before issues like co-finances and kids had reared their heads - the people like you wouldn't be insisting that getting out of a physcially unsatisfactory marriage made you into a bad person.

Because you sound an awful lot like the people who looked down their noses at me when I left a year-old realtionship because he went from once a week to 'not this month, honey, I have a headache'. Unless you've been there, you can have no idea how it hurts and confuses you, being constantly rejected by the partner who had told you he loved you, that you were beautiful, that he wanted you. You begin to doubt everything about yourself, and then question everything he's ever told you.

If we were able to agknowledge that a sexual mis-match was a serious issue, then we would have fewer couples in these situations, realising that every year it gets harder to leave. You can say that it's not important enough to break up a family with kids, but let me tell you, growing up with married-but-estranged parents, I wished every year from the age of 11 that they would divorce.

You can't dismiss another's pain as trivial. And sexual rejection is very, very painful. I think it is particularly so for women, because we tend to assume our partner's lack of sex-drive is because they are no longer attracted to US, whereas most men I've spoken to on the issue are more likely to recognise that it's more to do with their partner. Still a very difficult situation to be in.

Yes, sometimes sex is that important. Not just for itself, but also as a diagnostic tool that alerts our attention to the other weaknesses in the relationship. If your partner doesn't see you as attractive, then you can't help wondering if they perhaps also don't see you as funny, or clever, or any of the other qualities thet used to praise you for. If they won't stop watching re-runs on TV to snuggle, then you can see that you don't place a high priority on spending time with you. And if they won't touch you, then you're really just a flatmate, aren't you?
Posted by tinuviel on December 17, 2009 at 9:51 AM · Report this
Switch from a mouse to a trackball, and get an ergonomic keyboard. I got the kind with the thumb roller and my carpal problems went away within a couple weeks.
Posted by sfguy on December 17, 2009 at 10:01 AM · Report this
I Hate Screen Names 114
@9: I think the whole "whore" attack mislabels the real problem with staying with your husband until you graduate: that you would be conning him. You wouldn't be a whore; you'd be a fraud.

There's nothing wrong with taking money into consideration. Suppose you decide to stay with him, and that part of your reason for doing so is that he's a good provider. I doubt anyone would label you a "whore" for that.

Now suppose you make a straight-up whore play: you tell him that you're planning on leaving him once you graduate, but that you'll continue to perform your wifely duties if he continues to support you. Say he agrees to that. Then I don't think anyone (here) would have a problem with two consenting adults entering into a mutually beneficial arrangement.

The problem is that you aren't being up-front about your motivations to your husband. He's investing in your marriage, your education, and you with the expectation of future rewards: a dual income house, companionship, etc. Letting him think he's building something with you-- when you're planning on taking the money/degree and running-- is a huge con job. You aren't a prostitute; you're Madoff.

For the people that can't see why staying with him until graduation is a problem, try switching the sexes of the parties. Say you've got a husband who has two years left on his medical residency, and decides that he no longer loves his wife. However, she's currently working some crappy job to help cover their expenses, and they're living in a house that they rent from her parents (at below market rates, natch). He really doesn't want to move out of their house, find his own place, pay his own bills, do his own laundry, etc., so he decides to just stick with it until he gets out and starts making some real money. Then he can kick her to the curb. Also, since he's no longer feeling sexually fulfilled in their marriage, he may have casual sex with some cute nurses on the side.

Do you see the problem now?
Posted by I Hate Screen Names on December 17, 2009 at 11:01 AM · Report this
@66, 110, 81

Thank you, guys. I appreciate the constructive advice. I haven't been (and don't plan on) cheating on my husband; it was a thought I threw out there at the end of my post.

As an aside (though some won't believe me, but I don't care), like I said before, I'm not relying on him to pay for college. I saved up when I was working and paid for tuition, books, school supplies. I've got savings, but not enough to move out.

As anyone who has been through it knows, disentangling your life from someone you've been with for the better part of a decade because you have grown apart is not easy. I can't simply "leave and move out" because there isn't just me to think about. I am not a heartless "whore" as some have called me, though I can see where someone might get that. I do love my husband, but it isn't working anymore.

The children issue is a dealbreaker for me, and when that's added to the lack of physical and emotional intimacy (I could go on, but why bother?), it adds up to just knowing that we were right for each other when we got married (at 22 and 26), but we aren't now. I still love him, and I love my step-daughter, and I want to do this right to cause the least amount of hurt to her as possible. (She really is a great kid, which may be part of the reason I want more)

The reason I want to be more independent when the divorce does happen is so I don't have to ask for spousal support. It will be easier to separate our lives if, once we are apart, there's no further issues between us.

I know I took vows to love, honor, and cherish in good times and bad, better or for worse, etc., and that was not a lie when I said it. I am a kind, compassionate, and maybe a bit selfish person, but a gold digger is someone who only marries someone for his money. He didn't have a whole lot of money when I met / married him. I didn't marry him because he made enough money to support our small family on just his income. I married him because I loved the person he was: funny, smart, good dad, good friend. As anyone can tell you, when you're satisfied with your sex life, it's not a big deal. But when it's lacking, sex is a huge factor. Sex isn't the only reason I want out, but it feels big because it isn't there anymore.

Anyway, thanks for all the advice (good and harsh). It's given me a lot to think about and shown me that it's not the end of the world if things don't go according to plan. Thanks.
Posted by DWDMN on December 17, 2009 at 11:38 AM · Report this
I couldn't agree more about P2EP. Reminds me of my first wife with whom I had a child. Right after her double mastectomy she started giving me this "lowered sex drive" , "didn't feel as attractive" garbage and about how she didn't feel so sexy anymore or whatever. I kept telling her that if she sucks me off I wouldn't have to look at her there so no prob. I coerced her into a bj or two for a week but she said she couldn't take it. I said curbside to that mesa chest!
Posted by O.Ops on December 17, 2009 at 11:42 AM · Report this
Wow, 112 kinda nailed it down, didn't she? When your husband stops looking at you like he wants you (even though you haven't gained weight or gotten less attractive), stops initiating sex, stops holding your hand when you're out together, stops kissing you goodbye in the morning, and STARTS the whole "not in the mood" cycle that brings your sex life from 4 or 5 times a week to 2 or 3 times a month (if that), and when it does happen, you've initiated it and it's more perfunctory than hot, it's time to call it quits.

At that point, you're roommates who just so happen to share a bed.
Posted by DWDMN on December 17, 2009 at 11:59 AM · Report this
I'm not really sure why there is an assumption that the male in the relationship started off satisfying her, and then "started" to have a lower sex drive/deny her BDSM/prematurely ejaculate. Nowhere in her letter did she say anything in the area of "he used to satisfy me completely, but now it's meh".

If we accept that it's the choice of a man/woman who stays with an Honest Non-Monogamous Dude to accept his/her non-monogamy, isn't it only fair that we also say "if she got married to an older man who wasn't as 'sexually driven', nor as kinky, she chose to accept that". It has to depend on whether they were honest at the beginning. I can envision a scenario where she was dishonest about being okay with a lower-sex-drive man, rather than the man being dishonest about his sex drive.

If she married him, in full knowledge of his lack of sex drive, then she doesn't get to call foul now. She made her bed, literally, and gets to sleep in it. If he was an honest, monogamous, low-sex-drive man, and she said "that's fine by me", she's in the same boat as a woman who says "he's told me he has a higher sex drive than me, and wants to be non-monogamous, but I'll marry him anyway". The latter has to abide by the non-monogamy, the former has to abide by the monogamy and low-sex-drive.

If nothing changed over the course of their relationship, she's agreed to be monogamous to him, and doesn't have the right to expect any more sexual activity or kinkiness than way present before they got married.

Otherwise we're all being a bunch of hypocrites.
Posted by Seldon2639 on December 17, 2009 at 12:22 PM · Report this
By the way, as an addendum, can we cease the argument that if someone has a lower sex drive they should be completely okay with non-monogamy? Level of monogamy, and level of libido are not inherently linked.

One can be a high-sex-drive monogamous person, one can be a low-sex-drive monogamous person, one can be a high-sex-drive non-monogamous person, one can be a low-sex-drive non-monogamous person. Even if I have a low sex drive, it doesn't mean I don't consider sexuality to be a defining part of a relationship. Hell, chances are I consider it even more special, since I don't do it that often. Ironically, the people who put less importance in sex are the ones likely to want enough sex that their partners don't need to be non-monogamous.

If I'm monogamous, and honest about my monogamy, my partner is agreeing to be monogamous (in the same way that if I'm non-monogamous and honest about it, my partner is agreeing to accept that). The difference, admittedly, is that monogamy (or, rather, monoamory) must be a two-way street. It's less necessarily about me not wanting to cheat, as it is about me not wanting to be cheated on.

You'd never suggest that an honest non-monogamous person simply accept monogamy to make the marriage work, and make his/her partner comfortable, but you're essentially suggesting that a monogamous person be forced to do the selfsame thing. Asking someone to change their stance on monogamy is the same thing, whether the change is from "yes" to "no" or from "no" to "yes".

Until you start telling non-monogamous partners that they need to rein in their desires to make their partners happy, stop saying "if you don't care about sex, just let your partner sleep around". Not having as much desire for sex isn't the same thing as not caring about it.

If my girlfriend cheated on me, or demanded that I allow her to sleep/fool around with with other men or women, I'd say no. Her demand that I allow her to be non-monogamous is no different from me taking someone who is non-monogamous and demanding that she be with me and only me.
Posted by Seldon2639 on December 17, 2009 at 12:50 PM · Report this
@112, the @107's whole point is that there is a child from the relationship. If P2EP didn't have a baby with this guy, I would be the first to say cut him loose and better luck next time. But there is a small person involved. How do you think that kid will feel when suddenly they only see dad once or twice a month? How rejected, worthless, unappealing do you think that child will feel? Someone who is not old enough to understand the reasons why somebody they relied on is suddenly not around anymore. In fact, take your whole post, remove the sexual element from it, and apply it to the small child involved. Does the situation look any differently now?

If you are willing to create a human with someone, you owe it to that human to try your damnedest to resolve your issues with your partner. And when it comes down to it, married folks compromise over sex ALL THE TIME. In fact, the better a couple is at reaching workable compromises, the longer they will be happily married. It is quite possible to moderate your appetites and still have a satisfying sex life. P2EP can always get a vibrator and indulge every one of her kinks in the well-furnished and gorgeously peopled lands of her imagination. Nobody there has bad breath, diseases, or comes too quickly, and she can visit as often as she likes.
Posted by mommabear on December 17, 2009 at 12:50 PM · Report this
Dan - cortisone shots in addition to physical therapy and accupuncture.

To P2EP - your husband should definitely have his testosterone checked. Surprisingly in my mid 30s, I lost my sex drive and energy. Turns out my testosterone was well below normal. Now I use a gel which has everything closer to normal and my sex drive and energy has returned. Would I prefer not to have to pick up testosterone gel at the pharmacy- you bet your kinky ass, but the alternative was a pretty miserable one. Get your husband in to the doc.
Posted by NJ Joe on December 17, 2009 at 1:04 PM · Report this
I'm working under the assumption that P2EP was unaware of her interest in kink and ramping-up libido until recently. The fact of the matter is, when she was 19, she could have had a well-matched libido to his. The fact that she has discovered her interest in kink and her libido has gotten higher as she has aged into a young adult woman and fully sexual being just means that she has changed while her partner has stayed relatively the same. It is unfortunate that she didn't discover that she and her husband are no longer well-matched sexually for each other until after they had their son. I'm sure she loves him, but that may not be enough.

As Dan says frequently, there is no settling down without settling for, but 24 is very young to be shackling herself to a man who doesn't satisfy her for the next 70 years.

As far as their son is concerned, he will be fine. Plenty of parents split up when their children are too young to remember mom and dad when they were together. It doesn't have to be a "only see one parent every other weekend". If they split amicably, the kid won't be affected. It is far worse and damaging for a kid to be stuck in a home with parents who openly don't love each other and will not divorce "for the sake of the child". Split when he's young, and he will be OK. The younger the better.
Posted by Nikki in MN on December 17, 2009 at 1:11 PM · Report this

I understand your point. I can even agree with the idea that she not shackle herself in an unsatisfactory marriage, but try to think about the reversed situation.

If this had been an honest non-monogamous woman complaining that her husband had "discovered" that he no longer had a high-enough libido for her, and that he didn't want her sleeping with anyone else, there would be a hue and cry to DTMFA.

If she began from the stance that she was okay with his low-libido and complete monogamy, there's no more right to "change" and expect him to abide by it than if he had been the one to change and expect her to abide by it.

I'm fine with saying "divorce, move on", but we can't really be trying to justify her unilaterally deciding that the sexual relations (which were once fine, and which she entered into the marriage agreeing to continue in perpetuity) are no longer okay, and that she thus gets to demand either more sex/kink, or to be allowed to cheat.

If they had began as a higher-sex-drive couple, and he went through changes to become less libidinous, would you really be okay with him saying "now we get less sex, and we're strictly monogamous now"? If not, what right does she have to demand either more sex, or for them to be non-monogamous?
Posted by Seldon2639 on December 17, 2009 at 1:19 PM · Report this
sorry to hear this dan... but I think suzie can help... suzie cocktail, that is. she pretty much has an answer for ANYTHING... unique? yes.
Posted by Joe Rowland on December 17, 2009 at 1:37 PM · Report this
Not sure which "bible belt of Canada" DUN is from, since at least half the country calls itself that, but go on fetlife, or one of the other similar sites, and you will find every part of Canada, bible belt or not, represented. It is very likely you have a local community, but are just too afraid of being "outed" as kinky to approach it.
Posted by Saskatchewan on December 17, 2009 at 1:40 PM · Report this
Southern Alberta is the buckle of the bible belt. Cardston AB has the second largest lds temple in North America...... and families with 10+ kids as far as the eye can see.
Posted by Lushpuppie on December 17, 2009 at 2:23 PM · Report this
Dan, get a shot of cortisone right into the hand - helps A LOT when it's the first time you've experienced this pain. Secondly, if you can, get an ergonomic keyboard - the keyboard is divided into two halves, takes day or two to get used to it, but it alleviates the pain 95% (I know, because I spend 10 hours a day at a PC and had the pain you are having - since I got the cortisone and the keyboard, NO PAIN.

Your answers were great - jeez, how many times can you repeat the same advice to the same type of letter?!
Posted by TooncesD on December 17, 2009 at 3:11 PM · Report this
tinuviel 128
You don't seem to be reading my comments in the spirit they were written.

Firstly, in the case of P2EP, I am not necessarily advocating a break-up, nor suggesting that she run off and cheat willy-nilly. What I actually said was 'Dan isn't advising this woman to cheat - he's advising her to NEGOTIATE.'

Negotiation can lead to many outcomes, but what it does first and foremost, is alert her partner to the fact that this is a serious issue that will not go away if he ignores it. By going to him and saying 'I have needs that are not being met, and it in important to me to have some degree of sexual fulfillment', she places the ball in his court. He might choose, if he wishes their relationship to remain monogamous, to step up his own efforts to a degree, rather than outsourcing the kink. I don't think it's putting him in an unfair position for her to ask, however.

So it's not a matter of her saying 'screw the relationship, forget the kid, I'm off chasing orgasms'. But the other point I touched on is that the lack of sexual compatibility is, for some couples, merely a symptom of deeper rot. This was certainly the case with my own family, and as I mentioned, I believe that all three of us would have been happier if my parents had agreed to part ways when it was financially viable (which it was by the time I was 10).

Having two parents who are married to each other is not a guarantee of a happy childhood or stable adulthood. I'm not saying that this is P2EP's situation, but the husband's casting himself as her moral superior (which is how his comment 'I'm not sexually driven' reads to me) surely isn't a healthy sign.

But if the relationship is to have a chance of success, I think they do need to have this conversation. Guilt and resentment are not happy bedfellows, and certainly aren't very good at parenting.

Oh, and if you can gain the physical excitement and emotional satisfaction of a good shag from your vibrator, I wish you'd tell me which brand you have!
Posted by tinuviel on December 17, 2009 at 4:51 PM · Report this
What a bunch of pathetic fuckwads. Perhaps if you all weren't so fucking dick/pussy driven you might actually be able to focus a bit on living your life in a harmonic state.
But, this being the new America, one dominated by 20 something shitheads who can't think past their next jerkoff session, we employ a pseudo psychologist like "Dr. Dan" to tell 'em hell yes, indulge your constant cravings, embrace the churn of desire, never say no, never look within. Wonderful. Shove the fucker in your mouth and pull the fucking trigger already you muggy cunts.
Posted by MyMommyNeverLovedMe on December 17, 2009 at 5:01 PM · Report this
oooh, somebody didn't get any today, did they 129?
Posted by red-headed cubs fan wife on December 17, 2009 at 6:33 PM · Report this
@23: Spoken like someone who's never set foot outside of Toronto or Vancouver.

@102: That's okay - we don't like you either.
Posted by Electric Maenad on December 17, 2009 at 7:45 PM · Report this
@9- Let me get this straight. Your bf of 6 years comes down with a medical condition that saps his energy and sex drive, but still manages to support your mooching butt even while you disrespect him? And your first thought is weather or not YOU should dump HIM? Sounds like HE should be DingTMFA, not you.
Relationships are not about pleasure 100% of the time, ferchrissake. Sometimes we have to TAKE CARE of our partners and shoulder the weight.
Posted by a thought on December 17, 2009 at 8:33 PM · Report this
I don't know where that last hot dyke is - but if she's in the neighborhood, I'd fuck her in the ass at a moment's time. HOTTTTT!!!
(Mind you, I'm pretty fat, however it sounds like this Lady don't care.....she just has an itch in the ass....!!0
Posted by DutchButch on December 17, 2009 at 9:18 PM · Report this
P2EP, you have a baby and "all you can think about" is kinky sex and worrying about "missing" your sexual prime? I'm sorry, but you shouldn't have had a child because you still ARE one. Your sexual wishes are not THAT important, that they trump the creation of a safe and stable family for your son. Being a mature parent means putting your child's well being before your own, especially when it's something as transitory and essentially meaningless as kink. You need to work with your husband, deal with the fact that married monogamy can be a bit dull sexually, but has rewards that are much more valuable and fight your obvious tendancy towards immature selfishness - for your son's sake. And be careful - while you're obsessing on cheating on your husband, he might just get sick of trying to run a life with a spoiled child and spock himself out an actual adult life partner.
Posted by GG1000 on December 17, 2009 at 9:55 PM · Report this
Hey # 15 - there is definitely a Bible Belt - it's called the province of Alberta. Stay far far away from it - I fled that place!!
Posted by Cap'n Ranty on December 17, 2009 at 10:04 PM · Report this
@119, you rock. That comment made my night. Near-constant depression leaves me with a low sex drive--I'm happy with once or twice a month, to be honest, though there are the occasional nights of 3 or 4 times sprinkled throughout. Some people here are making the assumption that if a person doesn't want to have sex, they aren't attracted to their partner and don't touch them, look at them, compliment them. On the contrary, I am a very cuddly person, to the point where a few of my ex-girlfriends have called me clingy. I love to be close, hold hands, compliment, kiss. I can't believe there are people against PDAs. But thanks to a personality disorder, I have trouble maintaining a mood conducive to lovemaking. Even were I to pop a few Viagra, I wouldn't be comfortable mentally and it would just be going through the motions. I try, but there just isn't a lot of drive there to be had.

The idea that all my partners should seek sex elsewhere horrifies me. What is interesting is that I am naturally polyamorous, and every relationship I have had, I have had to agree to be monogamous. It is easy for me to fall in love with another person while still being every bit as crazy about the person beforehand. If my partner was so unhappy, I would prefer they leave and even make up the worst lie ever to not tell me the truth. The more insecure I feel about my ability to perform, the lower my drive to do so. If I were in love with a person who told me that I did not cut it and they wanted to look elsewhere while still keeping me as their emotional crutch, I would (besides being furious) be extremely hurt. I agree to monogamy because I believe the person on the other side of the relationship is worth not hurting. I would hope to receive the same consideration.
Posted by lowmanonthetotempole on December 18, 2009 at 12:53 AM · Report this
Dazza @ Oz 137
Dan - reading all these suggestions for your wrist made me realise my mother knows a great old-time recipe:

Take a spoon-ful of cement and harden the f*ck up!!!!!!

Just joshin - wishing you and your wrist all the best - maybe there's a gyno you can go see to get it attended to, since it's one of your sex organs?
Posted by Dazza @ Oz on December 18, 2009 at 4:03 AM · Report this
@15, DWDMN,

The reason people are calling you a whore is that in marriage there is an understanding that any economic support is in the context of a loving relationship. If you really don't love your husband, then it's not right to take his money. However...

It's possible that deep down you do still love your husband, but you are not being at all understanding of his medical condition. He's SICK! How would you like it if you got sick and all your husband did was complain about your sex life going downhill? Why don't you focus on emotionally supporting him through his illness, making sure he stays on top of the doctors and does what he can to recover, and THEN worry about your sex life together? A temporary period of abstinence is not going to kill you. In the meantime, you can focus on trying to build the emotional bond that obviously you once had but is now suffering. You do that by spending time together and meeting each other's needs. Obviously since he's sick your sexual needs will have to wait, but just remind yourself that it's temporary.

And it wouldn't hurt for you to educate yourself about his illness so you won't be so insensitive and selfish.
Posted by Diagoras on December 18, 2009 at 7:26 AM · Report this
as for permission to explore in the letter,

Why not just train your husband better? Tell him you require both foreplay and afterplay. Ask him to use a toy on you. Intercourse is not the end-all, be-all and as long as he gets you off, who cares if intercourse itself only lasts 10, 5 or even 2 minutes? Give him a chance before you give up and turn to other men.
Posted by Diagoras on December 18, 2009 at 7:31 AM · Report this
Reality check time people. P2EP has left out critical information about herself, her situation and her husband, no surprise really. First what is her financial situation? Does she have a job? Has she ever had a full time job and had to support herself? Is her husband the sole support for the family? What does he do for a living? How many hours does he work per day and week? Are the hours voluntary or mandatory? How much job related stress is he under? Is his job in jeopardy? Are they in danger of losing their home? What kind of commute to work does he have and how stressful is it? Does she know or even care? Fatigue and stress can adversely affect a person’s desire for and ability for sex. Sleep can become a much higher priority than sex for people his age. She was 19 when she married. Does she have any idea what it means to have a full time job and be responsible for a wife and baby? How much added stress has the baby added to their lives? Wake up people we’re in a recession. The husband may well have worries far more serious than the frequency and quality of sex. Without such information I wouldn’t even presume to give her advice, much less cavalierly suggest divorce. They may well be headed for divorce due to sexual incompatibility, but she had better carefully consider what her life as a single mother would be like. Can she support herself and her son without her husband? Does she have any job skills, experience, or education? Remember the age at which she married. Don’t assume that the husband will either be willing or able to provide support. Will she have to move in with relatives and is that even possible? How long did she know her husband before they got married and why? What was a man 12 years her senior doing dating a teenager? There must have been huge differences in the amount of life experiences given her age when they met. If she does pursue divorce she had either refrain or be extremely discrete about her kink until the divorce and custody issues are settled. Kinky sex could well cost her the custody of her son. For those of you who think kinky sex doesn’t come with a potentially huge cost, remember that kinky sex by the first and much favored republican candidate is what got the President elected to the Senate. He effectively ran an uncontested campaign and mainly got the nomination because the other democrats didn’t want to run in what was generally considered to be a lost cause.

Until quite recently marriage was about economics, not love for most people. In the current recession economics is again more important than love or sex for a lot of people.
Posted by a skeptic and a cynic on December 18, 2009 at 7:47 AM · Report this
DYKES, I'm another kinky feminine lesbian who has a difficult time finding "cool" partners. Totally get you.
Posted by gingerbread on December 18, 2009 at 8:41 AM · Report this
Great advice to NSWIW. I graduated from a prestigious liberal arts college in the midwest myself. While there were plenty of exceptions, lots of the girls arrived there having been smart, ambitious high schoolers who were categorically ignored by the opposite sex. Add in a lifetime of socialization towards passivity, and, well, good luck. We all need time and encouragement to become the best dom/sub/etc we can be; it doesn't happen over night.
Posted by curly on December 18, 2009 at 9:10 AM · Report this
hahahahha I'd like to clear up that i dont think 30 is the "sexual prime".. i said he missed his sexual prime because that's what HE HAS TOLD ME. his own words people. not everyone continues to love sex into their 60's.

yes, he is willing to try kink, but he also says that people that are kinky "have something wrong with them" or "had something bad happen in their lives". im not going to force him to be kinky with me so that i can have this desire met.

also, yes, in terms of sex "all i can think about is" getting satisfied other places.

i love my husband, i love my baby. that's not in question here.

this was a letter about sex, to get advice about sex. forgive me if i don't include a full history of how much i care for my child and how much i love my husband lmao.

p.s. yes im young =) and my husband and i dont plan on getting divorced anytime soon.
Posted by P2EP on December 18, 2009 at 9:52 AM · Report this
@140 we both have jobs. 40 hours a week each. we don't have a mortgage or a car payment. aside from the sex we have a very strong marriage. he's very supportive of me, we spend lots of time together.

he make more money than i do, but i could successfully support myself and my child by myself. so no, im not some fucking clueless "still 19 year old" who sits at home thinking money just magically appears in our checking account.

dont assume that every young woman who has a high sex drive is some fat, ignorant, money leeching fool or some variation of that.

you sound like youre speaking from experience... your own PERSONAL experience. turns out, our lives arent at all the same =)
Posted by P2EP on December 18, 2009 at 10:06 AM · Report this
Thank you for the additional information. My post really wasn’t directed to you, I’m sorry if you thought it was. I was just pissed off at those people criticizing your husband as lazy and insensitive without having a complete understanding of your situation. Still don’t know what is really going on in your husband’s head. If he really understood the seriousness of the situation he should be willing to be more flexible, at least I would be. Giving advice without knowing all the facts is extremely dangerous since as you point out people are likely to base their advice on their own biases and experiences. People pushing there own agendas as you know if you read Savage Love on a regular basis. As to me I’ve been married for 28 years, never been divorced, have no desire to be and would do just about anything to avoid it, became a father for the first time at 36 and can still vividly remember what it was like getting up in the middle of the night with an extremely fussy baby so that my wife could get a decent night’s sleep. My sex drive was and is probably stronger than your husband’s, but there were days when I came home from work so exhausted that all I wanted to do was sleep. Exhaustion and a disrupted sleep cycle can really devastate a person’s sex drive, not that any of this is necessarily relevant to your situation. I still don’t have enough information to give you advice beyond talk to your husband openly and honestly about your unhappiness and if necessary seek professional counseling. Please don’t make decisions based on advice from the peanut gallery. I do know that over time your interest in kinky sex may decline or not. I personally don’t have a problem with kinky sex although some kinds are a turn off, but to each there own kink. This is not meant as a criticism of you, but 19 seems an awfully young age to make a lifetime commitment. As you have found out, what you want now (at least sexually) is different from what you wanted at 19 and may continue to change over time. Lastly you seem like a loving, caring person who is truly committed to her husband and child. I wish you and your family well and hope you can successfully resolve your issues.

P.S. Having suffered for years from undiagnosed depression, you might want to have your husband checked out. It could explain his unresponsiveness to your needs.
Posted by a skeptic and a cynic on December 18, 2009 at 12:38 PM · Report this
P2EP - a thought, how are you expressing your desires to your husband..? I know from experience that how someone 'sells' an idea to their partner can strongly influence how the partner feels about that desire. Case in point, me and anal sex, 1st boyfriend just pestered for it, (and tried to cajole , blackmail and basically force me into it, which I doubt you do) without trying to 'sell' it to me as a way i could find pleasure, so naturally, when i eventually tried it it was horrible and I never wanted to do it again. My current boyfriend 'sold' me the fantasy, he never pushed, but through dirty talk, fantasies over email and baby steps in bed in that direction (a stroke, then a finger then a tongue and so on) I came to share the fantasy, to see how i could enjoy it as much as him and finally my lust overcame my fear and previous bad experience and now I'm frequently the one who asks him for it! The same went the other way for spanking which i was curious about and he was initially more reticent.. After a long period of discussing fantasising and teasing he finally took me over his knee and I loved it and he loved how horny it made me.. :0) You may never convert your hubby into a full on kinkster, but you might, by laying off the pressure and just drip feeding him a few of your tamer fantasies at appropriate moments you might find he's more receptive than you'd thought. Also, have you asked him about his fantasies..? even the most vanilla of people will have one or 2 and being receptive to his may help too. And get him checked over healthwise and mental healthwise if possible, as mentioned before, nothing kills passion like ill health or depression/mental illness...
Posted by UK girlie on December 18, 2009 at 1:34 PM · Report this
Toast 147
As a girl who has been walked on the end of a leash, I think subs all have the same problem;
Shortage of Doms.

The ratio of Doms to subs might be close to the ratio of gay to straight.
But the good part for straights and gays is gays seek other gays, straights seek other straights.
So goody for them.

Subs need Doms and the only way for there to be enough, sometimes the sub has to put on the latex and swing the whip.

Yes, I am sometimes a Dom, when I'm ordered to be.
Posted by Toast on December 18, 2009 at 2:15 PM · Report this
Vampireseal 148
@29 It's possible the guy is asexual, but he's still inconsiderate if he does not explore options for his girlfriend to have the sex life that she craves.

I'm asexual myself, so you aren't going to see me hooking up with any straight or gay people that need more sex in their life. I think one's orientation and libido is something that definitely needs to be discussed before entering a relationship, otherwise both can lose.

And having a low libido does not necessarily mean a person is asexual, any more than does being asexual mean you have a low libido. Frankly, I'm tired of seeing everyone equate low libido with asexuality. Yes, you can be both, but they are not the same thing. I'm asexual, and I don't have a low libido, thank you very much. I do agree that no one should be castigated for having a low libido, however.
Posted by Vampireseal on December 18, 2009 at 4:48 PM · Report this
I've been a fan of Dan for many, many years, both for his columns on sex and politics. Gotta say though that my one real beef with him is his support of the asymmetry issue challenged by Chicagosparky. People have different levels of sex drives and different sexual interests. Just because one partner in a relationship wants more or different sex doesn't obligate the other to go along, any more than wanting a partner to be neater, vegetarian or more into exercise. Nor does is require condoning sexual relationships outside the partnership. Even one partner becoming fully paralyzed doesn't warrant extramarital sex unless both partners agree. Doesn't really matter if the problem is mental, physical, emotional, hormonal, or raised by uptight parents. A marriage based on monogamy remains that unless agreed otherwise. If either partner feels unsatisfied, then the issue should be discussed, and if a resolution cannot be reached, AND if either party feels the lack of satisfaction is a deal-breaker, then the relationship should be terminated. But wanting more (or better) sex doesn't entitle you to it. As the song . . . "you can't always get what you want" and only "sometimes, you get what you need." A partnership is just that. Everyone has to weigh all the elements of the relationship, and decide if it is worth sustaining.

BTW, I love my wife, we have a good relationship and many common traits and likes, AND I'm terribly sexually frustrated due to her low interest in sex. I'm also a divorce lawyer, and I deal with failed relationships all the time.
Posted by Mr.E. on December 18, 2009 at 7:29 PM · Report this
I've been a fan of Dan for many, many years, both for his columns on sex and politics. Gotta say though that my one real beef with him is his support of the asymmetry issue challenged by Chicagosparky. People have different levels of sex drives and different sexual interests. Just because one partner in a relationship wants more or different sex doesn't obligate the other to go along, any more than wanting a partner to be neater, vegetarian or more into exercise. Nor does is require condoning sexual relationships outside the partnership. Even one partner becoming fully paralyzed doesn't warrant extramarital sex unless both partners agree. A marriage based on monogamy remains that unless agreed otherwise. Doesn't really matter if the problem is mental, physical, emotional, hormonal, or caused by uptight parents or a tiring job. GGG is a nice ideal, but thinking we can demand it is rather juvenile. Also, for every partner who wants more sex, there's a partner who wants less, and their desires deserve just as much respect. If either partner feels unsatisfied, then the issue should be discussed, and if a resolution cannot be reached, AND if either party feels the lack of satisfaction is a deal-breaker, then the relationship should be terminated. But wanting more (or better) sex doesn't entitle you to it. As the song says. . . "you can't always get what you want" and only "sometimes, you get what you need." A partnership is just that. Everyone has to weigh all the elements of the relationship, and decide if it is worth sustaining.

BTW, I love my wife, we have a good relationship and many common traits and likes, AND I'm terribly sexually frustrated due to her low interest in sex. I'm also a divorce lawyer, and I deal with failed relationships all the time.
Posted by Mr.E. on December 18, 2009 at 7:35 PM · Report this
Oops. Sorry. Disregard the first post.
Posted by Mr.E. on December 18, 2009 at 7:36 PM · Report this
Re. P2EP

I enjoy sex a lot, even a bit of BDSM ... all I can think about is getting fucked by some stranger with no strings attached ...

Someone once said that "women's virtue is man's greatest invention". Most guys think of women as classy and lady-like, but as we see, women's true nature is very far from this. Look at the way women talk and think - like swaggering, horny alpha males - very classless, crude, unladylike and macho. I'm convinced feminism didn't create this but simply removed all restrictions from women thus unleashing their true hardwired nature, which is to be like the alpha males they lust for.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life having missed out on my "sexual prime" because my husband already experienced his...

Once again, women are not men, we are biological opposites, and women should not be aspiring towards the same sexual goals and lifestyle horny young men usually do. Women's sexual prime should be spent bearing and raising healthy children within monogamous relationships.

I can seek out kinky play with others without it being sexual...

No, you can't, by definition "kinky" is sexual.

being monogamous is a mistake...

Yes, which is why your husband should've never married you and no man should ever give you a relationship, you should just be used like the cheap blow-up doll you wish to be.

Why any man gets married or even has relationships with women in this day and age is beyond me. They are only good for no-strings sex. I would never want the mother of my kids to be some dirty skank - no boy child especially wants his mom to be that - it's humiliating.
Posted by Reed111 on December 18, 2009 at 11:13 PM · Report this
Re. P2EP

I enjoy sex a lot, even a bit of BDSM ... all I can think about is getting fucked by some stranger with no strings attached ...
Someone once said that "women's virtue is man's greatest invention". Most guys think of women as classy and lady-like, but as we see, women's true nature is very far from this. Look at the way women talk and think - like swaggering, horny alpha males - very classless, crude, unladylike and macho. I'm convinced feminism didn't create this but simply removed all restrictions from women thus unleashing their true hardwired nature, which is to be like the alpha males they lust for.

I don't want to spend the rest of my life having missed out on my "sexual prime" because my husband already experienced his...
Once again, women are not men, we are biological opposites, and women should not be aspiring towards the same sexual goals and lifestyle horny young men usually do. Women's sexual prime should be spent bearing and raising healthy children within monogamous relationships.

I can seek out kinky play with others without it being sexual.
No, you can't, by definition "kinky" is sexual.

being monogamous is a mistake...
Yes, which is why your husband should've never married you and no man should ever give you a relationship, you should just be used like the cheap blow-up doll you wish to be. Why any man gets married or even has relationships with women in this day and age is beyond me. They are only good for no-strings sex. I would never want the mother of my kids to be some dirty skank - no boy child especially wants his mom to be that - it's humiliating.
Posted by Reed111 on December 18, 2009 at 11:28 PM · Report this
Dragon Dictate, a fast computer and the best microphone you can get will give your wrist a rest which it badly needs.

Takes a bit of getting used to, but you can spew the words out real quick.

I still touch things up with the keyboard afterwards. But there are people so skilled they never touch the mouse or keyboard.


Posted by Anthony on December 19, 2009 at 2:55 AM · Report this
Reed you really are a silly twit. You need some sofa time with your favorite psych dr. Its not the 50"s anymore. We allow women to enjoy sex. Sorry that bothers you. Now stay away from my daughters.
Posted by washatkc on December 19, 2009 at 7:33 AM · Report this

Please don't take any of the following personally- being blunt is just faster.

Have you talked to your husband about this at all, or have you been stewing about it, torturing yourself with the idea that he doesn't love you? I know from experience that it is sometimes easier to wallow in self-pity about a perceived problem in your relationship than to get the courage to ask your partner about it and potentially have your fears confirmed.

But it is absolutely essential that you ask him directly about this and hear what he has to say. It could turn out to be something completely different or unexpected- you said you're in school and taking on a lot of household responsibilities, which is probably making you a little too busy and self-centered to objectively analyze the situation. Or he could tell you exactly what you fear. Either way, how could it be worse than the anguish and uncertainty you are living with now?
Posted by Lucy in the Sky on December 19, 2009 at 8:30 AM · Report this
Robin8 157
P2EP: I was in your exact situation, except without the baby, when I was married. Even the age difference was similar. I say DTMFA. You shouldn't have to go without sex for the rest of your peak years or even the rest of your life, which is what my ex thought I sould have done. I'll say it again: DTMFA.
Posted by Robin8 on December 19, 2009 at 8:37 AM · Report this
Robin8 158
@Nikki in MN: totally off topic, but there is much evidence that the Old Testament was written by old, dead gals, too:…
Posted by Robin8 on December 19, 2009 at 8:49 AM · Report this
True, but it's less often referenced, so it's easy to forget about. Thanks. :)
Posted by Nikki in MN on December 19, 2009 at 9:45 AM · Report this
Lucy in the sky -
I have talked to my husband about it, but he hasn't been very receptive. As another poster pointed out, the country is in a recession, and the stress of supporting our family by himself isn't helped when I have been unable to find a professional (full-time) job and he's worried about his job. I have backed off the issue for the past few months, but it's just a whitewash right now. It's not going to go away just because we aren't talking about it, but now isn't the time to discuss my emotional and sexual needs being unfulfilled when our basic needs could be threatened. So thank you all for your helpful (and some not-so-helpful) advice. I will talk to him about my feelings again at a time when he is less stressed out about his job and our finances (probably sometime during his PTO he has coming).

I know it sounds like I am a leech, moocher, deadbeat, whatever, but if you (directed to the ones thinking that about me) look around, you'll see plenty of couples where situations are similar, you just don't know all the facts. I'm not offended. I knew what I was getting into when I posted my comment asking for help. I'm not new to SLOG. However, to call me a whore is inappropriate, because whores have sex for payment. If I'm not having sex (which was my issue), how can I be a whore?

I do love my family. Like all families, we have our issues (I know he's got his own issues with me, as well). I'm just not sure if our relationship is strong enough to get us past our issues, to help us through them so they can be addressed and corrected and we can come out the other side stronger.
Posted by DWDMN on December 19, 2009 at 10:00 AM · Report this
It's a misconception that a whore is just a person who sells sex. After all, every politician is a whore. They have to be in order to get elected. Money is necessary, but corrupting as is power. They sell their integrity and ideals for the illusion that they are doing good work instead of just delivering the spoils to their backers or constituents. Can you say earmarks, which are escalating under this administration, not dubya was any better.
Posted by a skeptic and a cynic on December 19, 2009 at 12:19 PM · Report this
please tell DYKES i am in the same situation! (although i'm bisexual, not a lesbian.) I am also pretty vain about my good looks and don't want to fuck a girl who is less attractive than i am... it's hard to find hot girls.

i think savage love should have a dating service of some sort... a way for Savage love readers to connect with other savage love readers beyond the seattle area.

oh and if DYKES wants to email me... she should.
Posted by zzbenz on December 19, 2009 at 2:22 PM · Report this

I just wanted to let you know that we're out there. I'm a 21 year old bi girl from a lib-arts school in the North East, and I always always always make the first move. I'm also a total dom in bed, but am sweet and accommodating otherwise (kind of the opposite of you). Sorry sex hasn't worked out as well as you would have liked (it's probs cause you've never had sex with me, *wink*). I just wanted to give you some hope. We're around, more numerous than you would imagine, just waiting for our paths to cross with yours.
Posted by Dom-y Bi Girl on December 19, 2009 at 7:51 PM · Report this

Re: possible carpal tunnel: ART is not for everyone. More is not better, especially when we're talking about pressure. I would suggest starting with a licensed massage therapist who specializes in trigger point therapy. An alternative is to see either a pain specialist who does "dry needling" (the precursor to trigger point therapy) or an acupuncturist and massage therapist who can co-ordinate your treatment.

I've been a massage therapist for 10 yrs. and a massage therapy instructor for nearly 3 yrs. Start with a more gentle approach. You can always get more aggressive as the treatments progresses, but once the therapis has caused pain, you can't take that back.
Posted by LMT on December 19, 2009 at 9:47 PM · Report this
@ Reed -- yep, I can either be a baby machine or I can be a blowup doll. There are no other options! Woe!

Women don't try to be like men. Women try to be...women. And apparently, men (or just you) have a problem with it.
Posted by hai on December 20, 2009 at 8:15 PM · Report this
I looked at the link you provided which just went to cement the conclusion I'd already had in my head: the Bible is NOT the "literal word of God" as some would have us believe. It's been written by people (uncontested FACT), and therefore, is open to interpretation. Anyone taking what is said in any part of the Bible literally and as unmitigated truth is free to think that way. I am free to believe people who think that way are wrong, but to each her / his own, right? :)

Who am I to take away their imaginary friends?
Posted by Nikki in MN on December 20, 2009 at 9:58 PM · Report this
Oh, Reed (152-153)! You are so funny! Ah, I needed a good laugh today. It's so hard to convey sarcasm via text, but you nailed it!
Posted by Nikki in MN on December 20, 2009 at 10:01 PM · Report this
Everyone assumes P2EP's husband isn't lasting long because he's not interested in sex. What if it's the other way around- he's not interested in sex because he can't last long? That's a different problem.
Posted by etaonrish on December 20, 2009 at 10:22 PM · Report this
To DAN - I have struggled with repetitive stress pain as well, and I don't see that anyone has mentioned vitamins. Specifically, double your intake of B-complex, vitamin D (especially as we live in Seattle...), and omega 3 fish oils. All three of these have anti-inflammatory properties, and it's the easiest and least intrusive thing you can do for the pain (in addition to learning nerve gliding and proper stretching techniques, and remembering to take frequent typing/masturbating breaks of course). Do be sure that you don't exceed the daily recommended dose of B6 and B12 though. Hard to do, but still, just check, permanent nerve damage can result.

Hope you feel better soon!
Posted by RSI Sufferer on December 21, 2009 at 8:17 AM · Report this
170 always give us the...pardon the pun...straight shit...been reading you for a year now. And, I agree with you...P2EP needs to talk with him about this first...maybe with a marriage advisor present. 'Sneaking around' is only gonna make it worse for all parties involved.
Posted by darkwolf on December 21, 2009 at 12:44 PM · Report this
Re: 29's comment. His low sex drive doesn't make him selfish, it's his inability to negotiate, or accommodate. I mean where's the love? He's got fingers and toes, why is their sex life 5 minutes long? That sucks. It they had an "honest" conversation it would not surprise me if he was just not into her. Try living with that 24/7?
Posted by rosecantina on December 21, 2009 at 11:18 PM · Report this
@102 - why don't you think about how much you hate canada the next time you turn on your furnace, or fill your car up with gas. That cheap energy is courtesy of our friends up north, you dumb fuck.
Posted by Yankme on December 22, 2009 at 1:41 AM · Report this

Eh. My issue with that is that the "he can pleasure her in ways aside from straight sex" is contrary to the advice Dan gives in the opposite scenario. When it's a high-sex-drive man with a low-sex-drive woman, the advice is that the woman "allow" him to eat her out, or "deign" to sit on his face, and "let" him jerk off. I'll advice P2EP to ask her husband for more direct stimulation when Dan advises women to give more blowjobs/handjobs to their higher-sex-drive husbands. He suggests they dress up for their husbands, or act as models for them to jerk themselves off, or that allowing their man to go down on them is sufficient.

Here's what Dan's advice should have been (if he were consistent):

P2EP should take the pressure off of sex, and masturbate more frequently. Ask to be able to play with her husband's dick, and finger herself. Ask to be able to suck him off, and finger herself. Ask him to dress up for her, and allow her to finger herself.

We should be fair and equitable in our advice. If we'd never accept saying to a woman "eh, giving me a blowjob should be enough for you, right?" Then why do we advise women to say "eh, eating me out should be enough for you, right?"
Posted by Seldon2639 on December 22, 2009 at 10:15 AM · Report this
Its not the 50"s anymore. We allow women to enjoy sex. Sorry that bothers you. Now stay away from my daughters.

Women and their alpha male bad boys (matriarchal polygny) are taking us back to a destabilized, savage pre-civilized era way before the 1950's. Civilization and stability was the result of patriarchal monogamy (via the major religions) and its triumph over matriarchy. Since the sexual revolution the West has steadily returned to matriarchy and the decivilization of our hominid past.

Reed -- yep, I can either be a baby machine or I can be a blowup doll. There are no other options! Woe!
Women don't try to be like men. Women try to be...women. And apparently, men (or just you) have a problem with it.

Yep, without birth control and abortion (medical technology invented by men - like all other technology) women naturally have no other options, and humans are still hardwired to see and feel the situation this way (madonna/whore). So I guess in a sense we men have ourselves to blame, but I bet few men at the dawn of the sexual revolution truly understood the true nature of women (all whore, no madonna) as has been revealed since. But tis better to know the truth - and avoid marriage and committed relationships - and simply accept and use women for what they are (and really, always have been). Nice guys need to wake up and avoid being the sucker who invests time/money in sluts who bad boys use for free, and instead get some Game and learn how to use women for free also.
Posted by Reed111 on December 22, 2009 at 11:06 AM · Report this

In some of your subsequent posts, you have indicated that you do love your husband and are simply not sure if the two of you can work out your issues. If this is the case, I would encourage you to make active efforts to discover whether or not your relationship has a chance. Please, do this now. Don't use excuses to put it off and thereby rob both your husband and yourself of time that could be invested in finding a relationship that can work.

However, in your first post you indicate that the only reason you were staying with your husband was money. You are in school, unemployed, and don't want to move home. You said that you would leave him in a heart-beat if these money problems weren't around, and you asked if you should stick it out until you aren't in school anymore. If you are really asking if you should have your husband support you until you aren't in school, at which time you would leave him, then I really need to ask you if you think he would be willing to support you if he knew you were going to leave him at the end of it. If the answer is yes, then you should be asking his opinion, not ours. If the answer is no, then your actions would, in effect, be stealing both his money and precious time. It's one thing if you simply aren't sure if you can work things out, but if you believe that you can't be with him for the long haul, then it isn't fair to pretend otherwise so that he will support you. After all, would you be ok if the situations was reversed and you spent years supporting someone who had only been with you so they could take your money? I don't think you would or should be.

As you have said in other posts, we don't know your situation. I'm sure it's more complex than anything you can write up for a comment on a blog. However, I have seen what it did to my mother when my father left her after she had spent much of her adult life supporting him and his goals. It hurt her and made her feel foolish and used to have invested so much him because she though they were a team, only to have him abandon her and refuse to acknowledge her sacrifices for what they were. My mother's life has been permanently altered because she spent her time supporting her husband rather than using that time and energy on herself. Please, don't do such a thing to your husband.
Posted by Lorran on December 22, 2009 at 8:33 PM · Report this
Ouch! I'm sorry to hear about your pulled muscle/carpal tunnel agony!

I hope you're feeling better soon. Keep up the excellent writing and advising!!
Posted by wileEcoyote on December 22, 2009 at 9:36 PM · Report this
@ etaonrish: I think there may be something to that. It's worth finding out. If you're short in bed, and you know that you're short, you're not exactly going to be enthusiastic about seeking out new opportunities to be humiliated. Getting this fixed, if it's indeed the issue, could make both partners happy for a long time to come.
Posted by jmnemonic on December 27, 2009 at 10:20 PM · Report this
Yo Dan, I had a similar problem last year and went to an acupuncturist. It was amazing. 1) I got to take a nap at every appointment, albeit with pins sticking out of me and 2) the shooting white pain went away presto.
Posted by Clara on December 29, 2009 at 5:25 AM · Report this
DYKES, I would like to meet you!!!!
Posted by Court on January 2, 2010 at 4:01 PM · Report this
Reed: is your head actually a foot up your a**, or do you just seem that way?...

And, as far as your assertion about technology:… ,… ,… , need I go on?...
Posted by Melissa Trible on January 3, 2010 at 10:36 PM · Report this
To P2EP, if your husband isn't that excited by sex, it may be that he's having a hard time maintaining an erection during intercourse. Then, since the same motions/thoughts/processes that help keep an erection going also help move someone toward orgasm, he comes faster than you'd like. This may be the perfect time for a medication from his doctor that would help maintain erection. Then his penis would stay hard without him having to concentrate on it, and he could hold off for longer intercourse. Good luck!
Posted by s,a on January 5, 2010 at 5:51 PM · Report this
A few people have suggested fetlife and I want to explicitly suggest it for NSWIW. NSWIW, I'm a 24 years old and dominant and female, and if you turned out to be my type (I'm pretty picky, but you seem to at least fit the most basic criteria) I would totally do you. Totally. And if you asked very nicely, I'd do you with my blazingly hot dominant bisexual boyfriend, who is my partner in crime and occasional co-domming guest star.

If you ever move to the Northeast, look me up....
Posted by thewhiterabbit1 on January 7, 2010 at 10:10 AM · Report this
I should add - same username on there.
Posted by thewhiterabbit1 on January 7, 2010 at 10:12 AM · Report this
@ thewhiterabbit1

you come across to me like a sexual ragging and rampant rabbit, lol beffiting your nickname :)

Posted by danny189 on January 25, 2010 at 2:11 AM · Report this

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